Sam Morril: I Got This - Full Special [2020]

[Applause] oh [ __ ] thank you for uh coming out in horrible weather for this I appreciate it it's a good time to be alive great time to be a man right the bar is it's nice and low it's nice I was with a girl the other night she said I don't think we should have sex I was like oh that's cool and then she goes wow you're a great guy I was like that's all it takes I'm pretty sure the alter ative is a felony I don't know if I'm a great guy but I'll take it I had a I had a good mom growing up you know ever since I was a little kid my mom would say no means no and she was talking about cookies but I put it together you know I uh I met a girl after a show in Florida I'm not bragging but I I do pretty well in Tampa [Music] and she said I'll drive you back to your hotel but there's no way that I'm coming upstairs I said whatever you want to do is fine with me so when the parking lot when making out she said all right I'll come upstairs but there is no way that you're getting laid and I was like am I being recorded right now this feels like a me too sting operation so very loudly into her chest I said that's totally cool this is samarel March 22nd 2018 time stamp no I like consent consent is consent is the [ __ ] consent that's the best part of the consent sometimes I get the consent and then I just I go home and I jack off instead get a good eight hours of sleep and my friends asked did you get laid last night I said no but I got the consent so you know pretty cool no I take uh I take the me tooo movement very seriously you know I won't even watch office porn anymore that's how yeah you can laugh it's a nice gesture it is you know I I used to like office porn but now I see it and I'm like he should not have done that there should be a guy that comes on at the end like yeah he doesn't work here anymore that was that was crazy there was uh there was this gay porn star I was reading about this guy that's how I know this and he uh I I do a lot of reading and he got uh banned from all these porn sits cuz he has Nazi tattoos on his chest which you got to be kind of a scumbag for porn sits to be like this doesn't really align with our values we're kind of a family here at gang fuck. net and we're disappointed it was hard to me to come out tonight you know well it's not the weather it's uh my neighbors are breaking up and I didn't want to miss it you know it's uh it sounds very painful for them so I don't feel feel good about it but have you ever heard a relationship unravel from the comfort of your own couch it's kind of nice I'll be watching the game and I hear the fight start and I have to hit mute so I can listen I was watching tennis and I just overheard it go oh yeah and I was like click she just yells out you have a tiny dick and I was like cancel my plans this is more important and then he goes oh yeah yeah you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] and I was like all right so far she's winning for sure you know not even close and then she goes oh yeah your dick is so small so she's recycling material but um still a devastating blow you know not easy to come back from and then he yells out oh yeah well your [ __ ] stinks and I was like all right we got a match on our hand and it's going back and forth so much it almost starts to sink up with a tennis match where it's like tiny day stinky [ __ ] tiny day stinky [ __ ] so finally at to knock on the door I said hey it's Sam from across the hall uh long time listener first time knocker you guys you guys are killing it I wore a little referee shirt I said both you should drop your pants I'll settle this [ __ ] right now you breakups man they're painful right they don't feel good I got a text from my ex not too long ago she just said just out of the blue she wrote just so you know I'm seeing this new guy and I wrote back oh wow okay and then she wrote what you didn't think I was ever going to date ever again and I said no I didn't remember signing up for the push notifications you know I I'd like to hear less from you and the Huff Poe if possible but neither of you will leave me be you know the problem is we sex ed when we're kids but we need relationship Ed that's where you need the help I don't need help with how to put a condom on I need help with what to do when she starts packing her [ __ ] that's where I need the guidance she's like I don't love you anymore and I'm like cool coach Mitchell did not cover this part but I could show you where the [ __ ] is she's like now's not a good time like keep me posted I wore a condom every time you have to it's not fun but you got to do it it's like doing volunteer work cuz during I'm like this kind of sucks but then afterwards I'm always thinking good for me yeah I do it for the kids that's why you know got to wear a condom it's not the best but you know Lambs can anyone do a lamb skin condom yeah you do it what do you think you like it it's so much better it is yeah no one else just me and her we're the only shepherds in the house tonight what happen right it is good right it feels better here's how you do it if you don't know you [ __ ] lamb skin and then you eat a gyro and then um and then you go out in a wool sweater you got to use the entire animal that's how you do it but I feel bad in relationships