10 Most Common Mistakes Unfaithful Partners Make

hey everyone my name is a sonic Pettiford I have an infidelity recovery specialist in the co-founder of couples Academy and I want to talk to you today about the ten most common mistakes that unfaithful partners make in the recovery process and I think is very important that we take the time to really listen to what's happening because oftentimes we're doing things and don't realize that we're causing more harm than actually good we have our own thinking and justifications and rationalizations for the things that we do and we have good intentions sometimes but as they say the road to hell has been paved with good intentions so once you gain a clear understanding and knowledge of how to go about doing the right things it will significantly aid you in your recovery process so let's quickly go through the list number one not supporting your partner's recovery you know the reality is the pain that has been caused in the relationship as the unfaithful partner we want to get through this thing as fast as possible we don't want to prolong the pain we don't want to be forced to deal with what we have done because of shame and guilt and just being reminded of what we've done could sometimes be very disheartening so we want to race through the process but we don't realize that the recovery process is an individual journey and just as we're trying to get out of our pain our spouse is trying to get out of his or her pain as well but sometimes that process can be a much slower process and we're tipton often times they say you know what just get over as if it's easy to just get over I remember being on a television interview a number of years ago and I was working with a couple who had just been impacted by the pain of infidelity and the boyfriend was not sensitive to the pain that the girlfriend was going through and would simply say just get over it already and so I had to explain to him how wasn't so easy to do so and I gave him this when I said listen I said if I ball up my fist and punch you in the face and knock you down to the ground it will create a physical wound and it may take you two hours or possibly two days to get over the pain but if I do something in the relationship that causes an emotional wound it may take two months to two years to overcome that pain emotional wounds are a lot harder to heal and so it's important that you have a sensitivity to an understanding of and a high level of patience when it comes to the recovery process of your partner because your insensitivity can make matters significantly worse the second big has come a mistake that many unfaithful partners make is leaking out information over time in essence they're trying to control the flow of the information in their mind they feel like this information may do more harm than good may set my partner back and it is not information that I want to get out there because it's going to cause more hurt and more harm and so what we try to do as we do reveal information we think about a band-aid when you're when you're taking a band-aid off sometimes we may slowly peel that band-aid off of the scab but what happens is as you slowly peel it off you're pulling on your skin and possibly ripping hairs out of your skin so the slower you do it the more painful the process is as opposed to just ripping that sucker off there's an immediate shock but the pain is short-lived and it goes away and oftentimes when we're releasing information it becomes a very slow painful process and what happens is we said listen I've told you everything and then all of a sudden a week later another truth comes out but I've told you everything and about a month later another truth comes out and you're slowly leaking this information which is causing more pain because in essence you're forcing your partner to relive the speed the experience all over again so it's almost like the thoughts and the emotions begin to flood body in the wounds that were once created have just been reopened and they're just as raw today as they were the moment that they were created and so if you try to paste things out you're actually doing more harm than good so the key is dealing with everything in the moment and letting it all out I had to deal with the pain one time for a period of time then allow it to drip all throughout the course of the relationship because at some point a person may lose their desire to continue to fight because they feel as if what what else don't I know what's waiting for me around the corner what am I going to discover tomorrow so it creates more pain ultimately so tell the truth now in its fullness so that you can quickly get over this particular phase number 3 being defensive oftentimes when we are entering into full disclosure and questions are asked and answers have to be given sometimes the unfaithful partner it can become very defensive this is like my waiting why are you being defensive I'm the one who's hurt I'm the one who's gone through the pain but yet you're building up this huge wall you're defending yourself as if I'm attacking you and maybe there is somewhat of an attack in the disposition in the approach of your partner but they're hurting and the last thing they need for you to do is build up a defense and put on an armor and to protect yourself in essence what you should be doing is protecting the her partner and so the more defensive you are and the more unwilling you are to participate in this process what it does is it reinforces the fear that your partner may have about moving forward it reinforces an idea that maybe this is not gonna work and if you're holding on to dear life to these truths into this information and you're so defensive what are you hiding what are you not telling me what is it that I don't know so you want to be as open as possible and sensitive to the partner in terms of what they're going through and allow the process to naturally take course so that healing can be found number four here's a big problem that oftentimes four partners have and that is believing everything the hurt partner says let me tell you something during the time of discovery and disclosure it's probably one of the most painful times that you could ever go through there's literally an emotional roller coaster that you and your partner going in so in the midst of that process there may be a whole lot of hurtful words and a lot of times the words that are spoken are full of venom