Let's talk about me
for a moment. We'll start with some basics, I live across the street
from a 7-Eleven, all right. (audience laughs) It's not funny yet but
okay, cool. (audience laughs) I drink a lot of Mountain Dew, okay. It's like my only vice. I drink a lot of Mountain Dew. I'm in that 7-Eleven
constantly drinking Mountain Dew, okay? Getting refills. I'm in there so often that everyone who works in that 7-Eleven,
they have a nickname for me. When they see me,
they call me Mountain Dew Guy. Yeah. Do you guys know
how much Mountain Dew I have to drink not to have
the nickname Throat Tattoo Guy? (audience laughs) It is a lot. (audience laughs) It's so much Mountain Dew, you guys. It's a lot, it's a... For me to walk into 7-Eleven
and the guy to be like, "Mountain Dew Guy," and
the new guy who works there to be like,
"not Throat or Face Tattoo Guy?" (audience laughs) "He drinks more Mountain Dew
than the fact that he ruined his life "by tattooing his face?" The guy's like, "Yeah, what aren't you getting about this,
you know?" Yeah, I also know
it was a bad idea to tattoo my face, just so we're all
on the same page, okay? (audience laughs) Yeah, yeah. When I tattooed my face,
well I didn't. When I got my face tattooed, when I got my face tattooed,
I was like, "There will be positives and there will be negatives,"
you know? I wanna be honest with you guys. It has been mostly negatives so far, okay? (audience laughs) I can't even think of one positive. I'm gonna be real with you guys. So I'm here
to make you laugh tonight but I'm also here to say, if some of you are thinking
about tattooing your face, probably don't, okay? (audience laughs) I saw some of you come in and I don't think you could handle it,
all right. It's not... (audience laughs) Could not hack it. It's rough out here. (audience laughs) All my tattoos are real. I shouldn't have to say that but sometimes after shows
I meet people and they're like, "Wow, crazy man, "you look crazy,
are those all real?" And I have to be like, "What are you talking about right now?
Of course they're real. "What do you think,
I drew all these on today? (audience laughs) "I just wake up every day and
draw these on?" Like, what would I stand to gain from drawing fake tattoos
on my throat and face? I just wake up every morning and I'm drawing them on like,
"You know what? "I just want old people
to be afraid of me." (audience laughs) That's what I'm about,
you know? I just wake up every day and
draw tattoos on my fingers like, "I just want to struggle
in job interviews, you know?" (audience laughs) One time after a show,
a lady comes up to me and she's like, "Don't be so hard on yourself." And I'm like,
"Thank you so much, "will you give me a job?" And she was like,
"It's nice meeting you." (audience laughs) "Come back! "I need work. (audience laughs) I travel a lot for this job. This is my only job,
which is probably not good, but you know what? I travel a lot and
people in other places, they're like pretty cool. Not very many people
care about my tattoos. I live here in Utah,
I gotta say, some of you are not on board, okay? (audience laughs) I have a lot of weird experiences here that don't happen anywhere else. I'll give you an example. Once I got done with a show,
I'm here in Utah, I get done with a show and an older gentleman
comes up to me afterwards, so old, so, so old, you guys. Have you ever seen someone so old that if they were getting
in the driver's side of a car you'd be like, "Uh, is anybody else
seeing this right now, you know? "Do I have to stop,
am I the one, you know? (audience laughs) "How close are we
to a farmers' market? (audience laughs) "What is the danger level here?"
And he's so old, and he comes right up to me and
he goes, "Hey man, I love your comedy, "good job,
staying off the streets." (audience laughs) I don't even know what that means, okay. "Off the what,
where did you learn how to talk like that? "What are you, the coolest guy
at your retirement home? "You know?" He's just like,
"I'm the Tupac of my friend group," like what? (audience laughs) Just assumes I'm gangster
'cause I have lots of tattoos. I am not gangster,
that's not how it works at all, okay? I'm the least gangster person ever. I cry at the end of Toy Story 3
like everybody else, okay? (man cheers) That guy cried so hard, all right? Me and him,
a lot of crying, okay. Yeah man, just not gangster, just makes no sense. I got done,
here's another thing. I'm at a grocery store,
I get in line behind this lady, just a regular lady,
nothing going on. She doesn't notice me
get in line behind her, she's standing there. She turns around,
she sees me and she makes this noise,
she goes (gasps loudly), and then she left. (audience laughs) She just left,
with all her stuff. (audience laughs) Like yeah, uh,
pretty sure she's stealing right now, is anybody? (audience laughs) Is anybody else watching her,
you know? They were not. Yeah, so pretty sure she got away with like a lot of free stuff. (audience laughs) Oh, man. (laughs) I don't know. You guys would be
surprised to know, though, despite all the weird interactions
I have with people who like, are weird about my tattoos or don't know what it's like
to have tattoos, the weirdest interactions,
my least favorite interactions are always with other people
who are heavily tattooed. Not a fan of other heavily tattooed people, okay? Yeah, I'm calling it,
it's not good. I know everything I need to know
about another guy with a lot of tattoos,
you know? Your parents hit you,
school was hard, you like to bring a snake
to the park, you know? (audience laughs) I get it, you know? I don't wanna have
these weird conversations with guys, it's terrible. I'll give you an example, okay. I'm at Walmart,
I'm standing in line, everything's going fine. I'm in line a lot in my jokes,
so just keep going with that but I'm in line,
I'm standing there, I look over and
I see this guy wearing a tank top, and he's bald head,
completely covered in black and gray tattoos. His entire head is like
covered in flames, he's got skulls and stuff. Obviously, he got all these tattoos
in prison, okay. I feel some of you being awkward. He's not here,
we're safe, all right? (audience laughs) Also, I'm allowed
to make the judgment call, all right? (audience laughs) So I see him, he sees me and
we make eye contact and it's locked in for a second and immediately I'm like,
"Oh no, "this guy's gonna try
to talk to me, you know?" (audience laughs) Have you ever just seen someone
in public who's gonna talk to you, and they're just so white trash you don't have the energy
to deal with them? (audience laughs) (exhales loudly)
So many crazy people. So this guy,
he comes up to me, all right, This dude in Walmart covered
in his tattoos. He comes up to me,
his opening line to me, the first thing he says,
he goes, "Hey man,
where'd you do your time?" (audience laughs) "What?" I've done zero time, everyone. I've never been to jail
a day in my life, okay? This guy's,
but he's like, he's just making an assumption about me,
he's trying to connect with me. And I was like, you know,
I'm gonna connect with him. I'll meet him halfway. I'll just mess with him a little. So I was like,
"You know how it is, man. "Did five years in Azkaban,
no big deal. (audience laughs) "Yeah, yup." (audience laughs) He wanted to impress me so bad,
he was like, "Word, all right,
cool, cool." (audience laughs) "All that time in prison and "you didn't read one Harry Potter book?" (audience laughs) Seems kinda like a waste,
you know? I don't know what he's up to now but I'm pretty sure it's not reading, so. (audience laughs) It's not, not good. Oh man,
I'm super glad you guys laughed at that. (audience laughs) Super glad. I have told that joke before and
