George Carlin: Jammin' in New York [SUB ITA]

[Music] so [Music] so [Applause] [Music] hello thank you thank you thank you thank you very much thank you thank you all thank you all thank you and hello new york hello new york and thank you yeah okay it's been a little while it's been a little while since i've been here and a couple of things have happened in that time i'd like to talk a little bit about the war in the persian gulf big dunes in the persian gulf you know my favorite part of that war it's the first war we ever had that was on every channel plus cable and the war got good ratings too didn't it got good ratings well we like war we like war we're a war like people we like war because we're good at it you know why we're good at it because we get a lot of practice this country's only 200 years old and already we've had 10 major wars we average a major war every 20 years in this country so we're good at it and it's a good thing we are we're not very good at anything else anymore huh can't build a decent car can't make a tv set or a vcr worth the [ __ ] got no steel industry left can't educate our young people can't get health care to our old people but we can bomb the [ __ ] out of your country all right all right [Applause] especially if your country is full of brown people oh we like that don't we that's our hobby that's our new job in the world bombing brown people iraq panama grenada libya you got some brown people in your country tell them to watch the [ __ ] out or we'll god damn bomb them well when's the last white people you can remember that we bombed can you remember the last white can you remember any white people we've ever bombed the germans those are the only ones and that's only because they were trying to cut in on our action they wanted to dominate the world [ __ ] that's our [ __ ] job [Music] now we only bomb brown people not because they're trying to cut in on our action just because they're brown now you probably noticed i don't feel about that war the way we were told we were supposed to feel about that war the way we were ordered and instructed by the united states government to feel about that war you see i tell you my mind doesn't work that way i got this real [ __ ] thing i do it's called thinking and i'm not a very good american because i like to form my own opinions i don't just roll over when i'm told to sad to say most americans just roll over on command not me i have certain rules i live by my first rule i don't believe anything the government tells me nothing zero no and i don't take very seriously the media or the press in this country who in the case of the persian gulf war were nothing more than unpaid employees of the department of defense and who most of the time most of the time function is kind of an unofficial public relations agency for the united states government so i don't listen to them i don't really believe in my country and i gotta tell you folks i don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and american flags i consider them i consider them to be symbols and i leave symbols to the symbol-minded me i look at war a little bit differently to me war is a lot of prick waving okay simple thing that's all it is war is a whole lot of men standing out in the field waving their pricks at one another are insecure about the size of their dicks and so they have to kill one another over the idea that's what all that [ __ ] jock [ __ ] is all about that's what all that adolescent macho mail posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about it's called dick fear men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another to feel better about themselves and since war is the ultimate competition basically men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem you don't have to be a historian or a political scientist to see the bigger dick foreign policy theory at work it sounds like this what they have bigger dicks bomb them and of course the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks it's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs it's called [ __ ] with people so as far as i'm concerned that whole thing in the persian gulf was nothing more than a big prickwaving dick fight in this particular case saddam hussein had questioned the size of george bush's dick and george bush had been called a wimp for so long wimp rhymes with limp george has been called a wimp for so long that he has to act out his manhood fantasies by sending other people's children to die even the name bush even the name bush is related to the genitals without being the genitals a bush is a sort of passive secondary sex characteristic now if this man's name had been george boner well he might have felt a little bit better about himself and we wouldn't have any trouble over there in the first place this whole country has a manhood problem big manhood problem in the usa you can tell from the language we use language always gives you away what did we do wrong in vietnam we pulled out ah not a very manly thing to do is it when you're [ __ ] people you gotta stay in there and [ __ ] them good [ __ ] all the way until stay in there and keep [ __ ] them until they're all dead we left a few women and children alive in vietnam and we haven't felt good about ourselves since that's why in the persian gulf george bush had to say this will not be another vietnam he actually used these words he said this time we're going all the way imagine an american president using the sexual slang of a 13 year old to describe