<i> - She's looking at me, going,</i> "Too long. Come now." I'm like, "I'm trying!" I mean, I can't piss if my brother's on the same
floor as me at this age. She's yelling at me right here,
like, "You come now! Too long!" I'm like, "I'm fucking trying!" - Welcome to "This is Not
Happening." I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr. Now, tonight's episode--it's not
for the faint of heart. In fact, you might even
want to cover your ears. [jazz band plays note]
Because tonight... ♪ ♪ ♪ It's about to get filthy ♪ ♪ Dirty,
maybe just a little purdy ♪ ♪ It's about to be freaky ♪ ♪ Nasty ♪ ♪ Gonna make you want
to touch yourself ♪ ♪ I'm talking 'bout smut ♪ ♪ Talking 'bout sluts ♪ ♪ Talking 'bout putting stuff
in your butts ♪ ♪ It's gonna get icky ♪ ♪ Tricky ♪ ♪ It's about to get
a little sticky ♪ ♪ If you think
you can play ball ♪ ♪ Stick around,
it's about to go down ♪ ♪ Let's talk about filth ♪ ♪ Yeah, taking it from behind ♪ ♪ Dicks and tits and balls
and clits and assholes ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say taint ♪
- Taint! - ♪ Ah, masturbate ♪
- Masturbate! - ♪ Snail trail ♪
- Snail trail! - ♪ Dutch oven! ♪
- Dutch oven! - ♪ Out comes the shotgun ♪
- Shotgun! - ♪ Golden shower ♪
- Golden shower! - ♪ The cha-cha ♪
- The cha-cha! - ♪ Rusty trombone,
Rusty trombone ♪ ♪ Girl on girl
on guy on guy ♪ ♪ Just don't get it
in your eye ♪ ♪ Here we go, filth! ♪ <i> - Yeah, girl.</i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> He is the star of the series
"Delco Proper." This is Tommy Pope. <i> [cheers and applause]</i> - My dad has night terrors. [laughter] Real fucking deal, too. Night terrors is when you yell
in your sleep for no goddamn reason. Aah. Aah-aah-aah. Aah-aah-aah-aah. Coming from my parents' bedroom. Aah-aah-aah-aah. My entire childhood. Aah. Aah! [laughter] Like a drunk ghost. Aah. Aah! But my mother
only recently told us... out of nowhere. Recently. At a family party, she's talking
to one of my fat aunts. [laughter] All of my aunts
are built for winter. Let's... Out of nowhere, she points. She goes, "Tom, your father
has night terrors." I was like, "What?" Then she tells me what they are. And I was like, "Do you realize
for, like, 30 fucking years I thought Dad was just
a passionate lover? Just coming from his heels
every night, like... [moaning loudly] Every time I'd hear his death
rattle from the bedroom, like, "I guess we're getting
another little brother." And I was six. I was always
wondering about sex, so I was like, "I'm going in!" Charged down the hallway and... Aah. Aah-aah. It's building up.
I jam the door open. My mother's stiff as a board, already looking directly at me,
wide awake, like she was fucking waiting
for my arrival. My dad's going, "Aah-aah." She very calmly says, "Go back to sleep, hon." And I was like, "Well,
I'll never truly sleep again." Do you realize for years, that's
how I thought sex worked? The man just lays on his back
fist-fighting the night like... [grunting] And the woman guards the door
for intruders. Like a fucking bridge troll,
going, "Go back to sleep." [laughter] It's how I first learned
about sex. My whole family's fucked up. Whole family is fucked up. Crazy, real crazy,
like the real kind-- mental disorders,
drug addiction, alcoholism, abuse, violence, partying, sex. And one night all of these
things happened at once. I got two older brothers. My middle brother, Brian, got
kicked out of Texas A&M for hitting some dude over the
face with a pool stick in a bar fight. My oldest brother's bipolar. That's like being in a bar fight
every night... With yourself. But I convinced myself
I'm different. "You're different." Then I got older. I'm like, "You got to be
just like them," 'cause we all fell
out of my mom's saloon doors. I got to be next, right? Just waiting for the old crazy
switch to click the fuck on. My brother used to throw
the wildest parties, my oldest brother, and coming out the morning after
one of his parties was like coming out
from an underground bunker after a tornado hits. There's just debris everywhere,
and you're whistling for a dog that you know in your heart
is not there. [laughter] And one night--
I was 15 years old. I was a sophomore
in high school, and Steve was 21. My parents decided
we were finally old enough that they could go on vacation
for the very first time. We're mature enough. My brother took this opportunity
to gain my parents' trust, and he threw
his biggest fucking banger yet. Plastic on the carpets.
