r/Tinder | click to instantly cringe

for context i am 30. hi nora i just saw you on tinder and i'm super into older women just thought i'd say hi oh god i've reached the age where i'm an older woman let me just lay on the floor and await the sweet embrace of death geez hello you very likely single simpletons welcome back to mk my name's jack your extremely skilled and professional dating guru for this evening are you lonely are you mopey do you wish to or to be chow down are you yearning for that feeling of the thing love do you want that well i will be honest you probably won't get it but don't worry today we're gonna look at some fun content that should be somewhat relevant to your struggles in the dating industry welcome to our slash tinder folks time to remember why trying to date people sucks girls on tinder drinking alcohol oh is this a personality oh of course not but hey wanting to travel liking food and adventures well you've got a great just fully in-depth person right there may i send you eggplant pictures didn't want to send anything unsolicited pretty dope that you asked first but no thanks oh another woman who does not care for the success that is my eggplant farm haha laffy cry emoji laundry is my favorite chore actually why didn't you just do it it's fun wanna bust some nuts i'm allergic to nuts you don't have to swallow you can get it on your face yeah i don't think you know how allergies work that would also cause anaphylaxis due to exposure are you this charming to all your tinder matches how's that working out for you at the moment i'm getting more butt than a toilet seat at a bus station that's an apt metaphor for you as you are both gross and also full of it yes cue him calling her an ugly female puppy dog anyway in three two nice thighs what's a sapiosexual google it i'm cementing it well i'm done explaining it so it says they're only attracted to smart fellas which sucks because i'm only a fart [Laughter] ah smelly on you gotta give him that that is that's good word play that is that's smart word play oh i see his end game here you're disgusting but that was such a smart reply oh my gosh dude how the frick do you look that good wait girls send messages like this huh how cool i don't know i'm just swole you're very toned and i am in awe i wish i was half as attractive as you god i hope a house has flood insurance i'm down to reproduce so our kid can be average oh dude oh come on when tinder says someone likes you but you've been swiping for 20 minutes and still haven't found them where banana banana bot banana bar banana bart orion's belt is a huge waste of space terrible joke only three stars you super like that right now girls are like parking spaces the good ones are always taken so just use the disabled one whilst anyone's looking rio 2016 paralympian yes nothing more charming in a partner the one who degrades himself but with a smile like that how couldn't you park there t23 just because i'm bisexual doesn't mean i want to threesome i mean i do want to threesome but that's just a coincidence jesus christ bet you can see into the future with lenses that thick oh i definitely can and from what i'm seeing when we meet up i'll be taking my glasses off because i think you'll look better blood i mean they weren't even that bad as an opener it wasn't cutting you down that hard surely hey can you fix my brain buddy i can't even fix my own brain nihilism heart oh hi colleen to send or not to send hmm what do i do boys oh oh gee dangerously towing the line between trying to be bantery flirty or coming across as aggressively horny either way nothing ventured nothing gained send how many chickens do you think it would take to kill an elephant i don't know probably just this one if you haven't seen this video just look up big white rooster on youtube not the other side oh my gosh that's a big ass chicken yeah it's a huge [ __ ] well there you have it fellas proof that girls do in fact like cockpits hi there ariel 22 what's on your mind oh you know stuff you your ex who swiped right so you wanna bang fun fact did you know the average baby smiles 200 times a day women smile an average of 62 times and men at a whopping eight times but your profile definitely brought my average up amazing flawless execution how are you doing this fine evening or morning if you don't see this till then it's kind of sad how you can tell this is an opener from a woman because there is a complete lack of reference to anyone's genitalia like come on man let's get a bit more creative please i can tell you're fat by all the face pics thanks no problem that's a good pickup line so what are you up to late night snacking i'm confused is he is he wanting her or is he literally got nothing else to do with his time ash25 not letting my grandma out until you swipe right do what she says i want grandchildren can i be honest with you sure what's up tall dark hair blue eyes you're just my type oh well is that so my eyes are green but okay a swing and a miss well you've got the bluest looking green eyes i've ever seen nailed it hey your guitar it's missing a string e b g a e well luckily i can give you the d eat me out you can call me joe biden because i'm a wind georgia tonight then why is your tinder german but i guess it doesn't matter because you got the snapchat buddy well done to you dang girl are you a microwave because we should go out soon oh the microwave is making weird noises ah must be broke i think you need to hit it you're really pretty i definitely wouldn't mind holding your hand in public hey this is actually kind of sweet and endearing and not gross like a lot of the starting lines here good as to you dude and he was then ignored for the next day because he did not have abs unlike steve who she matched with an hour later tiny violin noises when a hot girl starts the chat on tinder something's wrong i can feel it hey can i just say that you plus that white outfit is the second hottest thing i've seen all day oh hey thank you the what is the first hottest thingy you minus that white outfit do you like 50 cent yes like not actively anymore but at one point yes do you like 50 cent yes but did you know what 50 cent did when he was hungry tell me 58. chris 27 i want to do adult things with