cuz I'm very disappointing you know I really am I think I think women are like he's a comic he'll be fun I'm fun there's other stuff I'm like the Dominican Republic you know I'm great for like 5 days and then then you're like oh this has some problems I was not aware of I'm not Haiti but I'm in the vicinity of what that is weird time and I feel for you women look the me too stuff I get it it's it's a weird it's a very emotional issue it's also a very important issue it's a weird combo though you know sometimes we'll see posted as a man it doesn't fully resonate I saw a post the other day it said there's nothing more feared than an intelligent woman I was like that's not true it's not even in my top five and I frighten easily but I've never been on the subway at 2:00 in the morning and been like oh no this looks like a pack of alct torans right here I hope they're not soon a come loud eh so much has changed it's kind of crazy you think about like I think about some of these movies from the 80s these sex comedies like porkys Revenge of the Nerds I love those movies they always had that scummy best friend you know the guy I'm talking about he'd always ask questions like did you get laid last night and he said no it'd be like this guy blew it I miss that character cuz it's going to be extinct they're going to remake these movies they're going to have to write in a woke best friend some guy like did you smash last night nah we just talked and he's like well sometimes a conversation is equally fulfilling so that's that's kind of cool A lot's changed some of it's for the better obviously I remember like in college not that long ago they would say things like don't go to that frat house say rofy that's an that's a thing they would say out loud and be like oh my God should we do something they're like no just don't go there that's it I got ruied at a party in college by accident but you know it still counts it's uh obviously was an accident no one at the party was like I'm going to rofy that hairy boy over there let me let me [ __ ] a past that werewolf night that is male privilege right there isn't I just told a room full of people I got roofied I did not see one concerned face in here everyone in here is like I assume things worked out for you and they did still weird though here's what happened I was at a party and this guy handed a girl a drink and she said I'm too drunk and I said I'll drink it and he gave me this hateful look and I thought why is this guy so mad at me and then I chugged it and I woke up the next morning and I was like oh that guy's a sexual predator and my friend said you ruined his night and I was like that's not how I want to think about it you don't you don't want to think of yourself as a [ __ ] block to some monster I prefer to think of myself as an accidental hero I have uh negative one rapes so you know statistically you know I can't you guys I can't take all the credit you know it's kind of like if I was driving drunk and I just swerved and accidentally hit a Mugger and some woman is like my hero and I'm like if you say so but I I might have a substance abuse problem so it's hard not to drink man it's very hard I work in a place where there's a bar every night I've been trying to be good it's very difficult I read this article it said uh try to replace drinking with another activity like tennis with a friend I was like yeah that's a very help full example that's always the crossroads I find myself at at uh 4:57 a.m. I can't tell you how often I'm coming out of a black out like [ __ ] I should have done doubles instead that's I brought my Wilson Racket and everything that's you're tell me to replace an addiction with cardio that's very helpful I'm going to I'm going to start walking in the halfway houses full of crackheads like have you guys done Zumba it's so much better than crack they're like thanks we didn't know that was helpful of course you want to get [ __ ] up have you have you have you tried living I'm happy and I want to get [ __ ] up have you watched the news it makes you want to drink another mass shooting after another mass shooting it's always the same thing too it's always some guy who's like I heard voices in my head we all do everyone hears voices in their head good people just don't listen to them if I listen to all the voices in my head I would be sometimes Gay Street Fighter so I know it's it sounds like a confusing video game it's not you know why is he Honda butt [ __ ] me well that's his finisher every Mass shooter it was a very quiet man that should be part of the background check for guns right you want this gun you better be [ __ ] chatty do my podcast we'll see if you're an extrovert I don't trust it it's a sad time to live in with all these there's school shootings now it's horrible CU now getting held back is a real threat yeah do you want to go to summer school please I've already done two tours of freshman year I don't want to some of these jokes the content you're not going to like but structurally they're going to be really solid so that's that helps it does help with it look the uh these shootings are so senseless and horrible that sometimes these anchors try to make sense of them on the news and they try to sound profound it just comes out wrong I was watching this guy after a shooting