Steve Treviño - Relatable - Part 1 (of 2)

Corpus Christi [Applause] I got tired of watching comedy specials on TV filmed in California and we're gonna do it right here in South Texas nothing better than being home man I love this place I love this town man I'm honored that you here man and I hope you have a good time tonight cuz you're all gonna be on TV with me tonight are you ready I gotta tell you man I uh I live in California now if you ever get a chance to go to LA don't it's it's hard for me I was you know I have a Texas brain living in California that'll mix hey I'll tell you this so I bought a house people tell you that when you make money you should get into real estate so I did they say you can't go wrong yeah yeah you can I bought a house I was even being smart I bought a house with the house behind the house to rent the house behind the house tell me pay for the house and I rented the house behind the house they helped me pay for the house and the people in the house behind the house well they didn't pay rent and I couldn't kick them out because in California they protect those pieces of [ __ ] seven months they lived in my house rent-free three months in a not paying rent they come to my house tell me I need to fix the AC so I beat the [ __ ] out of them in my front yard and now I have a restraining order on my own house that wouldn't happen in Texas somebody somebody doesn't pay rent in Texas I could walk in my house shoot them both in the face and the cops would come and go why did you do that oh god they wouldn't leave that cops go well you got to do what you got to do I guess tell you I'll tell you this story I was in my backyard the other night at midnight in my underwear smoking a cigarette like a man I say like a man cuz when I was younger you couldn't get me to take my shirt off but now that I'm fat hairy and married well I don't give a [ __ ] really up in my if I'm in my underwear and I have to go outside well I just do and whatever flip-flops are by the door whether they're my wife's pink bedazzled [ __ ] huh I'll slip those fluffy sons of [ __ ] on and go outside and I'm not afraid to admit they're nice they're pretty damn nice I was outside with my dog I have a dog his name is Jax me and uh me and Jax were in the backyard smoking cigarettes and we were having our normal conversation about how much we hate my wife then all sudden Jax started to bark at something in the corner when I went over to go see what it was it was a possum I don't know if you've ever seen a possum but those aren't animals those are gargoyles or some creepy [ __ ] and I don't know why the English language named it possum that's too cute okay in Spanish we named it duck watch it as if somebody said would you like to see my possum you know yeah I think I might but if somebody said you want to see my [ __ ] watch it go I'll [ __ ] you put your pants back on I don't want to say I went over there and and the possum that knock watch it just went out Jack's left my dog was like [ __ ] you I don't need this [ __ ] cuz I thought it was a squirrel or something cute I went to the garage to get a shovel cuz I'm gonna kill that stupid son of a [ __ ] there's any animal stupid enough to let me leave get a weapon come back and still be there deserves to die when I came back and there he was so I hit him on the head hard and the possum just went as I go [ __ ] I better go put some pants on I went inside I put some pants on I came back outside guess who was waiting for me the possum but not only the possum my shitty Prius driving tree-hugging organic eating neighbor Hollywood Nate she was waiting for me she never talks to me I've been there a year and a half I've said hi to her I've waved at her she never talks to me she hates me as a matter of fact probably because I have a 1978 k5 blazer yep with a with a 350 in that [ __ ] it gets nine miles to the gallon I told her it's a hybrid it burns gas and oil I walk over there and there she is over the fence what's going on over here I heard a shovel like dang lady you really got to be listening to hear a shuffle I said there's a possum and she has oh you're not gonna kill it are you I said no ma'am I have this shovel here to massage him said yeah I'm gonna kill him she just don't do that call animal control said lady I'm from Texas I am animal control I go you have any wild hogs here she goes no I thought you're welcome she left she left she gave me that look she left I still had a possum to kill and and hitting him on the head wasn't working so I decided to choke that [ __ ] out I took this shovel I took I put on his neck and I leaned on him and he was still talking shout now he was going to sleep and I'll say you better tap out he didn't he died and I put him on the end of my shovel to throw him in the street like a normal person act like I don't know what the [ __ ] happened as I'm walking to the street listen to this Texas as I'm walking to the street