Inappropriate Dad Jokes. Key Lewis - Full Special

son let me tell you something about life baby you know my story is unique there's going to be some ups and downs some highs and lows but i want you to enjoy yourself in this 40 minutes of good times i'ma start out by saying my father i love him very much he was amazing and still is an amazing man my father raised me by himself a black man you don't hear about that too much it's not celebrated you don't see billboards of a black man embracing a little half-black child my father did the best that he could do with what he was dealing with my father was unique in his own way because he had his own things that he was dealing with my father was a bipolar paranoid schizophrenic aspiring black panther movement pimp and and still is he's kind of a polite pimp though he's not full-blown pimp like he's not slapping people you know what i'm saying he's polite now when you're a bipolar paranoid schizophrenic aspiring black panther movement pimp you're not gonna raise your kids conventional because you don't know what conventional is he would talk to me about real issues like i was a grown man when i was six years old son let me tell you something about life baby you don't know what it is keller you don't know what it is if you love a woman that's the woman you want to be with don't stop doing what you did to get her once you got it i said okay dad i'll write it down with my crayon and my notepad don't stop doing what you did together once you got it i got it that i got it got it secondly some more importantly understand this i made some mistakes i lost your mother doing things i shouldn't have been doing if you love a woman and that's the woman you want to be with don't mess up your show chick trying to get another chick you end up with no chick okay i don't know you talk about but i write it down i'm only six but i'll try don't mess up your first show chick trying to get another check you end up with no check god an infidelity joke that but i don't know what that is so we'll just put it in there and lastly my father told me rings out the most and it sits with me to this day and even as a little boy those things keep circulating i didn't know the meanings of the words he was saying but i carried those little things the last thing my father said to me that means the most and it rings out every single day is judge no man or woman uncommon and that's brilliant to me and he didn't do as little because i think that was important to him he is by far the most impactful person in my life because through his adversities and through his struggles he always made sure i was okay you guys understand that don't judge man nobody in this room had a choice about being here everybody was born from somebody so how can you criticize or ridicule somebody about their initial existence my mama's white my dad is black mexican that's what the hell happened i didn't have a choice i didn't have nothing to do with this went like i was in my dad's testicles during conception swimming upstream no no stop i don't know a little mexican baby and hola buenos noches here i am i didn't have a choice [Music] do you have any idea how confusing is growing up half black and halfway i messed up for life people i used to steal stuff and take it back sad it's something about the black side that's so honest [Applause] i love telling that joke in front of my white friends i do because they're immediately like we do not steal not at all okay we may have stole one country happy thanksgiving i'm sorry true story i embrace it man it's it's what it is and certain things happen and there's certain injustices that happen to people and when the injustices happen to black folks i'm bothered by it but i'm i'm bothered by injustice happened to anybody you guys understand that but it's something about the fact that these things happen and i feel a certain way you guys get that like it definitely hurts me because it is a part of who i am i can't relate and understand what it's like to be a black man because my complexion does not allow me to do that this shade is not black but i still feel for the things that are happening injustice that are happening to black men or women or just people in general on the other side of that is i can relate to looking mexican because i've looked like this my whole entire life and many people get upset they're irate when they find out that i'm not latino i was in los angeles not too long ago the mexican people's out there protesting i don't know what you're saying only spanish i know is chalupa um street taco [Music] and hector that's it that's all i know i embrace it it is what it is you know i'm tired of going to home depot and lows and people offering me jobs you know what i'm saying no sir i will not paint your whole house for 75 dollars 350. uh that's the brother of me trying to negotiate it's crazy man and i embrace it man i'm just as much white as i am black and people ask me all the time what side do you identify with the most you know it's it's it's tough because that's a that's a question you typically ask a person is black and white because they're black and white right what are you and i think because my mom wasn't present people will automatically assume that i'm identified with the black side and i do i've lived in a culture that is somewhat different but at the same time it's not we're all people we just do things eat things a little bit different eat different food but we still bleed and live and dream the same right so it's not about me choosing a side but i understand that i'm a black man and a white man and i'm mexican you guys get that it's an illusion because i do white things and i can't help it it's just there like it's bread in me like my playlist is confusing to all my black friends i got tupac 2 chainz toto and journey on my playlist do you understand me hold the line that's a great song blackfist like what the hell you playing i said man just listen to the lyrics it's a good song i got a window sticker in the top left hand corner of my windshield that tells me when my oil change is due i follow the strict guidelines of the manufacturer's recommendations for service intervals to a t that's white people's stuff do you understand but if you give me a loan i have been known to pay you back in a very elongated time frame [Music] with my choice of how much money i give you back i got you i got you i enjoy life man it's