and he said now would be a good time to be around people I was like yeah that sounds a lot like where the tragedy happened so uh I'm going to stay at home alone and if I die it's going to be from autoerotic asphixiation okay on my terms that's a better way to that's how I want to go peacefully in my own hotel closet that's a weird fetish right autoerotic asphixiation you got to choke yourself to come I don't know how do you even find out you're into that are you just jerking off in a turtleneck and you're like I like where this is going a little more press I was just in California they have a 10-day wait for the guns that's that's a good rule a gun should never be an Impulse by you should never be returning a gun like we made up so you know what's weird they always bring up the founding fathers every gun debate they bring up the founding fathers right they always say the founding fathers had guns they did they also had wigs it was a it was a long time ago that's how long ago it was they thought a powdered wig was a good look so that's my stance on guns you could have a gun but I think you should have to wear the wig right cuz at least then at least then I can tell who's dangerous from afar if I'm trying to get in my apartment at 2: a.m. and I turn around and see a Ben Franklin Looking [Music] [ __ ] I just hope that's not an intelligent woman honestly but you know yeah yeah if you're going to go in the hood it's going to look like the cast of Hamilton but they always bring up the founding fathers they never mentioned the fact these people had a life expectancy of the mid-30s so it probably wasn't a big deal when they got shot I would assume most funerals were like look he had three to 5 years left top so that's like getting shot now in your 80s which would almost be kind of cool how would you rather die connected to tubes for 3 months would you rather go out like a g I want to die my ' 80s in a gang related incident I want my obituary to say comedian samarel was shot dead today at the age of 87 his last words thug life as he emptied the [Applause] CLP there's so much to be scared of too isn't there incels there new words you have to learn incels the involuntary celibates they don't get laid so they become terrorists and they look a lot like me it's very upsetting but that's a certain type of person cuz I have married friends that don't get laid they haven't made the jump to uh to Isis but maybe they should Isis lacks that type of diversity they don't have enough divorce men just a bunch of dudes death to the infidels a one guy like also Karen I mean we got a we got to kill Karen too right you ever read The Botch terrorist missions those are my favorites the ones who couldn't cut it there were these guys around 9/11 they were getting two drunk at strip clubs in Florida I love the fact that you come to this country hating us and then you go to a few strip clubs and you're like they're not that bad it turned out to be a false report though because it said they were going to strip clubs and dive bars and even college parties I was like oh man that's such a bummer cuz that's where you want to meet a terrorist like a mixer they're like we used to be Al-Qaeda now we're Sigma Kai so the objective is still vergins but you know I think about it all the time I think about you know all these scary ways you could die traveling I I've read this story about a depressed pilot who knows DOA plane and killed all these people on board so you know that's that's got to be a bummer you know what the first thing I say when I get on flights now is I say what a lovely day it is to be alive and I just I hope that positive energy trickles its way into the cockpit and they're like yeah it is good cuz I'll be on flight sometime and the pilot comes on he's cheesy and people roll their eyes but that's what you want that guy's still trying what do you want a down in the dumps Captain hey this is your pilot it's going to be a bumpy ride but you know that's life it's hard so uh says it's going to be a 6-hour trip we're going to land way sooner than that so uh buckle up or don't it doesn't matter I'm going to I'm going to murder you thanks for flying spirit depression man the depression is real it really is i i i someone sent me a very helpful article on depression recently it said uh it said these are the foods you got to eat if you're depressed which thank God that's if you're at that point just end it honestly is that has that ever turned it around for anyone I was going to jump off a roof but then I ate some dried mangoes and I'm feeling good they find your corpse on the sidewalk I don't understand he ate so many cashews why would you I'm not built for air travel I'm 63 I'm lanky I'm kind of weak you know I got a middle seat on my way back from La recently I get up to use the bathroom I come back the guy in the aisle is sleeping which is very annoying cuz you knew I was coming back there's no skydiving option on board okay I had to return and now I have to make the decision do I wake him up and piss him off or do I mount I think I'm more flexible than I am so I elected to mount and I have just horrible lateral balance I did not stick The Landing my leg comes down on his leg I'm on top of the guy as I'm on top I see his little sleeping mask come up what do you do you