My Spouse Cheated...Now What?

so here we are we are in Lake Geneva Wisconsin for an amazing three-day marriage retreat we've been to a lot of marriage retreats this is very unique and special and we're excited to be a part of it and we're talking this Saturday to over 120 couples and it's gonna be great and so while we were having lunch we were just talking through some of the couples that were working with in some of the challenges that they're experiencing and wanted to bring you into the conversation and the reality is when you can experience an affair typically most of voices don't occur because of infidelity but rather it's how you show up or refuse to show up after the discovery of the affair that determines whether the couple stays together or not and we were talking about the three in essence post affair marital patterns that couples kind of get either stuck in or choose to jump into that could be transformational we want to talk about those because a lot of people are hurting they want to know how do we move forward how do we get past the pain but they just don't know what the process is yeah and you find a lot of times if you go to church you'll hear the pastor say you know God's gonna do what he's got you he's gonna get you out of it all you got to do is pray all you got to do we seek God sorry my hands are shaking and I'm making all kinds of noise all you have to do is seek God I have to do is pray all you have to do is pray together and that's the reality is is that not first of all I'm not everybody even honors God that's that's number one not everybody honors God but everybody has experienced some kind of marital turmoil but at the end of the day God has done everything he has literally created a system for you to obey and so now it's not necessarily about what God's going to do it's really about what are you going to do with what God gave you already yes that's so very true and I think a lot of people miss it and we take this approach that we sit back and wait for God to do everything and God is like I've empowered you I've given you what you need now work what I've given you and so it kind of relates to these three patterns that we're going to talk about so the first pattern is what we call the sufferers this is the couple who's been infidelity they've been through some sort of betrayal and they just can't make it out they remain stuck in the pain they continue to suffer now for whatever reason the mystery of why they continue to stay together in all this pain who knows is just as mysterious as to why they can't overcome the challenges that they're going through but this is the couple there is kind of like a back and forth tit-for-tat adversarial low-intensity warfare engagement that they have with one another and whether the affair have been six months ago or six years ago every single argument every single issue somehow is attached to the affair so if we have an appointment at six o'clock and I show up at six or five somehow it's attached to the affair if I spilled milk on the table somehow it's attached to the affair and how horrible of a person I am and in this particular scenario you have two people who play two very distinct roles one chooses to play the role of the victim and one has to play the role of the perpetrator and that is the lens by which they see each other and it's hard to get past what they're going through because they're drenched in emotions now nine times out of ten if you're a sufferer it's because you haven't embraced forgiveness and so when you refuse to forgive you have this vengeful disposition where you're gonna project the hurt on your partner that they caused you with the betrayal well I think I think it goes a layer deeper with that as well because you know a personality that has been steeped in the misery of an affair and has not really been given the proper tools to get out of it they can begin to identify with their hurt and their pain so forgiveness means that you now have to let go of the hurt and the pain that you've identified with so you did me wrong you broke my heart you destroyed our family you destroyed our money you've destroyed everything and now that's what I was identifying with all this pain and in order for me to forgive I've got to cross this bridge and leave all that pain and all that blame of the identity associated with all that pain that blame right over there and a lot of people have a hard time with that because who would they be without all that pain who would they be now if I actually had to forgive this person and we actually had to start mending that fence that was burnt tore apart yeah so you're right there are certain personality types that struggle with that and so becoming self-aware and knowing your challenges is helpful in the process but typically this is the couple who cannot move forward so they're stuck in that space and we know many couples who literally you have to understand when you're in a stressful relationship and it's not healthy not only is it not healthy in terms of what the relationship looks like but it begins to impact your own body your own health yeah these are individuals who don't take the time to really self care they're not praying they're not resting they're not meditating they're not exercising they're not eating effectively and so what's happening in the relationship literally begins to cause them to transform into something that didn't think about it that's not good and if you're not in a place that's good and if you're not healthy then how can you show off for everyone else the way you need to show up like if I'm not a healthy Hasani then I can't be a healthy husband I can't be a healthy father I can't be a healthy business owner I can't be a healthy minister because I'm not healthy so everything I do is attached to Who I am and so the healing that you need to go through is incredibly necessary for yourself as well as for the relationship absolutely so these these are these are the suppers then number two you have what we call the builders right so the builders would be that couple they know that an affair has occurred