Hawaiian pizza Isn't Hawaiian. Kermet Apio - Full Special

i'm not familiar with your mainland semantics i don't know so i'm excited to be here i live in seattle washington uh not originally from the northwest born and raised in hawaii i am hawaiian or as they pronounce it in arizona suspicious uh i had a woman come up to me after a show at joshua i was in hawaii one time i was in this place called kalali lolli lolly and she asked me what does that mean again well the way you pronounce it it means uh please take my purse funniest one this guy goes how long have you lived in the states you mean other than the one i was born and raised in he got snippy got mad at me well you know what i mean yeah i know what you mean but it's wrong you can't say wrong stuff and blame me what if i said to him how long you been a woman long time [Laughter] oh man woman it's just words you know i'm not familiar with your mainland semantics i don't know [Applause] i love your hawaiian pizzas because we hawaiians are so famous for our canadian bacon you know i grew up near the canadian bacon trees of oahu and we would climb up and knock the bacon off the branches you want a hawaiian pizza but spam on that bad boy there's your hawaiian pizza oh many of you have been there it's true hawaiians love spam i didn't realize that i moved away that nobody else does you know we love spam and regular not light they have spam light because if you're health conscious you're probably shopping for spam is this gluten free is it spam light it says in the can it's low salt you know what spam without salt is clay as you heard my name is kermit appeal appeals a hawaiian name kermit is not i had someone ask me kermit is that your stage name yes i chose that one yeah it's real name my parents gave it to me my mom was trying to be nice kermit is a celtic word meaning great warrior it's also an american word meaning frog mom i hated the first day of school so much they're taking attendance uh kermit appeal you see every kid with a weird name going yes not gonna be me frog boy's gonna get it all year long hey sheamus sunflower you hearing this i come home my mom would ask me how was your first day my name is kermit mom take a guess oh and thanks for the green bell bottoms they're helping mom [Laughter] oh by the way for those of you under 40 the bell bottoms are pants the one i'm in i don't blame my parents i wasn't named after the frog because that would have been mean wouldn't it well sons not nafolophagus was too hard to spell i was named after a football player that is true my mom went into labor on a sunday morning without us watching football there's a line back over the miami dolphins named kermit johnson who had a really good game that day well lucky me then [Music] i tell you what i'm so glad he wasn't watching the chicago bears and dick butkus because uh i'm butt kiss appeal now go ahead and beat me up now no i don't need lunch money i'm butkus and that's where my comedy career started i love my job it's a great job but i've been doing it a long time so it kind of scares me because you know what i realized this is my job skill [Laughter] if i ever have to do a job interview it will not go well i won't know what to say just um about a big round of applause for the other applicants qualifications i'm lazy and sarcastic what do you got eight hours in a row that's like a week and a half for me i work an hour a day when i have a bad day at work it's bad for an hour i got 23 to get over it you know that was a bad show i think i'll hit this news alarm 247 times my buddy said well you're self-employed that's cool i don't know self-employed and in debt doesn't mean all that much all that means is the company picnic sucks i was employee of the year again though that was awesome [Applause] i know that's two out of three years that's awesome you guys are nice what else can i tell 49 turned 49 recently and um oh thank you two people that's exactly right that's the exact two people just that's all that deserves truly you don't you don't really cheer on 49 it's not you know not even your own like you don't wake up on your 49th birthday just yeah [Music] ooh this bump is new awesome don't get me wrong you're happy to get to a birthday in your 40s you're just not going nuts over it because really all it means is that you have been around kind of a long time you know i i got thinking about this i was in school so long ago i remember making ashtrays in art class remember that anybody yeah youngsters that's what we did we made ash trees in school could you imagine suggesting that little idea today that teacher be on the ground with a pta mom's foot on his head we're on lockdown or on lockdown sarah get my ipad we need to make a facebook group now we made ashtrays in school you had to use your nine-year-old finger to make a cigarette wedge that was weird i'm going to put glitter on it we made addiction cute that's what we were doing all right kids get your welders masks we're making shot glasses for mommy let's do this oh and if you haven't finished your macaroni bongs get them done let's go it's almost christmas time in the 70s and that's how we roll anytime someone tells me 40 is old you know what i do i would tell you what i do i take my walk man out of my members only jacket and i don't listen to them that's what i do all right once again for those of you under 40 the walkman was a musical listening device kind of like the ipod only steam powered really it's amazing how far we've come in technology just in our lifetime amazing i'm watching a movie with my kids okay a little bit of an older movie all of a sudden my son goes why is the phone