Steve! Steve Treviño is my favorite comedian. I'm like one of his biggest fans. He's like the wife whisperer. She's my own Captain Evil. I can relate to that. Ladies and gentlemen. Steve Treviño! Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Joe. Oh, we've got it. Yeah, I was watching you. Guys walk in, and a bunch of young guys
who just got married were walking in, and I could see that on their dumb face,
believe me. He has no idea what
he just got himself into. He doesn't even know how to speak Wife. Oh, you've got to
learn to speak Wife, man. And wife is a language
that you learn over years of abuse. You get you start to figure
it out after a while, you know. “Wife” always comes
in the form of a question,
you know? Oh, yeah, I'll be sitting on the couch
comfortably and here comes the wife. Hey, are you thinking about going to the store? To you, young married man, That means you're going to the store. Don't be a dumb ass and answer. No, I wasn't thinking about
going to the store. No, she just told you to go to the store. Now, when you get to the store, you wait. You wait for her to text you
all the things that she wants. And it's also by brand. Oh, my wife has to have a certain brand. I can't even make a decision for myself
in the grocery store aisle. If I'm in the toilet paper aisle and her brand's not there, I'm
the dumb ass that has to FaceTime her. Hey, babe, is that one good? Can I get that one? All the other married men are like, What she say?
What she say? And by the way,
don't leave when you've bought everything. Don't leave because you're going
to get another text. It's going to say,
Are you still at the store? So just wait because that shit is coming Sometime she'll ask me a
question in the middle of the night. I'll be asleep and she'll wake me up. Hey, hey. Is it hot in here? Well, I wouldn't know. I was asleep. How can you sleep in this heat? Well, apparently I can't. Apparently, because you can't. I now can't. And that's wife for ‘Get up and turn the
thermostat to 57 degrees.’ And later that night,
when you're freezing your balls off and your testicles have icicles and she has now
stolen all the covers, and now you really can't sleep. Don't you dare wake her up. Have some respect. I didn't even know
I could speak wife. I didn't know. I just thought. I mean, you figure it out
after you've been married a long time. And I didn't realize that young husbands
did not speak it. You know, I found out because a young man
in his twenties who was married,
he was with his wife. After a show,
he came up to me, He goes,
Man, Steve, I'm a big fan! and I just want to have a drink
with you tonight. And I said, Well, my wife is not here,
so I'm going to have a drink. I said, I'm going to go to that casino,
I'm going to drink Crown Royal and I'm going to play craps. I said, you can join me if you like. And this man with his wife,
he didn't even hesitate. He didn't even even look at his wife. He goes, Man, Imma be there. I said, Wow,
you're a confident little guy,
aren't you? I said, Why don't you ask your wife? And then he goes,
‘Nah, man, my wife is cool.’ I go, ‘Wow, you just got married.’ He goes, ‘How do you know?’ And I go,
Because you still think she's cool. And then he goes, Babe, can I go with Steve and have a drink
at the casino and play craps? And then she started to speak wife. She looked at him right in the face
and she goes, ‘You can do ... whatever you want.’ And his dumb ass goes,
‘Told you!’ I go, ‘Oh, no, no,
no, it's a trap.’ It's a trap. Do not do whatever you want. You're on a date
and I was not invited on your date. Go home, son. Go home. There is no husband talk. Men are like dogs, Ladies. It's real simple. You feed us,
you give us water, You give us a toy to play with and rub us in that spot. You know, the spot,
the one that gets the leg to... You know the spot Sometimes I can't take it though, man. I've been married long enough. She speaks wife to me
and I just talk shit back. And by the way, wife
talk is not always verbal. Sometimes they can walk wife. Sometimes they have
wife on their face. Like you're in the living room
and here she comes. Every man knows that
walk from their wife. And in our head we go
‘Ahhhhh, here we go!’ She came up to me
and she goes, she goes, Are you going to pick up our son at daycare or shall I? I said, You shall. So I went to pick up my son at daycare And I get to the point
where I'm like, I just want her to tell me
what she wants. Just tell me
what you want me to do. I don't need a puzzle. I don't need a riddle. I don't need a haiku. I just want you to tell me what you want. The other day I took, I took the TV from our bedroom, and I took it outside
because I wanted to watch the game. Okay. Later that night, it's time to go to bed. We're in the bedroom,
and instead of just telling me to go get the TV, here we go. She goes, ‘Is the TV still outside?’ Is it in here? Do you see it in here? I go. Just tell me. Just say the words
I go. Say go get the TV. Can you say go get the TV? And then she goes,
Is it going to stay out there? Oh, my God. Just tell me to go get it. Tell me to go get it. Well, is it going to get ruined? Son of a bitch. For the love of God, Jesus. Holy Mary,
mother of God, just tell me to go get it. You know what makes
me even madder? Is now, she's going to pretend,
like she's going to go get it. Well, is it heavy? Mother f**** You're not going to go get it! It's nighttime. You're in your nightgown,
your titties are hanging out. You're not. You're not going outside. And then she started to walk
like she was going to go get it. And the the man,
in me wouldn't let her. I go, ‘No, no, no.’ Then I got the TV! And I go, Wait a minute,
did she make me get the TV Without telling me
to go get the TV? I go, okay, there it is.