they're committed to being committed they're not going anywhere they've made a decision we will stay married they'll read a book they'll go to a seminar they may do an intensive but that's all they do they don't do the work so in essence they think reading a book is the work no implementing what the book says implementing what the counseling session says implementing what you get in the intensive says that is the work and so therefore they remain stuck so they become like two ships passing in the middle of the night there's no connection there's no anything this is a couple who half on bills half on kids half on life but there's no intimacy yeah it's almost like a false forgiveness because you're you're really just moving forward you're not dealing with the issues you're not actually really unpacking all the stuff that happened but you still got bills you still have kids you still have responsibilities you have a house to take care of you're just you're connected by situations and circumstances but there's nothing between the marriage nothing and so it's sad because it's like you that from one point of view this is a couple that is actually willing to stay together like they they did not divorce they did not call it quits on the outside externally things still look good when you see them in the street they're still together they're still smiling they're still doing the things but there's nothing going on nothing it's almost like they're public the successes but private failures like they'll put an image up into the entire world that everything's all good on Facebook you think they have the best relationship on on the earth but inside their home behind closed doors nothing and so that's where I think a lot of couples are and that's what we talk about when you go from being soul mates to row mates to roommates just emotionally disconnected and it's important that you do what's necessary to reconnect yourself so no more infidelity no more major conflict where you're fighting and fussing with each other yeah and we get that moment yeah at that moment right but you're just in a season of stuff this right and if they're not working on it then then the threat of the repeat of the offense is possible that because that's the problem true that is the problem yes the fact is that you did not work on it and you're not moving forward together so you're either stagnant or you're moving backwards there's been no training you can forgive or give the false forgiveness but that person is still doing the same thing so if let's say it's a husband and wife and it was the wife that cheated and he just decided I forgive her I'm gonna forgive her divorce is not in my vocabulary there's no divorce anywhere in my family and I'm going to stick it out because I love but they've never worked it out they've never done anything and so she's still sitting with her same issue is that close her to step out in the first place so it's just a matter of time and that's true you know you can forgive quickly is what we call it chief forgiveness just like I find I forgive you let's move forward but there's no system accountability there's no system of accountability there's no process by which you go for your personal healing there's nobody that you're going to help to help purge the issues that brought you into the situation in the first place and guess what you're right nothing's going on but the possibility of something happening is always there so you got to be willing to put in the work number three the third host of their marital pattern is what we call the Explorers the Explorers are the couple who say you know what what happened to us now hear the language they use we us our language not he she him her you me not what you did to me five years ago not what I did to you five years ago but what we as a couple went through so in essence were both taking ownership for what we endured and we've made a decision that what we have the relationship as we know it is dead and guess what we want it to be dead because the relationship was bad for so long that it led to the affair in the first place so why would we want to sign up for more of that so this is a couple who says the relationship is dead why don't we recreate a brand-new relationship let's explore a new reality for us so there's a colleague that I have and this colleague was interviewed she does the same thing that we do in terms of helping couples she was an idiot in an interview she was asked by the radio host so tell me about your marriage like you save other people's marriages about yours well she said whoa I'm actually on my third marriage and he says Oh your third marriage huh and she says yeah I'm on my third marriage to my first husband see after about 15 years of being married where you realized that it was good but we wanted something different so we decided to sit down with pieces of paper and pens and we wanted to write out who we wanted to be in this new season of our life not the relationship we wanted to have but who individually we wanted to be as people because we wanted to be a better version of ourselves so I write it I wrote down what I wanted to be she wrote down who she wanted to be and then based upon that agreement we then renewed our vows so in essence they renewed their vows to brand new people having a brand new chemistry a different vibe but different flow a different relationship because they became different people and they did that for about a decade and then at the end of ten years they said you know what this works so well why don't we do it again so they wrote down who they wanted to be in the next season of their life renew their vows again and now they're on their third marriage to their first house how many of us renew our vows what we're signing up for the same old person the same old issues the same old problems and nothing ever changes you know what that should be that's gonna resonate with so many people and I'm sitting here thinking why have we not done can we do that we absolutely good because the here's the the reality of it is that a lot of times people step out of their