his foreign policy if you want to know what happened in the persian gulf just remember the names of the two men who were running that war dick cheney and colin powell somebody got [ __ ] in the ass [Applause] thank you thank you very much well tell you what now to balance the scale i'd like to talk about some things that bring us together things that point out our similarities instead of our differences because that's all you ever hear about in this country is our differences that's all the media and the politicians are ever talking about the things that separate us things that make us different from one another that's the way the ruling class operates in any society they try to divide the rest of the people they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that they the rich can run off with all the [ __ ] money fairly simple thing happens to work you know anything different that's what they're going to talk about race religion ethnic and national background jobs income education social status sexuality anything you can do keep us fighting with each other so that they can keep going to the bank you know how i describe the economic and social classes in this country the upper class keeps all of the money pays none of the taxes the middle class pays all of the taxes does all of the work the poor are there just to scare the [ __ ] out of the middle class keep them showing up at those jobs so [Applause] so stirring up the [ __ ] is something i like to do from time to time but i also like to know that i can come back to these little things we have in common little universal moments that we share separately the things that make us the same they're so small we hardly ever talk about them do you ever look at your watch and then you don't know what time it is and you have to look again and you still don't know the time so you look a third time and somebody says what time is it you say i don't know do you ever notice how sometimes all day wednesday you keep thinking it's thursday and it happens over and over all day long and then the next day you're all right again [Applause] do you ever find yourself standing in one of the rooms in your house and you can't remember why you went in there and two words float across your mind alzheimer's disease [Applause] you ever been talking to yourself and somebody comes in the room and you have to make believe you were singing and you hope to god the other person really believes there's a song called what does she think i am some kind of putts little experiences we've all had you ever been sitting in a railroad train in a station and there's another train sitting right next to you and one of them starts to move and you can't tell which one it is how about when you're out on a small boat on a windy day you ever been out rocking back and forth for three or four hours trying to keep your balance rough seas little boat then you get back into the shore and you're standing on the dock and you can swear there was something inside of you that was still out there rocking you ever tried to pick up a suitcase you thought was full but it wasn't and you go dude and for just a split second you feel really strong how about when you're looking through a chain link fence do you ever notice if you're just the right distance from a chain link fence sometimes it seems to go what is that how do they do that do you ever try to tell somebody to have a little bit of dirt on their face you can never get them to rub the right spot can you say you got a little bit of dirt right here they always go where here and you just want to slap the bastard [Applause] did you ever notice how awful your face looks in a mirror in a restroom that has fluorescent lights every cut scrape scratch scar scare bruise boil bump pimples zip wart welt and abscess you've had since birth all seem to come back at the same time and all you can think of is i got to get the [ __ ] out of here do you ever notice sometimes when you're walking with your arm around your date one of you has to change the way you're walking men and women don't walk the same one of them has to change either the man has to walk like this [Applause] or the woman has to walk like this joey how are you how about when you're going up a flight of stairs and you think there's one more step and you go and then you have to kind of keep doing that you know so people will think it's something you do all the time i do this all the time it's the third stage of syphilis [Applause] same thing happens when you're going down the stairs you could swear there was one more step holy [ __ ] my hips are in my chest [Applause] when you drink grapefruit juice in the morning do you go like this [Applause] i do too why do we drink it it's like ice cream throat you know when you've been eating ice cream too fast and you get that frozen spot in the back of your throat but you can't do anything about it because you can't reach it to rub it you just have to kind of wait for it to go away and it does then what do you do eat more ice cream what are we [ __ ] stupid [Applause] did you ever fall asleep on a late afternoon and wake up after dark and you don't know what goddamn day it is [Applause] like when you have your head on a pillow do you ever notice when you have your head on the pillow if you close the if you close the bottom eye the pillow is down there then if you switch eyes the pillow moves up there holy [ __ ] dave look at this the mystery of the moving pillow i think it's related to the chain link fence mystery myself