Forgive Me, I Forgive You After Infidelity

every single week I get many calls of people who are in crisis couples who are on the verge of divorce individuals who've experienced a major affair or some type of betrayal and they're trying to figure out how can they restore their relationships and make it back and so one of the keys to a successful relationship is forgiveness and so the question is never what happens if hurt and harm take place in your marriage but the better question is what happens Wynn hurt and harm take place in your relationship because many couples are still trying to figure this thing out and along their journey of recovery there's a lot of trials and errors there are a lot of missteps there are a lot of course corrections that they make in the process and often times I like to give this analogy you know if you don't have help in someone's guiding you through that process it's similar to being on a plane if you've ever been on a plane once that plane lifts off of the ground no matter what the destination is if we're going from Atlanta to California 90% of that journeys off course 90 percent there's a radar system in the cockpit that's constantly course correcting that plane to make sure that it gets to its final destination likewise you need assistance you need help you need a counselor you need a class you need a support group that will guide you through the process so that you can get to your final destination and so what happens is when crisis happens and when it shows up you've got to take the necessary steps and you've got to embrace the necessary qualities in order to overcome that pain and forgiveness is one of those qualities and when thinking about many of the couples that I've come across there's one particular couple that really stands out for me that of all the people who have come across my desk and sat in front of me to work through their issues this particular couple was one of those couples who felt like there was no way back from the pain that they had gone through but because of the process that we took them through they become a source of hope in a beacon of light to so many other people and so I want to spend just a minute sharing with you you there quick testimony as we prepare for our conversation on forgiveness it's it's been about 14 years 15 years since we started to get on track but even though we were getting one track that far back we still weren't healed and there was from our past brokenness that we caused in our in our marriage you know so that took time to really recognize and address because we were notorious for running or burying it under the rug there was a big infidelity in New York that took me 10 years to heal from 10 years 10 years and we were going through the motions because with that infidelity who you don't want to wish it on your worst enemy we had to experience murder through that I was held at gunpoint with my own gun and watched the mistresses I was living with at that time killed in front of me but she had to bear that burden too yeah we lost our home to arson uh-huh then an innocent person was killed rushing to the fire of our house burning down because of our mess it was hard to get through and we had we had some counseling and we thought that we were okay when we left New York we thought we were okay cuz the counseling was intense and then we moved out here and you know swept it under the rug this is a couple who've gone through crisis in their relationship and it took the power forgiveness to help them to overcome and so they're just to give you context in terms of what forgiveness is forgiveness is a promise not a feeling when you forgive other people you're making a promise to never use their past sins against them and so the reality is today is built on yesterday and tomorrow is built on today so the things that happened yesterday will impact your today and the things that happened today will ultimately impact your tomorrow and so forgiveness is something that you have to have in order for you to successfully make it into your tomorrow and so the reality is when you have the power forgiveness in your relationship everything can begin to turn around but the question becomes if we're gonna really walk through forgiveness some of the things that you've got to ask yourself is what is your own personal history when it comes to forgiveness and so anytime I'm working with a couple there are five critical questions that I asked them that they have to answer for themselves to see if they're ready question number one what has been my overall experience with forgiveness so think about your childhood think about the environment that you were raised in think about what you've seen in what you've been exposed to what has been your overall experience with forgiveness number two have I been easily forgiven and do I easily forgive question number three have the ones who have hurt me quickly identified their wrongdoing and corrected their behavior question number four have people in my past apologized only to use it as an escape from punishment without changing their behavior in question number five do I still have some influential individuals in my life who need my forgiveness or that I need to ask their forgiveness these are critical questions to ask because oftentimes it is very difficult to do what you have no history doing and so if you're an individual who's used to holding grudges and being bitter and remaining in resentment and can't seem to forgive you haven't forgiven your your siblings you haven't forgiven your parents you haven't forgiven your best friends from 15 20 years ago what makes you think that you can easily and quickly forgive your spouse you have no track record for it and so it requires you asking yourself these questions to check your heart to see