The Long Term Impact of an Affair on the Betrayed | Live Broadcast

hello everybody I want to thank you all for joining me tonight on our Facebook live as you know that this is our infidelity recovery series that we do every single Monday at 7:30 oh I'm sorry 9 p.m. and I just want to let you know that we're going into our second month here we received a tremendous amount of response and support people who are very interested in figuring out how they can make their relationships work April thanks for joining us and I just want to let you know that as we enter into 2017 Hema our mother there Wow first of all I'm seeing my mom I'm sure she's been on before as we enter into 2017 we're going to be doing some major expansion with couple Academy in terms of our live broadcast just so you know every single Monday at 9 p.m. is infidelity recovery however on Wednesdays during lunch hour at 1 p.m. my wife will be joining me and we will be doing a series called married to the business so for all of you couples who are in ministry together who have a business together who want to make major impact together that will be your opportunity to receive great information and to even ask questions and get answers about how you can level up in the area of your business and then on Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. within our private group we have a group called the audacity of marriage and is consistent with hey Clarence can see it's consistent with the book that we just released every single Thursday evening at 7 p.m. we're going to be doing a message of in a series that's going to last for quite some time really giving people the nuts and bolts of what it takes to make a marriage work teaching the 10 principles of lifelong partnership and so before we get started once again I just wanna remind you to get your book it is available on Amazon or Kindle also go to your App Store whether you have an iPhone or an Android and download the couples Academy app there's some great information and we are relaunching our podcast in 2017 so there's a lot to look forward to but tonight I want to talk about a topic that I'm sure has impacted many people who experience the pain of infidelity I received an email from a woman who watches regularly who's having a struggle recovering particularly with her husband because her husband in this case doesn't understand the recovery process and wants to speed up the process and his main thing is just get over it just move on why do we still have to be stuck in this place and so what he wants what she wants to communicate with him is that sometimes it takes time that you know you can't you can't cook certain things in a microwave and expect it to come out good some things have to simmer over the course of time some things you've got to boil some things are a slow process and if you are respectful of that process then both partners can come out and win it becomes usually beneficial but as long as someone's trying to race the other partner through this process you both lose and so tonight I thought I want to talk about what some of the long-term effects are for couples who don't receive the help that they need I get this analogy all the time that if any of you have ever been on a plane before you know that when a plane lifts off of the ground 90% of that journey 90% is off course meaning is going in the wrong direction and that the only way that is able to get to its final destination is that there's a radar system or a [ __ ] you know inside the cockpit that's constantly guiding that plane to get from point A to point B that is the only way that a plane can get there likewise when you're working with a professional or you're seeking some type of help or you belong to a community of like-minded individuals that are on the path to recovery they in essence become that radar system for you so that says you're not doing it on your own now how many of you could get in the cockpit and fly a plane a very few of you you will crash in Burma and oftentimes our efforts are just like that when we're trying to recover on our own when we're trying to make our relationships better on our own many of us crash and burn and for those that stay together and overwhelmingly when an affair has taken place in a marriage most couples stay together so it's not the affair that in essence breaks the marriage is how either or both partners refuse to show up after the affair has been discovered and oftentimes this can be a long drawn-out painful process when we refuse to get the help that we need and so oftentimes what a partner goes through is what we will call a form of loss of reading process so just as someone may lose a family member or lose an animal or lose a significant relationship permanently there is a loss that takes place within the realm of your relationship and so the recovery process is quite extensive so we've heard it all before you know a person who's had a loved one who's passed away they're taught listen you're going to green for a while but eventually you'll get back to normal but if you speak to anybody who has significant loss in your life they will tell you that that pain never really goes away that feeling they never truly get over it it never just gets better but over the course of time you're able to function you're able to deal with circumstances in a particular way because you have coping mechanisms you have techniques that make your journey easier but that loss is there for quite some time and so if you do not get the help that you need you're going to feel that loss in a major way so there are two kind of things I want to talk to you about quickly tonight number one when you initially find out about an affair there is this roller emotional roller coaster experience that you that you go through and it will be consistent with someone who's experienced post-traumatic stress disorder and so I just wrote down a number of characteristics that typically people come to me with when they're trying to restore their marriage number one it's a major blow or it's a damage to a person's self worth or self esteem you know one of the greatest challenges is a person who's always comparing