If You're Doing This, You're Abandoning Your Betrayed Spouse

[Music] you from time to time when I feel like it's the right moment I'll do a video blog that is very direct and is very hard-hitting for both spouses I hope that for those of you that have been here since day one that you trust me enough to know that when I'm being direct I feel like it's needed I feel like it has to be said and I hope I've I've won your loyalty to be able to hear something as direct as this if you're new to this video blog I hope that you don't take this video blog and think that all of them are this direct but I feel really encouraged to give you some truth today that's going to be a little bit hard to swallow but I promise you it will make a huge difference in both of your recoveries because if you can't utilize what I'm going to share with you today I think that you can remain stock at the very least I think that you will be delayed in your recovery and that will frustrate you and so if you can do these things if you can hear this objectively and put it into practice and focus on yourself I really believe that this will make a significant impact in your recovery the most direct statement I have for you today is if you're an unfaithful spouse and you're doing this thing that I'm going to talk about today you are furthering the alienation and the abandonment that your betrayed spouse feels what do I mean what I mean is it's so common and it's so wounding I did this early on when our betrayed spouse is showing emotion or wants to engage with us and talk about what's happened and kind of work through the issues and their heart may be a genuine desire to work through the issues their heart this day may actually be to shame you and they may be lashing out and they may be calling you names or what-have-you when we as unfaithful say up forget this I can get this anywhere I don't want to talk to you I'm just gonna check out or I'm just gonna pull back or I'm gonna shut down and shame or I'm gonna turtle up and just kind of sit there we further the alienation that our betrayed spouse feels now let me explain and betrayed spouses speak to this if you feel I'm wrong or if I didn't cover everything or you maybe think there's more an add to it on whatever social media platform you are watching this feel free to comment please be gracious we always want to be gracious but I'm always open to feedback and I know this from personal experience is that when I got defensive when I shifted the blame when I refused to allow Samantha to emote or get emotional she felt alienated she felt abandoned because when we have affairs we alienate our spouse we abandon them we take them out of our life we put them in a place that is not part of who we genuinely are we betray ourselves but we betray our spouse we alienate them in life we take our marriage and we shatter it we live a double life our betrayed spouse feels a lot of things but today I'm focusing on the fact that they feel incredibly abandoned they feel alienated they feel like you completely severed the attachment that you had with them and we're supposed to have and left them on the side of the road for dead we as unfaithful have no idea what our choices do to our betrayed spouse and recovery is all about coming to an awareness of what our choices have done and so when we refuse to commit to the process to become aware of what our choices have done we a lien ate them more in their pain in their hurt in their abandonment in their shame in their self-hatred in their confusion in their reevaluating of everything about themselves in their own security in their ability to trust people not just you but just people in general in their love for life in every area every quadrant of their life we abandon them because the goal of marriage is to be one and so when we cheat we are not being one we are damaging the one that we should have oneness and unity with and we abandon them and so then when they're trying to heal and I just got a unfaithful how dare you expect your betrayed spouse to be perfect in their reaction they cannot be they will not be for you to hold them up to this level of a perfect reaction you're judging them you're demeaning them you are actually worsening things not helping things for you to expect them to be perfect in their reaction when you have gone outside your relationship is ridiculous I'm being hard on you because I needed someone to tell me this early on in recovery it changed the game for me i sat across the table at lunch and one of my mentors said I got to tell you Samuel you're completely disengaged from what you've done to your spouse how can you expect Samantha to be so perfect when she's dealing with trauma that traumatizes people for decades sometimes I mean he absolutely loved me and had my best interest at heart and I think the hundreds and hundreds of video blogs I've done communicates to you that I have your best interest in heart because if you can not do what I did early on your recovery will be so much better but you say Samuel she yells or he yells and screams and and they and they have these moments and they're throwing things I'm never going to ask you to remain in a situation where there's the threat of physical violence whether you're male or female you will never win that moment that's why you need to take a timeout that's why you need to protect yourself that's why you may need to exit the situation absolutely but above and beyond that there's something powerful about when you as an unfaithful engage your spouse we'll talk about what you're feeling and talk about what you're experiencing and do your best to authentically communicate now before you as a bit as an unfaithful feel like I am just making it about you this is where I shift gears and I have to give you some tips the betrayed spouse on how to help this process because I've got to be honest if you will do these things as a betrayed spouse I think it will help the entire