marriage because they're bored with what's in the marriage or it's just been they've been together for years everything is predictable and what do you try to do you try to mix it up with date nights you try to bring the incitement excitement in other ways but what about coming together and say let's become together what we want to be together like that to me is amazing and it speaks so much to at the end of the day what we all need to do because the turnaround in our marriage took place when we decided to step inside of our own circle and look up and look at God because what we knew is that or what we discovered because we didn't know is that he wasn't the problem and I wasn't the problem as I thought he always says when you're pointing the finger at somebody four fingers are pointing back at you well oh we all came came into this situation with our own problems and he couldn't change me and I couldn't change him it was only when I decided to submit my issues to God vertical and he decided to submit his issues to God vertical that transformation came as we became that's right different people yes and these two different people came together to do what we do now like it's just crazy you think of it so I love the idea of before trouble comes before there's a breakdown in your marriage before you need to literally draw a circle and beg God to transform you so that you can stay in a marriage with your spouse you say come on let's get together and figure out what are we gonna do with this next dick decade who do we want to be because I know so many couples that they have these aspirations and those aspirations make them go this way like they're not in agreement like you know somebody wants to go back to school and get a new degree and the spouse has no interest in them doing that the money they're not you know they're not on the same page there's just so many couples that their aspirations divide you and this is a beautiful way for your aspirations to to link you together and and and I love that idea and that's something that we actually are going to do and we're gonna lead the way in this because I see how it impacted their marriage and how it can impact arts and so many others but what keeps us from embracing change a lot of times are our own fears our own idiosyncrasies our own biases our own struggles that may stem back from previous relationships or from childhood and so we step into marriage already frightened already on guard already not willing to do things different but when you get comfortable with being uncomfortable transformation could come and you can explore new reality that you've never had and so I think that that's something that all couples should sit down and really talk through who would it be yeah like people stop developing when they leave their home at 18 think about I hear so many people say well this is this is the way my mama raised me and this is where my dad is still to me well when did you stop living with your parents 18 so how are you now 58 so for the last 40 years you haven't grown you haven't developed you haven't changed so you're still holding on to who you were when you were in your parents hole okay so transformation has to be a reality the one thing we know about change it's inevitable everything changes I rather be on the side of intentionality with change then change by default right we all age we all get older we all go through changes in life that we really have nothing to do it but what if you're intentional in your change now you can have a life that you've never had most of us we know that the brain we only access 10% of it 90% we don't even type into how much of your marriage how much over your life have you not tapped into because you weren't intentional and going deeper so I think that this is something that all of us should embrace so now the question is do you want to be a sufferer do you want to be a builder or do you want to be an explorer I say we choose to be explorers and I encourage you to sit down with your partner watch this video again and again and again take notes and kind of assess where you are what pattern you currently exist in and where you ultimately want yeah actually we'd love for you to make comments below we would love to know where you're at you know like no shame in the game right we've been there so go ahead and post where you where you're at and where you want to go yeah and let us know it does it does that resonate with you actually sitting down with your spouse and saying hey who do we want to be was our next chapter gonna look like you're together and if you're struggling and you're a sufferer or even a builder and you're like what we want this but we just don't know what to do about it we encourage you to go to couples academy org there's so many programs that we offer that really are transformational for couples the number one requested thing that we do all over the country all over the world but we bring so many couples to our retreat center here in Atlanta is our three-day private marriage intensive because that's when people experience breakthrough I just heard somebody say well you know maybe we need to work on ourselves for a couple of years and then start working on the relationship and I said well I respectfully want to challenge that you don't have to take years to go through a personal transformation like the three-day intensive is so impactful that literally it is equivalent to eight months of counseling that you would literally have to go through eight months of weekly sessions to get what you get in the weekend experience and that's why people love it so listen reach out to us set up a free discovery call let's talk further about it and let's help you take your marriage to the next level

Channel: Hasani Pettiford - Infidelity Recovery Specialist

Views: 15,180

Rating: 4.8301888 out of 5

Keywords: infidelity, marriage counseling, infidelity in marriage, affair recovery, cheating spouse, My Spouse Cheated...Now What?, My spouse cheated

Id: kEyVTUiX3VQ

Length: 17min 18sec (1038 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 19 2019