Bret Ernst - Babysitter Brawl - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

and she's banging on a sliding glass door and my older brother was like opening and closing the curtain and and and I was doing and I was doing that little kid dance here just like welcome is not happening I'm Ari Shaffir and tonight the topic is bloodline please give it up mr. Bret arts everybody my story takes place in Florida like all up stories though now I was actually I moved around a lot as a kid you know cuz I was raised by a single mom just like everybody else I know does anybody even have a father anymore by the way I know they're out there they're like urban legend you hear about him every now in the enemy so uh we moved around a lot I was born in Jersey moved to Florida back to Jersey back to Florida I've been back and forth my whole life and the reason for that is my grandparents they lived in Florida and they helped raise us you ever see those old dudes that would make weapons like you know I mean like you know you ever see those grandpa weapons like like like you wouldn't make in his shed like like he had a sock with like $900 worth of quarters in it just hang in there tied in knots no you ready like I he would drive around in his Lincoln under the seat of the Lincoln he had an ax handle right it was like this big but like tape at the bottom of it I guess for grip and a nail in the top of it like I remember as a kid going what the hell is that for he's like just in case Hey okay so what like what do you Braveheart what is that then Hemi so he was a man's man you know what I mean he you know he fought in the war it was just a man's man's man and uh you know you know how to fix which by the way our generations just it was let's be honest if something happened in LA we're all yeah we don't really have any real man skills like you know I mean the ability to get in a nightclub when you're not on a guest list is not a real survival skill you know what I mean like he was just of that ilk where he could build whatever and and I used to get his babysitters and me and my brothers were horrible like we ran through babysitter's like the Simpson kids like nobody ever want to watch us like we had this one babysitter alright we used to call her aunt face all right good but but she was this big southern woman right and she looked like this and whatever I don't know do you guys know what his switches okay we were from Jersey we had no idea uh they down south if you're acting up they have this disciplinary thing called a switch right and she would be like go outside and break me off a switch you know I'm like what the a switch I had no idea for those of you who don't know what it is they take you outside okay they make you pick out a tree branch you have to break it off you give it to them and then they hate you in what kind of sadistic Hannibal Lecter type minds like why do I got to pick the weapon you're going to beat me with you know what I mean so the next time we were acting up and face like go outside and break me off a switch and now I'm like you am face I'm phone for that again right so and face goes fine I'll do it myself right so she went outside uh we locked aunt face out of the house for like nine hours and as she was running around like trying to get in we were messing with it like we'd opened the door and then lock it like go AF face and she'd run around you know and we locked the door again and my grandparents had the sliding glass door right and she's banging on a sliding glass door and my older brother was like opening and closing the curtain and and I was there and I was doing that little kid dance here just like so aunt Faye's tapped out she did want to watch us anymore alright so my grandmother had to find this last-minute replacement and uh I don't know where she found this woman but she was just a white-trash she was like pale right she had like scrapes and bruises and all like she looked like she fell off a bike I'm not lying she was all banged out and her nickname was the crazy lady that's what we would call cuz every time she would say something right she would repeat the words to herself never see anybody do this she'd be like you know whenever the words are like sorry I shouldn't do this I gotta do it for you without laughing hold on I swear to god she go whatever the words were she would always repeat him to herself and this was the 80s so there was no background check so my grandmother's just like watched the kids and left right so the crazy lady would never make eye contact with you she would just always look down right and you know and I'm staring at her she's not staring at me doesn't say a word just peels off goes of my grandparents bedroom lays on the bed and talks to her boyfriend all day which was cool with us she didn't mess with us we didn't mess with her day's going great well end of the day comes okay and the crazy lady calls us into the bedroom she's like you kids get in here I need to know if you cleaned your room because if you didn't clean your room you're not going to go to McDonald's now it's important for the story - no it was filet-o-fish