- He was on his knees
in the alley in the back, and they were standing there
like, "Cut his ear off! Cut his ear off,
Dashonthany!" And he goes, "Yeah, man, I
didn't want to do it, "but, you know, they
were all yelling, so... I was just like, 'Fuck it, man''
I cut his ear off." [motorcycle humming] <i> [exciting music]</i> [engine revving] [yelling] [motorcycle revving] <i> ♪</i>♪ [tires skidding] <i> ♪</i>♪ [bullet firing] <i> ♪ </i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - Welcome to
"This is Not Happening." I'm your host, Ari Shaffir. And today,
the topic is "crime." [cheers and applause] You might know him from
his popular podcast on Sirius and iTunes
called "Race Wars." Please give it up for
Mr. Kurt Metzger, everybody. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - I relate to Ari because
he was gonna be a rabbi, and I was a--
I actually was a minister. I was a Jehovah's Witness. And, uh, I was born into it. Is anybody raised
religious in here? This is two different
stories, by the way, that connect
in a very weird way. You were?
What were you? <i> - Pentecostal.</i> - Oh, that's the natural
vampires versus werewolves of Jehovah's Witnesses. Oh, they don't like us. You know why?
I used to live down south. They didn't like me because
I didn't believe in hell. Like, why would you get
mad at me for that? Well, people hear it
and they're like, "Oh, you can't
do your birthdays?" And, uh...
I don't know, Prince? Those are the two things... It's not well-known. It's just a regular
doomsday cult. It's no bid deal.
Um... But I'm not bitter against it,
and I, you know-- I kind of
appreciate it, you know, because it really taught
me how to lie, you know? Like... If you're raised religious,
that's what it really gives you: the life skill of, like,
who to lie to and when and why. Like, you...
you can't get that from a secular education. You need, like,
higher stakes, you know? To really act like your life
depends on it, you know? 'Cause your immortality
fucking depends on it, so... that's when you really learn. Right? It's a valuable
skill to have. I'm sure you got it
in spades, right? You were like--
were you one of them, like, [babbling] those guys? Yeah. So that's the--
you see how you learn? At first you tell yourself that
this is "God's language." [laughter] That--you tell yourself that,
and that's reality. So other lies come
easy once you know how to do that
magic, right? And you get, like,
a secret life. And, you know, when
religious people go bad, everyone jumps on them,
'cause you think you're not supposed to sin, but they're
really just doing shit everybody does, it's just
they built it up so much, that they're not
that kind of person. So that's why it's so
devastating. You're in your head,
you're like, "I'm not a guy that does things like this." Right? So when I grew up out
of the church I was in, I realized everybody was
doing, like, soap opera, epic... just fucking--
all kinds of crazy shit that I had no
idea as a kid-- like, I'm the sucker that
followed it, I felt like. 'Cause I really did, you know? Like, I was raised-- I was told never to
masturbate, ever. Like,<i>that</i>religious. Like, an adult said,
"You should never...never-- if all goes perfectly, you
will have never masturbated." An adult with a straight
face said that to me. And, uh--yeah, you know what
happened, by the way, to a grown man? Just medically,
if he never masturbated? No.
Nobody knows. It's never been
attempted by anyone, but I'm supposed to be
the first man in history to not jerk my dick off. Like, "Kurt, we think you
could be the chosen one, so... We've all--
we've all failed." You know? Yeah, but it's that
kind of stuff, right? And, uh, so,
but ours was a espe-- like, what's especially
hard about Jehovah's Witnesses was, uh--or why people might
think it's cult-y is, you have to do it, okay? That's what made the hardest
part about the religion. It's not like--
like, Catholics, I always envy. 'Cause that's, like, so great. You just get to be Catholic.
You don't have to do nothing. Right?
What're you gonna do? You watch, like,
mafia movies. You never see them
take the guy... "Hey, uh, Mr. Soprano, don't
come to this church no more because you're a murderer." You don't--they don't say that.