where you're at because it will allow you to know how easy or how challenging this journey of forgiveness is and I think that forgiveness is the principle that we're often taught but many of us don't know the proper application to how to go about forgiving our partner I mean we hear it all the time forgive forgive forgive but what in essence does that mean well there are four types of forgiveness that I want to quickly impact for you that will give you some context so the first type of forgiveness is what we will call the refusal to forgive see the refusal to forgive is the type for forgiveness where'd you know what you hurt me and I want you to feel the pain that you've placed me in and so I'm going to now give back to you what you've given to me so if the incident happened a week ago a month ago you are now in a position where you're going to have to pay for what you've done and so oftentimes the person who refuses to forgive has a very vengeful disposition towards their partner and oftentimes no matter what they put their partner through they never think that it measures up to the pain that their partner has caused them but when you refuse to forgive it keeps you from reconciling with your partner when you refuse to forgive it keeps you from experience your own personal growth and development in healing in the process because you're holding on for dear life what that person has done so the refusal to forgive oftentimes is a form of punishment but the reality is the pain that you think you're causing that other person you're really causing yourself have you ever known someone who's refused to forgive somebody from their past but that person in their past has no clue that that person is holding on to that bitterness and they're living life enjoying life celebrating and that person still bent up and out of shape and miserable in their state because they're holding on to something that they have not released so the pain you're trying to cause someone else ultimately is the pain that you receive yourself there's a scripture that kind of reminds me of this that I think is really powerful and it's found in the book of Romans the seventh chapter the 18th through the 24th verse and I love the way it's put in the King James Version it says for I know that in me that is in my flesh dwelleth no good thing for to will is present with me but how to perform that which is good I find not for the good that I would I do not but the evil which I would not that I do for if I do that which I would not it is no more I that do it but sin that dwelleth in me I find in the law that when I would do good evil is present with me for I delight in the law of God after the inward man but I find under the law in my members warring against the law of my mind and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members Oh wretched man that I am Who Shall deliver me from the body of this death now let's pause there that last verse is so significant o wretched man that I am Who Shall deliver me from the body of this death now that particular verse has a historical significance because during the Roman times when they ruled half of this planet they had different types of capital punishment or ways that they would deal with people who broke certain laws like I don't know hanging somebody from a cross as a form of punishment and so they had all types of torture tactics that they would initiate on people and so if you as an individual were found guilty of killing someone or murdering someone this would be your punishment they would take the dead corpse of the person that you just murdered and then they would hold that corpse up and they would force you to stand face to face with that corpse i - i ear-to-ear show - the shoulder on the arm leg to leg and they would take a chain and wrap you and that corpse together with this chain so literally everywhere you went this dead corpse had to go now if you know anything about the body when it dies one of the things that happens is rigor mortis sets in so imagine a 200-pound body now feeling like 240 pounds because it's now stiff as a board rigor mortis sets in and you're carrying this heavy weight around you everywhere you go and after a few hours all of a sudden maggots begin to eat it the flesh at this dead corpse but because you're in skin-to-skin contact now they begin to eat at your own flesh and skin rashes and diseases begin to form on this dead corpse and because you're in skin-to-skin contact all of a sudden the diseases that are taking that dead corpse out begin to consume your body in an hours laters as the organs begin to liquefy within this body it releases a deadly gas and guess who inhales the stench of death you do and so you begin to die a slow death Oh wretched man that I am Who Shall deliver me from the body of this death and when you refuse to forgive someone it's like having an invisible chain bind you to that person and the pain that you're trying to project on them is the pain that consumes you that leads to your own spiritual death emotional death or possibly your physical death so forgiving someone is not just for the other person it's for you the second type of forgiveness that we would talk about is what we will call cheap forgiveness Qi forgiveness this is what we call the quick and easy chief forgiveness as you know what the Bible says forgive I'm gonna forgive mom and dad told me to forgive I'm just gonna forgive we don't need to talk about it we don't need to go into the details I forgive you and so what happens is we suppress the issue and oftentimes people who engage in cheat forgiveness are those individuals who suffer the most with issue avoidance and so to avoid the issue let's just put it behind us because we're peacekeepers we just want to keep the peace and so talking about the issue