How y'all doing? Y'all good? Audience member:
Yeah! Oh, man. Thank you all so
much for coming. Oh... You guys, uh ... ready to be offended? Audience member:
Yes! No, don't fucking say that. And then go on
Twitter afterwards... Like, oh Matt has some
opinions of his own and end my fucking
career. Okay?! Just wanna have a good
time tonight, alright. Comedy almost isn't fun. Okay. Having to adhere to
everybody's sensitivities. Since when? That shit is so new. Remember, like three years ago
when no one gave a fuck about how you felt? Like three years ago
if you were in public and were like: “I don't like..” a stranger will come
up and be like, “Shut up, bitch!” and punch
you in your chest. Like, ahh! Now I hurt on the
outside and the inside! Ahhh! I feel like we've gotten so
sensitive as a society, man. We've gotten so soft... Like fresh-out-the-pool-dick
soft... Only the fellas understand that
you get out that cold water, you don't even recognize
yourself anymore. You're like: Who's dick is this? Who put a baby dick on me?! That's how I feel like we are,
as a society man just on soft. It's exhausting. So I'm glad we could
all come together for a night of laughter. It's good to see y'all. black people good to see y'all. White people sitting in the back,
how's it feel? Well you're smiling, good. I'm glad you're in a good mood. Did you say sorry today? Did you say sorry to
a black person today? Get your Venmo out right now. Cash app every black
person in here $5! Gets you through the
rest of the show. We're going to get these
reparations one way or another. Okay? I'm sorry it took so long. I just got here. Alright? Y'all got to learn how to take
bitcoin or something, But we gonna figure it out. Oh, white people been so sorry
in 2021, haven't they? Oh, my God. It's been my favorite
show to watch. Just white people trying to
out woke each other in front of black people. Because it'll always
start reasonable and then just gradually
get out of hand like white person number
one will start low. Well, you know, I
voted for Obama two times in a row. You're like: alright,
solid politics. Okay. Now white person number
two has to top Obama. So he's like, That's crazy. I was just talking about
how Jesus was black and... You”re like: Yeah,
well, walked on water, probably couldn't swim... It might check out. Now white person number
three is going to top Obama and black Jesus. He's panickin' he says
some ignorant shit like: Well, Madea's my
favorite franchise! You're like: Gotcha! Liar! Madea is nobody's
favorite franchise, Not even black people's.
Okay you are reaching. I think it goes Soul Plane
then Madea movies. God. Arrgh! It's all
this white guilt! It's heavy. It's starting to feel like
alcoholism a little bit. And like every room
I enter is like a AA meeting where I
got to plead my case. I feel like I have to
enter every situation Like: Hey, guys,
my name is Matt. Just want to introduce
myself, let you know I do identify as a
straight white male. And everybody's like: Boo! Your like I know I
know I'm trash, but I would really appreciate it if you use my proper pronoun: “The problem.” What an uncomfortable time... to be a straight white male. It's a tough time for my people. For once. You know? It's... you gotta know when to fold
them, you know what I mean? We stayed in the game too long, can't be doing that. Coming
back to haunt us. Hard. Rightfully so. It's just uncomfortable because to be a straight
white male in 2021, you're kind of guilty by
association, aren't you? Which is a shitty place to be
if you didn't do anything. Like I just turned 25. I just got here. You know what I mean?
Like I didn't do anything. I'm a new white! Like, give me a chance... Give me a chance to
white my wrongs. You know what I mean? Like... I just want to sing along
to some songs, you know what I mean? Just give me a chance.
It wasn't It's not my fault. It's not like I made the
conscious decision to be born a straight white male. I probably would have... Historically speaking, why
not be on a winning team, you know what I mean? But I didn't get to choose,
it wasn't my decision. Therefore, I can't... I can't apologize for it. That'd be weird. And you don't have to. That's the thing. You don't
have to apologize for it. Just be a decent
fucking human being! Is that too much to ask? Listen to the sound
of white guilt, ah... music to my ears. I don't have to
apologize for it. And I won't. I'll apologize for being
born a straight white male when LeBron James apologizes
for being six foot nine. Didn't choose this life... just happened to
be born that way. Right? And they both have their
own set of perks, don't they? Like, sure, he can do
a fucking windmill... 360 dunk, and I... can raise my voice to the police So it's. It's a give and take,
you know what I mean? Like, I'd love to yam
on a motherfucker, but I guess I'll just get
out of this ticket. Gotta choose your
superpower, man. Life ain't fair for everybody. Okay? Make white people
uncomfortable: check! I'm so happy to be
shooting this in L.A., I love L.A.. I love it because
I'm not from here. So I have perspective. I'm actually from Ohio. Yeah, that's right. That felt as welcoming
as it should have. If you've never been to
Ohio, you don't gotta. You absolutely don't.
I don't care who died there. Send an email. Okay. You do not have to go. It's so trash. Oh, my God. I'm not even from, like,
a fun part of Ohio. I didn't get, like, Cleveland
or Cincinnati. Nothing fun. I'm from the middle of nowhere, like hour west of Columbus,
surrounded by cornfields. Country. “The Sticks,”
we call it. Population like 1500 people. Like the kind of small
town where like the gas station's, also
the grocery store... You know what I mean? Fuck
around get some sandwiches and some diesel.