on the wall just put me on a scooter and point me to a home i'm done it's v-neck sweater time for me i'm old that makes you feel so old and you got to explain to a kid yeah if you wanted to talk to somebody you had to stand near the wall sure the rich kids at the long court they could get to the fridge you know when you look at a kid's face when you tell them that you might as well scratch it in hieroglyphics here's phone here's wall then we hit buffalo on head and make feast it's a whole different world man technology has changed the way we look at our lives everything is instant everything is now and it has to be hey anybody remember when i don't know was a perfectly good answer to a question remember that hey who is that guy he was in that movie with stallone who's that guy i don't know huh me neither let's move on with our lives right life was simpler then you try and do that now who's that guy in that movie i don't know why is your phone dead idiot are you on 3g hashtag loser you everything is instant you want to listen to a song it's on your phone your phone is wherever you are seconds later there's a song amazing anybody remember trying to find a song on a cassette remember those days bring a book and a lunch it's an afternoon finding that thing stop rewind stop play that's not it stop rewind oh it's on the other side stop eject turn over close i should shave again remember trying to reel up the beginning part there's my over 40s there they are they're getting this this is the over 40 gang sign ready don't make me bust out my pencil yo [Music] by the way if you're under 30 i don't have time to explain which is i love watching people under 30 watch me do that i don't understand what's happening is that a flash drive this guy is stupid you know they say that 40 is the new 30. but apparently that's if you work out i guess 220 is not the new 180 you know although 9 30 is a new midnight i know that much oh my over 40s love that joke yes we're exhausted but that's what i love about the 40s that you can laugh at a joke like that in public and have no problem with it the 40s you make an amazing transition where you accept your life you buy into your own reality and it's okay you don't run from it you don't pretend you don't hide you know what public i'm tired deal with this yeah dress socks and cargo shorts boom so what yes i'm wearing a visor hats are too much for me now who needs all that drama i love the 40s you accept reality and life gets easier in your 20s i'm going to change the world in your 30s i'm going to change my community in your 40s oh i might leave the house oh wait i still have root beer and string cheese not today but tomorrow good sweatpants we're doing this that's what i learned in your 40s you make an amazing transition and here's something i learned about it if you're not ready to make that transition your body will make it for you i hurt my back a couple years ago nothing major i just tweaked my back but you know how i tweak my back here it is get ready sleeping that's what i did wrong at this point lying down is an extreme sport for this i am not kidding going from here to about there that's it that's where my body goes whoo slow it down lebron take it easy i am one good sneeze for my spleen exploding that is my lifeline here's one i hurt my knee washing dishes i didn't hit my knee i didn't fall on my knee i was washing dishes and went from perfectly fine to oh that's it that's the whole story folks take that story to the bars oh really you crushed your knee in a motorcycle accident well let me tell you something i got a ceramic dish that's a little too heavy me and you brother up top oh not so hard i got a wonky shoulder over here slow down but here's the one here's the one this is the most recent and it is i'm getting in the car all of a sudden i notice this hand grab this leg and bring it in the car that is a real thing in my world right now this leg that used to propel me to dunk a basketball is now a carry-on and let me say it again i noticed it i didn't start doing it it's been happening for a while without my knowledge it's like the body went you know what the leg needs help but let's get it done don't tell the brain keep it on the down low if we tell the brain it's dave matthews playlist and sobbing all day nobody wants that do what you can i joined i joined a health club it's 30 bucks a month uh which breaks down to about uh 30 bucks a workout it's four blocks of my house i drive don't judge don't judge me it's not technically a health club it's more it's one of those what do they call those a mexican restaurant here's the thing after a large burrito and hot sauce i'm tired and sweaty when i walk out of there but like i said in your 40s you don't worry you don't take it as seriously you find the humor you don't get mad here's one thing i learned and i find humorous when you turn 40 you become invisible to women under 30. and that's fine i'm a happily married guy i just don't want to be crossing the street and get hit by a red pontiac solstice i mean what was that i didn't see anything what happened i sent something that had no long-term goals but i didn't see it at all [Laughter] must have been a sad rabbit or something right i'm glad i'm married i loved being married equally hated being single i was not good at being single hard to meet women when your pickup line includes an apology and a star wars quote and insecure and broke is one thing insecure broke and single that's the frosting of the loser cake i did this one time this is true when i was single i'm in the bank i'm doing the transaction i ask the teller out then i realize i just ask someone out