Chris Distefano: Size 38 Waist - Full Special

because you sure you should be eating that much meat before a show cause Meats and Sweets is what I need to feed my [ __ ] hips it's just how I roll excuse me do you know where the nearest farmer's market is farmer's market there's no Farms you're in New York it's just Puerto Ricans and pizza stop microaggressing us what are you saying yeah when you masturbate you just go Chris whoa what are you doing out here you should be inside getting ready whoa Chas Palmer Terry I told you I know Chaz commentaries kids always think I'm lying Chad knows me thank you so much for introducing me you know I love you babe the show is going to be great tonight it's going to knock your socks off I promise you that I can't see the show Chris I'm heading over to see RK fire do a secret show in Bushwick I see you fellas at the venue yeah we crash cleans you out your Brooklyn has changed I want to cry let's have a good show all right let's go be funny [Music] everybody thank you very much thank you thanks a lot hey hey Brooklyn Brooklyn you know uh thank you very much my father always used to say that the saddest thing in life is wasted talent and the choices you make will shape your life forever well lucky to the guy I'm about to introduce didn't waste this talent and he's made great choices like having me introduce him because uh I locked the doors and now you can't leave okay ladies and gentlemen this is really one funny funny guy give it up for Chris De Stefano hi thank you are you is it for me or for Chaz listen you guys great friend great energy you know and it's it's mostly um well it's mostly white people so that's surprising you know because usually when it's kind of almost all white it's not as great as it is but you guys yeah it's good I'm white you know it's kind of hard it's kind of hard to be white right I mean I deal with it but you know I have white issues yeah eczema you know I mean scoliosis gluten allergies all that moderate to severe plaque psoriasis you know what I'm talking about right white ailments you know you got ailments and you got the ointments that help with the ailments but you know I'm one of the good white people I gotta be honest I'm one of the good ones it's a bad yeah white people I'm from New York so it's like you know I'm not like Midwest south white like I'm I'm the city white like I'm all about cultural you know diversity I'm more Filipino than some Filipino people you know like there's nine million people in this city so you can't be you know but the new white is kind of a little bit like all right you know it's like this hipster person that loves himself yoga classes fruit shakes racial Harmony we're gonna make a difference it's like you're gonna get shot okay I mean listen I know you're having a good time with yourself but you're on a unicycle okay so yeah just listen have a good time knock yourself out but you're coming down my block on a wheel so we take that as a direct threat you know what I'm saying like I don't know what you want me to say like and they're very nice people like this new everybody here looks like they're probably from New York right you're from New York right you're [ __ ] you're wearing your union sweatshirt yeah you're [ __ ] where's New York yeah you're a human [ __ ] piece of sheetrock I know you're from New York you're like no I built this whole set for you guys what are you talking about New York you got New York you got the Yankee symbol tattooed on your ball sack I know you are yeah dude yeah [ __ ] boom look I know see I mean dude listen listen I [ __ ] knew it there's no [ __ ] did it we did it thank you Derek Jeter whoever God of New York gave me that thank you good I knew it bro all right formal good guy but this new Disney and we we got like because when you're from New York like there's an attitude that we have like nobody's nice to you but I'm comfortable with that like I prefer that that's my speed you know these new people are so nice it's like defensive to me because they come they have Mana that come in you know Hey sir good morning I'm like who the [ __ ] are you dude listen just don't talk to me okay I know I know you're new here but if you see something say something but other than that we're just out here we're getting Bagels we're going back in our house like we you know I I kind of don't but you know you can't say anything I don't say anything let him and I just feel like the the new man to me like this new kind of hipster man acts like a child in a way because they're coddled it's a very calm you know how it is it's changed if everybody's soft now sensitive which is pot there's positive [ __ ] in that but I just you know to me it's I got hit I would get punched in the face by family members friends like you would love to hit me I know that and you're and that would be like a hello he's like what's up [ __ ] face you know hit back and I'm like oh that's cute I'm gonna be the best man at your wedding but you know nobody gets hit anymore now you just get a email in all caps lock and it's like yeah well like you know so I would if I did something stupid I'd get popped and then you're good but now now the new man because the other day I saw a guy he was like legit 45 years old going to work on a scooter he was on a scooter you seen these people are you guys thinking I'm saying I'm not talking about Machinery I'm talking about doing this grown man like this smiling just gliding down the street I was like do you think your wife's not cheating on you you know I mean like yeah why would she not be cheating on you I can't think of reasons she wouldn't be cheating on you I was with my boys I was like do you think this do you think this guy's wife's cheating on him they were like yeah we bang his wife that's why we're here dude yeah we don't know why you're here but we're here for the gang bang just think about your father think about that man right now could you imagine if he left the house one day on a scooter think about your dad dude think about think about [ __ ] you could you imagine I would look at my mother and be like listen to me Dad's