Bill Burr - Why Do I Do This - 2008 - Stand-up Special

thank you sails all right thank you thank you thank you very much thanks a lot thank you thank you Jesus Christ give us some free tickets everybody shows up huh it's like this guy [ __ ] rocks man three tickets I like this guy alright well it's uh it's good to be here man thanks be back down here in New York I didn't do [ __ ] today I didn't lose her man you said around watching TV and all the type of stuff and I'm gonna tell you something man you know what I'm sick of pedophiles and sex offenders dude they're on every channel everybody is doing something on sex offenders you know it's like dude I got it there's people out there touching kids you know but it's not everybody it's a very small portion of the population so you know take it down a few cuz you're making it [ __ ] awkward out there dude you can't say hi to kids anymore I love kids I love kids I like making faces at him on the airplane making them laugh now parents like this sex offender Lisa making me feel like a freak you know I'm terrified of kids now remember back in the day when a kid would come walking up to you you can pat him on the head hey rusty how you doing right now what kid comes walking up and like do get that thing the [ __ ] away from me Ceri to get away and drop I'm not around just terrified get that thing away from me all right don't need the FBI or that's a catch a predator guy to come walking out like what are you doing here let's show to catch a predator man that is horrible PR for white people huh Jesus Christ can they move that show to an urban area every once in a while and just pitch a couple of our Kelly's peeing on some kids you know just balance it out a little bit like this every dude walking in that house got to look like me oh you're gonna [ __ ] hate your own how about it's unbelievable everybody is talking about pedophiles and all that type of stuff I don't know maybe there's more of them nowadays it's like easier now because the Internet you know you know because back in the day you had to work for it right you know you had to get an ice-cream truck got to figure out when the kids got out of school you pick a straggler you know now you just throw in the internet it just Google www.subply.com what does I send me saw a kid riding a bicycle down the street dude you're never gonna see that [ __ ] again you never see him playing outside up to parents just have him inside now man they just feeding them and feeding them you know just making them fatter and fatter trying to make them unfuckable all these for 250 pound eight-year-olds you can't get that kid in the car I'm serious pedophiles in general they're very skinny people they gotta start chalking up their forearms or [ __ ] blowing up it's just a theory honestly don't take this [ __ ] too seriously if you really think that is do you think that that's why there's I don't know rented that movie uh pride recently if you guys seen that movie let me say that it's about the first all-black swim team and the difficulties they had to go through being the first all-black swim team I made your question how many of those white people are evil movies are they gonna make it's like it's all the way down to swimming you know I'm starting to run out of white kilts you know now let's take those movies they started off unbelievable start off with roots right white guilt was at an all-time high I could barely even watch it I'm like dude I got it my ancestors evil okay please please turn the channel do it please turn the channel they still hit them [ __ ] turn the channel this is gonna be on all week Jesus they're the 80s there was like a football movie then like cuba gooding want to be like a scuba diver I remember that [ __ ] and now it's all the way down to swimming and I gotta admit I don't think I give a [ __ ] I'm not trying to be a dick but it's a recreational activity plus I've been in pools there's been black people in the pool you know I never saw any white guy like trying to like [ __ ] like prevent people secondly just like making this [ __ ] up I'm I'm not being a dick here either okay just to clarify you know I just wanted anybody coming up to me after the show like you know I was thinking it then you [ __ ] said it I'm not saying that I don't think people should be loud let's put on some speedos and go for a dip I'm not saying that [ __ ] I'm just saying these movies like the characters aren't even believable like they always have to have like that though the over-the-top uninhibited white racist character you know you know that guy he's a guy like he's supposed to represent all the white evil you know he's like the dude they always have like screaming during the movie trailer they'll be like they were the first all-black swim team a big vein in his forehead just screaming [ __ ] look not even looking around you know dude it's ridiculous real racism is quiet it's subtle people look around first make sure that you know they make sure the coast is clear this disclaimers like dude you know I'm not racist but these insert group name followed by [ __ ] up conversation right that's how it some guy I work at the bank but I'd be fired immediately please I'm just saying can you just make the [ __ ] like believable you know the honest thing is those movies they're starting to give me a complex you know cuz any time they do a movie about a group of people that thinks dumb [ __ ] about another group of people it's always like white dudes so it's like a white dudes the only ones who think ignorant [ __ ] about other people you know no Mexican guy ever walked up to somebody from India like dude what the [ __ ] is that [ __ ] you fight to see I was walking around when you guys don't eat cows you bunch of bags then why are you wearing sandals sandals back now I'm just saying you know just balance the movies out a little bit like just have some of the evil [ __ ] that black people say about white people you know when we're not around you know like like what are some good examples you know I mean you're hanging out had a rough day you know what are some of the classics you know wouldn't smell like wet dogs right got headlights or something like that right just just slip some of that [ __ ] in there yeah a little pool wash your hand while the [ __ ] brenda's make it seem a little more dude I'm just saying it's all the way down to swimming where the [ __ ] do you go from there we do like ping pong they were the first all-black ping pong team they're gonna steal the paddle my god is not playing paintball you got to go out there and show the white man your baby ping-pong no I'm not I'm not saying now oh so he's just weird bringing this [ __ ] up but no I'm not saying white people aren't evil either cuz I know where you I got they'd evil in me though I can I can feel it that's why I try to suppress it I tried to dress casual you know I mean I'm serious man I tried a suit on the other day I felt it coming up like [ __ ] man I want to take over some [ __ ] right I'm gonna start telling people what to do on it'll blue to Lake flaming on my secretary you know dude I never liked those movies when they make black and white people get along man even those ones seem ridiculous you know cuz they always has to be like some sort of lesson and those movies just like you know I never looked at it that way this like that never happens you know anytime I've ever hung out with a black dude at no point during the evening is he like trying to like teach me how to dance you know you know that interracial Footloose moment they always have to have in those movies and I never go to his neighborhood and like try to like save a school you know how many times are they gonna make that movie you know that movie the white person goes into the projects they just have to make a difference you know they just made that movie again what that was at Hilary Swank it's like did you even need to go see it it's like let me guess she shows up and they don't accept her right and she goes home she cries to her feminine boyfriend he's wearing sweatpants and he's cooking something for some reason right and he convinces her he convinces her to give it one more chance right then she goes back down there she starts drawing out their inner beauty next thing you know they put a do-rag on it she's [ __ ] dancing and it's just embarrassing a lot of times they made that movie I would think I would know somebody white who actually did that [ __ ] you know mike says ghettoes that's what he does sit around and watch SportsCenter you know he's in the projects every weekend writing his name on the blackboard my name's mr. Michael all right who threw that boot screw dad just annoying after a while you know and it always [ __ ] works out too anytime the poor white person goes down there I want to make that I want to see a movie where it doesn't work out like the white dude goes down then the first day just gets the [ __ ] kicked out of it just leave it all negative you can't [ __ ] it out these people you know do something nice I forget a goddamn word it it's a dream it all prescription so he some I saw the other day I've not seen a long time you know what I saw I saw balls on a dog hey remember that [ __ ] dude I have not seen that since like the late 90s I was only sitting there looking like I remember that [ __ ] dogs used to have balls I remember that I bang you hit your friend and look at his balls you know and everybody would laugh no but somewhere along the left it became socially acceptable to cut your dog's balls off whether there's anything wrong with them or not under the whole fear of like well we don't do it he's gonna [ __ ] another dog they're gonna make more job than what are we gonna do with all these dog they're not gonna have cold I love this [ __ ] what are we gonna do it's like dude they're animals just let him go they'll be fine they got fangs they got claws they'll form packs you know they'll help with the obesity problem in this country you know we come stumbling out of a cheesecake factory just like I heard of [ __ ] Rottweiler run run to your SUV sides and coupes a Hazzard style right now I'm Pro dog balls I am I don't do is anything wrong with it doc should be able you know [ __ ] who we wants doing it's ridiculous no I want to get a dog I want to get Doug and Dinah get a dog and immediately my girls immediately what we have to get it from getting a job you have to get fixed I'm like why do we have to get it fixed why I like well you're not a veterinarian she's like when they they are you great then it's a stalemate neither one of us knows what the [ __ ] we're talking about so let's not start cutting anything off the animal right so of course she's a female she's got to go out and prove me wrong goes out gets a book okay it says right here you get you dog fists he's less like to be aggressive okay he's less likely to rip up the furniture huh Daisy acting you know it's just like sweetheart when we were a kid we had a family dog all right he had his balls okay guys sure occasionally he humped your leg you know but generally speaking he just laid around he begged for food you came home he's excited but he wasn't wearing a raincoat like jerking off look for 15 years without incident with his balls you now know sexual harassment