r/TIFU My Wife Found This Thong! 😱

welcome to our slash today I act up where Opie's family finds out about his crippling staple addiction today I effed up by joking about ancestry DNA and 23andme this actually happened over Christmas last year my family including my paternal grandparents on uncle and cousins and second cousins were having Christmas dinner my grandfather brought up that he did ancestry DNA or was it 23andme I don't remember the exact one because I can barely think about it it's hard just writing this up it was really cool to hear what he found he found he was mostly Scandinavian spread out over the British Isles particularly Wales we knew this part already but then it was discovered he's 3% Persian very small and probably doesn't mean much really but cool nonetheless he's a huge genealogy guy so he's been working on his lineage the only ancestor he's mentioned that makes me question the validity of his findings is that we're a direct but illegitimate descendent of King George the third the reason why I question this is King George the third is recorded as one of the few kings who never had a mistress however he believes it because there's a diary passed down in our family from the brother of this woman who supposedly was a mistress at King George a third we're descended from that woman he mentions traditions and the honor et cetera etc anyway off topic I thought it was fascinating and I love hearing what he's found I brought up possibly using my Christmas money we got money from them instead of gifts to get one of these kids I don't think I was really going to do it I usually use the money to pay bills silence and it was that thick uncomfortable silence everyone but me my sister our husbands and parents left the table my sister and I look at each other quietly wondering who's the half sibling my parents haven't said anything yet and trust me this is a complete surprise that it would even be an issue we look like our parents the only thing that's different is my eyes I have weird hazel eyes they can shift from bright green to a weird shade of blue with an amber ring around the iris and light or because of the outfit of the day my sister has hazel eyes too but hers are just a green / brown color I always just figured it was one of those things where it was a recessive trait that just decided to pop up in me I never really thought much about it unless my sister whines about how it's not fair I have such cool pretty eyes well okay dad says there's a chance Opie that you're not my daughter my sister and me had that wide-eyed stunned look my sister grabs my hand I love her big sister weighs I say okay um your mom never had an affair this isn't some cheating story what I start to feel very sick my mom says I hope to never have to tell you this I was taken against my will the reason we're not sure is because your dad and I hugged passionately earlier that day I want to die I start crying and I say everyone else knows though if they left the table your grandparents know my sister says okay well the guy is in jail right no they wouldn't move forward with the case he's still out there and my sister says but obviously we're far away from this guy right my dad and mom look at each other it was my brother I felt so sick I felt dirty I had to run to the bathroom to throw up I couldn't stop shaking my sister came into the bathroom with me and we just cried we probably should have been with my mom then too but we weren't thinking our husbands were just stunned and quiet the rest of the vacation was just weird if it wasn't for my nephews I'm pretty sure I would have just gone home oh my nephew's are wonderful well we came home and I had to battle with the do I want to know thoughts I could get a DNA test but I couldn't do that to my parents if it came out wrong but it weighed on me too much I had no in order to move forward so I asked my dad if he would submit his DNA with mine we weren't going to tell my mother if it wasn't the outcome we wanted to save her the Greve it was hard asking him to not say anything to her he should be able to talk to his wife so we submitted the test I am my father's daughter I cried when I got the results it was a huge weight off my shoulders I made a decision not to tell my dad I wanted to surprise them I kept saying I hadn't gotten the results back I did tell my sister though I gave him the piece of paper on Mother's Day I was going to wait until Father's Day but I couldn't so I got a blank card inside I wrote mom open the paper she opened it and I had written happy Mother's Day and happy early Father's Day lots of hugs and tears that day yeah thank God and then Opie adds more information in an edit it was my uncle on my mother's side I've met him my sister and I were never without our mom or dad in the room if he was there the family did sweep it under the rug because there is a much longer history between him and my mother my parents did try to get him charged but the prosecutor wouldn't go through with it two sperm donors create a reasonable doubt even though yes it was her brother incestuous relationships happen more often than we think which I guess was his reason plus my maternal grandmother and the rest of them didn't believe her my mom didn't go no contact until 2005 when the straw finally broke the camel's back why that long I have no idea those are her reasons she did resume contact a few years ago because my grandmother was dying I guess there was a big talk and she begged for forgiveness grandmother is dead now this happened in Louisiana Opie that was a really gripping story and I'm so happy that you got the outcome that you really wanted today I effed up by wearing the wrong size shoes for my entire adult life okay so by today I F standards this is pretty tame but considering the years of agony I unintentionally put myself through I think it qualifies I have fairly weird sized feet they're very wide but not all that long I have no arch to speak of I'm a fairly short guy about five foot seven and that has always played a role in my shoe size selection I am pretty short so I should be wearing a fairly small size right wrong when I was a kid my mom would measure the new shoe she bought from me by pressing the toe and making sure I had about a half inch to an inch of space to grow into as an adult I assumed well since I'm full-grown I should buy shoes in which my toes reach all the way to the end for me that's a size 10 us problem was I kept blowing out the sides of my shoes with my wide feet no problem I'll switch to size 10 wide still no luck still