8 Ways To Restore Your Marriage After Infidelity

good morning everyone welcome to the couples academy show my name is hassani and i'm danielle and every morning you should know this we come to you for 30 minutes to give you inspiration information transformation in the area of your relationship and so we're excited that this is monday monday monday hopefully you had an amazing weekend i know that we did we did we had a phenomenal weekend working with some of these phenomenal couples from all around the world at the last chance weekend tell them what was super exciting about it it was great because we had couples from all over the country uh tune in with us and they were able to restore their relationship and take things to the next level you know what people had who have been dealing with challenges in their relationship and were looking for a community to be a part of uh that they could glean from and so the the relationships that were established the the the breakthrough that came through was just transformation i think it's crazy because people have so much apprehension about the group experience and from what i've experienced what we've experienced in our marriage and what so many people find out after going through is that they wouldn't choose any other way the group experience is the most transformational experience you're gonna get because not only are you working on your own issues in private sessions apart from the group but you are in a group and you get to glean and learn so much together and it's not an exposing situation it's not like we stick you in the circle and everybody gets to tell us all your business it's nothing like that it's actually very private but also there's so much information that is transpired that transpires or comes across throughout the session you come out a brand new person with so much more insight more empathy and sympathy for your spouse it's phenomenal and that's what we that was the feedback i'm not just saying don't just take my word from it that's the feedback from our groups whenever we do it so it's an exciting thing to be a part of and maybe you are ready to sign up for a last chance weekend we have one coming up uh it's going to be february the 19th through the 21st just look in the description people say i'm not finding it where is it on the website we made it easy for you it's in the description underneath the video click the link find out more information about it but we're excited today guys we have a great topic for you but before we do so make sure you like share and subscribe hit that notification bell so that you do not miss a show guys when there are people who you know need to hear this type of content you guys write to us all the time we get messages all the time and you talk about your neighbors and their this and your that and how do what do i do how do i tell my friend tell them about the couples academy show we're on live every day monday through friday and we even have q and a fridays so tell your friends and then they'll like share and subscribe and hit the notification bell all right guys let's get it be right back we're hasani and danielle pedofort founders of couples academy a private practice dedicated to saving marriages around the world we're not just recognized authorities on relationships we're a real couple with real problems who almost call the clicks i was very frustrated i became very disconnected very um jaded and and cold we have four children going on 20 years of marriage and we practice what we preach our mission to change the way couples relate to one another and teach them the skills needed to improve the quality of their relationships this is the couple's academy show [Music] all right guys we're back listen today's topic we're going to jump right in we are talking about eight ways to restore your marriage after an affair but before we go there i definitely want to say hello to my people good morning everyone thank you for joining us and good morning jackie ronald ebony jaguar and you're from nairobi kenya wow that's a long ways away i wonder what time it is there um good to see you tahira 24. uh we've got chandelle hardin lashon kiara j luisa good morning everybody don't forget to put where you're coming from lashawn i see you from ohio on this side of the world welcome everybody thank you for joining us so we're talking about how to end uh how to restore a marriage after infidelity and we're going to go through the eight ways to do that and the reason why this is important is because people want a better relationship but they just don't know what to do so maybe i was the one who came to my wife and i said babe let's sit down we have to have a conversation um i have to share with you something that's happened that i'm grieved over and that becomes d-day or maybe your spouse finds out about it on their own they discover something or maybe the affair partner reaches out to your spouse at the end of the day you have to pick up the pieces because there's life after an affair and most people don't know what to do and they don't want to seek help they want to figure it out on their own and they think they have the best of intentions but as they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions so let's walk through these eight steps step number one uh we have to end the affair completely completely now this may seem obvious but you'd be surprised that some people struggle with creating proper boundaries and knowing how to effectively end an affair they think that you know what it was inappropriate but we could still be friends right how about we somehow transition from something sexual to something social and remove the emotional and you can't forget it's like looking in the mirror and walking away you don't forget what you just saw you just saw it right right yeah things that you