nothing no I think I think it's I think it's weird how like human beings we're trying to control the population animals you know like anytime the deer population gets out of control some do but literally get on TV and be like alright deer population is up to about 17 18 hundred realistically we need to get that number down about five six of them all right start them off you got a gun [ __ ] sure one in the face I'm just sitting at home like what are they they're doing that's so bad for the environment you know they're gonna eat all the [ __ ] grass coming up to trees just nibbling just nibble it though the deer didn't put a hole in the ozone layer all right that's not a bunch of dogs clogging up the freeway since us right we can [ __ ] all we want no one's gonna stop you get out you could have 15 kids have a sixteenth on the way no one's gonna get on TV and be like alright Paul [ __ ] do what you gotta do these guys we got in control no it's great right now you can just keep banging away you can just keep banging away making one useless mediocre not gonna invent [ __ ] kid after another I don't understand people like that so I don't you realize empty a third loser kid you don't have the DNA to make somebody special like what are you doing are you doing you're just making more in the way people just walking around looking up at [ __ ] you're trying to get down the sidewalk you know you know that do whenever you going to the deli there's always that guy in front of you doesn't know what he wants but kind of what kind of bread is that it's like dude stop making that [ __ ] guy Jesus Christ that dude that dude is everywhere that's why I love old people I love old people that was what their family photos cracks me up all right we're all proud like well we had five kids and then they are at five so I can't none get that [ __ ] I don't recognize anybody in that photo he just made thirty people who are all taking a [ __ ] every day that ends up in a river that's not a family photo it's an environmental disaster and you framed it no that's my solution for global warming everybody's talking about cars and oil that doesn't matter it's just too many people you know it's 20 people doing it so says you know you want to help the environment just stop [ __ ] right I'm not saying stop [ __ ] but you know pull out you can still have your fun right you gotta stop looking at babies like they're these cute things all right they're not they all right they are cute but most of them just gonna grow up that's gonna end up being those [ __ ] and like an SUV that doesn't pull out far enough into the intersection right now you got to wait a whole nother light to make a left and you just sitting there losing your [ __ ] screaming at your windshield with this dude who didn't need to exist take this no reason for that guy he's I don't know that's my plan they should just make babies illegal for like the next like 25 30 years right that'd be great think about somebody's born three people born every second to one person dying right see if you're not making any buddies like bamps let me just died right somebody just fell down some stairs somebody just tripped over a skateboard right and you know what [ __ ] lanes just opening up on the highway you know you get to work a little sooner you're in a better mood dude you get it down to like 30,000 people 32,000 people be the [ __ ] alright Superbowl comes around everybody can go everybody can go 22 you get to play the odds are you making it in the NFL it's ridiculous don't even if you suck you can still leave a block on punch you'd be like a wedge break or maybe that guy holding the first down marker you wouldn't have to recite book there are those thirty thousand people man everybody here's you could literally drive your own tank to drive a tank you can throw toxic waste off the top you can shoot a bald eagle right in the head there's plenty of it [ __ ] all over my tank look people I don't read okay seriously none of my [ __ ] is researched you know that all the [ __ ] I'm talking up here I think I'm onto something with this you know it's like I'm eliminating people but like no one has to die that's it you stop making do we're gonna end up like China they got an over a billion people just just jam-packed every day is like the supper if we just stand there you can't even fall asleep enough sorry about the hand just jam-packed you never think about that [ __ ] just standing there gonna be sitting there first of all how easy is it to get away with the crime over in China you know first of all you pick somebody's pocket you don't you don't have to run away just [ __ ] weave your way back in the prize wallet right so he's got black hair he's five foot five he's dressed like it's in Reservoir Dogs he's right over there that's what we're gonna be headed how many more strip malls can you make please to get doughnuts and people to get their nails done everybody's all excited to this area's really exploding please funny it's like no two people are [ __ ] and then they're just building more [ __ ] I don't know I get my act together man I'm really yeah really the critical point my life you know I am I'm serious I'm a [ __ ] psycho man I realized this about myself that you know I'm not married you know and I'm really getting to that critical age where you know pretty soon I'm just you know I got to pick a street either I'm gonna get married you know I'm just getting up being that creepy old guys hanging out at a bar you know red chest hair hanging out of there no seriously I don't know was what's wrong I just uh I think I just stayed single too long and it's just brutal is this critical