Roy Wood Jr. - Golden Corral Saved My Life - This Is Not Happening

and they're going into a door that leads into the main jail area and I hear the door open they walk through the door closes and then I just hear screaming well this is not happening I'm your host Roy Wood jr. when you think about it work is all about count you count the minutes until lunch you count the hours until you can clock out you count the days until the weekend and then come Sunday you're not even at work you're still counting 12 hours till Monday morning six hours till Monday morning two votes we count the weeks until holidays the months until vacation the years until retirement if you play your cards right [Music] welcome aboard anybody else going down me today hospitality the first job I ever had was Golden Corral that was not only the first job but the best job best job ever had hands down go through our better than this [ __ ] tonight better better than Comedy Central go to corral and dope this buffet spot if you're not from the south or the Midwest you got to understand how serious this Bluff a game is love buffet restaurants because I was a kid and I could go to a buffet restaurant that was the first chance that you get to make your own plate that was a dumpling that was a rite of passage as a kid when your mom trusts you to decide what you're gonna eat and you come back to the table with a broccoli ice-cream burrito you should go what do you eat you go I'm grown Joyce you know Joyce at this manager Golden Corral mr Turner mr Turner Steen was always about providing the five-star experience to the customer that was his thing you know gentlemen no matter what we must give these people five-star service we can try to give them five-star service but I'm pretty sure they are not expecting faster the work buffets is on the side that automatically takes the valet out of the equation they not expecting five-star service is the ice-cream machine in the middle of the dining room bro it's not a five-star experience when the loud ass soft-serve ice cream machines the loud one that needs a new transmission every buffet restaurant got a loud ass ice cream only time is quietism when ice cream is actually coming out of it tonight team Tallahassee Florida I get hired at Golden Corral and it was an interesting place because it was at an intersection in my life where I was almost on the wrong path and a lot of the people there without them even really knowing it help kept me straight and narrow you know because when you work at a big restaurant like this it's like 20 30 people there they're all in different stages of their life you got some people an undergrad like you just scrapping by while living in a dorm you got some people just doing this to get by some people got bigger dreams of running a restaurant you got retirees military veterans it's just all of these different types of individuals in the store one person I always love talking to I love talking to this do big mix big mix work the carving station he was slicing to me big mix was the students big-ass black dude just got out of prison and take some right now there's nobody more focused in this world then a black man determined not to go back to jail cuz that's all big mix talk about the mix was in the carving station he sliced some roast beef he putting them rotisserie chickens on the big steak and putting them in the machine and the whole time all the time but I'm telling you boy ain't going back to jail he was a good dude and it was a good job and the fainting stress mr Turner was that everybody every server at Golden Corral had to be a member of the 100 club I don't know if they still do it today but back in 2000 2001 they were serious about this 100 club was a policy at Golden Corral where every server had to know not only the name of 100 customers but you also had to know two of their favorite buffet items you could not fake it you had to know and it seems like a daunting task but when you think about all the stupid-ass song lyrics that are stuck in your head you can add more words to your brain this room cuz we broke it down the way mr. Turner broke it down for us so it didn't seem impossible it made perfect sense you say yo was 52 weeks in a year all you need to do is learn to customers a week and each week go back to your list add two customers you keep looking at the list as you add people and I can't explain it but some sort of matrix just you learn it and one day you're just walking to Golden Corral like a damn Rain Man and you just know what you see a person having chili ham and chili had there you are hot tea extra napkins hot tea extra napkins which I don't even know if customers appreciated that because I kind of feel like the last thing you will want at a buffet restaurant is somebody walking up to you go oh look at Julie's broke chops again Shane Lee is such a stomach and I joined the hundred club I did it I did it I became a member of the Golden Corral 100 club but there was one guy I could never crack because I could never find out his name I knew what he ate but I could never find out his name because he was too intimidating and he was one of those people you can never really break the ice but he's one of the big swole muscle ass dudes probably you know how many people work at a vitamin shop for too long