Why Couples Fail After An Affair - Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened

[Music] hey everybody welcome back my name is Wayne Baker and today we're gonna start a new series and we're going to talk about why couples fail after the discovery or disclosure of an affair and so today is part 1 and we're gonna talk about not knowing what happened that is one of the biggest factors in the failure of a relationship after an affair because when a betrayed spouse doesn't have the details of the affair it's a lot like being trapped in a dark closet and not knowing where the door is to get out because without the information regarding the betrayal our brains will work overtime trying to put together this mystery if the unfaithful spouse with holds details regarding the affair or sexual addiction it will take a long time to heal and you know it already takes a long time but without the details it just adds to that so the first key factor in surviving infidelity is to have a comprehensive story about the details regarding the affair without it there's no way for the betrayed to understand the damage and it will greatly limit the success of the couple staying together in all my years of being a couples therapist it's my experience that we're all very capable of getting over a betrayal it will certainly take a long time much longer than any of us wish it did in the best of circumstances but to continue lying or withholding of information doesn't leave anyone feeling safe and it destroys the opportunity for restoration and reconciliation so we already know that infidelity creates a pain like no other emotional regulation stability safety and truthfully healing is created through what we call a coherent story the betrayed spouse needs to be able to make sense of what happened it's not unlike anything else that happens our lives we all have a need to understand and make sense of almost everything that happens to us in our life and until we do gain clarity our emotions can run rampant and confusion rules and hearts remain broken understanding what happens provides a foundation on which we can eventually begin to rebuild a relationship and I want you to remember that the step in the process this this therapeutic disclosure or this coherent story takes a significant amount of time and attention to detail you cannot rush it and regardless of the type of affair whether it was a one-night stand or a long-term committed relationship or an emotional affair or even addiction to pornography the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both people within the couple as I work with couples not knowing what happened seems to be the number one culprit if not the number one it's certainly up there at the top a couple is more likely to stay married and even have a much better marriage after an affair when they thoroughly discuss everything ultimately understanding what occurs allows both parties to rally around solutions and begin to move forward not only does the hurt spouse have a need to know what happened the need is just as great for the unfaithful spouse to write it out and put it all in one cohesive document where you begin to make sense of it as well there is a strong tendency to be self deceived when facing a side of ourselves that we'd rather keep secret or in the dark it's the courageous that can begin to do that work I believe because it's when we feel shame we betray ourselves as well as others and you've heard me say it many times over the last several months is that we we really do betray ourselves first when we go down that road exposing what has happened has a unique way of providing clarity and growth not only for my spell but also for those of us that have been unfaithful I know after my infidelity at least initially I wasn't even able to think clearly and consequently I made a lot of mistakes in the early days of our restoration of our marriage and it wasn't my spouse discovering what happened I also began to understand things I hadn't seen in my own life and in my own behavior and the things that set me up for that but I had to walk through that whole process of this of creating this clear coherent story though it is a process and you've got to give it time to create this coherent comprehensive story it is a very necessary ingredient to creating safety and continuing down this healing journey that you both are already on so a question that I commonly hear in my office is how much detail is enough detail and that's not always up to me and it's not even up to the unfaithful spouse it's usually up to the betrayed at the same time knowing what happened is it the same thing as knowing every single little detail about everything that happened because too much detail can create additional problems with intrusive thoughts certainly the betrayed spouse might want to know what happened where it happened how often it happened if there's any potential health risks and even when it began and when it ended they have a right to this information I believe but questions regarding comparison where they compare themselves to the affair partner or to images or anything like that serve probably no benefit at all I've never seen it serve as any benefit what I've seen is that it can keep the betrayed spouse in this intrusive thought loop way longer sometimes years down the road so I want to caution you don't do the comparison thing if you if you find yourself doing that gets help with a therapist that can help you through that while it's enticing to ask these questions too much information only creates more reminders and more triggers and more intrusive thoughts for the longest time for those of you who want to help your spouse feel safe and heal by sharing your story you know here's some thoughts I have about this first is ask your spouse what they want to know now don't put the burden on them to have the right question but ask them what and how much they want to know there is there does come a time where the betrayed spouse will say I know enough I don't need to know anymore but that's their call not yours or mine and then I begin by carefully telling the story from beginning to the end it's the best way to relay the information far too often I hear it almost daily as the story comes out it's a little Trickle truth a little bit here a little bit there a little piecemeal and that's never been helpful in my experience it doesn't start the clock all over completely but it is a huge setback when there's new information brought to the surface and I would just say when you finish telling the story please please please don't say that's everything because most likely it's not it might be everything you remember right here right now today and that's what I want you to say it's far better off realizing that you've told everything you remember at that moment in time but there's always this possibility that other memories are going to come to mind especially as your spouse asks you clarifying questions as they try to wrap their brain around what happened you and your may may not have heard everything and will later be devastated by more information it comes to lie if you've said that's everything tell them that you're committed to honestly answering their questions and exploring what happened and if something does come back to your memory or come to mind you will tell them immediately another issue with this disclosure process of having a clear comprehensive story the unfaithful partner will resort to saying I don't remember and unfortunately they may not want to share the information as they're convinced that it would hurt you even more and if that were to happen if you knew this information you'd be done and you'd be gone other times and this happens a lot they genuinely do not remember the information and they may need more time to help them remember what has transpired they may need to go look at phone records or calendars or text messages or emails that kind of thing to help them remember that the thing is are they willing to do that hard work while I don't remember is not the best answer a better answer might be I don't remember that exact information right now in this moment but I am committed to getting the help and the right process in place to come to a place of remembering the details a little better I'm also committed to sharing any and all information as I remember and as we get immediate helped us start this healing process hopefully something like that would help additionally not being able to remember certain answers to certain questions won't prevent you from answering these investigative questions from Esther Perel questions like what did the affair mean to you did you feel entitled to have your affair do you think you couldn't express your needs to me or emotional intellectual sexual needs did you ever worry that your affair would destroy our relationship what was it like for you to lie to me those type of questions really can be helpful after the discovery questions then there's this investigative questions about meaning what did this affair me to you that'll be really important along the way as you're building this clear coherent narrative around the affair and what it meant to both of you it's really important as you guys walk through this to have safety built in to the recovery process where you go slow and you be curious and you practice listening more than you do speaking for the offended party to feel safe there must be signs of genuine empathy and I'm going to talk about that in detail next week without truly working to understand the depth of your mates pain all the temps are reconnecting will appear hollow or self-serving or checking the box and just trying to get through this as quickly as you can rebuilding trust after such a heavy blow will never ever be easy but the good news is that you don't have to have trust at least initially to rebuild a relationship in the meantime you can replace trust with a whole lot of honesty and a whole lot of empathy and just beginning to work through this and give it time for the unfaithful partners these two gestures honesty and empathy will go a long way to help soothe the deep soulish wounds that infidelity has left your mate really truly and yourself if you're not sure where to start or how to develop empathy please consider joining a group called hope for healing it's one of the courses on a fair recovery and it's specifically for unfaithful partners you'll be in a safe environment it'll be very encouraging you'll have a group leader that is an alumni of one of the hope for healing courses that has chosen to come around and help other people walk through this process I think you'll find it to be a really good nurturing encouraging supportive environment so please consider that so once again thanks for joining me and I'll be back again next week to talk about another reason why couples fail after Affairs and that is about the the lack of empathy thanks for joining me here this week here so you're healing I wish you all the best [Music] you

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 24,155

Rating: 4.8792453 out of 5

Keywords: infidelity, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, betrayal, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: tZf8OoBgvjI

Length: 13min 52sec (832 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 26 2020