- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Kyle Kinane! - Ooh. All right. All right. Okay. Hm. Oh. Thank you. All right, let's... Let's calm... You don't know the new stuff. Calm down. Super racist nowadays so you do not know what you signed on for. Thank you guys very much for being here. This is a delight. I appreciate you. Thank you. Yeah, it's been a minute since I've been back to Minneapolis, so thank you for having me here. Thank you for coming out and spending your Saturday night with me. I know, listen, if you
happened to buy a ticket to this show without knowing who I am, and you just came to a
comedy show, thank you. Extra special to you for doing that. That's a bold move to do with your money. I know, I know. It's a weird... "I've never heard of him.
Let's give it a shot. It's a gamble." So thank you. If you do know who I am and
you bought a ticket, thank you. I do appreciate you coming
back. That's very nice of you. If you're the date of
somebody who knows who I am, I know the speech you got to get here, so. I know the speech they
gave you to come in here, so they're like, "No,
he looks like a jag off, but he talks about his feelings. You'll like him, you'll like him. Trust me." "No, he looks like he
uses the word tyranny in casual conversation, but
he's not like that at all. He's not like that at all." That being said, like it's tough to be a
comedian and be intolerant. That's almost like to see
comedians like get older and be less tolerant because
you have to travel so much and encounter so many
different groups of people and that you meet all these people and I want all their money. So I really- I'm trying to appeal to
the masses these days. I'm selling out, baby. No, truly, last week I
did a show in Montana and we spent Labor Day in
Yellowstone National Park, and it was something
like, I'm sitting there, it's beautiful and watching
Old Faithful go up, look at this landmark. And I was just shoulder
to shoulder with people, like let's go Brandon T-shirts and like don't tread on
me hats and everything. Just people that hate big government and hate socialism even more, unironically enjoying a national park. But they love America and they appreciate. But then a few days later I
was in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. This was Wednesday night. I
was in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. A little crunchy college town. And I was having brunch. And at the table next to
me there was two ladies. And the one lady was saying,
"Well, when I do my sermons, I have to use the Bible
on a case by case basis to determine which
pronouns to use for God." And I had a minute where
I wanted to lean over and say optimistically, "It'd be they/them
because God's everywhere. But realistically it's a no/none 'cause that shit's not real. Get your life together." Oh yeah. But I couldn't say that because my mouth was full of a vegan quesadilla. Woo! yeah! - And that gave me just enough time to pause and be like, you know what? Me and this lady are both sitting here pretending something that isn't is. So- Maybe we all need to lighten the fuck up and start saying hi to people more often. - Woo!
- Yeah! - Be cool. You know? Now my goal is not to be divisive. I think that's not helping
anything right now. It's weird that, I don't know. You know, you meet, there's just patriots, a lot of patriots out there. Patriots. Patriots. Love America. They love America and
they love the military, they love the troops, but they
also love the Constitution. I gotta get this piece of fuzz off me 'cause it's a special and I
can't look like shit for this. Like you meet these people
and they're Americans. "We're Americans" and they're patriots and they love the Constitution
and they love military and they're just, yeah, but it's weird because like they love the military, but you can't criticize the troops but you love the Constitution. And that's got the First Amendment, which allows me to criticize the troops. So which do you love? You
can't be one or the other. And all I'm saying is I've been getting in a lot of bar fights.
'cause I don't think- You can't tell me you
love the First Amendment. Tell me I can't criticize the troops 'cause I'm gonna stand
here as an American also and tell you I don't think
Navy Seals should be ticklish. And- And there's always some guy with like a grunt style T-shirt
at the other end of the bar. Like, "Why not? It's endearing." No, it's a weakness. And it shouldn't be tolerated. You're telling me these
are the best of the best and all it's gonna take is a big feather to get them to spill the beans? That's unacceptable. Unacceptable. Navy Seals shouldn't be ticklish. And also you shouldn't qualify for the CIA if you've ever fallen
for a surprise party. That should just be the test. That should be one of the tests. Oh, I thought we were just
going to Nana's house. Yeah. On your birthday! If everybody yells "surprise" and you're like, "I had no idea" then the surprise is you
need to find a new career. I will say this, politically speaking, I will say this, I think
that the last eight years, eight years in this
country has really ruined the whole, "the
president's been kidnapped" genre of action movie. I will say that it has deflated my enthusiasm. Man, that was a fun movie,
10 years ago that was fun. Oh, you'd go right to
the cinema on Friday. The president's been kidnapped. Oh no! Who's gonna save him? Channing Tatum. I hope his
shirt doesn't come off. We were all- We were excited for those. You can't make that movie now. That movie does not have
the steam it once held. The president's been kidnapped. Well, yeah, I mean. It's not good out there. People aren't happy, man. Inflation's outta control. Well, what are the kidnappers asking for? Healthcare? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll watch it, but I'm not rooting for who
you want me to root for. Oh, they saved him. Okay, that's cool. Why are my premiums
still through the roof? I'm not going to the
sequel I'll tell you that. I'll just... Like all those action movies. I like the president's
been kidnapped movies. I like all, action movies are my escape. The world's filled with drama
and turmoil and heartbreak. I don't need to go to the movies for that. I can just look outside and
be like, "Ah, it's bad." And so- I go, I like action movies because of the escapism,
the dumber the better. That's how I, plot holes,
explosions that don't make sense. Give it to me. Why are you in space? Nobody asked. All right. Fine. The only thing that can truly
take me out of an action movie and really just destroy
my suspension of disbelief is when the main action hero, when the star like right, like main guy. Right when he does all the action, right after like when's like
when his penis like just works. Okay. Like whenever he wants it
to, you know, like just... The sexual prowess under
pressure is the part. Okay. Okay. Okay. My favorite action movies
of a current day in age that we're in are the "Fast
& the Furious" movies. Those are my favorite ones, arguably. Oh sure, sure. But even cheering we know they're the dumbest ones out there. They're dumb, they know they're dumb, and we know they're dumb and we're still like, "Give 'em to me." How dumb are... The last one was called
"Fast X" for Fast 10. There's 12 of them. They're like, "It's 'Fast 10.'" Like, aren't there 12? They're like, "Shut up, dummy." I'm like, "Yeah, okay, fine, it's fine. And the guys that die in
one just show back up. They don't even say why. They're just like, "Hey!" And they're like, "Oh, I
thought you..." "Yeah!" Like... And they're formulaic, they're elaborate, but
they're truly formulaic. Like, right, I'm gonna describe one of the Fast and Fury-Eye to you right now. And pretty sure that's
how you pluralize it, so. And if you don't know the franchise, you will not know if
I'm just making this up, just pulling it outta my ass. You will have no... And if you do know the franchise, you still will not be sure because they just blend into
one long Camaro explosion. But say, we'll choose anyone
from like in the middle. So let's say like three to
three to eight, let's say, anywhere in there. You never
know what it's gonna be. They've already done their first heist. They've established themselves,
they've got their millions, you know, this rap scallion crew of Honda Civic jockeys. They've made a few bucks and now they're in different parts of the world just enjoying their life. Ah, we really did it.
