John Pinette - Still Hungry

John we gotta go I need five more minutes John come on I've been doing the same stuff for 25 years and I have a process it's time enough for the process we have to go Oh finally get out of my way oh thank you very much here keep the change oh thanks good man get out of my way Hartman John why are you so nervous I'm not nervous I was still hungry [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] I'm not under enough pressure now I'd better not suck being so kind it is a pleasure to be here some of you are asking I wonder how much of this show will be about food [Music] [Applause] quite a bit if you're here for WikiLeaks jokes you get the wrong guy I don't know I you know I've been actually trying to lose weight cuz the shows on TV have been scaring me they have shows where they take big people and they throw them in vans and they put him in camps didn't that happen before in history captain Nazis come back we have nutrition Nazi oh I see you have a little Chicago hot dog on your face get in Japan you somebody Chicanos set me up a picture undaunted of a Weight Watchers next to a Cold Stone Creamery I love that picture because it's everywhere I am in life with the ups and downs of my dieting yeah I mean they look like living cold stone feeling guilty well I guess it's time to go back to Weight Watchers now [Music] Watchers going Weight Watchers is a great organization but they won't let you to buy more points I'm going on a crowd I am now part of a rogue splinter organization well you can buy and sell points in the secondary market as needed [Applause] I'm going to I'm going to Las Vegas here is my credit card but then you try it you're dieting and you turn on TV and there's all shows about food they have shows about just just one kind of food they have three shows on about cake then you have a show called The Cake Boss this man is the boss of cake [Music] you are the boss of cake I did not know you could arbitrarily make yourself the boss of a food I am now the boss of ham all right [Applause] my name bars hard pleased to meet you I don't think you can just make yourself boss I think there has to be a decision made I think the Commission has to meet there has to be sit down - decided [Music] [Music] gone buddy will be in charge of cake from one star token to West Orange how did it ever come to this with something till covered in frosting I don't want his mother to see him like this look what they did to my boy another one of this for you Michael I know Santino would have to make cake and Fredo well he's a clean Punk we thought you were going to other pastries maybe possible who knows different types of meats and fishes [Music] now I watch cake shows once in a while I think if you're watching and this is me talking I think if you're watching tank more than one or two hours a week you have to reevaluate your decisions in life I do think there's more to do than watch cake John what you doing watching cake you watching Kate the last time we came over there we're all gonna come over and talk to you we've written you all letters and then you can do whatever you want I have take intervention the thing is is if these shows don't change very much I like dynamic shows you know I like watching lost I didn't understand it but I liked it I like I like Family Guy Battlestar Galactica I've a really eclectic taste but the Cake Boss I haven't seen next week's episode but I'm pretty sure it's gonna be about cake sister's got me a panini maker first of all my sister's very very nice they got it for me for my birthday and I tell them don't buy me anything cuz I don't want I you know what I want to give it's better to give than to receive and the gifts are stupid [Applause] I can't look at them and go oh babymaker how did you know I was having trouble making sandwiches and you saved me you wanna make a panini get a frying pan [Music] put the bread on there put stuff in bread wait five minutes hanging out wait five minutes then punch it with your fist hey Janine [Applause] cuz the panini is so squished you don't know what's in him and they could be vegetables in there panini tasted arugula where did arugula come from we had no arugula when I was growing up my mother never said John I want you to go out the garden and pick some arugula I'll be right back tomatoes cucumbers arugula yeah it's a pretentious horrifying vegetable people serve just so don't look fancy and elegant it's the imprisoning clothes of vegetables people don't wanna speak up spit it out at the table why are you shaving me it's your reading it worked with the rest of the salad yes it does the bitter with the dirt taste [Music] makes me grateful for the rest of the salad then I would warn Everly hate [Applause] Martha Stewart makes me laugh she gives you instructions to make stuff I'm waiting for her or her to go one day today we're gonna build a pyramid based on the ancient Pyramid at Giza she says things doesn't she say like start with the directions where you go well I ain't making this like okay break out your chestnut roasting pans [Applause] honey where's the chaste eyebrows gangbang I'm not much of a cook I will admit that but