You here? Why not save a trip? My hometown was so country, man. We used to have... We used to have Drive
Your Tractor To School Day. I swear to God. Do you guys remember
school spirit week? Where like every day of the week would have a theme to it, like
Pajama Day or Twin Day. We would have one
day in that week when like the rich
kids will pull up and just fucking flex on us. John Deere style. And the women in my school would
just get wet like, Oh my Lord, he's got land! Cuz that's all. people cared about where I was
from was fucking farming, Like you didn't need eight
inches if you had eight acres like that was that was the biggest flex
you could come with. You compete with a farmer. If he's plowing land,
he can plow your bitch straight up like there's just
nothing you could do. Nothing you could do. But it's the type of small
town where, like, life just kind of dissipates. You know what I mean, like,
everyone lives the exact same life timeline. Like, you, you. You go to high school,
you get pregnant, then you graduate maybe. And then you get a job, get
married, and so on, and so forth then you die in this hometown,
it's depressing nothing to do, nothing to do for fun there. Everybody just drinks
and does drugs, but not cool like we do it, you Theirs is because they're sad. So depressing, man. I didn't realize drugs were
as big of a problem when I was living there. Apparently it's gotten worse. I found out about three
or four weeks ago this kid who I went to school with he's like two grades
older than me. We didn't know each
other too well. But there was only like
300 people in a school, so we kind of know each other. Found out like three or four
weeks ago, this kid, um... OD'd from heroin in this town at his job. The same job he got when
we were in high school. He lived and died there. And obviously the whole
town got together and they mourned the
loss of their dealer and, no, guys, don't get weird, There was ... no, there's a
silver lining moment. The whole town, I swear to God,
they started a Go Fund Me and they raised enough money
so that they could get him a memorial bench at his favorite park, which I thought was a really sweet
memento, you know, to provide other people seating to do their heroin. I've never done heroin,
but I imagine you want to sit down. Okay, whatever you
guys don't know him. Okay, I'm just giving
you a little perspective that I could have
been a bench! Okay? but I'm not. I'm nothing like where I'm
from. It's so weird. I'm good looking... I don't like it any more
than you guys do. Okay, this is not
good for comedy. Okay, and it's so
weird for me. My looks are so
confusing to me because you guys haven't
known me my entire life, so you have no context
of this. But... this shit just happened. Puberty hit me so
disrespectfully late. I was ugly as shit for the
first 22 years of my life. I was so ugly for so long. If I would have
been on Wayfair, they would have returned
me immediately. Like I was so ugly. No don't, “Oh..”, okay... I spent the first
22 years of my life building a personality for what? You think I need
to be funny now? No, it's a fucking waste
of my time, to be honest. It's gotten me nowhere. And it's so weird because
when you spend so much of your
life as one thing and then you're drastically
changed into something else overnight, it fucks with you emotionally like I still it's still so new
to me that I don't quite grasp it. It doesn't- I don't
see myself that way. Like I know I look like
every fuck boy ever, but I do identify
as a ugly person. So um, I think that does
technically make me trans Trans handsome—trandsome. Yeah. We till we
get our bathrooms. It's gonna be all mirrors. Bunch of pretty
people doin' cocaine. It's gonna be dope, and
y'all can't come. And it's so weird, man. It's such a drastic lifestyle
change too, because people treat you so differently. Nobody likes attractive
people, right? You assume their
lives are easier, like there's no sympathy
for pretty people at all, which is another thing you guys
might not know about me is I have clinical depression
and an anxiety disorder and you guys are just
waiting for the punchline. That's how fucked up it is, that I could come up here
and vent to y'all. Basically being like: Help! And y'all are like:
Get your cute ass outta here! It's not funny. Awesome. Okay, it's so weird. There's no sympathy
for pretty people. No one gives a fuck
how sad you are if you have high cheekbones.
At all. People act like I don't have
any problems at all. I could be crying my
eyes out in bed and people are just like, wh-... what could you possibly
be so upset about, huh? I bet you're just swimming in
pussy and it's like, Yeah, but you know what? I'm not swimming in?
Self-confidence! Security. Believe it or not, someone
who listens to me I can't even hang myself because my jaw line will
cut the fucking rope and I'm just on the ground. Handsome. Even if I did die, it's gotta
be a open casket. People like God damn, he
looks good in a suit. That's really nice. That's ... blue was his color. That is nice. There is no sympathy
for pretty people. You guys are lucky. Count your blessings, uggos... Shit ain't sweet up
here either. Okay. Everybody's dealing with shit. I just want you
to remember that. Remember that. Next time you're in bed
having the worst day crying your eyes out Your friends are by your bedside
or blowing up your phone. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Is there anything we can do
to make you feel better? What's wrong? Just remember it means you're ugly. I don't make up the rules. Okay. I'm sorry if you were
cute they'd be like Get up bitch we're
going to the club. 3 milly rocks be
right back to it. No problem. But... rules are rules. It's weird because
it's given me, um... It's given me the
perspective of... not judging people
based on how they look. I'm a big fan of that. That's why I like the masks. Love it. You don't know who's ugly
with a mask on, do you? It's kind of a fun
game to play, isn't it? Just walking through
the grocery store like, Does this bitch have a beak?