experience as a child you remember that and so to think that you can go from something that's inappropriate to something that's now appropriate you're deceiving yourself and i think it's key to say that most of the times they do not realize exactly how they need to end the fair completely because you know you have guilt too you might think well i put this person in this position i don't want to hurt their feelings you have all these reasons why you think you don't have to take specific steps to make sure that it is crystal clear to the affair partner that it is over and often times we'll do it in our way right we'll just in the fair we won't even say anything we'll disconnect and then you you know running run into the person in the street and now it's a problem so there is actually a process by which you must go by to clarify not only to the affair partner but to your spouse openly that this affair is completely ended yeah you've got to send the proper messaging you've got to shut down all forms of communication there's a number of things you have to do if you haven't done it do it immediately so that you don't know how to find out there it is boom all right let's go to number two okay number two take 100 responsibility for the affair now that's a big one because when you think about the the fact that you got caught a lot of times right that's really when we want to uh acknowledge the affairs when we get caught and then the her partner is going to say things like well would you have told me if you didn't get caught are you remorseful because you got caught what if i never found out would you have continued on so it's different when you take in responsibility when you got caught versus actually just owning up to it and you have both sides you have sometimes where the person actually they can't take it anymore they can't handle lying and sneaking and cheating anymore and so they actually will come clean with it but whatever the process make sure that you do all that is necessary to acknowledge every bit of the responsibility and eliminate the blame yes i think that's huge the blame piece because what happens is a lot of times well the reason i cheated is because you don't or you always and they're pointing the finger at their partner making them responsible for why they did what they did which is entirely ridiculous like here's the reality there are things that we can't deny that we're not right in the relationship right both of you have contributed to the vulnerability that uh took place in that relationship but you have to take 100 responsible 100 responsibility for your actions because at the end of the day uh if i was in this relationship too i didn't cheat right so so so uh you have to take responsibility for how you dealt with your issue yeah that we were experiencing that point i was in this relationship too and i didn't cheat that speaks to the fact that just because issues were in the relationship does not give you license to cheat and a lot of times that's what happens and that's why i said take complete responsibility and not blame because did you think that the relationship was perfect for me it wasn't perfect for me so if it wasn't perfect for me and or you that doesn't give you the right to cheat and that's what we're talking about acknowledging your part in it and not pointing the fingers at your spouse has anything to do with why you stepped out absolutely point number three attempt to empathize with your spouse this is a big one because uh to what you just mentioned a lot of people don't feel like their partner shows remorse a lot of people feel like their partner doesn't understand what they're going through and we've talked about this before like i can respect the physical wound because i see you in a brace and a cast i see you limping i see you on crutches and so if you hit a certain part of your body uh where that wound is and you react i get that that makes logical sense but emotional wounds are intangible i can't see it i don't understand it it doesn't make sense so sometimes i'm thinking well god lee is it really that bad or you should be beyond here by now like my god how long does it really take and when i see you sobbing i don't get it when i see you in rage i'm shocked and i don't get it and what you don't understand is that your spouse is going through a flood of emotions and from one moment to the next moment these emotions may shift and change there's something called the emotional scale and on that emotional scale you can experience rage or anger you could experience sadness or depression you can experience a numbness you could be fine one day because guess what today's a beautiful day the sun is shining you have a new lease for life but then you're triggered by something you saw on television and now you're in a dark place and it's like an emotional roller coaster and you have to understand that this is the space that your partner is in until they get their healing and so while you just want them to get over it and just move forward there's a process to go through to get there easier said than done this is the power of being a part of the academy especially the moving forward program because a lot of the stuff that we're saying to you just will not come to you naturally because in general we just tend to be selfish people you know self-centered and self-uh preserving in nature we are right so when i've hurt you i i've hurt myself too understand that when you hurt someone you're also hurting yourself and you feel that pain that guilt right that self-loathing all of that is pain that you've inflicted upon yourself and so now you're in self-preserving mode so when i see the my hurt partner acting out i'm defensive now because i'm protecting my hurt i haven't dealt with my hurt these are the things that you have to become aware of about yourself