- Yeah, somebody's like,
"That's cheating." I'm like,
"This is fucking drug hiding. There's no...
there's no rules." This isn't Milton Bradley,
all right? Fucking they won.
They did it exactly right. They got the pot,
and they ate it. [police siren blaring
in the distance] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> [coughs] <i> ♪ </i> Ha! Yes!
[laughs] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [truck horn honks] <i> ♪ </i> [cheers and applause] He's got his own podcast
called "The Skeptic Tank." Please give it up
for Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody! [cheers and applause] I-I go to UFC events a lot,
and my friend gets me tickets-- Joe Rogan.
He's my buddy. And I like to get high. I like to get super fucking high
and go to UFC events. The first three or four
were really fun, you know. It was exciting,
people punching each other, but then it got fucking boring
after a little bit, so I needed to get blasted
on marijuana edibles. Yeah, my friend's like,
"How do you smuggle 'em in?" I'm like, "In your stomach,
that's how you smuggle them in." Just as soon as you get
to the parking lot, you just eat that shit
and then fucking have a great time
at the UFC. It's, like, six hours long. Those pot cookies last
sometimes six, seven hours. And we--in L.A.,
we have the best system. You just go to a dispensary
like a fucking gentleman, stop by a store,
say, "What are you doing?" Like, "I'm going
to a UFC event." They're like, "Oh, I got
just the cake for you," and they'll fucking pick
one out. They'll help you
with it, too. Anyway, so we take
these pot breath strips. Have you guys ever had
the pot breath strips, the marijuana breath strips? No? All right, well--
You've had them. They're great.
They come two to a pack. They're in those little, like,
Ziploc bags-- the ones that
are, like, that big, the ones that
are, like, only for drugs. [laughter] There's nothing else you have
to keep fresh in that size. Like, what else-- What, you have to keep
one apple seed from going sour? I don't know
how they manufacture those and think they're
for anything else. They're for fucking heroin
and crack and a little bit
of pot edibles, so... They're breath strips. They're like Listerine breath
strips, but they have-- I don't know
how they make them-- scientists, pothead scientists
that put marijuana in them. The proper dose is half of one. They come two to a pack,
so it's a party for four. And you have to fold it in half
and crease it and then tear it in half. You eat half.
The other person eats half. It does not make your breath
smell good, by the way. Yeah, it makes it
smell like weed. You need a real breath strip
after you're done with it. So one time I took a full one. Oh, no, I took one
and a quarter, 'cause somebody
wasn't gonna join in. So we're like, "Fuck it.
Let's just keep going." And I was high for 27 hours. [laughter] Yeah, it's too long
to be high for. I woke up in the morning. I was
like, "I'm really groggy." And then by 3:00 p.m., I'm like,
"Why am I still groggy? Oh, I'm high as shit.
I'm still super high." So I take them with Joey Diaz. We take them.
We sit there. We're like,
"Oh, I kind of feel them." And then after a while,
we're like... Like, you just get blasted. It's a fun way
to watch the fights. It really is. It's hard to score the cards... like, to score the rounds. Like, "Who's winning?" I'm like, "I don't know. "They're both trying
really hard. "I know they're both good
at sweating, "so maybe one round apiece. I don't know." Yeah, when somebody
does get like, "He won 30-27," you're like,
"Oh, so close!" And everyone's like,
"It was a blowout." You're like,
"Well, I don't know, man. I don't know." It's the best way
to watch fights. And I would tell people on
podcasts and stuff and on Twitter how I did it, and people are like,
"Oh, that sounds so cool." And after a while, I was like,
I feel bad for the people who can't live life
like a California person does, you know,
doesn't have access to the medical grade marijuana
shit we have all the time. So I decided I was gonna,
like, bring some to Vegas to a fight
and just give 'em to a fan, and just let him watch a UFC
the way I watch UFC, fucking obliterated
out of my mind on a marijuana edible. And instead of just
handing it to somebody, I decided I was gonna have
a scavenger hunt. Yeah, so Rogan does the
weigh-ins on Friday afternoons, and then the fights
are on Saturday night. So half the stadium will get
shut down for the weigh-ins, and I can walk back there
with him. So I have access to half
of the MGM Grand Garden Arena. I can just walk around,
and I just hid stuff. I just--they're, like,
that small, they hide anywhere. So I taped it to the bottom
of a men's bathroom sink, and then I made
a bunch of clues. Like, on the second floor,
I made a bunch of clues, and I put 'em on Twitter,
like, every two minutes. I timed 'em out for when
the fight started the next day. One was like, "If you want
to get high, go up a level," you know, I made--
second floor, you know? And then, like, "Don't forget
to relieve yourself before a long trip,"
shit like that. And eventually
somebody got to the bathroom. He followed the clues, got to the bathroom,
was like, "I think it's here," and fucking went
underneath the sink and pulled off
this little drug bag. And he fucking did it.
