"Jesus & The Apostles" - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (King Baby)

yeah Abraham he went through the ringer it's not like Jesus had a cakewalk though you think Jesus ever trying to talk God out of some of that stuff you only hey Dad you know that whole crucifixion thing yes you're dying on the cross for all mankind sins yeah yeah what if instead of that we did a big fundraiser no now get cracking on your miracles Jesus performed so many miracles you think the carpentry ever came up when he was doing the miracles Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness and we'd love some shelves right here if you want to do the blindness then the shelves we need the shelves by Tuesday of course we love our son to see those Jesus had the Apostles traveling with 12 guys you get like five guys together a fist fight starts fire Jesus snap stop following me but one of you shave we look like a homeless football team he's going to hell for that the Apostles always used as an example of people that gave up everything to follow Jesus they gave up everything but you know there were fishermen it's not like they were investment bankers hey you know you're sitting out here in the blistering heat trying to catch fish in the Dead Sea yeah it sucks you want to follow me I'm God by the way I can turn water into wine all right I'll go with you one condition you have to give up everything and I mean everything so I leave the pole here bring the pole the apostles how do they come up with that name yeah you think one of the Apostles was like eight Jesus me and the guys were talking I don't know why it sounds like maybe see apostle from Brooklyn Jesus me and the guys we talk you know we think we need a name Jesus like whatever I don't care what about this name the apostles maybe the disciples we'd get some leather jackets get a big bird on the bag just like whatever we're all gonna be martyred but we can still get the jackets right we all know Jesus had the Apostles but did he have a best friend was he ever like I think everyone knows the Apostles and this is my buddy Earl we're in marching band together he thinks this whole Messiah thing is crazy heaven I hope heavens nice we kind of built it up down here didn't we we compared everything into heaven it's like God try this pie it's like heaven nope I know those people aren't coming up here West Virginia you know West Virginia the state slogan of West Virginia is almost heaven West Virginia which sounds cool but that's not like the best promotion for heaven because based on that if I'm a good guy all my life when I die I'm going to a place a little bit better than West Virginia I mean it's beautiful but that kind of makes me want to take another look at how he went too far made me uncomfortable I know religion jokes make some people uncomfortable and I call them sinners my wife is very Catholic if you've never been to a Catholic Mass it's still going on just loop it around I could never get my wife to leave when church is over so I was like why don't we stay and talk to the weirdest people here she doesn't get to know me a real Catholic because I don't go to church or follow any of the church teachings but occasionally I'll root for Notre Dame so I'm Catholic I think it's interesting how Catholics and Protestants didn't get along how did that play out yeah you see those people over there with the almost identical beliefs is mine I want to kill them because my God's all about love my grandma would hate those jokes two weeks ago is my grandmother's one hundred and first birthday how about that oh she died 20 years ago it's been a fun tour I've been traveling for a while yeah I get emails every week from friends hey when you come to town you have to stay with it no I don't cuz everyone's house has their own kind of smell are you guys making vitamins in here who's cooking the feet cuz they are done you never get offered a real bed you could crash on the food time I don't even know I was getting drunk tonight it was off with a futon or the air bed the air bed I remember when that was just called a raft do I get a kickboard as a pillow they always have a schedule too we were thinking breakfast around 7:00 thank again now where can i watch TV all day in my underwear you're always in trouble as the house guest who left that damn porch light on I was just looking for the bathroom that's all right we just want you to feel bad for an hour you never wake up at the right time you wake up a couple minutes after them we just want you to feel bad for an hour you ever stay at someone's place and they're not there that's weird going through their stuff these people got some weird habits stayed at my brother's place for awhile he has a bar in his house which is cool but how do you have a bar in your house and not admit you have a little bit of a drinking problem I'm not an alcoholic I just need a room dedicated to booze here's where we watch TV here's where we die get tanked over here at a porn closet in the back crack dens downstairs is heat drunk I think he's driving hi-yah I'm gonna tell them my name yeah I'm gonna tell them I'm not gonna tell them to subscribe because you know what that's not what it's about oh there's no more time

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 560,629

Keywords: Jesus, the apostles, fisher of men, best stand up, stand up comedy, jim gaffigan, jim gaffigan religion, catholic comedian, clean comedian, west virginia, almost heaven west virginia, moses, jesus carpenter, jesus miracles, twelve apostles, followers of Jesus, jesus best friend, messiah comedy, king baby, pale tourist, florida man, leaving church, catholic mass, notre dame catholic, catholics vs protestants, being a houseguest

Id: uCzqp2158n4

Length: 7min 11sec (431 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 07 2020