how you're operating how you're showing up in a relationship after the affair you may not even realize it because the truth is is that the hurt partner is actually anchored to the pain anchored to the offense anchored to the affair that they had no part in their anchor to it emotionally mentally and even physically because they have physical responses whereas the offending partner they're trying to get as far away mentally physically prayerfully prayerfully physically and emotionally as possible they're trying to get away fast right there's a disconnect there if i'm anchored and i have nothing to do with it you're the one that had something to do with it and you're trying to get as far away from it as possible you're leaving me yeah i'm anchored to it so that empathy is so important and this is why we talk about you know getting your enneagram done and understanding your personality styles so that you know how to connect and talk and why they feel the way that they feel and where you're conflicting and all of these things are so important but that's what we teach in the academy we help you understand these things so that you know what to do we truly just don't know what to do absolutely we don't know how to do these relationships we never learned how to do this you know when i was a kid i remember sometimes i would go in my dad's closet and i take his shoes out and i'd take his suits while he's at work and now you know i'm a kid right so i'm putting my feet in his shoes i'm putting on this big old jacket and i'm seeing what it's like to be my dad right i'm i'm trying to walk through his journey to see what that's like and uh that's exactly what we have to do in this recovery process like showing empathy towards your spouse simply means walking in their shoes right feeling what they feel seeing what they see because when you can begin to do that you have an understanding and i think a lot of times people make it about themselves they they don't want to deal with it they just want to move forward because they're dealing with their own shame and their own guilt but wait a minute i get that but you have a responsibility to show off for your spouse in a particular way to help him or her heal that becomes your number one responsibility in this recovery process to help your spouse heal you can't do their work they can't do your work but both of you working together in the healing process get you to a place of restoration all right let's go to number four four recommit to your husband or your wife and that seems self-explanatory obviously you need to recommit how do you recommit well that depends on what the details of the affair are it's so specific right how we all are are all interacting it just depends if my spouse that i've hurt is like ready to get out the door i'm gonna go about things differently if they're trying to leave if they're willing to work with me then i have something to work with we can jump right in at the end of the day what you really need is to get yourself into some coaching and some counseling to know exactly what to do because i see couples do it wrong all the time um you know going into separations they think they need to just separate right it's not controlled there's no rules you make mistakes when you step out so there is a process by which you need to reconcile but obviously that's step number one and i think that's so critical to understand right so we hear this all the time you know my spouse wants to work it out but he doesn't want to go to counseling yeah they say they don't want to leave the marriage but they're not willing to go and see anybody they don't want to go do an intense it's just like well where's the commitment the commitment is in the process if you and and let me tell you something if you're the one who wants your spouse to go through something and they refuse to go well guess what that's the prerequisite to get back in relationship with me because if you don't go through a process where you heal and restore the relationship all you're doing is signing up for more of the same and that's not what we're in this for like i don't want the same relationship we had i don't want the same marriage we had i want something completely different but you're not going to snap a finger and become a new version of yourself oh my goodness it is impossible it's impossible and i think we over estimate our ability to fix it and just get it right no it takes a process and and whatever got you in that situation is going to take you just as much time to get out of it my question is always do you really want what you say that you want do you really want it because you're coming to us saying you want to save these relationships but then you have so many apprehensions about how the process is going to go what's it going to look like i'm not i don't want any i hear we hear this a lot i don't want another man telling me how to treat my wife yes you know like these things you're so concerned with the how and we're over here trying to help you focus on the what you want to restore your marriage so you got to go on what we like to talk about is the blind trust walk you don't know the way it's going to feel awkward and strange for you you don't know the way and so since you don't know the way you put your marriage in the hands of somebody else that does and you take that blind trust walk and allow somebody to lead you down the course you will get to a destination a definite destination when you do the work and that's that's the big thing there i think people are so overly concerned about well what am i going to have to give up what am i going to have to do how much am i going to have to be exposed if i'm going to truly recommit all of it every bit of it you are going to peel every layer of your onion off and find the root of all these problems so that you can