Best Doctor Jokes | Stand-Up Compilation

hey it ain't brain surgery i love how we measure the difficulty of everything versus brain surgery it ain't brain surgery it ain't brain surgery what a brain surgeon say like hey it ain't like we're trying to talk to women hey i'm a brain surgeon buddy i didn't appreciate that he made me uncomfortable i went to the drugstore i sell everything in drugstores i remember when it's just like drugs and deodorant now you're like well i got this cholesterol medication i guess i'll get some ice cream uh king size snickers and a casket it's an interesting dynamic in the drugstore right because there's the people that work on the drugstore floor that always seem like they want to quit or kill themselves and then there's the pharmacist in the back in that glass cage and a white lab coat like they're the wizard in commercials the pharmacist is always the nicest guy on earth hey how you doing there's prescriptions on me in reality doesn't it always seem like you're inconveniencing the pharmacist then i was like what do you want i was working on my time machine i need these pills yeah it's gonna be like five hours why don't you go and sit on that metal chair across from the condoms you ever sit on that metal chair it's humiliating people was like yeah what kind of disease does he have i got a lot of them just hanging out with the condoms i don't understand what the weights for why does it take five hours to put six pills in an orange cup what are they trying to hit it from like 10 feet away tom to come back [Applause] now i know i'm a pharmacist not a basketball player [Applause] it was crazy you know the surgeon told me the tumor was the size of a pear which is scary but also confusing i was like did he go to med school or a farmer's market but tumors are often compared to fruit a pear a lemon a grapefruit interesting fact worst tumor grapefruit worst fruit grapefruit when you think about a grapefruit looks more like a tumor than a fruit i almost feel sorry for grapefruit yeah we can't win yeah we're already the worst fruit now we're compared to the worst tumor well at least we help old people poop that is the worst impression of a grapefruit it's kind of unfortunate that there's another fruit that's much smaller named grape cause you know there's situations in doctor's offices we've found a tumor it's the size of a grape thank god i didn't finish grapefruit oh that's that's very different who's strange you know when the doctor told me the tumor was the size of a pear i thought wow i guess doctors are bad at analogies but i quickly realized they're just dumbing it down for idiots like me like the surgeon looked at me and thought well this guy's not gonna understand centimeters i don't even want to try and explain circumference based on appearance he doesn't eat fruit but he's probably seen a pear and he's at the grocery store buying ice cream they say laughter is the best medicine and it is after you've received real medicine from a real medical professional prior to that you don't want any laughter you don't want a doctor giggling during an exam oh my gosh this is your body oh nice man boobs my wife was in surgery for 10 hours and before the surgery the surgeon told me goes halfway through i'll probably stop and get lunch i don't need to know that why even tell me that was he afraid i was gonna run into him in the cafeteria what are you doing here i get these cravings those snickers commercials are true but he was a great brain surgeon we learned later on that he's like the best i don't know how they determine the best brain surgeon you know maybe there's a competition america's got tumors thought it was the best the best brain surgeon isn't it enough that someone's a brain surgeon none of us could even get in med school a brain surgeon goes to medical school afterwards specializes in neurology after that specializes in surgery of the brain and we're like yeah but atlanta god yeah they're a brain surgeon you know what they do with the bad brain surgeons they don't let them become brain surgeons can you imagine the pressure on a brain surgeon at no point during their work day can they say hey it ain't brain surgery cause it's always brain surgery every day what you do at work honey brain surgery that's fun you want some fruit never my wife had a she had an amazing team of doctors she had the brain surgeon she also had an ear nose and throat doctor your nose and throat that kind of sounds like they didn't make the cut for brain surgery i want to be a brain surgeon you know what let's stick with the ears nose and throat you'd be better with the things surrounding the brain can i have the eyes you know what let's stick with the ears nose and throat we promised the eyes to the nerd at lenscrafters why pick an optometrist those ear nose and throat doctors they must look at dentists and think just teeth that's it what about the tongue not the tongue just the teeth you just work on teeth surgery on teeth oh i don't do the surgery that's the orthodontist i mostly scrape stuff off of teeth while i listen to 80s music i love debbie gibson when you think about a dentist they don't do the surgery they don't even clean the teeth they're like you guys do everything and then i'll come in and jab with a sharp object well i listen to debbie i did figure out what type of doctor i would want to be which is an anesthesiologist cause just once i'd like to walk in a room and go hi i'm dr gaffigan i'm going to give you some drugs so you can't talk or move and one of these strangers is going to cut you open good luck what draws someone to