What are you going to watch it? She goes
‘No, I just wanted it inside.’ And she always... My wife's always looking out
for my best interest, right? She doesn't. She doesn't want me to be too drunk. So when we go out
drinking together, instead of asking me to stop drinking, She has to put it into a question. Right. I'll be drinking my Crown Royal.
Then here she comes. How many Crown Royals
have you drank? I go, ‘Well, apparently
this one's last.’ And she'll let me order it. Instead of telling me to stop ordering,
she'll let me order it. I'm like, Can I get a
Crown on the rocks? Thank you. And then there's my wife, Do you think, You need another one? Well, that's why I ordered it. Why don't you just tell me
not to get one? The woman can't say thank you. I'll tell you that. Oh, my God. I can't get my wife to say thank you. Or, I'm sorry. Those words
did not come out of her mouth. They come out of
my mouth all the time. Oh, I always say I'm sorry. Sometimes I wake up in the morning,
I go, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know what I did,
but I'm sorry. I apologize. For what? I don't know something.
I'm going to do something. You're the best and I'm the worst.
I'm sorry! My wife does something,
If she does something for our family. Oh, Tah Dah! Thank me? And I have to clap. Oh, baby, you're amazing.
Wow! But in all honesty,
my wife does a lot. My wife sacrifices a lot, too. I tell her thank you. I send her little messages. You know, I buy her stuff. Oh, yeah, I send her flowers,
I buy her thing. She likes things
and I buy things. Just to let her know. Thank you. Just to let her know
that I appreciate her. You know why? Because the woman has sacrificed
for our family. She's made babies for our family. She has a beautiful home for us. Yes. She she deserves she deserves a thank you. But you know what? I do stuff too I could use a thank you, a high five. I'll take a pat on the back. At this point,
I'll take a thumbs up. That's all I need! Because I do sacrifice. And I wake up every day and I try to be
a better man today than I was yesterday. I try to be a better father
to my son today than I was yesterday. I sacrifice. Right. And a lot of you
women are married to men like me, too. They work hard. They sacrifice. Does he get a little drunk
on a work day? Yes. But in the morning,
when it's time to go to work, does he call in sick
like a little bitch? No. He wakes up like a man,
still drunk. And all I'm saying. Ladies, is that maybe at that moment
you could pick your head up out of bed and go... You know what I get?
when I wake up before my wife? Oh, my God.
Can you be any louder? You have to wake up
the whole house? You mean the house that I'm working
so hard to pay for? Well, that's good. You're supposed to do that. But do it quiet and do it in the dark because the people
that matter are sleeping and turn the thermostat at up. It's cold in here. She always
speaks wife too men. Everything I do, everything I do,
she speaks wife. We bought a swing set for my son
and I don't know if you've seen
swing sets lately, but they're not like the
ones we grew up with. Remember our swing sets
that our parents put together for us? They don't even have the courtesy
to anchor them to the ground like, Remember,
you would swing
and the whole thing and you go across the backyard. We're out there about to die and our parents are inside blasting cigarets, drinking whiskey. The swing set we bought for my son
might as well be a second home. Oh, my God. There's a door and windows and a roof. And we bought it on Amazon because that's
where you buy things now, you know? And you don't even know what you're buying because you don't get to see it in person. And me
and my wife, we're picking it out together because I'm not allowed
to make my own decisions and my wife picked the
biggest one, of course, because the only thing my wife blows is the budget. And we bought it. We bought it. And after we bought it,
it said for $500, click right here and we'll send you three guys to help you
put it together. And I click No And my wife starts
to speak wife. Did you mean to click, No? Yeah, I'm aware of what I'm doing. Yes, I clicked, No. She goes,
‘Well, you're not going to get the guys?’ That's what no means then. Now when she speaks wife,
she has to say things in a shitty way that hurt my feelings. Well, who's going to put it together? I wonder, Who? How about me? How about me? How about I'm who? How about I'm who? You? Yes, me. I got an email from Amazon that that truck was coming
with my equipment. I was outside in the driveway ready to go. I had overalls on. I was stretching, I was ready. And then an 18 wheeler
came to my house And the driver goes, ‘Hey, man, where's the guys?’ I said, I didn't get the guys. And he goes, Who's
going to put it together? I said, Me, that's who. And then he goes,
‘Man, you're fucked.’ And he left. 15 boxes in my driveway. And let me tell you something, man. When we make a decision
at my house and my wife made that decision, that means that WE
have made a decision. And when that decision
goes wrong for her, It is my job
as her partner, as her teammate, to help it go right. When I make a decision
that she doesn't like, That means that
I have now made a decision. And when it goes wrong,
is she my partner? Is she my teammate? No, she's there to make it worse. Even he knows
you should have gotten the guya. I go, ‘Do you see me guys here?’ Babe, there's no guys. Can you help me?