Nothing can go wrong now. And that's when just a representative from the US government comes in. Like, "We need this crack
team of DVD player thieves." "When that was relevant. We're the USA's strongest
military in the world. Nevermind about the Navy Seals, but we're the strongest
military in the world. That's part of the training now. We let puppies lick their toes and if they crack, they're out. But right now, Outside of the best,
strongest big dick military in the world, none of them
know how to drive manual. So we really need you guys. We need you, bunch of
Corona sipping degenerates to help us out." Just a group of international terrorists. It's international now. They can't be from a country because that's problematic, but it's still terrorism,
but it's very diverse. Who are these terrorists? I don't know. That guy's Cuban, I
think he's gay. Whatever. They're just all over the place. They're all over the place now. They've stolen the nuclear
codes. It's always the codes. It's never the bomb, it's the codes, apparently somebody's just
writing 'em down in a notebook and just leaving them in
a backpack at Starbucks. They always get the codes. It's just somebody like, "All right, I got my keys, I got my wallet, ChapStick. Oh my JanSport full of nuclear codes! I can't believe I left it on the bus. So the terrorists have
stolen nuclear codes. They've hidden them in a Lamborghini. That's where I hide something. They've hidden 'em in a Lamborghini. Tastefully colored, no, it's orange. Bright orange Lamborghini. And they've stashed it on top
of the bad guy skyscraper. That's where I'd put it. You can't put it in the garage.
It'll get scratched, so. There's a bright orange Lamborghini full of nuclear codes on top of a heavily protected skyscraper in a country that we will not name because this movie needs
to make money everywhere. So- What did I tell you? You know, you gotta appeal. So that's on you guys now to help us 'cause our military can't do it. And they're like, "All right, assemble. All right, who... Well let's first, who
do we have in our team that might have like a connection? A guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who might have like just a special Lamborghini lifting helicopter?" And then just outta the shadows comes former hip hop star, Ludacris. Oh, sure. Of course. Can you imagine being someone else? Other than Ludacris? I am convinced Ludacris does
not know he's in these movies. I think Ludacris, I think he shows up wearing the clothes he
was gonna wear anyway. And they just convinced him
to say a few key phrases. "With what? Lamborghini
lifting helicopter?" "Got it. That's it!" And they call him Ludacris half the time. I'm pretty sure. I don't know his character
names like Dave or Lug Nut, I don't know. Like, "All right, so Luda. Shit. Oh, should we cut? 'Cause I called him..." They're like, "Nope, we already blew the budget on special effects. Just keep going." But somehow they get Ludacris
to say, "Yeah, I got a guy." And they're like, "All right, cool." And so that's it. We're like, oh, we're like
only 20 minutes in the movie. Short and sweet. They cracked the case, you know? So special Lamborghini lifting helicopters coming over the horizon,
you know, just approaching. And it's a unique looking helicopter, and bad guy's skyscrapers over
here, but it's a skyscraper. They got a vantage point with elevation. They're like, "That
looks like a particular kind of helicopter. Maybe one specifically designed for picking up Lamborghinis
full of nuclear codes." And then the bad guys are like, "Well, should we double check? Like we're the bad guys."
And they just shoot it down. They just shoot it down right there. And you're 25 minutes into the movie. Like, "Well, oh no, what are we gonna do? That was the plan." And so now we gotta go
back to the clubhouse where everybody's hanging out and we're like, "All
right, well that plan, that was our one shot. So now we gotta go real unorthodox. Maybe something like with math and science and engineering, do we
have somebody in our group with like that kind of brain,
that analytical thinking that could like figure out
some way with engineering to get the car off there? Oh yeah. Former model, Tyrese. Of course!" Of course. When I think of engineering
mastermind, I think of Tyrese. Tyrese I believe is reading the script just below the camera at all times. "Oh, what's up? Y'all need help getting a Lambgin... That says Lambgina, man. That's how it's spelled? Oh. Y'all need to get a
Lamborghini off a building?" And then they just cut to a
whiteboard with a lot of shapes and numbers on it. And he just goes, "There." You know, like they just
some had some intern run in, just make geometric shapes
and put some math on there. And that's when Tyrese's like, "Well, if you drive it
fast enough off the edge of the building and you
could just fly it away on account of a Lamborghini
has the doors that do this. It's got doors like this. So if you get enough speed, it could actually travel
non-traditionally." "That sounds like back to the future." "Shut up, man. And so if you got enough speed..." "Alright, so that's the plan. We'll fly the Lamborghini." "To where?" "Okay, well, I guess we could just like get a short-term lease
on a good guy skyscraper across the street. We'll just roll in with some
cash, talk to the landlord. According to Tyrese's calculations, we really only need
floors eight through 13. We really only need those, given
the trajectory of his math. That's where the Lamborghini
should crash into. So we get a short-term lease there." "Absolutely, short term lease. " "All right, but now we
have to execute this plan. Who do we have amongst our
crew that is brave enough, that is strong enough, that
is bald and dumb enough?" We all know who it is.