be a better person excellent point point number five be completely honest and tran uh and transparent with your spouse and you know this is the foundation of it all like every step that we take in the recovery process is a trust building uh exercise if you will so when we go through the recovery when we go through the full disclosure process it's trust building when we end the affair with the proper messaging it's trust building when we establish boundaries uh for what's appropriate when dealing with members of the opposite sex it's trust building everything that we do is for the purpose of restoring trust and if you don't do that then it's going to be a problem so you've got to be transparent with your spouse about any and all and it starts off when talking about the details of the affair listen guys i know it's painful i know it doesn't feel good but if you want your spouse to begin to trust you then you've got to be transparent because if you hold on to those secrets and hold on to those truths and you take them to the grave how can your spouse believe that you're any different today than who you were when you were involved in it because you're still keeping that stuff a secret which means you're compartmentalizing aspects of your life from your partner so that means you and your affair partner share intimacies that your spouse is not aware of and how can they believe that anything will ever change so in essence you have to open up your world and be completely transparent about anything we say this all the time we have a public life a private life and a secret life the world knows about your public life your spouse your children your close friends know about your private life but those secret things that you've allowed others into in but you haven't allowed your spouse into if you want to begin to restore that trust you have to bring them into your private life and that's what intimacy is all about and you know the other thing i want to add when it comes to a discovery of an affair um you know a lot of times the other person knew you know you suspected all along you said things and there was so much denial along the way and then when the affair comes out the spouse that's been hurt just wants to know everything now just just come out with all of it the worst most painful kind of truth is trickled truth it's just like ripping i mean pulling slowly a band-aid off right we would much rather you just rip it off it's like a quick sting it's exposed now i can get a scab and heal properly but when you start peeling it away it literally snatches every single hair and you feel each hair individually it's so much better to just be transparent and come clean and we have the process here where we actually have you do the full disclosure and it's a safe place so that nobody feels like it's it's listen you're going to feel some kind of way exposing the truth you should right you're going to deal with a lot of things you're going to deal with shame you're going to deal with embarrassment all these things are going to happen but it's going to happen all at once so that the truth comes out once and for all and you can move forward and that is key absolutely all right guys the next point and then we're going to go some of the comments because there's a lot of comments protect your spouse from the details that will haunt their mind that's that's a huge one because oftentimes you know uh their truth that you want to share but you want to be responsible in the truth that you give like even the one who's demanding certain facts and details you have to ask yourself is this going to help or is this going to hurt harm or hinder because i can't get the thought out of my mind i can't remove it from my brain i can't unlearn what i have learned and so it's very critical that you learn how to be delicate enough to share details and be transparent without it crippling your spouse or crippling the relationship and it takes practice i mean this is something it's just like anything else if you've been spending two years being in an affair lying and cheating and sneaking and living a double life obviously being transparent and honest is not going to be your natural knee-jerk reaction you're going to need some coaxing you're going to need some support you're going to actually need some tactics and some tips and some tools on how to do that and we support you in that way and i think that's a good point danielle because you've been forming a habit for a period of time and just as habits are developed habits have to be broken so it's not a switch you just turn on and turn off to say all right i'm gonna be honest now yeah well you've been dishonest for as long as the affair has been there so to your point yes you have to begin to do it consistently repeatedly and the more you do it the easier it becomes the more comfortable you become with it and the reason why a lot of times we're lying to our spouses is because really we're lying to ourselves we're living in self-deception and self-deception is a setup for a fall so when you become authentic and genuine about who you are you're able to have a level of freedom because you can share those issues with your spouse there's a comment up here i want to read this from tahira 24 it says thank you so much you two are anointed for this i cannot thank you both enough for what you've done for my husband and i we are forever grateful and i want to start acknowledging those comments more um you guys are always saying such wonderful things about us and we appreciate those compliments we really do thank you for saying that it's it's it's our our story it's almost like our our heart and our pain all wrapped up into what we do so when when when we know that it's serving people it really just touches us in a really sweet spot so thank you for saying that um we have some other