you ever seen employees at a vitamin shop and they just sit in the back snorting protein powder for ten years but I nobody ate them to haul rotisserie chickens a pitcher of water slice of carrot cake sure as [ __ ] three days a week for two and a half years I served this man never once learned his name because he was just too which is because I didn't know his name didn't mean I didn't want to give him good service and I did it was to the point where I would see the dude in line I already knew what the deal was so if I saw him in line I go holla at mix I go mix vitamins shop is in life make sure you got them check I already got the chicken zip crackers ain't gonna eat me you just set the chickens down he ravaged him and he drink the pitcher of [ __ ] water and any walk over to the dessert bar get a slice of carrot cake in the napkin mumble on walk on out the door and it's weird because even though I never knew his name I felt like I knew this man I felt like there was a connection and you know there's something to being silently connected with a person even without words because you know what they're about and that was something that I took for granted you know you get older and you forget about the importance of just being nice to people man and I look back at that time to go to Corral with a lot of fondness because it was at a crossroad in my life where exactly the people I needed in my world were there ended up getting arrested myself not so long after that got arrested I stole some jeans from a department store because I want to look fresh for homecoming apparently you have to pay for jeans and I go to jail and you know the lawyer is there you'll be released do some probation or whatever but in the meantime you're probably got to stay overnight because the paperwork whatever whatever so now I'm scared because now I have to spend a night in jail and I don't know how to describe the Leon County Jail and Tallahassee to you but like you're sitting in a holding area waiting to be processed fingerprints and medical and they give you a jail uniform and I'm seeing it mates before me get processed and they're going into a door that leads into the main jail area and I hear the door open they walk through the door closes and then I just hear screaming just shrill just like what the [ __ ] is happening behind that door cuz I know my turn is coming essentially gets process he goes to the door walks through door closes I'm like what do I have to do to get sent to solitary cuz I'll eat no turd I'll do whatever I get processor give him a little jail uniform I got my little little sandals I'm a little tile or whatever and I'm walking and the door opens for me I step through the door door closes and I look up and it's a 48 pot jail link and it's one inmate per cell my cell door opens up 47 and the guard goes walk to your cell and you have to walk through like this open cafeteria table rec area whatever but you're in front your own display for all the other inmates to see and I got to take my first step and I just hit his guy this guy go so I stopped the guy so he's talking to me and I turn and then cell 20 there's a guy with his face pressed up against the glass like this drool coming off the glass this is his icebreaker this is how he starts the conversation and I turn to the jailer I'm like what the [ __ ] what and the jailer he goes well in the time that he's been in here in the past week somebody physically assaulted his mama presumably her boyfriend he's never met the gentleman so he assumes that anyone that comes into the prison right now is the person that was arrested for beating his mama so he thinks that person is you know how long is he gonna think that is it probably until you leave cuz anybody who comes in did it so his best bet is just to whoop all y'all's asses so I try to ignore this [ __ ] man cuz I don't know what to do ain't no fighter and a grown-ass man snarling at me through glass you can't ignore it because if you ignore it that's the ultimate [ __ ] move so now I've got a man up I'm trying to get my chest together and I'm all of 19 20 years old I'm scrawny I just go I'll yell across the ring I do not know her sir which just screams please whip my ass and go yes you oh yeah yeah you definitely the one bit [ __ ] my momma oh I don't like that oh I don't like that and he bangs on the wall of the silly here dude up in like 25 I look up and I can't really make out dude in the sale I hear Smitty go nah he cool he used to hook up the chicken a Golden Corral [Applause] - chickens of mitchell water and a [ __ ] carrot cake my dogs [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 2,250,137

Rating: 4.9181547 out of 5

Keywords: Roy Wood Jr, This Is Not Happening, Roy Wood Jr stand-up, Roy Wood Jr comedian, roy wood jr this is not happening, comedy central, This isn't happening, stand up comedy, best stand up comedy, storytelling, working, job, buffet, restaurant, Golden Corral, Golden Corral buffet, food, boss, customer service, ice cream, jail, prison, customer, inmate, fighting, best job, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians, funny stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up comedians, saved my life

Id: XD6qXNZ_V54

Length: 14min 38sec (878 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 13 2019