My man, Vincent Diesel. That's who's coming in
there. Vincent Diesel. My man, Dominic Toretto. "I just go by Vincent these days." He hears him talk about, he scoots out from underneath some hot rod that's blowing up in every movie. Every movie that car just
fucking explodes at the end. And the next one starts with him like . Apparently all you need is like a 5/8 wrench. And be like, "Back in action." He scoots out with a
totally clean tank top and just stands up like, "I'll do it." He's only got five lines. And he rolls in there, he
gets to bad guy skyscraper. He just starts at the bottom. Just indiscriminately, just kills. Shoot, shoot, shoot. Shoots him, shoots him, shoots this guy. Gets to one floor. Like,
"We're just a call center! What's happening?" "No witnesses!" Shoots him, shoots him, shoots him. Gets up to what. "We're just United
Airlines customer service. What's going on?" Double tap, double tap, double tap. Hell, I gotta fly them tomorrow. He just kills everyone in the skyscraper and gets up to the roof where the Lamborghini
full of nuclear codes is. He gets in and he just,
there's always a minute where he is just like is horny for the car where he's like, "Mm." You know? Why? He fires it up, backs up, shoots it towards the edge of
the building, boom it goes. He pops the doors. That's it, they're the wings, it's flying. Of course, it's flying. We've all agreed that this is real. I'm on my third bag of popcorn just going, "Of course it works. Tyrese knows math." Absolutely with him on this 100%. But then there's one
terrorist he didn't get yet. There's one guy and he's
just barely hanging on, but he's dedicated to being a terrorist. And he's like, "Oh", he
pulls his AK-47 over by him and he says something hacked 'cause they didn't pay
the writers well enough. So this guy's just
like, "Not on my watch " or some shit. You know, like something dumb. And he's got one bullet
left and he fires it off, but it doesn't hit Vincent and it doesn't hit like the undercarriage, like it just hits the window in the door, which that's where the lift exists for the Lamborghini to fly. Oh no, his whole plan unravels! Now the Lamborghini's spiraling and Vincent's like, "Ah,
what are we gonna do?!" And it's spiraling. It's not gonna go to the designated floors that they got a rent on. It just smashes into the
side of good guy skyscraper. And Vince, he thinks quick, he flips out outside, he grabs a seatbelt. He's just holding, he's dangling off the side of the building. He's holding onto like an office chair that's hooked on an
I-beam that's hanging out of a under construction office. And he's holding onto the Lamborghini by the seatbelt, just
like, "We gotta do this." And he's looking, his
crucifix is just dangling, shining in sunlight. And he looks at that and
that's when he's like, "Oh yeah, family!" And he just... You know, which is such... That's weird that that's
what that reminds him of, you know, because the
guy on that crucifix, his dad killed him. That's a weird thing to go with. But he's just, that's
where he gets his strength. "Family." And he just, "Ah!" And he flings a Lamborghini over his head into the office up there
and he drags himself up and he says, "Ah." And he's got glass coming
out of his bald head and he's bleeding. He drags himself in there, and the rest of the crew, they all rush up to make sure he's okay. And they're like, "Oh my God, I can't believe that was so close." And the main, like the starlet,
his wife, I don't even know, she shows up for the first five minutes in the movie and disappears. But then she's there at the end. Like she was part of
this crew the whole time. And she's like, "Oh, I can't believe... I'm so glad you're safe. Don't you do that ever again." But then she's like, "But also the way you saved
the world, it's got me all mm. I just, ooh, every time you
just assert yourself this way, we should fuck." And he's just laying there
bleeding like, "All right." And that's the part of the movie where I'm like, "Okay, I gotta... I was with you the whole time, I was with you from Ludacris
just being called Ludacris, from Tyrese knowing science. I was on board with everything, flying Lamborghini instantly, of course. But there's no way he's
fucking rocking up for this. Not then, no. I just want one action movie
where that's the moment where it really hits the realism where it's just like everything happened, the explosions death, blood. And I just want the main guy
to just be like, "Ah, ah. What? Are you fucking around? Did you not see what I just... Can I get like 20 minutes? Jesus Christ." "This is what horns you up? What's wrong? I just killed all those guys. And not to mention I ran
up the whole building, but those guys had families. I'm sad about that. You don't... And also, I've been at
my target heart rate all day with this plan. I am just now, I think this is rebar that went through a kidney. My blood pressure's plummeting. But I mean, if you need
it, we can give it a shot, but it won't be good. It won't. I hope you're
into people watching. 'Cause we're gonna have
to do it in the ambulance because I am fighting
off the tunnel vision right now of a blackout. And I need fluids, not
sexy fluids, vital fluids. I need fluids and monitoring and I will be passing out
throughout the whole thing. But if you wanna give it a shot with the EMTs looking over us, I could try and thumb it in
for as long as I'm conscious. I mean, that's the best I can promise you is every 30 seconds, I'm just gonna be slapping my dick against my hand, like a TV remote with a dead battery. So, I mean, we can try, but I'd love six to eight
weeks for a full recovery. Just to be honest with you there." So that's... Just give me an ounce of
reality "Fast & Furious." I'm just here to tell you one story. That's about it. I just gonna tell you a story, unleash you on the night. So I have moved back to the suburbs. That's what I've done.
That's my big life change. No kids, no marriage. I just
live back in the suburbs. That was my big whole thing. And I thought I was gonna do great. 'Cause it's weird. Like, I mean, suburbs not what you hear a super cool guy talk about, but no, I thought, you
know what my reasoning was, like I'm from the suburbs and I was like, "Okay, yeah, maybe it's just, you know, I'm middle aged. It's okay to like cool down and stop trying to die every night." But I'm from a town
called Addison, Illinois. That's where I'm from.
It's outside of Chicago. Doesn't matter. It's the same suburb. Whatever suburb you're
thinking of, that's the one. They're not different. You
know, they're not different. "But mine has a 31 Flav..." No, no, they're all the same one. You know, they're all, it's everywhere. A poorly marked exit
across nine lanes a highway that you got- Just cut off, you know, semi-trucks, like, "God damn it!" Get on some cloverleaf
that just plops you out right between a TGI Fridays and a Chili's. Yeah, that's the one. There's always a family in the parking lot between those two restaurants confused. Yeah. Every time, every time. It's always just the dad. He's always just like, "Well, yeah, I know, but which one's got that prolapsed onion thing I like so much?" "All of them, Darryl, only
the sauce is different." "Okay." Yeah, that's the one. My parents still live there. My parents are still in the
same house I grew up in. I guarantee you they're in that house right now at this very moment. Just both in separate
rooms, three televisions, all playing HGTV at different volumes
just to fill in the void where conversation used to live. Just "Property Brothers" echoing like the national anthem
in a baseball stadium. Have you thought about a French drain? French drain. French drain. They're great. They're there, you know,
they're just old and crazy. You know, parents are. Both there. I still love 'em. I still talk to 'em but it's,
you know, it gets tough. My mom, ooh, how do we say this? Verbose is not a long enough word to describe how my mother abuses the privilege of conversation. Is that too mean? Is that... Let's put it this way, the woman tells a story the
same way a Rube Goldberg machine cracks an egg into a frying pan. Does that make more sense? Oh, you're gonna get that omelet, but you're gonna take a lot of unnecessary twists and turns to get there. What's that, an example?
