Kyle Kinane - When Baseball Turns Disastrous - This Is Not Happening

Hey [Applause] [Music] I wasn't raised with sports you know wasn't something I think that's something you're indoctrinated into when you're young you born especially if you're a guy at something it's like a one way you can bond with your dad like that's how you can have feelings towards a male that you created as the boys sports and then that's like God we don't just say I love you like duh the team and that's how my dad was it as my dad liked airplanes which is cool but it's not something you get riled up about I got a seven twenty sevens this year yeah pop and I go ho tell me about it and so I wasn't raised with sports it wasn't it something that was that was put into me as a young child like a a very young age like even the idea of competition was lost on me when I was a kid just didn't make any sense you know because when you're when you're brought up like a little kid and the first thing your toys like you know but be nice to other people it's been your like you know five years old can't a girl like be nice be kind share bring enough stuff for the other kids we're gonna bring something to school bring up enough for all the class you know and then that's that's the lessons you're raised with and then you just go to peewee soccer and all of a sudden they're like all right you know peewee soccer I was excited about peewee soccer cuz I got a shirt that matches my socks that's probably another clue that I wasn't gonna be into sports that's just really into the outfits you know look lookit I can be the same thing nice but we get the peewee soccer and a coaches like that you know what all right is well gonna do you see this ball right here kick it no hands just feet and we'll kick it that net over there sounds like a plan hold on not so fast you see those other kids over there who also have different colored matching shirts and socks yes I did they look sharp they don't want you to get the ball in the net over there why not because they want to get that same ball into the net over here it's like well this seems like you could just be resolved with a conversation like it there one way we're gonna just argue in a field let's go talk to him you guys what let's all do it that way then next week we'll do it that way ever to this day sports always seem like they could just be sorted out with a talk it doesn't make sense to me but I get it you get older you understand why that's why you identify with it might might be where you're from in the world where you're what city you're from so you got I think it's gonna that's gonna supersede all earthly woes you know eventually we're gonna be able to travel through space and Mars and it's still gonna be the basic level of conversation is you just gonna be in some space station bar but like where are you from x13 your intergalactic deathball team sucks like it's still gonna be the way to converse with someone and I don't you know if anything like baseball enjoy baseball just enough just enough to enjoy it cuz it looks it's a lazy sport it looks like it was originally designed for cats there's one guy just staring at the Sun over there a couple others are playing catch over here it's silly I like that they all have to wear the same uniform even if it's like the manager and the coach they all dress up in a uniform just in case an accident happens you know the bus crashed we need everybody out there in a 65 year old managers like good thing I put on the stripes here we go time to crack off some of this osteoporosis for a championship I like it I'll wear a baseball hat mostly because I'm a bald guy and there's a thing out there called the Sun it tries to kill me it's the only piece of clothing I have to answer questions about though that's another thing I understand it's just a hat I mean this is a plain one because it's TV and you can't support things what is that a real team money there's money there's producers they're upset at it around it you can't watch look oh can't edit it [Laughter] it's the only piece of clothing that I gotta be responsible for in public you know cuz again it's that guy thing like Bob the team there doing good or the dude bad but you could just have a conversation about it if you can't just go up doing a guy in a bar like cool shirt what what but now I got to know everything about the team cuz it's a hat I gotta wear just a piece of clothing just let me work I wear Levi's I don't have a favorite prospector [Laughter] but I'll go I'll go to a baseball game once in a while deathly afraid of actual baseballs play catch once with a real baseball as a kid was a kid I played we play baseball with tennis balls we all thought we were great one day somebody found a real baseball let's play catch with at first I lost a son hit me in the face unnatural fear of baseball this day like going to baseball games foul ball comes in everybody's like we got it I'm diving behind people I'm throwing miles I'll throw a baby in the way of that ball I don't care especially if it's wearing a jersey it could be on the team you don't know it's confusing it's got the name of the outfield I could get in there kid play the game earn your Millions so little kid nine years old post traumatic injury with the baseball and I'm just doing whatever you're doing when you're 9 you know I don't know sit in the dirt in your front yard not thinking about anything just putting your thumbs in your holes you know whatever you're doing you man these kids come around neighborhood kids a family and nobody knew him like they didn't go to the shitty public school we all went to and then didn't go to the shitty Catholic school the other kids went to I think they were homeschooled my mom called him weird that's all I know it they're weird there's a lot of them and they don't do the things the other people do so they're weird but they came up to me just sitting in the dirt as a family you know real Little House on the Prairie just kind just kind immediately and that's suspect when you're a child when you're 9 you're just supposed to get beat up by strangers that's how life is and you see a whole family that looks like coming by like hi you're like oh what's the scam all right here we go