6 Lies That Destroy Recovery From An Affair

[Music] welcome to the couples academy show everyone my name is sasani and i'm danielle and we're here for another morning to talk to you about all things concerning relationships now listen uh we've been excited because the last few days we've been digging in deep we've been talking about things that will help transform your life and take your relationship to the next level today's gonna be no different but make sure make sure you jump on make sure you tell everybody you know that we are here we want you to like share and subscribe uh and the reason why we want you to do that is because you may know somebody who's hurting right now and the only lifeline that they have is you and it is you who can make a difference in their life and in their future imagine walking down the street and seeing somebody in agonizing pain and you keep walking past them where's the compassion where's the love a part of our humanity is reaching out to those who are in need to give them what they do need and so we're going to be talking about the lies that we tell ourselves do you lie to your spouse maybe it's because you lie to yourself and when you're lying to yourself it prevents you from showing up the way that you need to show up so we get things in our minds all the time that are manipulative that are not true and we allow the enemy to speak into our lives and take us off course and so we're going to dive deep into that so listen guys we'll be right back this is the couple's academy show [Music] we're hassani and danielle peterford founders of couples academy a private practice dedicated to saving marriages around the world we're not just recognized authorities on relationships we're a real couple with real problems who almost call the clicks i was very frustrated i became very disconnected very um jaded and and cold we have four children going on 20 years of marriage and we practice what we preach our mission to change the way couples relate to one another and teach them the skills needed to improve the quality of their relationships this is the couple's academy show [Music] welcome back guys this is the couple's academy show and today we are talking about six lies that destroy the recovery after an affair and it's gonna be a good one guys because the fact is is that we often lie to ourselves and we convince ourselves that it's the truth we are the best at lying at ourselves right and we believe our own story hook line and sinker oftentimes though our spouses are not as convinced right we try our best to hide cover you know we have one hand behind our back with the fingers crossed you know that little symbol and at the end of the day guys what we really want to do is come out with it what's the point of trickling out the truth it just takes too much time it's too much pain instead just go ahead and snatch that band-aid right off get right to the nitty-gritty in the details so that we can move towards recovery so i'm super excited about this topic i want to welcome my uh viewers thank you guys for joining us i see you here calvin facebook user uh fun font good welcome jackie j toure jessica angela everybody thank you for joining us make sure you like share and subscribe and make sure you hit that notification bell but hassani why don't we jump into today's topic sure um six lies that destroy recovery after an affair um the reality is that there are lies that the portrayed spouse tells him or herself and they are lies that the unfaithful partner tells him or herself and these lies often get in the way and causes us to stifle our progress so let's first talk about what uh the unfaithful partner says well number one if it's a male it could be a female either one but she will never ever forgive me that no matter what i say that no matter what i do she will never forgive me and this is a lie folks and what happens is you're looking at her existing hurt her existing pain you're listening to her words even the bible says in ecclesiastes don't pay attention to every word that comes out of a person's mouth or you will hear your servant cursing you meaning when i'm in my feelings when i'm in my emotions i'm going to say a whole lot of stuff in that moment that ultimately i may not mean i may say things because i know it gets you and so what we do is we grab hold of what they say we ingest it we meditate in it we swim in it we allow it to saturate us and now that becomes uh our motivation for leaving because it'll never get any better and so what we've done is we've taken the focus off of their hurt and we've placed the focus on our hurt right and then we begin to participate in self-loathing and pity and guilt and shame and hopelessness and we convince ourselves that they will never forgive us and since they're never going to forgive us i might as well just leave and move on with my life because i'll be better for myself by myself and they'll be better by themselves as well that you know that she or he won't forgive me is actually a defense mechanism right we're using that to protect ourselves from actually having to be vulnerable and face the music at the end of the day you will tell yourself the lie so that you can have another excuse to continue to lie right she or he will never forgive me so i'm just not gonna which is a lie which is a lie and now you're just not gonna tell that person right so now you're lying again by omission and you're just continuing with this lie and at the end of the day you've convinced yourself that you know what this is how i'm going to protect this person they can't really handle the truth so i'm not even going to tell them because the last time i told them this is what happened and they really took forever to get over it or they shut me down or they held it against me or reminded me every you know chance that they got so to protect them that's another lie you've told yourself i'm just not going to say anything at all and it's a terrible terrible pit that you fall into because you now