point when you stay single too long and when your brain switches from you know like say that time yeah [ __ ] it sit see what happens dude and once you cross that line this did the evil that just just opens up it's just you know I don't you don't I just find women that just like I think they're great I don't want this to come off like I don't come off here like I'm some woman here cuz you know I know I'm a psycho but it's just like I don't I just find him to be like relentless just every day that they just they just gotta come at you they just wake up they have an agenda and they're like these psycho robots that never run out of batteries and every day they have to culminate right you got to deal with that every single day hey I need to raise it and you literally you know every day it's like waves hitting the beach you know every day just a road and a little more your life away you know just waking up inch by inch and every day just wait you hanging out with him he drinks too much where'd you buy that that chocolate throw it out so one day you just hanging out in the middle of a lagoon just floating there with your baseball cards you're waving to your friends back on the shores don't get me tickets I still like sports oh here she comes here she comes hey what are you doing no I'm trying to I'm trying to learn how to how to pick my battles with my girl you know what I am you know I used to argue all the time I'm just trying to pick the battles some days they come at you you think you just got to let him go you just let him go and follow him to whatever dumb [ __ ] they want to do later picnic you're bringing a good Bank in your face then other days you just got to get your hand up you just got to just create this perimeter something for them to bounce off like you just send that psycho energy in another direction by yourself a couple of hours for freedom before they bounce off something else now they're relentless they never stop and there's no reason for them to stop you know why cuz because you can't hit them that's what it is think about that there's no physical ramifications for being an [ __ ] when you're a woman do you know how much of an how much of a dick I would be if it was socially unacceptable to kick the [ __ ] out of me dude I would be trashing everybody I saw see some big muscle-bound guy but I can't do that right every guy has a line and if I cross the line I get blasted in the face totally acceptable right well with women there's no line they can just keep [ __ ] kicks keep coming at you do they can do stuff worthy of like a suplex and they'll just stand right next to it penny of the decency to run away like light your clothes on fire they're like tada I said that [ __ ] oh yeah and I was so proud of my work I stuck around to see reaction I invited a couple of friends to heckle you as you try to stomp it out with your bare feet oh yeah they're like key your car sign their names Susan did this [ __ ] you sit like now can I at least put her in a headlock here a couple of I feel bad for women that unit you never get to feel that you guys should should do it to each other you know just every once in a while just haul off and just blast one of your friends in the face you know it's good for you I know yeah I know it hurts you know you can't feel you nose your ears are ringing but I'm telling you man it clears your head and it causes you to let you evaluate yourself I swear to god any time I ever got punched in the face I was always pissed but at some point during the drive home I'd always be thinking like you know it's kind of being a dick back there you know and I really think about it I probably shouldn't have said that last [ __ ] you know you mean you'd like make that adjustment it's not an [ __ ] I can't believe he's just gonna say this guy actually my girl punched me in the head on Valentine's Day a few years ago yeah you want to hear this story this is a great one this is how much of a dick I am that I can actually tell a girl I love her give her a card and somehow at the end of the night she still blasted me in the head you know I can't even oh what happened all I know is she said some [ __ ] then I said some stuff then she said some more stuff and I said [ __ ] I'm going for big air I said the last [ __ ] and next - you know she just came flying at me right fist balled up okay and at first she was just hitting me all in here you know which is acceptable right it's a holiday let's [ __ ] keep at night you know let's keep it nice right and I gotta admit I was blocking most of it at first right I was doing the rope-a-dope I was leaning back pulling ahead and I was leaning on her talking [ __ ] but it's fire out right then all of a sudden she just went out top [ __ ] blam it hit me right in the side of the head you know I hurt the most was not that she hit me was that after she hit me she didn't have the decency to hop back like like maybe something was gonna happen she knew nothing was gonna happen it's against the rules so not only did she get to blast me in the head she didn't got to do like this UFC talking [ __ ] thing in my face Oh brutal then she started like breaking up some stuff you know of course it was all my stuff and I'm just standing in okay don't look her in the eye stand as still as you can better calm down oh that's great that's something mine from high schools that meant a lot to me evidently not to you it's funny I was doing that [ __ ] I have a cop with his knee in my back but evidently you have a vagina so that makes it okay I just have to stand here and you break all my [ __ ] I don't know it's gotta be me don't you know I get into too many arguments