It's cool. We had to do ours, or you get
disfellowshipped, right? Which is, like, cast out. And all your friends are
in the congregation. They set it--
It's set up that way. Your real friends are in your--
are Jehovah's Witnesses. The rest of you are
nice, like we could be acquaintances, but... you know, God's
gonna exterminate you off this earth, so... Don't get too attached. [laughs] You seem like nice
people, but you know. We didn't have hell, though. But it was still all--
everything on you. So people would have
secret lives, right? So this is the first--this is
about a sex crime, this story. And, uh... Yeah.
Yeah. When I was eight, my brother was
born and my mom's best friend in the church,
her son babysat me. He was 13, okay?
We'll call him "Josh." And, uh, he was like--
he was like an adult to me, 'cause I was eight, you know?
This 13-year-old. When I think back on that,
it's funny, 'cause he was
like really skinny. It's the '80s, so he's got
like a Luke Skywalker butt cut kind of hair.
Right? And he's--Jeffrey Dahmer glasses
that everybody had. And, uh, real skinny, but like
really high shorts, okay? And, uh, so he--I was just
alone with him the whole day. And, uh, he didn't molest me or
something, we just had to watch "The Honeymooners,"
which I didn't care for. 'Cause I was eight.
That's not the sex crime. That--it went fine.
We just spent the day together. [laughter] He was a nice church boy.
It wasn't anything. Um...so, but a few years later,
when he got to high school, he started working
out a lot, this guy. And, uh, but just his top. He was one of those
dudes, right? And it was before people really
started calling you on that, so he really... Yeah, I mean, he did ster--
I don't know if he just shot the steroids on the
top part like that. I don't know what he did. But he...just gigantic-- but the same legs I remember
from 13 and the same hair, but it was just smaller
on his big steroid head now. [laughter] But he was a hulking man now. He was, like, 17. And, uh...yeah,
everybody was like, "Jesus, Josh is huge." Like, real--
it was very impressive, right? And, uh, then,
even more impressive, he ended up banging
his geometry teacher. [laughter] Yeah. His geometry teacher, uh...
I guess statutory raped him. [laughs] And they didn't really
charge you back then. You know? They just handled
it at the school. She got fired, and uh... She got divorced, and then,
uh, it was a big scandal. 'Cause I heard about it through
the Jehovah Witness grapevine. Right?
That was the--the gossip. And, uh--so the developments
were amazing when they come in. But then the most amazing
development was she decided she wanted
to study the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. So, they have to let you. So guess what? She started coming
to the church, and uh-- you know, Josh's mom
wasn't too thrilled, but what's she gonna do? She can't say
nothing about it. And, uh,
then they got married. She studied--this was
over a four year period. She became a Jehovah's Witness
and they married and became a nice
Christian couple. She was real hot, too. She was like a real--before even
the word "MILF" was a thing, like she was that
and she was, like... Like, it was the sisters
of the congregation that were, like, giving her
the side-eye. The brothers, like,
"That kid's awesome." Like, first of all,
he's got a great upper body. Start with that. Had the same haircut
for over eight years. You know, it wasn't
as much of a thing for-- I remember my dad, like... And, uh, yeah.
So that's the end of that. That sex crime just ended with
a nice church couple, basically. A little May-December romance. Uh, and then--so then,
this is the second story, which, for some reason
that I don't understand, relates to that story
and it shouldn't. But, uh, when I got--I was,
like, 19, and I got out of high school and I wanted to--
I didn't go to college, I wanted to, like, have
a job for some reason first. And, uh, I worked at the this
place called Funcoland. Which is a...
they sell videogames. It's called GameSpot now. I don't know why I looked at
you like you would know, dude. [laughs] This backyard wrestler
understands what I'm saying. It's a video game store.
[laughter] Okay. And, uh, I got hired as
assistant manager right away by this guy, uh, Ricardo,
let's call him. He was this Puerto Rican guy
who was 30 when I was 19. And he was, uh--
he was also a Jehovah's Witness from the Spanish
congregation, okay? And, uh, but he just, like--
we just got along. So he hired me as
assistant manager. And I was kind of
a jerk off, you know? But uh, he had a violent temper,
and would yell at me until I did the job good. And, uh-- and he was, like,
really light-skinned, blue-eyed Puerto Rican guy
from the islands, so he looked down
on anybody from here. I don't know if you know
the politics of that. Of, like, Puerto Ricans
versus other Puerto Rican kind of people,
but it's intense. And, uh... but he would, like, call me
"white boy" a lot, but he was like very white,
you know? And, uh-- and we would play fighting
games and he would break his controllers 'cause he
thought I was being too cheap. He goes,
"You cheap me out, man! Why don't you be a man?" And he'd break his controller.
