Why People Cheat And How You Can Prevent It

hey everybody I'm just going to wait a few minutes for a few people to get on and once I see that if you are on we're going to go ahead and get started I'm excited about our session tonight we're going to be talking about a great topic and so we're just going to wait any because we're just going to wait a second for people to just log on and then we'll get started listen as we get started I want to encourage you to share this video on your page there's going to be some great information either you have experienced an affair or you know someone who has I think we've all been there or know someone who had so if you can disseminate the information by sharing this with as many people as possible I would really really appreciate that today tonight we're going to talk about the real reason why people are unfaithful and how to prevent it now know many of you have said well golly how can you keep somebody else from having an affair thanks babe I appreciate your support all those hard come from a beautiful wife how can you prevent somebody from having an affair well if you begin to understand what causes these Affairs you can participate in preventing it in helping your partner become aware of it or if you are the one who has been unfaithful these are some of the things that you can um kind of be mindful of as you transition to the course of your relationship now most people have a tendency to always blame situations circumstances of other people temptations from the outside world as to the reason why they were unfaithful or they have a tendency to blame their spouse if you didn't do this I would have done that or of you because you deprived me this that's why I did that and so what happens is it's a victim mentality and we're always looking for someone to blame but you've got to realize that when you're pointing the finger there are always three fingers pointing back at you and so I want to talk to you tonight not about external circumstances that lead to an affair but internal realities that cause Affairs to occur there was an awesome study that was done a number of years ago in this study was done by a group of people who were studying alcoholics that continued to relapse so after these particular alcoholics went to a 12-step program and they were clean for several weeks to several months possibly several years they would notice that a number of them would slip right back into drinking again so in essence they became alcoholics all over again and so they wanted to know why this was occurring and based upon their research and their study in their findings they discovered that it all came down to internal mood states meaning their internal emotional states led them to run back to the bottle and in essence what they did was they created an acronym called halts B ok h al t b-- and each of the letters enthalpy represents a different emotional mood state and these are some of the mood states that we find within ourselves that also cause us to be in people so let's go to them very quickly now I'm overcoming a little cold so if I call bear with me but H and halt B stands for hungry they found out that when alcoholics became physically hungry for food rather than eating food and getting the source of nourishment from a meal they would run to a bottle the a in Hall D stands for angry that whenever they became emotionally irate and angry and frustrated or depressed or wherever they had a high-volatility of emotion rather than suppressing it with something that was healthy productive they ran to a bottle because you know when you drink it has a tendency to to sedate you right and so they notice that the L in Hall D stands for lonely that whenever low alcoholics were seeking companionship and so lonely and felt like nobody visited support them rather than having personal human contact they would find comfort in a bottle the T in Hall B stands for tired whenever they became physically worn out emotionally tired they would find some type of companionship some type of drive some type of energy source in the bottle is the B and all B stands for board that in essence when they were they became bored and I'm sure you've heard this before an idle mind is an ego mind so some people shop you know other people do things that are non-productive in this case these individuals would run to a bottle and drink Holtby and what we found is that these same emotional mood states that existed within these relapsing alcoholics are the same emotional mood states that exist within us that often oftentimes causes us to be unfaithful so just think about it in the context of a relationship when you are just hungry you're hungry and you're thirsting for more because you feel like within the realm of your relationship you are just not getting enough you're not getting the love that you want you're not getting the attention that you want you're not getting your emotional needs met maybe you're not being sexually fulfilled as you feel you need to be and because you are starving and yearning and burning if you will for something more and and of course you're not getting it this internal mood state of dissatisfaction causes you to venture out and to connect with someone outside of the realm of your marriage the a stands for angry you know a lot of times when people are just fed up I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired you get on my nerves I can't stand you no more I'm angry and so when you're angry anger is a form of punishment and often times we seek to punish our partners we seek to get even we seek revenge so because you heard me fine I'm going to hurt you too and I'm going to make you feel it and so what we do is sometimes I despite and intention we run out and connect with someone else as a way of breaking about within our relationship because of an internal mood state so rather than rearranging the emotions that exist within us we fulfill a desire based upon that anger then you have L which stands for lonely I know so many people who have relationships for 1 year 10 years 20 years that's still only because being alone is not synonymous with being lonely there are many people who are in committed relationships who are laying in the bed next to somebody else but still have a feeling of loneliness and so there's an emotional disconnect there's no companionship possibly not even a partnership we're just two individuals who are living in the same home passing