gotten zero. I did a show in Wyoming once,
by the way, Wyoming, a dumpster fire pretending
to be a state, don't know if you guys-- (audience laughs) knew that. (audience laughs) It is one big Walmart parking lot. It is not good. (audience laughs) There's nothing there. Why are you there? Anyway, doesn't matter. (audience laughs) I'm in Wyoming,
I'm in this tiny town doing a show to
like this many people. It's a pretty big audience, all right. And I say that line,
I say Azkaban, complete silence, all right. I'm just like,
"Oh, okay, so y'all don't read, "that makes so much sense,
you know?" (audience laughs) It's rough. And then,
out of nowhere, a lady in the front row
yells so loud. She goes,
"Why'd you go there?" (audience laughs) "What, what are you saying? (audience laughs) "How, how? "The first part of that joke
I say I've never been "to jail a day in my life. "It's not even a real place,
prison for wizards. "Why are we-- "Why are we having this conversation?" (audience laughs) And then she goes,
"It is a real place, "that's that place in San Francisco." (audience laughs) "No, no, that is not correct, okay? (audience laughs) "You are thinking of Alcatraz, okay? "Which has been closed
for like 50 years. "So you're not even right
if you were right, "I don't, you know?" And then the audience is like,
on her side for no, it's just so weird. It's the weirdest experience, and then she says, "Agree to disagree." (audience laughs) Like that's not how anything works,
what? (audience laughs) "Why is this happening
to me right now?" And one guy in the audience was like,
"She got you though." And I was like,
"She didn't though, she did not. "No one got anyone. "She is so wrong, you know?" I wanted to be so mean
to that audience, but I was like,
they live in Wyoming, so, you know. (audience laughs) The punishment fits the crime, really. (audience laughs) So bad, so awful. So yeah, don't go there,
I don't know, it's not good. I shouldn't,
I talk bad on Wyoming like I have my life together. I do not, as my life
is a complete disaster. I sneezed on a baby recently. Yeah, that's a thing I did. I was holding a baby and
I had to sneeze and I just hard sneezed into its face. So hard, you know? And my friend is standing there
and he's like, "Hey man, real quick, "did you just sneeze
in my son's face?" (audience laughs) And I was like,
"Yeah, yeah I did that, yup." And he was like,
"Why?" And I was like,
"Well, I have the baby" "and I was like,
I gotta sneeze, "so I was like, "I could drop the baby or "I could sneeze
on this baby right now. "You know, those are my two options." And he was like,
"Why, you could turn your head and "sneeze the other way." And I was like, "That third option was not apparent
at the time, you know? (audience laughs) "It just didn't occur
to me in the moment." (audience laughs) He's like,
"You need help." I was like,
"I do, though, you know. "At least I'm not from Wyoming,
I have that going for me." Oof. (laughs) Ugh, I get it from my mom,
she's a crazy person. Is anyone else relate to that? She's a wild woman, all right. Those people get it, and so, my mom,
here's a thing that happened recently. I laughed at my mom
so hard in public that she started yelling at me. You know,
here's the back story. Have you ever, by the way,
laughing so hard, like falling down in the aisle
at the grocery store and I laughed,
here's what happened. She told me her dog had diabetes, okay, and I started laughing so hard. No, it's so fat,
of course it does, you know? It's so big and
she was like, "It's not funny.
How could I have known he has diabetes?" And I'm like,
"Probably 'cause he looks like "a propane tank with legs,
that's how." You know? There were so many clues. He's huge, of course he's diabetic. And then also
you feed him people food all the time. I caught her feeding him Doritos Locos Tacos
from Taco Bell once. (audience laughs) It's like,
"Why are you feeding him "the more expensive tacos,
you know?" (audience laughs) It's true, she goes,
"He prefers them." It's like, what? "Did he tell you that?" What is happening here? Also, he's a chihuahua,
we get it, you know? It's ridiculous. My mom... So we're a Jewish family. She names the dog Mazel Tov, okay. She's telling me about
him getting diagnosed. She takes him to the vet, she's got one of these
crazy vets who like, talks to their animals like
they're patients, you know? So he's like, sitting there
with my mom and the dog. He looks the dog right in his stupid, fat,
diabetic face, okay? No one feel bad for him,
he's not here. We can make fun of him. Also, he's a dog,
he has no idea what's happening at all times, okay? (audience laughs) So she looks,
or the vet looks right at him and goes,
"Mazel Tov, you have diabetes." (audience laughs) It's like, that is incorrect. That seems anti-Semitic. I know it's not, but
it felt like it, (audience laughs) when she told the story. (audience laughs) She's out of control. She bought a computer recently. She wouldn't let me
help her set it up and then like an hour after she bought it, she calls me and
she's like, "Hey, I'm locked out of my computer,
I can't get in. "Can you get into my computer for me?" I'm like,
"I can't get into your computer. "What do you mean,
you're having trouble? And she's like,
"Yeah, I don't remember my password." I was like,
"You're gonna have to remember it. "I don't know how to get
into your computer for you." So she gets mad,
she hangs up on me. She calls me back
like half an hour later. She's like,
"Didn't need your help, "got back into my computer,
I'm like a hacker." (audience laughs) "No, no, Mom, you're the
opposite of a hacker, okay? (audience laughs) You forgot Caps Lock was on. "That is not what a hacker is,
you know?" (audience laughs) I'm a hacker, no,
false. (audience laughs) So bad, I don't know. (audience laughs) I have no right
to talk bad about my mom, though. Beyond sneezing on a baby, I'm like really bad at everything. I don't even know how debt works. I recently found that out when my dentist sent me
to collections. Yeah, my dentist sent me
to collections. The collection agency calls my phone. I answer,
'cause I don't know who it is, and they're like,
"Hey, we're trying to collect a debt, "give us the money." And I was like,
"Uh, no, you know? "No, I'm just not going to." And he was like, "What?" And I was like,
"What are the consequences "if I don't give you money? And he was like,
"We're gonna make your credit bad." And I was like,
"Not possible. (audience laughs) "Yeah, my credit's already really bad. "My credit score is so bad, "it also has face tattoos,
do you guys? (audience laughs) "It's so bad, ugh." I've been denied
for a Best Buy card. Do you know what that, I've seen a bird accidentally
fly into Best Buy and leave with a card,
it's so easy to get one. When I got denied,
the guy in the Best Buy was like, "I'm so sorry,
this has never happened before." Like he was embarrassed for me,
you know? It was so bad,
it was so bad. And so I like,
tried to get a cell phone once and they were like,
"It's a $1000 deposit and "then we'll let you buy a phone." I was like,
"I will leave here "with two tin cans and string, okay?" That's so much money,
I don't have that money. My credit's really bad. It's like,
so I'm not worried about it. So I'm like,
"Well do you have another thing?" Telling the debt collector like, "Listen I'm not worried,
do you have another thing?" And he's like,
"We don't have another thing." And I was like, "Well I'm gonna go ahead and
not pay you then. "I'm gonna choose that option." And he was like,
"This has never happened before." (audience laughs) It's like,
"Well, you know, "there's a first time for everything,
so I'm gonna go ahead and "hang up now."