There was a keg in every room. There was a nitrous tank
in the kitchen. His friends were huffing nitrous out of my mother's
blue nursing surgical gloves. But this party was big
for me, too. This meant Kristen could sleep
over for the first time. 15, that's a big fucking deal,
you know? When you're 15,
any touch is a good touch. If I grazed a pillowcase at 15,
I'm like, "I'm up now. I am up." I wasn't a virgin
in high school, but I got laid in high school the way white people eat
Indian food... once a year, but you don't shut the fuck up
about it for six months. So Kristen and I finally get
to my parents' house, and it's a mob--
there's kids on the lawn, kids in the driveway,
kids on the back deck, and I'm scared for the first
time to walk in my own place, my own house. I grab her.
I'm like, "Stay close. "These people are animals. But I'm not like them." I walk in the door. I'm greeted by the ugliest man
I've ever seen in my life. He's 20 years old,
already balding, redheaded, with a lazy eye. Let that sink in. God was clearly hungover the day
he made this fucking monster. It's like he went to get to the
second eye and was like... [imitates snoring] Puts his hand on me. He's like, "What the fuck
are you doing here?" I'm like, "I live here." Nobody believes us
'cause we're so young. So now I'm pointing
at portraits on the wall, like, "That's fucking me! "Here we are at Disneyland
with my parents, who I'll call if you keep
fucking with me!" I finally find my brother in
the kitchen bent over the stove with all four burners
on full blast. He picks his head up. He's got a cigarette
in his mouth that's somehow lit
in the middle... and burning both directions like a Wile E. Coyote TNT wick. His eyebrows and his goatee
completely singed. So now the kitchen smells like
nitrous and fucking burnt hair. And his first comment,
he goes... [inhales deeply]
"Fuck are you doing here?" I'm like, "I fucking live here!" I grab her by the arm.
I'm like, "Let's go upstairs." And I just want to cozy
into my dry-humping station. And then minutes in,
all's you hear is... [knocking]
"Fuck! Go away!" And they just kept banging
and banging and banging, because everybody else is looking
for their own sex station. So I spent the rest of the night
cuddling her, telling her I'm different and protecting the door from
intruders like my mother did. And that's where the story
should've ended. But like I said,
my brothers are animals. So, a couple hours later, I get woken up by my brother's
best friend, Doss, who's also my landscaping boss. White trash. [laughter] Doss shakes me.
He's like, "Get up." Looks at her,
is like, "It's okay. "We're just gonna take him
downstairs real quick. We'll be right back." I know this is not true. Walk down the steps,
go right out the front door. The landscaping truck is already
running in the driveway. The cab is packed. And I'm like,
"I got nowhere to go." He's like, "Lay in the back,
keep your head down. If you pick it up, we'll get
pulled over by the cops." Dude from the cab's like, "Get in, pussy.
We're getting Asian." In my head, I'm like,
"Why don't we get it delivered?" But I do that thing--
when you're 15, you just curse unnecessarily,
and you just play along. I'm like, "Well, fuck you. You're the one getting leveled,
you piece of shit." And I just jump in. I'm in between two weed whackers
and a gas can. He pulls out. He's going quickly
60 miles an hour down side streets, and I start
mapping out my route, 'cause that's what they tell you
to do when you get kidnapped. You got to map out
your fucking route. So I'm like, "Okay, we're taking
a left on Marshall Road. "That's a right on State. "Why are we getting
on the highway? Why are we getting on 95?" 30 minutes of hell later, we pull into this small,
little back alley in Center City Philadelphia. I get out.
