Jim Norton - My First Bris - This Is Not Happening

have you ever been that drunk where the next day you look down like wait a minute who mutilated my genitals welcome to this is not happening I'm your host Roy Wood jr. [Music] that's ballgame drop your shuttlecocks its tub time I see you MVP right there yeah hello what's your secret [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I'm not a religious guy like I don't care what religion somebody is I don't go to many religious ceremonies I just don't enjoy them but I went to a bris recently okay a couple people but that is the appropriate so anyone does not know what that is that's the Jewish ceremony for a circumcision and it's performed in somebody's house and I don't know why I went my friend called me and he's like do you want to come to my son's bris and I'm like well what is it and he goes we're gonna circumcise him and I went yeah I think it was just lonely like I was so happy to be invited anywhere he could have said anything like what is it oh we're gonna beat him to death with a rock will there be women there you know so I didn't know what to expect because I had no frame of reference so I expected it to at least feel medical I'm like I see the if you walk in there's gonna be like a tented off area a team of surgeons but it's not like that at all you walk in and it's a party people are like eating cheese and crackers they're drinking there's music playing everyone's in a great with the baby was in a bassinet on the kitchen table he was laughing his little fat and I'm looking at him like you might want to lower expectations on this party cuz your days about to suck little fella [Applause] and the guy who does the circumcising is called the moil and i didn't know what that was but as soon as you meet him you kind of understand what he is such a creepy energy he's like hello I'm the moil and instinctively like hey I know what you do [ __ ] off but I wish I had asked him why he did that like I really wish I had questioned him because that's such an interesting job choice like I get why you might want to be a priest or a rabbi but why am I like I want to serve God but I hate baby dicks [Applause] [Laughter] so the ceremony's about to start and I'm asking somebody next to me I'm like where's the anesthesiologist I'm assuming they're going to come in and put a little needle in his arm and knock him out but the woman next to me goes oh he's too young for that oh well then he's too young for this so what the moil does for pain management is he takes wine and he dips his fingers in the wine and he rubs the wine in the baby's mouth on his gums and on his lips I think the thinking being that like you know the kid is so young that the alcohol will get him a little loopy and he won't realize what's happening but have you ever been that drunk where the next day you look down like wait a minute who mutilated my genitals [Applause] and it didn't work for pain management at all because I've heard babies crying before this didn't sound like a baby's normal crying this was a guttural wounded animal sound it haunted me it was it was so big it was like I have a dick do you know what you need to do to it for me to go I had a crazy fleeting thought of just grabbing the kid and running out the front door which I didn't do I figured it would be too hard to explain to the police you know why you're running down the shoulder of the road carrying an infant with a bleeding penis yeah that's okay he's a rescue now my friend is not Orthodox Jewish you know he's just Jewish but he's not a hardcore but does anybody know in the ultra Orthodox ceremonies how the moil will remove the blood from the penis with his mouth cleaning the blood off the baby's penis with his mouth not nearly as hot as it sounds look I'm all for freedom of religion but if there's any part in your religion which says it's okay to put a baby dick in your mouth you got to delete that at this point I don't want to hear well it's tradition [ __ ] the Catholic priests have been trying to find that loophole for centuries and the fact that it's a 5,000 year old tradition doesn't that kind of work against why it should be allowed today because if it started 5,000 years ago that means technically there was a first moil to do it what do we know about that guy how do we know he was divinely inspired maybe he just got caught and was a quick thinker maybe somebody walked into the back room what the hell are you doing yeah oh it's cleaning the blood office why don't you just use a cloth why don't I just use the cloth [Music] God God crazy I'm like Lord what shall I do he said suck that baby's dick I'm like all right I think what it made me realize I have no kids but I don't know if I could circumcise my son my daughter yes but I don't know if I well just so she doesn't disgrace the family I don't know if I could do it I mean I am circumcised by the way just to answer your question I asked Troy to mention that in the intro I'm