blowing the sides out of them and suffering chronic foot pain my running shoes were so ill-fated that I actually suffered a hairline fracture from running with my pancake feet jammed into those narrow little torture chambers my friend was getting rid of a bunch of stuff he didn't need including a pair of really nice brand new size 11 and a half white Nikes I said sure effort I'll take him let's see how they fit oh my god it was like wearing pillows made of clouds on my feet I was walking on cotton candy and unicorn parts I had no idea how much misery I had been in until I wore those shoes I wonder now if some of my poor life decisions have just been because I was in a bad mood because of so much needless foot pain and I didn't realize it there's about 3/4 of an inch of room in the toes but that doesn't bother me at all Oh pee it sounds like you're experiencing total relief today I act up by blowing my nose too hard opening the elevators from the shining and having to get my nose cauterized I woke up today and it was like any other day so I thought as I disembarked from the dream train I stumble into the bathroom to deal with my morning routine I noticed my nose felt full I get excited because who doesn't like preaching the booger damn and firing boogers out like a railgun I blew gloriously and felt the sweet release of said booger damn it was like buckshot into a tissue as soon as I did this I knew something was amiss I got that odd feeling you get with a bloody nose dripping but not quite snot it was more fluid I touched my nose with a tissue and I realized it was soaked we're not talking little drips of blood but full-on red as can be I grab a tissue and move the old one to apply the fresh sponge immediately it was pouring a rain of blood in my sink as I hold a new tissue I start to realize I can't breathe and my throat is getting full I spit in the sink and a golf ball-sized glob of coagulated spit blood hits the sink like one of those sticky hands you get from the dollar machines I went to the hospital and spent an hour with a clothespin device on my nose until a doctor could see me he takes his noscope and tells me I've busted a vein and we're going to cauterize it um like as in burned the inside of my nose to sear the vein closed he walks in with a stick and tells me to hold his light I hold it and he goes spelunking poking around and it immediately starts to burn like I poured hot sauce in my nose now I can't blow my nose for three weeks and it's cemented shut from dried blood I'm uncomfortable then we have this contribution from breaking out in cells down in the comments fun story when my brother was 13 or 14 he had the same thing happen the thing is he got his terms mixed up most likely because he had been doing some soul during in tech class so at our parents fancy dinner party later that week he confidently declared that the doctor sodomized his nose that would be the most awkward tinder profile ever hello everyone I'm a 45 year old doctor honestly I'm just a simple guy who's looking for a girl who will let me sodomized her nose today I act up by letting my niece and nephew use my playstation account and ruining my girlfriend's holiday my niece and nephew are the best niece and nephew an uncle could ask for there are bright kind good-natured kids my niece who will call L and nephew who will call W don't have many games on our PSN account so being the cool that is stupid uncle I am I gave them access to my PlayStation account to play my far superior collection of games all was well for about a month I knew they couldn't buy games on the account because all payments require a card verification number but imagine my surprise yesterday when I get this message on Facebook Oh P can you check your bank it was my brother-in-law my niece and nephews father W is playing fortnight and he has sixty five thousand V bucks is this normal my heart stopped their parents are great people but not particularly savvy with gaming's consoles or micro currency I went to my transaction history on PSN and nearly threw up when I saw this all told 422 pounds and 90 cents that is 531 dollars had been siphoned out over a week with most of the bombardment happening yesterday by the time I got back into the account to assess the damage 20,000 V bucks had already been spent I saw that the playstation wallet can be topped up before each purchase so they must have paid for by first buying wallet currency which apparently didn't require a code that's eff up number one I tell my brother-in-law tell them to stop what they're doing shut off your ps4 I have to sort this out I immediately unhooked any bank cards from the account and looked at what my options were nothing the PlayStation Store doesn't have any protections against accidental purchases like this and the best they can do is refund the amount to back into your PlayStation wallet this is money that can never be accessed again except for buying games or mother-effing be bucks or some other be as currency for all intents and purposes I have lost that money the bank can't do anything about it so here's where it gets really messed up f up number two my girlfriend is visiting family in the US and was storing her savings for the trip in that account she will have expenses sorted because she's staying with family but she will be going with virtually zero spending money now and they had a number of activities planned which she likely can't take part in now that was a very difficult phone call and she handled it better than I ever could have expected and far better than I deserved I'm not mad at the kids I genuinely don't think they meant it I'm mad at myself I didn't think it was possible but then I should have done more research I feel so terribly guilty for putting my girlfriend in the situation the kids are upset that they did it their parents are currently suffering from stage 4 embarrassment cancer and all around the whole thing is just effed up we're not a rich couple and this one has hit us both pretty hard so fair warning double-check that your payment security features on PSN are set up properly or you could end up getting thoroughly shocked did as we did the ironic thing about this whole situation has that fortnight is by default a free game so they could have just been playing fortnight on their original PlayStation without using your account o P today I act up by putting a thong that was not my wife's in her underwear drawer this happened two days ago so last week I found a thong on the floor in my living room smelt it like the animal I am was clean and put