The 3 Components of EVERY Affair

all right everyone in today's video we're going to be talking about the three components of an affair and I think that this is an extremely important conversation to have because often times when I find myself sitting in front of couples I played the role of a referee because often there are differences in terms of how they view things different perspectives different ideas they are as far as the East is from the West in terms of agreeing upon what constitutes an affair and oftentimes they get caught up in these words so some like to use the term cheating others infidelity others adultery because there are behaviors associated with each word so for instance if if I cheated on you it's because I had a one-night stand but if I was in an adulterous affair it means it was more of a long-term full on relational type of betrayal and so if we get caught up in dissecting and fragmenting and and differentiating behaviors with certain words what were ultimately doing is we're minimizing the impact of the betrayal or we're choosing to maximize the impact of the betrayal depending upon what side of the betrayal you're on and so to avoid all confusion that the fact is whether it was a one-night stand whether it was an emotional connection that did not result in sex whether it was a porn addiction whether it was a cyber sex whether it was a full-on six month one year five year 20-year relationship it is all ultimately the same thing in terms of the impact that that has on the spouse once they discover what it is it's a betrayal and so the betrayal typically has three components to it the first component of an affair is what we will call secrecy secrecy is a major major major component if there is no secrecy and your partner is aware of what you're doing now we're talking about something different we're talking about an open relationship we're talking about something very uniquely different but if you're hiding it if you're keeping it if it's a secret if it's the action then that is one of the components of an affair and people will go to all lengths to hide what it is that they're doing the reason why people are deceptive is because of shame and guilt okay because of if this comes out there may be consequences associated with the behavior like I may lose my spouse I may lose my marriage I may lose my family and I'm not in this affair because I want to leave anything isn't that weird it may sound kind of confusing but people don't cheat because they want to leave people often cheat because they want to stay if they wanted to leave they would just leave but leaving isn't that easy some people have emotionally left the relationship though they want to remain in the marriage because of all the benefits associated with the relationship and so therefore deception is allowing them to quote unquote have the best of both worlds they can be in what they consider to be a committed marriage in terms of all the things that go along with that finances lifestyle we have children together and things of that nature but they are still able to feel alive and free and connected to someone in a relationship and so that's why they hold on to the secret and so whether they're using fake emails or creating fake social media accounts or whether they're using burner phones or whether they're saying that they're going to work early or staying late or using friends as alibis there's an incalculable number of things that people do in order to hide a secret and to be deceptive it's interesting I talk to people all the time I'm involved in forums I have conversations and yet there are new technologies that are coming out that allow people to hide their truth so if you are deceiving your partner if you are giving false impressions if there's an omission of truth if you are flat-out lying to your partner that is that is an example or a component of an affair the second component of an affair is what we will call emotional involvement now this where it gets kind of tricky because some would say well it was a one-night stand I didn't care for this person I didn't like this person I didn't love this person and so I want to draw a distinction between being emotionally connected to and a feeling or an emotion that you experience in the affair they're two different things so there's been an evolution of infidelity there was a time when Affairs were very transactional so either I'm paying for sex or listen over there I'm crossing a boundary to come over to you to engage in a transaction and then I come back along the other side but now because of Technology social media specifically and because of the workforce how men and women are now working together those two major breakthroughs have allowed for more male-female interaction and so we're in close proximity to one another we're engaging in conversation we're spending more time together and so we're moving from transactional Affairs to relational Affairs and oftentimes these relationships start out as what we will call platonic but because there aren't clear boundaries and borders and parameters that we have in our relationship it's easy to wind up going too far we call them close call friendships and when I'm spending five minutes a day communicating with my wife because in the morning I leave and I'm racing off to work and I'm saying my quick goodbyes and when I come home from an exaustive day of work I'm tired and spent and I rather veg out on TV or read a book or scroll through my phone I'm not spending quality time with my spouse yet I go to work every day for eight to ten to twelve hours spending quality time having deep conversation so whether it's work or whether I'm serving in ministry along with