- [Jay] And then I was like,
now you have to look at Kurt's dick for one minute. And she goes, how about I
just fuck all three of you? (electronic music) (crowd cheering) - Here's the show,
it's very simple. It's just a bunch
of funny people, and we're all
telling true stories. Ladies and gentlemen, one of
the best storytellers I know, Mr. Big Jay Oakerson,
everybody, let him hear it! - I'm going to tell
you guys the story of a few young men coming of age, being myself, my friend
Glenn, and my friend Kurt. This is early in
my comedy career, so early, in fact, that
we're getting ready to go be guests on my other
friend's AM radio station. And we walk in to go
talk our comedy shit, and we sit down with this girl, who one of the studio
people tell us, why is there a
girl in the studio? And one of my buddies goes,
oh man, that chick's awesome. We all banged her last week. And I was like... one at a
time? I was a little naive. One at a time? And
he goes, no dude, all three of us
banged her at once. And I was like, that
sounds intriguing. As an adult, now, at 36,
that sounds kind of AIDS-y, but as like, you know, at 22
I'm like, can I have some? I wanna have some. And he goes, probably. Now, I'd like to point
out first that this girl, and I'm just being honest, this girl is a real-world four, but she's a gang-bang eight. Does that make sense? So, I think my first
suggestion is I go, hey, what are you doing after
this AM radio show? And she goes, going home. I go, well, we should
all come hang out and play truth or dare. That's my big idea. At 22, little old
for truth or dare, but it always works,
I don't know why. Like, girls will do
anything if you phrase it in a truth or
dare, it's amazing. You could be like, dare,
like, blow everybody, and they're like, this
is so unfair... okay. Hold my gum. Everyone has to finish? Okay. That's what we're banking on. So, we're driving to our
place, she gets in our car, we're driving over there, and
we stop at a convenience store because we're responsible. We gotta buy some condoms, and it's up to me to
go in and buy condoms. So, I go buy six normal condoms. A package of six,
that's two condoms each, that's pretty good. For a gang-bang?
Two condoms a piece? We go back to this girl's
house, where she lives, and I'm not lying to
you, in the attic. It's her parent's home, but
they keep her in the attic like some kind of
Whore-back of Notre Dame. They just sit up
there, and just like, take cocks with one hand
and ring a bell every hour. Bing, bong! (eating noises) First thing we noticed,
her bed broken, one leg completely off, and
it's down on the ground. And I go, what's up with that? And this is her
answer, she goes, oh, I had some friends in
from the military last week. She's gang-banging weekly,
and sometimes taking on entire fleets of Marines,
which is pretty aggressive. I mean, I don't know
if you get one of those USO coins for that, but
she should have one. So, we're doing
some truth or dare, and I'm like, show
us your boobs. And she's very bored with
this, she's like, whatever. But we're still young men,
we're like, oh, boobs. Like, we're so excited, and
we're like, show your vagina. I don't want to say pussy,
because it seems too gruff. Show your vagina, and
she's like, whatever. And then I was like,
now you have to look at Kurt's dick for one
minute, and she goes, how about I just fuck
all three of you? And I actually went, what? Come on. Here? I don't know... Can we? Alright. (laughter) Oh, well, thank God I have this completely closed
box of condoms. Now, I'm going to describe to
you how the three of us look. We're not a very fuckable
group, me and Kurt and Glenn. Glenn looks pretty much like me, if somebody dropped
an anvil on my head. Just a little bit shorter,
and a little bit wider. And Kurt is a tall, lanky dude. And, we start divvying
out these condoms, everybody gets their condom,
me and Glenn put our condoms, our regular condoms, on our
very regular white dicks. Rolls down, not even fully,
little bit of space left. And Kurt pulls out
this fuckin'... Kurt... He pulled out a
dick that's like, upsets other dudes
when he pulls it out. And he did it with...
