Steve Treviño Relatable - Part 2 (of 2)

you go to Vegas me and the wife and we have other couples we hang out with that's what you do when you're married you hang out with other couples usually couples you can tolerate and hopefully they make about the same amount of money as you there's nothing worse than the broke friends that show up you know you're like ah [ __ ] I guess we're not having stay and we did it up you know we did it up my wife my wife we went out she dressed up very nice she dressed me very nice I laugh it up she dresses me my wife look this outfit had a sticky note that said Saturday I'm her personal little bill to bear uh she buys it I wear it man that's the rule in my house yeah she knows I don't like to shop so what she does is she buys a bunch of stuff brings it home I try it on she approves it and that's what I wear that's what I wear uh she knows I don't she knows I don't like to try it on at the store I hate that I hate to try stuff on at the store because sometimes she makes me and and I come out of the dressing room like a mad eight-year-old there we go here we go she went in Vegas with my buddies and we go out get bottle service you know me and her we get bottle service we're drinking having a good time with dancing and then somewhere in the night I lost my wife I don't know I I told her I was gonna go play craps a little bit and I was playing craps and I was winning I was winning a lot and I never went I never went but this time I was winning a lot and all the men were winning and we were high-fiving and screaming we're yet well yeah baby yeah what's excellence really you women don't get it you don't understand women don't understand what it feels like when men win and gambling let me help you out ladies imagine you walk in the Macy's and everything is free your vagina's would scream and then there be riots and dead people but at first so we're winning we're having a great time we're drinking and we're winning and we're high-fiving and then all of a sudden I hear are you freaking kidding me and all the men at the table got scared they're like oh [ __ ] is it mine oh [ __ ] one guy just left he grabbed his [ __ ] [ __ ] it I'm out of here he just left I turned around it was mine it was my wife and she was in her pajamas free-range titties out she was yeah hey I said hey babe get over here we're wearing she's are you kidding me right now I know what's your problem just my problem is it's 9:45 in the morning I've been calling you for four hours I thought you were a child which I could understand I've been to jail several times in our relationship just get over here right now and the Crown Royal that I was drinking asked me to ask her if she wanted to go to breakfast I know you want to go to breakfast get over here right now and all the men were like you you should go uh she looks yes you know you're in trouble when your wife comes out and sleepy clothes no bra that's some urine some [ __ ] never once have you seen an episode of cops where a woman's wearing a bra never you're in trouble she's let's go and my wife was stomping through the casino I couldn't keep up because I was going like this I was in so much trouble walking through the MGM Grand that other men while I was walking by we're getting in trouble other women all right look at him you piece of [ __ ] look at him anywhere you'd be like that how you gonna be like that remember last time agenda legacy [ __ ] he did that [ __ ] to me her tits are out poor girl she's over there I woke up I woke up in my hotel room about 5 p.m. naked I was naked which leads me to believe that I tried to rape my wife I tried to rape her sometimes when I'm drunk she's my wife was gone she was gone and so was the money I'm pretty sure I know who stole it but I didn't press charges because she didn't press charges on me trying to rape her so she came home about 7:00 p.m. with a lot of bags she put them on the floor and became the auctioneer let me tell you what I bought [ __ ] you to respect me on a respect do you see that [ __ ] right there full price [ __ ] full price [ __ ] that [ __ ] right there he didn't need it another Louis Vuitton got it mother [ __ ] check that [ __ ] out normally normally normally I by steve madden that's what I by Steve Madison I respect you and I don't want us to spend too much money I don't buy Jimmy Choos but today [ __ ] Jimmy Choos uh so we even most men in here like yeah that's how it works yeah hell yeah we uh it's how it is man you do it though don't you you just god I hate her sometimes I wish my wife would get hit by a truck that's a horrible thing to say I know it's horrible and I thought we were friends I thought we could talk sometimes I want out all right I'm gonna be honest sometimes not all the time most of the time it's good but some times I want out just but I don't get out you know why I don't get out because there's another man waiting to sleep with her and I could not I could not imagine another man sleeping with my wife so I stay in I [ __ ] stay in so if my wife gets hit by a truck problem solved if my wife gets hit by a truck sound like her parents and her parents like me and if she gets hit by truck we'll probably still be friends and here's the best part I can be a complete drunk and people will defend me amen why Steve drunk all the time Shh his wife got hit by a truck okay-y Steve doing cocaine off that strippers titties hey have a little respect his wife got hit by a truck I had a dream when I was a kid and she stole it I'll tell you my dream when I was a little kid my father took me to an Astros game well he told me he said bring bring your glove and I said okay but they're not gonna hit it way up here and I i sat up there like as a little kid and I look down and I used to see those guys who sat behind home plate I used to tell myself that one of these days I'm gonna grow up I'm gonna make money and I'm gonna be the guy that sits behind home plate and I'm proud to say I'm proud to say last year I was able to do that I was able to do don't clap don't clap not back don't you dare clap my wife was involved captain evil that's what I call my wife captain evil she's like a messed-up superhero if I'm ever having too much fun she will show up what's going on over here what are you smiling we gotta go we gotta go I'm tired I'm sick I'm hungry I'm cold I'm hot I hate him I hate her back I'll tell you how it happened I was sitting at home and I called my buddy up I said me you opening day home plate and I hung up the phone