but a lot of that venom is a result of pain that that her departments feeling and oftentimes their attitude and approaches well because you've heard me now I'm going to redirect the pain that I feel back on you and oftentimes it comes in the form of words and so in that process you may be called out of your name there may be profanity there may be harsh words there may be demeaning words and so oftentimes it can set you back and impact your ego the reality is you have to know the route of the dialogue and know that pain is on the other side of those words and when you begin to empathize and have a sensitivity to what they're going through you won't take those words so personal so don't pay attention to every word that is said often times the her partner will say I'm done it's over I don't want this anymore but they're speaking out of their pain oftentimes they're in the state of confusion they may not quite know what they want to do but it seems as though they're very absolute in what they do when you hear their words don't pay attention to every word and know that this is a process and you have to have a high level of endurance and stick-to-itiveness them to make it through this phase number five here's a huge no-no unfaithful partners have a tendency to defend the affair partner it is very natural for the hurt partner the betray partner to want to demonize the affair partner and so typically you'll hear words like and trick and poor and all types of other words but once that whole Recker and so oftentimes their character is diminished they are demonized and made 100% responsible for the demise of their relationship this other man or other woman who's come in and destroyed the foundation of your relationship and so often times as the unfaithful partner you realize that Nava was a two-way street and what you typically do is you'll come to the defense and come to the aid of the affair partner and even though what you're saying may be true and what they're saying may be untrue the worst thing that you could ever do is try to defend the affair partner why because that reinforces the idea and the notion in the hurt partner's mind that here you go choosing her again over me oh so you want to defend her instead of defending me you want to protect her instead of protecting me and at that moment it's all about who's perceived sign that you are on and when you protect the affair partner by defending them you're choosing their side in leaving your spouse or leaving your partner out to dry so never ever ever ever defend the affair partner even if the temptations they have shut that down come to the aid of your partner and reinforce your love your support your commitment to your spouse number six avoiding talking about your partner's feelings you know a lot of times the unfaithful partner may feel like you know this is just dragging out too long too far can we just put it to rest there's a tendency of the her partner to want to have a conversation that again and again and again and again perhaps thousands of times we're asking the same question a thousand different ways to gain clarity to gain understanding to gain truth to get that aha moment to have a sense of closure and oftentimes the betrayed partner does not show the level of care and sensitivity to what their partner is going through the fact that the matter is as much as you may hear your partner bring up the affair they probably think about it a whole lot more than they speak about it so if you're hearing it every day could you imagine the mental torture that the betrayed partner is going through in their mind they don't always speak to every situation but they get to a point where they have to release and who better to deal with the details of the affair and the one who was involved in it and so sometimes it's an attempt on their part to vent and to let it out but sometimes is for the purpose of gaining further clarity and the more patient you are and having those conversations again and again and again it shows a sense of compassion and care but what I would recommend you do take out a cell phone use the power of technology because often times if you know you're about to engage in a serious conversation press that record device on your phone record the conversation and allow your partner to gain clarity by listening to the conversation a thousand times so you don't have to have the same conversation a thousand times because with every time they listen to it they're going to hear something different they hear something different because they become someone different we only retain 10% of what we hear and so oftentimes as the unfaithful partner may be explaining something they may lock in on a particular part of the answer or a particular part of the conversation and this everything else and so therefore the couple goes back into a tumble war about what was said and what wasn't said the reality is you don't hear everything I was said in the moment and so replaying the tape and listening to it again and again and again it allows you to come up with better more intelligent questions and allows that conversation to move in a forward direction it helps you to get to the final destination of clarity and closure number seven here's a big thing that unfaithful partners do that really can set the relationship back and that is when you point out the flaws of your partner or point out the flaws or the problems within the relationship and though what you have to say can be extremely valid because no one's perfect oftentimes it's perceived as a bad justification okay for what you have done with the reason why I wasn't faithful is because you were X Y Z or the reason why I cheated is because this is what we were dealing with in the relationship and and and the reality is you have to take 100% ownership for what you've done yes there were situations and conditions and an environment that was created in the relationship that created a vulnerability for an affair to occur but you have to take 100% responsibility for your actions because just because you were unfaithful it doesn't mean another couple in the same exact situation will respond by being unfaithful so there was something inside of you that caused that to be the reaction that's what you have to begin to deal with because everybody shows up very differently so rather than taking the time to point out end up in that moment your partner's faults and flaws and all the issues in the relationship