do you ever have to sneeze while you're taking a piss it's frightening isn't it it's frightening because actually you can't do it it's physically impossible to sneeze while pissing your brain won't let it happen your brain says stop pissing we're going to sneeze now because your brain knows you might blow your [ __ ] out [Applause] something else we have in common flying on the airlines and listening to the airlines announcements and trying to pretend to ourselves that the language they're using is really english doesn't seem like it to me whole thing starts when you get to the gate first announcement we would like to begin the boarding process extra word process not necessary boarding is enough we'd like to begin the boarding simple tells the story people add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are boarding process sounds important it isn't it's just a bunch of people getting on an airplane people like to sound important weathermen on television talk about shower activity sounds more important than showers i even heard one guy on cnn talk about a rain event swear to god he said louisiana's expecting a rain event i thought holy [ __ ] i hope i can get tickets to that emergency situation news people like to say police have responded to an emergency situation no they haven't they've responded to an emergency we know it's a situation everything is a situation anyway as part of this boarding process they say we would like to pray board well what exactly is that anyway what does it mean to pre-board to get on before you get on that's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix pre it's all over the language now pre this pre that place the turkey in a preheated oven it's ridiculous there are only two states an oven can possibly exist in heated or unheated preheated is a meaningless [ __ ] term it's like pre-recorded this program was pre-recorded well of course it was pre-recorded when else you're going to record it afterwards that's the whole purpose of recording to do it beforehand otherwise it doesn't really work does it pre-existing pre-planning pre-screening you know what i tell these people pre-suck my genital situation and they seem to understand what i'm talking about anyway as part of this pre-boarding they say we would like to pre-board those passengers traveling with small children but what about those passengers traveling with large children suppose you have a two-year-old with a pituitary disorder you know a six-foot infant with an oversized head kind of kid you see in the national enquirer all the time actually with a kid like that i think you're better off checking them right in with your luggage at the curb don't you well they like it under there it's dark they're used to that about this time someone is telling you to get on the plane get on the plane get on the plane i say [ __ ] you i'm getting in the plane [Applause] [Music] let evil knievel get on the plane i'll be in here with you folks in uniform there seems to be less wind in here [Applause] they might tell you you're on a non-stop flight well i don't think i care for that no i insist that my flights stop preferably at an airport it's those sudden unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day [Applause] here's one they just made up near miss when two planes almost collide they call it a near miss it's a near hit a collision is a near miss look they nearly missed [Applause] yes but not quite [Applause] they might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a change of equipment broken plane tell me to put my seat back forward well i don't bend that way if i could put my seat back forward i'd be in poor no movies then they mentioned carry-on luggage first time i heard carry on i thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board i thought what the hell is that don't they have a little tv dinners anymore then i thought carry on carry on there's going to be a party people are going to be carrying on on the plane well i don't care for that i like a serious attitude on the plane especially on the flight deck which is the latest euphemism for cockpit imagine why they wouldn't want to use a lovely word like cockpit can you especially with all those stewardesses going in and out of it all the time there's a word that's changed stewardess first it was hostess then stewardess now it's flight attendant you know what i call them the lady on the plane sometimes it's a man on the plane now that's good equality i'm all in favor of that sometimes they actually refer to these people as uniformed crew members uniformed as opposed to that guy sitting next to you in the grateful dead t-shirt and the [ __ ] you hat who's working on his ninth little bottle of kahlua i might add as soon as i close the door to the aircraft that's when they begin the safety lecture i love the safety lecture this is my favorite part of the airplane ride i listen very carefully to the safety lecture especially that part where they teach us how to use the seat belts imagine this here we are a plane full of grown human beings many of us partially educated and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle place the small metal flap into the buckle well i asked for clarification at that point over here please every year yes thank you very much did i hear you correctly did you say place the small metal flap into the buckle or place the buckle over and around the small metal flap i'm a simple man i did not possess an engineering degree nor am i mechanically inclined sorry to