And he's like, "Have a good day, I guess?" (audience laughs) We were all very confused, it was a lot of first times
for everyone, you know? So we both hang up the phone. I call my dentist,
I'm like, "Hey, why'd you send me
to collections?" And the front desk lady answers it,
by the way. And she's like,
100 years old and her name is Gertrude,
because of course, you know? (audience laughs) Everyone 100 years or older
has a name like Gertrude. And I'm like,
"Why are you even working there, "you've been out of
the teeth game forever, you know?" She's so rude,
no one feel bad for Gertrude, okay? (audience laughs) She's so rude. And I'm like,
"Why'd you send me to collections? "Why didn't you just call me
and ask me to pay the bill?" And she's like,
"I sent you letters." I was like,
"Yeah, and I threw them away "like an adult, you know? (audience laughs) "I'm not reading your letters, Gertrude. "I'm not your sweetheart
from World War II, okay? "No one reads letters in 2017. "Text me, anything else,
you know?" (audience laughs) So she's like, "I don't know what to tell you,
you're already at collections." And I was like,
"All right, "well I guess I have to
find a new dentist, that's weird so.." You know, that happened,
so turns out, by the way, collection agencies call me all the time and I'm just like,
'"Listen, do you have another thing?" And they're like,
"This is our only thing." And then I'm like,
"Well, I'm going," and I hang up, you know?
It's a repeating process. Well, it turns out, collection agencies do have another thing. They have one more thing. They can send someone
to serve you papers to take you to small claims court
to get that money, okay? But here's the thing about
serving someone papers. To serve them papers
to bring you to court, they have to get you
to admit you are who you are, okay? (audience laughs) So it's like
three in the afternoon one day, and I hear a knock at my door, and I answer the door and
it's this guy standing there with a clipboard,
and he's like, "Hey, are you Shayne Smith?" And I was like,
"No, never. "What, what's going on?" And he's like,
"Uh, does Shayne Smith live here?" And I was like,
"I don't know, pretty big place, "never seen anyone by
that name here, you know?" He was like,
"Looks like a very small apartment, actually." It's like, "You're splitting hairs right now,
guy, you know? "What are you trying
to insult me? "What's going on?" And that's when I realized,
he's standing there with a clipboard and
on that clipboard is my Facebook profile
printed out on it. So he's seeing me see him
looking down at me with my stupid tattooed
face in the clipboard, (audience laughs) looking right back up at him,
seeing me see him. I think I said that right and it's so awkward and
he's like, "Okay, well if you're not Shayne Smith, "who are you?" And it's like three p.m,
I had just woken up. I'm not ready
to be someone else, you know? I just said the first name
that came to mind. I was like,
"Uh, Bruce Wayne? "I'm Bruce Wayne." (audience laughs) He was not impressed,
you know? In hindsight,
I could've thought of a better name. So he's standing there
looking very defeated and that's when I realize,
I am wearing Batman pajamas. (audience laughs) Yeah, not good. And I was like... So I was like,
"Uh, is this your only thing?" And he was like,
"Yeah man, this is my only thing." And I was like,
"So I'm gonna go now." And he was like,
"Have a good day, I guess?" It's like, all right. So I'm pretty sure that's gonna
work itself out, you know? There are no consequences. I don't know if you guys knew that. There are no consequences to debt. Like what are they gonna do,
send me to Alcatraz? Can't. It's been closed, thank you. (audience applauds) It's been closed for like,
50 years, yes. (audience laughs) Oh, man. Not good with people. Saw a lady recently crying
in the middle of the aisle at Target. Just in the middle, ugly crying,
hard crying, okay? And I was like,
"Oh no, I should do something." So I'm in Target,
I get myself ready. She's crying so hard. I go right up to her and
I'm like, "Excuse me, ma'am? "I think you mean to be
in Walmart right now?" (audience laughs) Nailed that interaction, yeah. (audience laughs) How 'bout don't cry
in Target, Karen, okay? I'm not paying an extra 15 cents for macaroni and cheese
to see you cry. (audience laughs) Target is for champions, okay? (audience laughs) Ridiculous. (audience laughs) Ugh, so bad,
so, so bad. My friends are so dumb. I know a lot of dumb people. There's a lot of dumb people
who live in my neighborhood. This is the thing that
happened to me recently. I'm walking around, I see all these people gather
around a tree. They're all like around this tree. I'm like,
"What is this?" And I walk up and
they're all standing there and I see one guy and
he goes, "Hey man, there's a cat stuck up
in the top of this tree. "Look at you with all your tattoos, "you're not afraid of anything. "Why don't you climb up and
get it down?" (audience laughs) "Uh, that's not how tattoos work,
guy, okay?" (audience laughs) Yeah, yeah. You don't tattoo the fear out of people. (audience laughs) That's not a thing,
that's never been a thing. No one's like,
getting a tattoo and the tattoo artist is like,
"How does it feel?" And the guy's like,
"Oh, it hurts real bad, "but I don't care about
sharks anymore, you know?" (audience laughs) Silly. Cat's probably still up there,
I don't know, you know? It's ridiculous. I'm afraid of tons of stuff. So many things, you know? Spiders, very top of the list of things I'm afraid of, right? Can I get some backup?
