Anthony Jeselnik: Caligula - Full Special

Anthony jck Anthony Anthony Anthony jck jck Anthony jth jck Anthony jck Anthony Jony Anthony jck [Applause] I know right thank you guys so great to be here in Chicago I really do love this town I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago this was like 10 years ago you know back before I was even a comedian yet back then I was just a regular old piece of like you guys but I'll never forget this date you know we meet up at a bar we start drinking we start talking we're laughing together we're connecting it was great but then we leave the bar we go back to her place way and as soon as we walk in the front door she passes out cold on her couch now I went to college I knew I had a million options [Applause] but I'm a gentleman so I did the smart thing I just got a blanket I tucked her in and I left her a note that said you got raped [Applause] thank you I feel like it's very important you know very important to open up my show with a rape joke just to see what kind of crowd I'm dealing with here you guys are going to be great but if you were upset or you were offended in any way please don't worry I've only got two more rape jokes and I wait about 15 minutes but don't think I'm a bad person for making that joke don't think I'm a bad guy for saying that I'm a good guy like I would never hit a woman you know I would never hit a woman even if she had a knife or a stutter that's not how I do business in fact I might be one of the greatest guys of all time like I've got a kid in Africa yeah that I feed that I clothe that I school that I inoculate for 75 cents a day which is practically nothing you know compared to what it cost to send them there you guys are you guys are doing great so far I love performing in Chicago the only weird thing about performing in Chicago for me is after all my shows everybody just wants to do drugs with me be like Anthony that was hilarious I got a join on me let's go smoke it hey jessick amazing job as usual I've got mushrooms in my backpack let's eat them and I've got to keep telling them the same thing I'm going to tell you guys right now hey ass I'm famous give it to [Applause] me I think my friend Jeff is gay I don't know I'm so bad with names smart crowd when I was a kid my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard $10,000 in Damages but we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia I make a lot of jokes about death because it's hilarious my whole family's like that kind of you know in fact well before I was even born my great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus police tried to say she was committing suicide but the family knew that she was just trying to stop civil [Applause] rights yesterday I accidentally uh hit a little kid with my car it wasn't serious nobody saw me and people get weird when kids die no that's a fact that's a fact like about a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide and go seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator it's all anybody talked about for weeks I said who cares how many kids you know get to die a [Applause] winner I assume you guys all knew who you were coming to see tonight but if you didn't you sure know now like one thing I've never understood is like the foot fetish like are you guys together right here yeah how long you guys been together five years five years wow do you ever suck on her feet no would you if you had a different girlfriend or are you like across the board no feet you don't really mind it you just don't do it to her because you have Mistresses again cuz I'm across the board no feet I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking her idea and while we're hiking she gets bit by a snake in between two toes and I had to suck out the poison so she's [Applause] dead what's your name where you from Bridget um suburbs the suburbs that Shir narrows it down what uh what do you do I'm a fulltime student you're a full-time student okay what do you what do you study psychology psychology where do you go to school brockford College brockford college so you're not going to be a good psychologist [Applause] have you ever uh have you ever been on a blind date before you ever do that no you're lucky I went on a blind date once just once and I will never do it again it was the biggest disaster of all time she ended up being a burn victim by the end of the night I mean it was like the worst I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer but no one will do it [Applause] my ex-girlfriend owned a paret did you guys hear what I just said she owned a parakeet oh my God that thing never shut up but the bird was cool my ex-girlfriend had a lot of like really annoying habits you know I think the worst was she loved to read women's magazines like Cosmo or uh or things like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz and Not only would she present that to me as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together even though every question is designed my entire world World up but even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them so we'd get the best score like I'll never forget the last time we played that game she was like Anthony if you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead who would it be and I said I don't know Caligula and she goes really Caligula that's your answer that's what you're going to say to me your girlfriend are you sure I said oh I'm sorry baby let me change that I'd have lunch with you and you'd be dead yeah we're not together any anymore she's got a she's got a new boyfriend now they just moved in together and I've heard rumors that he's abusive which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat and then blame it on her boyfriend but I don't want to sound like a misogynist up here my ex-girlfriend wasn't like a bad person really she wasn't a bad girl at all but she was terrible in bed terrible in bed I mean she would just lie there screaming no that was rape joke number two baby doll yeah clap it up but my girlfriend now was great you my girlfriend now was almost perfect and she hates that I tell rape jokes hates it says Anthony how can you make light of something as terrible as rape after I told you that I got raped in high school and I said baby because I don't believe you my my girlfriend and I argue a lot it's mostly her arguing with me kind of thing like I should just keep my mouth shut every fight we get into is my fault I should just keep my mouth shut but I can't because I'm so funny like a couple of nights ago we go to a party we get trashed completely wasted wake up in bed the next morning completely hung over and I know I should just keep my mouth shut but instead I roll over and I say listen baby don't get mad but I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night