Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff - Die Ganze Show | Comedy Legends | Comedy Central Deutschland

[Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh yeah this is such a big night for you um but I'm celebrating I finally just slept with my high school Crush right with you but I swear now he like expects me to go to his graduation like I know where I'm gonna be in three years right no a damn [ __ ] kids right [ __ ] you look like upset like I don't [ __ ] kids that's a joke like I would never I shouldn't say never that's like you don't know I feel like just paint Ed myself in a corner Accord but um it's not a good way to start this is a beautiful theater I should have started off with something other than kid [ __ ] you guys are right start over class it up my mom's a [ __ ] hear me out I know like not everyone's comfortable with that word happy or like Ugh right now don't say that and the other half you were like oh my God what a coincidence I brought her to a soccer game because I wanted to show her what boundaries looked like you know I was like look she's like I don't see him I'm like I know I know stop calling my friends how about that somebody's bragging about the dumbest stuff the other day she was telling me she's like you know I can still fit in my wedding dress I was like oh my God who cares right I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was eight months pregnant but I just [Applause] I don't think bragging's cool a little about me I took Plan B about 10 days ago um thank you oh my God you guys only clap if you mean it uh I did you know you know what it is there's some people here it's the morning after pill I take it the night before because I'm smart but some people like to I'm with you good people I believe birth begins at conception so I just like beat that [ __ ] plan Bizzle who's taking it who's taking it thank you oh sorry room of Heroes everyone's like I did I took it it's over I went to my normal Pharmacy I walk in the pharmacist is like hey I'm like please don't call me a nickname he's like what do you want Ambien I'm like no I'm not addicted to that you guys know that uh I only take that when I'm drinking um they're like what do you want I was like Plan B and they were like they didn't even hide it they were like ew you [ __ ] I was like yeah you can't say that they're like you're gonna feel nauseous I was like oh I took it I felt fine I went to yoga I'm like can these people tell I'm like mid-abors right now this is [Music] [Applause] that it was easy they should call it plan a that's how I used it that's a great plan let's start with this one I I don't I don't think that's like adorable that I just took Plan B I'm 31 like that's not cute at all that's cute when you're like you're like 21 right you go you you sit on your mom's bed you cry and you're like oh the condom broke I'm like the what broke um I do I still think I'm 20. it's so gross like every bar I go to I show my ID they're like no that's okay like wow they're really relaxed here I hope they don't get raided this place I don't know but the girls I grew up with they're living normal adult lives you know so they call me now and they're like aim I'm pregnant and I still react like what are you gonna do I'm like I'll drive you I guess um that's my favorite reality show you know show Teen Mom or if you're from the south mom they don't wait right this is poor planning on my part I'm kind of dizzy I uh donated blood today uh that's what I call getting an AIDS test um I know that people like hate that joke they have ants so if you didn't laugh at Dustin check it out I went through a breakup this year staying this guy I walked in on him masturbating yeah he's like are you mad I'm like uh no but you seem to be holy [ __ ] [Applause] like does it owe you money why are you in this game we were so different I knew we weren't like he was like really into family you know and I mentioned my mom uh like he'd never come on the road with me on the weekends because he wanted to spend time with his wife and I just I'm better no the truth is I thought he was gonna break up with me the whole time for the lamest reason because I wouldn't swallow but I have a nut allergy like what did he expect stop telling us it's good for our skin [ __ ] you guys [Applause] what girl is like okay [Music] [Laughter] guys are so gross right guys are gross you're gross okay they're so gross I had sex with a guy recently more semen than you've ever seen in your life I was like did you just get out of jail what's what is the meaning of this it's a compliment no no but that's what guys want because they're so gross if it were up to them we'd all look like Carrie and the prom scene at the end just oh no girl wants that we don't want that we're lazier than you if it were up to me the cleanup would be me taking a Q-tip going Boop asleep that's it instead I was like I've been slimed well I like to watch porn like what girls in here like porn thank you I love it although all the [ __ ] are in the front this is the best [Applause] I don't like to watch the end of porn I don't like to watch the end of any porn because guess what happens at the end of the rainbow every time spoiler alert he comes at her face oh what an amazing Choose Your Own Adventure that always ends exactly the same there's never a Twist right he's never like the guys having sex with her he looks off camera in her backpack he's like oh are you reading that Nicholas Sparks book too my God what are the chances let's start a bed and breakfast together no he just comes on her head we don't want to see that I don't want because we think about that girl like that poor girl and we know as soon as the Director yells cut that she's just stumbling around like Helen Keller looking for a towel just where did you guys