Like you don't know... You don't know what
people's situations are, you got to get to know them
before you can judge. Like you wouldn't be able to just assume I'm a
douchebag if I have my mask on. You have no basis. I can walk into any Starbucks
with my mask on. They would just think
I'm any random lesbian. You know what I mean? I could be anybody. Could be anybody. I go in they're like: What's
your name? I'm like: Matt. They're like: You
are so brave... And the code to your
bathroom is... 4, 7... Man the masks made it so hard to
holler at people, didn't it? Because you don't know
what 60% of their face looks like that shit
was so dangerous. You ever talk to
somebody for a while? You're like, I got to know. You've got to come
up with some, like, cute, clever way to get them
to pull their mask down? Say some dumb shit, like... Have you smiled today? I feel like you
have a cute smile. Would you give me
a smile real quick? And you've been
chatting forever and she's been all eyes and
she's like, Oh, I don't know. I guess I could give you a la la la la la la la la la ... d God! Damn it! Oh, my God. I talk to you for an hour, I gave you my time. I had no idea. But I like ‘em. I'm a big fan
of not judging people based on how they look. Because if there's one thing
we all have in common, every single person
in this room, is that everybody's
going through something. Right? Everybody in here
is dealing with some shit that nobody else
has any idea about. I go through shit all the time. You guys would have no clue. Like one thing you
might not know is I have terrible luck. Bad random shit happens
to me all the time. And I'll tell you an incredibly
embarrassing and humbling story. I need a moment. I'm just thirsty. Uhh... Last year I had to have surgery... on my nipples. They're fine now. You can stop looking. Last year I ended up developing
this freak medical condition. Like this shit is so rare. It only happens to like 12-year-
old boys and 80-year-old men. And somehow I'm
both like, it's so rare. My doctor looked me in my eyes. I was like, I don't know
why this happened to you. I was like: First of all,
I'm up here. Second... don't not give me
an answer, okay? It's not very professional. It was this freak condition that
was causing the breast tissue, the breast tissue
under my pecs that... bench about 285, 8 to 10 reps... that's neither here nor there. It was causing the
breast tissue to grow incongruently under my nipples. Now, before your
imaginations start running fucking wild, let me shut
that down right now. Okay. Whatever image you're
drawing up in your head, get it out of there. It wasn't anything
drastic at all. If you had never
see me shirtless before, you would never
even know the difference. But you know your body, right? If something's off
just the littlest bit, you notice it more than
anybody else ever would. So it was it was messing
with me mentally. Like, I wasn't I wasn't
comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't comfortable
taking my shirt off. My Instagram was suffering. I was like, if it starts
messing with business You got to get it checked out. So I go to the doctor and he's like... Yeah, you got it. I'm like: up! And so, what do we do? He explains to me, that it's actually an
irreversible condition, meaning it'll
never just go away. You can't take medicine for it. You have to have it surgically
removed from your body. I was like, alright man, what's the damage on
something like that? And he explains to me that this
surgery is going to be $9,000, nine racks out of pocket, mind you, because
technically it's cosmetic. It's not life threatening. So insurance doesn't cover it. $9,000 in the middle
of the pandemic, which I don't know how much you
guys know about standup comedy, but this is the first
time I've been inside in like two years, man. I been performing in pickup
trucks and Kmart parking lots money has not been good to me. I definitely didn't have $9,000 to drop on something
that wasn't going to kill me. Breast implants are $10,000. So if you think my life
is just, oh, so easy and I have no problems at
all, you go home and you think about the dilemma
that I had to sit with by myself every night leading up to
this, like, god damn... Am I about to drop $9,000
on something that's ultimately cosmetic
and really only affects how I feel about myself and whoever it is
that I'm intimate with... Or do I drop $10,000... get these titties and clean up at the
women's Olympics Are you kidding me? If I go full transition, it
is over for you bitches. I don't even run
track and field. I'm placin' bronze guaranteed. Okay. I'm a decent looking dude,
but I'm a bad bitch. Straight up. Oh, I didn't need to
tell you all that. I don't have a sponsorship. Somebody gonna buy this, and
White Claw would be like: yeah, 60 grand. and Imma be like:
It's all here, bro. I don't know. I got nothing. I'll let you suck one
for 30 seconds, that's about... That was weird. Um... When I got this chin... I thought things
would be different. I thought things would be easier I thought dating
would be easier. No... Maybe it's me. I'm. I'm very picky. I'm so hard to date. I have such a specific type. I predominantly only
date older women. Just personal preference, like late thirties,
early forties. Oh my god, such
a sweet spot. Oh, Audience member in the back:
Woo! Well, not one's who
sit in the back... This bitch is wooing from
her handicapped spot in the parking lot. I also don't know if
you match the criteria It's got to be late thirties,
early forties, man... Because women are kind of
like Captain Crunch, right? Like they're the best
right before their gross Fuck y'all. That's a solid
cereal joke, okay? Because if you fuck
with Cap'n Crunch. If you fuck with Cap'n
Crunch, you know, it's a very fine window if it tears your mouth up
and it's oatmeal, okay? It's a very fine line. It's like 42, apparently. Who knew? Some of you are not laughing cause you sittin' there with
some grits, and that's fine. That's snitch on yourself. If you want to We have a little brown
sugar in the front row. Put your dash on it. That's how you holler. No verbal communication needed. I knew what that meant. Older women are so dope, man. Sometimes they got kids... which means they got snacks. I'm so easy, man.
I can't cook at all. I'll fuck you for a Lunchable. That's a fact. I'm so easy. Are you kidding me? If you have a crock pot,
I will shut shit down to the best of my ability. I don't know. I don't know who you
were dating before me or what they were doing. But I don't want to
make false promises because sex is hard. It is. Ladies, y'all have it so easy. Oh, never heard that before? I fully believe. I fully believe women have sex
so much easier than men. Audience member:
Woo! Oh, okay... one ho in the back just like:
Yeah! It just opens up... It's crazy. It just does its own thing. Dudes... dudes come outta
her pussy like this: I think it's so true! It's so much less work. All you technically
have to do is like... Mrh! You know
what I mean? Like... They... that's all...
Just be punctual. That's your only responsibility is to be on time, because
we will start without you. That's the only requirement. Do you realize... Do you realize as a man, like, there's a
certain level of excitement I have to get and I have to
maintain this excitement the entire time while I'm
focusing on a million things. I'm focusing on me.