know I kissed him on the mouth that's what I did but you know there was nothing sexual about it it was a Godfather 2 Fredo kiss I said I knew it was you mostly cuz you were sitting here before but no I'm not I'm not built for this travel type lifestyle it's not working for me I had to see a sports medicine doctor about my back and he gave me muscle relaxers I said hey can I drink on these and he said absolutely I was like are you sure and he said I do and I was like that wasn't the question I said are you sure it's not going to mess my liver up he said it'll [ __ ] it up real bad I like all right he's not my doctor anymore but we do hang out he's cool this guy text me all the time he text me the other day yo what the [ __ ] is up and I was like what medical school did you go to I'm going to guess the Cayman Islands you know he tells me to swim at the rec center cuz of my back I love it I love the rec center I don't know if you've ever been there as a Jew it's fantastic it's just old Jews and Japanese men if you had it bad during World War II this is your spot okay fantastic every time I go swimming there's a morbidly obese woman on a noodle she's just floating horizontally across the lap lanes and we just swim around Her Like She's Not There part of the rec center code and I can tell when there's a new guy cuz he looks confused and I say that's Kathy I go right you go left we developed the system then on the wall it says rule number one no swimming with diarrhea which I'm like all right I agree I kind of wish it weren't rule number one one I don't know who that rule is for the most motivated human who's ever lived some guy at home like G I'm still going but rule number two must wait two weeks after having diarrhea to swim in the pool and I was like all right right out of the gate mostly diarrhea related rules you know clearly there's an incident that we're dancing around here you know you didn't pick a First Rate exercise facility when all the rules are like could you not [ __ ] on our stuff it's been a [Music] problem I love this place everything about it off I went to the bathroom I knock on the door and the guy in the bathroom yells out who is it that's not what you're supposed to say you're supposed to say I'm in here you're not supposed to be expecting company in the men's recck room bathroom but I figured I'd give it a shot so I said it's Sam and he goes no there was the right [Applause] answer you're going to hate this next show but I'm going to do it anyway this is how bad my back was I read a headline in the paper that said Graveyard worker had sex with over a hundred dead bodies and my first thought was that does a lot of digging you know I know that's a horrible person but that's also an unattainable Fitness goal for me and I would I would kill for that core strength how much True Crime is there going to be are you guys watching this like me it's so addictive yeah give it up for all these murderers for all this great content you you keep killing we'll keep watching that's what I say I don't want to point fingers here but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate I don't know if you're paying attention I would recommend never going home with us ever if a woman goes home with you she really trusts you or she's taking a chance you know so whenever I open the door I always turn to her and I say hey thanks for rolling the dice you know I appreciate it that's all I watch is is murder and stand up I've been doing this for a while I see comic sometimes on Netflix I'm like this guy [ __ ] stinks I wonder if murderers watch True Crime like this is pretty disappointing hly three murders in 5 years I should be the one on television we all do it we're getting desensitized you ever just watch four straight episodes of Law and Order SVU and it hits you you're like that was probably too much rape for a Sunday I don't know I'm not even paying attention I'm folding laundry and I'm thinking when did this become background noise in my life I should not be consuming SVU like it's smooth jazz you know the darkest plots you've ever seen I'm watching One the mom's pushing her baby in the stroller she turns around for a second then turns back around the baby's gone that's not even bad parenting that's incredibly efficient kidnapping by the way you got to give credit what credits do cuz she was crying I'm a horrible mother and I was like no you ran into one of the greats that was that was like the Steph Curry of abduction that was pretty Flawless see it on these dating sites too I read this article it said that you got to be careful on dating apps now because there these gangs all post pictures of really hot women and then you show up on the date and they just Rob and beat the [ __ ] out of you that's got to be a bummer cuz it already sucks when it doesn't look like the picture that's going to suck actually you show up for your date at 2: a.m. at the bridge and uh eight dudes are walking toward you and you're like Kathleen I was in Uber right after breakup you ever just overshare with the driver he said how are you I said I had this breakup he said let me tell you some [ __ ] about breakups and the second he said that I thought I might have [ __ ] up you said you know what I did when my girlfriend left and I said what he's like I [ __ ] everyone