themselves to the affair partner am i as pretty as she do I have a body like she does do I have the level of security that my spouse sought out in this person that I couldn't provide and so feelings of inadequacy begin to creep up in the mind of the her partner because they feel like they're just not enough it's consistent with a person who has a spouse that isn't important right so some people think well what to be deal fine I'm looking at naked bodies finer goes to the shrimp Cove every now and then doesn't mean it I don't love you I'm with you are not but what that does is when your eyes become fixated on someone else it creates insecurity in the spouse because they feel like they're not beautiful enough to hold your attention that they don't offer enough to make sure that your focus is exclusively on that person so if it can be if it can take place within the confines of pornography how much more when an Affairs occurred and so the blow to the self-esteem is so huge and so picking up those pieces is quite a journey then there's the loss of the emotional security so oftentimes we hear people say you're just so insecure and you're right when you've been cheated on there is insecurity that takes place but understand what that means it means that the person is no longer secure in the relationship that they're in because they're not sure of when the next opportunity will come and so they're always looking behind every corner waiting and anticipating the fear of what may occur now interestingly enough no her partner wants to experience it again but there's a level of fear and anxiety that takes over them and so they're always looking for the next opportunity in any behavior of their partner that is in any way familiar with the behavior that that partner had during the affair automatically they're they're making connections they're attaching associations to that behavior and so it kind of sets them back this wasn't so ultimately what I'm saying is the hurt the her partner needs to receive a level of support from the unfaithful partner as they go through this journey I remember and I shared the story every now and then I was on the Bill Cunningham show a couple years ago and there we are on the media expert and we're dealing with infidelity and there's a there's a gentleman who's saying to his girlfriend on stage why don't you just get over and I apologize all right get over it and so I gave them the example I said if I ball up a fist and I'll punch you dead in your face and knock you on the ground right you're going to experience physical pain that pain may last for two hours two possibly two days depending upon how hard I hit you but eventually you'll get over but when you have had certain things take place within the realm of your relationship there is an emotional pain that occurs and that can take two months to two years statistically would say that it takes an out worth of two years for all of the pain to truly go away if you begin to your journey all over again now that is when you're not receiving the help that you need if you're getting the help that you need many couples have been able to recover much much much sooner than that but it requires that you be intentional in your efforts but the point that I was making to him is you just can't get over it it's not that simple and the journey that you're experiencing is different than the journey that your spouse is experiencing and so there's got to be a level of understanding and compassion and support that you provide your partner as they go through this journey in terms of the emotional roller coaster or the emotional scale right we talked about the intensity of emotions it can go anywhere from deep sadness a person who is just very melancholy they're always sad they're always down there favorite color is blue they almost have you know just a negative disposition they can be very cynical they can be very pessimistic they see the glasses half-empty instead of half-full that becomes the paradigm by which they view all situations in life because they have been able to properly pick up the pieces and recover from the affair so the affair even though it happened within the realm of their marriage it impacts every area of their life how they interact with their families how they interact with their friends how they show up for work how they serve in ministry so it takes more than just relational restoration to fix a person there is that personal recovery process that a person must go through as well when they do that then therefore healing comes to all relationships and then there are those that are just depressed and one thing about depression when you're depressed you just don't feel like doing anything this is an individual that can literally be in the data end the bed all day long there's no there's no passion there's no desire like to do anything you just rather just sleep your life away and so this is a very very very crucial experience that many people experience if they're not getting the help that they need but then on the other side of the pendulum you have those that are drenched in anger and rage and have a desire to seek revenge because of what has happened and so you know I kind of give an example about if you can see this this is a candle with a flame inside and if I were to force your hand over this flame long enough you will begin to feel the heat of the flame now Who am I to tell you how you should react the longer my hand is under here I may jump I may scream I may cry I may act in rage I mean attack vengefully so it's going to manifest in different ways depending upon who the person is and so there's no way that you can legislate what somebody goes through but whatever they are going through there is a path of recovery to get them out of that and so whether you're on the side of sadness and depression or whether you're an in rage and anger there's a process to bring you in essence closer to the middle so that you can continue your journey of recovery but another thing that individuals struggle with when there isn't video in a relationship is just a fear all right the fear the unknown the fear of if I open up my heart and attempt