I need you to help me. I tried to help you. I told you to get the guys. Just read the book. Can you read the book? I need you to read the
instruction book. She can't do that with
a good attitude She has to stare me down like we're about to fistfight. It's in Spanish. Turn it around. How about you turn it around? Oh, my God. You're
just going to yell at me? Is that why you brought me out here? So you can yell at me? Because the neighbors can hear you. Babe, just tell me.
Step one, please. What is step one? Well, step one is get Guys, I already told you. And nothing makes me more mad
that when my wife is right, nothing makes me more mad. And she was right. I needed guys. And I didn't get my guys
on Amazon. No way. I'm a Texan. I do H.A.M,
you guys do H.A.M? Hire a mexican. The three of them showed up
stacked on top of each other. *Aqui estamos Cabron!* Oh sh*t! I said,
‘Can you guys, put together that swing set?’ And the main Mexican was offended! He goes, Guys, that's a one man job. That's easy for me. And then he's fired
The other Mexicans! Beto, Juan, get out of here! That's an easy job for me. I went inside to get the book. By the time I came back, Felipe was already swinging And I go,
‘How much do I owe you?’ He goes, 800. I said, 800. I said, Amazon was 500. He goes ‘Oh, pues,’ Maybe you need
to listen to your wife and call the guy. He goes, ‘By the way,
when you click the guys, pendejo, I'm the guys. You guys, I'm HAMazon. Cabron! A lot of you are confused. A lot of you are like,
wait a minute, Steve. I thought you were Mexican. No, I'm Mexican-American. I'm damn proud to be Mexican-American. My father served in
the Vietnam War. And now you're really confused. You're like, Steve, I don't understand.
You're Mexican-American. Felipe is Mexican. How come he was able to put together
the swing set and you could not. What's the difference? The American part. What white people
need to understand is even Mexican-Americans go
f*ck that, You need a mexican. Every generation we lose skills. There's a bunch of Mexican-American
women here tonight. None of these. Yeah, none of these women made tamales for Christmas. That recipe died with abuelita, When the original dies, we wrap her in a corn husk
and we sent her down. Asi. And all the cousins at the funeral
are like, Oh, my God. Did you learn? I didn't learn, did you? What are we going to do now? Well, we're going to buy ‘em. like the white people. But all you young guys
that got married, Listen to me, man. If you can speak wife,
you can speak mother in law. It's the same language. Just a little more asshole on my mother in law, man. She, she she says things in a positive way and she says, I'm with the smile,
but I know what she's really saying. All the last time I saw her,
she patted me on my belly and she goes, Oh, you look good. That's all my wife I got.
Did you hear what your mom said to me? Here's what she said. You look good. I said, Yeah, but you didn't hear. But get ready.
All you young men that just got married. Because when you get married,
you marry her family. And that means that your family no longer exist. Oh, my wife's parents, they show up,
they didn't call, they didn't let us know. They knock on the door. And there's my wife, my parents kind of fell out of her purse. My parents. Are. Oh, my God, my bad. My parents come every at once,
every three months. And there's my wife. Oh, oh. Did we run out of confetti? What happened? Well, I'm happy they're here. Well, maybe you should tell your face. They're always welcome in our house. Not according to that got face the. Like I said, man, I got. I got good in-laws, man.
They're good people. And I got lucky with that, you know. And my father in law.
I love that dude, man. I got a real good father in law, man. What's weird is my wife married a man almost exactly like her dad,
which is kind of weird, you know? Oh, yeah.