here comes captain evil how come you didn't invite me I said first of all how did you hear that you're in the ear in the kitchen I'm in the living room how come when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for a beer you're nowhere to be found now I'm having a private conversation in code and your satellite ears all this time just what's going on over here how come you didn't bite me I said honey you don't like baseball my wife my wife doesn't like baseball you know how I know she doesn't like baseball i watch it on TV and she walks by that TV and goes how can you watch is there a game every day no ma'am sometimes there's two now all the sudden I'm spending $500 on tickets and guess who's an Astros fan all the time captain evil now I gotta call my buddy tell my buddy the captain evil has to come I call him up say man I got bad news he said water go captain evil has to come here's all that's good news I was trying to figure out how to tell you deal Zebub has to come that's that's what he calls his wife deals above but not to her face he calls her angel as the devil was an angel - I call mine honey short for the honey badger now the four of us are going to the game I tell my wife before we leave I go you're gonna get cold wear a coat need to wear a coat it's cold wear a coat sweater something shouldn't you shouldn't wear any of it it didn't match her outfit I brought a coat I brought a coat who's wearing a coat now not not me I'm freezing my ass off captain evil is toasty ready I don't even get to sit next to my buddy I'm sitting here kept any balls here deals have bums here is way over there don't even get to talk we just look at each other they talk they're talking oh yeah not even about baseball oh my god I went over to the Macy's that 20% of it amazing I got this for $17 I wonder if they smell wine baby think they sell wine go check at least now why am i watching the game no like an [ __ ] I'm walking around trying to see if they sell wine and I can't ask just one person I have to ask the entire stadium because God forbid I sit back down with no wine and my wife she's another woman we wine in the entire game I have to hear she has line how come she has line look she has wine that's why I could tell that's why that's wine she has a good husband I'll go get it [ __ ] it I'll just go get it you don't care you don't care about me you don't care about me her husband cares her hope she has wine that's wine I can tell it's what I'm sitting down finally I get back after an hour and a half she has a beer in her hand well you took forever you ask God for help god help me right now please finally I sit down I'm finally enjoying the game that I've dreamt about and every time they would hit a foul ball I would jump out of my seat so with my buddy hoping the foul ball was coming to me the foul ball would go off and I jump up about the fourth time I look back at my wife she's you're an idiot you know that I said really honey cuz if Louie Vuitton we're flying over that fence there'd be some dead [ __ ] here at the [ __ ] tickets would be $3,000 a ticket and somehow we'd find room in our budget I'm trying to say ladies is you're a bad person sometimes you know okay first of all nothing's yours you get married it's not yours anymore nothing nothing is yours sometimes I go to McDonald's man I don't care I get crazy I go to McDonald's for dinner I might call her first I'm not stupid I don't know why I call her I already know the answer I know what she's gonna say hey babe going to McDonald's McDonough Megan yeah are you sure you are yeah yeah I'm pretty sure I drove into the McDonald's I called you asked you if you wanted make nah I'm pretty [ __ ] sure oh if you like making decisions don't get married my wife makes decisions for me I don't even know why she asks hey babe how many hot dogs do you want I'll take three - I said three let's head back you think you should have three that wasn't the question that was not the question the questions how many do I want in the answer three sometimes I say four give me four so still bring two so still bring two I'll sit down get my McDowell ask her very clearly do you want McDonald's my wife will say no she will say no and I'll make her text it to me I will you text that to me I need evidence I need proof and you test it to me and I go home with my McDonald's I sit on the couch I rip the bag open like a man I put the French fries on the bag I take a little little salt and pepper make a rule nut and here comes captain evil oh my god this is no good he's gonna say I shouldn't I really know you shouldn't cuz I thought my god I just want a few then I want to bought you a few I would it says no right here on the phone it says no that's the same few says no you want a feel I want to bunt you a large we could've had a few throw them away those all right how come you didn't bring barbecue sauce is that for me she'll get the last one on that piece of [ __ ] she doesn't real cute yeah get your staining I got a ten piece in the car I know what I'm doing I'm Steve Trevino thank you very much and no matter no matter no matter how big or small a show I do whether there's ten people or ten thousand I always say that we can't forget while we live in a great country we live in a great country because men and women volunteer to defend it that's our US military tonight and let's not let's also not forget that there's some men and women in this room that's served in the Vietnam War let's not forget about them all our Vietnam vets give them a round of applause we're very very lucky people tonight very very lucky because in the in the hall in the house tonight I have some of our wounded veteran heroes they're right over here all my wounded rest em up laughter them that goes into scars thank you all of you thank you we knew in South Texas respect you and honor you thank you very much one more applause and now ladies and gentlemen from right here in Corpus Christi Texas asleep and straw hey what's up Oh daddy processing I'm an American oh man I'm yeah I love flex it boy I have a I see the Osaka the morality shackle I love this man oh yeah uh-oh very good another solo man I love ya nice waiter Oh what is he here Samantha

Channel: Steve Trevino

Views: 1,440,712

Rating: 4.87707 out of 5

Keywords: Funny, Texan, Steve Trevino, comedy, married life, marriage, stand up, comic, Corpus Christi, comedian, captain evil

Id: i1NwrpibqFY

Length: 23min 31sec (1411 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 19 2015