Gone okay let's do me a favor forget about that okay I'm six years old I run the whole operation now so you know you know let me go learn shapes and [ __ ] and then we'll figure out dad's playing hopscotch in the back we lost you know we lost that but you can't say anything what are you gonna do I just observed I just see this and it's fine you know the other day I saw a guy jogging he was wearing those shoes that you could put put each individual toe into I was like can I tell you the top 10 reasons I hate you it's each one of your toes moving independently okay the last thing I ever wanted to see when I woke up this morning was the dexterity of me it's disgusting and then he was like um yeah it gives my soul a better workout that's what he said to me this guy I was like I want to punch you and your soul and watch it explode into kale chips that I want to happen so bad but I won't I don't hit I won't hit you can't hit I won't hit I'm non-violent non-binary non not fat latte I'm just Chrissy nuts I don't yeah I can't and not with this face I can't I got German [ __ ] gestapo face I can't I'm too you know I'm too I look like the problem you know what I mean I've told you I'm one of the good ones but people want to [ __ ] yeah some of you guys got you got whistleblower face right here you with the glasses you want to blog about this face bad I won't let you do it no you won't put me in a hashtag no you look like a nice guy if anything goes wrong tonight you got my back absolutely [ __ ] yeah do you have a gun on you you have your hand in this guy is his hand in his left pocket you can't the cameras pick that up do you have a weapon you're great I like you guys okay New York you know I like other places too but I don't know just like a city you know person I have a I have a kid now which a lot of people don't have kids anymore no oh yeah so many people have children okay not you no kids kids no oh you got a kid yeah yeah no somebody won't have kids you know like I'm waiting for the right time I'm like you're 75 years old you know like either do it or don't do it but yeah beautiful my baby two years old half Puerto Rican half Italian that's a mix right there yes samio Puerto Rican and Italian yeah yeah I named uh I named her West Side Story that's what I wanted to do it's like a fits she gets mad I'm like what's up you know over here what's up yeah that's a real New York thing to do Italians Puerto Ricans hello babe and listen those are emotional cultures Italians in the Puerto Ricans that's I have a dramatic emotional little baby I have a problem on my hands I'm not gonna lie to you guys because you know she's a toddler but she's a woman she's just a miniature baby woman already has opinions you know doesn't take what I say at face value she's very suspicious like this girl's my whole pride and joy everything to me and she's like generally annoyed at everything I do always like I'll come home she'll be like look who decided to show up look look just stand there on angles like did she learned how to walk five minutes ago she's standing there like that with her pacifier smoking it cigarette who's crying is this it's not my crayon so like do you have another family or it's interesting to me that this is my crayon [ __ ] crazy did you forget you have a family I'm like I've been gone for 10 minutes she always walks around wild her hair is always nuts she always looks like she just got electrocuted I don't know how to comb my hair I mean I try I try to comb it I only know how to comb it like this and then we both just look like both look like two douchebags just walking down the street you know yeah people want a good laugh whatever your kid they don't have kids they want to do it and everybody wants to be like a part of everything you notice that like everybody's gotta like I'm a parent because I have a child that's why I'm a parent and if you don't have a if you don't have a child it's okay but you're just not a parent I'm sorry I was in one of these new Brooklyn coffee shops and this guy was like you have to respect my right as a parent even though I don't have children I was like no I don't that's genuinely like the definition of your parent is having is being a being a parent is having a child and you don't have a child he's like well I have cats I'm like good for you like I like animals too but it's not the same thing okay I mean if I threw your cat off a balcony tomorrow I would get a high five from a cop just boom and maybe a summons it depends it depends if they're trying to fill a quota but it wouldn't be an issue because I know it wouldn't be an issue I know and I do like cats but most police people will be like all right it's one less cat you know it's not it's okay I mean you know they pop up they're fine this guy was like you have to he's like the cats are my children I'm like okay you're living in one of the only times in history where you won't get killed almost immediately for saying that I mean if this was 1600 Salem Massachusetts and you walked into the village and you said these are my children the cats they would burn you at the stake right away I mean there would not even be a trial they'd be like strap them up light them up it's [ __ ] Witchcraft and we want it out of here and the whole town would clap he would clap yep be like yeah get him out of here not like this but they were just yeah that was I didn't need you guys to clap but thank you I just felt like oh look they'll do anything I want no yeah do it but I don't know trying to look again I like the new world I like it's Progressive it's cool all that stuff is but it's just you know everybody wants to be in control every Everybody Wants to plan their pregnancies now that's the new thing everyone planning their pregnancies folic acid vegetables I don't want any adversity in the womb it's like well your kid's gonna be a [ __ ] okay I mean listen you can do what you want ball with bumpers that's your right but we're gonna have to deal with your kid all right I mean I don't worry about my daughter not at all you know why she was unplanned you know what that means she's a Survivor okay