you taxes pay the mortgage oh make sure we turn off all the lights our utility bill is 300 freaking dollars this month love hearty face hey gia can i just say that you plus that white outfit equals the second hottest thing i've seen all day oh no oh he's copied it oh he's the original one i can't tell but this guy couldn't wait for a reply do you want to do the first oh what's it you minus the white outfit monkey explosion heart heart broken you haven't seen it though then not true but a man can imagine how wild can you imagine wild enough that i imagined having a shot with you oh buddy don't respond with a self-degrading comment come on still no in person dates how do you know that it's in your bio whoa it was when i messaged you but i just looked and now it's not are you okay yeah i'm literally not even kidding when i looked it said judah covered no in person dates oh you're confusing me with another profile okay i'm very confused right now let's restart hey how are you i'm good but you should know i'm not doing in person [Laughter] well done well done oh perfect troll hey i was wondering if you have some latino in you i do not do you want some straight man 27 miles away i'm fat small pee pee i got a dog and i can cook wait girls be like oh my gosh she has a dog when you get zero matches on tinder but then you post your bio on ah tinder and people actually like it they love me so why the secrecy on tinder if i tell you you might get mad at me i doubt that well i'm married it's fine it's fine it's fine it's fine it's fine girl are you a 90 degree angle because you look just right oh well then you must be a 45 degree angle because you're a cutie oh [ __ ] that was really good well i hope i'm not too obtuse when i say you're cute as hell we're both pretty good at these there must be a sign this could just be a start of something sweet as pie just frick already there's me is it me mario you need the plumber to lay on your pipes here we go pictures on tinder profile sleek daring deadly when you meet oh gasps what are some things you were good at cooking hey oh how's it going and i'm good at math you were starting 2021 a little too strong priscilla mindy 19. i can't run by mindy's boyfriend but i need someone to take her off my hands she's on my last nerve birth control effectiveness condoms 98 iuds 99 using bathroom selfie on tinder 100 don't worry babe i've got a bathroom selfie all over the walls hi this is pastor samuel i have something i really need to tell you i hope this don't freak you out i just noticed your profile i actually just joined the site when i saw your profile i immediately started crying because about a month ago god showed me a dream about who my future wife is going to be you are definitely the one i seen in my dream i really need to talk to you about this i am definitely real this is just uncoincidentally broken english um yeah i'm sorry but no but i'm dramatically romantic that's what girls like country old stuff freak yourself you absolute insufferable no i don't think that's how the song goes are you an apple specialist because i need help with my phone i'm both now tell me what's wrong with it it um it doesn't have your number in it hey blurry i could use a good or bad joke what you got you know what's odd what's odd every other number that's funny eat me out yeah it is so what do you like to do for fun i'm sorry but why does every guy ask this question i'm 29 but i go out every night and snort coke and frick every guy that moves no i'm 29 so i work i pay bills i clean my house then i sleep that's my fun well it's difficult to find things to talk about unless we know each other's interests that that's why i asked hey siri how do you tell someone you're a downer without saying you're a downer ladies it is perfectly okay to have an only fans there's nothing wrong with that however it is not okay to advertise it on tinder like a spam bot or an mlm salesperson yeah i'm pretty sure if the guy wanted nothing more than just the booty he'd go somewhere else a rather specific hub comes to mind oh gosh does this mean i have to start carrying a bookmark if i don't want to lose you well funny oh man you probably get that a lot don't you no actually i've never heard that one dang well i've noticed that most pages have numbers but i didn't happen to catch yours oh thank god for float insurance you deserve that let's say we go on a date we talk for a while then you invite me over we start watching a movie and in between our eyes get locked you ask me to pick you up i'm about to pick you up but i have a question okay shoot i ask vodka how should i pick you up horizontally or vertically if he wasn't laughing giddily to himself as he sent that message no me looking at terrible pick up lines getting guys laid on tinder knowing damn well if i did the same thing i'd get unmatched and reported you said that and she liked it she she like wow she liked that did she that swell it's really cool man good proud of you i'm proud of you jeanne yes thank you i can speak polish perfectly i don't speak polish so i have no idea what you're saying ah genius we could meet up and frick without speaking communicating to each other let me translate tinder that's a popular user you just liked you should send a super like me no i don't think i will it'll put you to the front of the queue it'll make me look desperate that's all how are you i'm good thanks how are you i'm all right what you're up to this might sound weird but to be honest i'm currently making a powerpoint for my co-workers to argue that our bosses are having an affair just just straight into the tee wow that's nice evening why did the cat fall in the well because i pushed it no it's because it didn't see that well well of course if it saw better it'd see me trying to push it in okay is this a vendetta cat allergy what's the deal i just wanted to see some wet ass kitty lol you haven't achieved it chinese say your country was responsible for all this stuff yep go china can you stop eating disgusting foods like eew for instance bats or even dog your mom's kitty last night does that count nope doesn't count that's how we stand up to racism folks fornicate with their mothers how's your day going uh my day's been okay you it's been