r/Storiesaboutkevin THE DUMBEST PEOPLE ON EARTH!

welcome to our slash stories about Kevin which has stories of some of the dumbest people on planet Earth the separated is called stories about Kevin as in Kevin from the office my dad died were downstairs in the living room where the landline was kept the landline rang and my mom a 5-foot tall chubby asian lady comes barreling down the stairs at top speed the phone stops ringing she goes back upstairs a minute later the same thing the phone rings my mom bolts down the stairs the phone stops she goes back upstairs this time audibly annoyed by the mystery caller after this happens for the third time in ten minutes we ask her what the heck is going on turns out she was unknowingly calling the landline from her new cell phone then upon hearing the phone ring she was hanging up her cell and running downstairs to grab the phone we haven't been able to figure out why she dialed the landline number in the first place she didn't have an answer for that one our next reddit post is from we are destroyers and this is from a Facebook post from a dog grooming business true story a client just called to check the price of a bath and nails I asked what kind of dog she says I don't know what it is now but when it grows up it's going to be a black lab I was dumbfounded literally I asked her how old it was and she said I asked her how old it was and she said it was three months so I'm thinking maybe twenty pounds max so I tell her maybe twenty to twenty-five dollars I swear to God the lady brings red in and he is a Pomeranian a pom I said sorry but this is a Pomeranian and she tells me well I know it's going to be a black lab because I have the papers at home I pulled up pictures of labs and palms on the computer and I still think she believes it's going to be a black lab I'm going home to drink wine what Pomeranians evolving our next reddit post is from Lego maniac 89 I'm back with more stories of the now sixteen year old uber Kevin for those who aren't familiar here's the link to the original post I actually covered that post in an earlier hour / stories about Kevin video so be sure to go check that out if you haven't seen that post yet do yourself a favor and read it first before continuing here you'll thank yourself for it later I've been at this job for close to two years now not a week goes by where I don't hear stories from Bob my boss Kevin stepdad or an at Kevin's mom to be honest I don't know why they share these things with me because it's really none of my business but I'm not about to stop them because it's truly fascinating what Kevin manages to accomplish and just a reminder Opie works with this boss in an aquarium store I still get the occasional message about him from various redditors here so I'll address the three most popular points first he's still not driving nor will he be anytime soon his parents decided that putting him behind the wheel of a two-ton machine could end with him accused of war crimes so he told him that he wasn't allowed to take a driving test until he gets his grades up we're safe for the foreseeable future he apparently lost interest in the erotic orc fiction with swords that he was writing he's writing a new book now that involves a shape-changing weapon and the apocalyptic wrath of God that's all I know and I'm not volunteering to beta read this one his parents have had him tested for autism and various other things and so far it's all come back negative other than mild ADHD he's on medication for it whether he actually takes those meds is up for debate I'm sticking with my initial analysis of borderline malicious laziness and a stunning lack of common sense given that he's not driving anytime soon he's been using his bicycle as a primary means of transportation and that's going about as well as you'd expect he was riding his bike through town and went to a store came back out and saw that his bike had been stolen his mom had to come pick him up but by the time she arrived he realized that he had just forgotten what his bike looked like and it hadn't been stolen after all a week later his bike was actually stolen he has a bike lock he just didn't think it was necessary his biological dad bought him a new bike to replace his stolen one he's blown out the rear wheel three times broken the C twice the chain once and completely smashed the rear wheel rim just since the middle of May since his second bike is now in shambles yes Baba nan if you could borrow their bikes Bob said hell no and said sure Kevin managed to snap the rear axle and somehow broke the rear cassettes I gotta say I'm almost envious of Kevin as his life is never dull all I can say is I enjoy his cabinets by proxy and thank my lucky stars that he's not my kid he borrowed the magnets from half a dozen coral frag racks we sell and promptly forgot where he left them they're useless without the magnets we had to order more he found one of Bob's power drills and drilled a bunch of holes in a support beam for the porch he dumped an entire 12 ounce can of fish food into one of the tanks this was at the end of the day and we didn't notice until the next morning the entire shop smelled like roadkill he's not allowed in the store anymore he got a job as a dishwasher at a nearby restaurant and was told to not come back after a week because he had broken so many dishes he shot himself in the leg with a pellet rifle because he wanted to know what it felt like to get shot because that's what thugs do he was fine he breath he broke a plastic lawn chair and decided to burn it to destroy the evidence he got found out when the fire pit began belching acrid black smoke everywhere he went to a week-long youth group retreat a few hours away and forgot to pack any clean clothes and had to drive all the way there with clothes for him according to Ann she had packed clothes for him but he left them all behind because he didn't think he needed them