The ONLY Time To Tell Kids That Santa Isn't Real. Kevin Bozeman - Full Special

now redo your list and keep it under $150 Matt before a buy sought us out Oh barely would assure you till your cubes the standard doesn't exist here's an answer when you can no longer afford their Christmas list it's not rocket science we have my son game is Christmas I was like yeah man he ain't real I'm sorry this furniture we can go halfsies daddy sign now come on ridiculous list my second kid came out with the worst list this is les he's like look dad I need a I need a smartphone some Air Jordans and an iPad I'm like whoa player standing up do iPads Santa does Legos and action figures to which you responded well I feel like I had a pretty good year so i'ma keep it on my list and then we just uncomfortably stared at each other [Laughter] [Music] and finally I was like well I'm Santa Claus I didn't want to tell you I was hoping that your friends would tell you and then I would avoid it but you get back into a financial corner which is $3,000 Christmas lists now redo your list and keep it under $150 wipe your tears it's like we are young crowd here's some good parenting advice it's the scariest thing you have to worry about as a parent you have a key to see your kid do something to let you know that they're probably going to be an awful adult just little things just little subtle things that you pick up as a parent and no one else sees you like this can't be good later so you just slowly start saving up a little slush fund for them go to the bank yeah could I get those an unmarked bills turn them in they've call like the FBI just want you know my son is the person of interest you might want to follow him for a while little things is my son did he's I hate that I get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly no for one you just ask for a peanut butter sandwich secondly why wouldn't you want jelly nothing goes better together than peanut butter and jelly it's a sign of a solid relationship and if you don't believe in solid relationships that means you're probably not gonna pick up your kids for the weekend she's supposed to happen [Applause] little things little things the kids got it too easy that's the problem too easy what I mean - not the word - but the number - too easy because I got that - parent love to parent love is overrated I'm sorry to say that it is I know it's great to have both parents but not when you trying to raise an athlete [Laughter] this my kids are pretty good in basketball but they never we're gonna game is they got a two pair of love they come home they got air conditioning heating cover full of food video games like watch you guys go outside and work on your game it's too hot out there dad it's comfortable in here meanwhile that single-parent kid who doesn't know who his father is hates his home life mother's always Yellin at me is always hungry so he's never at home the stand he's at the park working on his game six hours a day and he is going to destroy my kids this is why I grab my kids and told them this is why I'm leaving your mom they're crying were leavin us cuz you won't practice I don't know what else to do my hands are tied maybe you see me every other weekend and get your act together how they do all they do is want they want the moon's the Stars they want everything wrong won't one did you get it for him and then just let it ride they always think they think want stuff are like my kids came out three days a dad we we really need a pair it a $300 talking bird I can see why you we need that however I'm just not gonna give it to you you got to earn it so this is what you do you get all A's each quarter I give you $25 each for each quarter that's $200 and then if you do that I'll kick in the third hundred now I'm not gonna do that but I'm just trying to motivate them this is not an issue didn't get all A's but they try my son China gets in the car half crying I'm like what's wrong with you oh yeah I got two A's in three B's and now no I come get a parent and I was like Brock study harder it's tough love in the bossman house our baby no man flew in from Chicago that deal about planting it Chicago round-trip $192 yeah taxes surcharges $383 that's roofie walk there in the biggest scam ever they don't even try to hide it they show you how to rip me off that's infuriating cuz you can't call the complaint like hey we just want you to know before you fly we gonna rip you off we gonna show you how to do it so you don't have any stupid questions later they itemized it they charge you five dollars for September and 11 security feed spend almost twenty years since 9/11 that should cover the flight I buy a plane ticket and you know crash into a building they like know that calls five extra dollars I'll give you on the plane it gets hijacked you got the right to stand up and be like who didn't pay five dollars to a building he's keeping on fire I was you a monster and it was turbulence on top of that to go out with the turbulence didn't you let the flight attendants up everybody's flipping out not me I don't want to die it off but if I did I'd much rather die the plane crash did an automobile accident maybe dying all of your accident instantaneous you died in a plane crash you least got 20 minutes to try and title some loose ends let's crash and everybody screaming bloody murder are you trying to send that last text out to your boy coltan the same material do you activate my Facebook account [Applause] [Music] I don't no idea what cookies are I know the important to keep the secrets on computers don't add an Elvin dog just playing shaky I'm always traveling on the road like 40 weeks a year starting to