Me and him are very similar people, man. We both like to work hard,
and we both like to party hard. You know, we like sports,
we like to gamble. We're very similar. And I like hanging out with him
because I like hanging out with me, you know, I should have married him, I'll be honest with is. Well, we do party different. You know I like the whiskey. And my father in law, he likes the weed. Oh, yeah, man. He smokes. He smokes the marijuana, man,
and it makes him real happy. My father in law,
when he smokes the weed and the women in my wife's family, they don't like it
when their husbands are happy. You know? So even though I don't smoke weed,
I keep a little at the house just to piss her off, you know? Oh, man, we go to we go to dinner
with my in-laws, right? Right. We go to dinner with them
and it's time to pay the bill. And my father in law, he's good, man.
He'll he'll try to pay. My wife won't let him. Daddy, please. Your money's no good, Dad. Maybe it is. I mean, we haven't even tried. Let's let the establishment decide. You know what my wife says? You know, my wife's like, Oh, how come
we always have to pay for your parents? You know? She says they do so much for us. That's it. They do so much for us. That's it. That's why she said You should have seen how excited
my father in law was to find out I was booked in Vegas. Because, you know, yeah, marijuana's
legal in Vegas. Oh, man. He came up to me. He goes, Steve,
I see that we're booked in Vegas. But I said, We I'm sorry, man, I'm booked in Vegas. So they came and I paid
because their money's no good and they do so much for us. I got there Wednesday night and then my wife and my in-laws,
they're not going to get there till Thursday morning. Okay. 8:00 in the morning. Now, my wife is not the kind of wife
that I can leave keys at the front desk
so she can show herself to the hotel room. I got to meet her in the lobby
like I'm a peasant and she's the queen. I have to show up. Your Majesty, you have arrived. Give me the royal luggage. Get on my back. You shall not walk. Follow me. So it's Wednesday night. I know. I got to be in the lobby at 8 a.m.. I'm in Vegas. I can't sleep. Right. My buddy
goes, you need to sleep. Eat this. And he hands me a little gummy bear. Yeah, I know there's weed
in that gummy bear, but I don't do weed. But I did need to sleep
and it was just a little gummy bear. I say, You know what?
I'll just eat half right. So I ate half and I met God. We had a long talk. Apparently I'm not getting in
without my wife. I didn't wake up till 1:00 the next day. Her Majesty was very upset in the lobby. My father in law, he saw me. He goes, Take me to the pot store. I've never been to a marijuana dispensary
before, man. And it's not like a liquor store. You don't go in
and get your flavor and leave. You got to talk to a pot professional. And the pot professional is a girl
in her twenties and she's wearing a lab coat
like she's a real doctor. She held up the same gummy bear she is. You see this gummy bear? I said, I do. Yes, she does. If you smoke weed every single day,
you should eat half. I said, Well, that's how I met God. Just what if you just want
to have fun? Bite the leg? That's what she says. Bite the leg and wait on my wife, my mother in law. They're going to go see Jennifer Lopez
Saturday night, right? Yeah. So my father in law and I, we decided
since the girls are going to be gone Saturday night, we have a plan to. And our plan was to go to my show, bite
the leg and play craps. That's our plan. Right before I walk on stage, my father in law says,
I'll meet you at the craps table. I said, Yes, sir. I finished my show. It's about an hour
and I go to the craps table. No father in law. So I call him on the phone
and he answers the phone like this. What did you give me? This hostage? You gave me acid. I go, It's not acid, man, it's weed. He goes, Well, I'm freaking out, man. I've laughed, I've cried, I'm scared. The man is in his sixties and he goes, Help me. I go, Where are you?
He goes, I'm staring at your face. And he hung up the phone. Those were all the clues
I was going to get. I know where my face is. I don't know where he is. It's like an episode of CSI Vegas,
and the only clue I got is my face. I found him in front of a poster of me, and he was this close. The man had put himself in time out. I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around,
he goes, Hey, man, what the fuck? I said, Did you bite the leg? He goes, I bit the leg,
but he didn't do anything. So I ate the whole thing and that didn't do anything. So I ate another one. I said, Have you met? And he said, No. And I said, Well,
you better buckle up, buttercup, you're going to be higher than giraffe pussy for the next 8 hours. I said, some of you just learned today
that giraffe pussy is the highest pussy on earth. I saw it on your face. You're like, Oh, I sat him down in a chair and I said,
Hey, man, you need to relax. You need to calm down, man. It is we he knows that we may have been smoking weed
since I was 13 years old. Man We don't make you feel like this. MAN I'm freaking out, man. And then about an hour went by
and he goes, Oh, man, it is we. I said, You want to play craps?