what it's about you know have fun embrace it man we we up tight it's a tough time man it's got to get away from that i got a wonderful family man i'm married been my wife 28 years you know [Applause] don't clap it's treacherous you've been with somebody a long time you'll find yourself getting irritated by the simplest of things like i love my wife you can love that person to death but you still don't get bothered by the most minuscule things like last saturday she in the bedroom breathing and i'm like what are you doing right now you're taking up all the air in a room stop breathing for a man let me get some air okay and i'm not talking about regular breathing she does this thing where she's like she take three breaths to my one breath and that's unbelievably selfish of her we're in this room we don't got no windows no ventilation you over here heavy breathing like we oxygen luxurious stop breathing for them let me get some air i love my wife i love my kids but i feel like my saturdays are being taken away from me from my wife and my children but my saturday starts off at three o'clock in the morning my wife hits me on top of the head wake up what baby i'm trying to sleep i was dreaming you was dreaming you was sleeping with somebody [Music] what you heard me i was dreaming you was dreaming you were sleeping with somebody and i'm like how does she know and i want to dream about other things but i know she'll be watching right i can't control my dreams this is not something i can control and i'm saying to myself how selfish can you be to come into my dreams this is the only time i had on myself now i gotta be on the lookout for your dream blocking butt right she and my dreams try to hide behind a bush like i don't see her lady i see you i'm the producer this is my dream go away i'm not i'm not here yes you are i see you she don't get mad the other day how come you don't ever dream about us being together because we be together [Laughter] and that wouldn't be a dream that'd be a rerun [Applause] and none of my dreams are in syndication they're all pilots with a fresh support and cast and she didn't appreciate that at all she's a good girl though man i got three amazing daughters i got my oldest daughter my oldest daughter thank you i love her deaf she's 22 years old my first born i don't really have too much to say she got this boyfriend i'm not too fond of him he's short i didn't realize that i was a high test you know what i'm saying he's ruined all my chances of having starting forward or a point guard or something because he's like five foot five my daughter's five foot nine i was like you seen him you knew he was like that but you still like him he's a good guy so you know then i got my 13 year old kylie that's my baby it's my sweetheart i'm not gonna say it's my favorite child but she's close [Laughter] but she's a practicing habitual liar and she's so good at it i sometimes condone it because when people are good at things you need to encourage them because there may be a job for her somewhere a politician maybe a president a clinton who knows [Applause] and then there's my nine-year-old jayla i love my daughter very much she's my baby but i have a hard time liking her as a person do you guys understand the difference like i love her very much but there's a part of me that's like you would never be my friend in real life i don't tell her that but i think about it every time she says something to me out of pocket she has no fear at all which i'm i'm i love i love that she's just outspoken individual she's got confidence the reason why i don't like her because she's just like me and that's the problem you know i understand that and the real reason why i don't like her because she got an attitude because she spelled better than me and that's the biggest problem i knew we had an issue because the other day she asked me to spell a word she obviously knew how to spell daddy can you spell peripheral i was like ugh that's a tough one but i'm cocky so i gave it a try i was like p-e-r-i-f she's like no daddy that's not it it's like why you ask me to spell a word you already know how to spell you ever have a co-worker or a friend ask you a question you know that person knows the answer to they grown she nine how she supposed to even know this right that is valparaiso i was upset upset live it couple minutes ago by you know kids they don't care no more they just move on with their life a few minutes ago but i'm still upset mad he asked me to spell the word i could have googled it but i'm just thinking i could help you but no you gotta be smarty pants she's gonna say like i just forgot about it like everything's fine dad can we go swimming i said yes let's go swimming so i took her to the pool and she almost drowned a little bit i didn't save her as fast as i should have cause i don't like her a little bit you know me it's all of her taking just enough water to resuscitate it i was like breathe breathe you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine she's drying off she's getting her color back she's like daddy why don't you save me i almost it was bad i was like maybe i was going to save you but she was not in my peripheral vision therefore i cannot see you taking in them large quantities of water i'm so sorry you're fine she got a bad attitude we're walking across the street she's got an attitude she's thumping when i was a little kid and if i walk too aggressive i looked some kind of way my father would beat the brakes off of me that's how i was raised like you couldn't have too much confidence it was like walk slowly and softly and put your head down you know but she's confident she's got attitude we get to the house we open the door my wife is at the top of the stairs i know you really need to stop breathing she almost died a few minutes ago there's not enough air in this room for all of us life is is an amazing adventure you guys i think we should never take any moments for granted and you have children it's your responsibility to make sure your children are okay and that they're molded into being a good person but sometimes they slip through the cracks it is what it is and i say i love my daughter because it truly is love and she's probably gonna be the closest to me because she's giving me the most [Music] stress i really want to say something else about the the show i gotta be a little bit more mature about it so when that pause just think