in my wife's underwear drawer two days ago in the evening my wife is getting ready to go take a bath when she comes down two minutes later asking me where the heck does this thong come from huh I found it on the floor surely it fell from the laundry basket it was clean so I put it in your drawer what it's not yours angrily she answers it's not hers you just want me to believe it just appeared on the floor I tell her what the heck am I supposed to say she goes back upstairs really angry at me so last week my wife was out of town for work and a female friend of mine to have a beer with me I send her a picture of the thong asking if it's hers it is we're both a bit confused as to how it ended up in my living room we came to the conclusion maybe he got stuck at whatever she was wearing that night by static electricity while it was in the dryer now the real f up my wife is in the bed I go tell her that my friend was here last week to have a beer just texted her and the thong is hers the only explanation we managed to find is that it was stuck by static to her clothes you want me to believe that that makes no sense Jesus Christ I don't even believe my explanation myself I tell her to believe what she wants I don't effing know how the thong appeared in my living room that I don't have anything to redeem myself I take some clothes and go sleep in my parents home the next morning she calls me she tells me that she decided to believe in my stupid story because the thong was indeed clean and it's logical that I'd put it in her drawer and if I was cheating on her I'd be at being stupid to put my mistress's panties in her drawer she asked me to come home and we laughed a lot after that and here's a picture of the thong in question so here's a question for all my viewers out there if you're cheating on your wife is hiding your mistress's underwear in your wife's underwear drawer the best cover-up plan imaginable or the worst cover-up plan imaginable our next reddit post is from throw away ever since I was a kid I love to fiddle around with staplers playing with the automatic ones and doing dumb stuff like any child would opening the manual ones and swinging around stuff like that one of my favorite things to do was to open up a new strip of staples and break them apart before putting them in running my fingers through the staples counting them and breaking them apart love it there are 210 staples in a standard strip and sometimes I break off each individual one until my fingers hurt I've even found strips with 209 and 211 a few times this progressed from me messing around with staples and mrs. Grady second grade class to buying a box staples every other payday to play with to literally having a collection of different brands and sizes of staples in my college dorm to break apart I had a problem but no one was hurt so who cares well fast forward to present day I am a functioning middle-class adult with a wife and two children I have a home a normal car an office job I am by all accounts a normal human being I still love staples working in an office with a supply room full of staples was a problem I'd spend my lunch break in the room opening boxes and breaking apart staples to get my fix before returning to work it got so bad over the course of a couple years that my boss changed our supplier because the boxes all had broken apart staples and were sometimes ripped so I had to stop doing that I turned to Amazon first buying ten boxes of staples at a time for about twenty bucks a pop it wasn't enough I went to 20 then 40 my wife got curious then and asked why are you buying all these boxes of staples but I brushed it off as a work issue that I did reimburse for and I knew I had to change my methods over the course of a few months I enabled myself I started using cash only a different office supply stores around my town and neighboring towns I would sit in my car and break apart staples before going to the next door I began to stay out late and tell my wife I would be home soon so I could go buy more staples from different stores I opened up a new credit card to put online so she wouldn't know but she caught it in the mail she got suspicious because things weren't adding up this past Thursday after one of my late nights I get home with a trunk full of broken staples and ten freshly broken boxes in my passenger seat to see my parents cars at my house I walked in and everyone is sitting around like it's an intervention because it is my wife asked if there was anything I wanted to tell them and to tell the truth about my problem I sat down and kept saying what are you talking about until my mom said honey we saw the pictures then my wife tells me that my late nights excuses and general weirdness about the credit card and some other little things that made her hire a private investigator this man followed me around to office supply stores and watched me quote do something with what I had in the bag from multiple stores it basically looked like I was a drug runner for office depot who was using some other product for myself at this point my wife started to cry and my dad shook his head I I had to come clean and all I could muster was I I like staples the WTF looks I got afterwards turned into disbelief then concern then fits of laughter when I showed them my car I came clean I backed this up by showing my secret stash a few staples in my attic and explained the purchases on the card to my wife right now my only concern is my dad he didn't laugh just kind of shook his head continually in disappointment without saying a word believe it or not I think therapy or addiction meetings may help as my wife gave me these suggestions a day after I may or may not do that but the good news is I now have a staple hour once I get home and my budget for staples is a left for my wife now Opie I'm very very disappointed in you but not because of your staple habit I'm disappointed because you buy all your staples from Office Depot and not from staples you go you have a squeaker addiction you know that I think you have a problem I think you need to see a therapist while you care about his squeakers and playing that was our slash today apt up and if you're addicted to my content the way you go is addicted to squeakers then hit that subscribe button for more daily reddit content

Channel: rSlash

Views: 1,017,905

Rating: 4.9252157 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, choosing, tifu, r/tifu, r/ tifu, today i fd u

Id: LFfCcrFe0X8

Length: 21min 53sec (1313 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 27 2019