I'm focusing on you. I'm switching positions. It's a full court press. The entire time.. You focusing so
much that sometimes... sometimes you go quick. If you fuckers leave me
hanging on this right now like I'm the only dude who's
—at my special! Y'all gonna disrespect
me like this Y'all ain't shit, man. Oh, oh. I'm the only person
ever to bust fast. Hilarious, you guys. Y'all ain't shit, you know that? It happens—to the
best of us, okay? It doesn't always
need to be a big deal. Be a big problem about it. Would you be mad if your
food came out early at a restaurant? No. You'd be like the
chef is killin' it! I got all this
time for activities. I don't cum fast. I just respect your schedule. Okay? I know you... I know you got to take your kids
to school in the morning, so... Sex is hard. The build up is fun, though... Like sexting... Sexting is the most fun. Oh, my God. Dudes love sexting. We're so good at it. Because we're just
lyin', the whole time. It's so easy. We lie so much. We
talk so much game... of what we can't
wait to do to y'all when we see you— we ain't
doing none of that. Ever. At all. We're like the J.K.
Rowling of dick pics like we just writin'
fairy tales... of shit we are never going to
do to y'all. Ever. We set the bar too high,
we say crazy stuff like ... like... Girl when I see you imma... Imma put you up
against the wall! Imma fuck you in the curtains! like you ain't fucking
nobody in the curtains. You've been to my
house, I got blinds You want me to
scratch my back up? Not very practical. I lied recently that's how the game goes... I was sexting with
this girl and like, I could see where
she was going with it, but like- it was just
rude of her to assume like... I was sexting
with this girl She was like... I'm only 103 pounds You could throw me around. I responded. As a dude. I was like, that's right! But on the inside I was like, That's... That's more than
you think it is, that's... Fellas back me
up on this. 103?! Get the fuck out. Oh, it's nothing? It's light work? Pick me
up, then how 'bout- How about fuck your lower back? How about that? I haven't done a deadlift
since 10th grade now fuckin' you's
gotta be leg day? Now I got to fuck you with one
of those weight trainer belts that Mexicans wear in
the gym for no reason? Mexicans be in the
gym doin' all arms got a whole back brace like, why you got jeans on? You said some people
didn't like that? Well... it is what it is! I know. I talk a lotta shit but I'm the problem. Uhh I'm... I'm well aware ... I'm so picky! I have a lot of red
flags that I look for. That's why, like, the first
date's always the hardest because you're look- ... I feel like like you're looking
for things to not like. And that's so tough because... there's a lot of
shit I don't like. I'll list a couple
of red flags for it and feel free to tell me if I'm
out of pocket for not being okay with some of these things. Red flag number one I don't fuck with girls
who go on boats. It's ho shit. I feel like a lot of
people in here have been cheated on... not on land. That's what it feels... But I'm happy to
have y'all's support. It's because it's
insanity to me. If you live in L.A. and you date a hot girl for
long enough, at some point this chick will come to you and
say something like, Babe, there's just this guy,
a friend of mine, who who wants to just take me and my eight hot girlfriends
into the abyss! Are you out of
your fucking mind? Why?! Wha- stay dry! Why? Like ... no! People. Get fucked. On boats. Boats. Were built. For fuckin'. Since the beginning of boats
people been fuckin' on 'em. B.O.A.T.
Bring Out Ass & Titties. It's been in front of
us the whole time. It's always been an acronym. My girl not gettin' on no boats. no kayaks, no canoes. no, no, no paddle boats. You're not working up a
sweat next to another man. I'm not dealing with it. That's why women
love Titanic so much. Because it's a beautiful
story about a chick who cheats on her man with a scrub... while her boyfriend
is on the ship! No. You say you like boats? Get out. Get out right now. You got big boat
energy right now and I'm not fucking with it. So that's the big one. Umm... Red flag number two: I don't fuck with Ouija boards. Obviously this only
pertains to white women. And you know what? This shouldn't even be a
story that I have to tell, but it's been weighing
heavy on my soul lately. So I'll, I'll let y'all in. A couple of years ago, I was doing a show at a
comedy club in Hollywood, and I get off stage, and this
beautiful girl comes up to me, gives me her number. This happens all the time. And ... kidding. She comes up to me, gives
me her number, she's beautiful. We go our separate
ways for the evening. The very next day she
texted me and was like, Hey... I want to come over. I'm like, Bet. Still got it. You know what I mean? So she comes over, I let her in, go sit on the couch, and
it's me and her on the couch. And then my roommate is
down the hall in his room. His door's open. You can't see into the
living room from his room. But he hears all of this.
He's a witness. So we sit on the couch
and for the first 2 minutes I'm asking all the
questions that guys don't care about, but we don't want to
come across too eager. So we ask silly questions like,
you know, you got a... a family or...? you know, those your real ears? You didn't get your ears done?