about it just use your mind's eye and figure out what i was really gonna say because at the end of the day if a train was coming and i had to exchange my life for hers i would not hesitate but i would pause for just a second before i tackle her full speed like a linebacker getting her out of harm's way that's my baby around i'm mindful of things too because as an adult and as a comic i say things and i have to be mindful of what i say because kids are the most honest creatures on the planet they'll say exactly what's on their mind and they repeat what they hear am i right you know that like you have to be mindful of what you say and my daughter she's just loud she just says things and she absorbs she's a sponge for information and topics and things the other day we're at the mall walking through the mall everything's fine very rarely do i get her to go with me but this day she's like that's called i was like okay good with them always walking there's a man walking towards us my daughter looks at me she looks at the man she says daddy that man's eyebrow go all the way across the top of his forehead i was like man it's too loud you don't know that man you know what he's capable of i just said daddy's eyebrow i said be quiet [Music] and the dude heard it and he was upset he's like oh my goodness i cannot believe you say something like your daughter is a direct reflection of who you are my friend she only say that because you say something just like that so bad of you to say that you're son of a mother don't know if you've ever heard an indian person cuss but when they cut this all flipped around and they are really upset because normally they're calm people and he was upset this is not what it needs to be my friend i'm just an only man walking through here and you create this whole thing because you said something in front of her and now she repeated i'm like sir please calm down first of all your eyebrows do go all the way [Applause] crosstalk and she was merely just making an observation about what she saw i'm sorry i apologize if you don't want people to talk about what's going on get some tweezers pluck it out i don't know what to tell you and it reminded me of a conversation i'd had a week before with the credit card customer service representative from a credit card that i have you ever call credit card customer service and this guy right here answered de palma thank you for calling course services how am i helping today what thank you for calling guard services hi my april today this sounds exactly the same way it sounded the first time you said it so i didn't know what you said then i'm i'm sorry i'm all for equal opportunity employment but i just can't make out what you're saying for the girl to verification my presented primary cardio stored the guardian amber i'm going to go with social security number but i just typed that into the automator i don't understand why i need to tell you the same thing i just typed in a few minutes ago sir please calm down don't tell me to calm down don't you hate when somebody tell you to calm down when you're not upset don't tell me to calm down this is my secured visa we talking about i put money in there so that i could use my security visa and now my interest rate is higher than it was last month i'm trying to figure out what was going on calm down you calmed down but better than more security very vacationing my appreciated primary cardio mother's maiden man i don't even know my mama what my mama gonna do with my secure visa right now okay let me see what is going on apparently mr lewis do you not pay your bill on the do that who are you talking to first of all you know how you talk to somebody got an accent after a while you start to pick the dialect i gave it back don't tell me i did not pay my bill on the due date you mother son of a son of uh-huh he gotta say don't talk like me you have black hat white mexican looking mother of the cheese i said how do you know what i look like he said i work for google two [Music] [ __ ] and i was like that's why your eyebrow go across top of your forehead and my daughter was sitting right behind me and heard the whole thing that's where it came from [Applause] i like cheese [Music] you like cheese it's delicious i'm not really a swiss guy more of a monster and a i like provolone if it's melted properly and then i like i love i look mexican so i like the little spicy jalapeno you know the world the world is is when i come here and i'm amongst all you i realize how much laughter brings people together but i also understand that in some instances we are divided uh and separated by the media and the news and just stuff this information is just thrown out there and i challenge everybody not to get caught up with that because at the end of the day with what it really boils down to being family and this administration has been kind of tough you know and i'm a veteran of the united states navy you guys so i consider myself to be thank you thank you and to all my brothers and sisters out there serving i salute you um i consider myself to be a patriot in in every sense of the word so certain things that happens or you know our current president does i may not agree with i mean i like him as a person but i respect his position in office do you guys understand that so we voted him in there like it was us there wasn't no computer like you know i mean we voted the orange guy in so now we got to deal with it and we're lucky that we have a luxury to criticize and ridicule this president because in some countries they cut your head off for doing that you guys understand that but some of the things that he did early on and he's still trying to do bother me like for instance the first thing he talked about was this fence along the arizona california all the borders right first agenda to build this impenetrable wall to keep the mexican people out and he proposed that it would be like 15 billion to build this fence and then he said the mexican people will pay for it that is nonsense i know mexican people that don't pay car insurance they are not going to be a part of a 15 billion dollar wall you guys understand that 15 billion dollars can't we just buy mexico for 15 billion dollars make it a state right george lopez could be the governor they already got a state flower cilantro [Applause] and you can't stop mexican people they're gonna come here man they're the most resourceful people on the