Understand The Pain The Unfaithful Partner Experiences After An Affair

to everybody thank you for joining me tonight on Facebook live tonight is Tuesday and typically we would be doing our infidelity recovery call on Monday nights but I have just been so swamped with so many clients that last night just went on for too long but I wanted to remain committed to what we do by showing up here tonight and so I want to talk to you guys tonight for just a few moments I know that we're preparing to hear President Obama's final farewell and many of us are both excited and saddened by that reality so I promise not to be with you too long here tonight good our last time that we met we talked about how it's important for the unfaithful partner to understand the pain that the her partner goes through that when an affair that has occurred there is a long for some couples a long recovery process and there are many trials and tribulations and situations but tonight I kind of wanted to switch gears I wanted to talk about understanding the importance of the pain that the unfaithful partner goes through I think that when dealing with affairs typically we deal in the context of understanding the hurt partner and so obviously he or she has been the one that has been violated he or she is the one in this situation who has been victimized and so that's the role that they're playing victim I don't mean that in a cynical way but they are an essence and victim of what has occurred and so the focus is on them and I think that unfortunately what we do is we discount the struggle is that the unfaithful partner endures and I think that the more we begin to have these Facebook live discussions the more you're going to be getting to realize that a person who is unfaithful to their spouse it is not because they're evil or wicked or sinister diabolical and are on the prowl and have intentionally gone out to destroy their relationships but unfortunately sometimes we wind up in situations in circumstances we've established relationships with people and we haven't had the proper boundaries and borders in those relationships to protect it and before you know what we've slipped into what we will call inappropriate interaction and things begin take place now a lot of times for some it is a willful act and is very intentional and others I don't say made a mistake because I don't want to minimize what it is I don't believe it's a mistake because one plus one equals three is a mistake one click you know so but when you have an affair that is an error in judgment I think that would be more of a fair analysis and so the state of mind the state of being the relational state of affairs that couple maybe in creates such a vulnerability that unfortunately an affair occurs and so the question becomes what is it that the hurt partner endures I would say that there are generally fine emotions that the unfaithful partner excuse me be unfaithful partner struggles with that I want to quickly in an abbreviated fashion go over tonight and if you understand these emotions I think that it would help for the hurt partner as weird as this may sound to have sympathy or empathize with the partner who's violated the relationship because you have to understand that as you recover as a couple there is a different individual recovery process for the her partner and the unfaithful partner they're going through completely different things so if all of our attention is focused on the her partner in the her partner heals but there's no recovery process for the unfaithful partner right then what happens is we can wind up entering back into a pattern of unfaithfulness because Corrections weren't being made healing wasn't being done issues we just scratched the surface but we did not go deep enough to find out the root cause of the problem that led to the affair in the first place and so when dealing with some of these emotions I would say after working with countless couples that for the unfaithful partner whether male or female a lot of times they struggle with regret and regrets obviously you want to have some form of regret for what was done right of course because you want to show that you are sorry a veteran Paulo Jetta Kandra pit full of your deeds and your actions but to live a life of regret is a horrible thing to do because you wake up every morning you live like each day every time you interact with your spouse and with your children you have this spirit this heavy spirit of regret on you and what happens is when you're living in regret you don't feel worthy you don't feel like you deserve of the people who are still in your life your spouse and your children and so oftentimes you're adding internal conversations with yourself about how that you are and how much hon you cause and there should be a healthy degree of that but oftentimes that can become very unhealthy and what happens is it impedes how we interact with our family and so the healing that we're looking for ultimately doesn't happen there becomes a breach of the relationship and there's almost like an emotion of disconnect and we hold ourselves back from re engaging with her to her partner giving him or her the healing that they need but also acknowledging that we need healing ourselves and so regret is is a horrible horrible healing to endure when you're in a relationship another thing that I think that unfaithful partners really struggle with is shame okay and I'll couple that with a third which is guilt so guilt and shame are like cousins now in terms of placing blame I think it's important that if an unfaithful partner has violated the relationship they need to take personal responsibility for his or her Deezer actions that yes the relationship wasn't where it needed to be yes you two are getting along possibly or possibly everything was going well and you let you were led astray taking personal responsibility for what you did is great but when you begin to live in guilt and shame once again much like regret it causes any emotional disconnect now I have seen both men and women who violated the relationship literally crumbled before my very eyes begin to wither away emotionally they begin to decline spiritually they begin to decline and that's another piece because when you are living in gret shame and guilt you disconnected a relationship with God and you feel like there's nothing that that I can ever do that is worthy of God forgiving me so not only do we struggle with forgiving ourselves a lot of times we don't believe that God forgives us and so if you're operating with that frame of mind it will negatively impact the relationship that you have with your spouse and with your children so I want to help release you of those emotions and of those of those feelings because it literally will [ __ ] your relationships and then a fourth there's a feeling of helplessness because here you are you're trying to work things out and it seems like every time you take two steps forward you wind up taking three steps back and so you throw up your hands and you're like I just don't I just