you know I eat out and that's it's very hard to be and you know you eat more calories when you eat out it's a proven fact and like I didn't I didn't even have a toaster I just bought a toaster recently and well I had one but I toasted low carb bread and it exploded so I go to buy another toaster I didn't want the trouble I went to a nice store and talked to this nice young lady I saw a toaster for $49 I said I'll take this toaster it was a lovely toaster as toasters go and she said to me could I have your name and address you know you can have $49 and I will take this toaster and that's really all I planned on today she goes me really dude wants you in our system but I'm not adopting the toaster is this like a foster toaster program is inside once I walk out the door with this toaster you're never gonna see it again [Music] they want your email they want your address you remember when you could buy and walk out the door [Applause] I tell my nieces and nephews that they don't believe me he loses to buy stuff and walk out the door and they didn't ask any questions Oh Uncle John you tell funny stories to make people laugh they use the by stuffing me and that's all that happened [Applause] can tell my brothers and sisters back me up tell them you used to buy stuff and leave they go oh don't fill their heads with nonsense [Music] so I go to buy my $49 toaster and it's easy for me to say that I have lost my cherub like demeanor [Music] she said to me would you like to buy the warranty for the toaster no it's $49 I think I'm gonna absorb the risk on this one but this toaster should break in god forbid that day should come I'm gonna take another 49 dollars out of my pocket and buy another toaster cuz that's how I live baby I went to Bed Bath & Beyond very nice store but I go without a coupon just a free come out they don't understand cuz everybody has coupons a lot of you have them on you like Willy Wonka's golden ticket [Applause] my sister's have stacks of them they have a holster for Bed Bath & Beyond coupons one time I was with my sisters and they were at the other end of the store and they saw me at the cash register they knew I didn't have a coupon they jumped all the people they trampled up you have one Guinea [Applause] I'm not lying [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this lady thinks it's let's make a deal P dollars for a bit Bath and Beyond coupons [Applause] one time I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and I didn't have a coupon people talked about me in line the coupon is he all right you don't think he's dangerous to you one lady felt sorry for me you don't have a coupon do you know how to get home is your name in your jacket [Music] if money veneers the original coupon it says In God We Trust don't you trust God I must say one thing about Bed Bath & Beyond and I do shop there they are not fussy about the coupon they're not looking for expiration dates it could be from linens and things and they you could write coupon on the back of the Snickers wrapper and they will swipe it [Music] that is a double coupon [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I got a Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon then the cashier gives me a coupon this is how it went now life is precious and we've got to make the most of it and I don't have time for useless ridiculous things and she said you don't have a coupon I said no she said well here's one thank you here you make any sense in summer I went to a health and fitness place yes and I had a stress test in blood work and I go to this doctor they're wonderful lady but my stress tests in my blood work are good and she's shocked I mean at least feel a little happy don't look like horrified I don't have anything bad this is how she told me she [Music] I guess she'd bet the over I don't know is just you [Music] these are gun your blood pressure's 112 over 70 we'll have that checked must be Celsius is the Celsius on [Applause] [Music] can we have a little joy in gratitude being healthy the doctor of this health and fitness place told me one thing she looked at me very seriously and you know I'm not getting any younger and I can I I was nervous for a minute and she said did you know that you're allergic to wheat and I looked at her and said but I'm a wheat farmer [Applause] [Music] I'm allergic to wheat night thought oh well I can't harvest wheat anymore I'm hanging up my sickle cuz don't friends call you in the fall and go we're harvesting this weekend you never miss I did I'm allergic then I thought wait a second you made flour out of wheat perhaps I should inquire further I said what does this whole-wheat thing mean to me pray tell she said well do you eat a lot of gluten [Music] I don't know again is but I would say yes [Music] I'm I'm fairly certain I'm mostly gluten and she said well you should avoid anything with gluten in it I said okay thank you and started to leave the room and I said what has gluten in it you know it has gluten in it every dang every reason to wake up in the morning I'm looking at this ting of things to avoid and I said check it dan maybe it's just canceled [Applause] [Music] she she told