- The next 18 messages
on my phone were dudes really trying hard
to fuck me. [laughter] Which by call seven
was getting flattering. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> [bell ringing] Oh.
[chuckles] Nicely done. Yes. Mmm. Mmm! [moaning] [piglet whining] <i> ♪ ♪</i> <i> [fork clatters]</i> <i> ♪ ♪</i> [whining] <i> ♪ ♪</i> [whining continues] <i> ♪ ♪</i> <i> Dawg, that was so delicious.</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> <i> He's my good friend.</i> You know him from the podcast "Legion of Skanks"
and "The Bonfire." Big Jay Oakerson! [cheers and applause] Oh, my story is a tough one. I'm baring my soul a little bit
here. - I'm not gonna be
the hero of this story. It's about cheating.
It's about me cheating. And I know generally I think of
myself as a pretty likable comedian. But once I start talking about
me cheating, I realize how white trash I
look. Like, it's very...
[laughter] I'm wearing knuckle gloves for
fashion. I have wallet chains. I wear a scarf in my back
pocket that a friend told me recently
they thought was an extra T-shirt I keep 'cause
I'm fat. [laughter] Definitely sending the wrong
message. [laughter] But this happened about
13 years ago. I got caught cheating. I was with my daughter's mother at the time,
and I was a 23-year-old fat kid doing comedy. And after a show one night,
I met a girl. Very pretty.
I was very insecure. It was no nice to have
this really cute chick walk up to me,
and she made an offer I kind of couldn't refuse. It was essentially... "Wanna fuck?" [laughter] You know, I was like, "Yeah. I would like to." And we did. And you know you're supposed to
with a girl who walks up
and says, "Wanna fuck?" After you fuck her, you make her
your long-term side girlfriend. [laughter] Which I went ahead and did. And I was seeing her
for a while, and it was a wild--a wild time. A lot of things
out of my wheelhouse. She was younger than me, and I was taking
naked pictures of her, she was taking
naked pictures of me, we're fucking in
all kinds of weird places. It was a good time. But I'm doing a bad, bad thing. And one day
I'm at the side girl's house, and as I'm looking through
my phone for something, she notices that her phone
number is under a fake name. And she goes,
"What's that all about?" And I was like, "Oh." Now, here's the mistake
I'm making in cheating. And I'm not encouraging this
or telling you how to do it... [light laughter] But if you do, you can't lie to both chicks. [laughter] One of them has to know what's
going on. I really... [laughter] I really enjoy--there's a girl
nodding her head like I'm giving a speech
about... [laughter] The fucking pipeline or
something. She's like...
[laughter] "Give those natives back their
land." [laughter] One of them's got to know the
truth. I was lying to both.
That's a mistake. So, when she goes,
"Why is my number different in your phone--
my name's not in your phone?" I was like, "Oh, yeah,
you know, when we first met, "I didn't remember your name,
so I put it in "as a different name. I knew it started
with an L." And she's like,
"Yeah, but it says 'Larry.'" [laughter] And I'm like, "That it does." [laughter] She's like,
"You're lying to me. Something's weird.
You're lying." I go, "You're crazy.
You're being crazy. "Let me show you
how not afraid I am to have your name
in my phone." I put her name as
her first name, my last name. And then I go home...yeah. [laughter] I go home that night, and like a real true
piece of shit, I put my cell phone
every night in my pillowcase. [laughter] I told you I don't look good. I promise I get mine at the end
of this. I usually turn it off, put it
in my pillowcase. Why would I tell my ex that? Because I don't like
to be bothered when I'm asleep. So I keep my phone off
and in my pillowcase. [light laughter] It was a terrible lie. But I didn't turn it off
that night. And in the morning, this girl--the side girl-- starts calling my phone a ton. And I'm sleeping
like a baby cherub. I'm so peaceful. She eventually--
my ex picks up the phone and sees this girl's first name
with my last name, and is like, you know, "I've never heard of
this cousin or auntie." [laughter] She goes ahead
and answers the phone. "Who's this?" "Jay's girlfriend.
Who's this?" "Jay's girlfriend." And then,
the nightmare happens. They have an hour-long
conversation about me while I am sleeping
like no one's-- I'm just scratching balls. Visions of sugarplums. [laughter] They talk for an hour. They figure it all out. My ex was in law school at the
time. That's important to the story,
because she woke me up by pecking me in the face with
a law book. [laughter] A very thick book, a lot of
torts, and... [laughter] That must have been civil law
or something. It was a lot. And she wakes me up. We have a terrible, terrible
argument, and everything blows up
in my face, and now two people in the world
absolutely fucking hate me. And I deserve that.
I get that. But the saving grace of my life
at the time was, I feel terrible;
I'm a human being. I know I've hurt people. But I'm like, you know what? I just remembered. I think the day after tomorrow,
I'm going to South Africa for three weeks. [stammers]
I get to get away from this for a little bit,
let the heat die down. And then that night, I got a
reminder on my phone that says I'm not leaving for
South Africa for an entire other week. So I've got to live in this
hatred for a week. And every day it's just two
people finding me and cursing me out and kicking
me in the nuts. I got the whole deal. And the nights were bad. I was drinking a lot. I have some weird stories from
that. I--I was driven home one night
by a midget. [laughter] I don't know if I knew him
before that night. I don't think I did. I just remember the whole drive
going, like, "How does he get those pedals?" But...