he tried to shotgun a can of soda he managed to spray himself in the face he tried again the next day with the same results Bob bought a one hundred and fifty gallon preformed above-ground pond to keep goldfish in during the warmer months Kevin sat on the side and broke it Kevin was bragging to his classmates that he had stolen drugs from his biological dad during a visit and would share them after school that day a teacher overheard he got in all sorts of trouble and had the drugs confiscated they were fish oil capsules in the last post I mentioned how he had been buying cheap cell phones and unsuccessfully hiding them despite being grounded from technology for failing all of his classes his parents finally broke down and bought him a very basic flip phone that he could use for calling purposes only he sold it at a pawn shop he absolutely refuses to brush his teeth his parents bought him an electric toothbrush thinking that he might like it better than a manual one he lost it he got banned from the local comic book shop for spilling Mountain Dew everywhere he decided he was going to cook a pork chop on the stove he forgot about it and nearly caught the house on fire Buffett cooked the pork chops the night before and apparently Kevin thought that once the meat gets cold it's somehow reverse to being raw and needs to be cooked again lately he's been reading all kinds of survival books he claims he wants to spend a year roughing it in the Canadian wilderness I'm fairly certain he couldn't even find Canada on a map he's absolutely convinced that standing in front of a microwave all it's running will sterilize you he goes as far as to retreat to the next room while he's nuking his food his parents bought a truck a few states away and they decided to take a long weekend to go pick it up leaving myself and Matt a co-worker to handle the store in that time no problem right except they left Kevin at home as well with a rather long list of explicitly articulated do's and do nots if he was expected to follow and here's a good place to mention that the aquarium store is located inside a bobbing Ann's home they would have had better luck convincing a whale to spontaneously evolved into an elephant he tried to use his parental reprieve to do everything he wanted without consequences he tried to get into the stores cash drawer I had the key with me at all times and he even told me that bob was okay with him taking cash out of the drawer once in a while he isn't obviously he had a fire roaring in the grill a shopback blowing air into the coals and was trying to melt a metal rod in the heat while using winter gloves to insulate himself he claimed he was blacksmithing again I promptly shut it down before he got the house or himself on fire I went to the source garage to look for something Kevin was there and loudly announced I'm not doing anything I hadn't asked I still have no idea what he was up to Kevin announced a Matt and I that he was having friends over that night to smoke weed take pills and whatnot I said not a chance I called Bob he said AB so effing loot not I told Kevin and he said my parents didn't have to know he tried to bribe me with a few grams of weed I turned him down Kevin stayed the night at the house more to keep an eye on Kevin than anything else Kevin invited his friends over anyway they filled the house with weed smoke and threatened Matt when he confronted them Matt called me then called Bob Bob called the next door neighbor who came over and stormed into Kevin's room scaring the bejesus out of Kevin and his buddies he then tried to bribe Matt with a few grams of weed as well Matt also turned him down Kevin and his buddies then tried to hide in the garage after the neighbor left Matt found them when one of them knocked over a small aquarium and broke it and they ran out through the back door bobbin and skipped half the plans they had to come home early needless to say Kevin is in a world of trouble he got a job at Dairy Queen and got fired after a week for quotes not maintaining a professional demeanor that's a retail speak for he can't keep his mouth shut around the customers his bike got stolen again he failed to lock it up while at work again he's now on bike number three this year and he's already damaged the rear room twice and bent a part of the frame I still have no idea how one person can be so hard on a bike he sliced a finger open because he tried to touch the non-serrated side of a bandsaw blade while it was running his reasoning was that he didn't think it would hurt because that side of the blade isn't sharp he's working at Taco Bell and got written up because he was purposely making orders wrong he was leaving off the tomatoes because he doesn't like tomatoes and didn't think anyone else like them either he lost his cellphone according to Bob this is the 13th yes 13th phone kevin has lost this year he got busted for trying to buy cigarettes at a convenience store he's two years too young to buy them legally the manager of the store knows bobbin and so he called them to let them know Kevin got in trouble he's trying to buy cigarettes from the same store two more times since then with similar results autumn hit us like Brannigan's law and all the leaves fell at once Kevin was supposed to mow them into the lawn but he put it off for a week and an early snowstorm dumped 16 inches on us it soon melted the leaves remained and were now soaked and Kevin was told that he had to rake them now rather than mow them he tried to mow them anyway and clog the mower then tried to hide the mower and told Bob he couldn't find the rake speaking of mowers earlier in the year when he was supposed to move the yard he decided he'd rather not Bob and I watched him open a bottle of water poured into the mowers gas tank then tried to start it up after a minute of trying and failing to start the thing he came in and told Bob that oh darn the mower won't start guess