Relationship Patterns That Lead To Infidelity

good evening everyone just want to welcome you to another Facebook live so happy to have each and every one of you with us tonight I'm excited about our message there's a lot that I want to cover and so as people calling in or actually tuning in just want to give you a brief introduction of Who I am some of you are familiar with me some of you may not be but my name is Hasani Pettiford and I'm the co-founder of couples Academy couples Academy is a relationship based learning Institute that's committed to helping couples by placing them on the path to fulfillment I've been fortunate enough hey Paula to have written 14 books as you know my latest one the audacity of marriage 10 principles of lifelong partnership has just been released you can go to amazon.com right now and get the paperback or the Kindle I posted three television shows I've been on CW network t1 BT does a number of different network cbn and excited to really have this interpersonal relationship with each and every one of you to the form of Facebook so tonight we're going to be talking about infidelity but this time we want to discuss marital patterns or relationship patterns that contribute to an affair a lot of times we're doing things unbeknownst to us that actually get our relationship in trouble and create a vulnerability if you will create a whole a wedge a gap and so what we have found is that when you look at most marriages today upwards of 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce and so that implies that there's an additional 50 percent who remain together but the question becomes how happy are those couples we know that there's 30 percent of them who have experienced a social or emotional divorce so if you count the 50 who have experienced a legal divorce and the 30 percent who've experienced a social or emotional divorce that is 80 percent of all marriages who go through some type of divorce that also implies that there's 20% of all married couples who have somehow figured it out gotten it right and so we want to talk about what causing so many couples to fall into these pitfalls and these traps that ultimately lead to an affair so if you're watching right now I want you to share this video you may not have experienced infidelity in your relationship but I'm sure that you know someone who has she'll share this video right now with everyone who you believe could benefit from three maro patterns we're not going to be on too long marital pattern or if you're not married relationship pattern number one that can lead to an affair is what we will call the windshield wipers okay well what is the windshield wipers if any of you have a vehicle that you drive and it's ever snow or rain typically you would turn on your windshield wipers because your windshield wipers what wipe away the rain or the snow that hits your windshield so that you can clearly see and if you look at the movement of my hands many couples operate just like this from a distance it looks like there's a perfect couple there a power couple if you will they have skill sets they flow they function but really that is the nature of their relationship they can come together and perform tasks and do things well this is a relationship where their focus or their dynamic point would be their partnership not their companionship so when it comes to tasks duties obligations oh they cannot get out these are examples of people who have written marriages on paper finances are together bills taken care of kids in school they're planning things for their future but there's no relationship and so we've experienced that many couples the 80% that we were talking about initially had experienced some form of an emotional disconnect when you become emotionally disconnected that's when the potential for danger can happen in your relationship so a windshield wiper right they function well but if you notice on a car or van or an SUV the only time when one windshield wiper touches the next is it one of those windshield wipers breaks and happen so physically collapse into the the windshield likewise in relationships the only time that these couples get close enough to actually touch is when something has actually gone wrong and so they do everything in their power to create that distance because that distance for this couple represents safety the distance for this couple represents familiarity that is almost uncomfortable if we're getting too close and so this is a couple who will create fights and have feuds and will have all types of I don't know intentional arguments to create the distance don't get you close you know it's okay that we function together but I don't want you getting into my heart and get it into my mind and I don't want to become intimate with you you stay over there I'll stay over here we will function in this relationship and what happens is with this emotional disconnect at some point it creates a hunger or an appetite for some type of an emotional connection with another human being and in that particular case that's when we find that people can venture off whether intentionally or unintentionally and wide up in adulterous affairs so marital pattern number one is what we will call the windshield wipers the second merrow pattern that impacts marriages in a tremendous way is what we will call the dial tones now many many many many years ago for all of you Millennials who were on this of Facebook live there was something called a touch-tone phone if you ever heard of a landline if you ever heard of a payphone when you pick it up on the other end of that phone you hear a dial tone and it will be right and so that dial tone which is the same sound that you hear constantly over the course of time the more you hear it it can get quite annoying but a dial tone relationship represents a relationship that is predictable a