Like ... vague shit that we don't really
care about at all. So we're talking
for like 2 minutes. And then she hits me with, Yeah, umm... Do you have a Ouija board? I'm like, I don't even have a headboard. Nah, don't. Don't got that on me. Sorry. And she goes, Well, can we go to Target and get one? I'm like, No, I've got Disney+ that's what we're doing. And she's not giving up. She was like, Well,
can I make one? I'm like, What in the
demonic charcuterie... are you trying to bring
into my home right now... and ... I'm trying to hit? So I'm like, Yeah, sure. If you can find the
things in my apartment to make a Ouija board go. Go ahead--Biggest
mistake of my life. This stranger who I just met
starts ransacking my apartment. She's opening every cabinet, every cupboard, every closet,
going through everything. I don't know if you guys
have ever seen a video of when a deer
accidentally gets inside and it starts hittin' everything like it's never
seen walls before...? But she's going crazy. She finds a couple of
markers to write stuff down. She finds this little
glass piece to be, like the centerpiece. And she's like, That's how hard she's working. She's out of breath. We don't have something
to make the board. I was like, Damn, ya know, I... guess we got to
watch Monsters Inc. Why don't you just sit on down? And she goes, Hold on a second. So she gets up and she goes
over to the front door, she opens the front door
and she goes outside. And my roommate comes
down the hallway and is like, And I'm like, I don't know! So he goes over and slams
the door shut behind her. I laughed so hard, but again... There's a mission at hand. So I'm like,
Alright stop playin'. So I get up, I go open the door. It's been 4 seconds. I go, I open the door. There's nobody out there. She's gone. So I'm like, Hey! Ashley? I'm going to shut the door. And once it's shut,
it's gonna stay shut. You gonna be
stuck out here... I'm serious, Amanda! All right, so I go. I swing the door
and turn around. And straight out of a scary
movie this chick's foot BAH! Stops it right before close on the frame, I
was like, Jesus Christ! And here comes this chick lugging in this giant
piece of cardboard. I'm like, Where
did you get that? She goes, It was just
out there. Bitch, No, it wasn't. No, it was not just out there. So she brings it in, she sets it on the coffee table, and we both sit on the couch. I don't know where
it came from. I got it. I lift it up. It's from the TV box I
threw in the dumpster four days prior. This chick brought garbage back into my home
to summon the devil. So, you know the
sex is gonna be dope. She's fuckin crazy! I'm in.
I gotta do it now, you know what I mean? I mean, I never smashed
a homeless chick before, but she clearly brought
all of her things So she's like, All right,
you ready to make one? I'm like, I guess! Yeah... So she draws it out. And before I continue, does anybody not know
what a Ouija board is? Audience member:
Yeah. Really? You really don't know? Oh, man. Okay, well, first of
all, God bless you, You're so naive... A Ouija board is... Essentially it's a toy board
that you can get from any store like Walmart
or Target or whatever. It's, uhh... And people use it to drunk
text the dead essentially. That's all it's good for, and
it's a very simple layout. It has the... the alphabet right here, close, center,
middle of the boards. That's where, um... the centerpiece is
supposed to be guided by a spirit to spell
out certain words to answers that you ask it. So the middle is the alphabet,
right corner is "No" Left corner is "Yes" Alphabet left "Yes" "No." "Yes" alphabet "No" So she draws
the whole thing up and she's like, All right,
so there's a couple of rules. You have to know when you're going to play with
the Ouija board. I was like, Yeah, duh. I mean, everybody knows that. But refresh me again. She was like, Rule number one, you never play with
it by yourself. Ever. Okay, rule number two, you have to remember
to say goodbye because apparently you
can't ghost the ghosts. So she's like,
Alright, let's play. Okay. So got our hands on the piece and she's like, Alright
we gotta ask it a question. Alright go ahead!
Alright, umm... okay, is there anybody here with us? And you just hear my roommate
down the hallway go, yeah, his name is Brandon and he fucking lives here. Touché he pays rent... which do you? ...no. So she's like, Alright, I'll
ask it another question. Did anybody die here? Doesn't move. I'm like... This is crazy!... She's like, Uh, well then
you ask it something. I'm like, Okay, umm... Should we go lay
down in my room? Oh!... Oh!... Oh! Well we don't want to piss
off the dead, do we? She was like, You're right. So we go lay down
this chick brings the cardboard in the room with her. She sets it at the
foot of the bed like it's a golden retriever. Now we're under the covers We're doin' more makeshift conversation. You know, I'm uh- you got... dreams? Or... you know... what's your favorite
picture? Er, you know, just vague shit I
don't care about. And about like 4 or 5
minutes after this. She just knocks out, like, not a subtle, I'm starting
to feel a little bit tired Like, just straight. Yeah. And then, like, Zzzzzzz.... Like she is slumped. and now it's her asleep,
me under the covers, and I'm staring down just
terrified of this Samsung TV box and all I could think is this bitch didn't say goodbye! Now I'm terrified up by myself. I'm trying to wake her up. I'm like, Hey!... Hey... Allison? ... Hey! Great. She's asleep... Now I gotta play
with it by myself. So I start jerking off
and she wakes up straight out of an exorcism. And was like,
What are you doing? And I was like, Oh God! And I swear to God,
a spirit left my body and hit her right in the face. It was the craziest thing... I've ever seen. Oh, God. I never saw her again. I never saw her. To this day, I'm not convinced
she wasn't a ghost. Wouldn't surprise me. Uhhh.... That's why I can't mess
with young people. I really can't. She was 25, 26,
just put off of it. Makes me feel so much older. Dealing with somebody like that. I do feel older. I date older women. All my friends are older. I fucking hate kids so much. Kids... fuckin' suck, man. Oh, my God, they're so garbage. I don't like young
people at all, man. We just don't click.
I'm not on... I'm on none of the
apps that they're on. What's the what's the one app that literally
every kid is on it? No... Amber Alert? Every kid is on Amber Alert,
aren't they? It's like man ain't nobody
looking for you. How many followers you got? Enough for a search
party I hope. See, this is hilarious to me
because I can feel the hypocrisy radiating
off y'all right now. Like I'm the asshole. That's adorable. Okay. When's the last time you got an
Amber Alert on your phone and your first reaction wasn't,
Oh, shit, how do I turn this off How do I ... None of y'all are like, We gotta find these kids!! Not one person. Y'all haven't found a kid
since milk was in a carton. Okay, judge me? It's a terrible app. Is the worst app. It's vague... Like, Be on the look out for
2015 silver Prius like, Is he in my Uber?