and she hit the roof she goes Anthony that's impossible and I said oh well in that case you should always wear [Applause] makeup I love that joke so much here's why did you guys hear like the sounds you made like that was the worst thing I've said tonight I've told three rape [Applause] jokes I like to play pranks on my girlfriend you know keep things fresh for me make me laugh you know she hates it but like the other night I put Saran rrap over the toilet seat you know which doesn't sound that original but she's [Applause] bulimic I like that you laugh until I look at you and then you stop laughing cuz you don't want to give me the satisfaction it's great you seem like a cool girl in a completely different environment but we make it work you know like how long have you guys been together right here three years three years okay what would you say is like the secret like a good long relationship communication wrong the secret is trying new things to get together right especially in the bedroom like the other night my girlfriend and I are in bed together she says Anthony I want you to pee on me no I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life never even imagined it before but then I got the green light and apparently it's my thing like I just jumped up right away but as soon as I begin she starts screaming at me like it's my fault she talks in her sleep [Applause] no big deal for me my girlfriend yells at me all the time she yells at me all the time and again I'm a gentleman I never think it's okay to yell back at a woman no matter what when you saw how I handled that right I never think it's okay to yell back at a but the other night she yelled at me for so long and so loud that the cops came to the door which is embarrassing because now I've got to answer my own door and say officers I'm so sorry there is no reason for you to be here tonight I already tased her I've got this friend named Kevin I call him a friend more of an acquaintance really you know one of those people who think they're way better friends with you than they actually are like the other day Kevin says to me hey man you know what I like to do when I'm all by myself and no one's around before I can say hey we're not really friends he says I like to take peanut butter and smear it all over myself and then let my dog lick it off I said dude you have got to get yourself a girlfriend I'll trade you mine for that [Applause] dog being a comedian is the greatest job in the world like greatest job in the world once you get to my level the only thing I don't like is all the travel I'm always flying somewhere always in an airport even flying into Chicago a couple days ago 2 and a half hour flight delay I'm stuck in an airport bar talking to some random ass and I got nowhere to go so I'm like hey man what do you do and he says and I quote oh nothing right now but I used to be a priest as an O right but I got nowhere to go so we keep talking we keep drinking finally two hours goes by guy gets up he's hey man I got to catch my flight but I don't want to lie to you I used to be a priest I got kicked out because I molested a kid now here's the thing after talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for 2 hours I have to admit he was actually a really cool guy you like if you could forget about you know all that Jesus [Applause] bull yeah that's a favorite I'm probably going to tell again later but it's not all bad news with me you know my grandfather turns 100 years old next month maybe I'm really skeptical I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was a kid my grandmother died from a heart attack during my 9th birthday party literally while she was eating cake and I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit you know I mean I still have birthday parties but now I'm just careful what I wish for I'm sure my dad had his problems you know had his issues my dad was a big- time alcoholic Major League alcoholic blackout every night kind of alcoholic but to his credit my dad never once laid a finger on either me or my mom not once and I don't know if it was just because he loved us so much or if he just hated my sisters but either way [Applause] either way it was a great dad you remember a tough time for me I was like 10 years old my parents call me into their bedroom they say Anthony we want to get a divorce you have to decide which one of us you you want to live with and I was a 10-year-old kid I didn't know any better I just said Dad Dad I want to live with Dad you know it was heartbreaking my mom just looked at the floor and said well whatever you want Anthony and my dad just said I don't want to divorce anymore and maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk god the old man was into some really crazy but then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever I think this is like a universal thing for guys I'm 12 years old I'm sneaking around my house and I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic that was a great day that was a game changer for me but then the worst day of my life was the day I found my mom's porn in the back of that video store I told that joke recently on Conan that's right Conan and immediately afterwards my mom called me on the phone and she said Anthony what the do you really have to make up a joke that makes me sound like I work in pornography and then say it on Conan that's my least favorite joke that you have and I just said well Mom that's only because you have haven't heard the other jokes I tell about you that they are not allowed to let me say on Conan per example my mom is crazy people always like the joke oh my mom's crazy my mom is crazy her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess D and they're all from right after the accident most of them she Drew like it's really up you guys and my mom's been having a hard time lately you know she just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed if she's ever going to be good at [Applause] golf yeah that canot be easy to hear so I went home to visit I'm from Pittsburgh originally you know just hang out with my mom for a little bit you know yeah congrats want to go home hang out with for a little bit you know help her out cheer up but all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her like every day every day it's Anthony go play my numbers go play my numbers please I don't want to miss out today finally after a week of this I had to say to her mom are you out of your goddamn mind don't you know you've got a better chance of getting struck by lightning than me doing you a favor now you guys have been a great crowd tonight you've gone with me everywhere I've wanted you to go but you've just been sitting there this whole time thinking Anthony this is all well and good but