Spiders are scary. (audience cheers)
Thank you. My idiot friends,
they're like, "Hey man,
why are you afraid of spiders? "You're 90% more likely
to be killed by a vending machine "than a spider." Like, "What are you
talking about right now? "I'm not afraid of spiders 'cause "I think they're gonna kill me. "They're creepy,
I don't want them on me "or near me, you know? "You're so dumb." You know what,
I'll be worried about vending machines the way I'm worried about spiders
when vending machines start using spiders' tactics, okay? When I open my shower curtain
to take a shower and there's a vending machine inside waiting to tip over
on top of me, I'll start worrying about it, all right. When I'm like playing video games and I have to tell my friend
to look out 'cause a vending machine
is descending above him on a web, you know? Then we'll start worrying. You imagine it crushes him,
the paramedics come and they're like,
"We're sorry we couldn't save him. "We're so, so sorry for your loss,
Doritos?" Like, "No, man." (audience laughs) So dumb,
90% more likely, like what? No one ever,
that doesn't make sense, how are you drawing that parallel? No one ever got killed
by a spider 'cause they bought a Butterfinger from it and it wouldn't give it up, you know? That's never happened. How 'bout this statistic? 100% of people killed
by vending machines are morons. How 'bout that, you know? (audience laughs) I've been telling that joke
for a while and I'm always afraid
I'm gonna tell that joke one time and there's gonna be one person
in the audience who's like, "My husband was crushed
by a vending machine." And I'm gonna be like,
"Oh no, "but it was pretty funny though, right?" (audience laughs) Spiders, so scary, eight-legged nightmare factories,
you know? It's not good. The only thing worse than a spider, people who have spiders as pets. What is happening there,
you maniacs, you know? I hate it so much. And they always say dumb stuff, too. "Spiders are more afraid of you
than you are of them." False, not real, nope. No spider is more afraid of me
than I am of it, okay? No spider has ever caught me
in bed and been like, "Well, I am sleeping in
the living room tonight." (audience laughs) That's never happened. (audience laughs) No spider has ever seriously considered burning its apartment down
'cause it found me, you know? (audience laughs) That's never happened. No spider has ever been peeing in the middle of the night
and then I ran past it, and it peed all over itself, okay? (audience laughs) That joke is so much more real
than I want it to be. (audience laughs) Oh, man. (audience laughs) This is my job now. This is my job but
I used to have a day job. I used to have a day job working with disabled kids,
that's true, and here's a real thing. You've never been insulted until a kid with autism insults you,
yeah. Yeah. I'll give you an example. Working with this kid,
this 11 year old kid, he's autistic. One of my favorite clients
I ever worked with loved this guy, okay? He's like,
"Hey, I wanna go to the mall, "I wanna go to the LEGO Store,
will you take me?" I was like,
"Yeah man, I'll take you." So I'm driving him
to the LEGO Store, okay. I'm having a terrible day. He could totally tell,
it's written all over my face, okay? It's the only thing that's not and... (audience laughs) So I'm having this terrible day, and he can tell and
he wants to cheer me up. So this little kid,
he looks over at me, puts his hand on my shoulder
and he goes, "Shayne, you're the coolest person I know." And then he looks out the window
and he goes, (sighs) "I gotta meet more people." (audience laughs) Yeah, yeah, yeah. (audience laughs) And to this day,
I don't know if he was being mean or if that was the autism,
what was that? What? So I left him at the LEGO Store, you know,
he's their problem now. (audience laughs) All right you guys,
I'm gonna tell you one more story and then we're gonna get out of here,
cool? Good,
you guys have been great, thank you so much
for coming out, this is good. (audience applauds) All right, last story,
last story coming down the pipe. Now this one's gonna get a little weird, I need you all to stay on board, the payoff is worth it, okay? I promise you. It's gonna get real weird,
stay with me, okay? Now here's the deal. I, before I worked with kids,
I was a professional criminal. I was a gang member
for about four years. That's true and
I know some of you are like, "What? Earlier in the act,
you said you weren't a gangster." Well yeah,
that's the first rule of the streets, trust nobody, okay? Yeah, that's true,
I was a gang member. And when I tell people that,
a lot of the time they're like, "Whoa, were you a Crip
or were you a Blood?" And I'm like,
"That's not how it works. You don't just go out
for the big gangs like it's a college or something,
you know? No one's like,
"I wanna be Blood "but the Latin Kings are
my safety gang, you know? (audience laughs) You don't try to be in a gang,
it just happens to you. Usually you're in denial. People are like,
"I think you're a criminal." And you're like,
"There's no way I'm a criminal, "I work at Hot Topic, okay? "There's no way,
there's no way, you know?" Tupac was never like,
(imitates gunfire) "Oh no,
I'm late for my shift at the mall," and then left, you know? That's not how it works but eventually it sneaks up on you and
you're kidnapping someone for money and you're telling your friend like, "How cool is it we're making money
to do this? "Oh that's right, I'm a criminal now.
Okay, cool, you know?" It gets serious fast. Also, you guys, no one be awkward,
it's not what you think. It was just mostly like, violent crimes and robberies
and stuff, okay? (audience laughs) So... During this time
when I was a criminal, all right, I had a best friend. Now his name was Angry Anton, not a clever nickname, all right, just an angry guy, you know? Sometimes you meet people
and their like nickname is Little John but
they're seven feet tall and you're like,
"Oh, that's cute." It was not that, okay? It was just lazy nicknaming. He was just angry all the time. He was very scary,
he was bigger than me, he was way more
heavily tattooed than me, and I know a lot of you are like, how is it even possible to be more heavily tattooed than you? His entire face was completely covered, 100%. So he was basically like
if you got a second grader and you pulled them to the side
and you're like, "Draw me what you think
a murderer looks like." And then they drew him and
you'd be like, "That is way correct. "That's so correct,
that's so scary. "Where are your parents? "
You know? He's so scary. Just a few stories to like,
reiterate how scary he is. Once we were at a restaurant and
we were in the bathroom and in this particular restaurant
they had like an area where all their toiletries were, where you could just
get to them and we were stealing them, okay. 'Cause you know,
we wanted toiletries. We're not gonna pay for them, so we have a backpack
and we're stuffing like, toilet paper and soap and
all this stuff, we're stealing. A uniformed police officer
walks into the bathroom while we're stealing, sees us,
Anton stands up, says, "What's up"
to the police officer and the police officer said,
"Excuse me," closed the door and
left the restaurant. (audience laughs) Yeah, yeah. Anyways, eventually I was like,
"I gotta get out." And so when you get out,
the government helps you usually. You have to cut ties with your friends, your family, everybody who has any tie
to that lifestyle, okay, and move on and
usually the government will give you a job to help you move on before, so that you don't end up in prison. Sometimes the government lets you work with disabled kids, all right? Yeah, I know,
they should change that. So anyway. (audience laughs) It worked out for me but I feel like maybe not so much
for other people. (audience laughs) I have this new job,
I have this new life. Now, Anton was a bad person. Objectively, yes,
I agree with all of you, he was a bad person. But also,
he was always good to me. He was a loyal friend,
I'd known him forever. I couldn't get rid of him,
I kept him around in my life just a little bit. Just talking to him through emails,
being his friend, okay? Trying to be there for him. So I'm moving on with this new life, it's like a year later and
I'm working at this facility for disabled kids, okay? Now, working at this facility, I worked with a lot of Christian people. I worked with a lot of