fly more work stop getting funnier driving [ __ ] you ever drive so much as so long as you get so bored just want to crash into a tree not enough to hurt yourself but just enough where somebody had to come over and talk to you oh my are you all right Eli hey what's your name [Music] I'll be in the comic dog get to travel around the country and tell jokes that's a sweet gig and I work in hour a day and that's important I work more than an hour I get fired yeah no you are given fire before it's nothing you can do to expect you the synapse expect you to go off they've been brought in a security for me what they didn't realize is that I have been fired a lot and I'm very comfortable with the process this opposes you're a huge disappointment no I'm not you just gotta learn how to lower your expectations stop doing stupid things like relying on me and holding me accountable for my actions I can't work like that security was our 5 amigos awesome deuces d bannanas ha oh man if you was in the comic what would you be probably a criminal oh no I'm really smart as most you can tell by now I'll be they can catch me a to smart unity catch me a wind care cuz I'm bleeding their sanity cuz that's the way to go did we go man to plead insanity you gotta have a heck of a lawyer not me I represent myself cuz whoop raise more crazy than interrogating your own self on the witness stand be like now me oh I was I on a night of Sunday December 23rd well I was with you exactly how could I committed the crime and we were together the whole time so crazy yes what I do from Chicago actually moved to the suburbs of Chicago soon as I moved to the suburbs I bought a North Face coat and that white people know I was saving [Laughter] relax widens I'm trying to raise the family here's my badge [Applause] black purses [ __ ] invest in the North Face coat this is a game changer at least boy you over they let you go he's got a North Face coat put that gun away Johnson get home safely sir thanks officer here's a tip stick all of you I'm not supposed to get that joke put a couple of you I got it suburban life is great man's windows really white suburbs I love it thought I was it but I love it because I'm the only black person on my block which means I'm the most important person on my block cuz I single-handedly controlling the value of all the homes on my block don't you dare act like you don't get that joke love that power throw my name is face all the time see them in Starbucks or like you better buy my coffee or else I'm out of a cookout watch the value yo house dropped entries get to it chip you know what I like I live in a cul-de-sac - well that's Brian white people real estate right there on the sack that's your end game who knew - the black the ending in a semi-circle has less value you know Dakota sack was so like four years ago I grew up in the hood there's no code to Saxena you can't hide drive-bys and code the sacks unless you hate all three houses you roll over you like yo blast them fools man I not cut the wheel put it down reverse creep up a little bit booze man cut the wheel again put in everybody's creep up a little bit one more house stay focus it's a drive around are y'all comfortable be backs so no my best friends are white does that help [Applause] at dinner my wife first house a couple of days ago we had a venison yeah which is a deer meat because he hunts for all is meat all love it he's like Bozeman mate I don't get it why don't you hunt well for cover reasons for one there's a grocery store three blocks away and that's generally how I like my meat already hunted secondly Nike hasn't come out with a hunt suit yet [Applause] Nike that's black people now what we can do for Nike hunting super go no captain Bozeman out in the woods smell it like deer pee yeah soon as night you come out with a hunting shoot I'm rocking it through the hood like man what did you win I'm just gonna show them the swoosh I'll work ain't even know we did that yep life you just had a big meeting okay then everybody was there Jordan LeBron Obama it's a tough call let move the summers that's what you do you got a family you gotta make sacrifices I got two kids I love them cuz that's what my lawyer taught me to say oh you don't love your kids yeah I love them but not unconditionally that's bad parenting these are things they can do that's all I'm saying like for example let's just say on a Saturday night hypothetically I got drunk hypothetically and then the next morning I have to get up and take my kid early to his basketball game and then he has a bad game well I don't love him as much well Oh sailing what is wrong with you I'm nursing a hangover and you missing free throws I will leave it at this Park you better we're gonna find the Middle's I got a splitting headache and you traveling two boys I got my first born is born a week late we have the induced labor we need a five o'clock in the morning she am to one in next morning yeah still don't want to come out so they use a forceps which are head pliers granted by the head yank them out ended up with a fractured skull ICU for a week true story second kid came out six minutes flat rode out pretty sure he's aware the top hat it was amazing smack is on behind sit the nurse a little something for you well we have our paper yeah it's true everyone has a favorite kid it's generally not your first one your first kid is your practice kid that's the King you mess up there ah to be a good parent you over love it just comes out wrong I didn't even think I kind of take my olders like don't look at me man go to your room I missed you out I'll turn this down I'll see your Tuesday I miss it I miss them I've already nicknamed