to cop cars for police officers and an animal control vehicle rolled up on me my neighbor had called the cops and they wrote me a ticket six hundred and fifty dollars for killing a possum in my backyard and I know I know there's somebody in the room right now going good that's what you get and if you're one of those people you're listen to me you piece of [ __ ] next time next time you call the cops because you're getting mugged or your house got broken into and you're wondering where those cops are well there was me stupid and my possum you know do an important [ __ ] 650 dollars men that wouldn't happen in Texas if I was beating the [ __ ] out of a possum right here in South Texas I'm pretty sure my neighbor to pop their head over the fence but they probably say something like you're gonna come over and help like a real neighbor where the weapons here shoot him in the face with this what is that a nail gun well you don't want to wake everybody up then they're gonna want to eat too I'm proud to say I've lost 35 pounds this year 30 yeah those of you didn't clap [ __ ] you you didn't clap because you have no idea how hard it is I I am I it's hard it is hard and I've been running there's people come up to me how did you do yeah there's not a secret pill I just ran I [ __ ] ran and I made my fat pride I made my fat cry I cried a little bit too I'm gonna be honest me I thought I I mean I'm in a large I used to be in an extra-large I'm in a large yeah it's a it's a stand-up large I can't sit down yet but I look good Sam looks good standing up on Tara I uh I live in West Hollywood so the gym I go to they're all gay a lot of gay big gay men big I'm pretty sure they could [ __ ] me if they wanted to I've never worried as a grown man about getting raped but I think I think now it's a possibility I'm looking forward to getting raped to be honest with you that way at least I know I have a nice body you know I Steve how do you know you're in a good shape oh my [ __ ] hurts I got raped you know how good you have to look to get raped by man that would be amazing that means there's some gay dude at my gym going that son of a [ __ ] every time he walks buying those yoga pants that's the son of a [ __ ] some of you wonder you know Steve why do you work out at a gay gym I'll tell you why cuz I have a wife and my wife works out at that gym and I don't know if you've seen women's workout clothes but it's not closed it's like they spray painted on or it's like extra skin or something my wife's like I'm going to the gym I'm like really honey in that you're gonna wear that why don't you wear the [ __ ] you go to sleep in why don't you once you wear those shitty sweats in them that t-shirt three sizes too big the one with the pit stains and the hole in the side why can't I wear this because I can see your potato honey I get everybody can stare at your duck watch it honey she it's not like I tell her what to do my you know my wife you know she does whatever she wants and I tell my wife she does you're jealous you don't want me to wear this outfit cuz you're a jet no I'm not jealous I'm not I know men I know I'm one of them and we're disgusting and I'm telling you ladies right now when you were yoga pants we follow you and we wait till you get on that machine like that anyway and then we just stare at your potato we just stare sometimes my wife shall wear a shirt no bra she does this shirt doesn't need a bra we'll [ __ ] put one on why cos you're jealous no because men love free-range kitties that's why if there's a woman and sitting down right now that's not wearing a bra we all know where you're sitting we all know there's a camera guy in the back going did you see her did you see her I put the camera on her I put the kid we're disgusting the other day I forgot I was at the gym at the gay gym I forgot one of those girls and yoga pants was doing that the whole potato in the air and I was I was looking and I was creepy and I hit the guy next to me cuz he wasn't looking I said hey hey pay attention oh yeah I see him oh you're gay man you're really gay that's what makes me realize you're you're born what you are you don't you don't choose to be gay I'll give you an example this is how men are let me give you an example I shop with my wife all right I don't shop really I sit on the bench in the middle of the mall and my wife treats me like an eight-year-old wait here wait right here you better not leave answer your phone you better be right here I just sit there I sit there there's always some other [ __ ] sitting there he's we don't talk but there's nothing to say we just sit there the only time we make contact this when one of you girls walks by in yoga pants that's the only time and then we look at each other to make sure we both sign I I didn't tell him I didn't tell him I didn't kick him we just saw it cuz that's you you are what you are I love tits I don't know why I love them I love them and I I don't know