I do I got an argument this girl the other day you ever meet somebody like within the first couple of minutes of meeting them they feel like they can like sum you up just like you know what your problem is you just have this unbelievable urge just to take their head and just mush it into whatever they're eating you know and really hold it there for a second you know like feel the panic and the back of their head is like the air bubbles become like less and less frequent you know never have like weird thoughts like that push random violent thoughts you know like I actually had the urge that elbow an old lady in the face the other day no it's not real I swear to god man I was going I was going to get off the plane right you know the rules when you go to get the plane it goes row by row by row right in this lady's all like ooh I'm 90 I get to cut everybody right so she starts waddling around me you know I'm competitive I start boxing around right my luggage that swear to God I did this I'm literally taking up the whole aisle and all of a sudden I just go around him she just starts waddling all around me and then I just feel my elbow like dude you're gonna take this [ __ ] man come on dude you got a wide open shot you know just give her equipment she's not gonna feel it she's gonna go down and he can play it off like she with you but I didn't do it man I got I got my body under control that come on man we can't do this [ __ ] this is wrong and I thought I was in control and then she got like right about there then I felt like my foot going through we can still trap her man throwing that out there all the time I do I didn't do it so I didn't I did they just you never think she'll like that you never just walked down the street see somebody up on a ladder you just want to go over just just to do it you see people like eating you know sidewalk cafe having a good time it was mana one of those moments this girl was annoying me she was eating something and I was envisioning plunging her face right into it all right this is base what happened okay she tried to say I was homophobic I think she's full of [ __ ] and this is the story all right we were in a diner right we just got done eating okay came out I was looking down at the ground and when I looked up there was like these two dudes like hardcore making out you know and it's like I wasn't [ __ ] ready you know what I mean as soon as all of us I wasn't ready it's like you know you were in a Brokeback Mountain or I'm walking through the village I can get my brain prepared for what I might see buts like I wasn't [ __ ] ready you know I just eaten these fries my god dumb [ __ ] you got to go to the gym you know it's in my own head but when I looked up these two dudes one guy two beers just going at it so the second I looked up I just feel like that's all I did real quick I just and then this girl was just clearing it with that were you a coma sobic yeah how my father could not know homophobic I got no hatred you know I got no hatred in that area she goes what was that all about I got I was just like a visual thing was just you know she goes what are you talking about put it this way the first time I ever saw a porno I was like 14 years old I had no idea what doggy style was but the second I saw it my brain was just like that is the [ __ ] I want to [ __ ] do that some point in my life I convinced a woman through that with me right my brain was like yes my dick was up everything was in agreement that this was a wonderful thing and I had no idea what it was but in the same token if at any point during that porno somebody started like kissing somebody's feet I like sucking on their toes it was just gross to me but that doesn't mean I hate feet and I don't want them in my neighborhood that just means I'm not into that [ __ ] to safety with the Gators I have no hatred in my heart for gay people all right they're cool they're funny generally speaking they're neat you know I got a lot of positive things to say about them you know they moved to your neighborhood the property value goes up cuz they make it fabulous right they can't reproduce so that I'm making more in the way people walk they're wonderful for the environment god bless them but how far does political correctness go that I got a look at some [ __ ] that's making my brain go like [ __ ] look away right I'm supposed to override that start like cheering on their relationship when you fingers through its chest there notice ridiculous you're gonna tell me some gay guy never walked down the street seen to straight people straight people just going at it and never just saw like Oh God I'd like walk it off he can't help but that's just now his brain is wired right he's just like [ __ ] good I'm like dick right but there's no hatred in that I can't alright just couldn't [ __ ] explain it to this girl she's like it's like not what's on the same love you see a big guy in his sandwich right and he gets a little mustard on the side of his face right you [ __ ] look away but that doesn't mean you want him to choke on the sandwich then you want to get a bunch of friends to beat the [ __ ] out and free the sandwich right do whatever you put your mouth on is the most intimate thing ever right there's no middle ground it's either like yes or [ __ ] that there's no middle air you know balls right you just and you just insert yourself into the situation like when you watch a porno there's there's a guy and a girl but you're not looking at the guy even though he's right there you're just looking at the girl and you're just thinking yeah that's what I would be doing to her right but if you took the girl out and