I'm like well we're gonna play softball we have an empty lot next to our house and we shy sooner we thought you might like to play softball with oh my gosh soft is in the name so I might be a make this work so I go I go to the empty lot they let me inspect the ball for a 16 inch I'm squeezing it feeling it hitting it on my body to make sure I could take a hit in the guard I'm gonna try to softball try it we're on a run defense first in the outfield and I'm just you know doing what I do just classic Canaan out there missing it missing it not even looking just stay all dandelions are fun there it goes you know the wind just waiting to be kicked out of it like I'm kicked out of every actual team sport I've been in at this point and they're not they're like these that are like not good you'll get it soon oh my what's going on then we're up to bat kids are doing good they're you know they're hitting them it's going good but having to just having fun there's nobody nobody swearing at each other I'm like I don't understand this finally I'm up and I'm waiting for the symphony that I'm used to whenever I'm on the spot like for a sporting event especially for anything where I gotta be up a back kick ball tennis ball baseball whatever we're playing I'm waiting for that symphony of what I'm used to which is moving easy-out I'm like waiting for those three things that three-part harmony of contains at the plate you know one two three you're right and I suck at it and I'll see y'all later wait foot none of that they're still standing out there optimistic like you guys though you really should move in a little and four underhand pitch first one comes big old with just like I didn't even know what the bat was fourth second one comes I think I swung before the guy even was pitching it so the third one just real just real Disney movie style look let's just let's just hope against hope just close our eyes and throw our shoulders at it and that works sometimes and this was one of those times my eyes closed I felt the bat connect like in the heart of the dead center that's softball like when you know if you've ever ever just hit a ball with a bat the way it's supposed to be hit like boom like I opened my eyes expecting the leather to just be blown out but that thing just sailed like the way up softball shouldn't even like like just soared alright well I just watched it thinking that was I thought I want like I didn't even know there was a rest of the game I was like nah that's it da see you later you're welcome like but not only you got to do the bases I'm again there's the bases I never got to the bases before watches and it's fly and so I hustle the first boom nobody's around or chasing this thing this satellite that's just an orbit let's hit second I don't even know what second base looks like oh there it is look at you take a minute tap it nobody around still in the air you're getting married go to third base this is like the moon landing for my family I get to third I decide like let's not be arrogant take a minute let's stop at third and assess and get the third and I look around still nobody the pictures gone everybody's gone look away what I do what I do get on a roof now this family they had a daughter and I don't know what the right term is now for what she had but whatever it was it's not something that goes away she was one of Jesus's special kids and she was playing at what was previously deemed a safe distance away from the action way down yonder these youngsters ain't gonna put our special baby in any danger ya got till rocket arms got up to the plate line drive when I dawn the girl that's it finally a victory in your life do you want to know what glory was never mind during today you will never know glory [Music] everybody ran touring and she was down there like I couldn't tell I don't know what denomination of what she had was cuz the distant and I'm just nine on third base with a dilemma on my hands I'm looking at that I'm like I did that and that's and I'm thinking this is a horrible thought at nine even then I'm like well she's already like I'm like well is what I did twice as bad or half as bad like I could she wasn't knocked out she was sitting up she looked confused but that you know and now I got to make a decision you know do I go do I go help she had plenty of people help her do I go help or no one this is the only time I'm gonna know what athletic glory is like do I run home I ran home no not home base I ran home I didn't know glory and I also didn't find out what was to be a good person that day I just ran home and cowardice now it was the only athletic thing I had ever pulled off until December 22nd 2012 the eve of my 36th birthday I was back home visiting my parents for the holidays I was in that same bedroom I ran back too many years ago and in that bedroom I farted so much I set off the co2 detector twice and a combination of those two events is the closest I'm ever going to come to to getting an ESPN 30 for 30 thank you [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 2,014,046

Keywords: Kyle Kinane, This Is Not Happening, Kyle Kinane stand-up, Kyle Kinane comedian, Kyle Kinane this is not happening, comedy central, This isn't happening, youth, sports, dad, father, emotion, men, kids, children, childhood, uniforms, soccer, baseball, baseball hat, fear, softball, family, insult, home run, injury, fart, funny, funny videos, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians

Id: JmvBRCnw6yA

Length: 15min 4sec (904 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 20 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/FoxyTestarosa]

He looks like a fierce mountain man!

[u/thebonerstorm]

"It's not something that goes away." That line killed me.

[u/eagle-eye-tiger]

"Is what I did twice as bad or half as bad?" That one absolutely slayed me.

[u/justbigstickers]

Glad to see the podcast talk about beefing so hard it set off the carbon monoxide detector made it into a bit.

I always appreciate that Kyle doesn't run old bits in the podcast, though Dave will bring them up sometimes. It's good to see something evolve from the podcast into standup material. It's like we get a sneak peak into his mind, and how things form organically.