I can't mow today after all Bob wasn't amused I'm trying to imagine how stupid you have to be to touch a spinning saw blade and expect it not to hurt it's amazing this kid hasn't killed himself yet our next reddit post is from the filthy da L I may have married a Kevin he initially doesn't strike you as a Kevin because he had a very successful career working for a government alphabet agency however some of the things he believes once this man gets a notion in his head you can't remove it with dynamite if his mother or his teacher sister Mary guardzilla told him something 50-plus years ago then that was the revealed truth and could not be changed sister M G told him men have one less rib than women it has to be that way because God took Adam's rib to make Eve I had to show him side by side images of male and female skeletons in a Medical Encyclopedia and make him count the ribs before he believed that sister may have been mistaken sister also told him that plate tectonics was only a theory and since theory means guess there wasn't any truth to it you know how South American Africa looked like they would fit together like puzzle pieces sister told him that was just a coincidence God made the world the way it was and the bits don't go floating around like ducks on a pond theory equals gas also shot down the theory of evolution the theory of relativity and a bunch of other science things that didn't agree with the Bible however he seems to have come up with a bunch of stuff all on his own there can't be a volcano under Yellowstone Park because they wouldn't be dumb enough to put a national park on top of a volcano the janko's are just inside out dong so a woman who is using a tampon has to remove it to pee when you burn a candle only the wick burns the wax just runs down the side of the candle holder he had no explanation as to what happens to the wax and a jar candle meat is not the muscle tissue of animals but something else called the flesh he didn't explain where the muscles go if meat is this mysterious flesh meat only comes from mammals beef is meat and pork is meat but chicken and turkey are not me nor is fish cows just spontaneously start giving milk when they reach adulthood having a calf every year to start the process has nothing to do with it on the other hand hens must have intercourse with roosters before they can lay eggs that the Clear button on the oven stops the timer it doesn't it turns off the oven and that's all it does I've made him start the timer and then punch the Clear button see the timer is still going he tries to use the Clear button to turn it off we've only had this oven for 20 years the microwave in the toaster oven are basically the same appliance and since you can put plastic things in the microwave you can use them in the toaster oven as well he only did this twice though since I really yelled at him the second time he does seem to have grasped no metal in the microwave though so I guess this is a plus chopped is the same as sliced he was going to a church picnic and had volunteered to bring sliced tomatoes and lettuce and onions for the hamburgers he asked me to chop all these things for him not slice chopped I had to explain the difference that the volume of a medium-sized bowl is exactly the same as that of a smaller bowl this is a long-standing confusion actually I cannot tell you how many times I explained it to save cabinet space you put small bowls inside medium bowls which go inside large bowls you don't try to stack a medium-sized bowl on top of a small bowl this man who can pack a moving truck tighter than Marilyn Monroe's girdle simply cannot grasp this simple concept or maybe instead of a concept it's just a theory our next reddit post is from my heels will crush you Kevin his real name is actually Kevin I wish I was joking is a bass drum in our marching band in addition to his former band felonies always being late to rehearsal not knowing how time signatures work dropping his drama on a daily basis kevin has committed a new and worse crime after 12 hard years of constant fundraising our band finally bought new uniforms to replace our old one from the 90s these were not cheap each uniform came with a cost of about a thousand dollars not including their price for hats gloves and shoes because of the new uniforms our band director drilled into us the no eating in uniform rule is simple enough rule to follow especially if we heard it dozens of times a day our last competition of the year was in a large football stadium and due to some timing issues we wouldn't be allowed to take our uniforms off between our performance and when we had to leave therefore we would all have to wait an hour or so until we could get back to the bus and eat the dinners we packed kevin had different ideas apparently he'd shoved money in his uniform before performing and uses to purchase a large serving of barbecued chicken wings he didn't proceeded to eat them in uniform and was completely clueless to the giant orange stain going down the entirety of the front of his white uniform until my band director saw and freaked out needless to say it was a fun time and Kevin was extremely confused as to what he did wrong hopefully the dry cleaners can fix it or our band is down a $1000 uniformed man the way this story was going I thought he was gonna like spill ketchup or something on it not eat the literal messiest food on planet Earth that was our slash stories about Kevin and the only individuals dumber than these Kevin's are people who watch this video and don't hit the like button

Channel: rSlash

Views: 494,462

Rating: 4.9007635 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, aita, storiesaboutkevin, r/storiesaboutkevin, storiesaboutkevin posts, storiesaboutkevin funny, stories about kevin, dumb, dumb people, stupid people, stupid

Id: hqSbG3PWwSo

Length: 16min 59sec (1019 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 20 2019