[laughs] He broke, like, three
controllers. Talking like Mandy Patinkin from
"The Princess Bride" to me. "You killed my father!" So... But he did really man me up.
I got to give it to him. And I--he ended up getting
fired for something, but I became the manager
and he had trained me. So now, I'm like 20, and I'm
the manager of Funcoland. And, uh, I live at my parent's
and I make $24,000 a year, so that's pretty awesome,
you know? And, uh, I had to hire an
assistant manager. And, uh, the guy
that I hired-- uh, I interviewed a
whole bunch of people, and, you know, retail--
with a job like that, you just want to find
someone you can hang out with, right? That's really your main-- They won't steal
too much and--you know? That's all you're looking for,
'cause it's a nightmare. You know how retail is? Like, that just--that, you know,
you have that store greeting. "Great day at Funcoland!"
You have to say that. Like, they think
people want that. And then they have snitches
that call to make sure you're telling people
you're having a great fucking
day at Funco. "I'm having a great day!" "Yes, great leader!" So, but because I was
religious, I was good at that kind of sh--
that stuff, you know? Little stupid rules for no
reason that you have to follow. And I had training
from the Bible. [laughter] So I hired this guy,
he was from Philly. This black guy from Philly. And, uh, he was
older than me, too, and he was like--
he was just the first guy that I just, like, got along
with really well, okay? And he was, like,
pretty 'hood. From like-- and, you know, now I live
in a straight-up ghetto, so it's not new to me now,
but if you're from the suburbs, and have no--you know,
you have maybe black friends if you're white,
but they're not, like, what you imagine from TV,
right? This is, like--this is the
TV coming to work for me. You know? It's not all, like,
guys with the sideways gun, there's levels of it. There's, like--
there's hustler guys and like... there's white-collar
of that shit. So he was that.
He was a smarter dude. So, uh... yeah, he had been a--
like, an enforcer for this crack
dealer in Philly. [laughter] Like, he had to go--
he told me he had to, like, get people. And, uh...
[laughs] Yeah, and I think it's this
chick that I saw on "Gangland." I just put it
together recently. Called the "Queen Pin," 'cause
I'm like, it's a female, it's--the timeline works.
I think that's who it was. Now looking back.
Um... Yeah, so like, if you owed
like a small amount of money, he would come just mess you up.
and, uh--'cause you have to. That's how that economy--
you can't let that go. You know?
You'll be dead. You have to send this-- send, uh,
let's call him Dashonthany. You have to send Dashonthany. Let's just mix all the names
together: Dashonthany. Um... But he had been a
violin prodigy, okay? And I swear to God,
this is the story. He was a violin prodigy that
tested out of dum-dum school that he was in, and they put
him in a arts high school, 'cause he was like some
kind of mega IQ guy and he just hung out
with bad people and just dropped
out of that school and became a
crack enforcer. And, uh, he told me he had--
the reason he moved was he was going after this
one guy who was real big, and he got kind of close to the
guy, and the guy just hit him without warning, and, like,
cracked his rib or something. And he said, like,
he felt like crying. He's like, "Yeah actually, fuck
it. I cried a little bit." And then, uh--and then he
ran up and like kicked this dude in the chest
and the guy didn't get up. So he moved to my town
to work for me at Funcoland. [laughter] Yeah, that--
all of this I learned in the interview,
by the way. Did I mention that? This was all told during
the interview process. I mean, it was riveting. You know,
he's like a Netflix series. I was like,
"You're hired right now." [laughter] So it was, like, awesome
to hang out with this dude. And, uh, he's into like
martial arts and stuff, so he would, like--
we would go to like flea markets and buy, like... It's like hanging out with
Wesley Snipes or something. We would buy karate weapons. Impractical karate weapons
that you would never use. And he would show me how
to play with them and, like, all kinds of stuff
that--I'm not supposed to do none of this stuff,
'cause I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I can't play with violent... I couldn't even have
guns on my "Star Wars" men. My mom took the guns
off my "Star Wars" men. So I just had men. Thanks for the men! [laughter] So finally someone's
giving me some man time! So...uh, yeah. So he, uh--some, partway--
he was a great employee. He was like sell all
the commissionable stuff really fast
and the customers loved him 'cause he was a charming dude.