LDS people, Mormon people and they're all like really jazzed up
to work with me. All these upright good people and
then me, you know? And they're just like,
"Oh man, isn't Shayne cool?" Knowing about my past, like,
"He says the S word sometimes. (audience laughs) "Crazy, you know?" So they're way jazzed up
to work with me and it's going pretty well. Now, at work
there's this guy named Mike, okay? Now, Mike had a weekend job working
at a summer camp, okay? And one day Mike comes
up to me and he's like, "Hey, I work at this camp, all right, "and we just barely got
this group of new kids, "this new program we're doing. "Now, these are kids that are going down "the same path you went down
when you were a kid, okay? "They're making all the same mistakes and "they're going down the same path. "Would you like to come
give them a talk? "Maybe try and set 'em straight? "Make 'em work out,
do like some bootcamp stuff and "just try and like,
teach them the right ways "to do things?" And I'm like, "Yeah man,
anything to keep kids "from going down the same road
I went down, you know? "Anything to stop kids
from doing the gang life." And he's like, "All right,
and if there's anyone you want "to bring with you to help,
let me know," and I was like,
"I know just the guy, okay?" Yeah, yeah. So it's the weekend and
we show up to work with these kids, and he's like,
"Hey, the counselor who normally works "with these kids isn't here, "but the kids are in this barn." So he brings me and Anton
to this barn, okay, yeah. All these kids are there,
and they do not look happy. And he's like,
"These are the kids. "I'm gonna go down the way and like, "play guitar or do whatever,
do crafts," I don't know what he did, you know? And he's like,
"I'm gonna do this, "now you guys are gonna talk
to these kids, "make 'em work out,
set 'em straight." And we were like,
"Oh, we got this." So he leaves and immediately, we start laying into these kids, okay? We are saying a lot of things
to these kids. We're yelling at them. One of them looks Anton
in the face and he's like, "if you make eye contact with me again, "I will pluck yours out and
eat them." Yeah, I was like,
" Whoa, you leave yourself nowhere "to go from there, you know?" (audience laughs) You can't just open up with,
I'll eat your eyes. That's too much,
you have nowhere else to go, you know? So we're just yelling at these kids. We're screaming,
we're making 'em work out, they're doing push-ups,
they are not pumped. It's like 2004,
so we find the kid with like the puka shell necklace,
he's the leader. (audience laughs) We're really giving it to him,
you know? And so eventually one
of these kids stands up and he's like,
"I'm not doing another push-up." And we're like,
"Uh, you are going to do one." And Anton gets right in his face
and he says, "Do push-ups or consequences." And the kid says,
"My parents will sue you." So a couple minutes later,
he's choking this kid, right? So hard. (audience laughs) And so all the other kids
are freaking out now. And they're just like,
"Shayne, do something!" And I'm like,
"What, so I can get choked, too? "No way, you know? "He's done this to himself." (audience laughs) So now everyone's doing push-ups. They're doing so many push-ups, okay? They're so scared and
now people are crying. So much, there's crying a lot,
way too much and I'm just like, these gangster kids are like,
all of them are crying. So much snot and
I'm just like, "We can see you crying,
get it together, you know? "You're embarrassing." And that's when I'm like,
what is with all these kids crying and like,
parents sue you? Bad kids don't have parents,
and then I'm like.. So I'm like,
I gotta figure something out. So I'm like,
"Anton, are you gonna be okay alone "with these kids?" And he's like,
"I got it." (audience laughs) "Cool." So I go down the way
to talk to Mike. I'm like,
"Hey Mike, what's going on? "Uh, nothing weird going on back there. (audience laughs) "You want to tell me some more
about these kids, "how they're going down the wrong path, "the same path I went down?" And he's like,
"Yeah man, these are just kids "that are like,
not listening to their parents. "Some of them fell asleep
in church, you know? (audience laughs) "Sluffing class." I'm like,
"Oh, okay, uh, cool. (audience laughs) "I'm gonna go now, yeah." Not gang members,
just moderately bad Mormons, okay? (audience laughs) These kids are not,
they're not ready for the heat we are bringing, okay? I thought they were like,
hardened killers. They're so soft,
these are just soft, white kids. I'm so worried and
then I have left them alone with Anton. Grown men shouldn't be alone with him. I'm running back to the barn, okay. I practically kick open the door. Inside the barn,
everyone is shirtless for no reason, okay? (audience laughs) All the kids have formed a circle and
in that circle, two kids are fighting
to the death, Thunderdome-style, hard crying. Anton is just egging 'em on, and I'm like,
"Dude, shut it down. "What is happening?" All the kids in the corner. And he's like,
"What's going on?" And I'm like,
"Get these kids over here." And he's like,
"Talk to me, what's going on, man?" And I was like,
"Dude, we're in so much trouble. "Dude, we're going to jail for sure." (audience laughs) He's like,
"What's going on?" I'm like,
"They're not gangsters. "They're just like,
falling asleep in church." And he's like,
"I've never even been to church." I was like,
"I know, okay? "We've said so many things,
you choked a kid. "Pretty sure that happened, okay. "I think I told another kid
I'd kill his dog? "We've said so many things. "We're going to prison, you know? "We're going to prison for sure." And he's like,
"Dude, I got this. "Don't worry about it,
I got this." And I'm like,
"Okay." So he lines all the kids up
and he's like, "Hey everyone,
you're reformed. And they're like,
"Yes, we are reformed! (audience laughs) "Please make it stop." And he's like,
"You're good, "you're good,
you're all reformed." And he goes,
here's the deal. "If any of you tell anyone
about this ever, "we will kill all of you." (audience laughs) Yep. (audience laughs) They're so scared. And so we're standing there, and we're like,
"Okay, it's over." So we left,
we left that weekend. I'm like, basically,
I just go home, I'm like,
I just wait for the police to come collect me, you know? Going to jail for real. Didn't happen,
two days go by, no jail. Work with Mike two shifts,
never mentions it. It's been about 10 years now. Not one of those kids
snitched on us, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not one of those kids said
a single word to us or to anyone, about anything about us,
which is crazy. I'd like to think
a lot of those kids are 12, 13, okay. It's been about 10 years. (audience laughs) They're very young, okay? It's been so long,
it's been like 10 years now, and I'd like to think
that some of those kids are like now graduating
from Ivy League schools, and they're just like, "Yeah once I fell asleep in church, "and I got my act together 'cause
my mom hired gang members. (audience laughs) "One of 'em choked us,
another one threatened to kill my dog, "I never did anything wrong again." Thank you so much, everyone. (audience cheers) - Thank you! (audience cheering) Goodness gracious. How's it going everybody? (audience cheering) All right. You guys are wild, this is good. Let's get right into it, huh? It's 2019 and my look is less ideal than ever. (audience laughing) This is real! Here's the deal. I am a Jewish man but I look like an accountant for the Arian Brotherhood, (audience laughing) and I know that. (audience laughing) It's not, I didn't do it on purpose. But I do, I look like the nerdiest guy in the worst prison gang, it's a problem. (audience laughing) It's a serious problem. They're just like, "He doesn't kill people "he does read a lot though, he does." (audience laughing) Oh man, it's fine though. People are wild, they surprise me all the time with how wild they are. Recently, I was in a shoe store and I was just looking at shoes and a dude comes up to me and he goes, "Oh, your face, that's crazy, "I can't believe you did that!" (audience laughing) And then he goes, "Dude, so what do you, "like a tattoo artist?" And I was like, "No man, "I'm not good at art." And he goes, "So just no job?" (audience laughing) Like there's no other options! (audience laughing) So it's like, "I can do