by like you know ships in the middle of the night never to communicate never to touch never to become intimate and so loneliness sets in and because I can't connect with you and I have no rapport relationship with you I'm naturally whether consciously unconsciously intentionally or by accident will gravitate into a connection with someone else based upon that loneliness but the loneliness is an internal feeling it's an internal emotion and there are things that you can do to adjust that the tea once again stands for tired we need to sick and tired of the entire when you just sick and tired of the same old situation the same old pattern we've been dealing with this problem for years it's not getting better we've gone to a concert we read books you know we went to seminars we talked about it a thousand times till we're blue in the face and I'm just done and when you are tired not just physically but emotions ire and you're ready to call it quits you labels there's no point in trying to maintain integrity within this relationship so sometimes people venture out into the unknown and connect with somebody that they should not be affiliated with and then the B stands for board now if you've been married long enough nine times out of 10 after the emotional in love feeling begins to wither in wane normal tea set set and so now that things are normal and predictable and monotonous as they say monogamy oftentimes leads to monotony we don't date anymore we don't have fun anymore there's no recreational companionship there's just nothing all we do is go to church and come home go to work and come home we raise kids we pay bill and that's it and frankly I'm bored with this relationship and I'm looking for some level of excitement that I no longer get from you so I venture off and that's what typically happens halt be so if you are the individual who's struggling with these internal mood states or emotions or if your partner is struggling with these mood states then I would encourage you I would encourage you to have a conversation with one another and deal with each one of the letters in the acronym so if hunger is an issue think about the last time you went to a restaurant on an empty stomach you are hungry and guess what if the food was phenomenal but the service was horrible nine times out of ten you didn't go back but if the food was average at best but the service was unbelievable you may give that restaurant another chance and so when it comes to your relationship is important that you learn how to serve your partner so if there is a hunger or a thirst based upon a void or an emptiness that exists within it is your responsibility to your partner or your partner's responsibility to you to begin to ask how can I serve you how can I feed you how can i quench your thirst and guess what for every person is going to be something different if you're familiar with the five love languages we know that according to that book written by Gary Chapman a love language number one is quality time love language number two acts of service love language number three the giving of gifts glove leg love language number four words of affirmation and love language number five physical touch so it may be something different for your partner so rather than loving your partner and serving your partner the way that you feel they need to be served act them and then honor their request and once you know what it is do your fair share of feeding them on a consistent basis could you imagine going to three days without a meal you would start a struggle with numbers of malnourishment you need to be fed three times a day every single day seven days a week likewise when it come to the realm of a relationship one of your responsibilities is to serve your partner so in essence marriage is not about what you can do for me it's about what I can do for you and if I'm doing for you and both of us are operating according to this principle we both win so the eight anger how do you how do you deal with the anger by having conversations what I found is that most couples do not know how to talk they do not know how to resolve conflict and so as a result they become highly emotional and then conflict occurs and then once the conflict occurs and it goes too far then we enter into a silent treatment and don't communicate with each other for two three hours two to three days two to three weeks and so that anger is festering on the inside and every day that goes by is getting progressively worse and progressively worse so the best way to deal with the anger is to have conversations where you're operating according to specific ground rules what we will call rules of engagement to engage in conversation to get to the core of the issue and when you can begin to do that all of a sudden that emotion will begin to subside and you can enter into healthy conversations that are productive and mutually beneficial the Elm I'm just lonely I'm up in this house all by myself I saw like a single-parent mother single parent father you out doing your thing you are at work all day you're on the computer all day you're connected with other people you have all these other relationships and I'm alone all by myself I am lonely well I need to serve you because if you feel that way you didn't enter into this marriage to be in prison and to be isolated and to be in a solitary State you've entered into this relationship because of companionship and so one of the things that you two need to begin to do is to reconnect emotionally and physically I'm not saying sex sex is awesome but physical interaction is important see there's a major difference between what we will call physical proximity and quality time for instance if I'm in the television room watching TV and my wife sits next to me now she's on computer Oh on her phone scroll into Facebook we have physical proximity because we're in the same room sitting on the same couch but there is no quality time there is no intimacy because our attention on two different things but if we are together engaged in something that is taken up both of our attentions pointed in the right direction or we're engaged in a conversation with one another that is an example in an expression of quality time and with us excuse me when you begin to feed your partner with time with words with affirmation may become filled so when you think about a tank all of us have a car in order for us to get from point A to point B it requires