take in what is being said balancing out with truth of course and so taking responsibility for what you've done moves you forward instead of setting you back number eight a big no-no is continuing to tell lies see this is where we get in trouble many of us justified our dishonesty in fact there are three typical reasons why many people are dishonest number one we are dishonest because we're trying to avoid the pain that our partner may experience if the truth we've already hurt them we don't want to hurt them again so what we'll do is we'll omit information will redirect will deceive will flat-out lie to avoid the pain that we don't want them to do to experience number two the reason why many people are dishonest is because they're trying to avoid the consequences of what may happen if the truth comes out so if I tell you the truth there's a fear that the relationship is over you may want to divorce you may want to leave and so that's not something that I can bear and so therefore I'm going to lie and deceive in order to hold on to what it is that I truly desire and that's you the third reason why people are dishonest is because they're just compulsive liars they lie about everything the reality is most people fit into the first two categories not so much the third one and so whatever your reason motivation or rationalization is for being dishonest I have to tell you it's not working and it won't work and whatever you lie about today the truth will come out tomorrow and so what that does it reinforces where your partner why they cannot trust you why they should not trust you and for some why they will not trust you again honesty is the best policy radical honesty is the best policy that is when you are open and honest about your past about your present about your future and as painful as the truth may be the fact it is the truth also heals and so if you lie for a good reason in your mind if you justify the reason behind why you refuse to tell the truth it will do more harm than good and it reminds them of the fact that you were the same person today that you were when you were cheating because when you were cheating your life and you still lying today so how do I know I cannot believe that you're not cheating why because you say so I'm still catching you in lies and so if you want to prove that you're a different person and that lifestyle than that behavior is no longer a part of who you are then everything that was attached to the behavior like lies like deception like secrecy like dishonesty all of those things have to be removed as well number nine not answering all of your spouse's questions let me tell you something if there's anything you can do to destroy the potential or restoring your marriage it's refusing to answer questions because now the feeling is well okay you don't want to answer that okay well what else aren't you telling me what else don't I know the last thing it does is reinforce the ability to trust in fact what it does do is reinforce the reason as to why I cannot trust you and if I can't trust you then there's really no reason to be moving forward and so when you refuse to answer the questions because you think the information is too painful you don't understand it everybody is wired differently some people are wired to know why urge to have to know every single nook and cranny of everything other people rather not know because the information may be too painful for them so you cannot determine what it is that your partner should want to know maybe for you knowing all this information wouldn't work but maybe for your partner knowing all this information allows them to heal to find closure and to move forward so having conversations about the motive and the reason as to why they need to know certain things will be good before sharing that information and testing it out right now the initial reaction probably we'll be one of hurt and pain that's the fact that's just the reality but you have to look at the big picture okay if we're moving forward we need to realize that it's not a straight line oftentimes on our way forward there may be times when we take three steps forward two steps back two steps forward five steps back but we're moving in the zigzag type of flow but we ultimately get to our final destination and so you just need to realize that that is a part of the process and so honesty is the best policy and sharing everything is the key to your success number ten of the top ten most common mistakes that unfaithful partners make is not keeping your commitments and agreements that you've made with your spouse oftentimes unfaithful partners are very inconsistent in what it is that they promise to do the worst thing you can do is make a promise and not honor it because now we're dealing with an integrity issue we're dealing with character flaws and here we go again you want a faithful which was a flaw and now you won't even honor your own agreement and promise which is a flaw I can't trust you I can't trust this I can't move forward you're not who I think you are and so when you do not show consistency in your behavior it's such a partner back at the end of the day the question is why should they trust you because you say that you're truthful because you had a good deed or to know trust this son over time and it has earned as they observe your patterns of consistency as they observed you honoring the commitments that you've made and guess what even when you don't think they're looking even when you think they forgot they've remembered oh yeah and they're serving you so you're always on stage you're always in the spotlight and so you want to make sure that even when your partner is not around you're operating in complete integrity because when you don't think that they're observing you or best believe they're right over your shoulder looking at everything and so your can assistance II is one of the keys to your success these are the top most common mistakes that unfaithful partners make that you have to make a decision not to bring in to your restoration crisis with your spouse

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 37,468

Rating: 4.9425673 out of 5

Keywords: marriage help, relationship expert, couples academy, hasani pettiford, danielle pettiford, relationship guide, infidelity, esther perel, esther perel ted talk, td jakes, joyce meyer

Id: I7IEwIwTMU4

Length: 20min 37sec (1237 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 22 2018