Fridays at McDonald's all right this is nope it's like if we were kids and we were good my grandmother would take us to McDonald's and you know as a kid McDonald's was the like I still get excited thank you because you know you I see the arches now I'm like no because there's just so much things there for kids you had like Happy Meals fillet of fishes like I thought McDonald's was so cool I had a cousin Steve that worked at McDonald's and I used to brag that I had a cousin that worked at McDonald's and none of my friends believe me they're like no you don't I'm like yeah I get extra my happy meal like I knew people so now we go to clean the room cuz we want to go to McDonald's now my older brother Scott he's 10 alright I'm six my little brother Keith these three but he don't count right now okay he's too little so we start cleaning the room because we want to go to McDonald's and my older brother well it's this because he could make a bed like you wouldn't believe like I'm dead serious like he made it better than my grandmother like everything was just perfectly folded pillows where they need to be right so now the crazy lady wanted to inspect the room to give us like the seal of approval so I'm like when we're done cleaning the room I'm like hey crazy lady we're done cleaning the room you want to check it out right I don't know what the hell happened all right cuz her head just started going 100 miles an hour and she's looking at the room she's like wow she goes you kids think this room looks clean it does not look clean MA and just freaked out right started messing the bed up knocking off the dresser skipping like a goddamn maniac right and I'm Roman Catholic so my grandmother had those creepy Saint statues slaps a Peter on the floor so now my older brother stepped up he's like lady why you messing the room up right she doesn't say a word she just pieces him straight shot just right she dropped him III did a little kid thing where you laugh and then you freak out all right here's where the story gets up my older brother told me to do it too he denies it my way he he was sitting there bleeding going you know what you need to tell crazy lady goes back into my grandparents room lays on the bed and starts talking to her boyfriend laughing about what she did all right so I walked in my grandparents room I look at her she's laughing I look at my brother he's bleeding right now under that nutsack of change my grandfather also had a little baby ax right little crooked handle hatchet so I look at her I look at him I look at the axe right and in my mind I'm like you don't let her get away with that that's your brother she bitch-slapped Saint Peter and a sacrilege I grabbed the ax and as hard as I can right in the back of her leg all right Oh relax I was six years old so it was a lot of torque behind it all right but it was good enough to get in there and I don't know what the hell I hit but blood went everywhere lost sorry boring the cops come all right and they're interrogating me and I'm crying you know cuz I know we ain't going to McDonald's now I know I messed that up so now right I'm sitting around crying cops are asking me questions my grandfather comes home now back then no cell phones no nothing you know I mean he pulls up sees the ambulance the cops right he comes running in he's like what the hell happened and you know when you're a kid he you're crying you throw out one word I'm like flashes it's like what the hell use I said McDonald's she told us to clean the room or we could go to McDonald's and Scottie told me to do it and she put Scottie in the face he goes whoa well what'd she do yeah beelines it over to her now she's all crazy doubt right she's got her blanket around her right her father's acting like a you know I can't believe this you know he's acting all crazy right so my grandfather walks over and he looks even goes to Folly goes you know I feel terrible about this whole thing can I talk to her for a second I want to make sure she's all right are you okay honey you okay oh you are what are you like 20 you're an adult right like 22 23 listen if you ever put your hands on my kids again I'm gonna make one phone call all right I'm have your father's head chopped off he's gonna be wrapped in plastic and no one will ever find him you're gonna have to live with it for the rest of your life and he looks at me he goes we're gonna McDonald's and I got two fillet of fishes and no therapy alright guys that's my time man thank you

Channel: Comedy Central

Views: 3,563,408

Keywords: Bret Ernst comedian, Bret Ernst videos, This Is Not Happening, this is not happening babysitter, Ari Shaffir, babysitter, uncensored, growing up, parents, weapons, veterans, violence, injuries, stand up comedy, stand up comedians, funny video, stand up videos, funny jokes, funny clips, best stand up comedy, comedian, top comedians, best comedians, This isn’t happening, this is not happening clips, storytelling, Comedy Central stand up, this is not happening bret ernst, bret ernst

Id: McZry6EQ5vA

Length: 12min 2sec (722 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 26 2016