Can A Separation Save Your Marriage?

are you going through hard times in your marriage right now are you on the brink of destruction maybe for some of you you want to throw in the towel call it quits just give up because you're looking at your day to day and saying you know what the future's bleak I don't see beyond today I don't see how any of this can turn around and so for some of you you're considering divorce for some of you you're considering a separation well today I want to talk to you about can splitting up save your marriage we live in a society today when something is broke rather than fixing it you replace it with something brand-new we treat our cars that way we treat our appliances that way we treat pretty much everything that way even including our spouses and so when we come across hard times and we'll be filled as if there's no hope for the future we think that the best thing to do is just to count our chips you know cut the loss move forward start a new life and I want to let you know that it doesn't have to be that way and so if you're considering divorce or considering the separation let me introduce a concept to you that maybe you haven't heard before it's called a controlled separation now typically when you hear the word separation separation is one step closer to divorce it's just a process that we have to go through before we completely end it and depending upon the state that you live in there are different requirements in terms of the legalities of what you can and cannot do that will allow you to divorce but I want to introduce something called a controlled separation or a trial separation that has a different purpose in essence while separations are used to lead to divorce a controlled separation is simply for the purpose of taking a break figuring some things out and then determining if we can come together in a much better place to continue on with the marriage think about when you're in a relationship you've heard the difference between a breakup and taking a break right well we're just taking a break right now because we just need to assess some things when to clear our minds we need to to get on the same page so that we can then come back it's not an official breakup it's not the complete termination of the relationship it's just pushing pause to reevaluate what a controlled separation is the same way and many people do it because there's so much conflict there's so much hostility in the home it is just not a safe environment right now there's a negative mood and tone and atmosphere in the household and each other's presence is so triggering that it's just not a good place to be in maybe every conversation becomes an argument and there's constant conflict there's an emotional rollercoaster and so therefore why don't we just take a pause think through some things and then come back together and so it gives people an opportunity to clear their mind and so what I want to do today is give you some guidelines of what a an effective controlled separation looks like so here are the 12 guidelines for successful controlled separation number one set a time limit well how long should we be separated anyway how long is too long and how much time is not enough great question it is generally recommended that if you're going to do a controlled separation knowing that the purpose is to become the best version of yourself so that you can have the best relationship together that you can ever have then two to six months is what is considered standard and there's a lot that goes into that timeline finances is an issue a children are an issue and just what you two as a couple agree is enough time to really dig in deep to make this effective and so two to six months generally speaking 60 to 90 days is the window that I like to stay in when I'm working with couples because it's just enough time to really feel it okay guideline number two you must come to an agreement on dating outside the relationship I would say that emphatically the answer should be no there is no dating anyone else see what happens is while we're separated we're not in a committed relationship we're not in the same home I've got my freedom I've got my time I can do whatever I want I can date this person I can have sex with that person and what you're doing is confusing the situation and going from bad to worse if you're really evaluating is this a relationship worth restoring you can't bring another individual into your world because that further confuses things because that new think about it new is sexy so if I meet somebody new I'm looking at all of the wonderful things about this person because we have a tendency of putting our best foot forward so we're only going to show the best of who we are in that dating season and so as I see this other person's great qualities it's gonna remind me of all the things that I don't like about my spouse and then it further confuses things now I'm stuck do I a search for the new or do I stick with a no that doesn't make me happy in the first place and then when you bring sex into the equation as we know sex is not just sex you bring in your heart your mind your soul your emotions your everything into that experience and once you become sexually and emotionally entangled in another person it creates even more of a emotional disconnect you're already geographically disconnected but an emotional disconnect from your spouse so I would think that as a rule there should be an upfront agreement that neither of you will entertain members of the opposite sex and just for clarity we're talking about engaging in sex we're talking about dating we're even talking about friends see we can justify what is she's just a friend you know she's just somebody that I talked to well there's been an evolution of infidelity in typically speaking most affairs aren't typically transactional they are relational so they start off as platonic and then transition into something that is what we will call inappropriate because feelings and thoughts and all types of things begin to be expressed and then you realize that they're coming out and you begin to like what you see and like the connection and so it completely confuses