(pleasant music) - Do you ever see a
body builder at the gym? That's exciting, right? I always get nervous. I'm like, do you live here? (audience laughs) Are you lifting the
weights or eating them? (audience laughs) How'd you get like that? And when I say bodybuilder,
I'm not talking about somebody who's muscular. I'm talking about the guys
that have gotten so big, people are afraid to
tell them it looks weird. (audience laughs) What do you think of that? It's great, it's perfectly normal. (audience laughs) I'm not too much? No, no, do you want money? Please don't kill me. (audience laughs) You ever see those
bodybuilding events on ESPN? The guys are up there like (grunts) and everyone in the
audience is like, yay, yay. Clap for the macho,
he'll tear off our arms. (audience laughs) What are those people doing in
the audience at those things? Why are they there? (audience laughs) This is way better than a movie, huh? (audience laughs) I like the guy with the
big muscles who was flexing that looks exactly like the 10 other guys with the big muscles who are flexing. (audience laughs) Wonder what this next guy is gonna do. (audience laughs) You think he's going to flex? (audience laughs) 'Cause that's all they do. They go up there and they flex. You know, there's no talent portion, never see a bodybuilder
playing the harp or anything. (audience laughs) 'Cause those poor guys can't
bend their arms like that. They're like (grunts) (audience laughs) He's gonna get his ass
kicked for this joke. (audience laughs) I'm jealous, you know, I
am jealous of bodybuilders. 'Cause even if I did work out a lot, I know I would never achieve
the title of Mr. Universe, which is the highest
accolade you can receive in bodybuilding. Really, Mr. Universe? Shouldn't we've consulted
other planets about this? (audience laughs) We have the audacity to
decide who Mr. Universe is. And we pick someone who
probably can't name the planets in our solar system. (audience laughs) Think about it this way. The President of the
United States is selected by an Electoral College
based on popular vote. The Secretary General of
the United Nations is chosen by a community of countries. Mr. Universe, five Italian
guys from Long Island. (audience laughs) That sell exercise equipment. Mr. Universe, Schwarzenegger, Arnold. He was Mr. Universe a couple of times. You think he ever viewed being governor as kind of a step down? (audience laughs) This is so easy. (audience laughs) I used to rule the entire solar-verse. (audience laughs) One measly state. I can't believe he's doing an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger. (audience laughs) Why is it everyone in the world can do an impression of Arnold? (audience laughs) Yet he can't do an impression of someone that can pronounce the word, California. (audience laughs) (Jim stutters) This is so hard! (audience laughs) We need water. (audience laughs) It would be weird to have
that on your resume, right? Oh, I see here in 2006
you were Mr. Universe. (audience laughs) You know, here, you're
just gonna be a bouncer. (audience laughs) If you want, you can be Mr. Bouncer. (audience laughs) Or Mr. Bounce-averse,
please don't kill me. (audience laughs) (pleasant music) My favorite herbal supplement
I've seen has to be Extenze. (audience laughs) If you're unfamiliar with Extenze that means you're lying-- (audience laughs) Because of course Extenze
is an herbal supplement that's supposed to make
your manhood larger, but one of the side effects is
that it doesn't work at all. (audience laughs) And we know it doesn't work 'cause they have the best, crappy late night commercials ever. (audience laughs) In their commercial now, they
have NFL coaching legend, Jimmy Johnson, as their spokesman. I would think if your
name was, I don't know, Jimmy Johnson--
(audience laughs) You would know better. They probably weren't even serious when they offered him
this spokesman thing. They're like, here's an hysterical idea. (audience laughs) What if we asked to be our spokesman, Jimmy Johnson. (audience laughs) Him or Dick Butkus, one of those guys. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) It's amazing, the evolution of my view towards the Extenze commercial. 'Cause when I first saw
it, I was like, oh my God, this is unbelievable. You gotta see this. And then after a couple of
months I was like, wait a minute. People are actually buying this crap? And then after a year I was like, well, maybe I should try it. (audience laughs) But I would never try it. You know, for innumerable reasons. One of which is I wouldn't want
that on my credit card bill. (audience laughs) That'd be kind of a hard
charge to challenge, right? Yeah, yeah American Express? I'd like to challenge a purchase I made. The name of the product is Extenze. Yeah, it's supposed to
make your penis larger, but my penis is still really small. (audience laughs) Hello? (audience laughs) Ma'am hello? Redial. Yeah, I got disconnected. I'm the guy with the tiny penis. (audience laughs) Yeah, I was cut off. Well, it only looks like
I was caught off really. (audience laughs) Well, what do you mean? You're dropping me as a member? Hey, speaking of members,
I have a tiny one. Have I brought that up yet? (audience laughs) Okay, so the joke's over? All right, well you hang up first? No, you.