[laughter] There's these big wood sticks
that come up. It's freaky. The night before I left for
South Africa, I drunkenly got these two star
tattoos on my elbows right before I sat in the
middle seat of a 26-hour flight to South
Africa. Yeah, it sucked. [laughter] I'm in South Africa.
I'm very sad. Things are not going good
for me in my life. I'm bummed out. I'm there for about a week and I'm like, you know what? This is before the time of international cell phone
plans. This is calling card shit. So I go, "Let me check my
messages on my cell phone." And I dial up the numbers, and
I go-- it says,
"You have 19 messages." The first message is my friend,
Wayne, a gay man who lives in the
East Village of New York City, very gay. He goes, "Uh, hey, pal,
I was just cruising through Craigslist's
'Men Looking for Men'"... [laughter] "And I saw--I saw an ad with your name in it..." [laughter] "A naked picture of you--
and it is you..." [laughter] "With your phone number
and your TV credits." [laughter] He goes, "I don't know
if this is something that you wanted..." [laughter] "But I feel like it's not. So I'm gonna go ahead and flag
it for you." [laughter] I'm like, "Okay. "Wayne's gonna take care of
that. All right, Wayne's on the
job." [laughter] And the picture, by the way,
for the record? Me and this girl, she got out
of the shower one day-- the side girl-- in a towel,
and she flashed it open, I took a picture of her. And she was like, "No fair." And I go, "What do you want,
to take a picture of me?" And she goes, "Yeah."
So, jokingly, as I'm out of the shower, too, and I mean with real,
just-took-a-shower dick... [laughter] It's a picture of me,
full body, butt-naked, 70 pounds heavier with my arms up
in the doorjamb, really trying to
stretch it all out, just trying to get the best... If there was a centerfold of
"Fat Quarterly," that's what it would be. That's the fat Tom Selleck. [laughter] - Hell no.
- "Hell no" is right. [laughter] Whoever said that is right. It wasn't a flattering picture. However... the next 18 messages
on my phone were dudes really trying hard
to fuck me. [laughter] Which by call seven
was getting flattering. And some of those dudes wanted
to fuck me bad. I mean, they put in their... Steve--a guy named Steve--
called, like, five times. [laughter] And he called me "Bear,"
which was adorable. [laughter] He was like, "Hey, Bear. Why don't you call me back,
Bear?" [laughter] "I saw that you were recently
on VH1's "Why are you Wearing This?" [laughter] "40 Celebrity Slim-downs." [laughter] [laughs] And I was pretty--oh, shit. I was, uh... I was pretty panicky about it. And...but it was flagged. And I was like, "All right,
no harm, no foul." And...through all this, me and my daughter's mother
stayed together. We had a long talk,
and we got through it. We're not together now, but... this one, we got through. And I thought all was well. And then...I found out how you get something flagged on Craigslist is, a lot of people have to do it. And I was like, "Wayne,
how did you just flag it?" He goes, "No, don't worry.
We got it flagged. It's no big deal." And I go, "Okay, all right. "Well, it's gone.
That's all that matters. You can't find it." And then...
do you guys remember, a comedy mentor of mine-- I'm sure
a lot of you guys know-- the late, great Patrice O'Neal. [cheers and applause] Yeah. He was like a big brother to me and really embraced me
when I went to New York. And for as long as I lived in
New York, while we was alive, every Thanksgiving, me, my
daughter, and my ex would go to his
house for Thanksgiving. And my daughter's a baby still,
and that next Thanksgiving, I go to Patrice's house,
and he goes-- he goes, "Hey, man,
happy Thanksgiving." "Hey, Jay, do me a favor. Could you go hit the mouse
on the computer real quick?" [laughter] And I was like, "Why?
What's up, man? [light laughter] He was like,
"Just...just go ahead. Just smack the..." Reluctantly, I walk over
and smack this thing. His whole screensaver is just
a big old picture... [laughter] I'm pretty sure he died with
that on his fucking computer. I hope that house burns down. Either that, or Patrice's mom
has a picture of my dick somewhere in her house. [laughter] I wanna say something,
uh, before I get out of here. 'Cause you guys are a fucking
awesome crowd, and I'll tell you this, this show is very important
to me, man. It really is, because... with all
some of the cool things that have happened for me
over the last couple of years, my Comedy Central special, and--and being on the radio
and all this cool stuff, started because Ari Shaffir, when this was still
a digital show, they were only using
LA comics, and he wanted me
on the show so bad, he personally flew me out
from New York and put me up at his apartment
to get me on this show, which led to so many other
fucking things. And this my fourth or fifth
story I've told on this show. And that means the world to me, that they keep
bringing me back. So keep supporting the show,
man. Thank you guys so much. [cheers and applause] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> - Big Jay Oakerson, everybody.</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i>