things so you should not be contacting old partners you should not be contacting potential partners you should not be entertaining new relationships really this is a time to so isolate to contain to be alone by yourself in essence thing there are three relationships that we have right we have our vertical relationship with God we have our internal relationship with ourselves and then we have our horizontal relationship with our spouse with our children with our family with our friends this is the time to really take the time to properly maintain develop and master the internal relationship and the vertical relationship and if you've taken advantage of that time you don't have time to entertain anything else or anyone else hope that makes sense guideline number three no attorneys listen you are not pursuing a divorce so therefore you don't need an attorney or having consultations with an attorney to determine what's within your legal right how do you protect yourself we're not talking about divorce we're talking about splitting up to save the marriage and depending upon who you speak to whether it's legal advice financial advice just overall general advice they can wind up talking you out of the agreement that you've established with your partner so this is not a time to be engaging with attorneys guideline number four determine who moves out now most cases generally it's the man who moves out okay so I want to talk to you about moving outside of the home versus moving outside of the bedroom see number one there is a separation where you leave the home so whether you're going to a family members house or friend's house whether you're staying in a hotel and Airbnb really your financial stability will then determine what the best course of action is while some kind can financially make the investment in having two different places think about it if we're if we're separated for two months three months upwards of six months I may need a temporary residence that will have a cost associated with it and so we have the financial means to do that but you know that's what we'll do but if we don't okay and and I can't be on my friend's couch for a number of months some people choose to have an in-house separation because in that house maybe one person stays in the bedroom the other person's in the basement you are separated okay and so you're giving each other space you've given each other time now even though you're not physically there your presence in essence is still there and there are things that you can talk about in order to create space where you don't fill your partner's presence in a healthy way so that you can go about your business doing what you are here to do so determining who moves out and where he or she will go is critically important guideline number five discuss finances as you just mentioned there's a financial cost and burden with separating it's not as expensive as a divorce not just in the divorce proceedings but the long term financial implication of what a divorce will bring there is a strain financially on the couple when they separate so talking about the finances who is going to continue to manage the household bills who is responsible for what these are questions that still need to be done you know addressed and discussed and resolved see you can conclude a conversation without bringing resolution to that conversation so financial resolution is critically important if this thing is going to go well guideline number six is do not interrupt the welfare of the children understand that when a couple is in crisis the children are impacted I don't carry out their infants and consciously don't know what's going on I don't care if they are elementary age middle school high school if they're living in that household they are impacted by what happens and so here's the reality a lot of people say you know what I'm not filling my spouse right now but I'm gonna be the best the best mother I can be or I'm gonna be the best father I can be and I think that's great and I think that when we say that we really lean into that and we mean well but this is what I will say your children will fill your individual love it will go vertically from you down to your children so they'll feel the love for mom and dad but if they don't feel like there's a connection between you two they may not feel as if they exist in a loving environment and that keeps them from feeling safe and secure and depending upon the age of those children a lot of times they will take on and internalize a lot that's going on amongst their parents and sometimes they even take responsibility for what's going on with their parents and it's a very confusing time and the future looks bleak for them and so you too as individuals have to do a good job co-parenting with one another to make sure that those children are taken care of you know as I've always said the best gift that you can give your child is the relationship that you have with your spouse see because children learn through observation and participation so when they are in a loving environment and can see the love between mom and that they feel loved they feel safe so during your separation you definitely want to take the time to spend time as a family you know rather than breaking up the routine of well on Saturdays the family comes together to pour into the children I don't think that that should be interrupted you may have to explain why mommy and daddy are in different rooms or and daddy you know aren't different locations but you need to let them know that what's going on between them as it should not have too much of an impact on what's going on in terms of how you engage with those children so whatever those traditions are whatever those rituals are we would encourage you to either maintain them or create them to create a sense of safety with the children guideline number seven keep it confidential listen you don't have to share everything with everybody because number one not everyone means you well or your relationship well not everyone will have the same opinion or approach as you not everyone will understand your methodology or why you're doing what you're doing you know oftentimes our