have to keep covering up with these lies and when they find out omg a terrible situation because now you have been discovered they've discovered the truth that you've been covering and now they're doubly hurt because of the live omission i can't tell you how many people i've heard say their biggest thing that hurts me the most is that you couldn't tell me that you weren't able to be transparent with me that hurt me more than anything i thought we were closer than that i thought we had a bond you know so it's a big problem when we uh convince ourselves that they won't forgive the second lie that we tell ourselves is that i'll pay for this forever oh my god if i tell the truth they will never ever ever ever let me live this down for how many times can you look back in the history notes of your relationship when you've told your spouse something and now every chance they get when there's a relevant point they'll bring it up remember when you did this remember when you told me so now that's engraved in your mind that they'll never let it go they'll be stuck with this pain forever because i've convinced myself that i can't trust my spouse with this information so i can't tell them because i'll pay for it forever and that's a sorry horrible space to be in because it's almost like you're in purgatory for the rest of your life and and the reality is so many people have enabled perspective yeah it is that's not good because you're waiting in hell pretty much it's a terrible place it's like where are we going what happened next and and and you're waiting for something to change but you've lost all hope that it ever will and this is why we say it's so critically important that you surround yourself with other people have who have overcome the question is who do you listen to hear me now you listen to people who have what you want and have been where you are i'll say that again you listen to people who have what you want and have been where you are because that means that there's a pathway that's been created to get out of the situation that you're currently in so you should go to people who represent your answer who have your solution we typically share our problems with others who share our same problems and wonder why we're just circling and circling and experiencing a breakthrough and lose hope that there'll ever be any change and so you gotta get around the right folks people because that will help you to propel forward next point all right my marriage will never be as exciting as the affair was now this is a big thing because oftentimes as they say monogamy can oftentimes lead to monotony things have become boring things have become stale we don't go out anymore we don't dress up anymore there's no passion we've just reached a place where we have flatlined you know um it's like i'm hooked up to a machine there's no life in me and so the reality is when i get into an affair relationship is new it's fresh it's exciting it's passionate we're taking the time to learn each other we're doing things that we typically wouldn't do i'm in search for new i'm in search for different and i experienced that within the realm of this relationship and then when i look at my current situation see that's the problem when i'm in an affair i'm excited and then i look at my current situation and it reminds me of how bad things actually are and sometimes the affair can make you love your spouse less or can make you have com less compassion less empathy less of a desire because you have this fictitious comparison that you're looking at and the one thing about an affair it is not real it is a fallacy it is fake you're getting a portion of who that person is not all of who that person is and the reality is we have seen that when affairs have led to full-on relationships not in all cases but in a lot of cases you're realizing wait a minute that you're not i don't even like you 20 i like 20 of you i don't even like all of you yeah and so those relationships typically have a high risk of not working i think it's a worth of 90 of all affairs that wind up in relationships right because you stepped into the relationship on false terms and you may have known about it if you were the affair partner so of course there's really you're starting out with a little bit of trust but the other thing that i wanted to point out as it relates to you thinking that your relationship is not going to be as exciting as the affair is that on the other side of the affair on the recovery path what we've noted is that men and women deal with this differently at least what i've observed is that is even though the affair is over and you're wanting to reconcile with your partner because you have stepped out there was an experience that you stepped out and had with this other partner that was exciting right that filled in some blank that you weren't investing in your marriage so you took your energies outside and you put it there and now you're confused as as to how to get it back with your partner and so that you know how we talk about um both partners are in pain you know but they just have different paths to their healing but both are in pain for different reasons well the the unfaithful partner has this other pain that they invited this recovery path pain where they do miss that experience of the funness and the excitement and they they have this mourning thing going on many times that is not often spoke of i feel like um the women speak about it more often in the women groups because as women we tend to be receivers right so we receive the spirit when we interact and interact sexually and so it feels like women deal with it more as as as far as men they tend to say no i don't even think about her after that anymore you know they it was just sex for them oftentimes for women it really isn't just sex and so there's that little morning piece that has to take place but what i will say is that if you take the time to invest those energies back into your relationship you can rekindle it it's about