relationship that is boring a relationship that has become monotonous and we talked about this before how monogamy unfortunately leads to monotony and couples who don't date they don't spend recreational campaign together they don't invest time getting to know each other because as you enter into your relationship you're going to experience different seasons in that relationship which will require you to get to know that person all over again all know let me make this great point here's a great analogy there's something called the moon to earth syndrome okay now if you at night it's nice no matter where you are in the country for the most part if you walk outside or look outside your window into the sky and notice the moon that moon may be a crescent moon it may be a half moon it may be a full moon but what you're seeing is one face or one side of the moon if you wanted to see the other side of the moon you would literally have to travel into space and look down from a different angle to see the other side of the Moon the other side is what is referred to as the Dark Side of the Moon now each of us have a dark side now when I say dark side I do not mean evil or wicked or sinister side but what I mean is an undiscovered side and there are aspects of your partner I don't care how long you've been with them that you haven't discovered you're always learning your partner so if you think well we were good in the dating phase and we really got the chance to know each other and as a result we got married and we figured everything out you're sadly mistaken because not only do you learn information through a question-and-answer but you learn information due what experiences that you had and you'll begin to see different sides different angles different perspectives of your partner so if you think about a 28-day moon cycle you go from a crescent moon to a half moon to a full moon and all types of variations in between you're seeing different slivers and aspects of who that person is and it is through these experiences that you really get to know who that person is so if you are intentional to begin to explore your partner then it makes for great relationships but when you take your partner for granted when you assume that you already know what they're thinking you figure out you know what I can complete their sentences there's nothing new to learn there's nothing new to do and in boredom sets in then that's when it creates what an emotional disconnect because someone is still yearning for excitement did still learn yearning for something new and if they can't find it in their partner they will either intentionally or unintentionally find it in someone else so the second marital pattern is what we will call the dial tones my fault is getting better I appreciate your prayers the third marital pattern is what we've identified as the empty nest syndrome now this is a doozy now if you know anything about having kids the majority you can relate to this so when you got married to your partner you put on your husband hat and your wife hat but as soon as you add that first child all of a sudden you take off your husband and your wife hat and you put on your mommy and your daddy hat so the attention that you want to gave each other you now give to the child the love that you once gave each other you now give to the child the affection that you want to contribute to one another you now give much to the child the resources the finances baby needs braces baby wants to join a football team baby you want to do cheerleading whatever it is you will give up anything and everything to accommodate your child when at some point those resources may have been spent to invest in your marriage and so we know that when it comes to a bank account you can't withdraw if you haven't made a deposit and we have stopped making deposits in one another and we put all of our deposits into a child and so what that does it creates a major issue in the marriage for a couple of reasons number one as couples if I no longer connect with you horizontally because I'm focusing on my vertical relationship with my child then years go by I'm just a partner you're just a partner we're emotionally disconnected so I still am a human with feelings and emotions and desires and if I can't get it mended you because I see you as mom or you see me as daddy I'm going to search or intentionally wind up in an unfortunate relationship with someone else and something made in soup now when that child becomes 18 and leaves the home now you have two parents Oh partners who are strangers in the same household they don't know each other they can't connect they're like strangers living in a household who raise these children now the reason why this is problematic for the child is simply this if a child feels that there's no horizontal love bloom distributed between mom and dad and all the love is being brought down to him or her vertically yes they feel loved but they don't feel like they're in a loving environment and children learn through observation and participation so that's a lot about the lessons you teach your child it's about what you didn't Street in your behavior to your child and what happens is whatever they see in you you become the model that they begin to mirror and so now they will play out in their adult relationships what they saw in their home and so they may have the routine of loving person loving their child and making themselves of the number one responsible partner of being the best the best of mother or their father they can be and secondary would be the best partner but we believe in partners first parents second and you have that foundation then you're able to have emotional connection because it's about giving to the marriage I always say that the best gift that you can ever give your child is a love that the parent has for one another because when they