And we did. I watched my father in law play craps in. The man was happy. I've never seen him that
happy because I know his wife and I'm married to a very similar woman. And I got a text message from my wife. She said, Concert's over,
we're on our way to you. And I was like,
Oh, well, this party is over. And I know a lot of you, macho man,
you're thinking to yourself, Steve, why don't you just text your wife
not to come? Why don't you text
your wife that the men are hanging out? Yeah, I don't have that kind of wife. My could text her that if I want her to get there faster,
that's the kind of life I got. My wife would show up with a text message
on her phone, read that to me. No, please. In front of your friends. What does it say? Well, it says I'm stupid. My wife got there. My mother in law got there. My mother in law. So my father in law high and happy. And she gave him a look of disappointment
and disgust. And I know that look from her
because it's the same look. She gave me when I asked her
if I could marry her daughter. But then I thought to myself, You know
what, I'm going to learn something today. That woman is a lot like my wife
and that man is a lot like me. And somehow they've managed
to stay married for over 40 years. Yeah, 40. You. And if anybody, if anybody's going to teach me
how to handle my wife, it's right now. And he turned around and ran
in the other direction. I got the blame. My wife goes,
Oh my God, what did you do to my dad? I say,
I didn't do anything to your dad, man. We had a plan
and the plan was to bite the leg. Girls Well, who paid for it? I said me,
but only because the man does so much for us. And you. It's funny, man. I do these shows all the time
talking about my life and my wife, and sometimes I get people to hit me up
and they go, Why are you still married? I love my wife. That's why I do, man. Yeah, I love my wife. Oh, another question I get is Steve, why? What is it about your wife that you love? And that's a complicated question
for a man, especially me, because it's changed over time. You know, when I first met her,
it was her ass. That's what I fell in love with. That great ass, nice legs. I'm a leg and ass man and. Oh, yeah. And a lot of you women are like, Oh,
my God, Steve, that's very shallow of you. I got bad news for you ladies. That man you're sitting with tonight
didn't look across the room the first time he saw you and thought to himself,
I would like to have a mortgage with her. I bet we could get a good 401k going. No. He looked across the room and he said, I'm going to bone her. That's when I said, and I did, I did. I got her in my sack
and then she didn't leave. All the others would leave and she stayed. So I did it again and she still stayed. And then I started loving her for staying. I did. I started to love her for staying
and I started to hang out with her. She turned out to be a really good person
and she was funny and she had a good sense of humor
and we would party together. And I fell in love with that man. And then I started to hate her. Why are you still here? She's like,
Well, I'll leave. I'm like, Then leave. You're a cock blocker. And then she left and for the first
time I want her to come back. And I said, Why don't you leave? She's because you're an asshole. And I said, Well, if I'm a little
less of an asshole, will you come back? And she did, dummy. Oh, now
then, to make sure that she wouldn't leave again,
I asked her to marry me and she said yes. And I was like, Dummy, she did. She said yes. And we got married
and I fell in love with her on my wedding day because I thought to myself,
this woman has signed a contract with me and she knows my credit score,
but she believed in me. But then we made a baby together, man. Yeah, we made a baby together. She gave me a family,
and I fell in love with her again. And the point of this story to all you young guys
that just got married is you have to fall in love
with your wife over and over and over again. Yes. Because if you're in love with tits
and ass, that shit goes away. You'd better love her for something else. I mean, we still have a gym membership
and I encourage I encourage my. Hey, babe, let's keep that active shape. Let's. But that has been the biggest issue in
our relationship is my love for my wife. That's the biggest problem that we have. Oh, no. We're at a point where she knows
I love her. So she takes advantage of me. Oh, man, she wants things. She asks for things. And because I love her so much,
I break my back to give her all the things she wants. You know? Yeah, that's true. And a lot of you women in this room
don't realize, like me, your husband loves you so much
that when you ask, that man
breaks his back to give it to you. And what I'm trying to say in this therapy
session is, hey, ladies,
how about sometimes don't ask. Maybe you love him enough to shut the fuck up,
but you don't and you won't. There's not a woman in here
that felt bad right now. Every woman here just laughed and slapped you on the leg. You know, you're my favorite employee. You know, you. That's all I am. I'm my wife's employee. I work for my wife. She is the boss. I've been fired. But somehow wake up still at work. I don't know how that works. I'm afraid to quit. I know she's not going to
give me a good reference. I know. I know she's not. She's also in charge of h.r. Which is bullshit. Sometimes we have to have meetings. Come in. Come here. Why did you say that? Well, it's funny. That's why I said it. We went on a we went on vacation
last year, and I don't like vacations. I'm not a vacation guy. I know a lot of guys here
that can do nothing all day. That's not me. Guys like me. We're never on vacation. We're at the vacation. My wife is on vacation
and I am her employee. I'm the cabana boy. I have to follow her
with all the lawn chairs and the wagon and the yeti and the sand toys and the canopy. And I'm sweating my ass off,
pulling that through the sand. And all she has is a big bag with a towel in it. Set it up. Set it up. She wants to tell me how to do it,
to put the canopy first. But the canopy first. And after I set everything up,
my next job is to be her Instagram photographer. And I don't know why
she gives me that job. All she does is shit. All my work. Every time I take a picture of her,
let me see it. Let me sit. Do you even know how to take pictures? I got new shoes. You should know that. Get High. Get high. She wants to change locations. Follow me to the water.