becoming explorers again and really discovering all the new aspects of one another and we talk about this a lot people just think that there's no hope in reviving anything in their marriage so they stop investing and the issue is that you've stopped investing you can have just as exciting vibrant energetic of a marriage having fun going out getting dressed all the things that you do having sex doing all the things that you did with your affair partner with your spouse you just have to learn to invest that same energy into your marriage you are looking for new and different but new and different is what you can find in your relationship it's here the thing is you got to dig for it you got to search for it you got to hunt for it it's here because it was here from the beginning something shifted something got lost something turned you around but if you get anchored in your marriage if you get anchored in god if you get connected to your spouse again you can rediscover what was lost listen we've been talking about the lies that we tell ourselves that prevent recovery we've been talking about what the but the unfaithful partner talks about on the other side of this break we're going to talk about this the three lies that the betrayed spouse tells him or herself and how to bust through that lie you're listening to the couple's academy show we'll be right back have you been struggling with issues that have gone unresolved for significant amounts of time are you desperate for change but don't know exactly what to do well couples academy has the answer the gottman relationship checkup is a clinical tool that scientifically evaluates relationship strengths and challenges through a comprehensive assessment based upon 40 years of research with it each partner completes the assessment in five key sections friendship and intimacy trust and safety conflict management shared meaning and individual areas of concern this personalized report provides detailed analysis flags areas of concern and suggests specific treatment options that we will discuss together the insight gained from this assessment will help to take you off the road of recovery and place you on the path to fulfillment if you're ready to experience quantum growth in your marriage contact couples academy today [Music] [Music] hey guys listen the reason why we take a break to share with you the service that we have is that this is what it takes to get you over the hump many of you are struggling trying to figure out how we're going to do this like what is the how what is the house you don't need to know the how you just need to connect to someone who does say it again you don't need to know the house i need to know the house all you need to know is the y if you have a strong y the how does it matter the how is it relevant the how will be done but if you don't have a strong why for why you want this marriage the how will seem impossible and you got to get to a place where your y is strong enough so that the how is it relevant and when you do that you contact us and we set up a discovery call we sit figure out how we can restore your relationship and things begin to change now we want to acknowledge some people because you want to say something i just want to say hi to tina tina lashon tanya hey girl good to see you monique um there's you you need to scroll my screen went out y'all this is a live show so i gotta look at his screen um kiara i wanted to say hey to you girl and reach out to me i haven't heard from you a long time i need you to check in with me just let me know things are going well for you um we got some people tuning in from sweden where's that one at i saw that earlier it's la sassify i think it is so welcome guys you probably checked that out i probably did but we're glad to have you thank you we're really glad to have you guys thank you for joining us so the next tip here we're talking we're moving into challenges that the hurt partner um experiences and they also tell themselves lies because we all tell ourselves lies to cope it's our coping mechanism if that's the one that you choose to use i mean if you're gonna lie i mean if if you need to cope you'll have whatever your mechanism is and for some people it's lying that's how we move into our self-preservation mode to protect ourselves from our own issues and idiosyncrasies we will convince ourselves that if there's a reason for this lie or this is a white lie or i am protecting um somebody from this lab but the fact is that you're lying to yourself and you're believing your own life so even the hurt partner lies to cope and the next one here talks about how the lie is my wrath is completely justified my wrath okay now when i hear wrath i think of like anything goes when it comes to wrath i mean burning things down i'll never forget may she rest in peace left eye right burnt down her man's mansion okay because she was having wrath she was experiencing wrath for what he did he was it was cheating right but do you can you imagine how many people can get hurt when you are operating out of rage and wrath like you know a fire burns down a house and maybe burns the house next door and kills other people i mean that's what happens when we lose our mind now that doesn't mean that your anger isn't justified your anger is justified there's a scripture here in ephesians 4 26 it says be angry and do not sin don't let the sun go down on your anger and don't give the devil an opportunity and so it's important that we don't allow wrath to get into our spirit in our soul it's one thing for um for us for a thought to occur okay but don't allow the thought to take root that's the big thing right and that's what happens when we go to sleep it's an interesting thing when we go to sleep on thoughts when we go to sleep on thoughts a lot of times i'll use that i'll meditate on some word right and i'll go to sleep on it and in the morning i have morning dew never fails me i go to sleep praying meditating on the word i come back i wake up the next