have taken up so much of your time please continue with the wonderful safety lecture seatbelt high-tech [ __ ] the safety lecture continues the next thing they do they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit i do this immediately [Applause] i locate my nearest emergency exit and then i plan my route you have to plan your route it's not always a straight line is it sometimes there's a really big fat [ __ ] sitting right in front of you well you know you'll never get over him i look around for women and children midgets and dwarves cripples war widows paralyzed veterans people with broken legs anybody who looks like they can't move too well the emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this you might have to go out of your way to find these people but you'll get out of the plane a lot goddamn quicker believe me i say let's see i'll go around the fat [ __ ] step on the widow's head push those children out of the way knock down the paralyzed [ __ ] and get out of the plane where i can help others [Applause] i can be of no help to anyone if i'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big [ __ ] standing on my head i must get out of the plane go to a nearby farmhouse have a dr pepper and call the police [Applause] the safety lecture continues and the unlikely event this is a very suspect phrase especially coming as it does from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times in the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure roof flies off [Applause] an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you place the mask over your face and breathe normally well i have no problem with that i always breathe normally when i'm in a 600 mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive i also [ __ ] normally [Applause] they tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with his i did not need to be told that in fact i'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all this will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance if he can program his [ __ ] vcr [Applause] he can goddamn jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask fairly simple thing just a little rubber band in the back is all it is not nearly as complicated as say for instance a seat belt the safety lecture continues and the unlikely event of a water landing [Applause] [Music] well what exactly is [Music] a water landing am i mistaken or does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device well imagine that my sheet cushion just what i need to float around the north atlantic for several days clinging to a pillow full of beer farts [Applause] thank you the flight continues a little later on toward the end we hear that captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign well who gives a [ __ ] who turned it on what does that have to do with anything it's on isn't it and who made this man a captain might i ask did i sleep through some sort of an armed forces swearing-in ceremony or something captain he's a [ __ ] pilot and let him be happy with that but those sightseeing announcements are any mark of his intellect he's lucky to be working at all tell the captain air marshal carlin says go [ __ ] yourself the next sentence i hear is full of things that piss me off before leaving the aircraft please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board well let's start with immediate seating area see it's a goddamn seat check around your seat for any personal belongings well what other kinds of belongings are there besides personal public belongings do these people honestly think i might be traveling with a fountain i stole from the park you might have brought on board well i might have brought my arrowhead collection i didn't so i'm not going to look for it i am going to look for things i brought on board would seem to enhance the likelihood of my finding something wouldn't you say tell me to return my seat back and trade table to the original upright positions fine who's going to return this guy in the grateful dead t-shirt and the [ __ ] you had to his original upright position about this time they tell you you'll be landing shortly that sounds like we're going to miss the runway final approach is not very promising either is it final is not a good word to be using on an airplane sometimes the pilot will get on you'll say we'll be on the ground in 15 minutes well that's a little vague isn't it [Applause] now we're taxiing in she says welcome to o'hare international airport well how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she isn't even at yet [Applause] doesn't this doesn't just violate some fundamental law of physics we're only on the ground for a second she's coming on like the [ __ ] mayor's wife we're the local time well of course it's the local time what did you think we were expecting the time in pango pango enjoy your stay in chicago or wherever your final destination might be all destinations are final that's what it means destiny final if you haven't gotten where you're going you aren't there yet [Applause] [Music] that captain has asked more [ __ ] from the bogus captain you know for someone who's supposed to be flying an airplane he's taking a mighty big interest in what i'm doing back here that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop not a partial stop because during a partial stop i partially get up continue to observe the no smoking sign until well inside the terminal it's physically impossible to observe the no smoking sign even if