my wife does they're just fat I go yeah but they're fat with nipples and they're awesome sometimes we watch TV and my wife likes to lay in front of me on the sofa I have to grab at it my wife's like are you serious yeah I'm pretty serious right now that's why I got married saying grab tits whenever I want that's what I love them and I some of you women some of you women you get insecure about your tits and I'm telling you as a man don't do not some women my tits are small I would like to see them I only have one tip can I see it oh I'm an old lady my titties sag ma'am if you don't mind I'm telling you if an old lady came up to me and said young man would you like to see these old lady titties head go yes yes I would yes just make it quick make it quick my wife's coming make it quick my wife gives me that look the the pathetic look oh you're just at Scott's thing I know what I like I know I know what I like and I tell you how I know I'm straight I don't remember choosing to be a straight man I just know that I am you know why cuz I see tits and my dick says go lie to her you should give her half your [ __ ] I'll tell you a woman owns half my [ __ ] not a man and I'm pretty sure it's cuz she has a vagina I'm pretty sure I have seen dick I've seen it I have free range dick I've seen it live football practice in football there would be one pole in the middle of the shower and showerheads and we would all shower right there and men would soak their dick right next to me sometimes I would glance I would glance just to see what I'm up against and never once have I glanced at one of those and said hey how can I get that in my mouth never once as I've seen men soak their dick and nothing happens nothing actually something happens actually my dick goes inside my body I get what I call a reverse boner and my penis hides from the other dicks like what the [ __ ] Steve don't we have a shower at the house this is [ __ ] but I'm telling you right now if there was so people join us there I would be lightheaded that's what I'm saying I just ladies I don't know what happens to you when you see dick I don't know you straight women you see dick some something happens right maybe your mouth waters I don't know a little clip boner I don't know something get a little get a little twitchy [ __ ] [Applause] I put my dick on women I've done it slow dancing I'll put my dick on them and they don't they don't they don't take me off they don't and I'm telling you as a straight man if a dick touches me just a little bit just right there [ __ ] you haircuts over I'll get up right there yeah you ever get the huts hey man your dick touch me right there hey I don't even know if it was your dick but it was in the dick area oh thanks a lot [ __ ] now I have to eat a hot dog with a fork and a knife I have no I have no problem with the gays I don't care my motto is focus on yourself and that's what I do I focus on myself that's what I do now you know the gays they want to get married which i think is stupid I think it's dumb no because I'm married and that's a [ __ ] dumb idea you know how much I would have loved to be able I wish it was illegal for us to I would have loved to be able to look at my wife and go we can baby it's against the law honey it's you can hang out here all you want but all these shits don't mind right awhile now I don't recommend it I don't it's hard what marriage is whoo some woman yeah if it is it is what marriage is maybe the hardest thing I've ever done and I love my wife that's why I married her but mother [ __ ] you know I mean sometimes I pass her in the hallway and I just go [ __ ] you Matt out loud in my head your enemy like you piece of [ __ ] what kind of animal squeezes the toothpaste from the middle what kind of oh you laugh but every morning I wake up to a big [ __ ] you to me and I tell her I tell her I tell her I hate it but tonight [ __ ] you there it is I respect my wife and her pet peeves I respect them she wants me to take out the trash I take it out even though I know all I got to do is push it down but mine are the toothpaste every morning [ __ ] yeah I tell her I go you roll it you roll it yep yeah you push it and you roll it and I'll beg sometimes I bigger sometimes I beg my wife baby please baby it drives me crazy can you just honey if you could please I beg I beg and then the next morning [ __ ] you there it is and I'll lose it I'll lose my [ __ ] you both sure my wife okay that came out of nowhere jump it all the toothpaste the way she'll just throw it away she doesn't pinch the corners you pinch the corners that's what I that's what I use every morning I have a drawer of unpinch corners that I use cuz I guess to my wife toothpaste is free I guess it's [ __ ] free I never thought I never thought I would grow up to be a pinch the corner guy I never thought my dad's my dad's a pinch the corner guy and me and my sisters would sit on the couch and my dad on a Saturday would