Survivor yeah the odd GP were incredible I mean the [ __ ] she survived as an embryo we couldn't survive as fully grown adults no way 15 morning after pills my kid beat every single one yeah she was just down there like no Daddy no Daddy no Daddy she grew arms two months ahead of schedule to swat away plan B's like Dikembe Mutombo she's like no no no no not to throw him down there she would throw them back out and I was like oh you tried to kill me now I'm gonna try to kill you so like foreign Rocco what's its name oh Benjamin oh [ __ ] look at you like an aristocrat [ __ ] it we call it [ __ ] Benny diapers buddy Benjamin yeah [ __ ] Benjamin something nice Benjamin yeah I told you everybody's coddled now every did you notice that like everybody it's like oh it's okay it's kind of like you never knew anybody with a peanut allergy before 2007. you never met a per I went to school and they said nine million people I never met anybody with a peanut analogy and I know everybody not as many people as you but I know everybody you know I know the people you know it's like now people got I got a nephew he has a peanut allergy and he talks [ __ ] to me all the time he runs his mouth every time he comes over he runs his mouth I'm like first of all I'm your uncle okay I'll give you one of these and [ __ ] paralyze you just boom bang I'll knock out you can't be able to feel the right arm your right arm for a year you know and then I'm also like look I'm your uncle like I don't really love you you know what I'm saying like I tolerate you because yeah your mom's my sister but like I don't [ __ ] like her either to be honest with you she's a [ __ ] she flushed my figurines on the toy in 1993 I'm looking for payback you're an easy target listen I mean yeah in analogy you're the definition of making it look like an accident it's so easy to make it so just watch your mouth you know get through the next 12 hours we'll see we'll see what you do you know yeah he runs his mouth oh he's talking like I checked on him he slept at my house last week I checked on him I opened the doors like hey buddy are you okay he's like yeah I'm fine what's your problem I was like what do you mean what's my problem what's your problem he's like oh what's my problem you're my problem I'm like no cashews are your problem okay I mean are you kidding me I haven't been able to bring an Almond Joy within a thousand feet here since I met you Bubble Boy [ __ ] oh my God is not your problem you're allergic to peanuts that's a real problem I mean all you have to do is bring the Snickers in here and your life is over do you understand like just walk around with a handful of pecans just walk around I might clean your room no [ __ ] you all right I'll get the EpiPen okay I should walk around with an AK-47 full of epinephrine just in case his kids steps on a [ __ ] Walnut but you know this kid's got real issues I don't know dude don't worry about it you're in New York too right see the [ __ ] tattoo on your own jail time what have you done it's like a jail tat you're like maybe tonight you keep looking at me because why don't you just [ __ ] do your jokes and make fun of Benjamin just worry about us a little bit as a country you know because it's getting you don't want to lose world war three I don't know I don't know it's happening we may lose all the enemy has to up their weapons and gluten over what if North Korea throws a gluten bomb the streets around Brown with diarrhea and then I worry about it I just worry about it no we'll never lose it's the first joke I told on that we never you kidding me we're America this is the back-to-back World War Champs don't forget that [ __ ] that's true that's a fact that's a fact Benjamin please oh absolutely we're 2-0 look it up 2-0 people step up they get knocked down that's just how it works listen I'm not gonna go because of my psoriasis and [ __ ] but like I just you go I'm gonna get very itchy during conflict but I'll tweet the enemy I'm like [ __ ] you Isis you know but I'm not gonna go back to back World War Champs I didn't create that I don't want to take credit I did not write that but I have a t-shirt I legit bought a t-shirt that says back to back World War Champs people hate us as a country okay I mean it's just back-to-back World War Champs I wear it I'm not gonna lie to you I [ __ ] it yeah I wear put that [ __ ] on every fourth of July that's what I do put it on fly to Japan um walk around the airport never forget and then I fly back home that's what I don't can't come to your barbecue can't come you're all right did you get upset at that one okay because I'm not can't fly I'm [ __ ] joking around I can't fly I can't fly to Japan my jeans are from all Navy okay I mean come on if Spirit Airlines doesn't go there I'm not going no just that's the truth of it all disrespect to Spirit if you were if I don't know if you put the Planes together no disrespect it's a union I don't know if it's a union Airline I apologize I had ADHD I grew up I had ADHD but I had ADHD in 1990 okay when nobody had that [ __ ] all right there were no support groups there was no GoFundMe I was just the weird kid that bit people so I'm just you know I didn't go to birthday parties because I just in a freaking crate you know I didn't cry about it just had to go on Ritalin the state of New York was like he can't come back out in public unless he's on some kind of medication he needs to be sedated my mother's such a nice beautiful person she didn't want me to have to like emotionally process then I had to take a pill so she would wrap the Ritalin up in cheese I swear to God that was her solution she's like honey what are you talking about it's not a pill it's not a bell It's Magic cheats Come on Mommy wants to eat your magic cheese who's a good boy I'm like what am I a [ __ ] beagle you know I'm a bad kid just break it up and let me snort it because yeah I mean I sell the magic cheese in school that's what it is 20 a slice I get for this [ __ ] people are requesting provolone enough with the Swiss it has holes in it product falls through the hall it's a whole thing you know what