now potentially puts the relationship at risk and because we want the relationship for dear life will suppress the issue and so what happens is we sweep these issues under the carpet and the issues get bigger and bigger and bigger till they consume the room but it doesn't resolve the problem because the very thing that you suppress or think that you're putting behind you actually follows you everywhere you go and what happens is it shows up in either passive-aggressive ways or aggressively because you've been used to bottling things up and so when you engage in cheap forgiveness that means that no Corrections are ever made the relationship is never put back on course because you never took the time to engage in a process where you went through the details of the offense to resolve it the third type of forgiveness is what we will call acceptance acceptance is powerful because acceptance is what you have to engage in when you're dealing with a partner who is unavailable okay so either an unavailable partner or an unrepentant partner even outside of the context of marriage if you're dealing with a person who's unavailable or unrepentant so an example of an unavailable person who you have art and unforgiveness with could be someone who's past they're no longer here how many people do we hold grudges and anger and resentment towards who are in a grave and there's no way to reconcile there's no way to to establish a rapport of relationship with that person because they're no longer here but oftentimes even in the midst of a marriage when someone is unrepentant because they haven't changed their behavior or maybe they've changed their behavior but they haven't gone through a process of forgiveness they're unrepentant and so therefore it's difficult to forgive but acceptance says forgive anyway why because you're forgiving that person for your own benefit for your own healing for me to have my own sanity for me to function throughout the course of my day to not be consumed with the emotions and the pain and the stress of what happens because all of my time and all of my energy is thinking about what you've done I've got to forgive you for me I've got to focus on my own healing so that I can become the best version of myself while I pray that you become repentant in the process so even though acceptance isn't the best form of forgiveness it is a start towards the path of true forgiveness the fourth type of forgiveness is the best and this is what we will call true forgiveness or some what call it genuine forgiveness and true forgiveness is where there is a system of accountability where you both are willing to admit what was done wrong and you're working towards the restoration of your relationship and so you're able to have difficult conversations you're able to call a spade a spade and then you're able to get the help that you need as you both work towards reconciliation in that relationship and when you do that things begin to go in the right direction and so it's more than just asking for forgiveness it's more than just saying I'm sorry but repentance is attached to the ask of forgiveness and repentance simply means turning direction doing something different changing your behavior for if I continue to do the things that I've always done and simply say will you forgive me or I'm sorry your words begin to mean less and less and less I can't tell you how many times in my marriage in the beginning of our relationship how many times I've violated her I have in her I said something or did something that hurt her and then I quickly said I'm sorry will you forgive me well she didn't believe me after the hundredth time because my behavior hadn't changed and so when I began to make corrections within me then my words became believable but the reality is it's not what you say that really is significant is what you do and so when your actions are consistent with your request of forgiveness then it becomes believable and so a system of accountability is critically important in order for you to have forgiveness within that relationship and so if you have these components and if you're walking down the path of true forgiveness let me show you what that looks like see there's a process that I oftentimes take couples through a journey of forgiveness that I walk them through that is so transformational and so that couple that I showed you earlier that shared the pain of what they had gone through after going down the path of working with 25 different counselors eventually they found me and we went through a process which was a three-day private marriage intensive and in that process we went through what forgiveness really looks like and we walked them through a journey let's share the video and I'm like man I'm like why couldn't you have this 15 years ago you know but I guess it's all in God's timing because if we didn't have it we wouldn't had the testimony to go through to give people hope that you can you know we were we were assigned to right well we were assigned to write these let these letters of forgiveness during this program that Hasani had a division and and don't don't make me cry now and he gave us hours to write these letters and we came back and we had to read them and talk about his first and I mean we've been two minutes we were all like bullying in there I mean there was tears and wet carpet everywhere and wet carpet and he just he just spoke from his heart and I really felt the realness that I needed you know and then when it was my turn you know I did the same thing but the one thing that was said in there that was I guess explosive fatah was that I owned up to my infidelity and I said I am truly truly sorry for doing what I did and I accept my own truth I accept Who I am I accept what I did and he bawled he said I've been waiting five