(audience laughs) Look, I should go, I'm in the middle of a taping a special. (audience laughs) Comedy special. In D.C. Of course Washington D.C., no Calgary D.C. (audience laughs) All right, yeah, no. Yeah, no.
(audience laughs) Yeah, no.
(audience laughs) Yeah, they're getting annoyed. (audience laughs) Okay. I can hold.
(audience laughs) I'm here, I'm here. Look, you should let me go. Well, first of all, I'm not
even holding a real phone. (audience laughs) All right. Well, I love you too. Of course, I miss you. (audience laughs) All right, okay, fine. Well, what room are you staying in? (pleasant music) Staying in a nice hotel here. All hotels are nice
that first night, right? You're like, this is pretty sweet. Then the next day you're
like this place is a dump. 'Cause we get spoiled
so quickly in hotels. You know, they can have
the nicest amenities, but after a couple of days, you're like, same chocolate on the pillow. I think by now they know
I like peanut butter. (audience laughs) I stayed at the Animal
Kingdom Lodge in Disney. There were giraffes
right outside my window. But by the end of the week,
I was like giraffe again. (audience laughs) How about a lion? How about a lion eating a giraffe? (audience laughs) That would be magical, Disney. 'Cause we get spoiled. In hotels there's a sense of entitlement. You ever leave for the
day and you come back and they haven't had a
chance to clean your room. There's a certain amount of outrage. (audience laughs) Excuse me. There is a towel on the
floor of my bathroom. Can you send a maid or a
manservant to pick it up? I demand, we burn the peasant village. (audience laughs) They spoil us. I always feel guilty when
I get out of the cab, the bell hops like, can I
help you with your backpack? No, but here's five bucks. Sorry you have to dress
like Captain Crunch. (audience laughs) Do enjoy your Crunch Berries. (audience laughs) It's awkward. I think it's awkward. when someone knocks on your hotel door, it's like-- (microphone knocks) It's like whoa, who
even knows I'm in here? (audience laughs) Is it the FBI? Then you have to look through
that hotel door peephole. Has anyone on the other side of a peephole not looked
like a serial killer? (audience laughs) I ordered a cheeseburger, but
I think it's the Grim Reaper. (audience laughs) I think it's great some hotels
provide stationery, you know? 'Cause the first thing I like to do when I get to my hotel
room is write a letter. (audience laughs) My dearest Gwendoline, I arrived by nightfall
at the Embassy Suites. (audience laughs) It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. (audience laughs) Allow me to explain the
curious charge in the ledger. (audience laughs) It is because I miss thee so much darling that I accidentally ordered
"Sorority Sisters 7." (audience laughs) Some hotels, they kind
of push that porn on you. Some poor guy just turns on the TV. They're like, after hours. (audience laughs) It's 9:00 AM. I'm on my way to a business meeting. After hours. I'm here for my grandma's memorial. After hours. Maybe after the Memorial, I don't. (audience laughs) I spend too much time in hotels, I do. Sometimes at night I find myself thinking of the hundreds and hundreds of interesting people that
have stayed in my room. And then I'll just get up and sleep in the tub--
(audience laughs) 'Cause that's nasty. You couldn't give away a used mattress but we'll pay a hundred bucks
to sleep on one for a night. (audience laughs) Thanks, Priceline. (audience laughs) Here, let me slip on this robe someone else wore 12 hours ago. (audience laughs) Oh, luxury.
(audience laughs) The amount of denial we embrace when we stay in a hotel is staggering. If you knew a stranger
used your bath towel at home once you'd be like burn it and bury it in the backyard. (audience laughs) But we get in a hotel and we're like (humming) Sure the business guy before me only dried his elbow with this towel. (audience laughs) We change, entitlement. We become lazy. You see that around the minibar, right? You're like eight bucks for a Coke. (audience laughs) Well, it's either this
or walk down the hall to the vending machine. (audience laughs) Who's got time for that? I'm naked.