I'm talking about it's the whole thing like yeah head anxiety though real anxiety and I don't come from the I don't have to like the kind of friends and family who can have anxiety you know but I haven't bet but I was born with it as soon as I came out of the womb [ __ ] hit the fan I had no yeah I just I was born with my thumbs flexed in on both hands at first the doctors thought I had no thumbs they didn't think just turn his hand over thumb no they went zero two hundred my mother thinks she has this beautiful little baby boy doctor's like yeah not so fast lady your kids got no [ __ ] thumbs so we don't know what he's gonna do without the thumb he's genuinely not a human you can't manipulate objects you know pens pencils crayons he can scoop [ __ ] yeah he'll be good at scooping and or squeezing those are thumbless activities we've identified as strengths yeah pretty much anything else done Super Bowl parties below salsa con queso there you go dip hand just walk around Tostito scoop yeah but real anxiety you know now my I got that's only my daughter now she could talk now any day she's gonna ask me Daddy are monsters real I'm gonna be like probably you know I just I don't have friends but you can have anxiety like I said I can't I hang out with like real like guys like you can't Affair I can't [ __ ] come to you with my anxiety [ __ ] you told me to go suck a dick that's what you tell me to do like listen why don't you go blow something you know I know you would and it's her fault um yeah all my friends cops firemen criminals they don't understand I was like I have anxiety they're like anxieties for the Democrats I'm like I don't know go ask Hillary about your anxiety install me my friend's a fireman like five medals for pulling people out of fires if you knew his political views you'd be like just let me burn you'll be like yeah I'm good sir when you go yeah go make the firehouse great again I'm [ __ ] you know but you know one of those tough guy families that I'm listen I'm tough I'm not really like I look tough like sometimes people like oh you're in shape I'm not if I took my shirt off right now I look like the melting candle from Beauty and the Beast just rows of tits just look like a pregnant Pitbull I can hide it shoulders but I'm just soft you know I gotta yeah I've been eating a lot of sweets I got a size 38 waist yeah oh yeah thunder thighs [Applause] yes 38 waist 32 lengths what kind of dimensions I mean I feel like a Midwestern stepmom you know I go to the Gap I'm like do you have 38 32 they're like no we don't Diane okay why don't you have another [ __ ] crepe fatty pants [ __ ] hips you're eating your Felix like my grandpa very tough man very tough man he actually fought in World War II um so did everybody's Grandpa right that's like not a big deal that was just a war of all Grandpa it's like my grandpa was in the mafia true blue yeah true mafika okay not using the wrong I thought you would wool but that was a soft woo too I'm writing an expose on the mafia I think that's what it sounded like can I talk to you for my research yeah Mafia but fought in World War II which I always thought was interesting it's like you're a criminal you're in the mafia but then you're gonna go fight in the war you're not good with authority like it's interesting like he was probably annoying on the battlefield anything the general said my grandpa was like yeah how about no about yeah [Applause] why don't you go through an Eisenhower not my [ __ ] you can't probably showed up to every battle like not even wearing the uniform he's just out there on like a wife feeder with a sauce stain no no gun everyone else got an AK-47 assault rifle this guy's out there with a [ __ ] baseball bat you know just what do you need me to do what kill people that's what I do oh yeah no don't worry I'll make the whole thing look like an accident all right so just who needs to go bye-bye just yeah walked up the German tanks flicking cigarettes at them United States of Mario that's who's here now okay yeah it's like Grandpa you don't have to put the bodies in the trunk of the tank okay just shoot them move up the beach but let's Brooklyn kid right you yeah yeah yeah dude my dad my dad's a great guy great guy but you know he look look some people you're just not they're not going to understand like the new world and they're just not going to be Progressive like they're never going to be woke it's just they're asleep forever it's like she's not gonna do it just move on like you're never gonna get my dad to understand [ __ ] like he just thinks everybody's gay so my dad's thing he's like well it's everybody's gay now Chris I'm like nobody's gay he's like you're gay I'm like I'm not gay and then he'll just look at me I'm like am I gay [Applause] like he just has that look where he just looks through you he's like you're gay if you do anything that he thinks is gay you're just you're gay forever and it never changes like it's happened to me like you know it's never even that gay of a thing it's just a thing you do and then boom you get stamped like I had a blueberry yogurt once when I was when I was 15 and it's never been the same since just I'm telling you if he was here right now he'd be like lick the microphone Chris you know you want to come on let's go yeah come on lick it dip it in the Chobani boyfriend kid loves yogurts like I imagine he was like talking to his friends like you know I got a gay son they're like oh really we didn't know like I didn't know either until we started eating probiotics then I know that's how it came out start Ed eating yogurts he's a very supportive man though that's the problem like he's very like you want to hate him but you can't because he's always got my back like no matter what he's got my back which is like awesome even times when I haven't been in the right like I remember I got into a big fight in high school once I broke a chair over somebody's head whoops you know I didn't mean to I just I don't know I used to get emotional like I used to cry a lot like out of nowhere it was like a bipolar mess and all boy Catholic High School somebody's