He was great. And, uh, he was
very, like, supportive. Like, he was always
building up my self-esteem. [laughter] [laughs] And, uh, later I worked in
Jersey City and these guys-- I ended up getting in a fight
with some people and I thought they were gonna kill me
'cause that's a bad area and he drove up
with a gun to just watch me. Like, he was down.
He was a down dude. So, he started
selling crack on the side to supplement
his Funcoland income, okay? It was Bricktown, New Jersey,
so he was, like, the only game in town. And, uh, now he had an enforcer
who was called "Zumo," okay? I hadn't--
I'd never met him. But just imagine hearing
that name, Zumo. And he would
complain about Zumo. [laughs] He was like,
"Zumo smokes too much products and he's too violent."
Okay? He almost beat
this guy to death. Like, 'cause he wasn't
like a gangster in his head. He was like, "I'm in Bricktown,
it's just a little side... I just sell crack
to friends, man." [laughs] He wasn't, like, you know,
starting an empire. And meanwhile,
Zumo is like some maniac, but you always have
a new, terrible-- and this guy, Dashonthany,
had done some shit himself. Like, he told me he cut
a guy's ear off once. Somebody had robbed him. Like, he got mugged and didn't
know he was connected to this lady, so his boys
found the guy at a club and called them over there
and he was on his knees in the alley in the back
and they're standing around like, "Cut his ear off!" "Cut his ear off,
Dashonthany!" [laughter] And, uh, and he--
we were putting games away while he was telling me,
and he goes--and he goes, "Yeah, man, I didn't want
to do it, but, you know, "they were all yelling, so... I was just like, 'fuck it man,'
I cut his ear off." Right? I was putting away
"Bubsy 2" for Sega Genesis. On the wall--
As I remember the happy char-- [mumbles indistinctly] But it was just fascinating
and I, you know, I'm a church kid,
so that's amazing to me, just anything like that. So l loved hanging out with him,
but I was always, like, "What if, you know...
Moses were alive and saw--" Like, just some weird Bible-y
shit they put in your head. They told us to imagine Bible
characters are watching you. So I'm like,
"What if Moses saw?" [laughter] But I'm not supposed
to be hanging out with this person, okay? At all.
Like, a friend like that, okay? He's not one of us
and he sells crack and he has a Zumo
working for him. [laughter] I could get disfellowshipped
if somebody found out. That's where you're,
like, out of the thing. That's like a disconnecting
or whatever, right? And, uh, so I'm at his house,
we're playing with butterfly knives
that we bought and he's showing me
how to do all the cool-- I know how to do all them--
I could do all of them 'cause he, this guy showed me
and, uh, while I'm doing that, I hear:
bang bang bang bang bang! On his door.
Like a violent-- I felt like someone
was coming to get me in trouble
for not playing. Like, it was a such
a nerve-racking sound. And, uh, he goes,
"Ah, man, Zumo's here." I'm like, "Oh, shit." Now I'm in too deep 'cause-- I'd like to just hang out with
him without ever--you know? And, uh, so door
opens up and, uh... It's fucking Josh,
the guy that babysat me and fucked his teacher. [laughter] Uh...in addition to
already an impressive resume-- [laughter] [laughs] By nights he controls
the streets as Zumo. [cheers and applause] Yeah. I, uh, couldn't
believe it. We were both like,
"Man, what're you doing here?" [laughs] Yeah, and then,
uh, him and that-- that teacher
ended up getting divorced, 'cause he's a crackhead.
That's the end of it. All right, that's my story.
Thanks. [cheers and applause] <i> [upbeat music]</i> <i> ♪ </i>
#TeamKurt
Oh my god, some of these JW references are very relatable.
Won't see him no more.
I love Kurt Metzger.