you think that heal and I said no and he said it did all right he said you know what else I did I called her up I told her all about it you think that heal and I said God no and he said I did and I said I'm going to stop guessing cuz you're very unpredictable went on for 20 more minutes I finally got the car I was like do you think that was helpful for me at all and he said probably not and I said it was one of the hard things about dating now is uh a lot of younger people are meaner they're very mean that's how they flirt I think it's called negging I was talking to go after a show my poster was up and she goes why you look really ugly in that picture I said oh that's not very nice and she goes you're a ComEd Ian I said yeah I'm also a human being so I enjoy Pleasant conversations as well and I was wearing a striped sweater so she goes nice sweater did you wear it on purpose or did you escape a prison she said prison which kind of bugged me I was like I feel like you don't know a lot about prison I said I'd like to escape this conversation she said that's all you got and I said I have to be meaner to you to communicate she said Hit Me With Your Best Shot Mr comedian I said rather not she said come on so I said all right you're very pretty and I'm very lonely and I would still rather masturbate than pursue this um yeah so we're back at my place and you know yeah it works negging works I'll tell you it really does I was making out with her and it hit me I don't even like this person I'm thinking what am I doing I'm making out with her I said maybe maybe we should stop and she goes what you're rejecting me and I said I don't think there's a good idea and she said I'm really turned on now you're saying no to me and I said you seem like a pretty unhealthy person she said no one's ever rejected me this is the most turned on I've ever been I said well then you're going to be super hot for this Uber I just called you okay hopefully get the guy I got he loves to [ __ ] I went on a date with a girl she told me your last boyfriend was 60 which I thought was kind of shocking I said that's a pretty big age Gap she let me tell you something there difference between a 30-year-old dick and a 60-year-old dick and I said I haven't done the research but I feel like there is I'm going to go with temperament I think that's the difference a young dick is like an intern up at the crack of dawn overeager down for whatever an old Dick is like a CEO he's like this better be important okay I don't have a lot of time so we're on the date we're making out in the bar she starts going underneath my pant she just looks me dead in the eye and goes why aren't you a wed I was like a wct what are you a Transformer who talks like that I'll tell you why cuz we're kissing I'm not 14 have you seen the [ __ ] that's out there you want to get me hard tell me you're a dental assistant your husband's coming home in 5 minutes I'm we'll talk you know I watch too much porn so I do it's it's I'm aware of it you notice that while you're having sex sometimes cuz we were having sex and it was good and while we were doing it I just said I will eat your butt and she said you don't have to do that and I was like thank you I overextended myself thanks for uh catching that one in realness back in you know his porn is just not good it's all these dark topics I saw a taboo link on a porn site so I clicked on it and it was incest porn I was like all right you call my bluff that is taboo you know then the next one was inter it was interracial and I was like they should divide these up a little better I don't know what kind of racist porn site every porn category is just [ __ ] you should never do right like [ __ ] your best friend's mom it's rude blackmail your boss it's a place of business it's criminal you know we need some positive porn categories to rewire us we need categories like um couple that's been together for a while [ __ ] after autism benefit he be like all right well I'm not glad I jerked off at 2 p.m. but they raised a lot of money for those those kids yeah instead of the money shots just a link that says donate now this side of the room is really [ __ ] into that joke huh and this side of the room is Christian they were raised well I don't know man I just uh I'm happy I'm doing this in New York you know cuz I'm I've been on the road a lot no I'm not I'm not Pander so no I'm I'm useless on the on the road I can't drive I can drive but if you were in a car with me you'd be like pull over I'm going to drive this is it's not good I'm bad and Reckless that's a bad combo you ever get cut off by a reckless driver then you catch up with them you got to see what they look like it doesn't matter what race or gender every time I see what they look like I'm always like I [ __ ] knew it could just be a white guy my Classic this is a classic white [ __ ] takes what he wants contributes nothing to society I'm only going to do the example for white people but you know you know don't want you to get uneasy I heard a guy yell at a cab driver the other day he said learn the goddamn language was that messed up right and guess what it's sometimes nice when they don't know the language right you ever call a car to the airport at 5 a. and you get a little Korean guy like oh this might be a nice quiet ride