gonna you can't do that you're gonna laugh at you know so this kid starts laughing at me so I broke the chair right over his head and then I just that was like my mother's side sensitive and then I my father hit him I was like Jekyll and Hyde [ __ ] and then like as he was losing Consciousness I was like I'm sorry it's like riding a poem like I want to write you a letter and just take care of you but then snapped out again so I got thrown right out of school and uh my dad call my dad I'm like Dad look I'm you know I apologize it's embarrassing but I got kicked out of school he goes no you didn't I was like yeah I did like they're writing the police report he goes I'm coming down there I was like please don't come down here he was like I'm coming down there I was like oh boy so he just walks into the principal's office she's supposed to have a meeting you know that just walks right in he goes uh my son allegedly Criminal because my son allegedly somebody in the head in the head we saw I'd like to make a plea I was like what are you talking about the principal is like um sorry yeah your son's been expelled I'm sorry but Catholic institution you know he broke a chair over somebody's head my dad's like just something money can't fix just so he's like how much what do you want me to do what do you want me to do and the prince was like no sir um no no thank you but you know he's expelled and it's nice having him here but he's done my dad goes there's got to be another way another principal says sir I'm sorry there's no other way and that goes let's think of another way he was like I'm here to negotiate with you he's like yeah there's no negotiations your son has been expelled my dad goes think of another way and the principal just gets upset he goes sir are you stupid there's no other way and that made my dad really upset he goes you just call me stupid okay Chrissy lock the door listen anytime my dad called me by my girl name I knew [ __ ] was about to get real oh what soon as he said that yes yep I freaking talked it back and I locked that door I was like I'm your princess do you need to do yeah you know my Dad it was all business from there he goes now you got two options first option I come over there I beat the [ __ ] out of you he goes I'd rather go to jail for the rest of my life than you throw him out and me have to listen to his mother's [ __ ] mouth for the rest of my life so either way I'm in prison and the principal says sir would you do that I'm a man of God and my dad goes I lost God September 21st 1979. I was like that was so specific and then I thought back he was in jail then I was like I guess God wasn't in the showers I was like think that's all that can mean it's like yep I was like I have some questions like shut up Christy I was like okay I was like I'll just play then it goes the second option just put my son back in school easy breezy I was like you can't threaten to kill someone and then say easy breezy like what do you and I'm like such like a little girl when he said easy breezy and my head it went beautiful Cover Girl Chrissy that's what I yeah and the principal put me right back into school of course I mean guys threatened to kill him these rhyming [ __ ] psychopath yeah of course I got put right back into High School nobody ever even really found out just got put in and it's like but it's traumatizing I didn't want to do comedy okay I had to do comedy my therapist was like this shit's pretty funny like I know listen it sucks for you and you're like going through a lot but it's really she talked to people about it because yeah yeah so like you know my dad's always been like I'm different than I'm the same some parts are the same but some parts are different like I always knew my dad was involved in some illegal [ __ ] I just always kind of knew like all his friends I would go visit his friends when I was a kid would have a barbecue some [ __ ] like that or go up and his friends always had like a very specific company that they had like it was it was too specific of an item to be a real company I was like I know that this is a front for something else you're laundering money through this I'm aware I'm eight years old but I know you know I'd walk up to be like hey buddy what do you do for a living he's like this kid's asking me a thousand questions I'm like yeah that's my first question you know he goes nah nah why do I do one it would make it up as they go along it's like what do I do no you know what chain link fences you ever seen you know the top part there's that little twisty piece of metal you've seen them right that's what I do yeah it's called the Lombardi's twisty shits that's that's the name of the company so yeah [ __ ] go want to talk to your friends about um you know baseball hats that little top button my company it's called Pasquale top buttons go [ __ ] yourself you know your shoelaces the little plastic at the end just the left side my company yeah when you go write your [ __ ] book report you know but you know I don't know it's kind of just good to see my dad Alder now like 70 something years old he just doesn't care anymore it's good freeing relaxing kind of guy like I went to his house the other day he was open the door tighty whitey underwear [ __ ] stain on the front of his underwear I was like how it would you fart into a hurricane how is how do you have a [ __ ] stain on the front it's your [ __ ] like a [ __ ] half pipe I don't I don't do drugs you do drugs no absolutely not I don't do them to be honest I don't do I did them once I'm not gonna lie to you guys why lie you know we're [ __ ] friends here why lie I did them once I really did I did took an edible yeah took the edible and it's a candy bar and it basically what you're supposed to do you're supposed to take half of a half of a square of the candy bar nobody told me that I have a size 38 waist and they just gave me a candy bar so yeah that's yeah it got deep throated I didn't I just threw it back my dad was like that's gay I was like yeah just ate the whole thing whole just sucked it back because what and then and then well at first it didn't