I got leaves in my hair. There's just
a little flickering light, a box window, and a camera
pointing straight down. This is 1996. Banks didn't have cameras
outside. So I'm like, "Oh, this is
where bad shit happens." So I'm like, "Hey, guys, I
thought we were getting Asian." One guy's like, "We are."
And they all start laughing. [imitates laughter] And so I started laughing, too.
I was like... [imitates laughter]
Still not getting it. And like synchronized drunks, six heads just point
right at the camera, and all's you hear is...
[imitates buzzer] Door opens. Three feet, another door,
another camera. And I'm like, "How fucking hard is it to get General Tso's
in this goddamn city?" This time all's you hear is,
"You cop?" And I'm like,
"No, I'm a sophomore." [laughter] One dude shakes his head.
All's you hear is... [imitates buzzer]
Door opens. This time it's staircase. At the top of the staircase
is this jacked Asian dude-- also before steroids This man earned
this fucking muscle... in a Cambodian prison I don't know where he found it. And he had a gun obnoxiously
hanging out his belt, like absurdly. You know when you see
a terrible porn movie and the guys delivering a pizza
with his dick out? And he's like, "Anybody order
extra pepperoni?" We knew what was going on,
but we walk up the steps. I look around. There's about 30
to 50 Asian women in lingerie, some holding trays of beer, some with their tits out like
they're checking the weather. And I'm like, "Oh, my God,
this is the Washy Wash." The Washy Wash is an infamous
whorehouse in Philadelphia. It's the Fenway Park of pussy. But you have to be invited here. You have to be invited
by the animals. The animals are letting me
in their cage. I'm being made into an animal. And it hits me--I'm gonna have
to have sex with a professional, and I don't even masturbate
like an amateur. My head's like, "Dude,
you don't have to do this." My legs are like, "The stairs are right there.
Just walk down." And my penis is like, "Why don't
we just see what happens first?" One dude goes,
"I want that one." He points at the only clothed
old woman in the whole place. [laughter] That's the mama-san. That's like having
your selection from any multicolored
Lamborghini and be like, "Yeah, you guys got
a Ford Taurus with no tires?" I mean old. She looked
like a stack of mushrooms. Like... Just behind her,
ten beautiful women line up. This woman gets out of line,
grabs my hand. Probably 'cause I was 15,
she was like, "This kid's gonna come first. We'll end both
of our nightmares." Starts walking me
down the hallway, and I'm looking back
like a toddler on his first day of preschool,
like, "I don't want to go!" 'Cause I'm 15
and shitting myself. And as I'm walking
down the hallway this way, coming this way
are grown-ass men twice my age, naked in towels. But they're not towels.
They're like dish towels. You know what I mean?
Like bar napkins. So every, like, third or fourth
step, you just see a hammer, just a... just a hammer would fly out. Imagine Snuffleupagus trying
to close a shower curtain. [laughter] So then she throws me
into the room. She gets right to business,
right on top. She puts my hands directly on
her plastic Barbie-doll breasts. And she jumps into cheat code
one, which is moaning, 'cause she knows that shit will
work, and it would normally, but her moan was ridiculous. Her moan just went, "Ooh. "Ooh, ooh. Ooh." It sounded like
the last puff of an air horn in, like, a track meet, like... [imitates horn blowing weakly] Ken, this one's dead.
We need another one. [imitates horn blowing weakly] She knows it's not working. She flips me over.
Now I'm on top. She jumps into cheat code two--
complimentary mode. She's like, "Why you so big? You play football?" I'm like, "I'm 5'6"! "I'm, like, 80 fucking pounds. "I smell like grass.
I know you smell the grass. It's in my teeth." I know what she's doing. But I looked her directly
in the eyes, and I was like... [softly]
"Yeah, I'm a quarterback." [laughter] And then she starts looking
in the corner, and every time she looks in
the corner, I look in the corner 'cause I don't know
what fucking lurks in the corners of this place. But she's looking at the clock.