closest ones family friends associates they love us and they want the best for us and they may be friends to us individually but they may not be friends of the marriage so you have to be really careful who you listen to a lot of times we have a tendency of sharing our problems with people who share our problems and so why would you take advice from someone going through a similar thing or why would you take advice from someone who's not doing well in their relationship and has a track record of that and so you have to be really careful who you open up to you know I do believe that there should be a core group of people that you do share with because they represent individuals who meaning well they can be marriage Mentors they can be very close family friends who are neutral and are biased to you and will give you good with them and good advice because they are friends of your marriage do you understand a difference so really be careful who you share it with not everyone needs to know because if you're in a bad place and you begin to reveal and pour out and share with these individuals the pain that you're going through even if you get to a place where you begin to resolve these issues with your partner and you come back together you're in a better place well guess what your friend or your family member they didn't go through that process so they're still holding on to your pain they're still holding on to your hurt they're still holding on to your perspective at the time that you shared it and you've moved on and move past it but they are still stuck and so now creates all types of issues and is very uncomfortable dealing with this community of people because they knew too much and did not walk through a similar process of restoration that you walk through guideline number eight seek a good therapist counselor or coach remember you don't want to tell everyone but you do want to tell someone someone that can guide you through a process someone who has walked through control separations have walked through dealing with couples who are in crisis have walked through people who are on the verge of divorce because they may have the tools you know I constantly say listen you don't want to just rely upon yourself here's this analogy if you've ever been on the plane before when a plane lifts off of the ground I don't care where it's going it can be going from Atlanta to Los Angeles when that plane lifts off of the ground 90% of its journey is off course the only way that it gets to his final destination there's a radar system in the cockpit guiding that plane so the longitude latitude lines the coordinates is all of those things are constantly being course corrected and adjusted in order to stay on track to stay on the journey to get to the final destination so there was a system in place there was a radar system in place but guess what couples who attempt to restore their relationship on their own 90% of their journey is going to be off course and you will wind up in a place that you may not have anticipated so sometimes it takes a system a radar system a guide to take you through a process to get you to your final destination and that's a restored relationship and so this is a time not to be on the fence as to whether it's worthwhile to get help this the time when you really needed the most and so that's you we heard you call couples Academy set up a free discovery call let's see how we can help you navigate through this process a guideline number nine commit to personal growth in self-development at the end of the day you are the lowest common denominator in every relationship you enter into and I know you're separated right now and I know that you're it's under stress and in crisis because of your partner right it's your partner's fault but you have to realize that when you point the finger at your partner there are three fingers pointing right back at you and so it's a two-way street yes there are things that your partner has done that has gotten you to this place but there are also issues that you brought into the relationship or were created within that relationship that have also created negative patterns which has ultimately created a vulnerability in the relationship so while you're alone maybe you're the betrayed spouse maybe you're the unfaithful spouse whatever side of this process you are on you need your own personal healing you need a process to overcome the issues and the pain and the hurts that you've been dealing with in so working with a counselor therapist or coach individually as well as getting a good book on on self-development going through some system on self-development it will help you to become a better you because when you become a better you you begin thinking different you begin making different decisions you begin operating from a healthier place that gives you the foundation of a long lasting mutually beneficial sustained relationship guideline number 10 spin time together now wait a minute I thought we were separated for two to six months well you are but if you're separated for two to six months and there are no touch points where you to come together some you know one of you will say you know what I'm good this vacation has been good I'm out and it can lead to a further disconnect and a justification to move to divorce meanwhile the other person who's wired to want to connect is going through hell it is a torturous experience because there's no phone cause there's some text messages there's no point of contact I don't know what's going on it's been six weeks I'm full of fear and anxiety and not and so to avoid that on either side it is critically important that you come together regularly now what does that look like there are two days that every couple should come together on weekly your work day your play day see if you're going to a therapist to impact your relationship if you're working on yourself individually you've got to have a touch point where you test things out where you talk things out where you walk things out and there's small incremental steps fall work to get you to a place where then you can fully engage with one another and so if we have 160 hours and a week all I'm requesting