Is this is a rideshare? Did I hit "pool"? The alarm's the
worst part. By far. They haven't changed the
alarm in like 30 years it's still the same Ehhh! Ehhh! Ehhh! I get so mad when that shit
goes off on my phone, I could be standing next to the
kidnapper, and be like, Hey!... Is it in the settings? I go to general? Notification... I closed out of the Wayfair app. You guys remember that? You guys remember
when Wayfair was ... sellin' other stuff? for any of you guys who might
not remember Wayfair, the furniture company in 2020 was accused of allegedly being involved in
human trafficking, and we forgave them pretty quick. Didn't we? They're killing it. Their business is
booming right now. Supplied the chairs y'all
sitting on right now. So if you could, please give a
warm round of applause for our sponsor, Bro, they came back hot!
With some deals too! They were like,
I'm sorry, five... Our bad, ten... I was like, Are these the
ages of the discounts? Like I just don't
trust you anymore. I don't trust you. It was bad, man. We found out as a people
we hate human trafficking, but not as much as we
hate an unfurnished patio. Am I right? Them umbrellas ain't cheap, man. I know it's not funny. It's not funny.
It's very serious. And I do feel very bad for all
the families affected by that. Obviously, I feel
terrible about it. But I especially feel bad for the dude who
just wanted a desk. You know what I mean? How many times have you got
the wrong order in the mail? And I- Now you got to get a crib, too? It's a lot of money
out of pocket. It's messed up, man. Can't support 'em. Don't support Wayfair. They're terrible. Not as bad as IKEA, but fuck IKEA. You kidding me? They're way worse. IKEA needs to come with a kid just to help put
that shit together. Somebody gotta hold these
sides, bro, God damn. Can I go home now? I don't know, man. That's a
lot of leftover pieces. You sure you didn't
skip any steps? There's always so many
leftover pieces after an IKEA project,
isn't there? You look at a final
IKEA piece like... I guess that's it. And then you find out
you messed up on step eight of 49
and you're like, I guess we just don't
have a bottom shelf. It is what it is. We'll... we'll put
tall stuff there... Guys, relax. Still me. Remember, the dude who's been
telling jokes for 45 minutes? Still just a joke. This is why comedy is the most
frustrating job in the world. It's because this is the
only job in the world that I would have to reiterate
to y'all what I'm doing. That I'm just kidding. I don't mean this shit that
comes out of my mouth. Rappers don't have to do that. Rappers are literally like, I fucked yo bitch!
And killed yo family! and y'all are just like,
Aaaahhhh!!! They don't gotta be like,
I'm just rapping. I'm just rapping, y'all. I wouldn't do nothing like that. I'm David. You know me. I wouldn't do nothing like that. So hypocritical, man. That's the one thing comedians
do have over rappers. Is freedom of speech. It's kind of like an unwritten
rule in comedy, right? You can joke about
messed up stuff as long as it's funnier
than it is messed up. And rappers don't get
that kind of leeway. It's not fair. Like if they admit to a crime, they did on beat,
they still go to jail. I don't think that's fair. Respect the artistry.
Give them a chance. Okay? I think if you can make a
doper song than the charges you're trying to beat,
you get to go home. I think that's fair. I think that's fair. All spectrums of crime, too. Can you imagine Ted Bundy in court? And they're like
You're going to jail forever. And he's like, Well,
wait til you hear this shit. It's a little song. I call, "I Eat The Pussy Up"
starring J. Dahms... Because he's a cannibal. Okay, that one was a tough sell. That's fine. I understand. See if we can get you
all back with something a little bit more levelheaded. We can all kind of
get on board with Gun control? Why not, right? Can't be worse than
the Wayfair shit... it is. This is way worse. If that one
wasn't your shit. Buckle up. This is a lot harder
one to tackle. Gun control is so
tricky because I... I see both sides. I do understand. I understand the amendment. Everyone's right to have a gun. That makes sense to me, especially when it comes
to things like protection or providing for your family. That makes sense. But at the same time... Everybody? Every- Not everybody
gets a gun... Right? That's crazy. You all know somebody
that you're like, this motherfucker should
not have a gun, right? It's so easy to be
irresponsible with a gun. When's the last time you held
a gun and didn't do this shit? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. People freak out every time. But no, don't!
Like, I wouldn't... But would I?
It's a timeless bit. That shit has been
funny for centuries. I think it's so easy to be
irresponsible with a gun that I think a simple interim
solution would be. It just needs to be a little
bit harder to get the gun. That's all I suggest. I think there's so many tiers to responsibility that you
should have to surpass before you can have a gun. That's all I suggest. And I'm not even
proposing anything difficult. Simple shit, like... If you haven't had
sex yet... straight-up... No gun. Okay, that is. That is way too much
power for you. How you gonna pull a trigger
before you've had to pull out? Like, that takes discipline. And I need to see you
in a moment of crisis. Okay? Can you handle the power? Do you realize if something as
simple as that was implemented? If something as simple as having
sex was a requirement for getting a registered firearm what kind of impact that would
have on the entire problem? School shootings would drop
off almost completely. Have you ever seen pictures of
these kids who shoot up schools? They are so fucking ugly. You kind of get it a little bit
like they weren't fucking. There has never been a handsome
school shooter that they were like, Ah! ... He was
gonna be prom king! Like, never, once, never. No one has time to write
a manifesto and get pussy. That's science. Okay? It's too much detail. Look, I'm well aware that school shooting is a very
hard thing to try to make funny. but we're gonna try. And I feel like I owe the
explanation as to like, why would I joke about
something this fucked up? And the reason being is it's sort of my
coping mechanism. I try to make light
of terrible situations, luckily through humor,
so that I'm not sad. Every fucking day. Because what's the
first thing you do when you wake
up every morning, you check your phone, right? Probably get on Twitter, some sort of news,
yeah, you get caught up. And doesn't it feel like there's
something negative, immediately. There's so much negativity in
front of our faces daily, that I can't imagine
living any kind of life where I don't have
an outlet for that. negativity it just
festers inside of me. It makes me a miserable
human being. If I have an outlet through
humor, I'm going to use it. You be miserable, not me. Now, I respect that that's
not for everybody. That's not how
everybody's brain works. Like, I had a woman
furious one time. She stood up in the
middle of a show one time when
I was doing some other school shooting
material and she was furious. She stood up and was like,
You shouldn't do jokes about school shootings. And I was like, Why? She was like, Because what if
it happened to you? Hm? What if you lost your kid in a
school shooting incident? Hm? Could you make jokes
about it then? And I was like,
Ugh... this bitch... Because it's like context, You know what I mean? It's a comedy show. Clearly, everything I'm
saying is hypothetical. Like, I'm not talking about
this in a literal sense, especially because I don't
have any fucking kids. Okay? So it's not something I have
to think about on a daily basis, but it's something I had never
taken into consideration. So it did fuck me
up a little bit. I had to take a step
back as a man and as a comedian and
actually ask myself, like, if if I lost my kid in a school shooting incident, could I ever make
jokes about it? And the answer is, yeah,
that's a hard yes for me. Okay. That is for sure how
I would heal through that traumatic experience.