anesthesiology it's like i like medicine but i really enjoy getting people high if i can combine the two i also prefer to sit during surgery you ever see the anesthesiologist during surgery they're always sitting there like i don't know why i have to be here yeah they're still alive anyone got their wi-fi password but i have a newfound respect for doctors i do cause when you think about it unless we're sick we listen to absolutely nothing doctors tell us they're like you should lose weight never gonna happen what else you got you you should exercise does eating french fries count get out of my office i don't even listen when i bring my kids to the doctor the doctor's like to avoid an infection i'm like my wife's like what'd the doctor say don't pick the scab don't listen to nerds that was the only time i would ever see a doctor is when i bring my kids in sometimes i try and horn in on a pediatric appointment the doctor be like how's little mikey doing mikey's good he's good he's a little worried about this mole i have on my arm yeah i explained to mikey that i've always had the mole but mikey thinks it might have changed colors jim would you like to make an appointment no it's mikey he just needs a thumbs up or thumbs down on the mall i know mikey doesn't want to play the hippocratic oath card but you have to tell us don't you i hope it doesn't sound like i'm picking on her because i'm grateful to have her in my life it's nice to have a partner someone looking out for you you look out for them like i did two weeks the show is out of town in december and when i came home my wife informed me that she made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist if you're unfamiliar that's the doctor that sticks the camera up your butt i mean they do other things but that's what they're famous for that's probably how they attract people to the field you like photography i got a job you're gonna love i didn't ask my wife to set up this appointment i wasn't sick i didn't have any symptoms she just did it because she was looking out for me so she casually brought it up she goes just so you know i made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist and i said just so you know i won't be going she was like why wouldn't you go it's just a consultation i said well it's the principal i'm an adult i make my own decisions thank you anyway so i'm at the gastroenterologist the doctor starts to describe the procedure and i said look i should probably let you know i don't really enjoy getting my picture taken i would be open to an ultrasound i think a lot of men are curious what the jelly on the belly feels like anyway the doctor he didn't think it was funny i knew his precautionary so i agreed so he went over to his computer and he goes all right my next available appointment is in three months and i was like three months this was in december i didn't know if i wanted this procedure hanging over my head during the holidays jim you want another piece of pie no i'm getting a camera up my butt i don't want some team of doctors to be like wow this guy loves pie mary get out here he's got a half a pie up there i didn't know what could delay this important procedure but part of me didn't want to find out i didn't want the doc to be like well the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera turnover in that position is insane you know people do it once and they're like you know what i'm going back on food stamps then i was thinking maybe it's the doctor maybe he's like dude i can only do this procedure once a month then i gotta take a week off sit on the beach and ask myself why i keep sticking cameras up people's butts i could have been a dentist again with a dental reference but in february i had the procedure and i think every man in here should get a colonoscopy because i had to it's not an easy decision because the best news you can find out from getting a camera stuck up your butt is learning you didn't need to have a camera stuck up your butt that's the best snooze yeah we didn't need to do that we can just chalk that up one for fun [Applause] the surgeon who removed my appendix his name was dr muffaletta which is also the name of a delicious new orleans sandwich and i do look like a guy who would know that so when he introduced himself i was like am i being visited by the ghost of sandwich past is nurse po boy about to come in i woke up after the surgery covered in mardi gras beads you know i woke up and there was a nurse standing there and she was like the surgery was a success just let me know if it hurts when you pee and i was like where where's the appendix how exactly did you remove it this doesn't sound like a success at all then she explained right before the surgery they inserted a catheter i didn't know what that was so i was like oh okay then i started piecing it together hurts when i pee catheter i'm suing this hospital you'll be hearing from my lawyer doctor what monsters if given a choice of peeing all over myself or having a tube inserted in my penis i'll take the pee shower i guess i'm old fashioned you know hi thanks for watching hit subscribe if you want if you want to see more stand up more stand up or if you want to see an original show like let's get cooking or the mike and pat show that's available on my channel but also just know that i'll be posting a new video 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Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 311,549

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Id: U2-6Sh_hAYE

Length: 14min 24sec (864 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 20 2020