go to lunch this isn't cool you promise this is good for my skin so the guy was dating he was like so lazy he's one of those dudes like he wouldn't go down on me I had to become a climber every time you know head up there just holding onto the headboard like a nosy neighbor peeking over the fence I feel like Wilson from Home Improvement I'm like hey it is embarrassing up there I went on a date with a guy recently and he was like really hot so I was pretending to be a good person you know I was saying things like I love kids and I'm not racist uh vague lies you like pretend like you want to use a condom I like to say something fun when I bring it up but honest I'll be like you're gonna want to wear this I've had a busy month it's like a petri dish right now I don't know what's happening but this guy we went out and he was like you can tell when a guy dates a lot he'd like date questions he was like if you could have lunch with anybody living or dead who would it be I thought about it I answered honestly I was like Mark Twain I think he was hilarious and he goes Amy it's got to be somebody real legit [ __ ] that's so cute I'm gonna sleep with a [ __ ] person um I did uh so I've been on the road a lot lately uh and every town I go to you have to do like local press and uh they all asked the same questions every week they asked me the same exact question they're just like what's the hardest part about being a female comedian what is it what's the hardest part like what would you guess um well it's the rape no but they asked they're just like and I guess it's a normal question is it harder for female Comics is it harder and it's not like they think we just get up here and just bleed all over the stage and I'm just oh my ovaries how do I keep him in my body uh totally not harder it's harder to be a chick in general for sure that sucks that's not fun right right girls no it is it sucks just in terms of laziness like look at the guys you're here with tonight okay some of them bangable not all of them let's be real let's keep it honest okay but like what did you do to get ready you know like how long did it take you to get ready you didn't get ready is the answer men don't they put on a shirt they give themselves one of these in the mirror they're out foreign and look at the shirts you guys are wearing every one of you that I can see you could have worn that when you were a toddler on picture day everyone no difference check it out but look at the beautiful girls you're with look it's so much work for us it takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre 90 minutes we are circus freaks women we are we I we put paint on our faces like Warriors I'm wearing stilts we wear stilts we were heels all night and we put a string in our buttholes just dude am I pretty [Music] we were jewelry shiny [ __ ] look over here follow me to the altar no no no no no I think as a woman as you get older you get lazier just by looking around um no I just I work in Vegas a lot that doesn't sound awesome um but I do Stand Up in Vegas a lot and I see these packs of young girls that still have the energy you know just a pack of girls all wearing tube dresses right and just the heels they can't handle they have to hold each other and do like Wizard of Oz walk Chain Gang kind of they all look identical looks like a horror computer just shot out a prototype and they just started walking I like seeing them at the end of the night you know like it didn't work out they're carrying their heels they're crying their makeup off it looks like they're melting why didn't anyone pick me um you have puke on your tube Amber it's all work it's work having a vagina that's work guys don't think that it's work but it is you think it just shows up like that to the event it doesn't every night it's like getting it ready for its first quinceanera believe me it's a lot of work it didn't used to be work I know that from watching vintage porn it was no work zero I even I remember my mom bottomless when I was a kid and it was just it looked like the black smoke monster from Lost was just following her it's like is mom being swarmed by bees what is and then something happened I don't know like 10 15 years ago all the dudes got together and had like a meeting like a fantasy football draft about our privates they were like we can't get in there it's like Vietnam trying to what do we do and then they just came to us and they were just like ladies would you mind looking like babies again and we were like uh like what do you mean just clean up the sides a little better the whole enchilada and we're like yeah that's not super weird uh so now we go we get it done we have to go get it done uh yeah like that we go and get it done guys like it doesn't just happen I don't care how cool your girl is she doesn't have like alopecia of the crotch it just falls out and the shape of your initials that's not what happens that's not how it goes down no we get it done we have to go see a woman usually from a third world country it's never from like like it's never me that comes and gets you from the waiting room like I'll never be like hi I'm Ashley I'm here to take care of your [ __ ] like no that's not how it goes like the chick who does it to me in New York I think she's from like The Killing Fields of Cambodia like this poor woman I can tell like she has seen some [ __ ] you know she has been through it and she was like a doctor there and now she does this and she hates me and she doesn't even hide it I walk in she's like oh my God I'm sorry but she should she should hate me because I'm like we're the worst white and title girls I walk in chewing gum I'm on my phone I'm just like I'm like don't get any wax on my new Uggs what she's like my parents were murdered in front of me I'm like I'm on the phone what