four or five years for you to admit not because of what I did but because of what you did and I didn't even realize that it was quite a little bit like it impacted him like that you know I didn't realize how necessary that was for me excuse me for me to accept my faults and it actually made me feel good because I finally felt you know like I felt like I was opening up to my truth mm-hmm the forgiveness letter is a very powerful exercise that you can experience as a couple and so what I've done is I've printed out copies for each and every one of you to take home to engage in a conversation with your spouse now maybe you haven't gone through something as severe as what is expressed in their story but we all have something that we've gone through that's caused hurt and pain in the relationship and so the forgiveness letter that they're talking about I quickly want to share with you just an example of what it looks like and so as an example what something a wife would say would be I was wrong when I allowed myself to get caught up in the children's lives and schedule I know this must have made you feel neglected unimportant and only important for us as a paycheck will you forgive me something that a husband can say I was wrong when I worked too much and even brought work home at night I know this must have made you feel unimportant rejected and lonely will you forgive me and so in essence there's a three-step process to this letter number one you're acknowledging that you were wrong so in essence I was wrong I and whatever that is that you need to admit that's what you would write number two I know this must have made you feel this is where you're acknowledging the pain and the hurt and the experience that your partner is going through and number three is the simple ask will you forgive me such a simple tool but yet so powerful and this is something that couples when they take this seriously they will literally spend hours hours writing these letters and rather than handing their partner the letter they read the letter to their partner and oftentimes when they're reading it first of all as they're writing the letter it's such a transformational experience for the person who's writing it because they're forced to deal with the reality of what was done a lot of times when we hurt our spouses the last thing that we want to do is think about it because we're forced to be reminded of the pain that we've caused our partner but when you're forced to do this exercise now you're unpacking from beginning to end all of the details of this particular issue and it does something in you as it does something for your partner to hear you finally acknowledge and admit it what happens is when ego in Pride and narcissism or whatever the issue may be gets in the way it prevents us from effectively doing this exercise and so it just becomes a matter of words but what's so powerful about this not only is there an acknowledgment of what was done not only are you asking for forgiveness but oftentimes in the letter you're now gonna make a declaration of what life will look like from this point forward so if these are the behaviors I'm asking forgiveness for I am agreeing that these are the behaviors that I'm now going to engage in and what's so powerful about this when these letters are written couples often frame the letters and hang them up or place them somewhere significant where they can always be reminded of what's in the letter why because what's interesting is if I were to ask the majority of us in this room me included to recite your vows when you got married nine times out of ten you couldn't do it because all you were doing was reciting or repeating what the pastor told you to say and some of us stumbo trying to figure out what those words actually were and what they actually meant and so for many couples this forgiveness letter is like a renewal of their vows because they're placing in these letters a new path a new journey that they want experience together so in closing I would say when there has been an offense in a relationship there are three marital patterns that typically exist the first marital pattern is what we will call the sufferers the second marital pattern are the builders the third marital pattern are the explorers or the adventurers and really quickly the sufferers are the ones who can't get past the pain that took place in that relationship and they hold on to it for dear life and every incident from that point is then attached or linked to the initial pain that caused their hurt in the first place the builders are those couples who may go to a class they mug up MIT they may go to a counseling session or two but they're not willing to make the necessary course corrections and changes in themselves individually so they remain stuck and then the third pattern would be the adventurous those are the ones that say we're not going to allow the pain that we've experienced to define who we are we're going to take a path in a new direction and become the best versions of ourselves and when you choose that path you can genuinely and truly get past the pain and enter into what we will call true forgiveness these are the practical steps that you must take but once you've written a letter then it's a decision to live by the vow that you wrote in the letter and when you show a pattern of consistency slowly but surely the pain begins to dissolve and now you can start a journey anew

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 49,483

Rating: 4.9208632 out of 5

Keywords: marriage help, realtionship guide, relationship expert, couples academy, hasani pettiford, danielle pettiford, Forgive Me, I Forgive You After Infidelity, forgiveness, forgive, infidelity

Id: ikyfXiI7u14

Length: 23min 51sec (1431 seconds)

Published: Tue May 21 2019