Follow me to the one. Okay, now to the pier. Let's get one on the pier. Let's get one on the pier. 400 pictures
I've taken of this woman to watch her sit in a lawn chair
and delete them in front of me. She. She just sits there and looks at me
with an asshole face. Just. No, no. Why? No blurry. Why? Unusable. I've worked all day. Now it's time to go pick it up. Let's go wrap it up. Let's go. Come on, cabana boy. Let's go. We get in the car and there's my wife. Oh, my. And I had five. I know I follow you on Instagram. Love you. Got a great life, honey. Great life. Horrible photographer. But we did, man. We went on vacation
because I love my wife. I asked my wife, I said,
When would you like to go on vacation? And she said, 4th of July weekend. And I was happy about that
because I love this country and I love to celebrate this country
and I love 4th of July. So I said, Yeah, yeah. I asked my wife, I said, What are we going
to do on 4th of July weekend? She said, We're going to stay home. Let's just stay home. Just be a family together. Just us and probably my parents,
but just us. I said, okay, by the way, this vacation turns out to be
the worst vacation of my life and turns out to be the
best vacation of her life. And it was the same vacation. Monday morning we wake up on our vacation. My wife is loading our dining room
chairs into my truck. And what are you doing? Because I'm taking these chairs to my mom. We're going to give them to her now. People,
I could give a crap about the chairs. I don't want them in my trunk. I told her that. I said, not in my truck. See people, that's my truck. I grew up in a little town
called Gregory Portland, Texas. That's where I grew up. Yeah. And in that town is a bunch of farmers, refinery workers,
pipefitters, welders, hard working people. And growing up, all I ever wanted was a 71
Chevy Silverado man. That's all I ever wanted. Yeah, and I got it. And now she's loading chairs into it. I would say where I come from,
that is a perfect truck for me, right? Humble, hardworking, by the way, me and my wife grew up in the same town,
same hardworking town. You would think that my wife
would pick out a car that reflects where we come from. Oh, not her. She drives a Land Rover
because her vagina only touches heated Italian leather. We come a long way from the ultima. I found her in. I go, Why don't you put those chairs
in your Land Rover? She goes,
I don't want them in my Land Rover. Why can't we take your truck? I said, We can't take my truck, baby,
because I love that truck just so. And I go, and if you drive it when I finish,
because that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fish. And when I fish, you're going to drive
that truck. She goes, What's wrong with that? I Said, You have wrecked every vehicle
that you've ever driven and I don't want you to wreck my truck. But because I love my wife,
we took my truck. I'm fishing with my dad. I got a text message from my wife
and it reads, Hey, no big deal. Any man that speaks wife
already knows what's about to happen. No big deal. Call me when you're done fishing. Dot, dot, dot.