She's trying to end this. So, every time she looks at
the clock, I look at the clock. But when I look at the clock,
I got to reboot the system. I found my cheat code.
It's a "do not come" cheat code. So I'm just going up, down,
left, right, look at the clock, up, down, left, right,
look at the clock. I'm fucking crushing it! All of a sudden, down
the hallway, all you hear is... [knocking]
"Fucking not again." This time all's you hear is,
"Get out! Get out!" The guy's like, "I paid!" "Get out!" "I paid!" Turns out, the guy who was
trying to pick out the mama-san used a fake credit card, and now they're rounding us
all up, door by door, closer and closer. [knocking] She's looking at me, going,
"Too long. Come now." I'm like, "I'm trying!
I'm trying!" She's like,
"Too long. Come now." I'm like, "I'm trying!" I mean, I can't piss if my brother's on the same
floor as me at this age. She's yelling at me right here,
like, "You come now! Too long!" I'm like, "I'm fucking trying!" [laughter] Just shit myself! Door after door--
"Get out! Get out!" "Come now!" "Get out!" "Come now!" [grunting oddly] I'm just
on the fucking homestretch. Gets to my door.
[knocking] [imitates whoosh]
Door flips open. She dismounts. Look, I've seen the Olympics. I've never seen a move
like this before. She rolled off of me
completely nude, came back up fully clothed,
just... And then disappears
into the little light in between the steroid guy
and his gun in the doorway. And I can't hear shit. You know when you watch,
like, a war movie and there's a beach blast? It's like...
[imitates explosion, echoing] And the guy's looking around
for his arm, like... [imitates explosion echoing] Well, that's how I was,
looking for my pants. Like...
[imitates explosion echoing] I sit down. My heart's beating
out of my chest. I could see the dude
just waiting for me. And he picks his gun up, and he's like,
"You have 15 minutes." He shuts the door,
and I'm scared. My hearing comes back.
Down the hall, I hear... [imitates woman shouting
in foreign language] Fucking mayhem. I don't even know how to get
out of this place. I got no exit. I'm frustrated, 'cause
I've been rubbing genitals with strange women
for eight straight hours. And I have anxiety
through the roof. But I know how to get rid
of anxiety at that age. So I look at myself
in the mirror, and for the first time
that night, I know exactly what to do. I turn away
from my own reflection, and I feverishly masturbate. Like the father of ten
at a water park bathroom. [laughter] Sorry. And then shit changed. I was different.
I was lighter. I was different.
I was a different person-- lighter on the feet,
lighter in the balls. I'm walking
back down the hallway, winking at guys
three times my age, like, "Have fun in there, kiddo." I get outside. All my brother's
friends are waiting for me. You know that scene
in "Goodfellas" when Henry Hill
doesn't rat on his friends out in front of the courthouse? And they're like, "You did it!" They offered me a seat
in the cab, and I was like, "No, no, no.
I'll take the back." I didn't give a shit. I jumped in the back
of that pickup truck like it was a
fucking hot tub in Hawaii. Smiling ear to ear,
looking at the moon, like... [howling wildly] So, anytime I hear someone say,
"Yeah, my family's crazy," I'm like, "Oh, yeah? "So your first time available "to sleep with a woman
in high school "were you kidnapped... "thrown in the back of a pickup
truck, taken to a whorehouse... "manhandled by an Asian woman "who screamed
in your face to come... "while her pimp just banged on
the door with the butt of a gun "'cause your brother's
best friend "created credit card fraud... "so then you were forced
to jerk off "to your own dimly lit
reflection... "like a vulture, and now you forever associate
sex with fear and loneliness?" "Or do they just drink
wine coolers and play Cards of Humanity?" [laughter] Thank you, guys.
Great crowd. <i> [cheers and applause]
- Tommy Pope, everybody.</i> <i> [dark electronic music]</i>