pretty [ __ ] it up and I'm not mad at my mother and dad for circumcising me I mean I know it's Western culture and we just you know whatever it's what you do but if I could choose in adult life I would choose to be uncircumcised just because I think sex would feel better because you know when you're uncircumcised the head of your penis is like protected it's not rubbing on the inside of your jeans or the back of someone's knuckles on the subway I don't know what your life is you ever catch it on a diamond wedding ring is it and there's a real anti-circumcision sentiment growing in our country I saw part of a documentary on this group of men who is obsessed with regrowing their foreskin and I wish I had seen the whole thing it's so good what they do is they attach weights to the shaft of the penis and that's where I passed out but I'm dying to know how it worked out there's no way that that's effective like it might stretch the skin but there's no way it retains the same elasticity that you're supposed to have when you're a kid like you know if your force didn't get stretched but it probably fits like that one crew sock that always falls around your ankle is there any worse feeling than a sock around your ankle picture that on your balls for the rest of your life you don't want your dick to look like that last photo Steve Jobs in the turtleneck I'm sorry is that to run Pharrell a couple of you I apologize oh god I'm sorry yes I kind of wish I was still uncircumcised here's something I'll tell you every man who is circumsized has wondered what we'd look like if we weren't we've all done the experiment which is when you're in a full-length mirror and you're nude and you take the skin of your penis and you roll it forward and you let it go and you watch the skin kind of just go back and you do that for an hour hour and a half but you have to be totally flaccid when you do it because you have an erection and you push forward your heels will lift and I've had women make odd remarks about me because I am circumcised but I've had women go like I'm so glad that you're circumcised one girl goes Oh God uncircumcised dicks are so ugly I'm glad that you're circumcised and that kind of offended me a little bit because first of all I was born that way and second of all like are you really in a position to criticize genital appearance I mean you know you ever looked at your clitoris it's not exactly a work of art it's got that little fleshy hood that you gotta peel back this kind of stares out you're like the Grim Reaper no personality whatsoever least an uncircumcised dick has a personality you know you fluff it up a little bit it just kind of pull leaking pre-cum do you know how amazing it is that's a dick communicating with you that's a dick winking that's the wink of a dick the freak up the Clint nothing I mean you can you lick it you're rubbing 45 minute stuff for the same stupid are you like I give up is this thing on the spectrum I'm not getting any reaction out of this at all it's like trying to make a palace guard laughs and by the way I uh I used the term fleshy to describe the hood hood of the clip the hood I use the term fleshy to describe the [ __ ] hood I don't want I'm not vagina shaming like I don't want you to think that if you feel like a fleshy ur vagina that it's gonna hurt your chances with me after the show it's not [Applause] it makes me so happy like I like the little little neat ones are nice too I'll be the ones that are all kind of nice and tucked in there look like a little soldier old you don't know [ __ ] you know it doesn't but I just tend to prefer the ones that look like they just kind of showed up oh yeah I want a [ __ ] that looks like Mickey Rourke from barfly a treat for my friends thank you guys very much this is a lot of fun [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 1,062,631

Rating: 4.8163381 out of 5

Keywords: Jim Norton, This Is Not Happening, Jim Norton comedian, Jim Norton stand up, comedy central, this isn't happening, roy wood jr, storytelling, genitals, genitalia, religion, Jewish, bris, circumcision, circumcised, foreskin, baby, penis, dick, party, mohel, anesthesia, alcohol, genital mutilation, pain, God, sock, vagina, clitoris, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians, funny stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up comedians

Id: vcd9jb-_nuQ

Length: 12min 53sec (773 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 10 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/lastlaugh100]

Day 1 of being born a man in America: Welcome, your suffering has just begun.

Jim Norton did his research, he even talked about foreskin restoration.

[u/cassius_longinus]

I am legitimately impressed at his ability to keep the audience laughing even while describing the most fucked up aspects of circumcision. In this context--a comedy show--it is the right approach, because a completely serious diatribe against circumcision would not go over well.