don't know what to do you know if I could take a phrase that I've heard several men and women say who have violated the relationship and are trying to rebuild and restore it is this I just don't know what to do because every attempt I make to do something that is good it is either acknowledged for a moment but we slip right back into our bad negative state or it's not acknowledged at all and it's turned around and used against me I think one of the biggest things that the hurt partner has to be mindful of is that while you are recovering you should not turn or to turn your partner if you will into a punching bag a verbal punching bag where you beat him down you tear her apart you physically are aggressive and hit and kick and scream and abuse your partner and a lot of times when that happens the her partner is doing that because they are in so much pain that they want the apartment to feel the pain that they have caused and so no matter what the issue or the situation in life may be oftentimes it goes right back to we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you and the reason why is going through is because you and your doing and so all of a sudden no matter what the issue is what there's related to the affair or not if it's just regular life situations he or she becomes the fall guy for all things that don't go well in the relationship and so that keeps you in a stuck place and I think that for the hurt partner they have to realize that you have got to begin to transition forward into your healing now nobody can legislate your pain nobody can legislate your recovery process right so nobody can say you should be much further than you are right now why is this taking you so long we should be past this already because everybody is different however I would say that each of us as individuals have to do our best to work through the process is a lot of heavy lifting that the partner mustn't do endure to reach their healing place but in that process I don't want you to take out your anger your rage your aggression on your spouse because the only ones of making the relationship work so a lot of times just being on it's working with both husbands and wives her partners and our faithful partners there's a lot of vengeance if you will it's almost like you know what I'm going to get you for everything you did for everything you made me go through I'm going to get you and the reality is all of us have a different tolerance level I've worked with couples where there has been emotional Affairs no physical contact whatsoever and it would [ __ ] the relationship I work with other couples where there have been literally I don't have enough fingers and toes to count how many partners someone had a crippled the relationship you know I've dealt with couples where there has been short-term one-night stands in whatever the case may be everybody's response is different but I think ultimately what I'm saying is it's important for you to understand that both of you are going through a level of pain right and so while you're both in a weakened state to a degree you have to be there for one another right there is the acknowledgement of the hurt of the unfaithful partner of the of the harm that he or she has done and it's got to be a constant binder so that the her partners Felix's oh you know what he does remember she does acknowledge what has happened and why I am in the state that I am but at the same time both of you have to come together and have a plan of action and having vision for your future that you're not going to be in this place forever that you're going to slowly crawl your way out of that and at times the her partner is going to feel worn down like a like a rag in your faithful partner has to help build that person up and vice versa so when you're weak and your partner's strong you have to be there for them whatever side of the fence that you may be on I think there's a fifth emotion that a lot of unfaithful partners feel and really struggle with is a feeling of hopelessness because you have to understand the unfaithful partner literally is tormented every single day of this recovery process whether you realize it or not they are entirely having conversations with themselves and beating themselves down stuck in fear stuck in shame stuck in guilt stuck in hopelessness and helplessness and as much as they're putting themselves through you know when you begin to violently attack physically or verbally or emotionally beat down your partner it just weakens them it you know even more so so there's got to be a time even in this of the recovery process when you're fighting and fussing that you learn how to take a break you know even when two armies two opposing militaries two opposing nations go to war with one another they do have moments of peace where they retreat for a period of time right and so I think it's important that you begin to do that with your partner just to take a break just to go in different places to allow yourself to recover and it's important to understand and I've always like to give this analogy if you've ever been on a roller coaster before now we know that some people love roller coasters and some people absolutely hate them but imagine a couple a husband and a wife they're in the front seat car of a roller coaster and the roller coaster ride is a good minute in the head and they're on this journey together at the same time they experience the same twist and turn they experience this thing you know I don't know the slow incline and the quick decline they've experienced the same thing but by time that ride is over one partner is excited and a you know ready to go and get right back into the front seat and do it all over again and then the other partner is dealing with fears and phobias and you full of anxiety and they make an internal valve that they will never go on a roller coaster again now the interesting about think about this they went on the same journey but their experience in that journey was completely different likewise in the recovery process of our hurt in an unfaithful partner their experience even though the journey is the same they're on the journey together their experiences are very different and I think that we need to begin to understand and begin to ask the questions of the affable partner about what he or she is going through mentally and emotionally and spiritually and in that process do what we can do to help heal that person as it helps to heal the relationship now I'm telling you what I experience working with countless couples across the country in throughout the world there are people who call me from South Africa from London from Europe obviously within the States the Caribbean in a matter where we are no matter what our geographical location may be no matter what our faith tradition may be no matter what I've admitted beyond culture or our race the impact of infidelity is generally the same across the board and so I am here every single week to provide a little glint of what is necessary for you to do as a couple to help begin to