comments in here let's get down here michelle says he acknowledged that he cheated now he says we were separated when we really were were not but was working to put the marriage back together so essentially they were separated just like what we said you know people will separate themselves when they're going through issues in their relationship and there's no ground rules and so what ends up happening is you're separated you're living over here he's living over there and you're off doing the things that you typically do because there's been no reconciliation there's been no support to help especially the affair partner change their habits of course if there was cheating inside the marriage living under the same roof when you separate uncontrolled the cheating is likely to continue and that's why we say you don't make these decisions on your own because just like you didn't know how to operate in your marriage and function properly and why you ended up here it's the same case when you start trying to self medicate and self you know correct your marriage without support but i'm grown i can do what i want to do i i'm a growing individual i can make my own decisions being grown doesn't mean that you're well equipped to make decisions just because i'm grown doesn't mean i can fly a plane just just because i've grown doesn't mean you know what i'm saying yes it doesn't mean i could just you know open up a hood and change the transmission because i'm grown right so it takes more than that it takes knowledge it takes skill set it takes know-how right that's just like you're just cause you're growing doesn't mean you're gonna do a surgery on me exactly open up my body and give me a lung replacement i mean that's that's such a powerful point because we always do say i'm grown i'm a grown woman i'm a grown man i can do what i want to do no you can't do what you want to do if you want to be successful if you want to boom if you want to get it danielle you almost made me drop my mic this is what i deal with if you want to do things right if you want to be to be a winner then you got to get under somebody who's going to coach you on how to win i mean athletes man they have the best coaches the trainers they make sure that they eat right they exercise at the right time they get the right amount of sleep their coach makes sure that they are a winner and that's how they get to these big leagues if you want to be a big leaguer marriage then you need marriage support that's gonna be our next book the big league marriage i'm saying let's step out of amateur and become pros at this thing i'm trying to be a big leaguer what we got a lot of questions you want to go to another one hold on one second but listen level number step number seven seek help with uh the healing of your own heart listen this is critically important uh if you were the person who violated the relationship don't think that it's just your spouse who needs to be healed you need to be healed because your hurt your pain your brokenness uh uh caused you to do what you did in the first place and it created her pain and brokenness in your spouse and i think that we don't take enough time to work on ourselves to heal ourselves to become the best version of ourselves one of the things that i love about people who are an alcoholic anonymous they count their days the significance of counting your days is that often times i'm sorry wrong point the significance of counting your days is the fact that it's a reminder of wait a minute i was once in a broken state and i'm counting my days every single day that reminds me that i could slip back into my past transgressions if i'm not conscious and intentional and in my day i have to do such and such which will lead to the next day and so the goal is to be counting your days and to not start from scratch if we took that same concept and applied it to our own personal recovery process a lot of us would be a whole lot further than where we are so heal your own heart um individuals so that you can be the best person to your spouse because there's a reason why you do what you do right it doesn't mean that you know what it is it could be very much unconscious buried deep down within right it's your job it's all of our jobs that's i feel like that's part of the big purpose of us being here is to we've all been hurt we don't get to escape it we come into this world and we are flawed and issues have arrived as a result of birth and then to put injury to or more injury to hurt however you say that we are already birthed as flawed because we're sinful just because we're born and then we're put into the arms of somebody who who else is flawed they're flawed too and they're doing the best that they can to help raise you but guess what they they have their issues and their idiosyncrasies so now you're a child in the arms of a flawed being so we already came here with some stuff to overcome so it's our job to do the work unearth that stuff figure out why am i the way that i am here it is get your healing so that now you're two whole people coming together let's go to the last point and then we want to go back to the comments point number eight express gratitude to your spouse listen the fact of the matter is your spouse is still here they haven't gone anywhere uh they may be having a very difficult time but yet they are still here and you have to show gratitude for their willingness to stay their willingness to work through and if you are not acknowledging what they're doing if you're not taking the time to operate in thanksgivingness if you just shut down it and have this attitude of entitlement you ain't going nowhere you know it can be very dismissive and it will turn them off it may cause them to really question why they actually doing this yeah like so you saying i'm signing up to be with the same