can sense it and feel it in the environment they also benefit from that type of expression so these are the marital patterns now the question is where do you find yourself are you in one of these marital patterns and if you are which one do you closely identify with whichever one you identify with it's time to begin to have conversations and to figure out how you can break the pattern you know one of the greatest movies that I've watched and I share with all of our clients when they come into counseling is a movie called Groundhog Day if you've never seen it watch it if you saw 10-15 years ago watch it again because it talks about life patterns and ultimately here's a man who is stuck in a time work who is trying to get out of this day but every day he woke up it was the same day and so 10 days later it was the same day and he lived the same day for over 33 years and it wasn't until he made changes within himself that his day began to change and likewise when it comes to our relationships we're so focused on wanting to fix the relationship and when you're trying to fix a relationship you're working on something outside of yourself you're not working on you so now you you're working on an entity that has nothing to do with you it represents a commonality or a bond that you have with another person but what we have found is that when you begin to work on you making internal valves within yourself focusing on your own personal growth and self development your spiritual transformation your emotional healing when you become unstuck in certain areas and become the best person that you can be you're in essence breaking the pattern and when the pattern is broken you're able to then create a new pattern and have a new day so many of us have been living the same day in our relationships for the past five 10 15 years and no matter how much we try no matter how much effort we give each other we feel like we'll never get out of this thing is this thing ever going to change are things ever going to get better and I just want to encourage you to let you know that you may be stuck or trapped in a marital pattern that you are unaware of and so sometimes it takes stepping back and reflecting about your situation and figuring out what new knowledge or what new skill you can add to begin to redirect reverse or break the pattern and create one anew so if infidelity is something that you've experienced then you may want to review these patterns if you haven't yet thank God but you want to make sure that you fall into one of these patterns so you don't wind up going down that path so this was a short teaching just to give you something to think about now once again I want you to share this video with whoever you know is struggling with infidelity and can't seem to get over it can't seem to break through from the trauma of the past can't heal can't move forward and is looking for a way out the purpose of these Facebook lives is to give you a nugget of information because with every new video with every article with every blog with every conversation that you have it should allow you to happen aha moment at the end of the day we're all trying to discover the lie of the affair why does this happen like we were in a great relationship and out of nowhere this thing just just took place and I don't understand and can't figure out how we got here and when you are stuck in not understanding the why what happens is it keeps you from properly healing and moving forward and it also makes you vulnerable to the experience having it again because if I don't know how it happened in the first place what's going to prevent me from doing it again if I haven't discovered the why and so here is one indication of what that why actually is so I hope that this was helpful before we go I want to leave you with a few quick announcements if you have an iPhone or an Android I want you to go to your App Store and download the coupled Academy app where you can find our podcasts our videos our articles or blogs we're also going to be uploading these Facebook live videos to that app so that you can stay connected with us if you have any questions that you want to answer you can text it through the app it comes directly to us and we respond if you're interested in a free session feel free to sign up for my do the app or go to Campos Academy org we're excited about that for all of those who are interested in trying to really improve their communication and they feel like that's where the biggest struggle is like I think we can get through this but we're struggling in the area of communication go to our website the audacity of marriage comm and you can get a free chapter from the book help my mouth is killing my marriage it is a phenomenal chapter once again I want to thank you all for being a part of this Facebook live continue to inbox me your questions I'm getting responses all week long from people who are really benefiting from these sessions and asking great questions we are here to serve you we are here because we love you not know you personally but I have invested in your success within your relationship so whatever we can do a couple of Academy we are here for you love you see you next week

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 20,950

Rating: 4.8752785 out of 5

Keywords: marriage help, realtionship guide, relationship expert, hasani, pettiford, couples, academy, infidelity, sex, marriage, relationship, love, advice, romance, romantic, cheating, affairs, counseling, infidelity specialist, mend the marriage, dating, marriage 101, recover, rebuild, betrayal, emotional affair, trust, survive, problems, danielle, infidelity recovery specialist, divorce prevent, marriage coach, how to save, relationship patterns that lead to infidelity

Id: k3jgEJNXGfY

Length: 17min 52sec (1072 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 19 2017