who's looking at a computer view of my financial situation [Laughter] [Applause] there is nothing you can say at that very moment i've got other accounts there's one i keep negative my wife is great my wife's from texas i'm married to texan and uh i remember when i proposed to her i told her i'm from hawaii and i sure would love to stay in this country so my wife is great we've been married 16 years uh well thank you that is very nice of you but we've been together 23 i have to say that because she wants credit for time served married or not been together a long time 23 years and we met a bar because 23 years ago pretty much what you had to do we didn't have your texting and your match.com you had to be rejected face to face then you had to walk away in your jedi robe that sucked no you do want to dance these aren't the dorks you're looking for you're a dork 23 years have been together i realized last year how long my wife and i have been together we had a power outage in our neighborhood one night and we're looking out the window everything street lights out every house the whole neighborhood is pitch black and i hear my wife's voice say this so did you pay the bill no i made them so mad they went you know what shut the whole town down i hate that guy [Laughter] hey i realize she's half joking but that still means half her brain went you know it could have been him 23 years we've been together my wife and i have been together so long that she could be mad at me and i could not know why and i'm cool with that because i've learned that knowing doesn't help at all i don't know what causes a hurricane but i do know when it's time to hide in the bathroom i know that part she was mad at me in the morning one time i just woke up what could i have done i'm not kidding i wake up i walk out i sit down i can't believe you know because you're just talking about something i was going to say and then you were dead are you mad at me well yes i am here comes a rookie mistake why right i asked here's why she was mad at me and i'm not making this up my wife was mad at me because i cheated on her in her dream yep you ever took a test where there were no correct answers i did there's nothing you can do you just sit there and hope for a ufo abduction that's all you got i can't believe you did that well i didn't do that oh yes you did you had a penguin head and a reggae hat but i knew it was you the whole time so i did the only thing i could think to do i went back to sleep and apologized to her in my dream so [Applause] what else i'm a dad we have uh two children uh grover and kermit jr i love him i love being a dad best thing ever to happen to me by far and to be honest it was not my idea it's the greatest thing in my life my wife had to talk me into it i had to be convinced i was like yeah i can't build anything from the ikea but let's make a person that's a good idea i just spent 10 hours on a farm for hoogan or something can't tell if it's a coffee table or bunk bed but yeah people sure oh hey if this extra bag of bolts doesn't scare you let's do this i'm your guy she was right you learn what you need to learn and you learn quickly you know what i learned very early on did you know this did you know there are two 630s [Music] no i'm serious there's an early one and it happens every day and it sucks you're leaning against the window what is the sun doing over there honey the neighbors have chickens did you know that it doesn't end at baby time it keeps going apparently there's a thing called breakfast and apparently kids are supposed to have it i am not a breakfast person i used to eat breakfast in my twenties but i cannot stay up that late anymore we didn't call it breakfast we got it how don't worry that joke's not for everybody just the alcoholics they're with me they know where i am i'll see them at denny's that's gonna happen everything's exciting when you're a dad you celebrate every moment my daughter turned one that was a big day nacho that's because my first child is having her first birthday but because wow i've kept a human being alive for a year there's a dog a hamster and a few plants that would be very surprised to hear that i've had screensaver fish die how does that happen sea monkeys call me el diablo [Music] you're always a dad it becomes who you are even when you're not around the family that is how powerful it is i was hanging out a couple buddies of mine are both younger they're both single we're in a bar i stood up i promise you i said this yeah i gotta go potty what did you just say i said i gotta punch somebody why i was i was gonna go over there and punch somebody and then go potty god i need to go night night it's 9 30 already i love being a dad and you enter into a whole new universe one that you do not know is there tv shows bunch of tv shows i didn't know existed now i know everything about them and i understand i was one of these people but it cracks me up with people who don't have kids say things like well when i have kids i'm not i'm not just going to plop them in front of the tv [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] oh that's precious so you're not planning on i don't know uh pooping for 10 years are you will there be unicorns in this magical end of yours or the body cleans itself somehow you can't say what you're going to do in parenthood parenthood will teach you as you go things that you have no idea here's something i i did not know and i know now you create language as a parent i learned this when i heard my wife say this to my children uh and i knew what she meant loosely translated that means i need you to stop and put that down or the cat is gonna