You got it, Minneapolis. Sometimes you gotta grease it. I called her up. When I call her, I know that
I've made the first mistake. So I just, I clear my schedule, I get snacks and waters around me and I'm like, "All right, here we go." Time to hit the space station. You know, you just get your necessities around you and strap in. And I called her up and I called her. I started optimistically, I'm
gonna start with good energy. And I call her and I was like, "Okay." I was like, "Hey Ma!" That's how I started. "Hey ma!" Good energy. And that's how I called. She answered the phone,
heard me go, "Hey Ma!" And then her response, she just goes, "Ugh." Right there I was like I
do not have enough snacks. We are not gonna make it
around the moon on this one. She goes, as if she's
been prepared for this, she goes, "Ugh, Kyle." She goes, "Do you know the
game Words From Friends?" Now I know that game's
called Words With Friends, but I don't want to correct her. That's gonna add time on the clock. That's what we're trying to avoid. All right? Talking to my mom. It's improv rules. Yes, and, you just gotta
agree and push forward. It's the only way. Anything said is the truth
and that's the reality now. Can you just accept and move forward? Words From Friends, I'm like, "Yeah, Mom, it's like Scrabble." She goes, "Kyle, it's like Scrabble." Then she spent the next
20 minutes describing the game of Scrabble to me, that's a game that we've played together. I blacked out. I came to I don't know
how much longer later. The house smelled delicious.
I think I made a frittata. I'm not sure. I came to, when she was
reaching what she knew was the logical conclusion
of her introduction. This was the finish
line for her all along. She goes, "So anyway, Liz
had to have three feet of her lower intestine removed." How she got there from fucking phone
Scrabble, I have no idea. And I'll never know. If you have an idea, hit
me up. You know what? Give it to the kids. They're imaginative. If you're a teacher, even
just a parent, just try. "Hey, creative writing exercise today, kids, take out a pen and paper. We're gonna try something
different. All right? We're gonna start here. All right. Words From Friends. What? No, I know it's wrong. Work it into the piece. We're starting here. Now we wanna land here
at intestinal removal. That's where we're gonna end. And if you can get there
in 5,000 words or less, Pulitzer Prize, probably, I don't know. At least a full ride to a state school. I can't... I've had This shit up on the
bulletin board for weeks. This is like some "Goodwill
Hunting" type shit. I have no idea." But good on her for having
it makes sense. You know? I think that's why their
relationship works is 'cause like my dad is the complete opposite. My dad will say something meaningful once every three to five years. That's when he's like, "You
know what? I will chime in." That's about it. I remember one time, I stay over there when I'm back in town most of the times. And I woke up in the morning and I was making a cup
of coffee for myself and I put cream and sugar in that coffee 'cause that's how I
thought I liked coffee. My dad just appeared next to me, just fully dressed, tucked in. Like what are you doing? You own this house and
you don't work. Calm down. He's just looking at what
I had done to the coffee. And he's just looking at it for a while. And then just after me, he
finally just looks at me, gestures to the coffee and just says, "Why don't
you put a dress on it?" I've drank black coffee since that day. Do I like it? Not at all. No. But Daddy's love, oh yeah! Oh. That's not an ulcer. That's just Pat Kinane letting
me know he thinks about me. We don't say I love you. We just bleed out into
each other's stomachs. That's how you know, that's how you know. In spite of him saying that,
he's not like a macho guy. I appreciate that. He is
not like a macho dude. They're just both, they're Midwest. They're stuck in their
ways. You know how it is. You got parents, older relatives. Like this is how we do it.
Yeah, but it's better this way. Oh, change is the devil. So we just, we gotta do it this way. Like my dad still, my dad
will still have a steak with a glass of milk. Yeah. What, are you trying to put it
back together inside of you? What's... Some sort of culinary ship in a bottle you're trying to build down there? Hey, I got a idea. Let's get
your old racing leathers on. You can cosplay the whole
fucking thing. How about that? One of the times I was back home and I was going out to
eat with some friends. We were going out to a
vegetarian restaurant because I'm vegetarian,
technically I'm pescatarian. But well, you don't have to say that unless you want to get
rid of all your friends. It's really such an efficient way to cull the herd. We're all thinking about going out to eat. What's everybody want? Well, just remember, I'm a pescatarian. Shut the fuck up, Kyle. Nobody asked or cares. We just figured you'd stay home and lick the yard for
whatever nutrients you need. Why don't you go dunk
your hand in a fish tank and suck on that for
the rest of the night. So, we're going out to
this vegetarian restaurant and I invited my dad to go. And he's not like macho about stuff. He'll go to things and he was actually excited. He's like, "Oh, that's great. Yeah, I've never had vegetarian food." I'm like, "Yeah, you have. It's been right next to
that steak the whole time." I took him to this vegetarian restaurant and he ordered a veggie burger, safe bet for somebody
that's unfamiliar with it. 'Cause I could tell he is
like, "Maybe it's meat." It won't be, but you know. Anyways, it's a familiar term
you went with, I understand. And so I ordered a veg burger and I got to watch my
father eat a veggie burger for the very first time. And, you know, maybe
without, I don't have kids, so maybe this is what people talk about when you have kids, you get to watch 'em experience something new and it rekindles like, oh, that's what like a new thing is like, and it's like exciting
and endearing to watch. That's what I got watching my dad eat a veggie burger for the first time. And it was great to see him eat it because he did not like it. And that made it so much more
entertaining to watch. 'Cause I knew he was gonna finish it. Midwest, you finish your
food, it's rude if you don't. I don't care if you don't like it. You clean plate, you clean your plate. So I watched that man just reluctantly fight through a veggie burger. He wasn't gonna speak up
about it. He just fought. It was weird too 'cause
he wouldn't use his teeth. I don't know why. He has teeth. They weren't like just on the table, but he wouldn't bite. I could tell in his head
like taste for flesh. This ain't flesh. So he was only using his lips and his tongue, which
was a very odd choice. The best way I could
describe watching my dad eat a veggie burger is