is that you spend two hours of that 168 connecting with one another on your work day is the day that you work on the relationship so you're talking about you know what the counselors saying in that session maybe you're working on a document or a form or there's some assignment that you are called to do and it's helping to gain more clarity and give you more closure and help you to communicate through issues that previously you couldn't because you were a very high of you know volatile state then your play day is the day where you just connect it's not about work it's not about digging in and in discussing hard issues but just being linked being casual being free you know kind of reminding yourself Oh what things were like when things were good reminding yourself of why you two connected in the first place in that process of going from a work day to a play day from a work day to a play that you're creating momentum and that momentum is moving you forward in a positive direction where you become hopeful and now you begin to believe maybe there is a future maybe there is a path for us that is long-lasting sustainable and mutually beneficial and so those two days are critically important so in addition to the time when you come together virtually you know for your session those times where you come together to have your workday in your play day it should be just enough time for it to be impactful but not long enough where now we don't even feel like we're separated because we're always together so you don't want to do that you want to feel this separation you want to feel it it shouldn't just feel like we're just sleeping in two different beds in two different places but everything else is normal there should not be a sense of normalcy it should be uncomfortable it should be you know like wow this is this is where low mean it's been a couple months and man I'm feeling this that's what you want that's the whole purpose of this guideline number eleven discuss the rules surrounding sex now listen you're separated but you're still married and in this marriage you know what we have needs sexual needs sexual needs that need to be fulfilled and so the thought of being separated for two to six months and I can't touch my spouse I can't gratify myself sexually with my partner that's a hard pill to swallow but here's the reality in most cases generally speaking when couples are in crisis they're not having sex anyway they're just not one of the first things as impacted when a couple is going through issues is their sex life many people are engaged in sex marriages in a sexless marriage as a as a couple who has sex anywhere between one time a month upwards of ten times a year and there are many couples who have gone literally months in years with no sex and so during the separation that's not the time to get deeper involved in sex because sex can actually confuse things sex can make you think well everything's all right now do you understand that sex is chemistry and so when you're engaged in sex is more than just a physical interaction there are emotions in there are chemicals that are being released that make you feel good that make you feel in love and all of these things can happen and it can really cloud what's really going on for instance when I'm working with couples a lot of times when couples start feeling good they stop the process and their philosophy is well we're good now I don't think we need to continue as sunny we're good and I'm like I don't know about that we're still building a foundation just because you are feeling better about yourself and better about each other doesn't mean that you have a long-lasting foundation that is sustainable for your success let's continue to go through the process and we do but likewise during a separation if everything is normal and you're getting sex when you want and you're coming together when you want and you're doing in your dating when you want then what is the purpose of the separation right so during this period of time you want to be completely detached so that you can become attached to self to God into a vision of what your future looks like so it is recommended that you have no sex with each other that you have no sex with others and that you have no sex with yourself and finally guideline over 12 come back together at the end of that two to three to upwards of six months separation process if you've gone through the proper steps you're committed to a plan of personal growth and self-development you're working with a coach of therapist or a counselor you're having these touch points your work date your play date you're spending time with your kids and so if you're spending enough time in prayer and you're doing all the necessary things to really restore you as a person you are now ready to come back together in a completely different environment with a completely different flow that works for your relationship now Danielle and I did a video where we talked about the three post affair marital patterns we talked about the sufferers the builders and the Explorers if you haven't watched that video just know that that video will be available in the description below for you to click on a watch is really important but what you're doing you're going through a process to become an explorer creating a brand new relationship for yourself none of you want to sign up for the relationship that you've had that's why you are on the verge of divorce in the first place you don't want to recommit to the same old person in the same old patterns in the same old ways of doing things you want something completely new and taking on an explorer mentality allows you to do that and so if you've gone through these 12 steps you're in a better position to have the relationship that you ultimately want

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 20,351

Rating: 4.9141326 out of 5

Keywords: infidelity, marriage counseling, infidelity in marriage, affair recovery, cheating spouse, Splitting Up To Save The Marriage, separation, divorce-proof your marriage, divorce, legal separation

Id: FNK30GkzFPk

Length: 25min 52sec (1552 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 01 2020