even hit me that was the problem so I took a bite of another one which and then the problem started to happen so it didn't hit me it was in my bloodstream I didn't know I forgot I genuinely forgot I even took this candy bar so we I went to an NHL hockey game okay yeah 18 000 people I'm having a great time all of a sudden the first period buzzer goes off I thought somebody threw a spear from the top of the Arena through the right side of my head and cut off the left side of my body I popped up out of my chair I was like I'm having a stroke I'm having a stroke I'm having a medical emergency and my friends are like you're not having struggles like I'm having a stroke I have to write paraplegic jokes now I'm having a stroke it's over for me and then I just got up I like ran up the stairs I was like carrying the left side of my body they're like you're fine I'm like I have to hold it all right did I have a duffel bag left on my body's gone running around and finally a police officer stops me goes sir are you okay was like no I'm having a medical emergency and he goes no you're not I was like yes I am he was like sir are you on drugs I was like no he was like I'm gonna ask you one more time are you on drugs I was like yes he started laughing so hard I thought he was going to shoot his gun in the air I genuinely thought he's just gonna start firing he was killed over dying laughing he was like you're such a [ __ ] can't even arrest you that's what he told me that's it though he's like I'm not even gonna [ __ ] arrest you because you're so it'd be embarrassing to me as a law officer to arrest you and I was like well why privilege no um that was a joke maybe it's true but it was a joke no no but he didn't arrest me because he was just and then I just I went I just ran I remember running I ran I got out he told me to get in a cab I was like okay so I get in the cab um I live on 95th Street I got out at 65th Street because you know it was like 10 degrees out I asked the cab driver to open up all the windows and the sunroof he was freezing I was like he needs to I was like I'm having a stroke I heard that cool air calms you down and reverses the stroke I ran I mean I ran to my house where my daughter was I ran I opened the door I was like I need to talk to the baby stuffed animals and then I spoke to Piggy and piggy was like go take a shower your shoes on that's what you need to do and go take a shower never want to take an edible again but I also would take an edible again like if you were like Duke you want to do an edible and go hang some lights I'll [ __ ] do it you know you want to do that [ __ ] yeah but you don't do drugs yeah you shouldn't don't do it man it was bad it was like a bad but what I mean I don't know do what you want I guess in a way I don't know your parents together they are wow look at [ __ ] hat that's rare now my parents are divorced my parents got my daughter's gonna grow up in the world where most people are divorced if she comes home and like Johnny's parents are married I'm like baby stay the [ __ ] away from Johnny and his cult parents I mean what are they Amish yeah parents divorced my mom's dating again that's nice you know I'm 33 years old I want to I want my mom to be happy I like her new boyfriend he's a nice guy he told me recently that he has polio and that took a minute I was like what do you mean you you had Polio or you have polio he goes no I have polio I'm like would you have sex with a ghost it's [ __ ] what is this 1927. how the hell did you get polio I got vaccinated 47 times by the time I was three for polio now you're limping around the living room dripping polio on everything it's like I already have an anxiety condition I can't worry about if my polio vaccine still [ __ ] works and his name is Phineas that's his actual real deal birthday Phineas I'm like Mom what did you mean a guy named Phineas with polio were you at a Civil War reenactment like look at him with the musket oh what's that a bayonet all right put me in a corset I'll pass out you know we went out for breakfast I did bacon and eggs normal person this Century he has for porridge I was like it's oatmeal dick face to you the waitress doesn't have a feather tip pen to take your [ __ ] porridge order what a diner in New Jersey like what but who's the victim you know I think about who's it's not me it's not my mom you know Phineas has been through enough that's hard 2018 polio you know it's it's my father right how pissed would you be if your wife left you for a guy with polio could you imagine [ __ ] my it's my dad's a prideful dude very prideful like you know and he asked about my mom sometimes like how's your mother not that I give a [ __ ] but does she talk about me I'm like she's got a new boyfriend now the guy is polio it's like whatever mother's new boyfriend is polio interesting tell your mother my new girlfriend has scurvy all right and Ricketts freaking whooping cough dysentery I'm actually I'm banging a T-Rex father so with bubonic plague I was like I tell the real reason my dad five foot six 385 pounds yeah that's a good laugh thank you that was uh yeah it's crazy right he thinks it looks good he's like he's not good you think 385 looks good I'm like yeah if you're a baby rhino okay you have type 12 diabetes just doesn't get it the other day his blood sugar is never supposed to go above 100 he calls me the other day he's like my blood sugar is 850. is that too much or is there like a range I feel good except my feet fell off the only thing I got got no feet but I figured I'd [ __ ] Peg Leg like a pirate maybe mother's into that no all right I'm losing consciousness I knew dude you guys are together that's a beautiful thing I'm happy that you guys are together you know I'm not with my um daughter's mom anymore but that's all right you know co-parenting it's good I'm happy honestly I'm happy it's it's not we we you know we love our child I'm happy I want to pay four thousand dollars a month um she needs it for the child you know diapers aren't made of [ __ ] diamonds yeah so I want to give it to her because my daughter yeah she needs she needs