there was just some guy who just sitting there just dry-hump you you'd be like this [ __ ] is horrific right so and I'm looking at two dudes kissing it's like a stalemate there's no place for me to insert myself into that situation it isn't horrific right does that mean I'm [ __ ] up you know what I love about that joke you guys got it after like the first example yet I felt the need to give you 50 so it's got to get my [ __ ] together man that's basically it started going back to therapy again I just can't I just can't do therapy I try I start telling my stories I just start [ __ ] laughing and then the therapist is always looking at me like you know I'm like come on it's kind of funny right like mom so he's trying to get me to bring the walls down so you know I finally one therapy session you know I start getting a little emotional and then all of a sudden he goes he goes okay yeah just breathe and the second my brain was like yeah what a douche and I just admitted it I just hate him though just the wall just came back up again you know I don't maybe I'm just fighting it you know maybe this is who the [ __ ] I am I like Corvettes you know maybe I should just be this should start making some more money you know you never think about this [ __ ] I don't know how you guys how do you stay married how the [ __ ] do you you do it I know you take the happy family photo it's just sitting there you know you never just think of that just some day you know just slamming the garage door in your head putting yourself in a coma for a couple of just all happy okay have you done means to say have you proud I'm the only one who thinks this [ __ ] alright I don't know I like [ __ ] up [ __ ] man I like when crazy stuff happens I like stuff for like in sports I love watching sports like I love all that stuff for like people cheating like we're steroids you know I am so Pro steroids it's ridiculous I could give a [ __ ] I could really give a [ __ ] you know I don't know what Barry Bonds is doing but whatever he's doing I hope he keeps doing it I hope it just comes out as like one big chest muscle with like a bat sticking out just keeps cranking him over the fence you know who gives a [ __ ] you people have been cheating since the beginning since I was watching put baseball in the seventies half of them were on coke you don't think that that helped you see the ball a little better you like wired out of your mind like dude I can see every step 12-inning you're all [ __ ] Hancock no I love all that stuff I like when you know people fall out of the upper deck when athletes punch people in the stands I mean that's that's just like what's entertainment for me now you know I like that Jimmy the Greek moment that happens to sports you know like once every four or five years you know that like some fifty fifty five year old white dude tries to explain why black people are kicking the [ __ ] out of white people and practically every major sport you know it always goes down the same way right there's always like three white dudes and the one white dude in the middle he's always like the guy with like the theory you know he's always so right now it seems these are these African American athletes yeah they seem to have this saw this quick twitch muscle fiber you know there's a slow push and there's this quick twitch and the second to do says that like the other two white dudes start like sliding on a frame like okay this guy's get fired and I'm not gonna be part of this highlight nice bone you ned keep that seat warm right and then through the middle he's just like hell-bent on gettin fired you know he's just he's such like bringing up slavery never deli they were breeding the strongest man with the strongest woman in that quick-quick literally 20 minutes later that dudes on TVs like fired right he's crying his family standing there he's got like a box of [ __ ] from his desk with like an Emmy sticking out which is just try to make a point no I love that I love seeing people mess up their careers like that it's just funny to me plus I got a mitt as a white dude on some level I have to believe in that theory cuz it's like a white dudes that bad at basketball I can't even watch the NBA anymore man it's like every highlight the white dudes like that the Black Keys I think his nuts in his face I'm just sitting home like for the love of God tackle the guy Jesus Christ get out of the way to ever get tired of those two nuts flying over your head didn't know you're gonna be on SportsCenter just get out of the way good I'm telling you there's got to be something to that theory I saw this show on time on runaway slaves was one of the most amazing programs I've ever seen in my life so when you ran away as a slave you just didn't run to the end of the driveway and be like oh [ __ ] that job just start walking dude you wanna like run through whole states this dogs chased me you're hurdling [ __ ] you're swimming those are the first [ __ ] triathletes and there was nobody helping him up there was no food on the side of the road like come on man dude you are on your own is it any wonder 250 300 years of that [ __ ] and then I'm gonna do you up in gym class I come from hundreds of years of alcoholics I got like half a liver you know me you know what's funny to me about that stuff you can't even like you know I always you know that the theories crazy but it's just like you can't even bring up how well black people do are doing in sports everybody gets all weird about it which I don't understand cuz it's like a compliment you know like feeling weird it isn't right now you know I just brought that [ __ ] up I'm saying something good