but she wins like those chicks win every time because what they do and I always forget this they go she goes and gets a mirror and she shows it to me she shows me my own vagina and I have to act like I'm not horrified and I'm horrified it's the worst thing in the world and what she's saying in that moment is are you happy now you dumb [ __ ] you just paid me to assault you and now you look like a toddler is that what is that cool yeah and it's not cool it's the worst thing you'll ever see in your life it's red it looks angry it looks like an old man frowning just no visit me so much work I think guys have it easier I'm not sure what do you guys think yeah you do did you ever see an uncircumcised penis you did did you know did you know you were gonna see it no it's always a [ __ ] surprise party right it's a big it's him right it's him wait here's the funniest thing I'm sorry that everyone knows about your penis now but here's the best part he's wearing a shirt that says brown coats just nobody ever tells you right he didn't tell you they don't tell you [ __ ] they're just like boom reunited with Snuffleupagus enjoy you guys are so cute why don't they tell us tell tell me we have to become award-winning actresses like oh no that's totally cool Mom can you come pick me up uh I don't know it's wearing like a hat or like a cape like a brown coat type thing why don't they tell us I would tell you if I had an extra flap over my clitoris I'd give you a heads up I would I'd be like you're gonna encounter a wizard keep going [Applause] take this Compass I'd make it exciting and play the music from Zelda be great I hooked up with a guy one time that had no testicles count them zero testy Kalo do you think he brought that up at dinner because he didn't I got to find out in real time it was dark in the room let me paint the romantic picture here and I went right to the spot I know them to always be no GPS necessary I picked up the main event and enough I felt like a girl learning Braille I just kept I don't care about your balls like no one can't like I would never call my sister the morning after and be like hey okay so like the sex was lame but this guy's balls no but when they're not there you miss them they're like grandparents thank you so yeah the way I saw an uncircumcised penis I met this guy at a bar he was French so I should have known but I didn't know he was actually French I thought we were both just like wasted and faking the accent you know so anyway I meet this french guy and uh because I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes right the French accent it just it makes my vagina shut like a steel trap just I mean thank God for that other hole but um my butthole oh you knew okay you knew um so I went home with this french guy because he said something adorable like I have an apartment um so we're like making out he was very sensual he's one of those dudes like he started to pick me up and then he realized he was in over his head and I got planted back down sexy when a dude's winded from trying to hoist you it's like legs are shaking he's like wiping sweat I'm like can you just put me I tried to land cute like a gymnast I was like no but I do but I know I have a body type like I know like I'm not a twig like I have a cheerleading pyramids being made I know I'm a base like I get right down I'm not like always be up on top like a star tonight you guys I want to fly like I know where I am I know my body type the way guys hit on me at bars like when it happens and it's usually my idea I'm usually like hey and they're like no thanks and I'm like hey you're like oh uh but when I do get hit on like this guy just came up to me and he was from like Texas or somewhere I'm not going and uh and he comes over and he's like hey I like you you're sturdy I'm like I'm sorry he's like you look like you could take a punch I'm like oh don't I feel like the bell of the ball um so I'm making out with French Nader and uh he did he put He like gave up right away because he's French I guess and oh my god thank you [Applause] so we're making out and uh he he pulled his dick out immediately he must have been thinking like she's the one uh and I'm looking at it I'm just like what what is that uh are we having like a pillow fight what's The Gnome from Travelocity in your underpants [Applause] but like you can't guys are sensitive too I couldn't do what I was just like thinking like ah like run down the five stories of his walk up I had to be like a team player and be like all right here we go just like fighting through the skin trying to find his actual I feel like a magician with the scarves I'm just as I'm getting older what I'm doing now is I'm just making sure I'm the best looking one of my friends it's really easy I cut certain people out of my life and I now hand select strangers off of Facebook and surround myself with real trolls and reptiles you should see these monsters I had a friend Nikki she kept losing weight I took her out of my phone [ __ ] her I'm sorry but there's one chick I've been friends with forever her name's Sabina like she's gorgeous and of course she is with the name Sabina like what a white annoying name right you have to be so hot to pull off names like that like Sabine Priscilla you can't have like a bumney and a lazy eye and be like I'm Sabrina it's like nice try we're gonna call you birth a [ __ ] but that was cute that was cute guys go crazy over her I never get hit on like that the only time I get hit on is last call at the bar right that's when I shine I'm telling you what a weird time of night right the lights go on just feels real rapey all of a sudden post-apocalyptic something happens to the men they're just like I need a woman like they all just start pacing like gorillas the eyes widen looks like they can only