gas in the tank when the tank is empty you have to fill it back up and as long as there's gas in the vehicle you can move in a forward direction and so all of us have an emotional love tank so it's important for us to assess where our love tank is so on a weekly basis possibly at the beginning of the week at the end of the week that's your partner how's your love tank is it full is it half-full is a quarter of a tank full what can I do to fill it up and if you're taking the time to ask those questions trust and believe that feeling of loneliness will begin to dissipate then tea is tired I'm tired of how things are I'm tired of our financial situation I'm tired of our emotional state I'm tired of our sex life I'm tired of these kids around here acting a fool I'm tired of this wreck of a house I'm just tired and sick and tired of being tired well in that particular situation you're going to have to come up with a game plan see many people are married but they're not married on purpose meaning there's no purpose to their marriage there are no goals attached to their relationship one of the reasons why we have couple of Academy is we help couples that have better relationships but one of the reasons why we created the couple's business school is to teach couples how to be married with purpose and to find fulfillment and business ministry within the realm of their relationship and when you had that all of a sudden this whole tired situation goes away because now there's always a goal ahead of you that you're striving for that you're moving towards and you're moving in the direction that gets you ultimately where you want to go so the question becomes what is your chief aim for your marriage somebody is blowing up I love it keep them coming keep them coming what is your chief aim for your marriage all of you as individuals when you come together you become one but in that oneness there's a power of agreement in that power of agreement when you're coming together there should be an ultimate goal purpose and agenda ahead of you in essence there should be a marriage mastermind and when you truly understand the purpose of the marriage mastermind which we have no time to get in tonight it will revolutionize your relationship remind me to talk about that in another session so T stands for tired and a way to overcome that is to begin to work on your game plan for your marriage B finally excuse me folks stands for board I just need something different I need something new I need newness every single time Danielle and I travel around the world it doesn't matter what we have white people in the audience black people old young they've been married for two years they've been married for 20 years all of them want the same thing they're all trying to figure out how can we keep the passion in our relationship you know according to the book the five love languages it states that the in love feeling which naturally takes place in the initiation of the relationship really is the infatuation stage and that feeling of infatuation or that in love feeling only lasts for two years and then all of a sudden declines then a new or different type of love has to kick in this is where you have the caring love the committed form of love God agape love now when you operate in it's an act it is a decision of your wills and when you're doing the right thing that in love feeling can come back so the goal is to regain that in love feeling to regain the feeling of infatuation and it does that by dating more it does that through recreational companionship you do that through quality time you do that through establishing rituals to protect the sanctity of your relationship and these are the things that you must begin to do in order to what help this internal move state that we've identified as Holtby so as I wrap up excuse me as I wrap up H stands for hungry a stands for angry L stands for lonely T stands for tired B stands for bored I would HIGHLY encourage you as a couple to have some quality time to do two things one day of the week you should be dating it should be your fun date your play day the other day of the week should be your work day well what is your work they look like as a couple you're working on your relationship you're having these conversations you're reviewing these videos you're entering into the discussion you're seeing where your partner feels or where they're at in terms of certain situations and you're doing it for the purpose of establishing a sense of oneness not just sexually not just physically not just mentally and emotionally but spiritually as well when you truly become one you're building up a wall of protection in that marriage and infidelity will become a thing of the past I hope you enjoyed tonight's session I've got to go because I haven't a one-on-one session with a couple but listen I would highly encourage each and every one of you to post questions like as I'm watching you I'm on my little iPhone so I really can't even read comment as you see likes and shares and love stars popping up all over the place but inbox me with your question so that I can address it in our next session really quick this one let everybody know the book The Audacity of marriage finally came out this is my copies I had to I guess this is what you will call asking what they call this but to see and copy you get just to make sure everything is great I just ordered hundreds of copies I will have it in a week's time so all of those that pre-order the book the book will be delivered as soon as it gets in my hand I'm so excited about it if you notice this is no lightweight book this is 233 pages I put my heart and soul into this book if you want to know how to enhance your marriage protect your marriage and take it to the next level I highly recommend right now you can go to amazon.com you can buy it at all paperback for 1695 or when we're having a 75% off sale you can get the Kindle version tonight for our things like 3.42 cents so go to amazon.com or go to the audacity of marriage come and get your copy today love you guys I will see you soon you're in my prayers

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 33,534

Rating: 4.8794231 out of 5

Keywords: marriage help, infidelity specialist, infidelity recovery specialist, Why People Cheat And How You Can Prevent It, why men cheat, why women cheat

Id: 0-6IFqZ2bGw

Length: 20min 55sec (1255 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 19 2017