He had a great time. Yeah, I felt like Robin Hood,
everybody. It was wonderful. [cheers and applause] It's the power of giving. And I started doing it
more and more. I got off on it. For 20 bucks, you could
make someone's day. I would tape them to a pillar,
like, down here, just this small, you know? You can just tape it
right there. And I went to see
if, um, somebody found it, and I was walking by
the section it was in. Like, this is, like,
three fights later. I went by like this
to, like, see. And some usher comes by,
and he goes, "What you're looking for
is no longer here." [laughter]
Yeah. I guess a bunch of people
had come by, like, looking. 'Cause that's the thing--
I don't tweet, like, "Hey, party's over.
Somebody found it." I just, like, put the clues out, and then when somebody gets it,
they get it. Oh, it's great.
It's so much fun. And then I started doing it
at comedy shows, too. One time I just taped
those breath strips to the bottom of a chair
in Philadelphia, and then I wrote on Twitter--
no clues. It was like, if you follow me,
look under your chair. If you find it, you get it. If not, somebody
at the next show will get it. If not, somebody
at the next show will get it. So the very first show,
Wednesday night, these two, like,
22-year-old kids-- they just waited
till the show was over and went under all the chairs. Yeah, and they found it. Yeah, somebody's like,
"That's cheating." I'm like,
"This is fucking drug hiding. There's no...
there's no rules." This isn't Milton Bradley,
all right? Fucking they won.
They did it exactly right. They got the pot,
and they ate it. So, yeah, it was a lot of fun. One time I hid a lollipop
in Austin, outside in the parking lot,
outside Cap City Comedy Club. And some pregnant lady
found it. - Ha!
- Yeah. She was like,
"Is this safe to eat?" And I'm like, "I don't think
they've done any studies "on that at all, so... Yeah, eat it.
I would eat it." Better safe than sorry,
you know? 'Cause what if
she didn't eat it, and then they do tests, like,
years later, and they find out
it would've been safe and she didn't eat it? She'd never forgive herself. [laughter] Is that what
"better safe than sorry" means? Am I interpreting it right? So my friends are like,
"You're gonna get in trouble." I'm like, "I'm not gonna get
in trouble. I'll be fine. I'll be totally fine,"
because I'm a good person. I'm like Robin Hood. Robin Hood didn't get
in trouble, did he? [laughter] All right, anyway,
back to my story. So I was
in the Mall of America, and people are like,
"Are you gonna bring those"-- We called it
"hunt for the edible." That's what I did. That was a hashtag on Twitter--
"hunt for the edible." And I would delete all the clues
after somebody found them. I would go back there
and fucking delete them all. Anyway,
I was in Mall of America. I was like, "Well, what better
place to bring fucking drugs... you know? So I hid, uh, I hid
these marijuana breath strips in an underwear aisle
of a J. Crew at the Mall of America. Yeah, there was a--there was
a comedy club upstairs. Rick Bronson's House Of Comedy
was all the way upstairs, and I hid it, and then
I made a bunch of clues. And, I mean, this is big.
Mall of America's massive. There was, like, 50 people running around
the Mall of America looking for these
pot breath strips. And, anyway,
I sent out all the clues on, like, auto-release. So, every two minutes,
one would go out. And then I was outside my show
getting ready to go on. I was just texting,
and all of a sudden, I heard somebody to my right,
"Ari, can we talk to you?" And I looked up, and it was
a Mall of America cop. Yeah, and then on my left was a Minneapolis, like,
state trooper. And I was like,
"Well, fuck. All right." [laughs] And I was like,
"What's going on?" And they go,
"Did you hide drugs in the underwear aisle
of a J. Crew?" [laughter] And, I mean,
I was gonna deny it, but that wasn't a lucky guess,
you know? Like, they must've already known
at some point. They're not just going
to random people-- "Did you hide drugs
at a J. Crew underwear aisle?" No. So I was like,
"Yeah, I did, so?" And they're like,
"That's super illegal here." I'm like, "Yeah, obviously.
I'm really scared." By the way, mall cops,
in general, they can go fuck themselves. They don't have
any power whatsoever. I was with Dice once,
and he was smoking in a mall. I think at the Beverly Center. And I was like,
"What are you doing, man? You can't smoke in a mall." And he goes,
"Really? I'm smoking, so..." [laughter] Yeah. And then some mall cop
comes up. He's like, "You got to put
that cigarette out." He goes, "Okay,"
and he fucking stamps it out and was like,
"There. Sorry." And then we walked away. And I'm like,
"See, you got in trouble." He's like, "No, I smoked half
a cigarette. You smoked none." Good point, Dice Man.
Good point. So, uh... But these Mall of America cops,
they're, like, top shelf. Of those shitty mall cops,
they're the best of the best. They have their own jail
and stuff. So I had to talk my way
out of it with the mall cop and with the fucking
state trooper. And so Rick Brunson--
he got on the phone. He lives in Edmonton. The guy who owned the comedy
club got on the phone with me. He goes, "Don't smile.
I'm gonna talk to you. "Don't smile, 'cause they're
looking at you, so... "No matter what I say.