Are you kidding me? Second of all, it's my kid
that's fucking fair game. Okay? There... there is no way I'm not
killing it at that funeral like... He was never good
at hide and seek! Like, come on, man,
that shit is too easy, bro. The kids don't play
the games anymore. It's easier targets. #bringbackhideandseek I like this topic
only because it's. It creates such
a divide racially between black people
and white people when it comes to the topic of
school shootings. Because it's usually us and black people love
to joke all the time. They love to be like,
oh, you know, it's all the white kids shooting
up all the schools... Shooting up the school is
a white kid's sport. Urrrr! I hear that joke all the time. Shooting up the school
is a white kid sport! It's funny. It's a good joke. Until you think about
the history of sports, because if I know anything
about the history of sports, it's that... if white people are
good at it now... black people are going to be
way better at it someday. Somebody gotta be Wilt. Somebody gotta come in
and change the game. Some of you are laughing
because it's fucked up and some of you
are because you're like, He's... he's right! They're gonna be faster. They're gonna be stronger. Aaand canceled. Awesome. Ohhh cancel culture. We got to chill out with the cancel culture stuff. We got to chill out. The spectrum is too broad. I don't have time to
care about everything because you make such
a big deal about nothing. That it takes all
of my attention away from the stuff we
actually should be canceling and actually should
be upset about. And it's so frustrating. Like just ... pick
and choose, man... and stop digging
up people's old tweets and
shit. Straight-up. I think it's the most bitchmaid
thing, you can possibly do because I'm a big believer that as times change, people change.
A lot of time for the better. Not always. Obviously there's exceptions,
but a lot of the times there's so many examples of it
in American history, in and of itself. You can look at someone like Malcolm X. Malcolm X spent ten years
in prison for robbery and larceny, got out, went on to
become a civil rights activist. That literally changed
the fucking world. Maya Angelou used
to be a prostitute Audience member:
Hehe! went on to be- What the fuck is so
funny about that? What white motherfucker
in the back... Laughing at what I read
in February, huh? Oh, he laughed like he hit. Like, you know what I mean? God damn... She was a prostitute. She went on to
become a poet, an author, another civil
rights activist that again changed the fucking world. Chance The Rapper... used to make good music. As times change, people change, Not always for the better.
I miss Acid Rap. That's all I'm saying. And the reason I wanted
to talk about this is because it happened to me...
few years ago. Somebody who didn't
like me went online and they dug up a bunch
of tweets of mine from when I was 15 years old
and when I was 15 years old, as I mentioned, I was born and
raised in the middle of bumfuck nowhere Ohio, like,
I didn't know shit about shit. I couldn't have
been more ignorant. And anybody who
says they didn't do or say some shit when
they were 15 years old that they shouldn't have done or don't regret ... is a liar. Okay, that's the
time in your life you're supposed
to make mistakes. So you learn from them,
you grow from them. You don't go on to make
those same mistakes when you're a responsible adult, Yeah? So when I was 15 years old, I was going back
and forth on Twitter with my best
friend Brendan. Now, Brendan and I have been
best friends since preschool. Since four years old he's my
next door neighbor. And Brendan also
happened to be black. So Brendan and I were going back
and forth on Twitter one day, and this is when
Twitter was like the group chat,
you know what I mean? You were just saying
crazy shit in there, because it was just y'all! You didn't think anybody was
going to care eight years later. So we were going back
and forth on Twitter, just roasting each other, right? He would say something. I would say something. He would say something,
I would say something. And then he said some shit
that really had me fucked up because when I was 15, I also had Ohio teeth. Like I had a big
gap in the middle, I had little gaps on the side. My teeth were fucked up. Then Brendan said
some shit like, you're the only person I
know who could eat food without opening their mouth. And 15-year-old me was shook, I was like, God damn, that's, you know, that's a
finisher right there. So the roast battle
was clearly over. So I conceded and
I have responded back with a very famous
Chief Keef lyric at the time, from the
song I Don't Like. So the conversation went, You're the only person I
know who can eat food without opening their mouth. And I responded, Fuck ... mmm... That's that shit I don't like. Now, if you're familiar
with the song, you would know I had
tweeted the N-word in the song lyrics to my friend,
and this was incredibly wrong. This was ignorant,
naive, and stupid. I wish I had never done it. And when this resurfaced people lost their
fucking mind, I'm sorry. White people lost
their fucking mind. They couldn't believe it. They thought I had
just gotten away with being racist
for eight years. They were like, WHAT?! You can't say that! You're not black! You're not in the
car, by yourself! Like they had thought I just
found a loophole in racism and squeaked through the cracks. And black people
couldn't believe... that I knew who
Chief Keef was. That was the biggest uproar
amongst the black community. They were like, He fucks
with Sosa? I had no idea... it was instant outrage
amongst the whites, okay... And this was such an
uncomfortable situation because white people
love to be offended... for other people. It's our favorite
extracurricular activity to be like, Ooooo! Oooo did you... Did you see??? They want you to be
upset about stuff you weren't even
initially upset about! White people are
like PC gladiators, just... Are you not outraged!? I wasn't... Now I am. And again, this is a very tough
position to be put in because white people have ruined every excuse in the book to get out of
being called racists. They ruined all of them. And fortunately
but unfortunately, I fit a massive cliché. If you or anybody watching were to take the slightest
glimpse into my life, you wouldn't have
to look far at all. You would see that all of my friends are black. All of them. There's one... There's others!