right I thought I saw a coach get in trouble for that [ __ ] like his team was like Owens six or something they just couldn't win it every week the press was just getting on him more and more and more right and the duty was just like flustered and he had like a moment honesty they're like why can't you guys win a game you know no the offense isn't getting it done you know defense they're too slow and it just rot tell me think it's all black guys on this team with everyone started freaking out like they had no idea what this dude was talking about it's like are you watching SportsCenter or do you see the Olympics like I love 200-meter dash right there's always there's always like like like nine black dudes and then that one token white guy and like Lane eight I'm just sitting there cone come on man one time just one time win the bronze just do what you got to do the white dude always stays with them to like the first turn then he like [ __ ] flows out was underage black googling where's that way through the next Olympics he's like up in the broadcast booth his careers over it's worth he's like a commentator yeah it's gonna be a great race still can't feel my [ __ ] toes but I'm telling you now I don't get it it's like a complan we're saying you get you faster that's a good thing right people start off freaking out you're acting like that's all we can do you saying we can't be scientists no we're not always saying is if there was a race through the microscopes you [ __ ] would win we're just saying that you're fast you get there first you lap polar be flapping in the wind I get there like three minutes later all cramped up with you what are you looking at bacteria no you go fresh cheese go for a Bulbul came in by a bull bones Street shoes I've never seen that before man like no I get into those arguments all the time all the time friends of mine will be like well how come anytime a black athlete does something they say it's an athletic move anytime a white athlete does it they say it's an intelligent movement it's like well fair enough man it just just depends on what you're doing you know what I mean it's like you know if you read a defense white a black that's an intelligent move right but if you take off from the foul line jump over nine other dudes and throw the [ __ ] down those other nine guys aren't standing there like [ __ ] wouldn't I think of that [ __ ] dribbling around guys superhero [ __ ] like a cape flapping in the wind the big s on your chest I'm telling you man that's the funny thing about Hitler through this idea no that's my favorite my favorite sports clip is that Jesse Owens [ __ ] I just love it because their whole angle was [ __ ] up and he made Hitler leave in like the third quarter right he's putting down his number one finger just [ __ ] walking out of the stadium feels quite the whole thing was like we I'm going to create a superior race it's like dude I think we accidentally already did that now they sent a select group of people to the gym every day for a couple hundred years that's paying dividends the [ __ ] dunking on us every day dude how quiet was that limo ride home with Hitler you don't say you know he was talking crazy [ __ ] when they were on the way there they were all amped up they're going to dominate Sieg Heil is going on that whole ride home they're just sitting there all quiet you're sitting next to an even angrier than usual Adolf Hitler trying to make some sort of small talk like hey it just wants nice thing isn't it dude I got a mitt man I'm fascinated with Hitler man I am just how the [ __ ] that guy ever came in power cuz does he ever look like he's in a good mood in any of those clips everyone hears flapping around there was nobody even in the beginning to be like dude is it me in this game it's gonna go crazy I'm gonna come as fast total [ __ ] block you can't even have around women or nothing you know no you know what as crazy people can take over [ __ ] that's what it is like regular people were honored you just never say [ __ ] you ever notice that like you'd be on a bus 30 decent people one crazy dude can take over the whole bus right nobody's just sitting there everything's great then one crazy start screaming the second that happens all 30 people like I got everything up against me you got hepatitis their buddies freaking out like why doesn't every just pounce on the dude I think every regular person should just have like a chloroform rag like right in their front shirt pocket and a second any crazy [ __ ] happens if you're behind it it's on you you just pull it out took the guy everybody jumped on him to tie him up and get tattooed possibly the next Hitler across the forehead you keep an eye on right nobody it's so hard it's just hard to speak up that's the [ __ ] you know like I was in a target the other day right not bragging you know that what I'm standing there with a buddy of mine right he's a bouncer he's a bouncer and this really like crazy bar so he knows like all these scumbags and it just so happens that one of them just so happens to come walking through the target so my buddy he was the wave to him like a man how's it going and riding this guy being like I know it's going pretty good he just launches into this tirade about like like immigrants right in the middle of target so how's it going chayo it's going Scott damn Mexicans keep coming this country take it all the [ __ ] job immediately everybody in line like Oh mmm this be the back of these he's still there I'm not looking I look the last time make sure I turn to look and that looking you just look this guy was going off nobody did [ __ ] clued me look me I wasn't