(mechanical sounds and beeping) - His big ol' dick
and one of his balls fell out of his britches. (crowd laughing) Yeah. My son goes, "Daddy, Mr. Sugar got
a big ol' pee pee." (crowd laughing) No son, you and I got
pee pees, that's a dick. (electronic music)
(splattering) (fire burning) (explosion) (fire burning) (explosion) (crowd cheering) - So, here's a
story with a show. Really, it's simple. It's just a bunch
of funny people. We're all telling true stories. One of the nicest
guys in America, Mr. Ralphie May,
everybody, let him hear it! (crowd cheers) - My neighbor, Gay
Tony, got married. I love him. That ain't his real
name, of course, it's just how it appears
in my cell phone. (crowd laughs) And, uh. So, to my little kids, now it's Uncle
Tony and Aunt Tim. You know, they're awesome. They're just the best dudes. Their wedding is why
you should always go, if invited, to a gay wedding. It is fabulous! (crowd laughs) I was amazed at how
gay it really was. Like, I thought it'd be
gay, but not gay-gay, but it was way gay. They had, like, Cirque Du
So-gay, and guys flying down and making out with dudes
and tweaking nipples and flying back up; crazy. My daughter was in the
wedding procession. My wife was handling her and
I was sitting with my son, August, who was
four at the time. And you know how at weddings, how they have
entertainment, usually? You know, for the actual
ceremony, they have like the fat girl cousin of the
bride will come out and sing that horrible song
from Frozen, you know? (crowd laughs) You know? But like, it started off with a five minute
long rambling story about how she went out one
time with ya'll bowling and then ya'll had pizza, and ya'll shared the
last piece of pizza, and that's what
true love really is. (crowd laughs) And you're just like, "let's
go big girl, let's go! Wrap it up, biggie! Let's go! That open bar ain't
gonna drink itself, baby Let's do this!" And, uh... Either that, or it's like... like a retarded,
might be retarded kid, playing the trumpet
with a boner. You know what I mean, you know? (crowd laughs) I bet Timmy loves his
trumpet, don't look at that. Woo! That boy is musically
inclined, Lord Jesus. Oh, that's a hog, that boy... Anyways, they didn't
have that, okay? They had a six-foot four,
black male transvestite Cher impersonator named Sugar. With a C-H, hey! Mr. Chugar was six-foot four, okay? That's quite a
striking Cher, okay? But, my man had eight-inch platform boots on with
fishnet stockings, garter belt, a
bustier, and a cape. (crowd laughs) 'Cause for a black man
looking just like Cher, wasn't quite gay enough. My man added the cape, nice! My son had a lot of questions. (crowd laughs) "Daddy, what is that?" That son, is a transvestite. "Woo! That's a big ol'
transmesmite, daddy." Yeah. Yeah, son that's about
as big as I reckon they come. "Yeah, that's a biggun'. Biggest one I ever
seen, dad, biggest one Transmesmites is big, dad." Yeah, amen to that. And he saw that Chugar
was wearing that cape, and he was like, "Daddy, you think Mr. Chugar
likes sword-fighting?" (laughs)
(crowd laughs) I bet he does! What was funny was all the
gay guys around us like, "we like sword-fighting,
too, you know what I mean?" My son was like, "man,
these a bunch of cool dudes right here, man. I like these guys." So, Chugar started
singing, right? And my man was killing it. I'm not even gonna lie. (howls like a dog) I don't know the words,
she just sounds like a Bluetick hound dog to me, so he sounded like one, so
I'm like, "he must be on." And half way through
his performance, his big ol' dick
and one of his balls fell out of his britches. Yeah! My son goes, "Daddy, Mr.
Chugar got a big ol' pee pee!" No son, you and I got
pee pees, that's a dick. It's big.
(crowd laughs) Had an elbow in it,
Lord Jesus; big. And that's when August goes, "yep, transmesmites
gots dicks, dad." That's a life lesson,
son, you listen to that. You hold that with you, that could save your
life one day, son. (crowd laughs) "Transmesmites gots dicks." Amen son, amen. What I was amazed is
how professional Mr.
