- She almost had a
normal human torso, but the lower body of
something more mythical. (dubstep music) - Welcome to This Is Not
Happening presents fisticuffs. If you've never been
to this show before, it is just a bunch of comics telling fun stories about
real shit that happened. It's my pleasure to
introduce all of you to mister Big Jay Oakerson
everybody, let him hear it! (audience applauds and cheers) - Thank you Ari. Wow, how do you follow
that gangbang fist-fuck of hilarious storytelling? I decided to tell a story about the best fight I've ever seen rather than a fight
that I was in. 'Cause, like, I don't even
really get in a ton of fights. I'm hard to piss off 'cause,
like, a wise person told me a few years ago, if you
ever let words hurt you, like, you'll lose every fight. But if words never hurt
you, you can never lose. Like you can't break my
fucking heart with anything. Like someone told me
recently, they go, they go, "Your mother's suckin'
dicks down by the docks." And I was like, "Well
she's not charging enough "'cause we're still eating a
lot of spaghetti and butter." (crowd laughs) And then someone was like, "How you say that
about your mother?" I'm like, "Uh, 'cause
it's not fucking real. "She's a respiratory therapist
in south Jersey, she's fine." You don't say my mom
sucks dick by the docks I have to call her
like, mom I just heard! What happened? Is Joe out of work? Joe's my stepfather. I figure anyway, if you tell
a fight story about yourself, like, you know, if I lost
it wasn't that exciting, if I won, how douchey is it
to tell a story about like, here's how I fucked someone up. So I'll tell you about
the best fight I ever saw! It was pretty great! Wild cast of characters. Four enormously fat white women, a skinny Puerto Rican guy, and a big black bouncer. That's the cast. Pretty good. Now, I don't know these four
humongous chicks' names, so I name them so you
can follow the story. The first girl was the
smallest of the group, which is not saying a lot. Smallest of the group. She almost had a
normal human torso, but the lower body of
something more mythical. Like centaur, centaurian. Something with hooves. Her ass was huge. She had a tattoo that
went across her back. But she had her belt so
fucking tight on her pants. I mean tight like
she was gonna like shoot heroin into her
pussy or something. (grunts) It was so tight that it actually
folded her fuckin' back up and there's a part of
the tattoo you can't see. I named her Assback. The second girl, I just
call her Forgettable, 'cause quite frankly, I don't
remember anything about her. But I know there
was a fourth chick. The third one was the
prettiest of the group. Cute face, big titties. All the things you look
for in an enormous girl that you're tryin' to
find somethin' good about. (audience laughs) I call her Best in Show. (audience claps and cheers) And then the fourth girl, and
this is the star of the story, this is the star. This girl weighed about 490, I'm not gonna say
five, five seems rude. 490. Mid to high fours. But she was wearing the
clothes more of like a, like a 125ish or something,
like it was really, her pants were so tight. It looked like she had
to jump off of a roof while clowns held her
pants at the bottom to even get part of her
body in these pants. And she was wearing a fucking
tube top, that's balls. That's balls to
wear to a tube top. A mess from head to toe. I call her Atrocity. Story starts with Atrocity. She's outside a comedy
club in New York City. She's makin' out with a
skinny Puerto Rican guy. Now, he's not making out
with her classic style where you attack from the front. He is flanking
her from the East. He's coming over shoulder
making out with her really gross, lippy, and his hand is just
going up and down her body in the most mountainous, like it shouldn't be that. It was like, like
she had 50 tits, it was just, and they all had nipples
like a pregnant puppy. They were so into it, so gross. And then her friends walked up and they started
speaking to her. And here's the thing with
enormous white chicks. They adopt two personalities
ever when they talk. Either the hillbilly white
dudes that will fuck them and then you start
getting like, you know, the Honey Boo Boo
mom type chick. Or the latino and
black drug dealers that will fuck
enormous white chicks. One of those two
personalities is coming up. These girls went with the
latino, black kinda weird like drug, it was weird. They walked up and
they were just like, "Girl, we got to go." Like I was like... Like I didn't expect that