Act like I'm yelling, I guess. I don't know." He goes, "First of all,
I don't give a shit. "Like, I know this is
an early booking for you, "but we'll have you back--
don't worry about it. "But I can talk you out
of trouble with the mall cops. "They wanted to ban you
from the mall forever, but that's not gonna happen." He goes, "Did you hide acid
at an H&M?" And I was like, "No." [laughter] "Is that what people
are saying?" And he goes, "Yeah." I'm like, "No. I mean, yeah,
keep saying that. "That sounds way cooler,
but, no. I hid marijuana at a J. Crew." And...
and he goes, "What is it?" I'm like,
"It's marijuana breath strips." He goes, "They make
your breath smell good?" I'm like, "No, they do not. They make your breath
smell awful." And he goes, "Well, listen, "okay, you're for sure
going to jail. "I can get you out of trouble
with the mall cop, "but the Minneapolis trooper--
like, you're going to jail. "But I need you to do me
a favor, man. "Next time you come, I was like, "All right, fine." And so I got back. They start calling, like, anyone else in town
that could headline the show, 'cause I'm not gonna be
able to, you know? Right then, some fan,
by the way, came over. A lot of times my fans give me,
like, weed on the road, which is pretty cool. And some lady, she, like--
into her purse. She's like,
"Ari, can I talk to you?" 'Cause the cops are behind me
by, like, five feet. And I was just like,
"No, no, don't." Like, I'm like...
you know? It's that thing when you open up
the door and a cop's there. Like, "Everything all right?" Like, "Yeah, everything's fine,"
you know? But I had to say it
without saying it, you know? And so I was like, "No, no." But then it was
just Swedish Fish, so... So, anyway,
so this Minneapolis trooper, he's like, "Explain to me
what happened here," and I was like,
"I-I hide...you know... "marijuana
across the country... "in, like, different areas
to give people the experience of what it's like
to live in California." And he was like,
"You sell this stuff?" I'm like, "No, I don't sell it.
I just give it away. I'm like Johnny Appleseed,
I guess." [laughs]
Like--like--Johnny Appleweed! Fuck! [audience groaning] For sure that's
what I should have said! [cheers and applause] And I'm like, "First of all, how did you find out
that I did that?" And he goes,
"Here's your Twitter feed, man. "It's just a list of clues. "It's just you going, 'Here are
the drugs I'm about to hide.' "And then the next one's like, "'Here's where I'm hiding
the drugs.' "And then fucking 17 clues on how to find the place
where you hid the drugs. He's like, "I'm not gonna get
my fucking detective badge for this." And I guess
what happened was the first guy to follow the clue
went in there, found it, went
right to the underwear aisle, was like, "Oh, here it is,"
was like, "Yeah!" And then he left,
and then somebody else was following the clues,
like, two minutes behind, and they went in there,
and they're like, "Oh, nothing's there,"
and they go, "It must be here somewhere,"
and they just start fucking... throwing shit around
in the underwear aisle of the J. Crew
until they got kicked out. And then five minutes later,
somebody else would come in and just start
fucking throwing-- Like, "Where the fuck
are these drugs?" It happened, like,
eight or nine times to them, and they're like, "Are we
in the worst terrorist attack of all time?" So then somebody called
one of the employees and was like, "Hey,
I saw there's some drugs being hid under your thing,"
and they found me. It was super easy to find me,
and so... this cop was like, "All right,
so explain to me what it is. It's marijuana
inside a breath strip?" I'm like, "Yeah." He asked me the same--"Does it
make your breath smell?" "No, it's terrible." And I think he thought I was just, like,
a good person, I guess. [sighs] And I didn't have
any ill intention. I wasn't selling it. I wasn't
trying to make a profit. I was just giving it to people--
Johnny Appleweed. [laughter] And he goes,
"So explain this to me, "was it a real breath strip, or was it
a marijuana breath strip?" And I was like, "It was
a marijuana breath strip." And he goes, "No, no, no,
was it a real breath strip, or was it
a marijuana breath strip?" And I was like,
"You no, no, no. "You didn't hear
what I just said? "I just told you
the fucking answer, idiot. "You fucking
hard of hearing? It was
a marijuana breath strip." And he goes, "No, idiot,
listen to what I'm saying to you "out loud where people
can hear me. "Was it a real breath strip, or was it
a marijuana breath strip?" And I was like,
"Oh, ho, ho, ho, all right. "Oh, man, I misunderstood
the question completely "the last two times. "I did not get that at all. "Now that I hear it completely, "I'd like to strike from the
record my other two answers, "'cause those were
completely wrong. "Uh, that was
a real breath strip. I hid a real breath strip
in the J. Crew underwear aisle." And he goes, "Well,
then that's just mischief, "so I don't see a crime here. Go apologize
to the manager of the J. Crew." And he let me off, and that is when I figured out
what white privilege is. [laughter,
cheers, and applause]
Shooting seasons 3&4 back to back, production starts May 25 for about one month. (My company supplies the camera gear)