you're standing just outside the door of the airplane much less well inside the terminal you can't even see the [ __ ] planes from well inside the terminal [Applause] which brings me to terminal another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel and they use it all over the airport don't they somehow i just can't get hungry at a place called the terminal snack bar but if you've ever eaten there you know it is an appropriate name [Applause] thank you very much thank you okay now speaking of places to eat places to eat and what they're called or named beverly hills has a brand new restaurant specifically for bulimia victims it's called the scarf and barf well they were going to call it the fork and bucket thank god good taste prevailed how about a restaurant for anorexics what would you call it the empty plate the lonesome chef start without me guys see somehow i can't feel sorry for an anorexic you know rich [ __ ] don't want to eat [ __ ] [Applause] don't eat i give a [ __ ] like i'm supposed to be concerned about this want to eat go [ __ ] yourself why don't you lie down in front of a railroad train right after you don't eat what kind of a goddamn disease is that anyway i don't wanna eat how do we come up with this [ __ ] in this country where do we get our values from bulimia there's another all-american disease this has got to be the only country in the world that could ever have come up with bulimia got to be the only country where some people are digging in the dumpster for a peach pit other people eat a nice meal and puke it up intentionally where we get our values from i do not understand our values by the way speaking of american values aren't we about due to start bombing some small country that only has a marginally effective air force seems to me like we're weeks overdue to drop high explosives on helpless civilians people who have no argument with us whatsoever i think we ought to be out there doing what we do best gang making large holes in other people's countries i hate to be repetitious but we are a warlike lot we can't stand it not to be [ __ ] with somebody we couldn't wait for that cold war to be over could we couldn't wait for the cold war to be over we can go and play with our toys in the sand go and play with our toys in the sand and when we're not invading some sovereign nation or setting it on fire from the air which is more fun for our nintendo pilots then then we're usually declaring war on something here at home somebody notice that about us we love to declare war on things here in america anything we don't like about ourselves we declare war on it we don't do anything about it we just declare war on it it's the only metaphor the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems declaring war we have to declare a war on everything we have a war on crime the war on poverty the war on litter the war on cancer the war on drugs but you ever notice we got no war on homelessness no war on homelessness you know why there's no money in that problem no money to be made off of the homeless if you could find a solution if you could find a solution to homelessness where the corporate swine and the politicians could steal a couple million dollars each you see the streets of america begin to clear up pretty goddamn quick i'll guarantee you that i will guarantee you that i got an idea you know what they ought to do give the homeless their own magazine give them their own magazine would make them feel better for one thing that's a sure sign of making it in this country every group in this country that arrives at a certain level has its own magazine we have working mother magazine black entrepreneur magazine hispanic business magazine in fact any activity any activity engaged in by more than four people in this country has got a [ __ ] magazine devoted to it skydiving snowmobiling backpacking mountain climbing bungee jumping skeet shooting duck hunting jerking off playing pool shooting someone in the [ __ ] with a dart gun they probably got a [ __ ] magazine for that walking for christ's sakes walking there's actually a [ __ ] magazine called walking look dan the new walking is out [Applause] here's a good article putting one foot in front of the other get their own magazine give them their own magazine [Applause] you know what you call the magazine for the homeless better crates and cartons yeah then when they can finish reading it they can use it to line their clothing that's a good sound business solution isn't it that's kind of an answer you get from a conservative american businessman in this country yeah let them read it when they get finished read it they can use it to plug up the holes and then piano crates they all seem to like to live in a good sound practical conservative american business solution i got an idea about homelessness what they ought to do change the name of it change the name but it's not homelessness it's houselessness it's houses these people need a home is an abstract idea a home is a setting it's a state of mind these people need houses physical tangible structures they need low-cost housing but where you're going to put it well that's fine but where you're going to put it where you're going to put it nobody wants you to build low-cost housing near their house people don't want it near them we've got something in this country you've heard of it's called nimby nimby not in my backyard people don't want anything any kind of social help located anywhere near them you try to open up a halfway house try to