die that's apparent it does to a perfectly good human being this articulate intelligent woman i met 23 years ago now says this no if you don't cause i try try that was a poem i just read to you people that is eight sentences shoved into one mad haiku that's what that is you lose control over your mouth when you become a parent and when it starts happening you cannot you cannot believe it's you here's my story on that same topic i have a pre-teen daughter now and yes you should pity me a lot i had no idea when your sweet little girl becomes a preteen you cannot be prepared for that moment it's like being in a transformer movie oh a cool car big scary robot what's happening my daughter sprained her forehead from rolling her eyes too hard that happened she actually saw the back of her neck it was impressive whatever dad how has pre-teen daughter not been a james bond villain how has that not happened you'll never get away with this your faces won't get away with that when you have a pre-teen daughter you cannot fight every fight you cannot argue every argument because they're circular and psychotic they don't make sense and they'll make you insane so you can't you can't start the argument you can't light the fuse you can't say things like hey it's kind of chilly you might want to put on a jacket that's a real argument i had because i asked her to put on a jacket you know what she told me dad it makes me look poofy it's a jacket that's not a thing nobody's going to see you walk by is that an angry bag of tapioca i'm offended by death the arguments with the pre-teen daughter are crazy to the point where i the one i'm gonna tell you about i don't remember the topic of the argument i don't remember what we were arguing about that's how stupid it was it could have been something like i said hey breathing is good and then she stopped breathing why'd you stop breathing well you don't understand me it could have been that i don't remember the topic of the argument partly because what i do remember is what i said to my daughter who i love dearly i love this girl so much but in this moment i was getting up tight i was getting angry and in the middle of this argument folks not proud here's what i said to my own daughter you know what i'm gonna fart on your neck i said now what is wrong with me why would you say that to any human being on the planet ever when i heard it i went oh please don't have been me was that me really what a bizarre thing to say plus it doesn't exist i said something that isn't real i am not calling my own bluff here it's not like okay put on some goggles on a turtleneck let's get started and by the way once you've said that walk away you are done you have lost the argument and you don't just lose that moment you lose for a while because try parenting after you said that to your pre-teen daughter there's nothing you can do hey i'm gonna need you to clean your room are you gonna fart on my neck dad maybe start with a toe burp see if i learn anything that's when you tap out mom you're in boom i am not good at this parenthood makes you crazy you make up rules you're just trying to survive so rules just get made up one time my son called me right before i was about to go on stage he said dad i have to finish that math project by tomorrow i need a protractor can you grab a protractor on your way home i said son i got two shows tonight by the time i get home you're going to be asleep why don't you ask your mom to take you to store and get a protractor and my son says oh no dad the bra came off [Applause] i'm sorry what was that you said son i didn't hear what you said was that again no dad once the bra comes off we can't leave the house well i was not consulted on this new rule that's a real thing in my house that i did not know was happening if it's summertime and you see a woman in a store wearing a parka she is mad i couldn't believe it and then i became very envious because i have nothing like that in my life at all i can't take off a sock and go oh that's it oh yeah put your jackets away we're not going anywhere you better hope there's not a fire we're dying in here oh let the ankles breathe my kids have hawaiian features but they definitely have my wife's irish texas skin so when we're in hawaii and they're playing with their cousins doesn't matter how far away i know which two are mine like a couple of twinkies and a bowl of ding-dongs it is very obvious my culture is very important to me you know i grew up in hawaii it's a lot of who i am so even though my kids are being raised in seattle i want them to be close to that culture so i'm very proud to say that since she was five my daughter has danced the hula and she plays ukulele and my son eats a lot and he's always late so there you go [Applause] it's a weird thing to think someone on the planet is half you you know i write an article that add might be genetic so i wrote a lot of apology to my kids okay i started a lot of apology to my kids they've come a long way they gave it a name when i was a kid they didn't call it add they call it possessed by the devil it was a term we didn't have ritalin we had boiled chicken feed and pelt him with mangoes or something why are there leeches on my head i want to suck out the evil you little freak i am in an add book club we get together once a month and just just talk about the first page of books then we go outside and try to find our cars and we laugh and laugh [Music] hour later oh wait i didn't drive high five you win dude once again the add jokes aren't for everybody very select group of the audience and sadly they are not paying attention at this point in the show i'll never make