probably like watching a gay guy reluctantly go down on a woman just because that's the corner of the orgy he was stuck in when
everything popped off. Because you know, orgies
our vicinity base, it's like musical chairs, you know, when the guy with the
starter pistol says go, you just gotta get to what's next to you. You know, orgy, they're
always like in a house, in a cul-de-sac, you know, and it was always the husband's
idea, but they're nervous. Everybody's oiled up and nude. But the husbands are by
the hor d'oeuvre table, second guessing their plan. You know, just trying to get half mast, making more eye contact
with their neighbors then they've ever made their life like, "Nah, sports. Sports, right? Sports actually. Yeah, sports. What is that, hummus? I saw yours. I'm sorry. Ah! I guess you could look at mine. Shit, this is weird. Why'd we decide to do this?" And all the wives are on this
side of the room, you know, with the one gay couple that moved to town 'cause that's who's gonna
talk 'em through it, you know, they're like, "All right, ladies, listen, this can be a very enriching
and rewarding experience. It's nerve wracking at first. Have a zanie, have a champagne. We're gonna get through this together. This could actually open up so many more possibilities
for you and your partner. Now if there are insecurities,
those will come out and your relationships may suffer. Diane. Oof. But for the most part, this
could just be an enriching, it could really be a growing experience for you and your part..." And that's when a guy
with a referee jersey and a green NASCAR flag comes
in like, "And you're off." And then, because
everybody's been separate so the gay guys are just surrounded by oiled up naked women
going, "All right, shit, ladies, just hold still. We gotta munch through these
boxes to get to that dick. So just hold still." And that's how I watched
my dad eat a veggie burger. And so I think... What your main takeaway right now is I don't think Kyle's ever been in an orgy. No, I have not. I most certainly have not. But... And it's weird that that's where I jump to watching my dad just... "How you doing there, buddy?" "Oh, it's just a lot mushier than I thought it was gonna be." "Yeah, the videos aren't
gonna get you ready." "What is that, a bean?" "If you're doing it right? Yeah. If you're doing it right." It's fine. We're fine. Everybody's fine. But that's the vibe I thought I was moving back to in the suburbs. Like I'm gonna move to the suburb. I thought first off, I
realized when I moved back to the suburbs, I came
in with the wrong energy because I came in with city energy. I was living in Los Angeles
for just about 17 years. And if you like city
energy, as you may know, like you just get real used to things that you shouldn't be getting used to. Like you shouldn't be casual about some of the stuff
that's happening, but you do 'cause you're in a city and that volume just slowly gets turned up. You know, just frog in the boiling water until you're just coming
in just real loose saying shit like, "Man,
that guy with the sword is out in front of 7-Eleven again." He's always saying something wild like, "And I'll do it again." I don't doubt you will, my man. I'm sorry, sir. I figured out it takes
him about nine seconds to go from the Red Box machine
to the propane refill tanks so if you time it out just right, you can get in and out
without him seeing you. Makes that Slurpee
tastes that much sweeter. I'll tell you that. Mm-hmm. That's a little sugary
trophy for you for living. Watch out though, if he nicks you, you're gonna have to get a tetanus shot. That's never any fun. So that's the energy I moved back with. Like I just came in hot
because, because I knew, 'cause we moved there like
end of September, right? And that's when I got into town, I'm like this is how I'm
winning over this neighborhood. I'm gonna move in the suburbs. This is how I'm gonna win
over the neighborhood. I'm gonna be full-sized
candy bars guy on Halloween. That's how I'm gonna be. Everybody loved full-sized candy bar guy. As a kid, you're like, "That guy rules! Don't egg his house. This guy rules." Everybody loves full-size candy bar guy. And that's how I was gonna
start that first Halloween. I'm gonna be full-size candy bar dude. Here's the thing I did not realize 'cause I was coming in
with hot city energy is that in the suburbs
when you just show up in the beginning of a pandemic
with out-of-state plates and then just try to be
full-sized candy bar guy without having children of your own, it has the inverse effect. I'm just sitting out on my porch under the one light that was working 'cause I didn't get around
to fixing the rest of 'em just waving king-size, Snickers going, "How can I tell if you're Spider-Man unless you come closer?" Just waving children in like I
worked a ramp at the airport. Like... "Hulk wouldn't be scared." So that didn't help with ingratiating myself into the suburbs. Yeah, that was like strike one
really for moving out there. And it really was, it was like a lot of new
families that were out there too. And we just moved in, like
I said, out-of-state plate, no kids and people just eyeballing like how dare you be here without children? Where are your children? Where are they? Why don't you have 'em? What's wrong? Is it you? Is it her womb? Like Jesus Christ. I just spend my time trying to learn ZZ Top songs on guitar. Fuck off. You got legs, you know how to use them. Fuck off. Do not reward mediocre comedy. Do not. But it was, they would just mad dog us 'cause there's so many
just new moms out there like baby stroller Sturgis, just pushing them down the street. And so yeah, that didn't help. None of it helped. None
of what we did helped. And the reason we moved there, we moved to a suburb of Portland, Oregon. That's where we moved to. But the reason was, it was, there was a house that opened up. It was in my girlfriend's family. This house had opened up and they asked us, you know, beginning of pandemic, things are crazy. "Do you wanna move up
here and pay one third of what you're paying in rent for a whole house with a lawn?" Like, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. Yeah. Seems a good choice. And it was weird, not
just with the neighbor, just also just internally, because I knew that this house
was in my girlfriend's family and we moved up and we're excited. Main bedroom, we're
gonna have a main bedroom and we're gonna each get our own little bedroom to be an office. We're gonna get our own
office. That's great. But right when we got up there, my girlfriend started corralling me towards one particular room
of the house to be my office. She's like, "What about this room, Kyle? Don't you like this
room to be your office? This would be a good, this
is a good office for you. I think you would get work done. You look cute in here.