open up a drug rehab or an alcohol rehab center try to do a homeless shelter somewhere try to open up a little home for some [ __ ] people who want to work their way into the community people say not in my backyard people don't want anything near them especially if it might help somebody else part of that great american spirit of generosity we hear about great generous american spirit you can ask an indian about that ask an indian if you can find one you got to locate an indian first we've made them just a little difficult to find well if you need current data select the black family at random ask them how generous america has been to them people don't want anything near them even if it's something they believe in something they think society needs like prisons everybody wants more prisons right everybody wants my prisoners people say build more presence but not here but why not what's wrong what's the problem what's wrong with having a prison in your neighborhood it seemed to me like i would make it a pretty crime-free area don't you think you'd think a lot of crackheads and pimps and hookers and thieves are gonna be hanging around in front of a [ __ ] prison [ __ ] they ain't coming anywhere near it what's wrong with these people all the criminals are locked up behind the walls and if a couple of them do break out what do you think they're gonna do hang around real estate trends oh [ __ ] they're [ __ ] gone that's the whole idea of breaking out of prison is to get the [ __ ] as far away as you possibly can not in my backyard people now on anything near them except military bases they don't mind that do they they like that give them an army base give them a navy base makes them happy why jobs jobs self-interest even if the base is loaded with nuclear weapons then i give a [ __ ] they say well i'll take a little radiation if i can get a job working people have been [ __ ] over so long in this country those are the kind of decisions they're left to make i've got just the place for low-cost housing i have solved this problem i know where we can build housing for the homeless golf courses just what we need just what we need plenty of good land in nice neighborhoods land that is currently being wasted on a meaningless mindless activity engaged in engaged in primarily by white well-to-do male businessmen who use the game to get together to make deals to carve this country up a little finer among themselves i am getting tired really getting tired of these golfing [ __ ] in their green pants and their yellow pants and their orange pants and their precious little hats and their cute little golf carts it is time to reclaim the golf courses from the wealthy and turn them over to the homeless golf is an arrogant elitist game and it takes up entirely too much room in this country too much room in this country it is it is an arrogant game on its very design alone just the design of the game speaks of arrogance think of how big a golf course is the ball is that [ __ ] big what do these pinheaded pricks need with all that land there are over 17 000 golf courses in america they average over 150 acres apiece that's three million plus acres four thousand eight hundred and twenty square miles you could build two rhode islands and a delaware for the homeless on the land currently being wasted on this meaningless mindless arrogant elitist racist there's another thing the only blacks you'll find in country clubs are carrying trays and a boring game boring game for boring people you ever watch golf on television it's like watching flies [ __ ] and a mindless game mindless think of the intellect it must take to draw pleasure from this activity hitting a ball with a crooked stick and then walking after it and then hitting it again i say pick it up [ __ ] you're lucky you found the [ __ ] thing put in your pocket and go the [ __ ] home you're a winner you're a winner no no chance of that happening dorco in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again and walk some more let these rich [ __ ] play miniature golf let them [ __ ] with a windmill for an hour and a half or so see if there's really any skill among these people now i know there are some people who play golf who don't consider themselves rich [ __ ] them and shame on them for engaging in an arrogant elitist pastime hey here's another place we could put some low-cost housing cemeteries there's another idea whose time has passed saving all the dead people and for one part of town what the hell kind of a medieval superstitious religious [ __ ] idea is that plow these [ __ ] up plow them into the streams and rivers of america we need that phosphorus for farming if we're going to recycle let's get serious thank you i appreciate it i appreciate that good to have a little sip of this the water i assume is still safe to drink in new york [Applause] actually actually i got to be fair with you i'm only setting you up a little bit it's just a not a trick question but it's just a setup because i don't really care about the water tell you the truth i just love to hear the answer to that question i ask that question everywhere i go everywhere i go i say how's the water haven't gotten a positive answer yet not one last year i was in 40 states 100 cities not one audience was able to say to me yes enjoy some of our fine local water it is pure and it is good of course i know a lot of people don't talk that way anymore but nobody trusts the local water supply nobody and that amuses me i like that i admit i'm a bit perverted but