recovery process and I'm not being loyal and faithful to the recovery principles that absolutely changed my life if I don't share these principles with you so brace yourselves you may or may not do these things you may or may not have control over some of these things because if you are significantly traumatized there may be some triggers of trauma that happened that make it very hard for this to be controlled but if you'll get the right help I think that one day you will be able to manage some of these responses that are very toxic the first thing that I think I would warn you about betrayed spouse is when you're unfaithful spouse is trying to communicate explain empathize just kind of download if you constantly interrupt them they're going to get frustrated and they're going to lash out now it's hard to hear but the goal of listening is to process and listen and absorb information not just wait for a break and the opportunity to speak I know the unfaithful do this with reckless abandon right they will interrupt like crazy but we're talking about you right now and so as you allow the unfaithful to actually communicate and talk it really helps them feel like they are being heard because if they're not being heard then they're not gonna hear you how it becomes so toxic is the unfaithful is hesitant to ever talk they know they're a piece of crap they know they've failed you miserably the last thing that they want to do is make it worse so a lot of times they will shut down in an attempt to maintain respect and simply not make things worse so the fact that they are trying to talk when it's genuine when it's authentic when it's controlled if you interrupt them a lot it communicates that what they're saying is not important not genuine and it's going to frustrate them and it will backfire on you now again if they're monologuing right that's a different story another pitfall for the betrayed spouse is if there is a communicative message being sent that they never do it right they are going to eventually give up now what I mean by that is if they're letters or if they're reaching out or their attempts to be empathetic or humble or remorseful are always judged or always corrected or never good enough then I think you will find that eventually the unfaithful spouse will pull back and stop trying now I'm not telling you as a betray to baby them oh poor little unfaithful spouse let's make this all about you thing feeling safe some of you might think that I am NOT but I am just trying to be fair in the dialogue of what will create safety which will create openness and vulnerability and ultimately help you come back to oneness and get out of the private disconnected insanity that you probably struggle with another pitfall is when the betrayed spouse will judge the motive of the unfaithful meaning there's so many moments where the unfaithful might be trying right maybe it's a letter maybe it's a gift maybe it's a comment or an action to try and be kind or to try and be warm-hearted with you and you say look I don't want these gifts I know you're just trying to make me happy I know you're just trying to pacify me I know you're just trying to have to not talk about this when in reality maybe the unfaithful did try and give you a gift or did do something because he just wanted to bless you encourage you love you affirm you make you have a better day and so if you automatically try and assume or judge him that he was trying to be physically intimate with you or his motives were impure let's just put it there if you constantly make him feel like his motives are going to be or her motives are always going to be judged or attacked as though they really were to do something else instead of what they were trying to do that unfaithful is going to give up get frustrated and pull back and it's going to even more distance now I know that there is a point I get it all the time where people will say look they cheated I'm not doing anything they need to do all these things and you know what I don't care if they feel X Y Z ABC listen I'm sorry but there is a point where you have to get on the other side of that anger and you have to get into a proactive attempt at restoration if you're unfaithful spouse refuses to do these things this blog isn't for you if you're betrayed spouse refuses to and talk to you or engage you or anything at all I get it this blog maybe isn't for you but for those of you that are really trying and really working at this approach will help you you have to get above and beyond the point of well you know what they cheated so I'm not doing anything until all the stuff that's going to create more distance because there is a point where in this situation you both come to where you say okay let's try let's see what we can do because we unfaithful are stupid we're not in our right mind we don't know what to do and if we're not hard-working in our recovery we're going to continue to make stupid mistakes the the question is are they trying are they giving it a best effort if they are the goal is progress not perfection if they are not and if they are disengaged and if they are continuing to shame and do the dysfunctional things that we know will never help than I'm sorry maybe this blog isn't for you but for those of you that are trying and really frustrated I hope that you will take another look at your recovery I hope that you will hold up a mirror in front of you and say what am i doing that might be frustrating the attempt at restoration [Music] you

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 277,318

Rating: 4.8678794 out of 5

Keywords: affair, infidelity, trauma, infidelity expert, affair expert, marriage, betrayal, porn, ashley madison hack, cheater, unfaithful, Rick Reynolds, Affair Recovery, Affair Survivor, affairs, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: 75sJgwVxVqk

Length: 13min 17sec (797 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 27 2018