That's how I knew I was fucked. Dot, dot, dot. Have fun. Gosh, you wrecked my truck. She never wants me to have fun. I called her up. First thing that comes out of her mouth
is, don't be mad. I go, you wrecked my truck. And she goes, Aren't you worried about me? I said, I'm not. You're talking to me. You're fine. What happened to my truck? You know those poles
they put around gas station pumps? Yeah, they're there for my wife. If they weren't there, gas stations would be burning all over the country. I don't even know what my wife is
doing in a gas station. My wife doesn't pump her own gas. I'm the asshole that pumps her gas. Yes, my wife's the kind of wife
that she'll run out of gas in her car and call me and go, well, yeah, fucked up. You ran out of gas and my car. I don't. What were you doing in the gas station? She was I was pulling through. Not only did she wreck my truck, she continued to wreck my truck. Here's the truck. Well, she started to wreck it here. She was like, oh, my God,
I think I'm wrecking it. Let's really fuck it up. It's kind of fucked up
that I'm the size of the pole right now. She wrecked it here. She's like,
You know what? Let's just finish the job. Let's I, she, I go, Did you not feel that? And she goes, Oh my God. The whole truck was like that. I go, So then why didn't you stop it
from going like that? And she goes, Well,
that's why I went faster. Can we take it off
now? Okay. We don't need we don't need to keep seeing it. I told that story out of show. A woman fell out of her chair laughing. I go, Why are you laughing so hard? She just because I wrecked his truck. She goes twice and her husband
goes, The husband goes, I'm out of here. And he got up and left you. That's not even the funny part. His wife stayed. The man laughed. She said,
I know your husband has left you. And then she goes, Well, he's a grown man. I'm having fun. He'll figure it out. You help. And all the women were like that. Go, girl, you do, you boo girl. You. Let me tell you something right now. If a woman stood up tonight
and said, Let's go, I assure you her husband would be like,
I think we're leaving. There's no way that that man stays. And if he did stay, every woman in here
would just stare at him. They would just, Hey, buddy,
your wife has left you. Yeah, well, she's a grown woman. She'll figure it out. I'm having fun. Well, look how quiet it got. And it's not even a really finding a real person. And you can always kind of say every one of you and be like, Oh, my God, what a piece of shit. You don't treat people like that. My wife said to me
one time, Treat me the same. We would be divorced. She doesn't put up with her color. She would never put up with her nose. The first day of my vacation,
she writes my truck. Now I got to find a Chevy shop. And I don't know where the Chevy shop is. I drive a Chevy. If I drove a Ford, I'm pretty sure
I would know where the shop was. Oh, I love that joke because all the Ford guys just cross their arms. What the hell, buddy? I drive a 4250. It's bad ass on the back. It says Super duty. You know who makes the super duty? My three month old. I mean, at. Least it's a Ford. I had a guy at a show go Dodge,
and the whole crowd was like, all I guess he's on a budget. Oh, yeah, she wrecks my truck
first day of our vacation. It gets worse. People. I wake up Tuesday morning, my wife comes up to me
and says, I have to. I have to go to New York
and I'm leaving tomorrow with my mom. I have to go for four days. I said, you're going to take a vacation
of your vacation. I said, Why do you have to go to New York? Well, my little sister in law got picked
for a TV show called Say Yes to the Dress. I don't know if you ladies
watch that show, but she is on the first episode
of this season. They took 50 couples, 50 different states,
and they got married in Central Park in New York City. I encourage you to watch the episode. My sister in law is married to a man
in the Navy who is an officer in the Navy. And that's why they're in Hawaii. Yeah. So look for the Navy couple. You'll see my wife, you'll see my mother
in law, you'll see my sister in law. They got a lot of TV time
because they cause the most drama. But I told my wife, I said, You are right,
you have to go. There's no way
you're going to miss your sister getting married
in Central Park on a TV show. And you have take your mom.
That's a great memory. I said the best part about it is the TV
show is going to pay. And she goes, No, you are. And I was like, Oh my God, yes. I was hoping that you would wreck my truck
and then I could reward you with an all expense
paid vacation to New York City. And you know what? It gets better. Take your mom. Take her. Yeah, she does. So much for you. Takes you. It gets worse. The very night that she wrecked my truck
that night, I couldn't be more pissed off. And any man in here that the wife has wrecked your truck,
you know the feeling you're pissed. I was pissed off that night. We're laying in bed
and my wife goes, I'm ovulating. You're going to wreck my truck. And now you want good dick right? What kind of savage wrecks a man's truck and then expects
to get good dick that night? No, I'm not going to give you that. Texas Twinkie like a I mean, I did it but I was mad. I at one point she started to like it. I pulled it out. I said, you will not enjoy this dick. I said,
I don't even want to see your face. Turn it around. And I had a picture of my truck
on my phone wrecks. My truck gets good big for days. All expense paid vacation in New York City
and it gets worse. See, my wife bought a house that. We're going to flip it. We're going to flip the house. Yes. That's the new job we're in. Oh, yeah. We're the only people that's
going to flip the house and lose money. That's me and my wife. Oh, yeah? Remember the guy that put together
our swing set, Philippe? Well, that's our general contractor. We like to leave because we don't need
permits with the city or anything. You know, Philippe,
we need a permit, and I am going to work a night out on C. I hammer real quiet, I hammer, I c quiet. Got on. So I told you I'm a hard worker
and my wife's in New York City. I might as well work on the house. Right, fellas? Yeah. I called up Philippe.