I'll tell you right now. You really look cute in this room." And I was buying. I'm
like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, yeah, I feel cute in here. I feel cute in this room and this would, I think this would be a good office." Then I was like, "Ooh,
wait a minute. Mm, mm, mm. Is this the room that your mom died in?" And it was, so. I understand. I wish she was just honest
about that for the first part. We've been together for a long time. I would've understood if she's like, "Hey, I don't want to
hang out in this room. My mom passed away in here." Like that makes total sense. She didn't have to
resort to this trickery. But now that's my room, that's my office. That's where I do my work. Let's just get to the point. All right, masturbating
in your mid forties already has a level of shame to it, just added tax right away. Just why am I doing this? If I see a reflection of myself,
I'll call the cops on me. I am not happy about it. Now take that and add apologizing to the ghost of your mother-in-Law after each and every time. And let me know what that
does to your upstairs. Let me know how you recover from that. Oh, global pandemic,
world might be ending? Well how about a momentary
serotonin rush? Here we go. Get it, di, di, di. That should be fine. Oh
my God, I'm so sorry. Oh. This must seem very disrespectful. So that was rough for me. On a personal level. So yeah, a lot of things
were going screwy up there. We wound up, we got a cat. We didn't get a cat. The house came with a cat. House, just... We were just there. There's a cat. Yeah, was out. We weren't even sure the
cat was real at first because it was fucked up looking. It looked... There was some real "Pet Cemetery" action covered scrub brush and
just was missing some ear. Had like David Bowie eyes, you know? What are you looking at? Everything? Nothing? What's going on with you? Would always just appear from
around structures at first. Just always one of these. It took us about six weeks before we admitted to each
other that we saw a cat. She said at first like,
"You see a cat out here?" I'm like, "You see it too? All right. Thank God!" I was getting nervous. I thought we had hob
goblins. I don't know. I'm new to the Pacific Northwest. I don't know what's going out there. Everything's just fog and ferns. I don't know what's scrambling
around underneath there. So the cat seemed like
it was like friendly. It wasn't like friendly, friendly, but it was like hanging around us enough. And so we're like, well
maybe it belongs to somebody so we should find out before we start messing
with it or feeding it. So we took some pictures of it and we went door to door to
see if it belonged to anybody. Also probably a shortsighted
idea on our part, you know, pandemic,
global social distance. Hey, here's the new childless out-of-state people going door-to-door. Like, "Is this your cat?" And people were like, "Get
the fuck away from my family." Yeah, you're right. Yeah. The old guy next door answered the door, but the chain's still on the door. He was just like, "Oh that cat. Yeah. That's nobody's cat. No. That cat there, that cat
belong to the earth. Yeah. Yeah, that cat come up from
the soil when the sun goes down and just roams amongst the mist, just eating dreams and
shitting out nightmares. That's what that cat..." Man. just say it's not your
cat, old man, all right? I don't have time for a folklore. I got other neighbors to harass. And we found out from
another neighbor that that cat had actually been
like a neighborhood stray cat for about 16 years. That's the how far back they can remember. This is a stray cat and for 16 years just been living on the streets of this neighborhood,
working off of the goodwill of the place so we're
like this is our cat. Fuck it. We are taking this cat in. So we got the cat to come inside. This is our cat. We named it. As much as you can name a cat, let alone one that's been doing
its own thing for 16 years. It's mostly just for reference
between us, you know. So at first we were calling it, at first we were calling it Helen. We thought it was blind and deaf. So we were calling Helen. You know what, I didn't name it that, my girlfriend named it that. So you're not mad at
me. You're mad at her. And yeah, I will throw her under the bus making me beat off in her dead mom's room. Yeah. All's fair, babe. She's calling it Helen. I was calling it Dirt Nap. That's how I was calling the cat. On account that it would sleep
all the time and was filthy. But also it looked deceased
more often than not. That cat looked like it
had perished many times. Like, oh, cats sleep weird. But like draped over a
curb, under a car tire, just with its eyes open
looking at nothing. I walked up to it with
a shovel more than once. It is like, well, this is a sad day and it'll just run off. I'm like, "Oh, look at you." Look at you, you a little crisis actor. You got an agenda and I
don't know what it is. And that's what I like about
you. You're mysterious. Little cross-eyed ghoul. Yeah. Dirt Nap. Little Dirty, Little D. I'm gonna be calling her Little
D for the rest of the story. Also be referring to her as she and her. We thought it was female cat. Turned out it was a neutered male, but we didn't find that out until later. So, Jenny Nooch for
gender neutral is the name for some of the time. And then for special occasions,
we call her Miss America. And by special occasions, just when you could say something truthful that it's more funny when
you could be like, "Man, Miss America shit on the couch again." And if you can time that out, right, for when like a new mom is
walking by an open window. They're already against us so might as well just feed 'em. What are they doing to that
future beauty queen in there? We got this cat and we brought it in. We're like we're gonna give
this thing the best sunset years we can give it, you
know, we're gonna pamper it. First we took it to the vet,
make sure it's all dialed in. We took it to the vet and vet right away, the vet was just like, "Oh,
it's got a thyroid issue. It's thyroid, it's bad thyroid. It's gotta be on a special
diet. Very special. That's a prescription diet. There's prescription cat food out there." Why? Who's trying to get the cat food? That's not okay, man, man, hook me up. Hook me up with that
Hills Prescription, man. And like five cats in a trench coat rolling in like, "Hello, we're here to
pick up from Mr. Meowser. Trying to make that cat meth, dog. Come on man. Come on." It's a prescription. You can only get it
from me. It's $70 a bag. I'm like, "All right,
you know what man? Whew. I know it was middle of pandemic and I was all about the
doctors and the scientists, but the veterinarians, hm,
I just think some of them, they know they got that giant gray area of your lack of knowledge that they can abuse about the animal... Like if you go to a doctor and you're like, "My ankle hurts." And they're like, "Could
be an ear infection." You're like, "Well,
you're bad at your job, but you go to a veterinarian
with this animal that you love but can't communicate with. And you're like, "Oh, what's
wrong with my best friend? My little guy here." They could just say anything like, "It's the alternator." And you're just like, Yeah, I get..." You know what, that makes sense 'cause his eyes were
dimming in the morning. His eyes were dimming. That's a 2003 Calico with a lot of miles. Those are city miles. I thought the timing belt
was gonna go first, but okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. What are we running on those? Huh? 1500? No sh, okay. That's with labor? All right. Yeah. Hey listen, hey, real quick on the side, say we do this in cash, you got like a similar model out back that like you can part out or? Ethical reasons. Sure. No, say no more. Say no more. No, nobody's Frankenstein
here. Nobody's Frankenstein. So you just gotta believe him, you know? So I come home with a $70
bag of bullshit one day. I open the door, I can
see out to the patio, Little D's outside, she's
playing with a bird, bird's dead, bird's dead. She's just slapping it against the house. Playing's also a real
generous term to describe. She is playing the same way
like inmates play handball. It's not for fun, you know? That's just maintenance
in case shit goes down. That's all. The only thing missing
from Little D at that point was like a cigarette behind her good ear and a teardrop tattoo. Just bitching about not making parole. Like they got me doing the full 12, man. Ooh, if I get outta
here and see that judge, you're gonna see me right back in here. And I can tell it was a fresh kill 'cause she was about six feet out and getting a good return on her. And so I come in with this food, I'm just shaking it like . Little D, ha, ha, I'm