restore the relationship now last point I want to make is this when dealing with the unfaithful partner you have to understand that if we look at the story of Adam in the bio Adam and Eve when II when Adam excuse me was a direct relationship with God Adam was given direct instructions from God in terms of what was in the garden what trees he could touch and eat from and so he who did not have that relationship wild what according to the story grabbed a piece of fruit and convinced Adam to partake so in this particular act he was so enamored she was so in love he was so enthralled by Eve that he broke or severed his relationship with his father and pursued the desire in the will of Eve by biting into that particular fruit that led to the fall of man in that experience we see where Adam gained so little to lose so much oftentimes when we participate in illicit affairs we're gaining so little but what do we gain we gain what will be considered the sweet nectar of a forbidden fruit but that is an experience that lasts for moments you know oh sorry about that often times they say it's a moment of pleasure but a lifetime of pain I've also heard someone say that love is for hours sex is for minutes orgasms are for seconds and often times we are willing to put our marriages interval a vulnerable position due to a few seconds of pleasure and I'm here to let you know that it is not worth it if you are an individual who is tempted or you know considering entering into a fair consider the life of of Adam and how much he lost think about what he looks he gained so little to lose so much number one he lost his connection with God number two it wrecked his relationship with his wife Eve number three he was thrown out of the garden so his wealth his prosperity his domain his relationships vertical horizontal all of those things were affected through this one act now these are the consequences of our actions even though God forgives even though we can be restored there are natural consequences that take place when a relationship is violated but that does not have to be the end of the story regardless of the consequences that will come you can rebuild you can restore you can regain all that was lost you can have a double portion if you go to the correct recovery process I can't tell you how many couples who I know personally who have actually established a better more healthy relationship after the affair than what they had prior to the effect somehow the exposure of the affair shows all of the vulnerabilities all of the issue all of the challenges that exist in the relationship and now you have the ability to begin to do the work to begin to perform the surgery by getting the assistance and the help that you need to recover all and so I know many couples that if you saw them today there's not a spot there's not a blemish there's no residue of the pain that they've experienced in their past because they went through the proper recovery process but if this is something that you're attempting to do on your own you have a hard road ahead everybody needs help and assistance to recover when you're experiencing the pain of the affair and so our what did you leave this quick message off by stating that we should absolutely acknowledge the pain that they're her partner goes through because they are the ones who has been violated in that since they've been sideswiped it feels like the rug has been pulled from underneath their feet but at the same time I do not want you to discount the pain when I say pain listen I'm not just talking about men because I know statistically it suggested that my phone is just ringing off the hook this is crazy often times we're dealing with the unfaithful partner who's a man but I just want to let you know that there's countless women who have made the same mistake who are living in regret who are living in pain and shame and so because of that emotionally as much as the her partner is emotionally wrecked the the unfaithful partner struggles with low self-esteem the unfaithful partner struggles with low self-worth the unfaithful partner rather high in the shadows it's almost like you know when an affair has occurred you're not only unfaithful to your spouse but you've become unfaithful to the entire family so not only are you in a strained relationship with your wife or your husband but now the kids are impacted in those parental child what we call vertical relationships are negatively impacted so there's a lot to recover there's a lot to rebuild and in that process sometimes that unfaithful partner needs to be strengthened by you if you were the her partner so let them know that baby we can make it through this that I didn't go anywhere you're still here let's just put in the work and do what is necessary to recover all so I just want you to be aware that there is a level of pain and I don't care whether that unfaithful partner verbally articulates that pain or not all unfaithful partners are experiencing pain so it may be a good time to have a conversation so allow him or her to open up and to share what it is that they're going through on and on any given day you know it's good to do assessment every now and then and to figure out as a couple where you two can begin to do to not only restore help restore one another but restore the relationship thank you guys I hope that this was helpful I've gotten a tremendous response based upon our series on infidelity recovery I just want to let you know that this is just an inkling of what you can begin to experience when you receive professional help you can recover all so for those that are seeking counseling feel free to reach out to me you can inbox me go to couples academy org that couples academy or RG find out about our services we would love to work with you we provide weekly counseling sessions half-baked solutions what we call our private merits of private American princess which is a three-day 72-hour experience which is equivalent to 16 weeks of counseling where most of our clients have seen some of their major breakthrough and so we just want to let you know that we love you I wish you to support you if you are not a member of the audacity of marriage group on join the room there's so much more content that we deliver all throughout the week in that particular group so sign up for that love you see you next week god bless you

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 90,151

Rating: 4.8158627 out of 5

Keywords: marriage help, realtionship guide, relationship expert, couples academy, hasani pettiford, danielle pettiford, hasani, pettiford, couples, academy, infidelity, sex, marriage, relationship, love, advice, romance, romantic, cheating, affairs, counseling, infidelity specialist, mend the marriage, dating, marriage 101, recover, rebuild, betrayal, emotional affair, trust, survive, problems, danielle, infidelity recovery specialist, divorce prevent, marriage coach, how to save, pain, unfaithful, partner

Id: wyQSyr0WL6Q

Length: 22min 16sec (1336 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 19 2017