I swear... All of them are black. I have one white friend
and he's Russian. His name is Vladislav and I don't know how much
y'all know about Russians, but they're the black people
of white people, okay? They're so dope ... So... to my naïveté, I'm trying to state my case
to these strangers online who don't know who I am or
know anything about me, because from my perspective,
I'm like, No, like, what? What are you talking about? I'm not racist. If you look at the people who
I hold closest in my life, the people who mean more to me than my actual blood family, the people I love most and
would probably fucking die for. You would see
that they're black. Like what I did was
obviously stupid and wrong, but I didn't mean anything
malicious by it. I would never in my fucking
life mean anybody any hate or harm based
on the color of their skin. That's outrageous to me. And the most frustrating thing
about the entire experience and arguing with these
people online was that there's still people who
don't believe me. There's people right now,
I'm sure watching being like this is just
another white dude trying to get out of
another sticky situation. And I understand that. But at the same time, I also don't have
to convince you of a single fucking thing. I... I know who I am. I know I'm not racist. I know how many
times I've jacked off to Queen Latifah's Beauty Shop. Y'all seen it?
Y'all been sleepin' man. That shit is a classic. They
so goddamn fine in that movie. Ah... woo! So... this is when the conversation
got really interesting because the problem
shifted subjects the issue started with
a stupid mistake I made when I was 15 years
old, and it shifted, to white people now
being uncomfortable with my comfortability,
with black people like they were very
uncomfortable with it. They were saying
outrageous shit. They would be like, Oh, I bet you hang out
with so many black people so that you could justify
saying racist shit like that For real? That's how you think racism
and discrimination works? Alright, bet. So if I hate gay people, I'm out
here sucking so much dick just so I can be like, Eckh,
these homos are disgusting. Am I right? Up top! Oh my God, that's not how racism and discrimination works. I wouldn't put myself in that
situation, but they kept going. They got more and more ignorant. They're like, Oh, well, why do you hang out with so
many black people then, huh? What do you want to ... be black Fuckin'... A little bit. A little bit. It is so much cooler some of the Okay. Every white person wishes
they were black a little bit. Any white person who
says they don't is a fucking liar or a cop. Okay? Do not believe
that for even a second. Okay. But the silver lining of all of this is it made me
do so much reflecting like things that I had never
had to put any thought into because they were
such first nature to me. I actually thought about like I had never thought about why all of my friends are black. I had never thought about why
I'm so comfortable with black people or why I
appreciate black people so much. So I did a lot of
self reflecting on it and the conclusion
I came to is that nobody goes through more shit and still enjoys
life to the fullest more than black people. Nobody. It's so impressive to me and it's such a beautiful
way to live your life because everybody's going
to go through shit. But not everybody
can bounce back and still enjoy shit
to the fullest. And I think it's an absolutely
incredible way to live. This is going to
seem so dramatic, but I need you guys to take
it into consideration. Do you have any idea what it takes to have
this country literally built on your fucking back to this day still have to fight to be treated like a
decent human being and still have time to write a better version of
the Happy Birthday song? Have you all heard it?
That shit's incredible. They got a Drake
verse on there. It's incredible. Step your shit up,
white people. You had such a head start. It's absolutely amazing At its simplest form, it just comes down to common
interest and common opinion. The people who
you have in common interests and opinion, those are the people you
surround yourself with. Those are your real friends. Those are your real family. The world should
not be split into like, Oh, white people do this,
black people do this. If you tryin' to do something
that another culture does you're tryin' to do something
that you're not, like, that divides us, that
does not bring us together. And it doesn't even need
to be so cut and dry. It goes to all aspects of life. Comedy is like that. I'm supposed to come up here,
say some relatable shit. That y'all have probably kind
of already thought about. We make it funny. Now we have that
bond together, right? But there's still that judgment. Until we have that bond, like every time I walk on stage,
every dude watchin' is like, hmm-mmm, Absolutely not. I ain't got nothing in
common with this dude. He got bangs. I'm not going to
think he's funny, but as soon as I come up here
and say some relatable shit that we can agree, like... Who in here like big titties?! All those dudes are like, Well,
let's give him a chance. See... See what these titties
are talkin' about... Cuz we're not that
fuckin' different, man. Stop dividing people just because you're uneducated
or inexperienced, okay? That's why you're uncomfortable. That's why you come
across as so fucking corny. And that's why
you're not invited to the cookout. I'll bring the potato salad! Nooo I'm just kidding. I'll... I'll bring chairs. It's okay. Thank you guys so much. My name is Matt Rife. Thank you so much you guys. You guys are fantastic. Get home safe, please.
