How Does the Unfaithful Spouse View the Betrayed Spouse Who Chooses to Stay in the Marriage?

[Music] today I'd like to answer a question that I think is very prevalent in the mind of the betrayed spouse but also in the mind of the unfaithful spouse early on in recovery that question and it's a really personal one and so I'm going to get very personal today that question is how does the unfaithful spouse see the betrayed spouse who chooses to stay in the relationship the best way to answer that question is to tell you that there's actually a few stages that we unfaithful go through the first stage is what I like to call the questioning stage basically there's so many questions that are swirling around the relationship will my betrayed spouse be able to forgive me will they be able to get over it are they going to constantly see me as a doormat am I going to be a doormat for the rest of this relationship we're in a questioning stage we haven't come to the point that we see you with great admiration or incredible kind of fanfare yet we're not at that point we're in this questioning stage if man will they ever stop asking me questions will they be able to get over this and kind of move on to actually healing and will they be able to one day enjoy me again and will I be able as an unfaithful to get over all of this am I going to be able to really find fulfillment and healing and joy and love and romance and passion with my betrayed partner there's also the questions and again I kind of warned you on the front end there's the questions that we unfaithful say will I find in my spouse what I found in my affair partner or can I find that in my relationship or marriage also it's okay maybe I can't find that because it was a bit of a fantasy wasn't real but yet it felt real and there's all of that that we've talked about before but can I find in my marriage a form of that errata sysm that passion can we reconnect can we one day be passionate again in our relationship these are all the questions that the unfaithful spouse wrestles with on the way to seeing their betrayed significant other in the light that I'll talk about at the end I know that those are very hard questions let me kind of soften it a little bit with there are more questions within this questioning phase can I the unfaithful get over this can I stop living in such shame and self-hatred can I stop being so angry we are swirling with questions that we don't have the answers for it's at that point that for us to really move through that stage we've got to continue to press on we've got to continue to get help we've got to continue to do so many of the things that I regularly talk about in other videos the next stage that we usually arrive at is the mavey stage this is the stage where we've had a pretty decent amount of positive interactions and negative interactions it's kind of gotten very Western but it's also been very rewarding then there's been some significant connection and it's kind of like whoa maybe we can't actually heal maybe they can get over the infidelity maybe they're actually going to forgive me and maybe I can get over myself and maybe we can heal and there's this point where we as unfaithful go man maybe they're getting a sense of healing and maybe they're going to be able to actually put this behind them and we can grow together and restore our relationship it's full of questions but there's been enough positive interaction where we kind of go man there might be some light at the end of the tunnel now remember this particular video is for those who choose to stay this would be radically different for those that choose to leave but for those that have chosen to stay we then is unfaithful enter into the phase of shock this is a shock of wow we're actually doing okay they've done a lot of work as betray'd partners they they're actually healing we're growing I never thought that we could have this I never thought that we could experience this oneness this intimacy this joy this passion this sense of healing I had heard people talk about it and I had kind of maybe gotten a little bit of a vision about it but didn't really think that was for us and I'm shocked that I'm feeling for my significant other what I didn't think that I could feel again and we as unfaithful start to go man this is maybe gonna be awesome maybe if you come from faith maybe God is healing us if you don't come from faith maybe we've actually done enough work that we can heal and enjoy life together again and once we kind of hit that shock phase eventually we move to a point of awe and I can tell you almost 15 years later I am in awe of Samantha listen we have issues we still get in disagreements we're still working through childhood stuff we're not dealing with infidelity stuff but I can just tell you as an unfaithful and if you talk to any unfaithful spouse who is in the neighborhood of five six years and upwards they will tell you when there's been legitimate genuine healing they are in awe of their betrayed spouse they're in awe of the decision that Samantha would make to still forgive me and live with the consequences of my actions to put herself on camera which she's done in front of hundreds and thousands of people and talk about the worst time of her life I am an awe of her decision to love me to stay with me to save our families to be so brave to be so courageous to go against what literally hundreds of people at one time told her not to do to stand her ground and make choices that were in the best interest of her kids then she will tell you herself eventually and stay with someone that ripped her heart out and broke her heart and broke the heart of a sea of people that I'll never be able to get back I can tell you we as unfaithful look back with a humble sense of awe for what our betrayed --zz have chosen to live with what they've chosen to forgive what they've chosen to accept what they've chosen to wear as a scar and not beat us over the head with it every chance that they get to continue with this theme I was at a conference one time and somebody actually got to meet Samantha and I was listening to them walk up to Samantha so prepare yourself buckle yourself in for this and she said to Samantha you know finally meeting you and seeing you like you're gorgeous like you are just a successful beautiful courageous woman and I had believed the lie that you were just this kind of less than exceptional woman that didn't really have a choice but to stay with Samuel because you just were kind of this less than desirable woman and that that's why Samuel did what he did and you didn't really have any other options and I know that that sounds offensive but I just want to tell you that I look at you and think oh my gosh like you are an amazing woman you could have left him and found a man in a heartbeat and Samantha was several things she was honored she was insulted she was taken back there were so many emotions that went through her the only person that had more emotions than her was me because to hear somebody verbalize that was Wow that's just it was so kind of telling to just see how society treats infidelity and for those of you that have chosen to stay for those of you betrayed okay I just want to tell you one day I truly believe your spouse will be in awe of your character your humility your desire to save this relationship I believe that they will I know that some of you are experiencing the fact that they're not right now I'm sorry it doesn't mean that they want one day some won't unfortunately but many will I'm an awe of Samantha's willingness to love me and accept me these stages are so prevalent in an unfaithfuls life man or woman who chooses to stay in the relationship with a betrayed who has the absolute audacity to stand their ground do what they feel led to do push out all the the other advice givers that have never been through infidelity that don't know what it's like and choose to stay I just want to honor you I just want to tell you that we unfaithful are in awe of your willingness to do what you were doing I hope that you will honor yourself I hope that you will celebrate yourself in your desire to give your unfaithful another chance you you

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 92,930

Rating: 4.7865853 out of 5

Keywords: infidelity, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, betrayal, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: Tm1VXlftJY4

Length: 10min 53sec (653 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 11 2020