someone whether I'm frequenting a particular location like a gym or a club and I'm coming in contact with a member of the opposite sex that I'm engaging in conversation with whatever the case may be I'm forming and developing these relationships and these are about a relationship is the ability to relate me there's something in common that draws you together a common like a common passion a connection and as a result of that it develops into an emotional connection thus developing into emotional entanglement and then can lead to an emotional affair and an emotional affair is when your heart and your mind is connected to that person and as a result of that connection it can lead to a sexual affair doesn't have to but it can so if you're wondering what's worse emotional Affairs or sexual affairs it really depends they are just as bad for different reasons and the impact on that spouse can be just as great so that's an example of being emotionally connected and tied to someone and so most people try to minimize that oh they were in love with that person but if they have butterflies if they have that feeling of newness that you have when you first start a relationship if you're longing for conversation if at night you're secretly texting if you're in great anticipation of a conversation of a connection of any interaction with that person that is an example of a strong emotional tie or affair that could it be love but if not love if it's not love it doesn't make it any less damaging because if something that you have with that person that you probably do not have with your spouse at that particular time this is the difference between loving your spouse and being in love with another person and so the in love feeling is emotional however if you do not love if you don't have strong emotional attachments for that person there's another type of emotional involvement that you receive it is the emotions that you feel as a result of this affair for instance even if it's a one-night stand when I'm engaging in a one-night stand am i doing it because it's not pleasurable am i doing it because I don't like it am i doing it because I hate it no I'm doing it because it brings me some form of physical emotional mental satisfaction so if I can experience that in a one-night stand imagine what a casual sexual relationship with someone feels like I have a I have an understanding they know I'm not going anywhere I'm committed to my spouse but yet we come together and we have an arrangement so there's something that I gained from that experience there's a feeling of freedom a feeling of newness a feeling of electricity that races through my body there is a feeling of I don't know a passion that I once had that I no longer feel think about it when you first get in a relationship there's two things that draw you in physical attraction emotional desirability now that you feel like you don't have that in your marriage you're going to now experience that with someone else so I feel so in essence the affair may not be because I'm searching for another person the affair may exist because I'm searching for someone inside myself who I've hidden and suppressed since I've said I do or I'm longing to meet who I've never met before that has never come out and this affair allows a different part of me to come out and I like who this person is and I'm in search of that person and I want to experience that person this affair allows me to do it so the emotions that I feel as a result of this act is what causes me to do it that is the second component of an affair emotional involvement the third component is what we will call sexualized energy or sexual energy so it's quite clear that if you're in a full-blown affair whether it's a one-night stand long-term relationship that's sexual there's a sexual component to it but what if there is no sex what if it's just emotional what if it's just inappropriate conversations a lot of times these conversations are sexualized right so we're talking about what we would do if we could do but we won't do because we can't do and so therefore they just remain energized sexually energized relationships and so the reality is when you think about affairs a lot of times it's not just about the sex but it is the longing for it's the anticipation of is that the desire to experience and all of those pieces and parts make up for a sexualized energy so whether we're being playful and we're flirtatious and we're sharing pictures and and in talking about the nature of sex or actually engaging ourselves in an actual experience it is all sexual energy okay so if you are trying to determine what you are involved in if you're minimizing the behavior or if your spouse is maximizing the behavior if you're getting caught up in whether this is a one-night stand whether it's an emotional affair whether it's a full-blown affair if it has these three components component number one once again is what we will call secrecy component number two emotional involvement component number three sexual energy if those three components fit into your behavior you are in an affair you are in involvement infidelity you are in a cheating relationship and so there it is so if this video was helpful for you do yourself a favor and subscribe to the channel also visit our website at couples academy org and set up a free discovery call today

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 9,774

Rating: 4.9406528 out of 5

Keywords: infidelity, marriage counseling, infidelity in marriage, affair recovery, cheating spouse, The 3 Components of EVERY Affair, esther perel, td jakes

Id: KP5bxTHwZ3U

Length: 12min 9sec (729 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 28 2020