I said, Meet me at the house. Philippe, I need you to put in the wooden
fence. Okay? Now, the job I gave myself was a bad idea. I gave myself the job
of putting an insulation in the attic. Now, I live in New Braunfels, Texas,
and it was 4th of July weekend, and it was 104 degrees outside and. Oh, yeah,
and it was 3000 degrees in the attic. My last night was touching my right Achilles tendon and I always wonder
why old man wear socks up to here. Now I know that's
why you can tuck your ball into the sock. Man, I was sweating so bad
I had to take a break, you know? And when I took a break,
I looked over to see if Philippe was working on the fence
and he was. But what surprised me,
his wife was helping him. I'm gonna go ahead and say that again,
ladies. His wife was helping him. Now, she wasn't bringing him water. This woman had a pulse, told Digger,
and she is five foot three in a prom dress and flip flops like I said, Philippe, is that your wife? He goes, Hey,
the guys couldn't make it today. So I said,
Marguerite, that jingle, let's go today. You're that nice. Look at that moment,
my wife calls me from New York City Captain Evil herself. And I know not to answer the phone,
but I'm not allowed not to. And I answer the phone. That's what my wife said to me.
That's what she said to me. She goes, I'm in Central Park right now and it could not get any hotter. What did you just say to me, Marguerite? In a prom dress and flip flops, she's on a hole. Number eight hasn't taken a break. I said, Thank God
you're not on speakerphone, man. Because if Marguerite I heard you,
she jumped through the phone and fuck you. Oh, man, I worked my ass off. I probably worked 9 hours that day
and I said, You know what? I've been through a lot this week. I need to reward myself with a good meal. That's what men like, ladies. We like a good meal. Yeah. So I went to Chick-Fil-A. Oh, I like Chick fil A. That's the best drive thru in all. A drive thru history. Oh, my God. You know, you don't even have to
stop driving your truck. You just keep driving a little baby. Jonathan follows you at the time. It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. It's. I said, Jonathan,
I'm going to do the chicken sandwich. And he goes, the meal. I said, Jonathan, does it look like I don't do the meal? He said, small, medium or large? I said, Jonathan,
I'm going to need every waffle fry in that motherfucker. I said, I'm going to do the lemonade.
He said, Sugar free ice. I'm gonna fuck you up. Jonathan, my wife's in New York right now. I don't need a speaking wife through you. He said, My pleasure. I got my Chick-Fil-A. I went back to the house
and I was so happy to lock up, sit down on the porch and enjoy my meal. When I looked in the front yard, Margarita had rolled out
a blanket underneath the tree. There was a tiger on that blanket sleep. It was sitting on that blanket with
his back up against the tree like a king. Margarita had taken ice and set it on his ball sack. She had one of those camping stoves and
carnitas were being cooked right there. I could smell them. She was on her hands and knees
making tortilla, and there I was with my Chick-Fil-A
and no wife. I guess we all make decisions in life. That's not what you need to understand is that Marguerita
and Felipe came to our country because they want the American dream and
they don't even want it for themselves. They want it for their kids
and their grandkids. They do. I happen to be one of those grandkids and I live the American dream today. I do. And I want to make sure people understand
that the American dream is alive and well. And if you work your ass off in this country,
you too can have the American dream. Yeah. Oh, I have what Philippe wants? For his grandchildren. But at that moment, Philippe felt sorry for me. He saw me with my Chick-Fil-A, and he
went, Oh, he goes, Trevino, you work hard. I said, Thank you. Somebody noted. He goes, Do you like tacos? I said, I do like tacos, but I don't have a wife
that knows how to make a and then he goes Margherita moustakas. And she went faster. She had never seen anything like that
in my life. I crashed their homemade dinner and he asked her to make me food and she didn't punch him. They didn't have a meeting. Somebody crashes my dinner at my house. Oh, there's a meeting. And the meeting happens
in front of that person. They just don't see it. We're at the table and my wife's there. And I think of all the times
that my wife will look at me in the face and she'll say, Babe, we're teammates. I don't think we are. I think I work for you. But if you remember anything tonight,
remember this w w Andy, what would Margarita do next time you complain about your fucking bad ass
life? You remember? What would Margarita do? That's right, Manolo. I tell that story, man,
because we had an amazingly rough year. We did. But it taught us something. It taught us one thing that we need
to appreciate the little things. We need to realize that we live
in this great country of ours and we have to look at all
the things that we do have. And you have to ask yourself
how we have these things. We have these things because men and women
volunteer to defend it. And that's the U.S. military. Give them a big round. Of applause, please. I'd like to dedicate this show to the men
and women that wake up every day and go to work and try to be better today
than they were yesterday. That's the working man and woman I am. Steve Trevino, thank you. The night.