the Mulligan you mess up your second chair you're an awful parent stop producing it's not your thing these Burma can go come out right that's all bad parents laughs my kids got all C's this time for bumper sticker barber even asked me out of town well how old are your kids my kids are at age they take showers very long ones I don't condone it but it is what it is but one son takes everything the dark one dad mr. shower I had to confront them as I hey man I just want you to know I know what you up to why you in there no dad no dad no dad I'm just sitting there thinking well I know what you're thinking about and when you're done make sure you collect all your thoughts no one wants to be in the tub slipping all your ideas I know you don't want to laugh with that joke but you can't hack the camera I say this joke and I know this is against what you guys believe here but she doesn't go well he didn't really say it he just an ideal marriage oh I laugh Alton ideals [Laughter] all I'm saying is as I appreciate the way you can tell your age without staying your age you know what I'm saying I got telling you my kid take three showers a day you know he's around the age of thirteen and you'd be correct I stopped telling people your age just tell people the things you do they'll be able to figure it out people ask me all the time well how old are you I take vitamins that's how old I am lots of multivitamins I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago he took two fingers and stuck it up my butt that's how old I am I have two fingers at the butt years old two problems with that the first thing give that's the first time I met that doctor and they got right to it there's no get to know each other appointments at all the bigger problem is is the last doctor I saw that's what he did right before he retired and I think that's horrible I feel like if you do that to another man that should be your job even if you retire or not cuz I just want you to know about to retire but I'll be back next year just take my fingers of your bucks I know how creepy that is there's a laptop you got a great young review coming but not this doc he did that to me and the next week he retires so of course I'm thinking am i the reason why he retired maybe stick his fingers up my butt was like I can't do this anymore the temperatures all wrong so I curious I see this next doctor and I'm trying to talk him out of it he's like just relax I'll be fine so he tries to on pants down and right before he does them the deed I turn around I say I'm gonna see you again right and I shouldn't have said that [Laughter] and we just are comfortably sneered anytime I just want to know how old I am I love being in my 40s stage I mean it did bad about being in 40s is you got to be careful like sometimes you ever get out of the shower and see yourself in the mirror and it completely ruins your day the windows will steam that I'll never be able to lose the weight that I want to lose as long as McDonald's keep randomly coming out with the McRib I can't turn that down and I'm ashamed of it I've never loved a more indescribable piece of meat before in my life you ever see me grill is a creepy sandwich by one by one take the bun off of it see you later get creeped out comes out random times every six years let me crimp is back pretty sure there's someone and it backed me down his warehouse like me we just found eight more boxes mcribs was the expiration date in 1994 yeah [Applause] it's still good people trying to defend it it's boneless but the Maidan little uncle's got bones it's creepy the Makri was a human being to be a pedophile that's not creepy this just popping out of bushes bad at sex man this country wants to keep us fat and unmotivated so with these go down be too lazy to fight them can't fight some bodies you got the remote and cheese popcorn okay all right I'll let you take this land with those go turn the channel man the things we come up with national pizza day what national fried chicken day national donut day I lost it I saw national donut day I've been on social media it's national donut day or for fat people that simple go fry them well I love some friends that day they're all bad really fat one do you even get mad and private message me he's like a madman you owe me an apology for that joke I was like no I don't I don't apologize for my sense of humor he's like what what if I say the same thing about black people well that's a for example because if I eat less I'll still be black there's no white diet I can go on be sure there are things I can do I can enunciate my ths improve my credit score be quiet in a movie theater but that joke should have got a better response and I get that you guys don't have a lot of black friends so you don't know what I say was true a lot of you guys are going I don't I have no idea if that's true and that's on you because that joke was perfect I nailed that joke but your lack of diversity has cost you quality laughs and I got to go home and question your life eat right that's what they tell you you gotta eat right eat right don't like to eat right eating right is awful go to these specialty grocery stores you walk around with those smug people judging what you have in your basket you ever shop with those people they go up to you excuse me sir I'm just wondering why don't you have romaine lettuce when it's kale right there why we why when you get kale why would you get romaine lettuce why wouldn't you get kale because I don't like the taste of fresh bushes that's why [Laughter] Kjeld is awful calcite like the name of an old hippie child just I want you to meet my son Cael this is my daughter quinoa and over here's