Chugar was, okay? That thing falls out, my man is obviously
panicked, turns, gets his pocketbook,
rips off some tape, puts his junk back
up in his britches, and finishes the song. (howls like a dog) I was like, "Genius!" That was impressive. That was impressive,
think about that. Ladies, half way through
one of your performances, one of your 'giner
lips falls out. You're not going
to be so composed. You're not going
to tuck it back in, you're not going to
go, "don't judge, I've made a lot of bad
choices in college." (crowd laughs) You know? Once that's out, the
show is over, right? Not Chugar, went on and
did it, and nailed it. The ceremony went
off without a hitch. The reception though,
that was awesome. Those gay boys went all out. Hundred cases of
French champagne. Prime rib stations. Seafood station, just
grab a lobster, what? Okay? Real sushi bar with
bonafide Japanesy Japaneses. Real. Real. Not like you get in
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It's some white guy
squinting, you know? This is real. Real. (crowd laughs) I almost got tea-bagged on
the way back to our table. They had these risers on each
corner of the dance floor and up there was basically
a naked man, okay? I mean, he was wearing the
g-string, but a tiny one, okay? And he was way bigger
than that, okay my man? Puerto Rican g-string
according to the flag on it. (crowd laughs) And my man was just
shakin' it, just... I'm talking to my wife. As we're walking,
a state, a light, hits a sequence, goes
into my periphery, and I go, "whoa, nuts!" I Matrix-ed nuts! (crowd laughs) Quite possibly, the
most athletic move I've made in the last 30 years. Not gonna lie to you, it
was pretty impressive. 'Cause that's not my luck. My luck is to have the
full tea-bag and... Me go, "Sir, will you get
it off my face, please?" He's Puerto Rican, I
smell plantains, okay? That's my luck. We get to the table, and right by our
name are three pills. And my wife goes,
"is that candy?" And I'm like, "honey,
I'm pretty sure I know every candy ever made. (crowd laughs) And I don't know what
those first two are, but that last one looks like
pharmaceutical-grade MDMA from the early 90s." And my wife goes, "What's MDMA?" And I go, "That's ecstasy." And she goes, "(laughs),
yeah, you remember that, don't you? Yeah" A different gay guy comes out and he's like the gay
guy in charge, okay? And he's like, "Hello,
party people, hello! Tonight, baby, we're going
to party to 3 AM, baby!" It was 7:20, Jack. It was 7:20, my
man's calling three? I don't think so, okay. "Tonight baby, we're
all going to Wonderland, just like Alice. Everyone, at your table,
you have three pills, baby. One will make you small,
one will make you taller, and one is a little
Goldilocks pill, 'cause just like Diego, it
makes everything alright. (crowd laughs) So let's take these
pills, okay, baby? On three, everybody! One, two, three! oh!" (crowd laughs) My wife's like, "should
we take these pills?" Fuck yes! (crowd laughs) These are gay drugs, you're
damn right we're taking these these the best drugs they make. Nobody was seated to my left. I grabbed them pills, did
'em too, fuck it, right? Where I'm from, if you're
gonna dance with the devil, you might as well lead,
you know what I'm saying? Let's do this. I'll tell you, man... Whatever it was, it worked. (crowd laughs) It worked phenomenal. 20 minutes later, I was
sitting there wondering, that if the nucleus of an
atom was a big as a car, that nucleus could
be in Los Angeles; yet the electron that orbits it would
be in New York. That's how much distance
is in an atom, comparable. But yet, we just
learned in physics that, that electron, which should
be a static negative charge, 'cause it's always orbiting, keeping a constant
positive neutral. Makes sense in a
stable element, right? But no, physics have found that, that electron dips throughout
dimensions in and out, so it can pop up in New York,
or Mexico City, or Hawaii. It's amazing, it's amazing that, that might be the thread that holds us to this
dimension, it's those electrons. That's what I thought
was going on in my head. Turns out, I was just
tweaking my nipple, holding my junk, dancing
to Ke$ha in the corner. (crowd laughs and applauds) Good times. We went to 3:40, Diego was
right, it was a hell of a party. It was a hell of a party. So glad I went, don't be
homophobic, no need, you know? I know that, but
it's kind of nice to be an ambassador
for my accent, 'cause every gay man thinks that everybody talks
like me hates them. Couldn't be farther from
the truth, you know? They were, it was
impressive, you know? I'm glad I could
be there for that, because I used to
be dumb, you know? Back when I was a troglodyte. I used to think that the
worst thing in the world would be having a
gay man hit on me. You know what's way
worse than that? Having 300 gay men on
ecstasy not hit on you. (crowd laughs) Yeah. Yeah. That sets it up, right there. Thanks guys, ya'll been fun. I'm Ralphie May, good
night, bye bye, ya'll. (crowd cheers) (electronic music)
Awww RIP Ralphie :(
RIP