come in what you pitch but father there's this look don't tell ya my sister what's wrong with it now that's me now I'm the guy my dad used to walk around the house turning off lights talking to himself I guess we're rich I guess we're rich who's gonna play who's gonna pay I'm gonna pay I'm gonna pay I used to think it was crazy now I'm that [ __ ] walking around my house nobody's even home just by myself I guess we're rich I guess we're rich but you do it man you get married and Wow they're expensive man women fool I thought I thought they were born beautiful that is not the case all you single men in this audience you listen to daddy listen to me good you see a woman with highlights run that [ __ ] is expensive right God God did not put highlights in her head a gay man did and he knows more about your wife than you do I look at me I cost nothing nothing sometimes like I go months nothing my wife something something that toes that something that cost money it cost money oh yeah she every week she goes to a Chinese lady pays her $50 to rip the hairs off of her vagina the Chinese lady sees her [ __ ] more than me and it comes back red and beat-up I don't even do that to it she says it's for me I do it for you that's really because I can do it Harry I don't have a problem I used to in high school I know what I'm doing ah you let me do it in the winter I don't see what the problem is you want to do something for me let it grow out send me $50 a whack you gotta be a man you grow up to be it's tough man it is tough I don't even Drive the nice car I don't drive a nice car my wife drives the nice car I Drive the [ __ ] car that's my car with the [ __ ] 1 my wife doesn't care that it's brand new I don't drive her a car sometimes sometimes I Drive it every once in a while and every time no gas no [ __ ] gas every time every time I get in the car it's gonna help can you you know as my wife does my wife care that it's a new car does she give a [ __ ] no she doesn't she's wrecked at eight times that's not the funny part on the same spot in the same spot of the garage she doesn't care oh my god is there everyday same garage hey I even hung a tennis ball in there to tell you when to stop but apparently I don't I don't do anything right so [ __ ] it right to the back I walked outside the other day the fender gone gone just gone I said honey you know you were gonna tell me oh my god you didn't see I don't know where that happen maybe it happened in the garage where it's hanging maybe that's what happened we're best friends right no no we're not best friends cuz my best friend wouldn't do that [ __ ] my best friend's not gonna wrap my car much let's do it seven more times and if my best friend did wrecked my car he would feel like [ __ ] cuz he's a person he would call me outside and go Steve I wrecked your car and I feel horrible I'm gonna get it fixed I'm sorry and I could see that you're upset right now and if I was a woman to make you feel better would suck your dick he's my best friend he knows that's my favorite you're saying we're best friends honey it will be a pal can you be a bud Oh laugh it up all you single guys get married they stop they stop I used to get him all she'd murder it she'd murder it oh man when we were dating like a porn star with work ethic she had work ethic we're married now now she does it like somebody's holding a gun to her head [Applause] how long do I have to do things well a little longer now honey you took something that involves no talking but somehow we're having a conversation it's a job honey [ __ ] it says it right there in the title it's not blow fun it's not blow vacation so get down there close your eyes hold your breath clock in and go to work I don't know who Louis Vuitton is but ever meet him I'm gonna punch him in the throat you got to encourage you got to encourage she wants a bag you know yeah baby yeah get that one oh yeah that's a different kind of black I can see that Oh Brown we don't have enough brown ones get another one baby let's get shoes and bags that's what we need who needs a savings account shoes and bags look at this shirt that way when the economy goes to [ __ ] we have something to trade honey that's a good job Louis Vuitton and Michael Kors there's a new [ __ ] in town Rebecca I know mall I should not but I do I know MA I here's my biggest problem with being married is the fact that my wife makes the rules but doesn't have to follow them [Applause] if she wants to hang out with her friends she just does there's no conversation she just wakes up and leaves and I'm at home scared because I don't know what I'm supposed to do she didn't leave a list I don't know what to wear there's no food what am I gonna do I can't I can't I can't hang out with my friends without having there's paperwork involved I got to have a meeting a sales pitch I got to put together a slideshow thanks for coming babe on this first slide you'll see I've been taking