r/Storiesaboutkevin This the DUMBEST Guy on Earth!

welcome to our slash stories about Kevin where we have stories of the dumbest people on planet Earth our first reddit post is from Noah the red it's not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects but 99.99% of the time they're keen on something they might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos you learn pretty quick to not judge a fish for their tree-climbing ability you know I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin Kevin isn't his real name but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching he came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past he'd moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we used to try and ballpark their ability don't worry it was a ballpark we didn't make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with the student for a bit I thought that's fine I'll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what's up one-on-one with Kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything in a freak if not impossible amnesia incident there was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade and now he was in the ninth grade flabbergasted I figured we needed to get more serious with this if he was going to be in my class I needed to know why and how I decided to meet with him his guidance counselor his parents and another teacher to see what was really going on this is where it all became clear it was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off the face of the earth years ago odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time it represents itself kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement even my instructional lead a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a balrog failed to see any reason this kid or should be alive today so here's a list of events that made it abundantly clear that God exists and he's laughing uncontrollably Kevin frequently forgot when and where class was on more than one occasion I had to retrieve him from other classrooms Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons puked and then did it again the next day this is ninth grade I have no idea where he got the crayons Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me his English teacher this was a public school when I gave it back to Kevin avoided to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 7-eleven after school Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire twice Kevin threw his lunch at the school resource officer and tried to run away he ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him Kevin stole my phone during class I called it it rang he denied that it was ringing not that it wasn't his not that he did it no he denied that the phone was actually ringing he tried it three times before the end of the year Kevin called the basketball coach a mother-effing jerk during gym basketball tryouts were that afternoon Kevin tried out it didn't go well Kevin's mom could never remember which school he went to she missed several meetings because she drove to other schools none of which he ever went to Kevin tased himself in the neck before a football game Kevin kept a bottle of orange kool-aid in his backpack for about four months he thought it would turn into alcohol he drank it during homeroom and threw up Kevin says the n-word a lot Kevin was white the high school was 84% black Kevin got beat up a lot Kevin stole another student's iPhone and tried to sell it back to them Kevin didn't understand that his grade was dependent on tests quizzes homework classwork and participation Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average he tried to bribe me with 11 dollars Kevin spit on a girl and said he should get out of those wet clothes the girl was the Spanish student teacher Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals Kevin tried to download videos of people hugging passionately onto a computer in the library at the circulation desk while he was logged on Kevin asked a girl to prom he was in ninth grade and freshmen don't go to prom by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address Kevin got gum in his hair constantly Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over grabbing one before I'd picked them all up and then writing his name on it wherever there was room Kevin had several allergies but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were they were very concerned at the holiday party it's high school we don't have those would have peanuts when they finally got a doctor's note he was allergic to amoxicillin Kevin and his parents took a trip Tunis ow how the f did they even get airline tickets and forgot all their luggage at home I didn't believe him when he told me until I talked to his mom who told me first thing when I saw her at the biweekly meeting Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident I can only assume God was looking the other way that day my god this family is so dumb I genuinely don't understand how they're not dead by now like if you're so dumb you can't perform basic functions how are you still somehow smart enough to drive a car or walk through traffic without getting into a major collision our next reddit post is from Lego maniac 89 so just over a year ago I switched jobs and went to work for a guy Bob who was running a new and used aquarium shop the shop was built onto his house so as a result I've become pretty close with his family including his 15 year old stepson who is the most Kevin person I've ever met for the first couple months I thought he was just a bit quirky and clumsy but as I've come to know him more I've discovered that he is a kevin of the highest order now I've known some dumb teenagers in my time heck I used to be one but this kid is just on another level just in the year that I've known him he licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a flaming hot cheeto he cannot climb a flight of stairs without tripping up them this is a multiple times a day occurrence he once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk and rather than clean the mess with a towel he soaked up the spill with his sock a sock that was still on his foot he then put on his shoes went out to catch the bus and went to school with a soaking wet milk sock he went to the school nurse that day because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock he wants to be the first pro-trump rapper and is currently pissed off at Kanye for stealing his idea he's failing gym class I have no idea how one fails gym class he has broken more than 20 aquariums in the last year when we buy used tangs they need to be washed and leak tested before we resell them Kevin's sometimes does this to help out but can't understand that when you wrap the hose around an aquarium you can't just yank it free for reference I've been in the aquarium hobby for 12 years and I've broken - he is not allowed to clean tanks anymore bob was selling an older fairly good condition Cadillac that had been sitting in his driveway for a while the day before the buyer came to pick it up Kevin was mowing the yard and scraped the handle of the mower along the entire length of one side of the car he likes to use jus as an insult when I called him out on it I discovered that he thought that Jewish people didn't actually exist he thought that they were an imaginary race of people everyone pretended to hate he played the cross on his school's team this summer and got benched all season because he told the coach that he didn't need to run laps or go to practice