to trust you again I'm just not sure if I'm going to be hurt I'm not sure if we're going to wind up in the same situation and in so as a result of that I'm going to put up these walls because these walls are protecting me in my mind from the inevitable what is bound to happen again and so there's a whole lot of anxiety you know when it comes to interacting with not only my partner but trusting anyone because if the person that I love the most could violate me then what's keeping you from doing it and there's there's no attachment here so these are some of the things that people struggle with if it is you know the lack of focus the lack of concentration just not being able to function effectively on your job and so all of a sudden you're workers and your boss and your supervisor you noticing that this is something different about you you know there's just a different energy there's a there's a different disposition that you're displaying is anything going on at home and so what happened at home spills into your professional life in terms of focus think about it the work focus it's an acronym it means to follow one course until successful and what we have found that people who lose a sense of focus they become scatterbrained you know the Bible even talks about not to be like the double-minded man unstable in all of his ways and there's instability at least emotional instability when you lack a sense of direction and focus and a chief aim for your life also there's a sense of withdrawing from family from friends no longer socializing and entering into certain environments that were once healthy for you you just really want to just get alone in your own space to sulk and oftentimes that is not the best place for you now I don't believe in living life by distraction so let me just get distracted so I don't have to focus on all the negativity that's going on in my heart and my mind I believe in living life by design not by distraction but you by design want to become social want to become active want to interact with others want to have a new lease on life because it helps you in your recovery process it lets you know that every day is not a sad day every day is not glinting every day is not not cloudy and it's raining everything there's sunshine in this hope for a new day in that news excuse me that new day this doesn't mean a 24-hour day but a new season in your particular relationship now others things other post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms that people feel it's just a feeling of hopelessness just go hopeless I feel helpless I feel trapped I feel like there's no way out and when people feel that way it causes them to participate in behaviors that they normally wouldn't do I think there's a lot of apprehension that people have from reconnecting with their partner and it creates a spiraling effect when things get progressively worse so it's almost like the feelings that I have or the fear and the negative anticipation of what may occur again is controlling how I function in my own body and how I function in my relationship which creates more of the negative experience that I'm hoping to avoid so in that sense my thoughts and my emotions are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of further hurt and pain because I haven't grabbed ahold of this internally to begin to work on myself but then there's also physical effects like a lot of people just have no energy they're always fatigued some people get very sick it impacts your your sleeping patterns you just can't sleep or you can't sleep for too long you suffer from insomnia it may change your eating habits there's all types of them of effects that an affair can have on a particular person but the key is knowing how to get over and how to get through you know I'm sure you've heard this example all the time that if I were to walk up to you and punch you in the face and knock you on the floor obviously that's my fault but if I come back two weeks later and you're still on the ground it's your fault and so while the her partner I mean excuse me the unfaithful partner has his or her role to play in your recovery process at some point you've got to make a decision to take authority over your own situation to seek the help that you need to restore your life so that comes through spiritual transformation that comes through emotional healing that comes from relational counseling that comes from a commitment of personal growth and self-development and I'm here to say this because as we're winding down 2016 there are those of you who have been hopeless you didn't think that you would make it a full year but yet you're here and so that lets you know that you know what there is another day so either I can wake up in a loud life to just do whatever it's going to do and wherever the wind blows me is where I'm going to go or I can be intentional with my day to live the life that I'll ultimately one and so 2017 could be a major breakthrough for you not because guess what of the clock struck 12:00 and all of a sudden I'm somebody different but because I made the decision that I was going to become someone different therefore doing something different therefore getting a different result I've been sharing things online about the importance of understanding the difference between your human being this and your human doing this most people focus on what they have to do but what you have to do is a result of who you are so who you are represents your being and so if you're in a state of being that is one of peace one of joy and there's a stillness within you then you're able to function and operate in a healthy way and then everyone in your circumference benefits but if you're constantly depressed and down into the fear and in misery it impacts everything you do and everyone around you and so I just want to give you hope I want to give you hope to let you know that there have been many people even though I went through all of the negative consequences that can take place in an affair we dealt with some of the emotional trauma and the triggers that people experienced there does not have to be any residue from your past as you enter into