my lunch to work and I've managed to save $30 on this next slide you'll see a coupon for golf which I would like to use on myself golf balls you say no I'm not gonna buy any I'm gonna stop through the forest like an [ __ ] fine see me can't call my wife can't call her but she's with her friends if I call her I get what what why that's if she answers what what we're busy what in the history of nail salons you've never seen women outside of those nail salons on the phone you've never seen it but every bar in America there's a man underneath the tree I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't even know what I did but I'm sorry I I was gonna have one more beer no I don't need another beer [ __ ] it I'm coming home who needs friends honey I'm coming home [ __ ] him that's if my wife answers the phone sometimes she doesn't answer sometimes she doesn't even answer I'm calling and texting and I'm pissed I'm ready to kill him I'll kill her I'm pissed and she comes home and I go right to the phone you were trying to call and she looks at her phone but I had my phone off for four hours while I was with my friends are you [ __ ] kidding me I would get home to the police and my parents and her parents and her grandparents and my dead grandparents and they'd all be there and they'd all be scolded me how dare you do that to her she was worried about junior peak not sure what kind of Amanda Harris on your team isn't [ __ ] that's why that's why I don't hang out with single guys single man you don't get it you think you're a man honor a man all you got to do is take care of yourself you don't even do that well you're not a man until you have a woman telling you what to do you want you want to learn about patience and how not to kill another human being you get married if I play golf with my single friends and my wife calls and I answer my single friends I say my married friends like oh [ __ ] hey do what you got to do just just let us know if we got a go well she'll call she'll call she'll call you better answer you can't go what do you can't get the talk you have to solve her problem whatever it is whatever her problem is you have to solve it you have to be a man it's always something stupid it's only some [ __ ] I'll be playing golf and here it comes hello yeah honey no I remember you approved it you playing golf baby girl what could I do for you would you need to play a DVD you don't know how to play a DVD I'm not laughing at you all right baby I'll fix it when I'm done no we'll take care of it right now yeah who needs to hang out with these other three guys [ __ ] them yeah TV and put honey maybe you should let me talk you asked me for help remember on the on the remote baby TV input on the remote control you don't see the remote control TV I'm not yelling I'm not yelling at you it says TV input baby HDMI what remote are you using yeah that remote doesn't do [ __ ] why you mad at me you're the one that called me I'm standing out are they that time hello hello oh [ __ ] I gotta go let's see what she wants to play a DVD my wife can shop that woman can shop all day all the time that woman can she gets home Pinterest Pinterest then trick look at there look at this look at this look at there what do you think of this this what about this I don't know should show shop all day all day she'll come home with 30 bags on a Saturday 30 and we have to play prices right she'll pull an item out okay how much do you think actual retail Pratt I don't give a [ __ ] no serious babe actual okay how much actual retail price I used to love price is right and you killed it you killed it for me I hate that game now ask me okay how much did I pay how much did I pay [Music] three dollars I got that for three dollars okay three dollars if I hit it I hit it and I came back and I got it for three dollars she comes home with all the bags and she lays all the stuff out in the living room she has to lay it out the she has to tell me everything about everything she turns into an auctioneer let me take a over to Mason over to Maci a 30% I've had another 20 percent object a percent off $7.00 right I got that over at Macy's got that 40% off method I'm coming out over here over there [Music] oh so I'm over here in the corner two four one one four two two four one one four two I got four pairs of shoes for the sassy 35 bucks that's that's good baby now how much did we spend you have to ask they won't tell you you have to ask have you don't ask you don't get an answer you have to ask how much tell me how much 400 you got all that how did you spend $400 well these she's a million

Channel: Steve Trevino

Views: 5,087,255

Keywords: comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, funny, stand up, steve trevino, captain evil, steven trevino, corpus christi, comic, steve treviño, texan, married life, marriage

Id: ZZEhYTAwoyM

Length: 34min 55sec (2095 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 20 2019