my sexually confused kid hummus cause the baby hummus daddy loves ya get it got a workout but last time I actually tried to work out it's that whole p90x craze I just sounded good to me oh I can undo 20 years of damage in 90 days huh number b9 yes but those don't remember p90x was a workout video and it brought you to the brink of death for 90 straight days I did it for two days first day I did it half of it second day I laid in a fetal position crying third day I just watched a video I didn't do it I just watched it like a crappy horror movie I was like yeah I know how this ends the black dude dies [Applause] dollars these are on our p90x they don't tell you that you need to be in shape to get in that kind of shape just a little warning for us hey before you do p90x you might want to take 8 weeks of military training you can't go Chinese buffet Chinese buffet p90x that's not how life works you got a power walk through the mall a song I get it man I'm not perfect there are things that I like to do that's why I like coming here I like I like the drink and I love that everyone here is sober love it love it love it all right hanging out with other drinkers that's like an awful game show hey you were about to make some questionable decisions and to make things more fun we're gonna surround you with more questionable decision makers sober people give you a different real perspective Trump people all they wanna do is give you advice and this bad advice that you can't understand but you know is bad advice because the word is supposed to be a good word then make it sound like it's a bad word sober I like the drink you want no my problem is alcohol I'll be honest with you people I'm too good of a drinker that's my problem cuz I don't black out and I don't think that's a good thing I feel like you're supposed to black out there are some things you're not supposed to remember when you black out that's your brain looking out for you that's your brain basically saying hey man I'm really uncomfortable what's happening right now you are making decisions I can no longer support so I'm gonna do as a favor and shut off a little bit and then when I wake up beyond deny happy met a good girl I'm lucky man my baby mama is great great you know I know she's a keeper she bought me a mini refrigerator for my bedroom that's an amazing gift that's a great gift a mini refrigerator I never left the bedroom it was too good at the gift she would get mad why don't you have a leader bedroom because this is no longer bedroom this is the studio apartment I'm a microwave away from reading this out for 1500 this is what I learned all men need a man cave that's what we need we need a place we can get away in our own house get drunk in silence while she's upstairs planning on murder you wouldn't think women are trying to kill you till you see what they watch on TV it's very disturbing obey what are you watching oh just snapped on oxygen [Music] they laugh like Oh comes from the 70s and addresses the Forensic Files marathon I'm going to kill you okay well just get drunk when you plot my device I pull for married people divorce rate is way too high way too high I think the problem is is wedding vows well Eve Isles was written in the year 1549 like I did research on marriage like now people get married for love but that's not how marriage used to be back in the day families used to get married entire towns do get married this used to be business deals they used to make themselves more powerful that way my family needs to be like hey I heard you make rice guess what we make beans [Applause] that was back then and I've always struggled relationships like that's what I'm so happy to be in a relationship like my body naturally rejected relationships that's why snore smart is just a subtle little way of saying I rather sleep alone [Laughter] I've never heard myself snore but I'm pretty sure it sounds like this here [Laughter] when bears our relationship gonggi know you keep somebody out your band is best to sound like an old black man it helps go later troubles coming kpop oh no use games things at the work in the morning don't you gotta walk though he'll bump wait he's come on write your wedding vows Levi was written in here 1549 and not once been updated I would say no to half of them I wrote my own vows I think that's important it may not be important for all of you look if you have me marry please enjoy these jokes if you're not listen up listen to the wedding vows they sound kind of corny when you not saying no to half of them for better or for worse yeah and no richer poor definitely handle sickness and health depends on what she got I mean Rachel oh ye mouth I don't care what it is if it's important to you write it do you promise to support my fantasy football team that one of my wedding vows [Applause] one is the porch and man's fantasy football team and watch her relationship storm this is boring the men the women don't do that I don't get it I don't get why you do fantasy football you don't have to get it just support us it's a lot of things you do I don't get but I still support like I don't get why you say you're not hungry but then when I order something you eat everything on my plate I don't get why you think the silent treatment actually punishes us [Laughter] [Music] I'm not doing myself in this relationship I'm be honest seriously my girl looks better to me she makes more money than me and she's a better parent clearly clearly a better parent but she sneaks around cuz she loves me right love has a way of balancing things out cuz love makes you do irrational things when we make you look at your man name that yeah babe I'm about to go to Utah and