see by heat they're like what predator I see some dude in a full blackout just walking at me like a zombie just pointing at his own dick like here I'm like I'll get us a cab um I know I make it sound like I'm so [ __ ] up here but I've only been with four people that was a weird night um it's my business uh it doesn't matter what you do ladies every guy's Gonna Leave You for an Asian woman and you know that that's right I'm saying it in San Francisco in the hot bed in the hot bed I get it I can't compete with an Asian chick I can't they're better I've been thinking about this I did the math I know that's their thing but I did it I've been thinking about it I can't win how can I compete with an Asian chick they're smarter they have naturally silky hair this Jew denial took me like 40 minutes they laugh like this because they know men hate when women speak they're better they're just better and how do they bring it on Home For the Win oh the smallest vaginas in the game I can't compete with that what do I have what am I I've got a ba in theater and HPV no one's buying my stock I am plummeting I'm going to black guys that's what I'm trying to do that's what I'm doing yeah I can't believe I've never done it I'm built for it it seems weird I haven't gotta go for the black guy have you ever black guy yeah she's like uh yeah she's like yes look at my shirt you know I [ __ ] black guys how cute are you you're so cute you're hot I'm not gay I've caught a finger but you get what I'm saying black guys are the future some chicks are scared you know what they say once you go black your parents don't talk to you anymore or something like that I don't know I don't know something like to that effect but no this dude comes up to me this black guy and he was into it because come on and uh he walks over and he's like I'm Derek and I was like Derek he's like Derek and he had on like a nice shirt and he had like a job I was like no I want a brother if I'm gonna do what I want to really do it you know not Derek I want to like not even have a name just like nicknames everyone's like Pookie he's like what's up no job we need like a ton of lube but just like for his elbows you know what I'm talking about oh that was insanely racist you're right you're right I love joking about race it's like my favorite I was talking about this the other day I was hanging out literally all my black friend and uh I remember I was I was like to membe or whatever um tapestry it's something wild you know it's something crazy I mean that's why they need Google in the delivery room I think right it's everywhere else why not there right so when her mom was like I'm gonna name you to membo would show up and say did you mean Jennifer yeah to membe so I'm hanging out with tapioca and uh tempura or something and what was she saying she she was like girl like I won't do some racist impression so don't worry but she was like I mean we were like mid Double Dutch and uh and I'm just like stop yelling we're not at the movies [Applause] thank you thank you I'm glad you guys laughed at that that does not always work I'll be honest with you I mean nothing works a hundred percent of the time right except Mexicans I've noticed that's the one boo right the Mexicans I hear you you guys are reaching to the choir yeah so ass play you guys what do you guys think four against every night okay uh I've dealt with two kinds of guys when it comes to my personal [ __ ] um there's the kind of guy that never acknowledges it right like the whole time we were together just never which is awesome because who needs the extra maintenance can I get a what what ladies thanks sister friends [Applause] that guy's awesome right yeah you know you're getting with that guy and then there's the other kind of guy who goes for it immediately like you're not even fully kissing yet and he's trying to grab you like a bowling ball he's you're like no no he's like you said you like Jeff Dunham you're like no [Applause] no he can't trust those guys all right so I was dating the first kind of guy no ass play like the sex was very vanilla there was no funny business no dirty talk if I sent him a naughty photo he would just write back thanks like I sent him a fax he needed I think I had forwarded him an Evite uh so we were together for like years and one night out of nowhere we're at dinner and he's like I'd like to talk about something I'd like to talk about ass play and I'm like is that a Broadway show that show sounds awesome let's go see that show and he's like no ass play and as I'm asking him questions I realize he hasn't thought it through at all because I was just like do you mean on you or me and he was like oh I was like oh Jesus no this is not a brainstorm sesh here your PowerPoint buddy so that night I was like I'm gonna call him on his bluff I don't usually joke around in the bedroom but I was like [ __ ] this guy so like this JV player is gonna get it for me so so we're like making out and I'm just like where's all the ass play and like a frightened child he goes tonight and I'm like uh-huh and you can't think what he goes well did you shower I said I'm not going to answer that because I'm not a homeless woman huh I'm just some schizophrenic with a cart like Wash Me so he can't think of any other way to stall so this is what he does okay this is my [ __ ] this is his finger he goes like this and he holds it there like he was checking it for a pulse like he felt a groundhog might pop out and he'd have to whack a mull it foreign [Applause] oh God you guys are awesome I seriously sometimes that goes so awkward and it during a set I just want to like tap out I've had this image not like a wrestling tap out but just sort of soft you out of the room in an awkward situation like why can't we do that I was working at this club and