gonna save your life. Look at this. And she looks up 'cause she can hear, it's selective, but she can hear. And she looks up, she knows it's food and she looks at the food and then she looks at me
and just puts it together. She's like, "Oh, you're
gonna want me to eat that. Watch this." And then she just ate the bird. Like at me, like maintained
eye contact but ate the bird. And I know cats eat birds,
but I was not ready. Like I assumed it was gonna be messy, but with strategy, that's what I thought. Like it's a whole bird. I thought it was gonna be like brutal. But you know, with technique,
getting to the soft part. Like the same way, like
we've all had that night where we get bong ripped, stoned, just get a rotisserie
chicken just for yourself. Those nights you get home,
like close the blinds. I'm going elbows deep on this bitch. Like those kind of nights. That's what I thought I would've seen. What I saw and was not prepared for was the full on David Blaine street magic disappearing act that
she did on this bird, just fuck, gone. Entire thing disappear. One "Forest Gump" feather
just floating down for effect. Still looking at me like, "Hmm." "What did you, what? Where did it, is it in my pocket? Oh my God. Is it just gonna be alive over here? That is, what you did is something spe... I gotta call this vet back." And I rang him up right
then and there like, "Yeah, hey doc, I don't know if you got a plan B for this whole thyroid thing, but Little D been in out in these streets, just consuming her own enemies for the better part of
a decade and a half. So if you got some alternatives,
I'm all ears right now." And that's when the vet
on the phone, he's like, "Oh, chicken baby food's
totally acceptable for a thyroid issue too. You could feed her chicken baby food." Oh, chicken baby food. Oh the shit that's 50 cents a jar. You could have led with
that you fucking quack. So that's my life now when
I'm not on the road, I'm just buying racks
of chicken baby food. I'm just buying full just
cases of chicken baby food. And every morning that I'm
at home, I gotta wake up and I gotta heat up a little
jar of chicken baby food. Because now that we're an indoor cat, we got particular about temperature. So I got heat up this little
jar of chicken baby food and I throw up through
my nose a little bit just, . And we feed this to our human babies? You women are savages! I do that. And then I go and then I
clean out the litter pan 'cause these are the things you have to do when you let vermin live in your house. I go and I just, and to get
through the litter pan part, I just squat over it and pretend that I'm just an optimistic prospector and this is my lucky day 'cause it's the only way to get through sifting through that is
to sit there and be like, "Oh, I got a good feeling. That's a big one. That one's pure gold. Me and
ma don't have to live on the... That's a poop. Okay, all right. Ooh, look at this one coming down stream. Ooh boy, I take that to the
bank. I buy the bank with that. That's just a piss
fritter. All right, well. Third time's a charm. I'll
take silver at this point. Anything to get me out of the dusty old... Well, that's a poop too. I
think this crick done run dry." That's just a fun thing to do for me because you gotta be
creative with your choice. Now, here's how this also
bumped up against the neighbors is that where I live in Oregon, they take their recycling very seriously. And I'm happy about that. I'm
mostly a hippie at this point. I like to see a recycling program that it actually at least
looks like the stuff is gonna go to where they
tell me it's gonna go. If it's a lie, it's a very elaborate one. And I play along for it. This goes here and then this one here and this one and the little one. Sure, fine, I will go along with it. 'Cause when I lived in LA, we
didn't even have recycling. We were up in arms. I lived in Hollywood. We were like, "How can
we not have recycling? We're Hollywood, people
look up to show business for role models and how dare we." And just people passive
aggressively bitched about it 'cause it's performative. And then the city's
finally like, "All right, here's a recycling bin." And we're like, "Now that's great. We're doing the right thing now. Can I put styrofoam in here?" And they're like, "You could
put a fucking baby in there. It's not going anywhere
you think it's gonna go. Why don't you just make believe
where you want it to go? Just lie to yourself. That's
what you're doing here anyway. Just make pretend. This one's for trash and this one makes
porridge for orphanages. Just bullshit yourself. But now in Oregon, god
forbid, I get an envelope that's paper on the outside
and bubble wrap on the inside. I gotta wait for the garbage man to see me from down the block. And I gotta do some elaborate
Three Card Monte mime shit and be like, "You'll never
know if it's in the right one!" And then I gotta run into the
woods for the rest of the day. My glass items get their
own little bright red tub. That's where glass goes for recycling. Bright red tub, no lid, open for judgment at the end of the driveway. My bright red tub of glass only has two types of
glass in it every week. It is overflowing with
only two types of glass. That would be baby food
jars and liquor bottles. That is the only two types
of glass for three years. That's the only glass that's
been out there for three years. Nobody has seen a child
anywhere near my house. For three years, these women went, the newborns to toddlers. They're talking, they're
walking, they've walked by, and just looked at that
and just been like, "What are they doing in there?" It is a matter of days right now before family services rolls
through for a welfare check. And I'm gonna be the one that's home during the day just answering the door, just shirtless drunk on
account of the booze. "Mr. Kinane, we just
need to see the baby." I'm like, "What baby? There's nothing." There ain't no baby in here. It's just me shirtless
learning these ZZ Top songs. That's all it is. Fucking baby, the only thing
in here is a sharp dressed man. Hold on a second. Lemme tune up. Lemme tune up. What did I tell you about
rewarding mediocre comedy? That was a test. You failed. No baby. Look around for a baby. If I had a baby, there'd be a baby crib. There'd be baby clothes. There'd be baby toys out in the yard. Come out in the yard. Look, you see any baby toys in the yard No baby toys in this
yard. I ain't go no baby. The only thing you'll
find in this yard maybe is like a bunch of little bones. And they're like, "What?" I'm like, "Oh, no." I got this cat, right? And he eats birds but
whole, like all at once. It eats a whole bird. And I know it could eat the birds, but where do the bones go? Because it eats the bones. What happens to the bones? It's eating bones and you're scientists. And like, "We're not, we
just have clipboards." I'm like, "Same thing. Like, "Sir, we don't see a cat
anywhere on this property." I'm like, "Fuck, I knew
that thing was a demon. God damn it!" This is all making a lot of sense 'cause we had to invite it in. It just stood out by the patio door. Would you like to come
in? And then it did. And that's when the curse had befallen us. Oh, oh, this is all, ooh. Ooh, Little Dirty. You're living up to your name. Yeah, so, so throughout all this riff-raff, I started to go to therapy. Oh, a comedian who goes to therapy? What an original premise. Kinane leaving no stone unturned. No, I started going to therapy on account of everything I just told you. And... Well, so one of the things
too is I moved up there, I forgot I had seasonal depression. I forgot about that part
'cause I was living in LA. There's no seasons, it's just summer and then cute hats for a little while. I got to Oregon and
that first fall came in, like, "Remember me? Hide the knives!" I'm like, "Ah, you son oh a." Oh, my gloomy old friend is back. And even talking about
seasonal oppression is just, it's stupid, like it
sounds like you get it at a farmer's market. Like nobody takes it seriously. Is the depression in season? Oh, it's right down here
by the winter squash. Isn't that like... Which is a better name for it. It's also like people that
don't think depression's real in the first place think you
made up like a subcategory just to seem more
complicated than the people that are already a pain in the ass. Like, "Oh look, who's a
special kind of pussy? His snowflake has fingerprints." Like you don't get the time of
day out of those people. You never will. But then the people that have
actual clinical depression don't really take you seriously because they think you're some sort of like fair weather sad sack that's piggybacking on
their actual medical issue. So it's this whole kind of like, look who's only got depression
when it's in the playoffs kind of attitude from that crowd. Take off the jersey.