it amuses me that no one can really trust the water anymore and the thing i like about it the most is it means the system is beginning to collapse and everything is slowly breaking down i enjoy chaos and disorder not just because they help me professionally they're also my hobby you see i'm an entropy fan i'm an entropy fan when i first heard of entropy in high school science i was attracted to it immediately when they told me that in nature all systems are breaking down i thought what a good thing what a good thing perhaps i can make some small contribution in this area myself and of course it's not just in nature in this country the whole social structure just beginning to collapse you watch just beginning now to come apart at the edges in the seams and the thing i like about that is that it means it makes the news on television more interesting makes the television news more exciting makes it more fun i watch television news for one thing and one thing only entertainment that's all i want from the news entertainment you know my favorite thing on television bad news bad news and disasters and accidents and catastrophes i want to see some explosions and fires i want to see [ __ ] blowing up and bodies flying around i'm not interested in the budget i don't care about tax negotiations i don't want to know what country the [ __ ] pope is in but you show me a hospital that's on fire and people on crutches are jumping off the roof and i'm a happy guy i'm a happy guy i'm a happy guy i want to see a paint factory blowing up i want to see an oil refinery explode i want to see a tornado hit a church on sunday i want to see people i want to know there's some guy running through the kmart with an automatic weapon firing at the clerks i want to see thousands of people in the street killing policemen i want to hear about a nuclear meltdown i want to know the stock market dropped 2 000 points in one day i want to see people under pressure sirens flames smoke bodies graves being filled parents weeping exciting [ __ ] my kind of tv i just want some entertainment it's just the kind of guy i am it's the kind of guy i am you know what i love the most when big chunks of concrete and fiery wood are falling out of the sky and people are running around trying to get out of the way exciting [ __ ] that's why i watch auto racing that's the only reason i watch auto racing i'm waiting for some accidents man i want to see some cars on fire i don't care about a bunch of redneck jackoffs driving 500 miles in a circle 500 miles in a circle children can do that for christ's sake doesn't impress me i want to see some schmuck with his hair on fire running around punching his own head trying to put it out i want to see the pits explode i want to see a car doing a 200 mile an hour cartwheel hey where else besides auto racing am i going to see a 23 car collision and not be in the son of a [ __ ] and if a car flies out of control lands in the stands and kills 50 spectators fine [ __ ] them serves them right they paid to get in let them take their chances with everybody else just means more fun for me more fun for me hey least i admit it at least i admit it most people won't admit to those feelings most people see something like that on television they'll say oh isn't that awful isn't that too bad lying [ __ ] lying [ __ ] you love it and you know it explosions are fun and hey the closer the explosion is to your house the more fun it is do you ever notice that sometimes you have the tv on and you're working around the house some guy comes on television he says 6 000 people were killed in an explosion today you say where where he was in pakistan say oh [ __ ] pakistan too far away to be any fun but if he says it happened in your hometown you'll say whoa hot [ __ ] come on dave let's go look at the body let's go look at the bodies i love bad news i love bad news hey the more bad news there is the faster this system collapses fine by me fine by me don't bother my ass don't bother my ass none i'm glad the water sucks i'm glad it sucks you know what i do about it i drink it [Applause] unless unless it really smells if it really smells a lot like sulfur then i might buy a soda but it's got to be a soda loaded with chemical additives i like a lot of chemical additives in the things i eat and drink see i'm not one of these people who's worried about everything you got people like this around you country's full of them now people walking around all day long every minute of the day worried about everything worried about the air worried about the water word about the soil worried about insecticides pesticides food additives carcinogens worried about radon gas worrying about asbestos worried about saving endangered species let me tell you about endangered species all right saving endangered species is just one more arrogant attempt by humans to control nature it's arrogant meddling it's what got us in trouble in the first place doesn't anybody understand that interfering with nature over 90 percent over way over 90 percent of all the species that have ever lived on this planet ever lived are gone they're extinct we didn't kill them all they just disappeared that's what nature does they disappear these days at the rate of 25 a day and i mean regardless of our behavior irrespective of how we act on this planet 25 species that were here today will be gone tomorrow let them go gracefully leave nature alone haven't we done enough we're so self-important so self-important everybody's gonna save something now