looking at the guy even if people who work the target they just kept ringing stuff up like you three socks for a dollar that's amazing think it's gonna rain out dude it was a classic chloroform moment this guy who's doing he was doing like a [ __ ] Hitler open-mike you know I'm just going off he was learning how to put thoughts together right how to speak in front of groups so we should just came out yarn through some skittles on the ground you take him out that's it but nobody did [ __ ] you knew there was like one guy working at Target like some crazy dude peeking out from the back like I like this guy this guy's he follows him out to the parking lot they jump in his El Camino now that's two of them right I don't know I mean I'm into a conspiracy theory man that's my thing you guys internet [ __ ] I hate fast food fast food I think it's like a conspiracy you know I think this how they just keep us dumb you can't even think after a while you ever notice that [ __ ] like you have a whole day planned out you eat one egg McMuffin you just on the contrary you know I [ __ ] my dreams do this it's unbelievable healthy food you can't you can't even smell it you have a bag of apples right front of my face like hey my eyes are closed I can't smell it 200 miles away oh [ __ ] is that KFC you go there you get a bucket of it until you never notice that you're nervous whenever the government [ __ ] up all of a sudden like McDonald's has like a new sandwich you know you just sitting there screaming at your TV how can I get pardon all these CEOs noumic so anyways yeah so I have a lot of like I have a lot of [ __ ] up thoughts man I do this is the most recent one I had you ever drive down the street and see like 30 people up on a sidewalk you just think you don't do it you just think that's what I separates the psychos from the functioning psychos right psychos they just think it [ __ ] it they do it look at the workers going to make a day out of it right but as a functioning psycho not only do you not do it you actually analyze it like man if I just leave my hand right here nobody knows who I am I move it two degrees over here I'm on the cover of Newsweek and instantly famous right right here nobody knows me just a regular jackass like hey Bill you want to come to the cookout you know maybe you could bring that like potato salad such a big hit last year one of the most horrific stains we've stated is gonna be there you can strike up a conversation maybe hook up with them no indication to even try to stop no I had those thoughts all the time like recently my girl took me to AI street fair right you guys ever been in a street fair you know they closed up the block right they closed off the block it's like shwarma there's like [ __ ] made out of buttons right people with no teeth I'm making keychains you know it's a typical girlfriend idea it sucks and it's gonna take all Saturday right right she's like all excited she's like swinging my arm like praying for lightning some sort of scaffolding to fall down on my head you know so she comes out first place she comes up to us is this big table nothing like homemade jewelry right homemade jewelry okay it's got twigs in it macaroni it's [ __ ] that is a table of [ __ ] right but she loved it right she's like oh my goodness that'd be so funky right she's like try it on the earrings do you like these do you think these are nice right I want to be like now but they were nice they'd be in a store all right there be a roof some sort of structure would be built around this this is [ __ ] this is a table of [ __ ] but I don't want to be a dick so I'm like okay that's great you know John you know I'm gonna go get some air okay even though we're outside I think there's more air to be had you know sobs I felt that I was gonna snap I literally watched by two three tables away and this lady stand there with this big table enough about muffins right homemade muffins like 85 degrees out she's standing there there's big table nothing but muffins she's got this big stupid look at the Muppets and they look at her face and the second I saw that [ __ ] that part of my brain was just like dude what would happen if you just came up and just said hey lady are these your muffins oh yeah I just started gonna [ __ ] plant what like how many these muffins could I mush before anybody did anything I mean realistically I think I could have got the whole table cuz even if you saw me doing that [ __ ] will take at least five to six seconds to process like the game you ate the muffin up you fit let just seems like the wasted pastry you know dude there's no security at [ __ ] like that this don't dude standing there he's pushing them up it's okay help I'm on it sorry we're gonna have to ask you to leave they just chucked me out so I just started thinking a horrified [ __ ] up look in this lady's face as I started slamming these muffins and out of nowhere I just started laughing like a maniac I'm like slumped over this fried you know card I'm dying my car looks to me she's like what the hell are you laughing at and like an idiot I actually tried to explain like she was gonna get it on some level right and she's just looking at me like why do I go out with you no but I swear to god man if I never broke eye contact the second I started hitting those things that girl wouldn't even been able to call for help I would have been in a lot of time you guys are so much fun thank you thank you you

Channel: Comedy of Bill Burr

Views: 4,228,148

Keywords: Bill Burr, Bill, Burr, Comedy, Stand-Up, Special

Id: 9fyQsIhQIRY

Length: 55min 0sec (3300 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 11 2016