all right what are you up to today currently at the funeral home my grandma passed away on tuesday i'm sorry to hear that so when can i ride your face whenever you want i get off shift today tonight just freak out oh you okay why i'm sorry i'll leave so would you prefer a terrible dad joke or a dirty pickup line ah just raced me i mean we talking shoot your shot cowboy but if it's about my forehead forget it i've heard them all i was actually gonna compliment you on the size of your forehead it's a nice distraction from the disappointment that it's your tits your dogger was cute thank you his name is remy and he is my son well who's the father the pregnancy must have been rough do you have snap i do hit me up i don't want to see your dick or send nudes who the hell scarred you from using snapchat jesus christ literally almost every other male in any dating app ever right oh yep fair enough so recently discovered the fact that most people don't know despite being the largest animals on the planet blue whales don't have giant buttholes their anuses measure anywhere from 10 to 25 centimeters or roughly the size of a grapefruit oh and where did you learn this fact from let's see world get a match score her snapchat join her only fans score her venmo pay her water bill you some other guy and a boyfriend hey hey so i'm interested in a sugar baby relationship is that something you're looking for i can't give you money but i have some spider-man fruit snacks you can have me having never gotten a tinder match in my life going through the subreddit like ah that's that that's hot luke 21 hey i'm not gay or anything i'm just here to give you a break from the entertain me and here for a good time not a long time girls chill out for a sec maybe listen to some of the music clips i have on here if you're into rap try out mother freaking doom he's underrated but pretty near goat status for me anyways keep your head up king some of these ladies are lame but you'll find what you're looking for soon thank you kite sir you're the best car door i could have ever matched with hey this is like really weird but are you willing to trade nudes for money and possibly just talk i summoned the uno reverse card in attack position sure i charge ten dollars per pick but it's only forty dollars for five picks one minute videos are forty five dollars let me know what kind of stuff you wanna see i love your tattoos how many do you have oh be more original your bio is six words an emoji and your instagram handle i wonder if you can see the irony of asking me to be original yeah you can leave now you freaking weird kitty kitty water tribe sure this is rock bottom me do you need some help oh sure that'd be great thanks it's just a little short fee don't worry you you can't you'll get them you get those matches they're just you know they're just they're out there you just had a little paywall you know hello i am speak american that's not grammatically correct though though the two unwritten rules for tinder one be attractive and two simply don't be unattractive if you can match that you're fine what's that only about 30 percent of the surplus population are considered above average looks oh oh dear me logging in as a girl on tinder to see the competition time to make some notes me saying i'm the ugliest guy in my city what i'll rephrase the question what do you plan on doing with your time off shopping travel right you're very cute shame your conversation is lacking what say what again golden rule of dating apps 101 if the replies are consistently less than three words or they don't throw any questions back to you asking about you within like three replies just unmatch them you are wasting your time uh me full of hope reinstalling tinder with a brand new profile picture every woman in a 50 kilometer radius uninstalling tinder now see what you do you got to come back with abs in one of your profile pictures but you don't bring attention to it just be like oops oh where did these come from that and get your neighbor's dog in your profile as well somehow that dogs and abs honestly every time knuck knack who's there where when where when who my place tomorrow you and me it's good i'm off at six nah lies no way is that person totally comfortable with coming to a stranger's house like that that nah well it's that time of the evening of our regularly scheduled madness where we look at some fan art huzzah now today's work is by ripper bird who i heard is the word and they've done us a little stylish and latty amazing mk cipher i love this genuinely i love gravity falls when it was the thing i am constantly in conflict over wishing there were more seasons but also it didn't need more anyway enough of my own self-loathing i love the artwork thank you so much ripper bird is the word and remember as always if you'd like to see your own fan art on the mk channel at some point post your work in the mk subreddit so we can uh grab them for the next video and look at you making it to the end of this one thank you so much for watching as always i hope you learned some great tips in your dating life primarily not to waste your time constantly pursuing one seriously if you're gonna rely on the fact you need someone to be happy then you're just signing up for stockholm syndrome kind of relationship and i'm sorry but beauty and the beast is not a good relationship model anyway i hope you've had a good time today and hope you love to smile to do all those good feeling vibe things whatever you call that stuff my name has been jack i hope you had a good time and make sure you like this video to show your appreciation for our glorious efforts in keeping you happy and also day why aren't you subscribed as well come on what are you doing not subscribing who do you think you are someone of independent thought in my think so that's okay you're allowed to live in your own fantasy anyway i shall be off it has been a pleasure rambling at you as always i look forward to doing it once more in the next video and until then i love you i'll see you then bye

Channel: EmKay

Views: 597,076

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes, Tinder

Id: rfkw8U3rNpo

Length: 20min 20sec (1220 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 02 2021