where are your offensive jokes where are your showstoppers if you will well guys I save those for the end I'm going to tell you all a series of jokes right now that are going to get increasingly more offensive I like that enthusiasm let's see how far it carries they say it's easy they say it's easy to make fun of [ __ ] people but let me tell you guys something it is not you have really got to explain it to them [Applause] that was the first one every night my girlfriend comes home from work and she brings with her a house plant she's like Anthony I had to pick this up we need a house plant in our apartment and every night I make her return it I say no way baby you can't take care of a house plant you couldn't even keep your baby alive two for two [Applause] huh we just uh we just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy a peanut allergy which is very serious I know but still I feel like my parents are totally over reacting they caught me eating a tiny little bag of Airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh at some of these jokes that's okay not everybody has a great sense of humor you guys will probably love my little nephew he's like six years old so cute I talk to him every day on the phone and he's unbelievable he's got like the greatest imagination ever he's either going to be an incredible artists someday or he really did get molested [Music] I wasn't even laughing about that one I was thinking about what's coming I feel like I need to say like I really believe this that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world right like literally right below Comm iian so to me if a mother does her best then in my book she's a good mom right now my mom did her very best unfortunately she was also a terrible person like my mom for most of her life and this is true my mom for most of her life was a holocaust denier right does everybody know what that means I mean she couldn't believe the Holocaust happened it's like the worst thing you can be and it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until finally a couple years ago we had an intervention and we had a rabbi come into the home had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people and then he made her watch Schindler's List and after that my mom did a complete one 180 now she can't believe it only happened [Applause] once I'm not a religious person I would uh I would call myself an atheist you know I don't have a good story behind it I'm just reasonable my girlfriend my girlfriend has got like the greatest story behind why she's not religious anymore said when she was a kid like 12 years old her parents nailed a 25 lb crucifix to the wall right above her bed and about 2 weeks later in the middle of the night the crucifix Falls off the wall and leaves a 2-in gash in the back of her dad's [Applause] head like whether you laughed or not you got to admit that's a great [Applause] store now this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I love to meet fans after the show I like when people come up and say Anthony you're a genius Anthony best show I've ever seen and that's it I don't never want to hear anything else if you've got a bone to pick with me over something I've said tonight instead you should just shut the up because seriously I know more about comedy than you do and you came to see me this like I said shut the up but still even after I've just said all that you still feel like you need to come up and and [ __ ] well then I will be as polite as I can possibly be however it is ill-advised because you will end up as a joke in my Act much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in Seattle after a show he walked up and said Anthony Anthony why didn't you tell any blind jokes tonight I came here to hear blind jokes tonight and I said well here's a blind joke [Applause] another good one for me was the lesbian in Portland who ran up after a show and I know she was a lesbian because she ran up and yelled out Anthony I'm a lesbian and I thought you were really funny tonight but you're just lucky you didn't make any lesbian jokes up there cuz I would have gotten really mad if you would made fun of any lesbians tonight and I wanted to say to her hey do you realize that that makes you a terrible person and that you have no sense of humor plus you're an idiot if you felt okay laughing at all the other messed up things I joked about you'd have gotten really upset if IID made fun of you or something you cared about and I was gonna say all that but then I remembered Anthony She's a Lesbian she knows my second favorite postow interaction of all time had to be uh was in Boston a couple years ago and a uh very drunk girl they're always very drunk ran up to me and she screams out you should never make fun of the Holocaust and I said why you know just to be a dick and she says because I lost family in the Holocaust and I said well you don't look Jewish and she said listen ass there are certain lines you're not supposed to cross certain boundaries you're never supposed to push and I said hey hey hey I just gave you a compliment [Applause] but my favorite the best most unbeatable never going to happen again postow interaction of all time had to be just just about a year ago I was performing in Orlando Florida home of Casey Anthony and this is right after the trial like immediately after the trial and I said listen everybody I don't understand what the big deal is here of course Casey Anthony is innocent she's guilty of anything it's killing her baby now after after the show I'm taking pictures signing tits you know how it is and a guy walks up to me totally sober looking very upset and he says you need to do me a favor which is a terrible way to start he says you need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever again and I said why you know just to be a dick and he says I'll never forget this he says because her daughter Kaylee Anthony is my niece and I said bll at which point he takes out his phone sadly hits a couple buttons he shows me a picture of him holding little Kaye Anthony in happier times of course and he says see see you son of a [ __ ] and I said no man I believe you I just mean she was your niece thank you very much everybody have a great night thank you so much right guys your [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 137,986

Keywords: Anthony Jeselnik: Caligula - Full Special, stand up featuring, featuring, comedy central stand up featuring, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, Anthony Jeselnik, Anthony Jeselnik stand up, caligula, anthony jeselnik, anthony jeselnik full special, anthony jeselnik stand up comedy, anthony jeselnik comedy central, Anthony jeselnik

Id: ts5FalYIzMw

Length: 41min 57sec (2517 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 29 2024