me to go try gluten-free products now if you I went to a health food store which was a new experience for me and now I like shopping at health food stores and if you want to know where the gluten-free stuff is look for a gentleman with a gun in his mouth as bullets are gluten-free [Music] have you tried to be free food it needs gluten [Music] I don't know what gluten is but apparently it's delicious and you need to book that back in there [Music] I I tried the gluten-free pasta and at this point I'm thinking I hope they make a gluten substitute like a sweetened gloopy or I can't believe it's not salute I think we have people here that know pasta pasta you boil you are my teeth pasta you boil boiling water 10 minutes or less little olive oil little salt gluten-free pasta 90 minutes [Music] enjoy abbondanza [Music] so last year I flew all over over Canada and well actually we drove a lot of it too which I enjoyed we drove to Prince Edward Island you want to know where Prince Edward Island is it's at the end drive until you're done and you'll see a bridge go over the bridge in there right there and we had a thousand people on Sunday and Monday and it was so touching I'm thinking this is like everybody and they couldn't couldn't have been nicer people there's it's not a big town there's like 12 stores on the main drag it's a beautiful place to go if you want to get away and quiet it's a beach community and there were ten and of green gables gift shops Danny Green Gables is the early 1900s it's a book young ladies would read I guess it's a nice thing you read it growing up but 10 and of Green Gables gets shops and half of them an agreeing Gables gift shops and half of them are candy stores you know because you can't make money just off of Anne of Green Gables the franchise isn't as big as it used to be so they have these older ladies dress from the early 1900s in jumpers like twelve-year-old girls and they're all walking towards you with candy samples and it gets creepy it's kind of like the Thriller video you know [Music] [Applause] but I highly recommend it as a place to go and meet nice people I was in Ottawa and they asked me if I ice skated I said oh yes I am a skater I competed in my younger days I was short and sassy before Dorothy Hamm [Music] people skate damn they skate all day they skate so long they have snack stands on the ice and on these snack stands they sell these things called beaver tails in their giant fried dough and they cover it in hot fudge and M&Ms and I wanted one [Music] they may just skate to it you know standing at the edge of the ice like the kid from up [Music] I waited three days they said no you have to skate it's tradition I waited three days three days and I couldn't take it anymore so I put skates off and they pushed me and I skated it was and I didn't do one one block around or once around I went right to the fried dough stand and hidden one of us around and I was gonna make it to the fried dough there was a family in the way my mom and dad and two little kids he should have been in the way of the fried down [Music] they turned around and they saw me you know what I saw in their eyes they saw hope [Music] you know like oh you'll stop [Music] I couldn't I didn't and they went down like a set of bowling pins but I bought them all fried dough while the paramedics looked him over so worked out pretty good i staining is now on my list of things in life I never care if I do again it's like an anti bucket list it rhymes with bucket I can tell you that much [Music] [Applause] hiking if I'm not ice-skating I'm hiking what do I think of hiking you hide down a mouthy yeah hide down the ravine horrible story start with well we were hiking again Jalapa North Korea getting shot why would you hide gate cuz people do this in LA all the time oh we're sick of the city we're hiking do you know how to hike well no but we have new boats I'm tired of anybody that gets new boots and a compass thinking they're a hiker happens every year doesn't it do people go out new boots compass and they get lost then they have to hit send 200 people out to find them 10 of those poor bastards get lost they said mm poor bastards out to get down 10,000 people looking for Joe [Applause] two summers ago I had the pleasure of performing at the Edinburgh Festival in Scotland and I thought what a huge blessing this is to work in Scotland I started stand-up 25 years ago in Boston Massachusetts [Applause] it has been a wonderful journey it really has and I thought Scotland just just another blessing that this occupation has given me but everything great in my life has attached to us my manager is been my manager for 20 years he's my best friend he's one of the smartest people I know but not this time he forgot to read the contract I'm gonna work 26 out of 27 nights in Scotland that's too many from I remember I'm used to being in places between two and six days after the third week in Scotland my brain is screaming at me why did you move to Scotland [Music] 26 out of twenty seven nights it rained every day it was the worst rain since the time of William Wallace known as Braveheart Ramon dies but though every man has an umbrella