- And she pushed me down
on the bed, and she started kissing
down my body, which is hilarious,
'cause I'm 17. I'm naked.
I'm fat. I have no beard. I look like a giant, fat baby. And she was kissing, like...
[kissing noises] And I was like... [chuckling] [laughter] [grunts] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [grunting] <i> ♪ </i> [grunting] <i> ♪ </i> [cheers and applause] - You know him from "The
Bonfire" on SiriusXM. Please give it up for
Mr. Big Jay Oakerson, everybody. Let him hear it. [cheers and applause] <i> - I'm gonna tell y'alls</i> a little story about how and who
I lost my virginity to. So it's gonna be gross. [laughs] Not on her end.
She was a hot chick. She was older than me. I was actually 17
when I lost my virginity. She was 22 years old and not a girlfriend
or anything, just a neighbor girl,
22-year-old neighbor girl. She lived with her uncle
next door, which was weird. He was a weird guy.
He dressed like Gallagher. But it was, like, 1995. [laughter] A lot of horizontal stripes
and big, like, merchant marine bell-bottoms. Anyhoo. Who knows what
was going on there. She must have been damaged, because one day
I was walking by, and she goes, "You know what? I'm gonna make you a man," and I was like, "Okay, lady." [laughter] And she was older and had
expectations on the whole deal. So she was like, "All right,
you got to get a hotel room." And I'm like, "Cool, well,
now we got to get "my mom involved
in this project, 'cause I don't have
a credit card." And luckily, I come
from great white trash roots. Like, really, like, backstage at
a Kid Rock concert. My mom was like,
"Ugh, here you go." She gave me a credit card, and I booked a room
at a Holiday Inn, and I remember go--yeah,
I said I come from garbage. [laughter] My mom loves her boy. She thinks she's gonna deny me that sweet, sweet... Can't let your mom
cock block. Where the fuck
did you guys grow up? Your mom wouldn't get you laid?
Come on, man. My mom got me laid a few times. [laughs] Me and this girl end up
in a hotel, and we walk in the room, and I remember
I was very nervous, and it was very dark,
and it smelled like mothballs and Febreze, and she was pouring me, like,
this wine into a plastic cup, and I'm a kid, so I'm like, "This is bitter," and she's like, "Drink it." I'm like... [struggling] And she had a boom box. Yeah, with the "Enigma" CD
playing. Do you remember "Enigma,"
by any chance? It's like chant-y dance music. It's terrifying
in this capacity. I'm already nervous. I got this wine
that I don't want. I can't see anything, and just blaring
in the room is, like... [imitating "Enigma" CD] And I was just like, "Hello?" [laughter] She goes,
"Take off your clothes," and I was just all very, like,
rape victim-y about it. I remember being like,
"Here? Just now?" And I got naked. I thought we were gonna
start having sex. I thought that's how
it all worked, but she was 22. She knew what she was doing,
and she just took over, and she pushed me down
on the bed, and she started kissing
down my body, which is hilarious,
'cause I'm 17. I'm naked.
I'm fat. I have no beard. I look like a giant, fat baby. That's how I looked, and she was kissing, like... [kissing noises] And I was like... [chuckling] [laughter] And then she started
sucking my dick, and I was like,
"I like this part." [laughter] This part's fantastic. I thought she was gonna
keep doing that, but she didn't. She started doing some pro moves
I wasn't quite ready for. She holds up my dick,
starts licking my balls, doing a little crowd work,
if you will. [laughter] And here is what I learned
about my balls that night. And I can't speak
for all the balls, but these balls,
these two, ticklish. [laughter] Very, very ticklish. And I wanted her to stop, but I didn't want her
to stop everything, so I'm just trying not to laugh through the ball-licking part, but it's hard, 'cause she was
licking my balls hilariously. Hilariously. She was licking them and vibrating them
with her mouth and saying the word "balls,"
which is a weird thing to do. [laughter] I was even trying not to pay
attention, but she was like,
♪ Ball-la-las ♪ Ball-lo-los ♪ Zah ♪ Zahs And my eyes were tearing, and my
face was all purple. And I was biting my lips. But I didn't laugh. I did great. And then she did something
that nobody should ever do unannounced
to a virgin. She went lower than the balls. You get what I'm saying? Lower than the balls? The balls... I'm laying on my back,
balls, and then lower than the balls. Los Angeles,<i>
Mexico?</i> [laughter] In layman's terms, she touched
her tongue to my butthole, and that--too much for me. Too much--I was a virgin. In one explosion of life,
I laughed out loud, peed one squirt,
and farted in her face. That's how it happened. [laughter and applause] [chuckling] I was like, ha-ha... [imitating peeing and farting] Whoops. Whoops.
I said "whoops." [laughter] And "whoops" doesn't cover that. "Whoops" is like,
I knocked over your beer or we bumped shoulders. "Oh, hey, man.
Whoops." "Whoops" is not farting down
your throat. That is not in the--that's just
not in the book of "whoops," and I've thumbed it. Whoops. And then I tried to be positive.
I was like, "You know what? "She probably won't even
smell it, honestly. That was right in the chops." [laughter] But she did smell it, I don't know if she burped or
what, but it just was in the room. and when a woman
smells your fart, and you don't want her to,
you panic. You start thinking too quick.
You have terrible ideas. I tried to yell over the smell. I remember thinking that's-- that's all I had to offer,
was volume. [laughs] She was like,
"What's that smell?" I'm like, "What smell? "Who? A lot of H questions. Hhh-what? [laughs] Open a window if you smell..." [laughter] And then I put on a condom,
and I remember faking an orgasm. I didn't even finish
the first time. I went, "Ohh," and I was like, "I've got to go to the
bathroom." And I flushed the condom, and I
was like, "Wow, there's so much." I just lied. But she continued
to have sex with me for several months after that, and I remember
she moved back home with her parents
in a different town in south Jersey. And we were still hooking up,
so I was, you know, a 17-year-old kid getting laid,
so I'm like, "I'll drive out to you." And she's like, "That'd be
great." And I drove, like, 45 minutes to
go see her one day. Now, I'm Jewish. I'm only mentioning that
for the next part of the story. It never seems to come up
anywhere in my life that I would have
to give a shit, but I pull up to this house, and she comes running out,
and she goes, "Oh, my God. "I almost forgot
that you're Jewish, "and I made it--
it's a weird thing. "And I'm so sorry. I should have warned you
about this." And I'm like, "What do you
mean?" And we walk into her house. Her father's a Nazi sympathizer, and I mean, it looks
like Edward Norton's bedroom in "American History X." There's big Nazi flags
and, like-- like, a skull with,
like, a knife in its-- yeah, it's crazy shit. There was rat experiments in the
basement. And I'm not making that up. But I liked banging his
daughter. And my last name's not Jewish, so I kept my stupid Jew mouth
shut. Continued to plow this chick
for a while, and then I really
got faced with it. One night--he loved me.
He didn't know. Which I thought was kind of good
revenge. [laughter] 'Cause we were right in his
house, and I'd bang her there all the time, and he ordered
pizza once, and I remember sitting
at the table. I had my moment where he goes, "Man, a pizza costs $18 now. "That's 'cause the [bleep]
Jew bastards own all the fucking banks,
pieces of shit." and I was just holding pizza, and I was like,
"I heard that, dude," and I started fucking
eating pizza. You got to understand,
it's the small victories. Five minutes later, I was up banging
his fucking daughter to... the "Forrest Gump" soundtrack
or something. [laughing] You're welcome
for the boners, everybody. Thank you so much. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i>