planet with the least amount of resources they do the most with the least you guys understand that they dug el chapo out of a maximum security prison with a spatula and a big lighter i'm coming jeffy i'm calming i'm coming heavy i'm coming tomorrow tomorrow [Applause] i can't stop messaging people man and we question their intelligence by building this fence it's proposed to be for 19 i don't know what the mileage is but it's the terrain is just crazy and the original fence that was initially 698 miles it used to bother me because you think these people can't figure this out right i think they're not intelligent enough to figure this out the first fence 696 697 698 i'm free or delayed you just walk around you can't stop the mexican people man it's funny i think sometimes i watch news and i see things and like it it irritates me and i know other people feel the same way like i'm not the only person that gets bothered but i'm also observing it's supposed to be my responsibility to shed funny on ridiculous things right i mean it's it's part of what i am but uh i challenge you and each and every one of you to have that mindset to just be friends and meet new people and don't be swayed by someone's general stereotype or what somebody is supposed to be or whatever you guys know what i mean and and and [Applause] if you're in a relationship and you love the woman or man you're wet let them know don't hover at a ratio of convenience there's too much of that let them be with somebody else doesn't be loved by somebody else let them be miserable with somebody else but sometimes we get selfish in that sense that that's the world we live in we get locked in that convenience be spontaneous in your relationships too you know valentine's day just passed not too long ago ladies you like the flowers and chocolates it's okay really what you know your man's been thinking about you throughout the course today maybe text message you i'll send you something nice fellas you don't got to spend money on flowers and chocolates do what i do come home from work and knock the door off the hinges and you look at your woman with a gaze in your eyes like you ain't eight in a week and she's a pork chop right and you go to her and you pick her up if you can don't hurt yourself trying to do something you cannot do [Music] maybe you're not as strong and v it used to be maybe she's not as light potatoes used to be and whatever you do don't make that sound like [Music] you push toward you be like huh and that's awful too you straining your core is not together you do have an option to walk her to the back room [Music] and once you get back there you make hot passionate love to her all night long over five minutes whichever come first [Applause] because sometimes we're like and sometimes we're like done it don't work out it don't work you know dane's important but i i challenge all my ladies like don't assume that we don't love you because we don't tell you verbally we have our own little solo ways you're showing you we do it through expression when you walk by the living room and you got your little cute outfit on and we tapping on your butt cheeks that's i love you fellas help me out [Applause] that's i love you ladies that's how we do it we have our little gestures a little funny ways we make sounds we do dumb stuff that's mean that's love though you never know anything it's love [Music] i was on this nice little roman trip my wife we're driving in san francisco ambience is set got the picnic basket right i love you i love you too i get this little itch in my nose got a little boogie but i don't want to pick it because i know it'll mess up the ambiance on a date but it was bad it was one of the ones to be like the whistler you guys know what i'm talking about you've been whistling me all night it was bad my eye was watering everything it was real bad but i want to pick her cause she like you're so nasty you're so nasty but i had to do something because it was killing me so i blew i was like but the booger had a tailwind full round land on her cheek true story she driving she'll know it's on her cheek because his body temperature this is so nice i've been doing this for so long and i'm looking at her like but i was not going to tell her because i was never getting no loving ever right when we get to the toll booth dude at the toll booth is look at her life lady you realize you got a bull on your cheek but you don't want to say that because i'm like shut the hell up say the hell up so i did the only thing i knew i could do i leaned in gave her a kiss and ate the booger that's all i loved you ladies and gentlemen [Applause] let's take one for the team tastes like crunchy butter enjoy nachos [Music] that's love because i was not gonna tell her cause i was never gonna get a loving ever right it's amazing man so many things influence people man i don't know i i think about it too because i i try to embrace everybody like no person goes unnoticed i don't want to be judgmental of any one person like i talked about in the beginning like i love people and i wish that everybody could adhere to that be enthusiastic be upbeat you know don't have this negative vibe because it carries with you and the people that are around you say hi to a stranger and i think a lot of you folks know that but if you don't know and you know somebody that's not doing it push it on them we're here we ain't going nowhere we're all family at the end of the day shades are shades but people are people we bleed and think and dream alike you guys understand that i think my dad prepared me at a very young age for this very moment when he said to judge no man or woman uncommon and that's important and i challenge y'all to do that i've been key lewis [Music] [Applause] peace you

Channel: Dry Bar Comedy

Views: 163,779

Rating: 4.5749717 out of 5

Keywords: Clean Comedy, Dry Bar Comedy, Stand Up Comedy, Worlds Largest Library of Clean Comedy, Key Lewis, Key Lewis Dry Bar Comedy, Key Lewis Comedian, Key Lewis Comedy, Dry Comedy Bar, Dry Comedy Stand Up, Clean Stand Up, Clean Stand Up Comedy, Clean Stand Up Comedy Clips, Clean Stand Up Comedy Routines, Clean Stand Up Comedy 2020, Clean Stand Up Comedy Full Show, Dry Bar Comedy Full Show, dad jokes, inappropriate dad jokes, fatherhood, raised by dad, dbc, stand up, stand up comedy

Id: -aAeiLsi3nQ

Length: 37min 4sec (2224 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 08 2020