save the trees save the bees save the whales save those snails and the greatest arrogance of all save the planet what are these [ __ ] people kidding me save the planet we don't even know how to take care of ourselves yet we haven't learned how to care for one another we're gonna save the [ __ ] planet i'm getting tired of that [ __ ] tired of that [ __ ] tired i'm tired of [ __ ] earth day i'm tired of these self-righteous environmentalists these white bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren't enough bicycle paths people trying to make the world safe for their volvos besides environmentalists don't give a [ __ ] about the planet they don't care about the planet not in the abstract they don't not in the abstract they don't you know what they're interested in a clean place to live their own habitat they're worried that someday in the future they might be personally inconvenienced narrow unenlightened self-interest doesn't impress me besides there is nothing wrong with the planet nothing wrong with the planet the planet is fine the people are [ __ ] difference difference the planet is fine compared to the people the planet is doing great been here four and a half billion years do you ever think about the arithmetic planet has been here four and a half billion years we've been here what a hundred thousand maybe two hundred thousand and we've only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over 200 years 200 years versus four and a half billion and we have to conceit to think that somehow we're a threat that somehow we're going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue green ball that's just a floating around the sun the planet has been through a lot worse than us been through all kinds of things worse than us been through earthquakes volcanoes plate tectonics continental drift solar flares sunspots magnetic storms the magnetic reversal of the poles hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors worldwide floods tidal waves worldwide fires erosion cosmic rays recurring ice ages and we think some plastic bags [Music] and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference the planet the planet [Applause] the planet isn't going anywhere we are we're going away pack your [ __ ] folks we're going away and we won't leave much of a trace either thank god for that maybe a little styrofoam maybe a little styrofoam plant will be here we'll be long gone just another failed mutation just another closed end biological mistake an evolutionary cul-de-sac the planet will shake us off like a bad case of fleas a surface nuisance you want to know how the planet's doing ask those people at pompeii who have frozen into position from volcanic ash how the planet's doing one of the planets all right ask those people in mexico city or armenia or 100 other places buried under thousands of tons of earthquake rubble if they feel like a threat to the planet this week how about those people in kilauea hawaii who build their homes right next to an active volcano and then wonder why they have lava in the living room the planet will be here for a long long long time after we're gone and it will heal itself it will cleanse itself because that's what it does it's a self-correcting system the air and the water will recover the earth will be renewed and if it's true that plastic is not degradable well the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm the earth plus plastic the earth doesn't share our prejudice towards plastic plastic came out of the earth the earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place it wanted plastic for itself didn't know how to make it needed us could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question why are we here plastic [ __ ] so so the plastic is here our job is done we can be phased out now and i think that's really started already don't you i mean to be fair the planet probably sees us as a mild threat something to be dealt with and i'm sure the planet will defend itself in in in the manner of a large organism like a beehive or an ant colony can muster a defense i'm sure the planet will think of something what would you do if you were the planet trying to defend against this pesky troublesome species let's see what my viruses viruses might be good they seem vulnerable to viruses and uh viruses are tricky always mutating and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed perhaps this first virus could be one that that compromises the immune system of these creatures perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along and maybe it could be spread sexually making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction well that's a poetic note and it's a start and i can dream can i i don't worry about the little things bees trees whales snails i think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand a higher order call it what you want know what i call it the big electron the big electron whoa [Music] whoa whoa it doesn't punish it doesn't reward it doesn't judge at all it just is and so are we for a little while thanks for being here with me for a little while tonight thank you thank you very much thank you thank you thank you new york city take care of yourself take care of yourself and take care of somebody else thank you good night [Applause] you

Channel: Bowling Ball Man

Views: 1,826,079

Keywords: ComedySubs, George Carlin, Stand-up comedy

Id: pDFUdO7AH74

Length: 58min 53sec (3533 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 30 2022