work!" He's like, "Oh, so what do you do?" And I was like, "Well technically, no job, (audience laughing) "but still, come on man." And then he goes, "Well, if you need any help "with anything, you let me know." I was like, "You work here!" (audience laughing) So disrespectful! (audience laughing) People are crazy disrespectful. I live in New York. Dudes, this is a thing that's happening often, dudes who wanna get my attention in public, they will combine with a think I look like with prison and yell it at me. The other day a guy was like, "Hey you!" And I was like. And he goes, "Yeah you, "Harry Potter but make it prison, "come over here." (audience laughing) It's like, "What? "I'll come over but I didn't like that." (audience laughing) This is true, the other day I was sitting on the subway, I was sitting, minding my own business, this guys is scooting past me, he looked up at me and he stops and he goes, "Hey, Jim from The Office "did 10 years in prison, "look at you." (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I was like, "Did not like that one!" I was like, "That one was accurate. (audience laughing) Like, "Come on man, "I'm trying to grow my hair out, "let me live my life!" People on the train were laughing, he was killing! And he goes, "Oh, so Pam left "and you just snapped, huh?" (audience laughing) He has follow-ups! (audience laughing) Come on! (audience laughing) Yeah, just going hard. I've been doing this, which I shouldn't do, I've been reading comments on my videos online. What a nightmare online is, just in general. This is real, I've been noticing this in comments, this is a new thing, a new trend I've been noticing, people, usually older people, will be annoyed withy my tattoos. Now, this is completely new, they will see me and then be like, "Ugh, I remember when "having your face "or your throat tattooed meant "that you were a criminal, "meant that you were dangerous. "Now it just means you're a hipster." And I'm must like, "Are you disappointed "I'm not a murder right now?" (audience laughing) What is happening? (audience laughing) It's like you assume, firstly, you're making assumptions about who I am based on how I look. And then when I don't live up to them you're, and like it makes no sense. I'm furious, I cannot win with these people. And then, what's even crazier is that I happen to have gang tattoos on my face, I used to be a criminal when I was younger, not always the case, but in my case it is. Sometimes I will tell people that to stop them from being annoyed with my tattoos and then with so much confidence, they'll just tell me, "No! "No, you weren't a criminal. "Listen, I've seen "The Wire and Sons of Anarchy "and you were not." (audience laughing) They're like experts now. (audience laughing) It's incredible, I spent the entire first part of my life only wanting respect from the scariest people you can imagine and now I'm on Facebook arguing with a 40-year-old woman named Joy. (audience laughing) She's just like, "I bet you've never even "stabbed anybody." "What? (audience laughing) "I've stabbed two people in my life!" (audience laughing) She's just like, "Not even three? (audience laughing) "I bet they both survived." (audience laughing) Oh my gosh. (audience laughing) These are the same people who do stuff, they'll be like, "Aren't you worried "about how you're gonna "look when you're older? "Look at all that, "aren't you worried about "how you're gonna look "when you're older?" And it's just like, "Okay, well, "you're wearing dress socks "with jean shorts, "why don't you worry about "how you look right now? "How about that?" (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience applauding) Ah man, let's... I've been traveling a lot, I've been all over. Recently I was in the south and I was at a Denny's. I was minding own business and I looked over and there's like a claw machine, like one of those giant claw machines you see, you know. And I was like, "Ah man." And then there was a lady in front of the claw machine. Okay, it was a big one, where you win giant prizes, and she was crying. And I was like, "Wow, that's seems like "an over reaction "to losing that game." (audience laughing) And my friends were like, "No, you idiot, look." And I paid more attention and then she was crying because her toddler had crawled into the machine. (audience laughing) Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And he was stuck inside of it and she was like, "Come out for mommy." And he was like, "I live here now! (audience laughing) "I have all the prizes. (audience laughing) "Why would I ever leave?" (audience laughing) So she's hysterical and she's just like, "Someone call 911," like, "Someone call the police." And I'm just like, "Don't waste public resources, lady, "now is your time, "win him back, let's go!" (audience laughing) Right! (audience laughing) "The stakes have never been higher, "let's do it!" (audience laughing) I was just like, "Listen, I have $5, I can claw your baby. "Let me try, I can get him! "I can get him." She did not think it was as funny as you guys did. (audience laughing) So, they called the police or whatever and they brought the fire department and they took the machine apart and got the kid out. And she was very snooty about the whole thing. But I was like, "How funny would that have been "if just some big, "Italian firefighter showed up?" And she was like, "What are you gonna use "the Jaws of Life "to save my baby?" And he's like, "I have ten ones, let's do it!" (audience laughing) Cut to 40 minutes later, he's like, "I'm out of money, "I am so sorry for your loss. (audience laughing) "Will you take a life size "Sonic the Hedgehog instead?" (audience laughing) It's good to be back here in the West, I live in New York now, I came back here for this and to visit my family often. It's also, there's different challenges being here than in the city. Like for instance, recently while I was here, I hit a deer with my car. Yeah, but it's not what you guys think, okay. I did it completely on purpose, now... (audience laughing) How that happened was, I was driving, minding my own business and I'm going down the street and I looked over and I saw a dog and a deer in a parking lot together, okay. I was like, "They're friends, like in Disney." (audience laughing) But I was wrong, they were not friends, they were enemies and they were fighting pretty hard, okay. All right, I don't, and I didn't even know, the deer was hooving the dog, I didn't even know they did that, all right. And the dog hated it so the dog goes running away from the deer to escape and the dog comes running across the street I'm driving down and the deer comes chasing after the dog and I had a decision to make. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience laughing) Listen, it was an Australian shepherd, okay, it's crunch time! (audience laughing) I hit that deer so hard with my car. (audience laughing) I swerved and everything. Listen, I hit that deer like my stepdad was riding it. Do you understand? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That is what I like, a crowd that is not a fan of my stepfather! (audience laughing) Nobody likes you Joe! (audience laughing) I shouldn't use his real name but whatever. (audience laughing) So, (audience laughing) by the way, I should not say this but you guys seem cool, so I'm gonna say it anyway. (audience laughing) Feels so good to hit something that big with your car, it was awesome! (audience laughing) Yes! (audience laughing) Listen, I didn't want to have to do it but if I'm gonna do it, it might as well be cool. (audience laughing) I don't know it felt cool to hit something that big, I get what old people are up to in farmer's markets, I get it. (audience laughing) Like, I understand, now when I'm on the couch and I'm watching the news and they're like, "An elderly gentleman "ran over six people "and slammed his car "into Best Buy today." I'm just sitting there like, "Live your best life grandpa, "get in there. (audience laughing) "Yeah, you didn't fight in World War II "not to hit someone with your car, "get it." (audience laughing) So, listen I feel some of you in the audience being worried about the deer and that's fair but don't be, okay. The deer is fine, I drive a 2001 Saturn, the deer is fine, okay. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience laughing) It seems like you guys might know a thing or two about cars, that is not a good car. (audience laughing) Yeah, my car is so bad that when I bought it I parked it on the street and that night I assume some kids spray painted the word "Wow" on the side of it, (audience laughing) and I did not care, okay. (audience laughing) Yeah so I'm in my 2001 Saturn, the dog runs past, the deer is coming, I slam on the gas, I gave it everything I had. All that happened, okay, was the deer rolled up onto the side of my hood on its side, rolled back onto it's hooves, and then just looked at me like, "What was that about, man?" (audience laughing) And I'm just in my car awkward like, "I'm trying to kill you!" (audience laughing) The deer's just like, "I don't need this." And it left to go do deer stuff or whatever. (audience laughing) So the deer is gone. I'm sitting in my car, I can't believe this just happened and I realized the dog is nowhere to be found. The dog escaped, yes, I'm an American hero. (audience cheering) I deserve this! (audience cheering) I know, it's like the troops, then me, then firefighters. (audience laughing) I'm feeling very good. (audience laughing) This is literally the most onboard anyone has ever been (audience laughing) with that premise. (audience laughing) I used to put myself above the troops, even as a joke, people were like, "Pull it back, "you gotta be behind." (audience laughing) So, I'm feeling good, I'm in the street, I just hit a deer with my car, I'm a good person. I'm feeling great. (audience laughing) I'm jazzed up, I'm like pumped up on adrenaline, I just can't believe it happened, I'm like dancing in my car, I was like, "Ah, that was crazy!" And I look over and I see a family, (audience laughing) they're wearing their Sunday best, like a mom and a dad. They're pushing a baby stroller down the sidewalk. And I was like (gasping), they probably saw everything. They definitely wanna talk to me. (audience laughing) So I do a U-turn, (audience laughing) I pull up to them. Have you ever seen a guy pick up a baby stroller to get away from you faster? (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience laughing) Yeah! (audience laughing) I'm just in my car like, "What is this guy's problem?" And then I realize, "Oh no, they have no context for what just happened. (audience laughing) They probably didn't even see the dog! They just see some guy in the middle of the city with his face covered in tattoos, driving the world's worst car, just clobber a deer for no reason. (audience laughing) Then, that guy sits in the street and thinks about it for a while, (audience laughing) spots your family, (audience laughing) does a U-turn, (audience laughing) revealing the fact that he has the word "Wow" spray painted (audience laughing) on the side of his car, (audience laughing) struggles to get his window down 'cause he drives a 2001 Saturn. And then he looks out at your wife and kid and just goes, "I'm a hero!" (audience laughing) He left so fast. (audience laughing) He left his wife, he did not care, (audience laughing) hustling. (audience laughing) Oh man. (audience laughing) I've been traveling a ton this year for comedy, which has been great. I went to two places in particular, I went to Austin and Portland. Both places-- (audience clapping) No, hold on. (audience laughing) Either way you're wrong, both... (audience laughing) If you've seen me before and I bring up a place, I will say nothing good about that place. (audience laughing) I'm not here to be like, "They were great and moving on." No, so I went to Austin and Portland and they're not so bad but here is a thing, Austin and Portland, both cities where their whole motto is "Keep It Weird" and they're, "We're weird, ugh." And I showed and like I'm a weird guy. I love weird stuff, I cannot wait to see what I'm gonna see. Nothing weird at all, okay. I'm talking to people like, "When does the weird happen?" And they're like, "It's around." It wasn't. (audience laughing) There's nothing weird happening in either of those places. I was like, "You guys have to, "the bar has to be higher." I live in New York, once on the subway I saw a guy, this is real, only wearing the top half of a SpongeBob costume, okay. (audience laughing) Yeah, and what, what was he doing you ask? He was wrestling-- - [Audience Member] Oh! - Another man, okay. Who clearly didn't know him. (audience laughing) That guy he was wrestling was just yelling out over and over again, he goes, "Sponge Bill, no!" (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience laughing) But no one on the train was helping, (audience laughing) there's everyone watching like he seems like he has it under control. (audience laughing) So if you're gonna be weird, you gotta step it up. Also, how dare Austin and Portland, "Keep It Weird" when, how dare they act like they're weird when they know Florida exists. (audience laughing) Yeah, it is just out there doing what Florida does. (audience laughing) Last time I was in Florida, this is real, by the way, this is Googleable information after the show. I'm in Florida, I'm walking past a newspaper stand, I look into the stand, the headline on the newspaper reads, "Local man robs Wendy's with aligator." (audience laughing) "What did you just say to me?" I read it, I still said that out loud, it was incredible! And also, oh yeah, that's all you wanna say, you don't wanna add any more to that? Like, I don't know, maybe tell us if the aligator was an accomplice or a weapon, how about that? (audience laughing) For real. (audience laughing) Did this guy rob a Wendy's with an aligator or did this guy rob a Wendy's with an aligator? (audience laughing) There's a huge difference. (audience laughing) Did he start a gang with an aligator, throw a bandana on it? (audience laughing) He's like, "We're the aligator boys now. (audience laughing) Let's get to a Wendy's and make this official. (audience laughing) No. So, this is happening, I bought the paper and I read the article and this is real, he used the aligator as a weapon, okay. And when I read that I was like, "Did he at least hold it like a gun?" (audience laughing) Right? He didn't, he threw it (audience laughing) through a drive-thru window! (audience laughing) Yep! (audience laughing) Didn't see that one coming, did ya? (audience laughing) You know who else didn't? The lady (audience laughing) at the drive-thru! (audience laughing) So many things have to happen before you can even throw an aligator. (audience laughing) You have to find it in the wild! (audience laughing) Also, by the way, how horrible is Florida that there is just alligators available to you! (audience laughing) What was even his qualifying material? Was he looking for a specific type? Or are you just the first one he saw, he was like, "This is the one" and he took it, that was it? (audience laughing) So this is real, this happened, in Florida, a place connected to the United States (audience laughing) where we are all living currently! (audience laughing) A grown man, with a driver's license (audience laughing) found an aligator that day. He didn't even build a relationship with it. (audience laughing) He takes this new aligator and he seat belts it into the backseat of his car. (audience laughing) I assume. (audience laughing) I just have no idea how else you keep it from getting into the front seat and biting you, right. (audience laughing) I don't, (audience laughing) I don't know if you guys know anything about alligators but they kinda just do whatever they want. (audience laughing) So he seat belts this dinosaur into the back seat (audience laughing) and then he gets into the front seat and he's like, "Ugh, I gotta make some money today." (audience laughing) Staring at the wheel, "Ah, I could get a job," and he goes, "No, no time. (audience laughing) "Spent most my day "on that aligator thing," (audience laughing) Projects. (audience laughing) (exhaling loudly) "I could rob someone." He goes, "I could rob a place, "'cause places have more "money than someones. (audience laughing) "Rob a bank," and he goes, "No, no, "they'll be expecting that." (audience laughing) He's thinking about it and then he thought, he comes to the conclusion, Wendy's. (audience laughing) They have money and chili, that's the place. (audience laughing) So he drives his new aligator to Wendy's, okay, pulls up to the drive-thru, and the lady at the drive-thru is like, "Hello, how