uh I walked in the first night and I realized that this club there was a bathroom attendant have you ever been like oh dope a bathroom attendant works here no you're like oh it's awkward they hate you you hate you're just like oh please like you know it's unnecessary are you ever peeing like how am I gonna leave here without a starburst uh I don't like going without somebody listening no I go in the bathroom the first night and the bathroom attendant stops me at the door and she's like oh they're all full right now so you're gonna have to wait a minute and I'm like yeah yeah I know how bathrooms work uh like if she hadn't said that I was just gonna go Rogue and start pounding on all the Stalls up and down with a shiv no peeing in the sink I do what I want bathroom done so unnecessary so the last night I'm I'm at this club I go in the bathroom she's like facing the wall so I'm like oh good I go right in the stall and I'm not gonna say anything gross but I'm in there just dropping a ton of heat just massacring this bowl just I'm texting people like am I dying um to a lot of my family I just wrote goodbye that is not true I went in the bathroom peed like a normal person wiped like a human being I come out and I walk over and she's facing the wall and I'm like I hear that she's crying so I'm like excuse me um I'm about to wash my hands so you you better get [ __ ] ready um huh no she's crying and no I was like what's wrong like is it your choices like What's um no I asked her what was wrong and she was like she told me she was like my dog died so I was like I'm so sorry I've been there I'm gonna go get us some shots we're gonna get weird in here tonight okay you and me and she goes it just really doesn't feel like six years ago what do you say I just looked right at her and just but I've been really lucky like my whole life I I found friends just like me like at a young age I found girls that were just like me like we were all [ __ ] you know just little drunks running around and but in every group of girlfriends there's always like one that's the [ __ ] you know and it wasn't me and my group of friends shocker was my nickname uh [Applause] but no in my group of friends my the [ __ ] of us was this girl Katie and uh we didn't judge her for that but she would she wouldn't own it like as soon as she would have a boyfriend she'd start acting like Mother Teresa you know she'd like walk different she'd talk differently like I remember one time she walked over with her new boyfriend she was like Adam and I are thrilled you could join us for brunch I was like I've helped you could come out of your hair remember we tried using peanut butter because we're stupid remember so she moved to Connecticut and like was getting married and she had a wedding shower there and I was the only friend from home that could go so I met all of her new fancy Connecticut friends and like you know women like this like these girls they were all like very Stepford Wife you know they all like wore like pastel cashmere Cardigans and pearls and Burberry like tampons and they all spoke like this like almost in a whisper like they all were everybody just walked around whispering to each other like oh I guess we were just born with different vocal cords because I was raised better do you ski so I'm at this party and I'm like mainlining Chardonnay trying to remember fun just like why so one of the girls was like let's play a game and I'm like suicide packed I'll go first this party's the worst and she goes no let's all go around and admit something and I'm like oh no so these girls are going around they are the [ __ ] they're admitting is so boring I can't like one girl was like once I forgot to let the dog out all day and they were all like no is this happening right now ah so the girl who goes right before me Bridget the worst human I've ever met I hope she sees this that's how bad of a person she is like Bridget I hope you're watching this but she wouldn't she wouldn't be up this late uh she spoke the softest you had to like lean in and squint and read her lips because she just Bridget talked like an angel was sleeping on her tongue so anyway she's like all right you guys it's my turn bring it in and we're like we're in because we have to be because you talk like fiful uh use your diaphragm Bridge so she's like I'll admit this sometimes after Richard falls asleep I get up and eat ice cream I just wanted to find one other pair of eyes being like what a dumb [ __ ] right but nothing no one they're all looking at her like Bridget you should be asleep carbs come on so then it's my turn and uh I don't look at my friend Katie I just feel her just glaring at me just like don't be yourself right now [ __ ] this is my new life so I'm like okay um first of all Bridget thank you for being so brave uh I'll admit this it's kind of like your ice cream thing um one time I let a cab driver finger me [Applause] [Music] and Katie's like that's not how you play Amy I'm like really because I feel like I won [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh god dad died I guess like today I'm gonna talk about it on stage yeah yeah you should open with that

Channel: Comedy Central Deutschland

Views: 1,076,124

Keywords: comedy central germany, comedy central deutschland, comedy central online, comedy central, comedy central deutsch, comedy central stand up, comedy central stand up comedians, comedy central stand up full show, deutsche stand up comedy, stand up comedy, stand up comedy central, stand up deutsch, deutsche comedy, standup comedy deutsch, comedy, yt:cc=on, stand up, full show, ganze show, standup, deutscher untertitel, standup live, amy schumer, amy schumer stand up, amy shumer

Id: zjJKQ7tEdLQ

Length: 41min 32sec (2492 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 15 2023