morning i have morning dew all right that means that that word went inside and was planted in my spirit and produce fruit it's the same thing when you have angry malicious negative hateful thoughts about your spouse when you allow the sun to go down on your anger you're allowing that anger to take root in you and then you wonder why you can't forgive that's real talk and oftentimes what you have imagined in your mind you have to understand when you think a thought it is an electronic wave that goes out it shoots out thoughts shoot out and then feelings and emotions are magnetic they have a pull they pull things in and when a thought and an emotion comes together it creates an electromagnetic frequency okay that all of a sudden begins you begin to operate and vibrate at that frequency and the reality is i can tell how a per what a person's thinking based upon what they feel so when a person is feeling bad they're thinking bad when a person is feeling good they're thinking good so the root of all things are in a thought and if i can imagine it it will manifest and what we have seen is that uh spouses if they're her partner they begin to operate in their rage and they will punch they will kick they will scream they will cuss they will fuss they will fight they will crash cars they will smash windows they will slash tires they will rip up every picture in the house they will go in they will post on social media they will humiliate and embarrass their spouse they will go all the way in to express the hatred the vitriol the pain that they're currently in and this is why you need an accountability partner a community to join a counselor to go to to protect you from yourself because when you go dark you're not thinking about anything all you're doing is you're caught up in your feelings and your emotions and you just destroy the possibility of any future outcome that can be helpful so listen the bible to your point says be angry but sin not you have to know what to do with that anger you know you need to know how to filter it out effectively and we've talked about this before but it's worth repeating there's something called the power of accumulation think about water waters used for drinking is used for bathing is used for many many many things when it's properly filtered out but if water accumulates to such a mass it can become destructive it can rip your house off the foundation and have it floating down the street we see the same thing with electricity electricity powers our machines it turns on light we use it every single day but if electricity uh accumulates to a certain mass it becomes very destructive and can kill likewise the same thing with your emotions and your thoughts and your thoughts they have to be filtered and filtered and filtered because if you allow them to bubble up on the inside of you you get to the point where you're enraged and you begin to and i want to just dial it back into this point here which talks about uh which was it for which is talking about not my wrath is completely justified and we're talking to you about not allowing yourself to stay in that spirit of wrath our minds are so powerful as a matter of fact if you have stepped out and had an affair you've been had an affair it started in your imagination and so this scripture is talking about not imagining not allowing your mind to be a wicked playground and you go to sleep on that and that stuff takes root and begins to drive you absolutely great great point next point all right number five i won't be able to trust my spouse ever again this is a common uh thought and feeling that typically takes place upon the discovery of the affair it's just like all trust is lost like we've been together for say 10 years 15 years whatever the case may be and we built up all of this time to begin to develop a level of trust and in a moment gone so therefore it's going to take some time to restore it to get back to that place so the knee-jerk reaction thought and feeling this i'll never trust again i'll never be able to trust my partner outside of my presence as long as i can see him or her that's one thing but once they're out i don't know what they're doing i don't trust my spouse with a phone in his or her hand i don't trust my spouse on a computer i don't trust my spouse at work i don't trust my spouse when they go to the bathroom and so what happens is you get to the place where you lose all hope of what's possible for you and you've so ingrained that belief into your mind that it now becomes your reality and your fact but i'm here to tell you that there is a trust building process that you can go through and initially yes there needs to be transparency there needs to be vulnerability for you to want to know where he or she is at at that particular time who they're with what they're doing to have access to all forms of social media phones and emails of course you want to do that because at the beginning you need them to prove to you who they are what they're doing and what their level of commitment is but after a season of consistency all of a sudden you can begin to trust again to get to a better place i just want to let you know what's possible for you that you can get to the place where trust can be restored it's one of the hardest things to do but it is doable yeah and it's you know it's a two-player game trust is a two-player game you cannot expect to have trust for somebody who is unwilling to expose their life to you especially after there's been such an egregious offense like an affair right i need to know what's going on i need to see your transparency i need to see more than just you know your physical transparency where you're coming and going and who you're talking to but i also need heart transparency i need to know how you feel and do you have remorse and all of those things are so important so it's it really takes two to walk together on that path to recover and get the trust that you had before absolutely the next one the next lie is i'm not good enough