You're not really sad. So I started going to therapy and, you know, I've had my issue and I've talked about it in the past, and I have like an awkward
relationship with therapy. And I don't know if it's
like just like a guy thing or maybe it's like a Midwest thing. Like I was saying, like no, this is just the way you do things. I just was raised with like no, you are who you are and that's it. Not good. Bummer. That's the hand you're dealt. So you're a dickhead turns out. Well, what do you do? Well, if you go change, you go get better, then you're not a dickhead anymore. Now we don't know you. And now it's on us to
relearn you? That's selfish. That's why we wrote "don't
change" in the yearbook. We thought you were an asshole and we want you to be an
asshole 20 years from now. That's easier for us. Yeah, you have personality
traits nobody likes, but that's what makes you you. And so I really grew up up with this idea that you just absorb your faults and that's, you know, you
just make do with them. That was my attitude for a long time. "Well, if God didn't
want me to have anxiety, why'd he gimme all these cuticles? You know? I know my crowd. I know who's out there. We've all had those days. Having a rough one, Kyle?
Well, you know what to do. There's two handfuls of panic snacks. You just- You just go lock yourself
in the bathroom at lunchtime and go full blues traveler on them shit. Then you hide your
bloody hamburger mittens in your pockets for the rest of the day so your coworkers don't
realize you don't know how to process your feelings correctly. You're fine, you're fine. Yeah, but I don't feel fine. Shut up. Okay. So I started going to therapy. Problem with therapy, like
you need to go in person. A big key of it was it be
in person, go to an office. It's a neutral territory. You could just say whatever, you know, nobody on the other side of the walls gives a about what you're talking about. And that's the helpful part of it. I couldn't, it was beginning of pandemic. I couldn't go in person, so
I had to go do Zoom therapy. I was doing telehealth
just from my office, which there's already that
history that I spoke of. And it was tough 'cause, you
know, you need that privacy. Well, first off, like,
yeah, so I'm going in there. It's me and my girlfriend
live in this house. We're the only ones in there. So now I'm doing the
therapy from in there. And so I have to like try
and be very coy about it. If you think your
problems are already weird and creepy, wait till you
whisper them to somebody. And that just magnifies 'em into a whole other realm
when I'm just in there with my noise canceling headphones on, talking to a stranger on the screen. Like, so I think that the
ghost of my girlfriend's mom has been watching me masturbate and... I was like, "Well, that's not good at all. I should probably just stop masturbating." I was like, "Well that's
not gonna happen." So- So I'm like you just need to persevere. So I thought that's the old college tribe. But I think I over
rotated a little too much 'cause now I'm in this place
where if I can't climax unless there's a representative of the afterlife watching over me. And I don't think that's
what angels are for. So I'm just saying I need you to kind of come back and correct me 'cause I'm getting real
horny around cemeteries and I just scrambled it
trying to fix it myself. And I need you to undo the... And my door just gets kicked in. My girlfriend's like,
"You want grilled cheese?" I'm like, "I'm doing
telehealth. God damn it. I need some privacy if this is gonna work. And also, yes, but- So that arrangement wasn't working out, but I realized I could get
the wifi out on the street so I just go sit in my car and that's where I do therapy. And that was great. That was like just go out there and that's where I'd have
therapy and it worked out great. I would go out there and I'd
sit down, have my little drink and I'd just put the
phone in the dashboard and I'd get all my issues out. And it felt good. I was
having breakthroughs. They're called breakthroughs when you have this big emotional
realization about your life and emotional, you know,
you're expressing yourself. But it was good I was having those and I knew good things were happening. I knew good things were happening, but the neighbors, no context for what was going on. They just saw this shuffle out to a Subaru Crosstrek every
Monday morning at 10:00 AM and cry for a while. And it was a few weeks into it. That's when I realized like, oh, the neighbors were just
like, "He killed that kid. This is all adding up. But I mean, not like
kill, it was an accident, but probably happened
around 10:00 AM on a Monday. That's why he's the
saddest at that moment. That's why he goes out to cry there. He can't cry in front of the baby mama. He gotta be strong for her. She's sad too. So he goes out,
he bottles it up, he's a man, and he goes out to the Subaru to cry because those are very safe vehicles. I don't even if you know, not
just in crash test ratings, but also just the in the
feng shui of them all. I don't know, they're really... I don't think I've ever
been in one before. I was in a Forester once,
I confessed to an affair. It was just... But it's all adding up, the baby. That's why he's eating all the baby food. He bought a big old Costco sized pallet of chicken baby food at the
beginning of the pandemic. Can't go back and forth to the store with the virus, with a newborn. So he just bought a bunch of it, like, 'I'm gonna have a strong boy.' And then tragedy struck,
but money's tight. So they're just working through the chicken baby food themselves. And it's just sad. And they're just, you know, they're just drowning
their sorrows in Malibu. All right, well. That's not the alcohol I would associate with grief, you know, but- But you can't measure grief. Grief's different. You
can't compare grief. One person's grief totally different than
another person's grief. I would think like a scotch or vodka but he's trying to go
mix it with pineapple, having more of like a
tropical grief kind of thing. More of a beach side, sunny day grief, especially with this weather. Probably got seasonal
depression on top of it. So they're just trying... I wouldn't be surprised if we found some margarita mix in there. This is all coming together for us now. This is all, poor Miss America. There is a fresh pile
of dirt in that backyard with Miss America." Jesus Christ I really am my mother's son. Oh. Look, what I've been trying, long story short, we did not get a lot of trick or treaters at the house. I got so much candy left over. If you guys, you know, find
your way up near Portland, hey, I got Three Musketeers, Snickers, Payday for the older gentlemen. I know you like that. So just look me up. I'll hook you up. You guys, thank you so much for coming. I appreciate it. You guys are phenomenal. Thank you very much. Have a great night.