Yeezy diapers so four thousand dollars a month yeah you know I live out of the back of my uh Corolla but that's fine you know that's fine you could build me a house maybe but it's like you know shit's always my fault no matter what it's my fault always and like my daughter she swallowed a magnet last week okay kids my kids nuts well in a magnet and uh her mother calls me she's like you got to come to the ER your daughter just swallowed a magnet I was like I'm drunk right now oh I was like it's my night off I have like that was too much like I have like you know 20 beers or something like that I went nuts and I was really drunk like I tried to sober up but I was hammered like where I couldn't even feel my limbs you ever do that with like the right arms the left arm you're just a torso and whatever it just felt like a torso just like wading through I was like oh boy then I get to the I get to the hospital and she's like are you drunk right now um right now do you ever think maybe you're doing right now she goes I can't believe you're drunk right now I'm like I didn't know you're gonna feed our daughter pieces to the refrigerator okay I mean I thought you're gonna give her macaroni and cheese not what is it [ __ ] X-Men night it was my fault she was mad at me and it's like I'm the one that had to do the Dirty Work I Look to her poop for the next three days I search it like border patrol and I found that [ __ ] magnet cleaned it off threw it back at her mom I was like here missing something no I didn't throw it back at her she just wears like big hoop earrings so I went to like this is the magnet you hit her in the hit her in the earring I got her a new earring though she was like you broke my shirt oh Miami with her name in the middle it's true but it's okay it's not I mean it's a stereotype but it's like it's truly her you know but she's like why you lie about me I'm like it says Carmen in your earrings it's not Carmen it's Carmen I'm like okay all right who the [ __ ] is Carmen it's great it was great being in a relationship with her but I didn't know like Latino women like I didn't know that like you're under investigation like it's just when you date a Puerto Rican girl you need to have the answers quick you need to like have facts right away because they won't interrogate you and if you don't have the answers quick you look like a liar and they watch men they are designed to watch men watching waiting that's what they do they make excellent NFL referees I think if you had Puerto Rican girls rapping the games you'd have zero missed calls the whole season because they see everything so that's just what then could you imagine they were the refs they would be right there like um you out of bound stupid no no yeah I mean for real you're out of bounds I don't need insta replay I I instantly saw you step out of bound so no I mean I don't even know the rules just go home bye you out the game but they're like bipolar too like number 42 you're out the game but you killed though no like the pumpy and honest with you you cute I'll go home go be with the cheerleaders telling you I says FBI is always complaining about how they can't keep track of Isis they're like we don't have enough manpower I'm like yeah you do just have Puerto Rican girls start going undercover and dating suspected members of Isis you'll know where they are 24 7 365. you'll never lose could because he doesn't know that she knows that's the thing you never know that you're being watched you just think you can get away with anything like you know he would think he would go to the Middle East or something go get radicalized you go to open up a suitcase she'd pop out of the suitcase and be like oh hello Muhammad what did you forget foreign what are you doing building a bomb first of all this ass is the bomb so like that's what I feel disrespected because you don't see that you got bombs right here but that's what oh you want the turbine I bought you that's nice listen it was you know it was great but it's just after a while it's like Jesus always like I'm a comic travel you know go on the road I would you know come home be all excited to see everybody and she would take the brush out of my bag first to brush out of my bag I looked through every bristle for hairs as if I'm having sex with girls and then asking them to comb their hair I mean kind of [ __ ] psycho my Buffalo Bill Silence of the Lambs it lights it when you comb the house you know try to have a conversation with my dad about that I'm like what am I supposed to do dad now she's taking the brush out of my back he goes you over brush you homo geez brushes and yogurts you're a bottom I was like power bottom because that's what I loved I swear I [ __ ] love about this city man Brooklyn's great get all different kinds of people it's beautiful you know the part of Brooklyn I'm from like nobody really even travels like nobody gets off the block you know they're like oh Chris made it to the intersection yeah but I travel I got to see stuff with this job you get to go see stuff but like and things like I don't know a lot like I kind of know a lot but we don't learn as much as we should like news doesn't get to Brooklyn sometimes like I went to England and I was like oh this will be great this is where they invented English I'll speak the language uh you know I know the language and it'll be easy but wrong different words mean different things nobody told me that like last name is not last name when you get there they switch it surname I didn't know that I get to the UK border they're like what's your surname I was like uh so Christopher this afternoon [Applause] [Music] Brooklyn night you know who the [ __ ] I am give me all your finest meats and cheeses thank you that's what they do they change the th2 and F and then you're British thank you thank you brilliant they love that word over there oh it's brilliant this is brilliant it's brilliant that's a high honor of a word in the U.S you can't just run around and say [ __ ] I do is brilliant you know I'll get emotional but over there oh look at that homeless guy look at him petting a dead ferret