(audience laughs) I'm always naked in my hotel room. I mean, it's not my couch. (audience laughs) There is always that realization. Maybe I'm not the first person to do that. (audience laughs) 'Cause you're never the first person to do anything in a hotel room. The 10 Commandments were based on what's already happened
in your hotel room. That's why there's a Bible
in there for references. (audience laughs) You're like, oh, that happened too? Oh no, I'm sleeping in the tub for sure. (audience laughs) We change in hotels. We all kinda turn into kleptos. In the room we're like,
what can I take in here? (audience laughs) Time to make some money back. (audience laughs) (Jim cackles) It looks like I don't have to
buy shampoo for like a day. (audience laughs) Ka-ching. (audience laughs) The only toiletry I don't
take is the shower cap. Yeah, 'cause I'm one of those weird people who likes clean hair. (audience laughs) I've never even met anyone
who's used a shower cap. Probably 'cause they
all died 80 years ago. (audience laughs) If you are the odd ball
who's gonna use a shower cap, you probably brought your own and a few extra for the
rest of the Golden Girls. (audience laughs) Some hotels treat you like a klepto. You go in the closet,
they have those hangers with two parts of the tiny baby heads so you don't steal them. Oh really, hotel? You don't trust me with the real hangers? Oh, just for that. I'm going to steal the whole damn closet. (audience laughs) Let's see how this room works sans closet. (audience laughs) This is how I would carry a closet. (audience laughs) That's not how you carry a closet. It's the worst closet
carrying I've ever seen. (audience laughs) There's always that plastic bag for the hotel laundry service. I did that once. It would've been cheaper to
have my credit card stolen. (audience laughs) $10 to wash a pair of underwear
that costs three bucks? (audience laughs) What'd you clean it with, champagne? (audience laughs) I do love that wake up call, right? How'd that start? With someone like, yeah,
my mommy's not here. (audience laughs) So I'm gonna need someone to wake me up. By the way, no one tucked me in yet. Go for a story. You got "Goodnight, Moon" down there? (pleasant music) How about "Harry the Dirty Dog"? That's a good one. (audience laughs) I seem to stay in a lot of hotels that have the indoor swimming pool. You can always tell the
hotel has an indoor pool. 'Cause their lobby will smell
like a bucket of bleach. (audience laughs) Do you guys have an indoor pool or did someone just
clean up a murder scene? (audience laughs) 'Cause my eyes are bleeding and-- (audience laughs) Occasionally I'll hit the indoor pool. That's always relaxing right? Until anyone else shows up. 'Cause then you're just in a gigantic tub, essentially in your underwear with some stranger lurking there. (audience laughs) The polite thing to do is
ignore the other person. 'Cause there's nothing
you can say at that point that doesn't sound creepy. Can't be like, hey, hop in. What room are you staying at?
(audience laughs) I didn't shower before I got in here. Kind of count this as a bath. (audience laughs) Sometimes they have lounge chairs, you know who's lounging
around am indoor pool? (audience laughs) After this chemical bath, what do you say, we grab some fluorescent light, breathe in some poisonous fumes,
towel off with a dish rack. (audience laughs) Think about it. Maybe I'll buy you a drink
from the vending machine. (audience laughs) You don't have eight bucks
in quarters on you, do you? (audience laughs) Whatever a stranger's doing in the hotel pool is
immediately annoying, right? Like that guy, that swims laps? Aren't you always like
settle down, Spaz-o. (audience laughs) You're at the Ramada, not the Olympics. (audience laughs) And if you're a guy over the age of 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer. (audience laughs) Who's just relaxing after
he strangled a family. (audience laughs) You know, that dad was
a tough one to kill. (audience laughs) What room are you staying in?
(audience laughs) You ever been in the hotel pool, and there's a couple in there making out? It's always charming in romantic comedies when a couple kisses in public. But when you're sharing
the same water, it's icky. You're like, oh, don't mind me. This isn't awkward. What room are you staying in? (audience laughs) Of course, no one loves the
hotel pool more than kids. You know, whenever I see a
little kid in the hotel pool, I always think, I am swimming in a toilet. (audience laughs) It's the first time a kid can multitask. I can play and pee!