tell some jokes in front of Mormon [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] where you going okay don't say this joke don't say this you're gonna say this don't say that don't say that joke definitely stay away from pops in my deals don't say that I wish I was younger I had a smartphone a real smartphone not this crap that pulling out now is a smartphone yes this is not a smartphone this is just a phone that does things that you too lazy to do yourself a real smartphone would make judgments for you after you make a poor one I would love to have one in like just a smartphone just like no Kevin I will not let you call your ex-girlfriend at 2:00 a.m. whatever Siri I love I've already ordered you pizza that's a good call a series you use smartphone Siri and you're loved sir yeah no don't be ashamed mostly people here I love I can tell I can tell you got to put up with things when you're in love like laying the same side to bear the same person forever you can tell you ever see people that's not happening married this is like a gray cloud hovering over their head and the grandeur cloud gets eventually they just give up on life there's you know I just want to outlive them that's all along I don't believe in being completely honest and truthful no that's not good for relationships if I'm being honest and truthful I'll have to show up on date one and an open toe sandal to show up I'll Jack my feet on I'm never gonna do that my feet I be on Jack my feet on what they call game changers I treat my feet like I treat my farts you don't see him till six months into your relationship sadly some sort of commitment before you see these things I think I love you will let me show you something why are you showering with your socks on cuz I care for you girl you're not emotionally ready to deal with this you're afraid to love he had to be mean you gotta be crazy to love someone seriously to love another human being you got to be a sociopath there's nothing crazier than to love another human being you know believe me just listen to how people in love talk it sounds crazy I'll give you my heart my mind and my soul whoa slow down greedy you get one of the three I argue the love is born psychotic then the word psychotic I'll give you look on a crazy tribe you like insanity psychotic love like love make you slash tires and burn down people's houses exhibit [Applause] lover make you send 20 unanswered text messages you so crazy you respond to the last three to self never did some madness in the taxi like you're probably not responding cuz your battery died on your phone you're probably be in the work beating for like the last six days that's why I ever heard from you just anyway I'll be the bar down the street from your house let me know what's up love it make you sit in someone's bushes for four hours just to see him she kept walking past you how about I just want to make sure you safety just want to make sure you safe girl you know the only reason I'm not say cuz you're my bushes right but never cliff bar wrappers everywhere you psychopath well you know how I feel about real sugar or like bill agave that's are crazy but no I just like deal copy this our crazy love is love is the only thing in life where it's not enough to just show a person that you love them you're gonna say what I'm saying it's not enough to just show a person how you feel from day to day even if you do math you have to show your work but that's not good enough of love you always have to constantly tell that person that you love them have a good day love you will miss you so much love you if you don't say you love them you got real problems why don't you ever say you love me because we live together I just kind of thought that was implied I'm sitting here watching episodes of The Bachelorette eating gluten-free pasta you raise your lunatic how do you not know that I love you you think I did stuff like that when I was single really is that how you thought I live my life owes me which love to tonight oh man just chilling watching The Bachelor no no wrong king wall you know I get down on Saturday night if you cry you don't do that with anything else in life where you have to confirm what you're already doing nothing it can be the simplest stuff hey man you want to go play some football yeah I'll go play some football just as long at some point when we play in football you stop and tell me that we playing football a little weird but sure and and I was a great catch thanks you know what I was a great catch cuz we playin football you know much too mean to me that you just said that right there I mean I knew he's doing something that was people clearly trying to tackle me but until you said we just playing football I wasn't really sure we playing football but now I know we playing football you better believe I'll be playing football with you every day I'm always be open for your passes then I'll hold it no more pass and apheresis sometimes just don't call your phone and be like hike hike and hang up you have to be really fun thanks for coming out tonight [Applause]

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 2,021,785

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Kevin Bozeman, Kevin Bozeman Dry Bar Comedy, Kevin Bozeman Comedy, Kevin Bozeman Comedian, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, clean stand up comedy, clean stand up comedy 2019, clean stand up comedy full show, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, dbc, Stand Up, Financial risk, christmas list, christmas, spoiled kids, doughnuts, shower thoughts

Id: aOjM9JBQH78

Length: 43min 8sec (2588 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 19 2019