isn't that brilliant I was like isn't that heroin I mean like he's on crystal meth I mean he's petting a dead animal legit in public let's pick a new word and regroup I mean it's the opposite because they're smart people but like this is not you know they don't call liquor liquor they're calling it Spirits nobody told me that my friend was like hey you want to cover my place come on we have loads of spirits it's like yeah I'm not going to your haunted [ __ ] house all right all right Nigel no thank you let's just eat a fig newton yeah there are straps see [ __ ] you know I went to uh Canada too I'm I'm Patriot dude I believe red white and blue it's like when I go to other countries I don't want to do their things but Canada was pushy they're like come on you got to have a ginger ale have a Canada Dry Ginger Ale I said no thank you Schweppes all day [ __ ] Okay that's what I do [ __ ] has came to Pittsburgh Canada was interesting I was in Edmonton Canada and they have the biggest population of Somalian people outside of Somalia live in Edmonton Canada that's a fact and then I went to their mall and in the middle of their mall they have this huge pirate ship Mike how do you have the Somalians and then you have the pirate ship don't get mad one of them jumps on the ship it goes look at me I'm your captain now and then raids the h m there was a lot of steps to that joke okay I did yeah I mean I'm trying to [ __ ] tie in somaliads Captain Phillips reference you didn't thought I said salami you were like what like I could go for some for you good extra laugh I appreciate that thank you you're like I want to get this laugh on camera Norway I went to Norway that was nuts [ __ ] was blowing my mind to Norway that really shouldn't blow my mind like I should know no but it was I was sitting in a restaurant waiter comes over he's like oh would you like reindeer me I was like reindeer that's a real animal what do you mean reindeer you have reindeer flying around yes I would yeah can I have dragon soup too yeah I want to eat [ __ ] Narnia yeah let's do it fart pixie dust sure I'll do it sir yeah then he got an attitude with me this guy can you believe I swear it's right in front he goes yeah stupid American was like Sven listen watch your mouth okay you're from Norway I'm from America just understand we're the back-to-back World War Champs don't forget that [ __ ] okay just don't forget don't forget yeah I'll take the reindeer and fly them home we're there free okay I'll make the reindeers great again you want to do a little fist pump at that but I know you're gonna be like nah I'm in the wrong spot guys whatever should you know we're in everything's history and then we'll go history history or part of history history it's a lie though like I went to um President George Washington's house first president United States father of Freedom that's what they call them the father of Freedom they went to his house they show you all over father Freedom's living room here's the father of Freedom's kitchen and then like this is the father of Freedom slave barracks they're like Father Freedom had slaves I would have never voted for him about that life Benjamin Franklin that's who the first President should have been no slaves it was against it yep just syphilis that's what he had that was yeah he was like I don't enslave people I enslaved that [ __ ] yeah just [ __ ] man's man somebody hitting the Skins all up and down the 13 colonies yeah that's why his face is on the hundred dollar bill there was no debate about that they're like he gets the hundo for getting the punani in the name of America you earned it [Applause] who's the smartest man in America had to offer could have easily invented a condom he said no thank you Benny Frank keeps it wet how's your girl Blair [Music] you got chapstick you good get it on good beer dude it's a good beer are you a barista why do you look like that then you have Barista face no but it's fine though but you work in uh what do you work at the Apple Store what do you work in Tech yeah yeah that's Tech face yeah you're a good you live in the new Brooklyn you don't why do you have a ponytail are you in a band why the [ __ ] do you look like that then I don't understand what do you do you work at a flea market startup yo start up right start up yeah all right where's the where's the best acai Bowl place yeah yeah you know yeah yeah okay you're a good kid I like you guys are together oh okay you want to be you know you don't no I'm Sorry by the way I called you dude in the beginning I did not mean to assume your gender I apologize I apologize because I know I did not I apologize for using if I use the wrong pronoun to offend you my bad throw down I would love somebody to say that to my dad use the wrong pronoun but what's your pronoun what's that like a noun in the NBA I don't remember the pronoun is That's crazy dude I knew I knew it listen we live in a good I knew straight white guys were going down I knew it about three four years ago I said uh oh time's up that's that's when I started using times up I know that's why I have a Puerto Rican daughter I Did It For My Career oh yeah anytime anybody's like what do you have to say straight white male piece of [ __ ] I'm like have you met Julissa all right guys have a nice night thank you very much it was fun it was fun yes thank you guys I'll see you I'll see you outside [ __ ] see you outside thank you guys enjoy yourself thank you thank you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 868,559

Keywords: Chris Distefano: Size 38 Waist - Full Special, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, special, best comedy, best stand up, best comedians, funny, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, Chris DiStefano, Chris DiStefano Comedy, Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, nephew, uncle, Peanut Allergies, Scooter, New York, White People, Brooklyn, Hipsters, Size 38 Waist, Dads, Puerto Rican Women, nfl, nfl referees, dating, relationships, divorce, child of divorce, anxiety

Id: 6rAGt1UD0wo

Length: 53min 34sec (3214 seconds)

Published: Sun May 28 2023