(audience laughs) This is amazing! What room are you staying in?
(audience laughs) I just love the characters
you see in a hotel pool. Occasionally there'll be
like a sweet old lady. Someone's great grandma, 90
years old, paddling around. I haven't been in a pool since the '30s. (audience laughs) Why do old ladies always swim like this? If my hair gets wet, I'll melt. (audience laughs) Good thing, I brought my shower cap. (audience laughs) I made this suit out of curtains upstairs. (audience laughs) What room am I staying in?
(audience laughs) (audience applauds) Speaking of swimming pools. My brother has an
above-ground swimming pool. As if you didn't think I
was white trash already. (audience laughs) You don't really swim
in an above-ground pool. You just kinda wade around with a beer. (audience laughs) It's just like a regular
pool, but not relaxing or fun. (audience laughs) I guess I'll head to the
deep end slash middle. (Jim cheers)
(audience laughs) There is no graceful way to
get in an above-ground pool. You always look like you're sneaking into a giant cup of tea. (audience laughs) I hope the Mad Hatter's not in here. (audience laughs) But I love those above-ground pools. It always looks like the owner
couldn't make the commitment. I like to swim, but I also wanna destroy
the value of my house. (audience laughs) I need something to go in
between the abandoned car and the refrigerator without a door. (audience laughs) (pleasant music) I reference McDonald's a lot
'cause I go to McDonald's. I love the silence that
follows that statement. (audience laughs) Like I just admitted to support
dog fighting or something. (audience laughs) How could you? (audience laughs) McDonald's.
(audience laughs) It's fun telling people
you go to McDonald's. They always give you that look like, oh, I didn't know I was better than you. (audience laughs) No one admits to going to McDonald's. They sell 6 billion hamburgers a day. There's only 300 million
people in this country. It's like, I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyone's lying. (audience laughs) You ever been at McDonald's and you see a friend for a second. You're like, oh crap.
(audience laughs) Eventually you're like,
hey, what's going on? And they're just like, I'm
just here for the 99 cent ATM. What are you doing here, Jim? (audience laughs) I'm just meeting a hooker.
(audience laughs) Certainly not eating
here, that's for sure. Yeah, he should be here by now. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) 'Cause we all know better, right? We've all read the articles. Seen those documentaries. It's the same message. Look, McDonald's is really bad for you. It's very high in fat and calories and we don't even know
where the meat comes from and we're all like that's disgusting. I'll have a Big Mac, a large fry, and a two gallon drum of Diet Coke. (audience laughs) 'Cause there's a McDonald's denial. We all embrace it. No one's going in there innocent. We're walking into a
red and yellow building with a giant M over it. What's this a library? (audience laughs) Well, I'll get some fries while I'm here. (audience laughs) 'Cause those McDonald's fries
are truly amazing, right? Has your mother ever made anything as good as a McDonald's fry? (audience laughs) Not even close.
(audience laughs) We lie to ourselves when
we eat McDonald's fries. We're like, oh, they're so thin. They couldn't be fattening. (audience laughs) You ever eat too many McDonald's fries? Of course not.
(audience laughs) There's never enough of them. There's always that moment when you're eating McDonald's fries where you're like, what happened? (audience laughs) Where'd they go?
(audience laughs) Then you start scrounging
for the fry crumbs. You're like--
(audience laughs) Oh, that's just a piece
of paper from the straw. (audience laughs) But it was touching the fries, so. (audience laughs) Sometimes there's a loose fry in the bag. You know the bonus fry. (audience cheers) It's like, Jesus is up in heaven. Give him an extra fry.
(audience laughs) He'll pay it forward. By the way, that's how Jesus sounds. (audience laughs) Or at least I hope. You wouldn't want to meet Jesus. And he's like, hey y'all, how you doin'? (audience laughs) You better turn that other cheek, I gave you that bonus fry for a reason. (audience laughs) That bonus fry. It's never a regular size fry. It's always extra long. You're like, how'd I miss you? (audience laughs) Bonus fry, you get your
own ketchup packet. (audience laughs) You always savor the last fry. You're like, I'm going to
turn this into 10 bites. (audience laughs) I'll meet up with you later. I got the bonus fry.