this is probably why he's failing gym class he left in the morning like normal to go catch the bus three hours later he came back saying that he missed the bus and he needed to be driven to school the problem it was Labor Day there was no school he stood at the bus stop for three hours on a day when there was no school he eats absolutely everything in sight if you leave food unattended for more than 10 seconds it's gone Bob went to Taco Bell and got food for the four of us Kevin was alone with it and ate and ate his mine bobs and half of his mom's food before he realized that it probably wasn't all for him when he found out that I'm a chili head he bragged for a week about how he loved super spicy food too he then tried a glob of my ex her ESCO after I warned him repeatedly not to and spent the next two hours crying and blaming me we've been gradually remodeling the house when we're not working in the store Kevin's bedroom was the first room we finished he managed to put a hole in the wall on the first day he moved in one day completely out of the blue he asked me I know girls don't have a penis but is there just like a hole beneath her bellybutton where a penis would be Bob told Kevin to watch the truck one day earlier this year Kevin thought he'd be helpful and wash out the fuel tank as well with water his school lets him rent a tablet for schoolwork he got it taken away within a week because he was using it for videos of people hugging passionately I assumed he wanted to find out if girls had a hole where a penis should be his parents signed him up for tutoring to help him with grades turns out all the tutoring in the world won't help your grades if you never turn in your homework he was under the impression that homework was optional also he routinely falls asleep in class he thought that fish were just very active plants yes really he managed to tip over and dump the contents of the trash can as he was taking it out to the roadside to be picked up rather than pick up the mess he just kicked it around and spread it out across the yard in hopes that it would be less noticeable if the mess was less concentrated I know there's more I'm forgetting and I'll edit this post as I remember them or as Kevin gives me more material I'll just leave you with this tape bit Kevin starts driving in three months may that gods have mercy on us all I think at this point the best we can hope for is that Kevin kills himself in a car accident and doesn't take anyone else out with them our next reddit post is from screaming gobble it was not the sort of motel chain that brings to mind images of chocolate placed on pillows or romantic evenings in the hot tub indeed its signature decor can be seen in the background of certain low-budget rap videos and I'm told the occasional video of people hugging passionately however mr. and mrs. Kevin made it their monthly romantic getaway in fact due to a generous corporate policy that directed managers to provide an extra night free of charge to soothe any complaining guests for a period lasting a year or more they succeeded in stretching their monthly getaway to two nights among the complaints that won them an extra night the room was full of bugs after they left the door open all evening the toilet stopped flushing after they emptied their ashtray into it the manager eventually received permission from corporate to cap the number of free nights the guests could be eligible for the Kevin's were the only guests ever to reach the lifetime cap at our motel they're shocked over no longer having one free night a month did not in the regular getaway however that was achieved after an incident involving copious amounts of vomit mr. and mrs. Kevin were informed that they were now on the no rent list apparently this monthly stay was important to their marriage because a few months later their manager received a call from mrs. Kevin's divorce attorney what vital information did he need he wanted to confirm that mr. Kevin was responsible for both Kevin's being banned from the motel yes this was apparently part of the divorce proceedings the manager explained that he considered each of them equally responsible which was not the answer the attorney expected or wanted not long after mrs. Kevin called the front desk you have me banned under the name Jane Kevin she announced but and he or she could not hide her pleasure at her own cleverness that's not my name anymore I got divorced and now my name is Jane Kelly the front desk employee trying to hide their laughter said okay we'll make sure to ban you under the name Jane Kelly to a gasp of dismay and the line went dead oh why would she say what her new name is that that's so stupid oh my god oh man the people in a subreddit make my brain hurt our next reddit post is from throw away this is about a Kevin in my program at college she was actually a pretty mediocre kid mostly for the first few years she scraped by in classes had a few friends and more than a few moments of pure unadulterated heaviness several highlights include jumping off a two-story roof to see what would happen a complete inability to comprehend the difference between ice cream and gelato despite many attempts to explain it to her and drinking an unspecified amount of espresso and spent the better part of an hour literally running in circles around the architecture building to burn off the energy at one point a boy about a year ahead of cabina and the program took an interest in her let's call him sensible Sam Sam and cabina set up a date at a nice place just off campus Covina got understandably nervous before the date Covina's panic response was to drink an entire large milkshake immediately prior to meeting Sam Covina is lactose intolerant cabina threw up for some godforsaken reason Sam kept dating her they actually fell head-over-heels for each other and stayed together for years despite the fact that Kadena suggested a lovely downtown place for dinner got horribly lost and could find neither the restaurant nor the way back to campus she's lived in this town for years accidentally claimed to be single just after her and Sam's one-year anniversary decided the minor side effects of her morning ADHD meds were not worth dealing with all day so she started taking them at night her ADHD meds are effective for about 6 hours after being taken she was almost entirely useless until she went to refill her prescription and her doctor told her what an idiot she is ask Sam how to spell his last name his last name is four letters they had been dating for months at this point found a way onto the roof of the art building was not immune to getting in trouble after putting pictures on her snapchat story instead of a group chat forgot her shoes on the walk of shame twice tried to take Sam to meet her parents somehow drove to the wrong State signed up for a class forgot about it for the entire semester failed because she never showed up Sam proposed a week ago still don't know why he deals with my dumb but I got lucky y'all I for one did not see that plot twist coming that was our slash stories about Kevin and do I have any viewers out there who are named Kevin if so let me hear from you down in the comments and what's the dumbest thing you've ever done

Channel: rSlash

Views: 809,027

Rating: 4.9113889 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, aita, storiesaboutkevin, r/storiesaboutkevin, storiesaboutkevin posts, storiesaboutkevin funny, stories about kevin, dumb, dumb people, stupid people, stupid

Id: x6hz4y3eJ-A

Length: 17min 11sec (1031 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 04 2019