the Scottish dialectic to give a pretty good here for dialects it's very thick when they've been drinking which is quite a bit we do you want to go now at it so broad let me let me down a tiny you got it pal but every day think about it every day for a month I would wake up it would be raining and I would be in Scotland like the movie Groundhog Day I'm calling poll girlfriends apologizing take the cash off of me that being said if you go in just for the Edinboro festival go just don't go 26 out of 20 seven nights they rented me an apartment and the apartment had a futon bed you know the futon bed is it's a little more comfortable than a yoga mat [Music] that's all it is very much to it some of you have futon beds and I actually like futon beds cuz they're honest they have a few rating the name so there's somebody cooking don't people call you and go we're coming to visit it's gonna be Taste of Chicago we're gonna come to visit mmm sure you can sleep on the futon you know if you have a futon for your guests they won't be staying long after the third day I had sciatica I was crippled and they made you walk David if they didn't pick you up it wasn't in the contract and I said well where is the venue they said well you can se it from here [Music] Danya can you walk it from here it wasn't a walk it was more of a hike can you know how much I love dogs [Music] are you joking I used to be a comedian [Music] [Music] Master says I must tell you jokes [Music] I walked in to a sandwich shop and it's not like our sandwich shops here they're cheap with the toppings you know you know how like they load stuff up in a sub shop here now can I have tomato I'll pay extra they think oh he's a big guy he can't jump over the counter we'll give wrong I'll be over that counter before they can look up but tomato on there [Music] black olives on a sandwich how much of black olives you have to pretend to sprinkle them like fairy dust he'll bring your hand Harry Potter they gave me a fried Snickers bar you know how is that what was peaceful I walked towards a bright light after the third day of eating in pubs I was going can I just get an arugula salad there was a Chinese buffet in Scotland now [Applause] I don't go to buffets much Jimmy you are the health reasons and restraining orders but I feel I was singled out a number of times but I'm not gonna fight it I know when I'm home and I started comedy in Massachusetts I put a few guys out of business well me and a few friends what if what if one Chinese buffet owner from where I started comedy moved to Edinboro and with a lot of bad memories and he rebuilt his life in his business and then I walk into his buffet 20 years later [Music] father the forbidden one has returned [Applause] you think we forget about your son of a [ __ ] [Music] we still have your picture [Music] you go now again and squeeze that in see I grew up in a predominantly Irish and Italian community and my father was a bartender at the irish-american and that's my first like to learn to like dialects cuz he had friends from our inland and I get to listen to them and they tell me all wonderful stories about growing up in Ireland it was quite fascinating and but you know what honesty is part of their culture and they said you're a good boy but you know fashion is dead [Music] I don't want to frighten you but if you're too far peeing just won't be able to carry it to happen actually my dad's friends from Ireland gave me the best diet advice they ever had I'm gonna give you a diet that's gonna work for your whole life and it is you know cuz I've been up and I've been down and I feel pretty good now and he said it's the only thing that's ever worked couldn't write it down so good boys stop you is your [ __ ] and it looks all sweet and tasty well then keep walking gentle fashion you bite that would make a good Nutrisystem commercial I'm Tommy Sullivan from Nutrisystem sand and 4995 will send your big box I'm nothing [Music] now go up get a walk [Music] the national discipline is called haggis I don't like to eat anything that rhymes with Tigers Tigers is sheep intestines with oats and spices II [Music] they ask you every day one of the many things I loved about Scottish people that they're fiercely proud and patriotic and they asked you every day have your heart hardest yet all Hargis is beautiful go get yourself a proper haggis I waited I waited for three weeks I waited till my manager came the gentleman that booked me 26 out of 27 nights I said where should we eat I said we're having haggis now haggis comes with a whiskey gravy that helped it didn't have whiskey in it like is that whiskey in here it had whiskey in it like did I call you last night I am NOT Jack I am having hi dad I'm in Scotland pick me up I love you man I love you thank you very much [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Channel: Jdogpitt7

Views: 4,613,068

Keywords: John Pinette (Actor), John, Pinette, Standup, Stand, Up, Comedy, Humor, Stand-up Comedy (TV Genre), Funny, Comedian, Comic, Humour, Hilarious, Jokes, Laugh, Comedy Funny

Id: U6Eo558ZrCQ

Length: 41min 47sec (2507 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 10 2013