(audience laughs) Those fries amazing. For what, like seven minutes? And then they turn into something that's likely not biodegradable. (audience laughs) You ever make the mistake of reheating McDonald's
fries in the microwave? They become packing peanuts. (audience laughs) It doesn't stop you from eating them. You're like, these
aren't even good anymore. (audience laughs) How about yours? Yeah, yours aren't good either. (audience laughs) Fries can't get cold. Shakes can't get warm. You ever leave a McDonald's
shake out for an hour? Reality sets in.
(audience laughs) Oh, this wasn't even made from milk. It's just some kinda chocolate mucus. (audience laughs) But we know all this. We know those McDonald's
commercials aren't realistic. I'd just like to see one commercial that showed people five minutes
after they ate McDonald's. (audience laughs) Oh, now I need a cigarette. (audience laughs) I deserve a cigarette break today. But they get us in there, you know? Some of those deals they
offer are just cruel. Two Big Macs for two bucks. I drive by, I'm like, well, I don't wanna lose money on this. (audience laughs) I'll get 80 of them.
(audience laughs) I know some of you were
like, sorry, white trash guy, I don't eat McDonald's. I have friends that brag about not going to McDonald's. I would never go to McDonald's. Well, McDonald's wouldn't want you. 'Cause you're a dick.
(audience laughs) (audience cheers) I'm tired of people acting like they're better than McDonald's. It's like you may have never
set foot in McDonald's, but you have your own McDonald's. You know, maybe instead
of buying a Big Mac, you read US Weekly.
(audience laughs) Hey, that's still McDonald's, it's just served up a little different. (audience laughs) Maybe your McDonald's is telling yourself that Starbucks Frappuccino
is not a milkshake or maybe you watch "Glee." (audience laughs) It's all McDonald's.
(audience laughs) McDonald's of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed
by incredible guilt, eventually leading to cancer. (audience laughs) ♪ I'm lovin' it ♪ (audience laughs) (audience cheers) We all have our own. We all have our own McDonald's. You know, it may take me a while to digest my quarter pounder with cheese, but that tramp stamp is forever. (audience laughs) (hums McDonald's jingle) Mistake.
(audience laughs) Really, it's all McDonald's out there. Right? How can we all name three people that have dated Jennifer Aniston? It's McDonald's and we gobble it up. Just like those McDonald's fries. It's like, who's she dating now? I know I shouldn't, but it's so salty. Is she pregnant? God, that's not even my business. Scarlett Johansson got a haircut. Why do I give a shit?
(audience laughs) 'Cause it's McDonald's. And it feels good going down. By the way, if you care
who Prince William married? That's Burger King.
(audience laughs) That's not even our gossip. (audience laughs) I just love the societal
outrage at McDonald's. McDonald's, there's no nutritional value, there's no vitamins. McDonald's is like, excuse me. We sell burgers and fries. We never said we're a farmer's market. (audience laughs) Heck our spokesman is a
pedophile clown from the '70s. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) What do you want from us, America? (audience cheers) We treat McDonald's horribly. We behave like some
hormonal teenager dealing with their parents. I hate you. You're gross. When's dinner?
(audience laughs) Really, going to McDonald's, it's kind of like
attending a family reunion. You're always excited to go. You're like, this is going to be awesome. And then when you get there, you're like, oh, I don't
know if I should be here. (audience laughs) And then when you leave, you're like, I think I'm gonna kill myself. (audience laughs) But I was raised on
McDonald's and I turned out, well, maybe that's not the best reasoning. (audience laughs) McDonald's has given us so much. We wouldn't know when breakfast ends if there was no McDonald's.
(audience laughs) I'd be eating eggs at 5:00 PM. Like a moron.
(audience laughs) Thank you, McDonald's. How are we supposed to know
St. Patrick's Day's coming up without the Shamrock Shake? (audience cheers) Thank you, McDonald's. Without McDonald's,
how would I communicate to the world that I give up? (audience laughs) 'Cause if you're over the age of 10 and you're eating McDonald's,
you've given up a little bit. (audience laughs) It's all over for me.
(audience laughs) His fries taste good anyway. Hi, thanks for watching. Hit subscribe if you want. If you wanna see more stand
up, I have more stand up. Or if you wanna see an original show, like "Let's Get Cooking" or "The Mike and Pat Show," that's available on my channel, but also just know that
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