Once he saw our dicks, and us just doing a
little like, you know, holding the tip and... Trying to roll down this condom. He pulled his huge
dick out so... he just splayed it
out in the room. It was so fucking big. He was wearing a Hulkamania
shirt, his dick actually... His dick did this
when he pulled it out, and I was like, I'm not going
to cheer for you, so stop. (laughter) And we were so friggin'
impressed by this thing, but now I'm worried, I'm like, I've never seen a dick that big. In fact, when he pulled it out,
I tried to make fun of him. I go, aha, Kurt's
dick's already hard, and he goes, no it ain't,
and I go, holy shit. I just stared at his dick
the rest of the time, like this is somethin', huh? Mmm... Is that real? That all you? His huge dick's just flopping, then I start seeing a struggle
like I've never seen before. He goes to put on his regular
condoms over this barrel cock, and he puts the first one on,
it gets about halfway down, and explodes around his
dick like a fuckin', like a cartoon cigar. (imitates small explosion) The other one, he
starts rolling, it just, pa-choom, just shoots
across the room. And then he looks at two
fat guys with small dicks and he goes, what do I do now? I'm like, I don't know man, this is a problem I've
never been faced with. Like, garbage bag and a rubber
band, or like fuckin'... This girl is so fantastic,
this is her solution, she goes, go down to
my car, I got some Magnum condoms in my car. The big dick
condoms, in her car! What a prepared whore. I don't know if there's
a Girl Scout badge for that kind of preparedness,
but there should be. So, Kurt goes
downstairs to get this Magnum condom out of her
glove compartment box, and me and Glenn are
banging this chick. I don't even know if we
are, we're just like, on either side of her,
and it's just essentially three fat people making
hilarious fat sex noises. Just like, it sounds
like we're fucking or gasping for drowning air. (noises of exertion) Water... Water... What Kurt decided to
do, in the other room before he came in,
was get butt naked. Except for this giant
banana yellow Magnum condom, over his enormous
fuckin' pecker. And me and Glenn
are just going... And then all of a sudden,
Kurt comes in the room. Before Kurt, his dick
comes in the room first, and with every step...
it's a real boner, too... So, with every step it's doing
that kind of like, that... (buzzes) Like, it's vibrating
like the doorstop when you were a kid, like, (imitates doorstop vibrating) Like, a plank someone
just jumped off of, and where did they go? (laughter) And then Kurt, I mean,
he was wearing tube socks and a big banana yellow condom. He should have been wearing
a sash that was like, Mr. Awesome, 1985. And then he comes in the room,
and almost in a show of like, primal respect, me and Glenn
like, rolled out of the way, like synchronized swimmers,
like, oh, the headliner's here. And like... You've had your
appetizer, now comes... Kurt starts going to
work on this chick, I mean, really giving her the
business, which I'm impressed, 'cause here's the thing,
during me and Glenn she didn't make a lot of
noise, but granted so, two fat guys weighing
in a combined dick of, I don't know,
eight inches, tops. So, in two different
directions she's getting about five inches of dick
or so, a piece. Not that impressive. But now, Kurt comes in with
this porno quality wallop, and almost like we're
a fuck team, like, we're watching where it's like, oh yeah, you're going
to see now, bitch. Yeah, that's fine, but now
my dad's here. You'll see. He's gonna buy this
place, I became that kid. (laughter) And Kurt starts giving
her the business, And I know he's making
noises, he's sweating, and he's not fat at all,
he's giving it actual effort. And I'm like, she's
gonna see now... But she didn't. She
just took it so... I mean, she did everything
but give a shit. And at one point, I swear
to you, she says the word, she goes, we should go
to a diner after this. And I can see the
defeat starting to
build in Kurt's eyes, I'm like, we've got
to do something here. So, now we make it a team
effort, like we're going to make this girl make
some sex noises, like, she's gotta feel
this at some point. So, at one point, me and
Glenn... it's almost jokingly, but to do it for
fun, we're holding Kurt's feet up in the air. I'm holding his ball
sack back with my hands, we're taking everything
away, and making him just a completely aerodynamic
humongous penis. Like, we're gonna just
drill, and we're gonna like, stab her with his
cock into her vagina. And I just remember
that feeling of like, when I was like,
yeah, she'll see, and we're just, we're
ramming Kurt into her cooch. Just like, heave ho, and
like, me and Glenn are looking at each other over
Kurt's ass, like right? And I go, I bet she's crying
in vaginal pain right now. And I leaned around Kurt's ass
cheeks to take a look at her, and I swear to you,
on my daughter's life, these are the words that
came out of her mouth. She goes, bacon cheeseburger.
That's what I'm gonna get. I appreciate you guys, man. Thank you so much. (electronic music)