arrogant prick right that did what they did in the first place like where's the remorse where's the compassion where's the empathy where's the gratitude like thank me joker and even if it's not that bad because that that extreme exists it does exist oh yeah but even if it's not that bad just the fact that i stayed you know show gratitude don't forget that like it's okay once in a while to come back to the conversation say i just really you know when the moment is when it calls for it you know i just really appreciate that you gave me another chance like don't forget that do you realize that every year there will be an anniversary of d-day every year you're going to have d-day anniversary and your spouse who was hurt is going to think about wow this is when i found out so in that way you should recognize and make sure that you acknowledge your spouse you know all the time like i just want to thank you and to that point danielle because of that d-day anniversary that's why you want to be intentional as you're approaching that date uh to change um the experience you want them to remember something uniquely new you want them to remember something pleasant you want them to member to remember a great experience that you've shared so you've got to look at that time period that season that entire month to really double down and be intentional to help restore the relationship even further so that they're not going all the way back to the beginning they're going back to the previous year when you did this amazing thing to restore that relationship and give them the love that they ultimately desire so great point here's a question uh if i can get it up here question is there another place to leave comments oh the comments that are being read from danielle and hassani i don't see them here in the live chat so here's the deal guys you are tuning in from multiple places right so if you're on youtube you're only going to see what's in the youtube chat if you're on facebook you're only going to see what's in the facebook chat we see everything all here but another way that you can reach out to us is to text us at 678-200-8996 you can text us there but in order for you to see all the comments that are coming in you'll see that in the replay right because all of them will come in uh in terms of the ones that we select that we're going to view but yeah because we're in different communities and different spaces and platforms you're only going to see what's in your particular community okay let's go to the standstill my ex-wife uh had an affair i tried to fix things for two years and she didn't care or want to fix it and sadly the person who who cheated has to be willing to want to fix it too she cheated on the affair partner with her new boyfriend shaking my head i agree with accepting people's flaws i mean this is we're dealing with flawed broken people here at the end of the day i mean whatever the story is whatever the journey there's still hope there's always hope for reconciliation no doubt and that's one thing that we want to get across to you that no matter your situation you can always seek reconciliation and it doesn't always take two people it does take at least one person to start so if that's you make sure you reach out to us we have a free discovery call and i think that's our show it is but before we go listen guys we've been talking about the programs that we have that can be truly transformational to you last uh this weekend we had our last chance weekend and a lot of them are transitioning into our moving forward program because it gives you the support in the community that you need to overcome the challenges that you're going through so listen take a look at this we'll be right back this is the couple's academy show [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] welcome back everybody listen those programs are just a powerful powerful thing for couples to really dive into and get what they need one thing about couples academy is that we are determined to be the holistic approach looking at every angle and doing everything that we can to make sure that couples have a fighting chance and that's something that we didn't have when we were going through our stuff we were scraping up stuff from all over the place and we want to bring you all the resources that we can one of the biggest highlights of our last chance weekend was the enneagram assessment session where people got a chance to understand things about their spouses that they never understood before we've even got the moving forward program that that we were mentioning that clients are moving into and that's just a great way to to have the support that you need so that somebody is holding you accountable there are lessons there are tips there are tools there's so much support there so check it out okay make sure that you check these things out to see what it is that you can pull and you need this is great showing up through this show every day you're getting your feet you're getting fed every morning it's like getting your morning tea your morning due but you got to take it the next step further so that you can really get the results that you want so guys we love you we will see you in the morning and if there are some topics that you want us to talk about just throw it in the chat text us let us know we're here to meet the needs that you have for your life and for your relationship see you in the morning love you guys take care if you would like to be a guest on our show or if you're interested in one of our restoration programs contact us today at couplesacademy.org [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 6,328

Rating: 4.9464288 out of 5

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Id: 3Qhnx-I5haA

Length: 34min 40sec (2080 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 25 2021