i'm not good enough you know when when your spouse has been unfaithful to you the knee-jerk reaction is to look in the mirror and say well why wha what was it about me why didn't you why why would you leave cheat on me why couldn't i keep my man my husband in the house or my wife in the house what was the deal and the truth is is that some of those inadequate inadequacies that we feel we've had before right we've we made came into the relationship with them um it could be a part of our personality style the way that we think uh somebody could have told us something a long time ago said that we weren't enough a long time ago or told us all the issues that we had a long time ago but this partner this husband this wife married us and we felt good about it then the affair takes place and now it's like jabbing the wound of insecurity twisting it right now all those insecurities that maybe you thought you had healed from or you didn't look at anymore just come flying out of the box to the extreme right and we tell ourselves it's me and it never has anything to do with the hurt partner ever it's one of the things that i really appreciate when the um the offending partner will acknowledge it you know because you have both sides you have sometimes when the the affair part that the unfaithful partner will blame and say well i wasn't getting enough this i wasn't getting enough that that just further digs into the person's heart right but then when you have somebody that will acknowledge it it was me i was broken i actually felt inadequate i have self-worth issues and that's why i couldn't find fulfillment in my life and so i stepped out to find that fulfillment and most of the time whether it's admitted or not i'm sorry did i say most of the time all of the time whether it's acknowledged and admitted or not by the unfaithful partner that's the truth of the matter you know what what you said is so true the person's own self-esteem issues self-worth issues uh inadequacies uh whatever term or colloquialism you want to use one's own brokenness leads one to cheat right so it was pain and brokenness that created the issue within me that led to me cheating and as a result of it it created pain and brokenness within the partner and now the partner who's been cheated on they take their pain and brokenness and project it back towards the person who cheated and that's the boomerang effect that's what it is yeah it's like that wasn't your intention you're thinking i'm gonna get my needs met right you don't even know that you're trying to soothe needs that are in the core of your being where your brokenness resides see danielle because i don't feel good about myself as a man or at least i don't feel good about myself with you because you don't give me the affection you don't give me the verbal affirmation i don't feel like i'm enough so i'm going to connect with someone who makes me feel see it's not just about sexy we think that cheating is all about sex and that's the mistake we over simplify it there are emotional issues that we're dealing with brokenness that we're dealing with that causes us to reach out and as one of the byproducts of the connection is sex you know it's not like i'm just going out to seek sex yes that's one particular reason why but sometimes i need to feel a certain way that i'm not feeling i've heard many men say listen i don't feel like i'm a man of my own home like it could be for a number of different reasons maybe the dominant personality of their wife may be the fact that their wife makes more money and so therefore if if my definition of a man is i've got to be the provider i got to make the most money and because you make 50 cents an hour more than i do i don't feel like i can be a man of mine i'm worthy now so now i will reach out or stumble into a connection with somebody who is in need and their neediness meets a need within me because now i feel like a man said a word y'all better slow down now he has said something significant for anybody out there that is actually thinking about stepping out on their marriage you can't give or attract what you're not so don't think that you're gonna go find somebody else that's whole when you're broken you're just going to attract a broken person the affair partner is a broken person because we're magnets and we draw to us who and what we are cannot attract a whole person you cannot attract somebody that will soothe your brokenness when you are broken so it's like it's that boomerang ricochet effect now you're trying to soothe your brokenness and heal that place that you never healed from you're using somebody else to do it that person's broken when it ends because you're gonna go back to your wife or your husband in the end then that now you've further broken the broken person that you attracted into your mess it's just it's a catastrophe why not put all this energy into your marriage let's just pause on that sila this this this is good i mean we we could go on forever and talk about what causes somebody to do what they did and and i'm focusing on a man but women cheat as well yeah and a lot of times they cheat because of their own inadequacies as well it could be daddy issues it could be a number of different things and that's why you need to get your personal healing couples academy is not just about helping couples restore their relationship we are about helping individuals experience their personal healing as well we say it all the time the key to your marital restoration is your personal transformation i hope you got something out of this message i mean i feel like i did i need to tip if you would like to be a guest on our show or if you're interested in one of our restoration programs contact us today at couplesacademy.org [Music] you

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 5,833

Rating: 4.9186993 out of 5

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Id: h-bVloRlMt8

Length: 31min 14sec (1874 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 26 2021