can I help you today?" And he goes, "Give me all the money." And she just goes, looks right at him and goes, "Uh, no! (audience laughing) "You didn't even come inside? (audience laughing) "You failed at this robbery." And the dude is so mad and he goes, "Give me the money in the register "or I'll kill you!" And she's from Florida so she's not afraid of death or whatever. (audience laughing) She looks down at him and she's like, "No, "if you had a gun you would of "showed it to me already, "I call your bluff. "Get outta here crazy guy, goo, go, go!" And he's seething mad at this point, furious. And he's like, you know what, "I don't have a gun "but hold on." (audience laughing) And then he palmed an aligator (audience laughing) through the drive-thru window! (audience laughing) Yup! (audience laughing) He skipped so many steps in that robbery. (audience laughing) If he had a list of things he was supposed to do he would of thrown the aligator, looked down, and just been like, "Oh no! (audience laughing) "I was supposed to threaten her "with the aligator first." (audience laughing) By the way, can you imagine being her? Just telling this guy off and he's like, "You know what, I don't have a gun." And you're like, "Wow, nailed it, "really doing it today." And then he leans back and starts unbuckling the world's ugliest toddler. (audience laughing) Like "Ugh, hey, "someone come and see, this is wild." And then you look back and an aligator is flying. (audience laughing) Imagine being the car behind him! (audience laughing) Just, sitting there with your girlfriend, like, "What takes so long "to make burgers here?" (audience laughing) She's on her phone, you're like, "Do you even care?" You look back from her and then an aligator soars, whoop, from window to window! (audience laughing) "Honey, get off your phone, "they're throwing alligators "into Wendy's! (audience laughing) "This guy is crazy!" (audience laughing) She's on her phone like, "That doesn't make sense, "they don't even serve alligators here." (audience laughing) "What, why am I with you?" (audience laughing) So, this dude is sitting there, awkwardly, with no more alligators left to play in the robbery. (audience laughing) Probably thinking to himself, "Ugh, you think if I ask "for my aligator back?" (audience laughing) Such a bad idea to throw it, he didn't even put a fanny pack on it like maybe get some money while you're in there, I don't know. (audience laughing) So, (audience laughing) he drives off. (audience laughing) Yeah, and he gets arrested immediately. (audience laughing) He didn't even wear a mask. (audience laughing) Yeah, he was like, "I'm in Florida, "people throw alligators, "I'll probably get lost in the shuffle." (audience laughing) Um no, he didn't. They remembered him, they arrested him pretty hard afterwards. The end of the article, this is true, it goes, "No one was injured, "the aligator was safely released "back into the wild." And the very end of the article it read, "No drug involvement suspected." (audience laughing) Oh yeah, Florida? That was your sober plan? (audience laughing) What does the non-sober plan look like? (audience laughing) Do you ride a horse and the aligator throws you? (audience laughing) What happens? (audience laughing) I make fun of aligator guy like I have my life together, but I don't. (audience laughing) There's no easy way to say this but my life is not, it's not together. My personal life isn't as good as you think it might be. And some of you are like, "Shane, "your life has to be going well, "look at you on stage." Yeah, I'm living my dreams and that's nice but also my personal life, tatters. Let me tell you, okay, there's no easy way to say this so I'm just gonna open up and say it, okay. I am 32-years-old and I pooped my pants recently, okay. (audience laughing) Yep, not supposed to do that! (audience laughing) Uh. (audience laughing) I don't like the way some of you are laughing, by the way. If feel like you guys, just to clarify, I didn't just do it like, I wasn't just like watching Batman like "Dah, this movie is good, "I don't think I'm gonna make it." I didn't poop my pants freestyle for the love of the game. (audience laughing) I had a reason. (audience laughing) Here's what happened, okay. I had food poisoning. Yeah, it could happen to anybody. I had food poisoning, I was parallel parking my car, (audience laughing) that's not a part of this, that's mostly a humble brag but I can parallel park my car. So, I'm parking my car, I had food poisoning and I coughed. (audience laughing) Yep, and it happened to me. (audience laughing) It happened, I pooped my pants. Listen, you know how sometimes you fart and you're like, "That was pretty gross, but I'm okay." (audience laughing) Not that one! (audience laughing) Nope! I pooped my pants so fast and so hard, it was like somebody else pooped my pants. (audience laughing) It was incredible. (audience laughing) By the way, didn't even know that was one of the options when you cough. (audience laughing) What, that can happen? (audience laughing) I've been pooping my pants for 32 years. Did I say pooping my pants? I meant coughing. (audience applauding) Cut that one, cut that in post, everybody. (audience laughing) We're going to cut that one out, okay. (audience laughing) Listen, you guys don't know my life. (audience laughing) I've been coughing for 32 years. (audience laughing) Not once ever, after cough for 32 years have I ever been like (coughing), "Whoa! (audience laughing) "What was that?" One of my friends was like, "What just happened?" I was like, "I coughed, "I almost pooped my pants." He's like, "Yeah, that can happen, "gotta watch out for those." Not once ever! (audience laughing) Like, the cough waited 32 years and then betrayed me. (audience laughing) Like, once I was in ninth grade and I was giving talk in front of the class and I coughed and my body was like, "Do we do it now?" (audience laughing) And then puberty was like, "No, we will embarrass him. (audience laughing) "You, hold back, wait 20 years, "then take him out, "right before he has to do comedy." (audience laughing) Yeah, I was parking at a comedy club! (audience laughing) It was worse case, so I get out of my car, I can't get back into it, it's not one of those. (audience laughing) I was like, "What do I, what do I do?" And I was like, my first plan was to buy the pants off of a homeless guy. (audience laughing) But they are never there when you need them, the homeless. (audience laughing) My second plan was to buy the shirt off of a guy wearing two shirts. But here's the thing, if you try and buy the shirt off of a guy wearing two shirts and you tell him you need it 'cause you pooped your pants, he will run from you, so. (audience laughing) I was gonna wear it like a, I don't know what I thought, anyway. So I look across the street and there's like a mall. And I was like, I gotta get over there, so I waddle over. You know, yeah, it's a shameful walk. People can tell, they can. A kid tries to talk to me and his dad is like, "Get away from him!" And this kid is like, "Because of how he looks?" And he's like, "No, other things, go! (audience laughing) "Get away." (audience laughing) So, I get into the first clothing store I can get into and the guy working there is like, "Hello, how can we help you today?" I was like, "Come here, "come here right now." And he's like, "Oh, what's going on, what is it?" And I was like, "Here's the deal man, "I have fully pooped my pants." (audience laughing) And he just goes, "Excuse me!" I was like, "Am I stuttering right now? "Daniel, okay! (audience laughing) "I need you on team me right, "there is no time. "Do they not train you for this?" (audience laughing) He's like, "What do I do?" I was like, "Go get me a pair of jeans this second." So he runs off and he comes back and he goes, "I have mediums and I have larges." And I was like, "Give me the mediums!" And he looks right at me and he goes, "Do you wanna try those on?" (audience laughing) I said, "Do you think "this is a game Daniel?" (audience laughing) "I need the key "to your employee bathroom "and an undisclosed "amount of time, man. "How many times you gonna "make me say it, "I have pooped my pants!" (audience laughing) In a weird twist of fate, I am wearing those pants currently. (audience applauding) Thank you so much everyone, have a great night! (audience cheering)