then you get in the highway and he's like weather's weird you're like [Music] [ __ ] this jack off learned the language I'm a Yellow Cab man I don't like lift or Uber I don't I'm not my thing you know why cuz you rate them they rate you you're both on your best behavior it feels like a first date even the way they pick you up feels like a blind date right they're like are you Sam and I'm like yes I like a yellow cap it feels like a marriage neither of you are trying at all the second you get in he's mid-con conversation on speaker phone I'm in the backseat eating cariban street food we're both hammered you know no one's putting on airs you ask him hey can you drop me right in front of my apartment he's like nah I respect that good for you holding your ground there I did nothing all day man I did nothing I watched the news I saw an anti-smoking ad it's weird that they can do anti-smoking ads but you can't do pro cigarette commercials isn't that weird they don't give them a rebuttal and I'm not like a big cigarette guy but I like one when I'm drunk sometimes it's nice I thought of a good Pro cigarette commercial how about this for like a casual smoker a hot girl walks up to a guy in the bar and ask to bum a cigarette and he goes oh I don't smoke so then she goes outside and bums one from another guy and they go home together and they [ __ ] and that's the whole commercial then at the end it just says wouldn't kill you to carry a pack you know Mal just in case all right I got some momentum let's break out the abortion jokes so if there was ever a Time my friend just had one her boyfriend didn't contribute to the cost which I thought was not cool you know she's going through yeah that's not a very Noble stance I don't think that is how low the bar is I'm like guy should pay a little bit for the abortion of women are like he's a hero he really is no even the most pro- lifee person I talked to was like Wow chivalry is dead that was the baby's name chivalry and you know dead I'm just saying that one that one's not for everybody that you did that joke the other night and someone yelled out boo I thought it was a baby's ghost but you know I'm just I'm just saying there's still gentlemen if I knock you up and you need an abortion it's on the house I'll throw my Delta Sky Miles Card right on the counter are you sure Sam I got this with all the rewards and benefits the Delta has to offer I'd be a fool to do otherwise I'm two to three abortions away from Diamond Medallion status so I'm losing some of you I'm going to take it a step further here I think I think you should get extra Sky miles points with an abortion CU that's one less crime baby on board you know that's yeah I don't me personally I don't like doing that part of the joke but I have a sponsorship deal with Delta and you know it's they get very upset when I leave it out they dock me Biscoff cookies love those cookies I was talking to a guy after a show he told me there's going to be an anti-abortion parade which I think he meant to say March you know I don't think there's going to be a parade but if there is I'll be there I want to see what the floats look like that one looks unfinished that's what we're going for so yeah backto back abortion jokes I got greedy guys I did I got a little greedy I'm a pretty liberal guy but some of my friends now are so liberal that everything it turns into like slavery or the Holocaust in every conversation you know what I'm talking about I was talking to my friend the other day and he goes Trump is Hitler I said all right look we don't know how hilarious Hitler would have been on social media that's not fair Hitler might have had a strong Twitter presence trapped in Bunker sad adol's trending I came across this article the other day on the internet just said fun facts about Hitler which I think is a great title I've always said there aren't enough upbeat pieces on the fur fun fact about Hitler didn't pay income tax was very bad at managing his money and I thought man it's too bad there wasn't a group of people that could have helped you know that's je so that's you know that joke did not hit Naples Florida okay terrible people my least favorite City I'll never go back I bombed four straight nights I got to an argument with an 80s something year old man I had a breakdown on the last show I finally just said I got to get out of Naples he goes well you're still here I said I'll be out in the morning you'll be in the casket soon and he said you'll have to put me there and I said that's not how time works and it kept escalating back and forth finally I hear a voice in the crowd yell out Grandpa enough that's Naples to me my dad called me to check in he said how are you I said I'm in [ __ ] Naples and my dad goes Italy and I was like oh no these jokes are not taking me abroad pops I'm in Florida the bad part true story I'm on stage there I just out I just as a start to a bit I go so I'm a New York Jew and some of the cowd goes GH no not a yes or no question it's my Heritage also GH that's our sound that's cultural appropriation [Applause] okay not all gigs are this fun man my I think my mom worries about my career choice sometimes sometimes it'll be a bad gig I do casinos sometimes are the worst gigs ever you know they pay pretty well but they're Soul crushing you're