voice out of her mouth, "Come on girl, we got to go." Puerto Rican guy said
something blah blah grande mami something, I don't know,
I don't speak spanish. And they walk up the block,
several moments later, I hear a fuckin' commotion
that sounds like fat fighting. So. As a fat guy, I
have an ear for it. So I roll up to the
end of the block, and I watch what's happening. And these four chicks are fighting with this
big black bouncer dude. I don't know what
the fight's about, I just know they are
fucking heated up. They're screaming,
they're throwing punches, they're making all
kinds of fucking noise and at one point, Atrocity
is right up in his shit. And he pushes her and
she is off balance. And she falls back in the most, just the softest, gentle, almost like someone just
kicked over, like a, you know, like a plastic kids
seesaw, like it just, she just kinda went with
it 'cause it was just like, you know, it was like
feet, thigh, ass back. It was all. She kinda came back
up almost to her feet and then just went,
it was beautiful. And she even even said wee. She was like wee! Wee. She gets herself off the
ground in a hilarious. She climbs up a mailbox
which was great, just panting, out of breath
from only 20 seconds of fight. She gets up and she goes uh uh! And starts taking wild
swings at this guy. I mean throwing crazy haymakers. In the process of this, top
of the tube top comes down, bottom comes up. And it's just kinda nestled
in what I would describe as fold four B. If I was doing a college
paper outline on her, on the lines that
went across her body, it would be four
B, four subtext B. Photosynthesis. (chuckles) And her titties were out. These weren't good titties. They were bad and fat. They were like, so
big, they were big and not big all at once. They were huge, there
was a lot of tit. But there was only like
tit stuffing in the very, it looked like somebody stapled
two tube socks to her chest but in the bottom of the sock,
just put like a cup of soup. Just enough to
give it some dangle so it would move like that. It was almost like you
could've taken it off and use it as like a
weapon to trip a horse. Game of Thrones it. (chuckles) They were awful. So awful in fact, that look, when titties come
out on the street, they don't have to be the
best titties or big titties or even the same
size on one girl. They can be all kinds
of different titties. Generally, everyone around,
dudes especially, are like yay! When these titties came out, like 100 unrelated
people were just like no! Like vampires saw sunlight. (imitates hissing) (chuckles) These titties were bad, and
she's swingin' ferocious like in one rhythm and her
titties are doing this almost like slow-mo cam, it looked
like, remember the screensaver with the pipes, they were just
going different directions. (audience laughs) I think it serves to
say, they were bad tits. Just when I am laughing at
those tits, cops pull up. One cop gets out, thinks he
can handle this, but he can't. It is a fucking melee of
wigger huge white women. Huge! Furious, scratched up. People were throwin'
eggs at 'em from windows so they're covered in yolk. Defeated. And the cop came and
he broke up the fight and he goes, "You girls
are getting arrested." Now, in talking to
this cop, I found out, he was so embarrassed
at the idea of having to call for backup for these four
just human wastages (audience laughs) that he actually
gave them a choice. He said, "Here's what
I can fit in the car. (laughs) "I can arrest three of ya,
or I can arrest Atrocity." And in some noble last
effort of friendship, the three girls as if to not
make Atrocity feel so gross, took the fall, they went down. And Atrocity walked
off, hand in lump, with that fuckin'
Puerto Rican guy, and got the best sad,
uncircumcised sex of her life. That is my story,
thank you guys so much. (audience applauds and cheers) (dubstep music) - Thank Jay Oakerson, everybody. That's the story, fuck yeah, one of the best stories
I've ever heard. So last week, I told you
guys to leave comments about the best
fights you've seen or the best fights
you've been in. So here are some really good
ones that you guys posted. Next week, I'm asking
you in honor of Big Jay's disgusting affair that he saw, I want you to
leave some comments about some really gross
things that you've seen that you wish that you hadn't. Until then, don't forget to
check out the Reddit link to join in the discussion. Use this is not
happening as a hashtag, follow me on Twitter, and next
week Joe Rogan, everybody! I'm really excited.