your future there doesent because if you go through the process that is necessary for you you can completely be healed and restored you have all of the tools accessible for you just tuning in on a weekly basis I'm here to help you understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling what the issues are but then you've got to figure out how do I get out of this situation and you can do that by taking the proper steps and measures for your personal recovery process so get the book The Audacity of marriage because it gives you a blueprint of what you can begin to do to heal yourself we're going to be talking about how do you heal or her relationship but how do you heal our hurt individual within the relationship we're going to be talking about how to break old patterns and start new ones we're going to be talking about how to reconnect not only with your spouse but with your God we've seen so many people whose relationships with God have been impacted when they've gone through trauma that somehow running away from the church we think that that's the answer and so we don't go to church anymore maybe because it's fear or maybe because of shame or humility whatever the case may be but I'm here to let you know that you can have a brand new year if you are intentional about what it is that you want to do and healing healing is just a decision away all you have to do is decide you may not know the hell but all you need to have is a strong-enough why because if you have a strong enough wife or what you want you can endure any how that may come your way and so things become less complicated less of a struggle less hard when you have a strong burning desire for what it is that you want so if you want your own personal healing if you want relational recovery if you want a new lease on life if you want 2017 to be the best year you've ever had if you want to fulfill purpose and destiny for your life understand that you are not your past you are not what happened to you you are not a victim you are a Victoire and all you have to do is have a strong belief and all you have to do is surround yourself with the right people to be in the right environment we call it a system of support and accountability that will help you get from where you are and catapult you to where you want to be so listen I encourage you to continue to tune in continue to read continue to search continue to seek continue to research whatever you have to do to get what you want if you have a strong enough desire for it you will have it I've learned that there's nothing that I can't have because the Bible tells me that I can do all things through Christ now how can I believe that when it comes to my career when it comes to my education when it comes to my personal pursuits but somehow I want to give up caving and quit when it comes to my marriage how is it that the same faith that I applied in every situation in my life and I believe it's possible for me and I have many examples of it working in my life that somehow my hands go up and I give up all hope when it comes to my marriage you've got to have a marriage mindset you've got to know that the same God that was able to resurrect the dead is the same guy that can resurrect your marriage but it requires that you become a willing participant that you have to partner with God's will to make it happen so for all those that are looking up expecting God to do it all that's when you fail because God doesn't work like that he does not work for you he works through you as long as his Spirit dwells within you and as long as you have access to its system the kingdom of God and all the keys and you worked it you can receive manifestation in your marriage in your life in your business and in every single area of your life the decision is yours so that was my word of encouragement because in December and January those are the two most pressing months of the year for couples because statistically that's when more divorces happen during those two months than any other month of the year so I want to encourage you to stay strong to keep the faith you've got to be willing and determined to do whatever it takes to get your breakthrough and guess what you can have it so if you're seeking help I would highly recommend that you seek a professional that has the knowledge and the skill sets to give you what you need for recovery there's a lot of great people out there but a lot of people have general marital principles that can help you in your relationship but when it comes to a fair recovery is a special and a very unique type of skill set so seek those who have your answers stop talking to people who represent or share your problem and go to those who represent your solution and have your answer so I want to encourage you as we end um we have one more week to go before we in this year so one more special message for you but I hope that you heard something here that was motivating enough to get you to just live and work out just another day because if you can make it to the next day guess what you have enough determination and strength to make it to another day and guess what when you do that you have everything you need within you to get what it is that you want so thank you Facebook love you let's stay connected I want you to go over to the audacity of marriage group and make sure you join because 2017 is going to be exactly what you need to give you what you want for your life and for your marriage goodnight

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 55,294

Rating: 4.8736844 out of 5

Keywords: marriage help, realtionship guide, relationship expert, couples academy, hasani pettiford, danielle pettiford, hasani, pettiford, couples, academy, infidelity, sex, marriage, relationship, love, advice, romance, romantic, cheating, affairs, counseling, infidelity specialist, mend the marriage, dating, marriage 101, recover, rebuild, betrayal, emotional affair, trust, survive, problems, danielle, infidelity recovery specialist, divorce prevent, marriage coach, how to save, long term impact, betrayed

Id: jpuWxdjePi8

Length: 24min 8sec (1448 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 19 2017