just watching people stand up one by one and exit throughout the show some by scooter it's very jarring but uh and the casino is not even mad because they want these people pissing away their money on the gambling floor you know so I go to apologize to management they're like no you're doing a great job you should bust out the abortion jokes earlier tomorrow night cuz those went horribly but I think she worries my mom worries a lot I was with her the other day on the street we saw a dead bird and I said ew dead pigeon my mom goes don't touch it I was like what do you think happens when you're not around you think I'm just walking around let me grab this [ __ ] right here hell yeah lunch [Applause] me I don't blame my mom for work and you know I I still get in trouble I I got assaulted in Burlington Vermont earlier this year which is not where you think it's going to happen a lot of open toad sandals everyone's High I thought it was safe honestly but they seem like nice people Bernie even seems like a nice guy I like Bernie Sanders you know why cuz he debates the way I've argued with every woman in every relationship I know I don't have a chance I just want to get my ideas out there you [Music] know so I'm in Vermont and I'm out after the show I'm having a couple beers with some Comics we a bar two blocks from the venue some guy walks up to me I can tell something's off about him and he just looks at me and he goes University of Vermont and I said no and he goes master's degree and I said you're getting colder and he said I want to beat the [ __ ] out of all of you but he's only looking at me yeah and I looked him up and down I was like ah he's bluffing so I turn around as I turn around he grabs by the shoulder takes a pint glass and smashes it over my head and I thought I poorly read that situation he he was not bluffing so he runs out they call the cops and the first thing I say after he hangs up with the cops is I yelled to the bar you all heard him call me Jew boy before he did it and they said I didn't hear that and I said I did and a JY Smet tail is born so they put him in the back seat the cops get him very quickly he wasn't getting far on foot he's in the backseat of the car the cops are examining to see how bad my injury is they're taking glass out of my hair and theop top asked did he smash a pint glass on your head and I said it could have been a pint glass it could have been a manora it happened very quickly okay and the cop asked do you see spinning I said like a drele it's pretty rough you know then finally I had to admit it wasn't a hate crime and they took the guy away and the bar manager turned to me and he said just so you know this never happens here and I was like yeah I figured that'd be pretty weird if you were like that was Scott so Scott does that I've unfortunately had a bad string of luck on the road some of it's my fault about eight years ago I was drinking too much I was a young comic on the road I was in Seattle I was hitting on a girl after the show every 30 seconds her friend would lean in and go not interested every 30 seconds she could do a bit better than you it would get progressively mean at one point she goes you're very unattractive and I was a drunk kid I just said get some more Botox you lizard I'm deeply ashamed of myself for saying that and it's completely appropriate although if you were there you would have been like he nailed it totally but she seemed Furious I couldn't tell by her face but she seemed very upset me and my friend were laughing as we're laughing I get popped in the face by her boyfriend I deserved it she was a lizard but she was his lizard and I thought it was cool that they stuck together you know but this was foreshadowing a month later I'm in Cleveland horrible time to be in Cleveland it was when LeBron left the first time okay yeah exactly I don't know if you guys remember but they did not not take it well and they made the mistake of having their whole economic plan of the time be um LeBron and that's it so it was rough and I I love Cleveland I've always had good times there I like the people it felt like the whole city got dumped because it was Valentine's Day too it was just a weird vibe and I met this hot older woman after the show and we hit it off but she's there with a guy friend who's just a friend but it's Valentine's Day there's that weird energy in the air he's kind of going for I'm going for and he's buying me drinks to keep an eye on me and I'm accepting the drinks because I lack character so he gets up to go to the bathroom and I asked her do you want to get out of here and she said yeah let's ditch him this is how stupid I am I take her to the barn next door that's my getaway plan I was like 7 feet to the left we got this so we're doing shots we're making out it's a very romantic night and I'm glad some people laughed at that but I can tell him in a shitty City when that doesn't get laughs at all well people like that's a very romantic night out that's Dr humping and Jagger shots that's that's how we did our 40th anniversary so I finally said hey do you want to do you want to leave and she said I want to go back to your hotel and I said all right then so we go outside the dude is standing right there and I was like oh no he goes so there you guys are where the [ __ ] do you think you're going I said ah we're going to go back to my hotel and he goes oh yeah you're just going to [ __ ] her and then fly back to New York and I said honestly yes that was a game plan I I was going to pitch it quite differently I was going to say something romantic like shall We Make Love before my Expedition or something and I was I was going to liven it up a little he gets close to me goes you want to [ __ ] her you got to fight me first and that's the first time I noticed he was missing teeth and I was like oh no he's been down this road before and I'm not going to fight him cuz I've never had sex with anyone and been like that was better than teeth never after every one night stand I'm like man it's cool I could still eat apples after this this is is great you know I run down to the hotel lobby I grab me a Macintosh I go about my day so I said hey I'm not going to fight you and he said that's what I thought [ __ ] come here babe doesn't say a word to me just calls her over she goes with them they clearly have a weird arrangement of some sort they start walking away as they walk away there's a guy behind me in a white sweatshirt mat matching white sweatpants very underdressed for Cleveland in February okay he's not quite sitting he's not quite standing he's almost perched and as they walk away he loudly says I wasn't going to let anything happen to [Laughter] you uh who are you he walks over and he goes I police this part of town I said you're a policeman he's not this man is obviously not with law enforcement of any kind so I asked you work for the bar he said no and I said are you a vigilante of some sort and he said yeah and he's in white so I said what's your superhero name the snowflake and he said I go by the White Knight and I'm just drunk enough to be like hell yeah that's all it took I'm like this guy's legit he's got a name so we started chatting I'm kind of baffled I asked him you just wait outside and break up fights and he said I protect downtown Cleveland I said haven't you been hurt he said I've been stabbed twice I was like dude why do you do this he CU I [ __ ] love Cleveland that's why and it's kind of touching honestly he's crazy but he's loyal they lost LeBron they got this guy it's a horrible trade don't get me wrong but this is what loyalty looks like it's not always pretty you know so we start taking a walk I'm taking a little stroll with the white knight and we passed the comedy club and my Poster's in the door and he said you're a comedian I said yeah he said I can never do what you do and I said I could never do what you do either it's um it's illegal and strange and quite alarming to be frank so there's a real Mutual admiration going on you could say and we started chatting for a while about life and love you know at one point he asked me why don't you have a girlfriend on Valentine's Day and I said probably my life choices and my career and he said me too and I said we're not so different you and I white night so he walks me back to the hotel and he said he's coming to my show tomorrow night and uh I said great so I'll see you then we exchange information as you do with Vigilantes and I wake up the next morning head poundy thinking did that even happen but of course it did you don't you don't Daydream the white night first email I see just says subject heading white night night and I thought I think it's him I don't I don't know that many white Knights it said Sam it was such a pleasure to meet you last night unfortunately something came up and I'm unable to attend your show this evening sincerely your new friend and fan the white knight in parenthesis Joshua that made me very happy Jews are very underrepresented as superheroes you know he's he's our black panther so I email him back it bounces back I email him again it bounces back to the point I'm like this guy's created a fake email account to contact me and then just disappear it's very it's very it's like in Batman when he's talking to Commissioner Gordon and he and he turns away for a second turns back and Batman's gone but you see the wind moving he did that to me via email it was always in the back of my head years go by never hear from but I always thought about it cuz I've had weird drunk nights but this one's particularly strange so it must have been six years later I get an email out of the blue different email address but it still says subject heading white night and I thought it's probably him I don't I don't have a large white knight Rolodex so all it said was saw you on Conan funny [ __ ] white night and I wrote back hell yeah dude you're still out there white nighting I'm still doing comedy we're both still in the game and he wrote back oh no I no longer engage in white nighting I now have a wife and a little boy and we reside in the suburbs of Cleveland and I was like this traitorous [Music] [ __ ] and then he wrote how are you and I said I'm in [ __ ] Naples and he wrote back Italy and I was like yeah thank you so much for coming out guys you've been amazing I appreciate it very much all right thank you so [Music] much [Music] a for

Channel: Sam Morril

Views: 407,632

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Id: 1Vny60-7CvM

Length: 47min 34sec (2854 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 06 2024