Brad Williams Daddy Issues • Part 1 | LOLflix

[Applause] [Music] there's no way I can live up to that but damn it I'm gonna try are you guys ready to party are you guys ready to have a lot of [ __ ] fun tonight God good I like having fun I like to party I don't know about you but when I party I like to drink I like the drink is because I never have to pay for it ever because everyone wants to know what happens when a dwarf gets drunk right now you thinking like I wonder what happens I would really like to know that like I know it's like me and hot chicks me and hot chicks have that thing in common where we walk into the club and everyone just looks as it goes we're getting that [ __ ] up tonight it's true but I don't know why cuz nothing happens when I drink nothing crazy like I don't know if one of your friends told you like no man you get a [ __ ] drunk they exploding the gold coins nothing happens basically when I drink it's the same thing is what a hot chick drinks I get very emotional I'll probably text an ex and by the end of the night I might blow dude [Applause] I also say things when I'm drunk that I absolutely never say sober under any circumstances like nothing long ago I was watching a game with my buddy and the team and I put money on one I was very excited so I turned to my friend I said something to him that I would never say if I was sober I turned my go yeah chest bump I should never say that [ __ ] I should never why did I say that to my friend he's 6 foot 2 okay he's 6 foot 2 I'm sorry to burst your bubble but I have 12 friends ok it's not like the midgets get together every Sunday under the tree stop and watch football so he's 6 foot 2 but he's been my friend for 20 years I'm not his dwarf buddy I'm not his little person pal I'm just Brad to him so I say chest bump he's been drinking - he's like yeah just pump and then he jumped why the [ __ ] any job Wow why did you join it was already hard enough okay I'm already staring at him like climb every mountain like it's that get it go well you took something very difficult and then put something more difficult at the end of it it's like putting on bath tests at the end of a Special Olympics race or something okay if you didn't laugh at that joke [ __ ] you [ __ ] you that is a great joke and I'm allowed to make that joke because I was in the Special Olympics goddammit okay yes yes I ran track in the Special Olympics now if you have never seen a [ __ ] run holy [ __ ] you don't know what you're missing out on it is unbelievable when a dwarf runs the portal to heaven opens right there cuz the legs are just going off in different directions but because I was in the youth Special Olympics they didn't have everyone at the same disability also if five dwarves were running at the same time everyone would just die of a joy chasm so it wasn't just little people running it was all these different kids with all these different disabilities like some sort of make-a-wish all-star team yeah in the Far Lane there was a kid on crutches not worried about him I'm gonna kick his ass okay no problem there next to him was a kid in a wheelchair what the [ __ ] man what a wheelchair that's a performance enhancer what are you doing unless there's stairs on the track I'm losing to this guy okay then after that it was me and then after that was a [ __ ] okay what that's the politically correct term that's what they like to be referred to as they like to be called Bert guys okay that's true and don't feel sorry for him somebody who feeling sorry for him why feel sorry for me I'm the guy that's got a run in this event while my dad is up in the stands I'm looking at him like daddy are you proud of me he's like no I'm not proud of you you're running next to a parent [ __ ] I'm not rounding him and he really wasn't proud of me when parent beat me okay he cheated though he cheated his mom ran in front of him holding a marshmallow the entire time his backward so so back to the chest bump so my buddy six-foot-two chest bumps me you wanna know what happens when a six-foot to guy give us a four foot guy a chest bump four foot God gets a dick in the face that's what happens and you can't ignore a dick in the face you can't just pause over it you can't skip it like a like a fart during sex you can power through a fart during sex you can be there like Oh eye contact dude on inhale but when when that happens when that happens you have to acknowledge it you mean my friend are just staring at each other making eye contact no one knows what to say and then he finally looks down at me and goes my bad dog that is not my bad moment if you knock over my beer okay that is a my bad moment if you drag your [ __ ] across my forehead you owe me a goddamn Hallmark card this is awesome this is cool I like this I knew I knew that when I was shooting my next special I had to come back home to Southern California where I was born and raised but I travel the country and I'll be honest with you what like one of the reasons that makes on the California great is also what makes a shitty because we have amazing weather all the time but that makes us [ __ ] okay and we know we've all been there like oh my god I am NOT going outside today it is 68 degrees outside are the school even though it's done but I'm one of you so yeah bad weather freaks me out I was in New York City not too long ago and yeah and they got a blizzard there they got a foot and a half of snow in one day okay one [ __ ] doing okay and I'm on stage talking about like I got foot Napa snow outside the audience is like no big deal like no it's a big deal and you the food habits know is that the foot inhabit snow and I am four feet [ __ ] tall that's a big deal for me maybe not for you guys maybe you guys walk around a foot in half of snow you trip you follow your knee gets wet you're like oh god it's wintertime if I trip and fall in a foot in that half of snow I die here's that words I was scared I went to one of those sporting goods stores and I bought one of those soccer Flags and I just duct-tape that [ __ ] to my back walk around New York City like this the entire time people are looking at me like Brad you look like a loser don't give a [ __ ] I'm gonna live I travel a lot obviously for my job it's fun but sometimes stuff happens like last week I was on the road and had a long flight I had the window seat the person next we fell asleep so I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom the entire time so when I landed I really had to go to the bathroom so I run to the airport bathroom now here's where we come to a little bit of bathroom etiquette that I don't think a lot of the gentlemen in this audience are aware of okay ladies you can tune out this does not concern you gentlemen when you are in a public bathroom stay the [ __ ] away from my urinal see the men are laughing because they know what you're know I'm talking about the winner like we have the urinal yes I do I have a journal in every single bathroom across these United States it's required by law there's always two or three your nose that are way up here there's always one that's way the [ __ ] down there that's mine that is my urinal do not use that you know that is reserved for me that is reserved for your five-year-old son Zachary and that is reserved for any man with a two-foot dick okay so black guys clapping it's like I could use that [ __ ] you can't so I go to this bathroom now in this airport bathroom it's all open urinals it's a cornucopia of your annals one might even say they have a plethora of urinals and they're all wide open only one is being taken up guess which one your nose being taken up all right so now I'm behind the guy I'll do this like dwarf I got a Peter and say right behind him now other people who walk in the bathroom they see a dwarf dancing right behind it you see a dwarf dancing behind someone you think I'm casting a spell on him or something [ __ ] and I just had this moment where I couldn't take it anymore so I just looked at the dude I was like excuse me sorry he turned around and this is exactly what he did no exaggeration he just turns around and goes no [ __ ] way like all that was missing was the Southwest Airline logo like want to get away I was telling my friend about this story he's like Brad why didn't you just use a regular size you know listen I would love to use the regular size girl I don't possess the muscle control necessary to use the regular size journal if I use the regular size you know I gotta be like P shut it off pee shy not be shy nah I can't do that I haven't done enough Kegel see when I was nice to the guy I just said excuse me sorry turn around that was it I'm not gonna be nice anymore I'm not if I would go to a bathroom I see one of you tall [ __ ] and you are using my urinal I will go full r.kelly on your leg [Applause]

Channel: laugh out loud flix

Views: 1,610,243

Rating: 4.9240804 out of 5

Keywords: lol, Comedy, stand up comedy, Laugh Out Loud, LOL Network, Netflix Is A Joke, YouTube Recommended, Recommended For You

Id: K8Afn6ChrBY

Length: 11min 43sec (703 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 07 2020