excuses that's my promise to you i don't like the excuse people i murdered because i have adhd that's why i murdered you're a liar it's impossible here's what happened i'm to kill that guy and ooh pie pie is 80d kryptonite that is that joke right there folks pie has kept me from my greatest accomplishments man there's a denny's on the way to everything it's good to be here i've been traveling a lot do a lot of flying and here's what i've learned flying through airports across america apparently the smaller the town the more i look arab so i just go to some airports in my underwear because hey let's save time ready to go and whenever given the choice between the x-ray or the pat down i will always choose the pat down number one i don't feel like being radiated every time i fly and number two i can close my eyes and you are whoever i want you to be okay anne hath the way you make this country safer just i'm helping america find it they still take your nail clippers but here's the funny part not only do they take your nail clippers they're required to ask you why you brought them it's in the name don't get me wrong i am all for safety but here's the thing if you try and take over the plane with nail clippers i will beat the crap out of you i haven't been in a fight since i was 12 but it's go time i got this you have nail clippers i've got an in-flight magazine with your name on it and yes that's how i fight i didn't mean to scare you folks i don't fight it's very simple here's why well two reasons this ain't a winner try that once here's why i don't fight it's very simple i have allergies you cannot fight when you have allergies do you know why because you can't begin you can't start yeah you want to step outside outside no well maybe if the pollen counts are low i'd hate to get boogie on your fist you're angry already i'm going to take a claritin and beat that guy up before i get drowsy remember you can't be macho when you have allergies you don't even try anymore really going to take me down so does air congratulations i'm going to hit my eye and make it well up just like particles from a flower look at you you're like a dandelion hulk smash let's do this i was in charlotte north carolina get this 20 hawaiians came to see the show in charlotte north carolina 20. i was saying well this must be witness protection program 20 people made that decision i am sick of paradise honey north carolina pack it up i'm tired of 80 humidity let's go for 97 let's do this if i see another rainbow i'm gonna freak 20. there are more hawaiians in charlotte north carolina than there were on nine years of magnum pi once again for those of you under 40 it was a show in hawaii with no hawaiians my buddy goes have you seen that new hawaii five oh there's a couple hawaiians on there okay but here's a secret they're korean only missed it by an ocean you never see hawaiians they're supposed to be ever watch that pearl harbor movie apparently there were no hawaiians in hawaii during world war ii looks like the japanese attacked idaho for some reason what happened you couldn't find one hawaiian actor who could do this you know where you do see hawaiians on tv dog the bounty hunter there's my peeps right there how high do you have to be to get caught by dog the bounty hunter really wow there's three suvs uh camera crew and a mullet the size of a clydesdale dude i'm gonna wait here and see how this plays out that's an impressive mullet if you're gonna go mullet go all the way that is a black belt mullet that is business in the front and christina aguilera in the back it's like a jellyfish wearing a trojan helmet it's gorgeous and what better way to accessorize a mullet yes leather absolutely leather pants leather tank top i believe that is when you get a leather tank top masochist gap is that a store i didn't know thunderdome has a mall seriously all i'm asking is this is there not a mirror by the door on the way out of the doghouse and if there is a mirror as he walked by it and go yup i got it right again i want to look like the cowardly lion on a harley boom there it is i want to look like joe dirt at a techno rave nailed that let's go catch hawaiians i was on interstate 90 in eastern washington i saw state patrol minivan [Laughter] i'm going to say that again i saw a state patrol minivan folks you know what would suck being pulled over a minivan that'd be a horrible day you're driving a larger ah no way i'm getting busted by a family of five really it'll be worse than that being taken down to the station in the minivan just don't make me come back there i'll be handcuffed in the back are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we he's touching me are we there yet are we here taco so here's my getting pulled over story which i hope you can use because i learned it the hard way it is my gift to you if you're driving in the winter and it's freezing cold outside and you get pulled over just remember this there is no law that says how long it has to take to find your [Laughter] license i'm going to turn in the heat now it's cold out there man those are you over 40 you can explain this to the people under 40 please really glad you came out thank you very much have a good night thank you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 904,414

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kermet Apio, Kermet Apio Dry Bar Comedy, Kermet Apio Comedy, Kermet Apio Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, Hawaiian Pizza, Spam pizza, hawaii, star wars, pineapple pizza, weird name, names

Id: BTyDXFiYYW0

Length: 45min 30sec (2730 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 02 2020